I Ain't Gay! Chapter 9
Copyright 2013 by Heather Rose Brown

In this chapter, Tanner faces some questions, and finds some possible answers, before getting an important phone call.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Except for the growing rumble of traffic and the slap of Mel's flip-flops on my feet, the trip back to Uncle Barry's house was quiet. It wasn't until me and Mrs Gilbert were more than halfway down the path running along the highway that my friend's mom said, "Those barrettes look pretty on you. They go nice with your outfit."

"Thanks," I said, unsure how I should feel about the compliment. After the way she'd yelled at us earlier, I'd been surprised Mrs Gilbert said okay when Mel asked if she could help me with my hair. I'd been even more surprised when my friend slipped a couple of foreign objects in my hair as she brushed it.

I was hoping that'd be the end of the small talk, but that hope popped like a bubble in a broken glass factory when my friend's mom said, "Why did you say you weren't a girl?"

A long string of cars zoomed by, giving me a few seconds to think. That was a good thing, since I had no idea what to say. The only real answer, the most obvious answer, was walking right next to her. I groped for something else to tell her, but still had nothing when the last car chugged past.

The silence that followed demanded *some* sort of response, so I went for an old stand-by and shrugged as I said, "I dunno."

Mel's mom did that one eyebrow thing parents do sometimes. At first, I was worried she was going to insist I give a better answer. Instead, she asked, "Do you like my daughter?"

"Yeah," I said as we walked up to the front door of my uncle's house. "She's a good friend."

My friend's mom gave me an odd look. For a second, I thought she was about to ask another question. Instead, she smiled and said, "I'm glad," as she knocked on the door. "Melissa could use a good friend about now."

Uncle Barry smiled at Mrs Gilbert when he opened the door and said, "Good morning, Anna! What brings you to this side of the woods?"

Mel's mom rested her hand on my shoulder and said, "Your niece was visiting my daughter earlier, and I thought I'd join her on the trip back here."

My uncle turned to me with an unreadable expression, then turned back to Mrs Gilbert. At that point he could have said anything. He could have said he didn't have a niece. He could have said I was his nephew. Instead, he said, "I hope she wasn't causing any trouble."

My friend's mom smiled and said, "Oh, there'd been a mild misunderstanding, but everything's fine now."

"Okay. Will Mel be able to come back later today?"

"Well, her father is coming home for lunch soon, so she'll be busy then, but she should be free later this afternoon."

Uncle Barry took me by the hand and pulled me into the doorway with him as he said, "That'll be perfect. Thank you for walking my niece back, and please let Mel know the plaques fired last night came out fine and are ready for detailing."

Mrs Gilbert nodded, then waved to both of us as she walked away and said, "See you later!"

=-=-=

When the front door closed and I was alone in the living room with my uncle, I said, "I swear, I can explain everything."

He brushed a few strands of hair from my eyes as he said, "Explain what?"

I stared at him, looked down, confirmed nothing had fallen off, then looked back up and said, "Explain what I'm wearing."

My uncle gave me a lopsided grin as he said, "You do look a little more developed than you did at breakfast, but the rest of what you have on doesn't look much different from what you usually wear."

I looked down at myself again and had to agree about the second part of what he had said. The shirt was mine and the shorts, even though they were Mel's, did look like something I'd wear. It took me a second before I realized what he'd meant by the first part.

I clamped my arms across my chest and said, "The bra wasn't my idea."

Uncle Barry's grin faded as he said, "Who's idea was it?"

"Mel's."

My uncle's brows shot up. "She made you wear a bra?"

"Well ... not exactly. I think it started with me talking about a bully, and her saying he liked me, and me saying no way, and then her asking me to try something," I took in a breath and added, "but I ain't sure exactly what it was she wanted me to try, because we kinda got interrupted before I could drag it out of her."

Uncle Barry nodded and said, "Did she say why she wanted you to try it?"

I waded through the memories of the busy and occasionally terrifying morning I'd had until I could scrape together enough to say, "She said something about me dodging something in front of me."

"Hmmmm," he said as he scratched his chin. "I think I know where she was going. Come with me," he said as he started walking away. "I think you need to see something."

My uncle was already turning the corner into the hallway before I could ask him what he wanted me to see, which meant I could either stand there and try to figure out what he was talking about, or run after him. I chose the second option.

=-=-=

I found Uncle Barry's bedroom door open, and when I poked my head in, he waved for me to come closer. Once I was next to him, he took me by the shoulders and gently turned me around until I was facing his huge closet. He pointed to our reflection in one of the mirrored doors and said, "What do you see?"

I had a feeling there was something specific he wanted to hear from me, but I had no idea what it was, so I said the first thing that came to mind. "I see you and me."

My uncle smiled and said, "Okay, now I need you to close your eyes."

Feeling unexplainably nervous, but trusting him completely, I closed my eyes and said, "Now what?"

I felt Uncle Barry's hands leave my shoulders as he said, "I'd like you to try to imagine there's not a mirror in front of you, but an actual, living person ... a person you've never met before. Think you can do that?"

I'd never thought of myself as being all that gifted when it came to imagination, but this felt like something I could manage. "Okay, now what?"

"Once you've got that fixed in your mind, open your eyes."

I nodded, imagining a stranger was standing in front of me as I opened my eyes. For a second, my heart forgot about doing that thing with squishing sticky red stuff in and out of itself. My fingers went cold and tingly and my legs felt like they were about to fold up under me.

Uncle Barry appeared like magic at my side as he said, "Tanner?"

I opened my mouth to speak, which meant my brain was too busy with shock to deal with my legs too. My uncle's hands slipped under my arms and he led be backwards a couple of step until felt something against the back of my legs and sat down on something soft, but solid.

The words I'd tried to say finally started trickling out of me. "I ... I saw ... "

I felt my position shift on a yet unnamed thing as my uncle sat beside me and started rubbing my back. "What did you see, Kitten?"

"Bed." I answered. My brain quickly realized it had provided the answer to where I was sitting and switched it with another response. "I mean, girl." I turned to Uncle Barry and said, "I saw a girl."

He nodded and said, "What made her look like a girl?"

"Well, she was dressed like a girl."

"So, it was just the clothes?"

"Not exactly. There was also her hair, and her shape, and the way she stood there that all seemed to say, 'girl'."

There was a soft, searching look in Uncle Barry's eyes as he asked, "How do you feel about seeing a girl in your reflection?"

"I dunno. I guess maybe Mel was right about Stuart thinking I was ... " at first, I was going to repeat what my friend had said, but it felt weird calling myself pretty, so I said, "I mean, he thought I looked like a girl."

He stroked the back of my head as he asked, "How do you feel about someone thinking you're a girl?"

"It feels ... weird."

"Why's that?"

"Cause it'd mean I'd like boys."

My uncle frowned a little and said, "So, you're saying a girl can't like girls?"

At that moment, it felt like something missing had clicked into place. "You mean, like Mel?"

His frown turned into a smile as he said, "Exactly."

I turned to the mirror and saw a scared, baffled girl looking back at me. Wasn't there more to being a girl than just saying it? If there was, would more boys like Stuart make my life miserable? Would I run into the same kinds of problems Mel did with Beth? Would my parents still think I liked boys if I told them I was a girl?

Before I could find answers to any of those questions, the phone on the table by the bed rang. Uncle Barry picked it up and said, "Hello? ... Hey Sis! ... Good to hear you too. ... Oh yeah, he's been good. ... Sure, hold on a sec." He held the phone against his chest and said, "Your mom's asking for you. You up to talking?"

At that moment, I wasn't sure what I was ready for. My whole world felt like it'd been flipped over like a giant pancake. Still, talking to her felt like what I needed to do, so I nodded and held out my hand as I said, "Yeah."

Guilt and worry made everything I wanted and needed to say bunch up at the back of my throat. I was about to chicken out and hang up when Uncle Barry reached for my hand and gave it a little squeeze. Knowing he was there for me didn't take all the bad feelings away, but it was enough to give me the strength to say, "Hi Mom."

"Tanner! It's so good to hear from you." The worry and pain in her voice nearly broke my heart. It was taking me a while to pull myself together enough to speak again, which is probably why she asked, "Is everything all right?"

I took in a deep breath and said, "Everything's okay, Mom. I just ... there's something I need to talk to you and Dad about. Is he there?"

"Yes, he's in the living room with me. Hold on a second."

I heard my parents talking, but I couldn't make out what were saying because the sound was muffled. Dad's voice started getting louder, then there was a click.

For a moment, I thought my parents had been too mad to talk and hung up on me, but then I heard my mom saying, "... is listen to him."

"I know," my dad said in the gruff voice he used when he was trying to cover pain, sadness, or any other non-masculine emotion. "I think I got the speakerphone working now. You there, Son?"

"I'm here. Thank you for talking to me."

"Of course," Dad said.

"You know you can talk to us any time," Mom added.

"We ..." Dad said with a tiny crack in his voice. "... we love you, Tanner."

For a moment, I was too stunned to speak. Even though I knew my dad loved me, I couldn't remember him ever saying the words before. "I love you too," I finally said as something damp trickled down my cheek. "I'm also sorry for the way I acted."

"It's okay," Mom said, sounding about as choked up as I was feeling.

The line hissed when we all fell silent, then Dad said, "We probably shouldn't have tried pushing you so hard into accepting something you weren't ready to accept."

I thought about the last fight I'd had with my parents, then said, "Maybe, but I think you might have been right about me. At least, partly right."

"Oh sweetie," Mom said, sounding relieved, "that's such wonderful news. "Do you have a boyfriend yet? You know you can bring him over to the house, but not in your bedroom, unless ..."

"Mom," I said.

"... you leave the door open. And then there's ..."

"Mom!" I shouted.

"... family vacations, which ... umm ... yes dear?"

"I said you were right, but only partly."

"How were we only partly right?" my dad asked.

"Well," I answered, "I think I might be gay, but not in the way you thought."

"What do you mean?" Mom asked, sounding a little lost.

"Dad ... Mom ... I think I may be a lesbian."