Call me Donna - 7 - Conclusion

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If this is going to work, then perhaps you should call me Donna.

My Fitness routine was done, but I had no time to rest since I'd been the last one. We hurried to get into our evening gowns again. We were going out on stage so that they could tell us who the top five were. I was seriously considering not going out on stage. I figured that I was done as there was no way I was in the top five.

I really hoped that Sarah was in, though. We talked quietly waiting to be called to line up. Then we were onstage and our names were being read off.

"Sarah Davenport."

She was called first, and I smiled as she stepped forward onto the raised circle at the front of the stage.

"Amanda Petersen."

The prima donna from last night was called forward.

"Angie Thomas."

A pretty thirteen year old bounced and waved her way to the center of the stage with the other two girls.

"Janessa Olawie"

And then there were four. I was getting ready to move off with the other twenty four would not be going on when they called, "Donna Lowell."

I'm sure my smile was wooden as I walked out to stand with the other four young women. We smiled at the audience and waved. Then we walked off while the judges voted.

We rushed over to our tables and our assistants helped us to get undressed. I'd done this a number of times, and Tara had helped me all evening. I never thought there might be a problem. I was smiling and talking with Steven when I felt a sudden draft. Somehow Tara had snagged my underwear and exposed me to the entire room. I tried to cover up, but by the look on Steven's face it was too late.

"Steven," I called out, but he was already turning away from me and walking away.

I was fighting back tears as Tara helped me back into my dress and I went to find tonight's emcee.

"I have to leave the competition," I said.

"They are about to announce the winner. Can't you wait a little longer?"

"I have to quit. I'm sorry. Tell the judges please?"

I ran out of the auditorium and found a quiet place to let everything out. I sobbed and wailed. I really didn't care about the pageant, but I did as well. I was in the top five out of over three hundred girls. I had made it so far.

I had kissed a boy.

Eventually Sarah came to find me, "I won," she said.

"Congratulations," I tried to sound happy for her, but it came out a little sullen and I cried at that. I wanted to be happy for my friend but, "he saw me naked. He knows I'm a boy."

"Shh. It's alright."

"How can it be alright? How will it ever be alright again?"

Her answer was to kiss me. It was a nice kiss. I could taste her lipstick and my own tears. I'm sure I looked a mess with my makeup all over my face.

"Is he still inside? I have to tell him, explain to him..."

"That may not be a good idea, David."

"Please?"

She helped me up and we went around to the back entrance to the auditorium. There was a big shadow there. As we got closer I recognized the shadow as Greg.

"It's the little faggot. How you like wearing a dress you fucking queer?"

"Leave her alone," Sarah said.

"What her, I only see you and the queer over here. Do you realize what you did to my brother you little gay piece of trash? Do you?

"He has to fight against the stereotypes every day. Half the school already thought he was gay. Now? Now they'll have ammunition thanks to you, you little shit."

I was crying again, "I never meant..."

"Well, since you want to be a girl so badly, let's fix it before my brother's life is ruined even more."

I saw the gleam of a long knife in the sparse lighting. Even in Florida in the summer it is dark at midnight. I was frozen, staring from Greg to the knife and back again.

"Leave her alone," Sarah said as she leapt at Greg.

"Stop, Sarah," I tried to grab her arm, but she'd already charged. I watched helplessly as they fought over the knife. I shouted something, trying to attract attention, but it was too late.

Sarah made a quiet grunting noise and crumpled on the pavement. Greg turned and ran away, but I didn't care about Greg.

I dialed 911 on my phone, but I couldn't wait for the operator. I slid under her body. the blood pooling on the grey silk was an image that I'd never forget. I put my small hands to the wound and tried to apply pressure.

"Don't leave me, Sarah."

She put her hand to the side of my face, "I love you, David. I would have been a lesbian for you, I think."

"Don't talk like that. You're going to be ok. You'ill be okay."

"I preferred you as a boy though."

"Sarah! Don't leave me."

"Promise me...promise you'll be true to yourself? Promise?"

"Sarah..."

"Promise me!"

"Ok, Sarah. Just hold on, please."

"Be happy, David. I love..."

Her eyes glazed over and her hand fell to her side.

"Sarah?..Sarah!"

I wanted to cry then, but I had no more tears. I was empty and I just sat there, holding onto her stomach, trying to stop something that was already over. The paramedics when they arrived pulled me away from her body and Mama wrapped me in her arms.

I sat there in the car looking at my bloodstained dress and hands, trying not to think about anything.

<3  <3  <3

We had her funeral the first week in August. I wore a new suit. All of my girl clothing was in a box in the attic, I'd tried to throw it away, but Mama saved it. I was too devastated to do stop her.

I'd buzzed all of my hair off. I still thought I looked like a girl. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I heard her voice saying she preferred me as a boy. She preferred me as a boy, and a boy is what I would be.

She was my best friend in the world. I did a pageant for her. I got her killed. If I'd never been there, she would be Miss Florida's Outstanding Teen. She'd be on her way to the national pageant next week, not on her way to a grave in a too green cemetery under a cerulean blue sky.

The grass should have been dead. It would have fit my mood. A long time ago, I read the book The Bridge to Terabithia. I never understood what the main character felt at the end until that moment. Even more than him, this was my fault. This wasn't just survivor's guilt. She was protecting me.

They lowered her into the ground on that hot sunny day. The dirt closed over her, and again I whispered, "I'm a boy. I'm your boy, Sarah."

<3  <3  <3

I sat there staring at Dr. Funk. I didn't know why I'd kept my appointment with him, but I did.

"This wasn't your fault, David."

"Then whose was it?" I screamed, "Mama's? She was the one who forced me to go. Sarah's? She jumped on that god damned psychopath."

"It was Greg's fault if anyone is to blame."

"If I hadn't been there, she would be alive."

"You can't know that. Maybe something else would have set him off?"

"It was me pretending to be something I wasn't. I caused this. Me, me, me!" I pounded myself on my chest as I continued to scream.

I whispered to myself, "If I hadn't been a girl, if I didn't freeze, she would still be alive."

"You would have won, you know? Before you were withdrawn from the ballot? You had an almost perfect score. 45 out of a possible 50 points."

"She deserved to win." I said even more quietly. Tears streaming down my face.

"Tara admits she was put up to it by one of the other girls, Amanda I think. She's been banned from the competition, even though she was first runner up and the crown passed to her."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"The committee wants to offer this to you, Donna. They want you to represent Florida at the competition as an openly Transgender contestant."

For just a second, I saw a different future for me than the one I was on. I saw parties and girls in dresses. I saw singing on stage and starting hormones. I saw myself happy and whole and healthy.

But Sarah would not be there with me. She was in the ground and try as I might I couldn't wish myself anywhere but there in her place. I didn't deserve to be happy. Dying would be too easy for me. I would live in misery.

"Sorry, Dr. Funk, but my name is David, and I'm a man."

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Comments

Crying!!!

Pamreed's picture

I am crying because of the ignorant people out there who hate us and
don't even know the true story of our lives!! My attack was 14 years
ago, but I still have nightmares about it!! Why did those 3 men attack
me, because I was trans!! As they kicked when I was on the ground
they called me the vilest names and said I didn't deserve to live!!
But I was rescued by some guys passing by, and so I lived!! You know
what is really sad, I wouldn't let my rescuers call the police. This
was 1999 and I was afraid they would blame me and take me to jail!!
Poor Donna what could have been was violently taken away from her!!
And like me she thought it was her fought!! I am sorry this ending just
brought back so many bad memories!!

I'm sorry I helped to bring

I'm sorry I helped to bring them up.

One thing to remember is that I am not transitioning (currently? maybe?) when I tell this story.

I write while at work. I am on an outbound dialer doing technical support. So, yeah, I am surrounded by the geek version of jocks. Having been a jock myself in the past (well, geek jock. I was a swimmer) I know the sorts of conversations they have, and the attitudes they feel towards those that are different.

So, here I was, like normal, writing and trying my best not to get emotional, but having this story rip through me and wanting to just sit in a corner and cry. Yeah, that really wouldn't have been a good idea where I work.

Oh Sarah!

Why did you have to be so brave. (sniffle sniffle). I hope greg gets the chair, but only after they transition him the same way!(Grrrr). I feel so sad for David. He only did this for his love for Sarah and now she's gone because of it. Ms. Tallie, I know this was painfull to write so Kudo's to you for your perceverance. Aside from the ending(which was necessary), Nice story Hon,well done! Big Hugs, Taarpa

Too Damn Sad for Words

This was really interesting story for me and I waited for each new chapter. And I was not disappointed. You have crafted such a good story and while I wasn't expecting the ending you gave me, it is a reasonable resolution to David's issues (I believe). We can't always have bright happy pink stories and you have given us a very realistic one as a contrast. Thank you.

But it isn't the end!

Now go and read "My name is David" chapter 7 to find out what happened afterwards.

Penny

Such a sad

ending but I can see where something like this could happen too! Emotions can really run high and do when we feel like something tragic is all our fault!

I've been pretty lucky myself as nothing has happened to me physically although there has been a few close calls. Guns and knives scare me the most and one day a man had a gun and threatened to shoot me. For some reason I just grew cold blooded and faced him telling him that he would be doing me a favor knowing that people do not want to do us any favors and I told him that I have suffered too long so go ahead shoot. He wanted me to suffer more I guess as I am still here!

What is scarier right now is that our country is going anti gun crazy. They want to take our protection away so the only ones with guns will be the idiots, the bad guys! We may not be able to protect ourselves soon!

Vivien

OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG i so want to keep from crying. God this story had me captivated throughout and i feel so sad for david it was a good ending but i know how he feels because some of my experinces i wish that sarah wouldn't have died but i realize that all stories can't have a magical ending :( keep going you are an awsome story teller :)

Damn! That's what I feared!

Ole Ulfson's picture

Since there was no sign of Sarah in David's later life and he was very much a loner...

Romantic that I am, I wanted things to work out for them, even though I knew it wouldn't happen...

You tell your story very well,

Ole

We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!

Gender rights are the new civil rights!

I could swear I read a different version of this where ...

Jezzi Stewart's picture

... Sarah takes him to a party after the pageant and he gets raped while she does nothing. He decides to leave home, but Sarah tries to talk to him. He won't listen and tells her to go to hell, she betrayed him. He leaves., ending this story and his life picks up six years later in "Call Me david"

BE a lady!

Problem #1...Dee doesn't act

Problem #1...Dee doesn't act like a rape victim.

No...just that. Trust me. If there was any way for me to make Sarah survive, I would have. :)

This is truly frightening ...

>
"This wasn't your fault, David."

"Then whose was it?" I screamed, "Mama's? She was the one who forced me to go. Sarah's? She jumped on that god damned psychopath."

"It was Greg's fault, if anyone is to blame."
>

That last sentence summarizes what I believe is wrong with our society.

IF ANYONE IS TO BLAME?!!!

Oh, that's right, there's plenty of blame to go around, so we can't put too much on the perp.

It is a mark of a good story, that the reader gets so wrapped up in it that it feels real.

Thanks for the read.

Deni

Gotta agree

The blame rests squarely on Greg. You can do all the what-ifs that you like, what if mama hadn't wanted this, what if Sarah hadn't, what if David had been born female. You can play that game all night. The fact is Greg planned to do serious physical harm to Donna/David and ended up killing Sarah. Open and shut.


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

Hence the reason that Greg is

Hence the reason that Greg is on death row awaiting execution. Gotta love a state with capital punishment.

Cries.

Hypatia Littlewings's picture

It makes sense tho, it fits, the pieces fit.
And the out come is oh so possible.

Good story, well told that is, but sad & scary.

*Cries for David, Cries for Sarah, cries for possibilities lost*
~Hypatia >i<(has no pixie dust right now)

My perspective

may be different because I am transgender, but I think the most harmful words for David were when Sarah said, "I preferred you as a boy though." He seemed perfectly happy in his role as female. Now he will probably never be that happy again.

Considering those were the

Considering those were the words that caused David 8 years worth of torment, yes, they were really damaging. David, in the other story, is still working through all of the pitfalls that those seven words caused.

I still believe she can be as happy as she was before that happened, but it will take time and patience on the part of her loved ones.

Deadly ending but great story

Inconveniently, I got a bit muddled about which order to read the sections!
Enjoyed it v much
AP