Letting Go.

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What do you do when the secret gets too heavy?

You let go!

Letting Go
by Jenn C.
Copyright © 2013 Jenn C.
All Rights Reserved.

 
 
I knew it was coming down. Thirty years of experience told me that. Marushia and Jennings were on the hose line. I'll never understand these houses on the south side; falling apart, but a sixty inch LCD TV in the living room. Rupp and I were looking for the boy. They always ask the rookies, “Where did you hide as a kid?” First check the closets, then under the bed; that's where you'll find them. Rupp had the child in a mask and was carrying him out. I looked up and saw the cracks and little licks of flame in the ceiling — I knew it was coming down. I yelled at the guys on the hose to cover Rupp and the kid, while I gave him a huge shove in the back. Out the door they went, and down the ceiling came on me. I felt sharp searing pain and then blackness.

My name is Mark Hernandez. I'm a lieutenant in the San Antonio Fire Department. Rescue 21 is my unit; we work out of the south side of SA at station 18. Like I said before, I've been doing this for thirty plus years. It started out as a way to bury my true self in masculinity; become that ‘guy’, then maybe the feelings would go away. Eventually I got good at it, good enough to work my way up to officer. But she never left — Martha stayed inside me all the time.

I married my beautiful wife Inez. We had two kids: one is in college, the other manages a home improvement store. I even have a grandbaby; she is so pretty, and looks like my wife. I never told anyone about Martha. I felt like I was meant to suffer. I became reckless at work, a hero by many standards and rewarded with citations and medals. But no one really knew I had a death wish.

My best friend Steve Pike figured it out; he told me we would “talk about it, now”. He wouldn't let me go until I said what was bothering me. I tried to play it off and lie about it just being stress. He knew I was hiding something; we had been friends too long. He finally got it out of me. The pent up emotions that I had locked inside me all this time came rushing out. Martha was known. And my life was over, right? Wrong, Steve came over to me sat down on the couch and cradled me in his arms. He softly stroked my back and whispered it would be ok.

We were friends. More than friends; we had saved each other’s lives many times over. Something like this would never change that. He asked me to explain it all, and he never stopped holding me. I felt safe, protected, and most of all free. Steve asked how far I was willing to go; I said I was not sure, I still had Inez and the kids to think about. He asked if she might be ok with it, and I stated I honestly didn't know. He thought a minute then said I could be me here at his place whenever I wanted. I gave him a stare and asked how he would feel seeing me in feminine attire; he shrugged and said it doesn't matter, as I was his sister. That started me crying again.

Things settled into a remarkably easy flow after that, I had promised Steve that I would not do anything without checking with him first. We had our off days sync up so I could spend time exploring myself at his house. I belonged to a fiction site, and I blogged about Steve there and let him read it. The blog made him blush when I wrote of his friendship and his habit of saving my life in many different ways. He was always a perennial bachelor, but stopped going out as much and chose to stay home and learn about me. My wife never suspected a thing, but I was starting to really take stock of the situation I was in. I did not want to hurt my wife or my kids so it looked as if this would be as far as Martha ever got. Until that day I knew it was coming down and pushed Jennings out of the way.

When I woke up in the ambulance I looked up into Pike's face. He was yelling at me to stay with him, I couldn't feel much of anything. There was no pain from the burns, no feeling of broken bones; things must be pretty bad then. But I knew this is what I had needed. This was the answer to all the problems. I smiled at Pike. He knew what I was thinking and leaned over to whisper in my ear “don't you dare, Martha — don't you dare leave”. I did say he knew me too well. I strained my voice and said “it’s ok, its better this way; take care of Inez for me”. I lost consciousness again after that. The last thing I heard was Pike's voice telling me to fight it, but I think he knew the answer.

The next time I awoke was in the hospital. Inez was there. I told her I loved her. I really did, you know. I just wish I had the strength to tell her about Martha, but now that wouldn't matter. I reminded her where all the insurance paperwork was. I knew she would be well taken care of. I asked her to let the kids know how much I cared for them. When she started to cry, I let her leave the room and motioned Pike over.

His face was grim; I smiled at him. “Pike, its better this way; I don't have to carry the weight anymore, and Inez never has to know. I can just slip away and everything is solved.” Pike leaned in close to my ear and whispered to me, “you can't go — I just found out about my sister, and I need her; I don't have anyone else”.

My Steve, my brother; I loved him so much. I told him, “I'm sorry Pike; I'm just so tired of hiding and burying myself from the world. You have to let go of me, and take care of Inez — she will need someone strong”. Tears dropping from his eyes, he said, “I need you. No one else knows me or understands me like you do”. After a heavy sigh, he said he would watch over my family. He kissed me on the cheek, and told me it was ok to rest. I whispered “thank you”. I closed my eyes praying that I could finally be me, and let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two years later,
San Fernando Cemetery.

Two figures walked hand in hand towards a lonely tree. In its shade was a small marble bench with a plaque that said,

IN MEMORY OF LT. MARK HERNANDEZ
SAN ANTONIO FIRE DEPT.
JOHN 15:13
GREATER LOVE HAS NO ONE THAN THIS,
THAT HE LAY DOWN HIS LIFE FOR HIS FRIENDS

The two sat on the bench and looked at the two headstones placed side by side. The one on the right was engraved,

MARK HERNANDEZ
HUSBAND FATHER
BROTHER SON

The one on the left was similar but said

MARTHA HERNANDEZ
WIFE MOTHER
SISTER DAUGHTER

One of the figures turned and asked the other, "do you think she is ok with me becoming your husband?" The other turned and kissed his cheek and said, "I think she would have wanted us both to be as happy as possible without her. She will always be a part of both of us, and I hope and pray she finally found her peace".

Author's Note: I have been out of Public Safety for awhile now, but I pray for all my brothers and sisters every day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do. ~Jenn
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Comments

4 tissues

I think we need a new rating system. 5 icons in a row like stars, but tissues instead.

Beautiful story, but you are starting to worry me. The last time I awoke in the Hospital, my wife told me that she would rather me leave and be happy than be dead.

Please do not let it come to that,

Bright Blessings!
Cassie Ellen

Reasonable people may disagree....

Andrea Lena's picture

...I give it five tissues, but that's only because Jenn reads my mail, so to speak. Thank you!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Awesome as usual

I proudly didn't use any Kleenex reading this.
(Used Puffs instead).
**Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Never has a tormented soul's

been so fully healed as when in letting go, she united her two best friend into a family.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Been there

been there before, ... Just crying now

Thank you.

That pretty much sums it up.

beautiful, but so sad

so sad, that the only way she could be recognized was after she was gone. But despite the sadness, the story is filled with beauty, acceptance, and love.

DogSig.png

Sniffle sniffle, Oh Jenn....

Your short program is sooo good, If you ever write something longer, I fear we'll all need stock in the tissue companies! Your Fire department theme in this one hit kinda close to home for me. I so enjoyed this story(even if it was through watery eyes!). Good job Jenn! Big Hugs, Taarpa

Great story

Ten tissues from me (I use generics).

This one really hit close to home. I spent thirty years in Fire/Rescue myself and attended WAY too many funerals of comrades. I got my start in NY so spent a lot of time crying after 9/11.

I was lucky. I've had roofs collapse under me, floors cave in, walls collapse, near misses as drivers passed by an accident scene, etc. I thank all the powers that may exist that I'm still here to read this wonderful story.

Hugs,
Erica

Martha's legacy

laika's picture

Poor Martha. Existing in the shadows and then snuffed out all too young without ever really being able to be real in the world. I was hoping for a more hopeful ending, but as Daniel Boone said, "Sometimes you eat the b'ar and ..... well sometimes the b'ar eats you." I found myself picking thru the smoldering wreckage for anything to reedem such a depressing state of affairs. She had a wonderful friend in Steve (That's when I started crying, but determined not to play into the hands of the Kleenex Cartel I wiped my eyes onna sleeve of my kimono), and she got to be herself with him at least. Her marriage had its blessings as well; even if being able to be totally honest wasn't one of them. Her life and even her death had meaning- all heroically in a fire and not being crushed by toilets in a warehouse accident caused by a lazy negligent coworker like happened to my Uncle Jake. But what's saddest is what the tombstone seems to hint at. That Steve told Izmelda everything, so she learned all about Martha and honors her memory ...... so that while Mark was brave enough to run around in collapsing burning buildings, a little emotional courage on his part might have paid off with all those things Martha had been denied. Sad but good and realistic story...
~hugs, Veronica

OH Well

It was a great story. understand all to well. did a lot of dumb things to in NAM

but Oh Well I made a mess I didn't have any tissue

MICKIE

I'm sure you're looking for praise

I'm sure you're looking for praise....

because you've certainly earned it. Very emotional as always, though sometimes the theme of dying in your story gets me worried. I love reading your work, and I can't wait for the day when you envision what life can be like when everything goes in your favor and put it into words that we can all endure.

We talk often, and you know that there is a place in my heart just for you. Take care of yourself and I bet the rest of life will fall into place.

Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)

Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life

It's not often

that I read a story that has both a sad and happy ending at the same time. It's more sad than happy I think though.

Vivien

I had the honour of pre-reading this one

and every time i do read this, especially here, i tear up. Jenn dear, you have a gift with the short story format and when you post these, it clenches at my emotions like a drowning swimmer. Keep writing Little Sister... i love these.
Diana

Fighting fires

As a Fire Fighter in the military I had no fear. I was well trained and I in turn trained members of my fire team. I had a death wish and knowing that any time a fire could become a large out of control fire and people could be gone. I can empathize with Mark as far as keeping Martha a secret. I had several near death incidents as a fire fighter but am still alive and living my dream.
Put together well, I'd like to see more about the character, how he handled Martha when he was growing up.

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Awesome

I will take a forest fire over a house fire... Ya I have been in both... Awesome work...

Love And Hugs Hanna
((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))
Blessed Be
2889.jpg

So well written, and so sad...!

Ole Ulfson's picture

Would that Inez and Martha could have found happiness. That would have been the most romantic and happy ending for me. Death isn't the solution to problems, it's only an admission that we've stopped trying to solve the problem.

I say this from experience: This spring, I cut myself off from all my friends for weeks and struggled over the choice between life and death. I really could see no hope for me and was leaning toward death. At the last moment I had an epiphany: While Death is the end of struggle, it is the end. But while I live, There is still hope! Hope for understanding, hope for a change in circumstance, hope for dreams fulfilled. Slim, maybe, but not none.

So I stood at the brink, in a time of illness and despair and after 3 weeks, I stepped back. I don't think I will ever get that close again: I hope no one here will.

Have Hope, my friends, It beats the alternative,

Ole

We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!

Gender rights are the new civil rights!

Another one straight from the Heart and Minds of Most of us

Teresa L.'s picture

Jenn,

You have an amazing talent to take these feelings, and put them out for others to read, understand, experience and FEEL. Like a lot of us, I also did what I could to "macho" and repressed my true self, and am only now working on releasing her. it will be a long road, and several times I was at that brink, but Knowing how it would affect my family I never went over, and am now working on fulfilling my true self.

I would also like to thank you and all others here who have served in those jobs protecting and saving those who needed it, even when it was dangerous, poor pay, long hours, and hard on family life. All those who have served as military, police, fire fighters, and any other type of emergency service, you have my eternal gratitude and respect.

TerriTG

Teresa L.

Letting go

It would probably take a burning house falling on me, too, to let go.