My contribution to the Caveman trend - a tale of a high school cheerleader.
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When I was a freshman, I had to sit and watch my sister Whitney the head cheerleader finish practice if I wanted a ride home. After a while the girls got used to seeing me there, and I got familiar enough with most of their routines that I could point out who had made mistakes, and they learned that I wasn’t just there to leer at them like most guys would; I was seriously interested in their craft. I’d always liked gymnastics, but I wasn’t big enough to be one of those guy cheerleaders because they need to be strong enough to catch and throw the girls around. So I was content to watch, although one time I got to help out showing the girls how to do a backflip.

I was kind of sad going into my sophomore year, because my sister had graduated, so I wouldn’t have an excuse to hang out with my cheering friends anymore. But then Lindsay, the new captain, pointed out that Wendy had also graduated, and I could take her place with the squad. She had worn a big costume and played the role of Zugg the Caveman, our school mascot, who performed along with the cheerleaders at all the Greenhill Mastodons’ games. Even though it meant wearing an uncomfortable giant head mask and a baggy tunic made of brown fake fur, I accepted the offer. Eventually I figured out how to do a flip without my head falling off.

Everything was going fine until the fourth basketball game of my junior year. At half-time we’d worked out this cute skit where Zugg would get excited and club one of the girls over the head with his big (Styrofoam) club and drag her off. It was great — the crowd loved it!

But the next day in the local paper there was this editorial by Mrs. Tremont, the busiest body who ever was, where she complained about the “simulated rape scene” in our halftime show, and said that the violent caveman mascot should be replaced with something less misogynist. So after a petition and a special meeting of the school board, the student body voted on a new mascot. It was probably just to get me to step down and Mrs. Tremont’s niece Debbie, who’d auditioned for the squad and didn’t make it, would take my job.

But I didn’t quit. So now I dance around at games wearing a padded leopard-print bikini, as Zula the Cavegirl. It’s not a very accurate costume; Zula has no body hair anywhere, has to wear pink nail polish on her fingers and toes, and her makeup is heavy so the people in the stands can see how cute she is. Still, it’s more comfortable than that sweaty head was and it is great to be able to see. The best part is when the squad does a pyramid, I now get to be at the top.

It’s even worth having to occasionally flirt with visiting players.