Sometimes being a musician is not enough
and one must rise up to the challenge to play to a different tune.

And The Bass Player Gets The Girl Part 3 - Tempus Fugit By TGJaime Copyright© 2007 TGJaime All Rights Reserved. Special Thanks to Angela Rasch for her continued Help, Guidance and Masterful Editing. ~TGJaime

---

 
 
Part 3 - Tempus Fugit
 
I walked outside with no destination in mind. I needed space. I needed solace. I kept hearing songs running thru my mind. I needed to figure out what to do.

My thoughts were running light years ahead, so fast the Millennium Falcon wouldn’t have a chance. Words and phrases running thru my head, parts of songs -- but one in particular seemed to be calling. Was the name of the group my answer? It couldn’t be that simple.

Two sets of versus kept replaying over and over.

How did they fit? Had the answer even been written? Am I just the leopard? Hiding in plain sight, never letting someone know who the real me is? Or am I traveling along a circular line? I had always equated liking women’s clothing as gay, but I’ve never felt an attraction to guys…. Am I wrong?

The song fit my mind-set; its rhythmic pace varied with my thoughts. . . .powerful.

I stopped by the breakwater, and sat on some rocks just singing, Trevor Horn I’m not, but tonight I have his voice.
 
 
Tempus Fugit, Yes,
Album Drama, released 1980
Downes/Horn/Howe/Squire/White

Born in the night
She would run like a leopard
That freaks at the sight
Of a mind close beside herself
And the nearer I came
How the country would change
She was using the landscape
To hide herself.

More in the mind
Than the body this feeling
A sense at the end
Of a circular line
That is drawn at an angle
I see when I'm with you
To navigate waters and finally answer to - yes.

If you were there you would want to be near me
Innocence, you could hold the materials
And though nothing would really be living
It would shock Your fall into landing light
In the north sky time flies fast to the morning
The cold of the dawn it meant nothing to us
You were keeping your best situation
An answer to - yes

(Yes, Yes) And the moment I see you
(Yes, Yes) It's so good to be near you
(Yes, Yes) And the feeling you give me
(Yes, Yes) Makes me want to be with you
(Yes, Yes) From the moment you tell me - yes

If you could see all the roads I have traveled
Towards some unusable last equilibrium
Run like an athlete and die like a dead beaten speed-freak
An answer to all of your answers to - yes

In the north sky time flies faster than morning
The cold of the dawn it meant nothing to us
You were keeping your best situation
An answer to Yes

(Yes, Yes) And the moment I see you
(Yes, Yes) It's so good to be near you
(Yes, Yes) And the feeling you give me
(Yes, Yes) Makes me want to be with you
(Yes, Yes) If we wait for an answer
(Yes, Yes) Will the silence be broken?
(Yes, Yes) Should we wait for an answer?
(Yes, Yes) Do we leave it unspoken?
 
 
My voice slowly faded across the water. Music truly is magical.
 
 
I had no idea what time it was, but it felt late. I tried to do what I always done whenever making a tough decision, B K or Mc D’s? Steak or Chicken? Ford or Chevy?

I tried to think of the pros and cons before making an immense decision.

What are the consequences?

What did I know?
1) I wanted to play music
2) I wanted to play with Harry; well I guess its “Hannah” now.
3) The thought of dressing like a girl didn’t bother me. Just looking at myself I was half way there already in the poet’s blouse. Jeans -- well they’re neutral and so are my tennie-runners. Not mentioning the unmentionables. More than half way, I guess.

There were innumerable others out there but those were the majors I could grasp right away.

Pros:
Being a successful musician.
Being part of something special.
Doing what I love.

Cons:
I would open myself to ridicule... Funny, the longer I thought about trying to be a girl, the more I realized all my life I’ve been trying to be a guy.

I tried to define failure. What will my family say? Will I lose them? Does pretending to be a girl make me gay?

Consequences:
I could become famous, rich, and successful. Maybe
I might lose my family and the few other friends I have, but not Mom, she can deal.
I will have Hannah around. Gawd I didn’t realize how much I missed her.

Many more thoughts came at me.

Where did being a girl fall in? I knew that since I was young I felt okay about wearing girl’s clothes. The idea of having my own breasts was something that didn’t scare me.

I flashed back to when I had been twelve and the Doctor felt my nipples for nodules and said “all boy.” I remember how that depressed me at the time; and I didn’t know why.

I guess I have better idea of why now.

But do I want to be a girl? It comes down to that. . . .

If it were just for the music there wouldn’t be a question; I would have already signed the contract.
 
 
Splash. I guess the fish are out tonight. A few minutes later another splash.

“Penny for your thoughts,” said a not so distant voice. “Didn’t you know I was here?” Hannah asked.

“No, I didn’t here you coming.”

“I’ve been either sitting or standing here for almost an hour. Do you know how long you’ve been out here?” She laughed. “You’re still the deep thinker. Its after midnight, you’ve been out here almost three hours. I was getting worried about you.” She walked closer to me. “Skooch over rock hog”

I did. We sat quietly together as we had often done as kids, looking out over the water for a few minutes.

It’s funny, as soon as I heard Hannah’s voice a sense of peace washed over me, an inner calm. Her presence just reinforced that tranquility all the more.

Hannah broke the silence. “Did you come to any conclusions?” When she got no reply she continued on. “Let me guess some of your worries; and you can tell me if I’m close.”

“I know you aren’t worried about girls’ clothes, you’ve been wearing them longer than me and I’m not talking about stage clothes either. You never were good at removing you Mom’s makeup, bozo!” She laughed at my foolish look of outrage.

“I think what’s really bothering you is that the idea of being in a girls’ band as a girl doesn’t disgust you. I honestly think you want it but are afraid of being you and doing it.”

When did you get so smart?

She grinned. “I’ve found something by doing this; it’s like a missing puzzle piece. I think you will too. I don’t know how far I will go -- maybe a guy with something special.” She pushed up her budding breasts. “Or maybe I’ll be a girl with a ‘lil extra. Maybe even all the way to full womanhood. Only time will tell where this adventure will take me.”

I took hold of Hannah’s hand, give her a little squeeze, and held on. She knows more about me than I thought. How? I thought no one could tell. . . . Who else knows about this? . . . Mom . . .Hannah obviously . . . who else?

I turned toward her. “How did you know? Hannah . . . how did you know about me -- I mean? Was something I said or did. . .or what?”

“I guess in a way I’ve always known there was more between us than just friendship -- kindred spirits I guess. All I knew was I always felt different with everyone than I did around you. I could be free with you, no worries. You wouldn’t think I was weird if I cried at a movie or something sad. You would just put your arm around me and make me feel better. You didn’t ridicule me for having emotions like a typical guy would. I’ve always loved you for that. That was one regret I had when we left . . . that I never got the chance to tell you.”

“You’re right about all of that. I’ve always felt closer to you than anyone -- but you knew that.”
 
 
We continued sitting, looking out over the water and holding each other’s hand in quiet companionship.

Even though I was totally certain about Hannah’s friendship, there still were things I needed to know. “How did you meet Lauren anyway and where is your Mom now? I assume she knows what your doing, right?”

“Well actually I didn’t meet Lauren till about six months ago. I met Bobbie first at camp last year. She is really a sweetie. Anyway, after Dad died, I was going to a psychologist to deal with that mess when the whole ‘I wanna be a girl’ thing came up.
Mom of course got called in and heard the diagnosis from this guy. GD.”

“Huh?”

“ ‘Gender Dysphoria’ Oh. . .” Hannah stopped for a moment and collected herself. “I thought Mom was a whole hell of a lot more liberal than she really is.” She said halfheartedly.

“Somehow she found this summer camp for kids that have GD. The kids there want to try being the other gender. For some it’s a vacation, for others, it’s the start of their Real Life Test to see if they can function as the other gender. It was a blast; I was truly free for the first time. I felt truly relaxed, which is an amazing feeling! After I was there a few days I found out they had a music building; and when I went in I saw Bobbie; she was banging on the drums pretty fierce. They had a double kick, eight pieces set that sounded awesome. I went over and grabbed a guitar that was hanging in the rack plugged into the half stack Marshall and we started jamming -- by the end of the day we had some pretty good songs going on. That’s where we wrote ‘Whisper’ as well as a few others you haven’t heard yet.”

At that point Hannah let go my hand and pulled herself into a little ball and started rocking slowly back and forth. I had seen that happen before.

Something bad was coming.

I just sat by for her when she needed me. I knew she would.

She took a deep breath and continued on “Mom sent me there to show me that being a girl was no big deal, so I would ‘get over it’ as she put it. She told me that I was just going through a phase. She said if I wanted to, I could be cured. All this happened after we left the camp; I wore a nice sundress home and was all made-up pretty, I even had gotten my ears pierced there, see? I tried to show her how happy I was. She wouldn’t say anything on the drive home. Over six hours passed and the only things she would ask were bathroom and food questions. I couldn’t tell what I had done wrong.”

The moonlight glistened off Hannah’s tears as they ran down both her cheeks.

“Once we got home though she told me ‘that’s it, you’re a young man get out of those clothes’. When I told her ‘no I didn’t want to’ she started getting physical, she tried ripping the dress off me. I grabbed my bag, ran up to my room, and locked the door. I wanted to leave right there. Everything I had experienced that summer was so wonderful, I never wanted it to end.”

“Thankfully I had exchanged phone numbers with Bobbie. I must have tried calling her like fifty times before I got a hold of her. She could hear Mom screaming downstairs through the phone. She told me to tell my mom that if she didn’t settle down I would call the police and ask for protective custody. When I did, Mom swore at me, but things finally got quiet.”

I cringed trying to imagine the sweet woman I knew as Harry’s mom acting so horribly.

Hannah sniffed and continued. “The next few months were a living hell. The only thing Mom would say to me was ‘when are you going to change” and ‘Take that off, right this instant!’ and whatever else she could say to get under my skin. When I didn’t acquiesce she would just start screaming all over again. I was a nervous wreck. I lived in fear that she would break into my room and throw away anything feminine. I had to get out of there. The day after my 18th birthday I did.”
 
 
I slid closer to her and wrapped my arm around her, providing the simple comfort she needed. It made me feel better too that I could do something, anything to make her feel better.

“But that still doesn’t answer my question. How did you meet Lauren and how did you get here?” I asked as gently as I could.

“Well while all this was going on Bobbie was telling her Mom about this friend that was having problems. One thing led to another and I was invited to come and stay awhile. That was six months ago.”

“Have you talked to your Mom since?”

“She wouldn’t answer my cell phone, I suppose she used caller ID to avoid me. I called once from a pay phone, after she found out who it was, she hung up on me. I haven’t tried since.

That’s why when Lauren was talking to you she said I lost both my parents.”

Her tears started, again, at first just a trickle.

“Its ok, Hannah, I wont leave you”

She cried and I added my tears with hers, feeling the pain my dear friend had endured.

There was still one question on my mind, but that would wait for another day. Why didn’t you call me?

I had two things left to do: talk to Lauren and go home to have a talk with Mom.
 
 
We got ourselves together and walked back toward the house. “The lights are still on, so I guess someone’s home,” I quipped. All that got in response was a soggy moan from Hannah. When we got inside Bobbie and Frankie were still awake talking with Lauren. Dawn had gone to bed.

Bobbie took one look at Hannah and rushed over taking her from me sending me a dirty look.

“Lauren, can we talk for a few minutes?” I asked quietly. Lauren nodded and followed me back into her office. I could hear Hannah telling Bobbie and Frankie that everything was ok with her, what happened and what the outcome hopefully would be. I closed the door after we got inside.
 
 
Once we were both seated I started. “I want in the band, I’ve thought it over and I think we will all make a great match. I have a good feeling about the people involved in this whole project. It’s crazy enough I think it just might work.” I said with a smile. “But I have one favor to ask of you. I’m going to talk to my Mom tomorrow and tell her about the band and everything involved. I don’t know what her reaction will be. So planning for the worst, do you have a spare bedroom that I might use, if needed?”

While I was talking, Lauren’s smile grew bigger by the sentence.

“Jamie, all the girls live here. You already have a bedroom; this is ‘our’ house.”

You could have knocked me over with a feather with that one.

Lauren looked at me with questioning eyes. She shuffled some papers. “Are you ready for this, Once you sign, you can’t walk away, this is a five-year exclusive contract with Venus Records. You sign this and you become a commodity, for purposes of the business you can’t play out, record out, or even jam with another signed act without my permission. If you understand what I have told you and have no further questions -- read the contract, initial each page at the bottom in the spot indicated and sign on the bottom of the last page.”

Taking a deep breath I opened the contract and started reading

VENUS RECORDS, INC.
EXCLUSIVE RECORDING CONTRACT

Agreement made as of the 15 day of May, 1984,
by and between Venus Entertainment & Records, Inc. ("VENUS"), a New York Corporation, doing business at
10 S Main Street, New York, New York, 10044 all of whom are
professionally known as Fly Trap and (referred to herein, individually and
collectively as "you," "Artist" or "Parties"). (You are sometimes called "the
Artist" below: all references in this agreement to "you and the Artist" and the
like, are understood to refer to you, alone.)

It continues for pages and pages of legal mumbo jumbo till I got to the end, 16.7 sections.

Very truly yours,
Venus Records, Inc.
Dr. Lauren Michaels
 
 

AGREED TO AND ACCEPTED:

--------------------------
Jamie Marie Johnson DATE OF BIRTH: 11 November 1965

SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER: 123-45-6789
 
 
“Lauren, who is Jamie Marie Johnson?”

There were more documents. It was a medical form petitioning the Courts of New York State to Repair all legal documentation, it corrected a deficiency in regards to the declared sex and also to grant a Legal Name Change Pursuant to the medical findings.

“Why ‘Jamie Marie Johnson’ is the new you, honey,” she said with a smile. “Because of what we are doing, I’m trying to keep as much factual information above board, as possible. Everything I do will be done legally. I may ride the grey area but I won’t break any laws. It can be changed back to male if sometime in the future that’s what you want. But for the length of your contract you are required to eat, sleep, and live as a female; that’s why everyone stays here, so we can immerse you in a totally feminine environment. Trust me! You’ve only seen a small bit of this compound. Eventually once you’re settled, you and the other girls will be in the media and trade papers. I already have the marketing department floating around new ideas for another poster with all five of you. Just think -- four of the hottest musicians sold 250 thousand posters -- imagine what five will be able to do.”

I could see the gears spinning in her head with ideas.

She waved her hands as she continued. ‘The more publicity we can get through the posters and magazine articles, the better it will help in our ultimate goal — which is selling records and getting you guys out on the road touring.”

“Have all the girls’ signed these papers?” I asked with uncertainty.

“Yes, all the girls have signed each and every paper -- except for Bobbie, because she is a special case,” Lauren said with a twinkle in her eye. “If you want you can go ask them, or I can call them in. I promise you this, nothing will happen tonight or as a result of tonight that-- you do not agree to -- enter freely and of your own will.”

I grabbed the pen one final time. Sometimes you’ve got to take a leap of faith.

I had a new name, I was a ‘Professional Musician’ -- and I had a recording contract.

Wow !!

I gave Lauren my thanks, and then left the office.
 
 
Walking back toward the living room, I felt kind of numb; the realization of what I just signed slowly sank in.

I had a clever idea; I wouldn’t tell them directly that I had signed on. Instead, I walked in and decided to introduce myself to my fellow band members.

“Hi, I’m Jamie Marie Johnson your new bass player and you are?”

Not surprisingly Hannah got it first and squeaked “You did it!” as she flew over and tackled me in a hug.

She may look like a girl but tackles like Lawrence Taylor. Ooff!

Frankie and Bobbie finally caught a clue and walked over to the two-person car wreck and pulled Hannah off the tackling dummy. Each gave me a hug and a kiss giving their welcomes.

Bobbie laughed. “I told you -- you aren’t alone.”

Today has been the biggest in my life. And tomorrow, I get to tell Mom the whole story.

Oh shit!
 
To Be Continued...

Comments are greatly appreciated