If you came across a fork in the road, which path would you choose?

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“Do you know what it’s like, Ian?” I whispered to his ear. “Just to one day have your masculinity replaced with a vagina within the span of a few seconds? Something so foreign, so unnatural?”

I pushed him onto his office desk as I jumped on him, wearing his tie on my head like a bandanna.

“10 years Ian,” I continued. “10 years have I went been this. So hard have I tried to restrain myself. All these feelings, emotionally and…physically. Do you know how much torture that is? The mind may be willing, Ian. Willing to restrain myself as long as I can, but the body is weak. No matter how much I try, I need release!”

“Scott…this isn’t you!” He cried. “You must’ve been infected! Get a hold of yourself!”

“Infected?” I quizzically repeated. “No, I am enlightened! I understand now. I can’t be something I’m not, Ian! I can only be what nature tells me to be! And it tells me I want this! And who am I to say no?”

“No you don’t,” he insisted. “You’ve never had anything for me! Probably not for any man, to be honest!”

“And now I see the errors of my ways!” I ecstatically replied. “Now that I’m looking at you through a different color lens, I can finally see. You are one HELL of a hottie!”

He was getting very flustered, trying anything to keep me from going through with this. He wasn’t winning though. I just knew that he wanted this just as much as I did.

“What about Sienna?” He asked, still trying to wiggle out from underneath me. “I know you care about her!”

“What can she give me that you can’t, hmmm?” I gasped. “I don’t need some woman…I need YOU!” I ripped open his button up shirt. “Now shut up and get over here!”

My mind was like glue. It was almost as if I wasn’t in control of my actions as I began force his lips onto mine, kissing him maniacally. Why didn’t I feel anything? What was going on? No, I just needed to keep trying!

What I didn’t see however was the swing of his desk lamp as he picked it up and immediately smacked me in the face with it, forcing me off of him and onto the ground below.

I stood up, looking at him stunned as I saw the blood running down my nose. Why? I asked myself. What was wrong with me? What did I have that he didn’t want?

He the same…the same as everyone else. He doesn’t love you…no one loves you.

“Why?!” I screamed. “Why don’t you love me!” The tears streamed down my face, unable to shut them at this point.

“Scott…” he said sympathizing with me. “You need help, c’mon.”

He will never help you now. There is only one thing scum like this can do…

I reached under my pantyhose and slowly pulled out that “sharp object” I thought I imagined earlier.

DIE!

With all my rage I charged at Ian with a knife in hand. If he can’t love me, he can’t love ANYBODY!

“Jesus Christ!” Ian yelled as he evaded me. “Stop!”

But I didn’t listen to him, as I wailed my battle cry and made another attempt at slashing his throat. Again he dodged. He was surprising agile for a normally inactive individual. He tried to hinder my advance, throwing coffee mugs, staplers, pillows and frames; whatever he could get a hold of. But nothing would stop me…nothing except…

He occupied me enough to pull a gun out from his desk. “Scott! Settle down! Please, don’t make me shoot you!”

Words were unintelligible at this point. With seething teeth and bloodshot eyes, I leaped at him.

He wasn’t afraid though. He unloaded a round, hitting my face. He must’ve done major damage because in an instant I was out.

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August 30, 2011

I had a hard time looking up at his face. He was I would say a good six inches taller than me. I never felt so short in my life looking at him. I almost felt intimidated by his presence. I don’t think I ever gotten used to being short, particularly since I’ve lost 2 inches since I became a woman.

“Like what you see?” He teased. Apparently he assumed I was staring at him as if I thought he was hot. That thought only made me upset to my stomach. I was about to give him a piece of my mind, but fortunately for him Miriam appeared.

“Oh my God!” She yelled in joy. “Jacks!”

She proceeded to run over and give him a big hug. “How are you? I’ve missed you so much!”

He smiled at her as he let go. “I’ve been fine. I’m off on leave right now, and I my first thought was to come down to Columbus and say hello to the greatest sister in the whole world!”

“You’re so sweet,” She responded.

The conversation turned to me. “So,” Jackson began, “Are you going to introduce me to your lovely friend here?”

He put me on the spot. Telling him my real name would be a good idea. I don’t even know him! And I’ve never even thought about changing my name!

“Her name is Saoirse,” Miriam replied for me. “She’s my roommate.”

Saoirse? Why did you have to pick a peculiar name? Why not Stacy or Sara or something? If I had to have a female name, why not pick one I could at least spell?

“Saoirse, huh?” He said. “Quite exotic. I hafta say, little sis, you sure know how to pick your roommates.” He followed that by playfully growling at me. I just wanted to punch his face.

“Well, let’s go into the family room,” Miriam suggested. He didn’t have to be asked twice as he made his way over. Meanwhile I had a little chat with my girlfriend.

“Saoirse?” I whispered.

“Yep,” She replied. “Looked like you needed a little hand finding a name for yourself. You just scream Irish after all.”

“I’m not really…comfortable, being around him,” I admitted.

“Nonsense,” she stated. “He’s a very nice guy. You’re just not used to being hit on as a girl yet.”

“I’d rather never get used to it,” I quipped.

“Well, for the time being,” she replied, “you’re gonna have to. That’s just something a girl has to live with.”

Yeah. Fine. But I really didn’t appreciate her carefree attitude towards it.

I had a seat on the couch adjacent to Jackson.

“I’m gonna grab a few drinks,” Miriam stated.

“If you have a beer I’d take it,” Jackson replied. Yes in a world where Ohio isn’t a part of the United States the drinking age was lower. Not that it mattered; Jackson was 25.

“Sersh?” she asked staring at my direction. It took me a few seconds to realize she was referring to me. Geez, I was just christened Saoirse, and now you’re using nicknames?

“Oh…uh,” I stuttered, “I can handle a beer too.”

“Okay,” Miriam confirmed. “I’ll be right back.”

Mir, I thought to myself, please don’t take too long. I really don’t wanna be around him longer than necessary.

“So,” Jackson began, breaking the silence, “how did you meet Mir?”

“Uh,” I said. Oh God, 20 questions, and I had to watch what I say. “I went to school with her,” I replied. It could still make a viable answer, right?

“Huh,” he continued. “Strange. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed you there before.”

He’s been to our school? Why didn’t I know that? “Um,” I began, trying to come up with a counter argument, “I wasn’t there all that long, but we kept in touch!”

“I see,” he said. I hoped that was enough to shut him up.

Silence filled the room, but apparently that was enough to get him to change subjects.

“We got off on the wrong foot, haven’t we?” he assumed.

“Huh, what?” I replied, wondering what he’s getting at.

“You’re not into flirting, are you?” He answered. “I’m sorry…it’s just, that, you’re so beautiful.”

I didn’t know if I should be appalled or appreciative, but regardless of how many sweet little nothings he spouted I wasn’t gonna bite, damnit.

“Look,” He continued. “With the job I have, I don’t have time to get involved with any relationships. It gets kind of lonely sometimes. If you don’t have any issues, I’d like to take you out, if you don’t mind.”

My jaw dropped. He…me…out? Is he mad?! He just met me! And…I don’t even like guys! At least I don’t think I do. NO…I absolutely, positively don’t!

“Jackson,” Miriam intervened as she brought our beers out to us, “Don’t pressure her. She’s just got here you know. Let her be.”

“Geez, Mir,” he whined, “Don’t be so protective.”

I looked over to her, signaling how appreciative I was for her saving my hide.

Over the next few answers I was bombarded with questions: Where I was born, what I did, what I wanted to do in my life. Every question added another piece to my artificially created life. It was a pain in the ass, and although Miriam was very helpful with creating my persona, the main problem would be to memorize every detail of it, as almost my life as Saoirse did exist 19 years prior.

And that fact didn’t sit well with me. It was another part of me being almost forced by circumstance to adhere to this new life. I feared that the more I memorize my life as Saoirse the less I’ll remember my life as Scott. And I don’t know why I’m telling Jackson all of this anyway. In my eyes, I feel like his ultimate goal was to get into my pants. Just having to about something like that disgusted me immensely.

That being said, he did behave himself for the most part. He found it kind of unbelievable how much beer I could hold down, which kind of made me panic a little. I didn’t know whether he was hoping I’d open up a little more if I had gotten a little buzzed, or if he was wondering if my ability to do so was based on something else, which in reality, he’d be right. But for the most part he didn’t pry.

Honestly, for all the flirting he was doing he really wasn’t a bad person. Apparently on his free time he works with young children at a nearby orphanage. Miriam was adopted, which I knew, and she and her brother did spend quite a bit of time in an orphanage prior to being set up with a family up here in Ohio. He felt like he needed to repay those who worked hard to help them.

Finally it was getting late, and Jackson decided to head back to his place. He gave his sister a big bear hug as he made his way out onto the porch. Then, he turned to me and said, “I hope you stick around. You seem like a cool person. Besides, I could use the time to break down those walls of yours.”

While he sported a wily grin I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Miriam playfully punched his shoulder, pretty much signaling him to knock it off. He said goodbye and parted ways.

Miriam shut the door behind her, and finally I was able to vent. “Damnit, who does he think he is? At this point I’d rather just say I was a man a get it over with!”

“Please,” Miriam begged, “don’t.”

“Why?” I asked. “He seems kind of easy going, like you.”

“It’s not that,” She insisted. “Just…trust me.”

I yawned as I turned to walk away, the bed calling out to me. I stopped to tell Miriam, “Thanks for covering for me today, by the way. It was difficult being put on the spot like that.”

She then gave me a rather honest statement. “Honestly,” She began, “the whole thing seemed awkward to me.”

“I would think so,” I agreed.

“No,” she shook her head. “It’s more like I don’t know whether to find it cute, or to be pissed off about it all.”

“What do you mean?” I wondered.

“It’s nothing, Ser- I mean, Scott,” She corrected. “I think I’m going to head to bed. I think you were about to head that way too.”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Probably get a shower first.”

“That’s fine,” she said. “Have a good night.”

Time passed as I walked my way out of my shower, my towel covered around my waist as if I still was male. The room was quiet; you could hear the noises of the rooms around it. And one sound I heard was a cause for concern. I could hear Miriam, crying, sobbing up a storm. Was it something Jackson did? Or was it worse? Was it something I couldn’t do, no matter how much I wanted to?

I wanted to go to her, I wanted to comfort her, but I didn’t know if it was a good idea, seeing I was ill prepared to do so- I didn’t even know what the problem was. Or perhaps I didn’t feel like much a man at the moment. I couldn’t sleep that night. I just hope that thing would get better for the both of us.

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Present Day, 2023

I woke up to see Marcus staring at me. I didn’t know what happened, or how I got to this point. Everything was so dark.

“Finally,” Marcus said as he sighed in relief. “You’re awake.”

I could help but hold my head as the pain quickly made its way to it. “Ugh,” I gasped, “How long was I out?”

“Two weeks,” he replied. “Ian did quite the damage to you, I hafta say. Blasted your head right off.”

Ian…did this to me? “What!?” I screamed as I jumped up in horror. Something was keeping me down though. My arm was handcuffed to the rail of my bed. “What’s this?”

“It was something we had to do,” Marcus explained. “After what you did, we couldn’t take any chances.”

“What did I do?” I asked, totally shocked by what I was hearing.

“What you did?” Marcus repeated. “You tried to kill Ian!”

“Why would I?” I stopped mid sentence and pondered what would possess me to do such a thing.

Liar…temptress…murderer.

Those words emanating within my head; they came from Fort Wayne. The civilians were crazy…the soldiers were crazy.

No…everything started to make sense now. There was a reason why the battle was so simple, and that casualties were so little- whatever was causing those people to go crazy- it wanted me.

“Oh my God,” I yelled, utterly repulsed by what I did.

“I didn’t think it was ‘you’ that committed those acts,” Marcus stated.

“Why?” I wondered. “Why did it want me?”

“I don’t have the slightest clue,” Marcus replied, “but considering the type of enemy we’re dealing with, I would have to guess that it used you to get to Ian. Murdering a national leader is the easiest way to bring a society into chaos after all.”

“Jesus Christ,” I cried, trying to hold back tears. “What have I done?”

“It wasn’t your fault, Scott,” He assured me.

“I need to get back out there,” I declared emphatically.

“You aren’t going anywhere, young lady,” Marcus rebutted.

“What?” I cried. “But I didn’t really do it!”

“And I do believe that,” Marcus restated, “but what would happen if it gets to you again? Who else could you hurt? We just can’t take the chance.”

“But,” I tried to counter. But let’s be honest, if I was in Marcus’s position I’d do the same thing too.

“Just relax, Scott,” He told me. “Your skull just reformed anyway. Your hair hasn’t even grown back yet. You need to just take a break, and let us handle this.”

My shoulders dropped in defeat as I slouched back into my covers. I was a danger now, and perhaps he was right, maybe I should just leave it to everybody else.

Alone…right now I couldn’t feel it any better.