Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1725

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The Daily Dormouse.
(aka Bike)
Part 1725
by Angharad

Copyright © 2012 Angharad
All Rights Reserved.
  
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Once we were safely ensconced at home I left Sammi to go and change and then to look after the baby while I had a chat with Jacquie who was sorting some washing helped by my youngest and Puddin’.

I spent a few moments passing the time of the day with her before Sammi came to take over. Then I asked Jacquie to accompany me to my study.

“Oh dear, have I done something wrong, Mummy?” she asked as we entered.

“Have you?” I asked.

“Can’t think of anything.”

“Neither can I,” I agreed.

“Oh, so it’s the wedding.”

“That’s the topic for discussion,” I confirmed.

“Sorry, I don’t want to be a bridesmaid.”

“Fine, I’m not sure I want to be matron of honour.”

She looked at me for a moment, “So have you refused?”

“No, because it means so much to Stella.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not here to try and change your mind, but to understand you a little better if I can.”

“Oh, that could be even more frightening.”

That wasn’t the response I was expecting, I have to admit–but on reflection, it was a reasonable one, given her experience of life so far.

“I frighten you?”

“Not you personally, Mummy.”

“I admit I wasn’t surprised that you turned down Stella.”

“Am I that predictable?”

“No, but if I was asked to be a bridesmaid, I’d have grave qualms about it.”

“I’d have thought you’d have gone for it–isn’t it every little girl’s dream to play a princess and bridesmaid?”

“It might be, and I suspect that’s why Julie’s gone for it, catching up on a missed girlhood.”

“So why didn’t you?” she looked at me questioningly.

“Possibly for the same reason as you. I missed out on a girlhood myself because it wasn’t possible for me to have one. I’m compensating through my children, though I have to be careful not to overdo it. I’m an adult, I can’t revisit childhood however much I’d like to. I’m fortunate that I can live as a woman without too many problems.”

“You live as one because you are one, Mummy, even a blind man could see that.”

“Thank you; now, what are your reasons?”

“I was never asked as a child and then I suddenly had to grow up to survive. I was a woman before I’d even had much childhood–then those...those men–they destroyed me as a woman as well as taking away my childhood.” A tear shimmered as it dribbled down her cheek. I wanted to hug her to tell her that no one would hurt her like that again but I had to wait for her to expunge whatever it was she needed to dump.

“I’m sorry those things happened to you.”

“Words are cheap,” she said talking to someone who appeared to be standing behind me–she was almost in a trancelike state.

“Yes they are, Jacquie, but they are all we sometimes have.”

“They said sorry after they destroyed me as a woman.”

“I’m sure they did, but it didn’t help with the pain, did it?”

“No–nothing ever will.”

“I hope being here with people who love you will help heal some of that pain.”

“Shows how much you know then, doesn’t it?”

“If we’re not helping you, then I ask you to show us how we can help?”

“No one can help me, can they? They can’t replace my ovaries, can they?”

“No–no they can’t, if it were possible I would take you to anyone who could do it for you.”

“Huh–as if you could ever be tested on that.”

“I don’t make empty promises, Jacquie.”

“No, you’re a woman of honour.”

“I try to be–I gave you my word that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you like you’ve been hurt before. I won’t, but I can’t stop you hurting yourself.”

“No you can’t, can you–what d’you know of such things?”

“Perhaps much more than you give me credit for.”

“I don’t believe you,” another rivulet ran down her cheeks.

“There have been times when I’ve felt pretty badly about myself–even now it happens.”

“What have you got to feel bad about–you’ve landed on your feet here, alright?”

“I feel inadequate, sometimes I feel I’m an impostor a fake. Like you I can’t have children, only unlike you my position is natural, not one of such tragedy.”

“So you’re a fake, who cares?”

“I do. I think you care too–though I’m not sure in what way.”

“Why should I care–I’ve got enough problems of my own?”

“Yes, I understand that.”

“You can’t possibly understand–the way they abused me and ripped out my femaleness. How can you understand the beatings and fights I had to undergo–you were safe in your middle class home and school.”

“I was safer than you, I admit, though I had to survive several beatings from my father as well as the bullies in school. I was made to wear a dress to school and to take part in a play I didn’t want to do.”

“You didn’t want to wear a dress? I thought you did–isn’t that all that you’re about?”

“I admit I wanted to wear dresses to show my femininity to everyone but not so publicly–everyone knew I was a boy–to be made to do it was intended as a humiliation. My father agreed to it because he thought it would cure me of my female ambitions. The headmaster agreed because he was a sadistic bastard and I messed up his ideas of compliance in a boy’s school.”

“They made you do that play?”

“Yes, I refused several times.”

“But the reviews were brilliant–they thought you were a real girl.”

“I conspired with a girl friend to play them at their own game, so instead of wearing the dress all the time, I turned up in her spare uniform–that really pissed them off.”

“Your father beat you up?”

“Several times, the last time so badly I took an overdose and nearly died.” Now it was a point of shame that I let someone get to me so much and nearly finished the job for them.

“You took an overdose–to kill yourself?” She sounded shocked.

“Yes–that was the general idea–I’d had as much pain as I could cope with and I simply wanted it to end. My family had effectively disowned me and I couldn’t cope any more. I was on my own and then I met a wonderful doctor who brought me back from the brink and showed me that life was worth living and I could have a reasonable one as a woman.”

“You were never a boy, Mummy.”

“Sadly I was, or so the historical record shows.”

“It was wrong–you could never have been a boy.”

“Like your record–I knew on meeting you that you could never hurt anyone, least of all a child.”

“Thank you, Mummy.” She threw herself into my arms and sobbed for several minutes, her body shaking with the emotion coursing through her.

“None of us, your new family believe you ever hurt anyone except yourself, and we want to help you deal with the pain–to make it more bearable. No one should have suffered as you did, although I suspect many have. We won’t let anyone hurt you like that again–let us help, let us love you.”

The sobs got louder and more violent, “No one can love me, I’m unlovable, I’m ugly and damaged. I’m so ugly,” she sobbed.

“No angel is ugly, my darling, and you are an angel,” I said and hugged her tightly, my own eyes blurred with tears. “I love you, and so do the rest of the family–we all love you.”

“NO,” she screamed, “No one can love me–not after what they did to me.”

“Yes they can, my darling, my baby, I can love you–a child always looks beautiful to her mother–I can love you if you’ll let me.”

She cried pitifully for several more minutes before she seemed to stop and I realised she’d fallen asleep with exhaustion. I simply sat there and held her until she woke an hour later, still exhausted but I think pleased that she’d tested me and I’d passed somehow.

“I wish you were really my mother,” she said giving me a monster hug.

“Mother is just a title, it’s what we do to earn it that’s the important thing.”

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Comments

Thank you Angharad,

Cathy has proved herself to be very much a mother now.
A beautiful episode,if I could stem my tears.

ALISON

Yes, Really Good

Very powerful. Thank you.

+1 Powerful, emotional

+1

Powerful, emotional writing. Thank you, Ang.

Kris

{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}

Lovely sentiment

Thank you, Angharad. That was a lovely chapter... a tear jerker. Hopefully, Sammi can begin to heal ... finally.

Red MacDonald

Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 1725

Mother is a Title of Honor given by those who are mothered

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

top ep Ang

kristina l s's picture

as cute and pithy as I could get. This was one of your better ones. Dealt with all sorts of 'stuff' without feeling too dark or claustrophobic. Excellent m' dear.

Kristina

Mother.

Can't really comment on the notion of motherhood or mother. But understanding the beatings (Endured.) and the fights (Invariably lost.)

Very painful chapter and I understand Jacquie's hurt. She's still young and the rage must still be white hot. (It takes a lifetime to cool, if ever.)

SHE WILL NEED WATCHING or she will self destruct. However, being able to cry shows Jacquie still has a grief mechanism that MIGHT serve to alleviate the hurt and anger.

Good chapter Ang.

Thanks but ouch!

OXOXOX

Bev.

bev_1.jpg

A very powerful chapter

“Mother is just a title, it’s what we do to earn it that’s the important thing.”

I have to believe that Cathy's earned the title and role many times over.

Very Powerful.

It is these things that makes Catherin such a great person and so real. Life is complicated
and the lies we tell our selves is so much worse and is harder to shake than the lies that originate from the outside. It is so hard and it does require someone to help us dig out of these holes. But the first step is to stop digging. Catherin in some ways needs to listen to her own words as she gives very good advice but sometimes she wont follow it.
Excellent chapter thank you for the gift of your self from all the work you put in to the stories you write.
Huggles
Misha

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

celtgirl_0.gif

Healing can start, surely

But I wonder if it is at all possible for BL to start regeneration of organs that belonged there in the first place. It is understood that BL will not introduce organs that never existed before, but I don't see why inducing regeneration of organs that belong there is impossible. Maybe Cathy's limitations with BL is limited by her faith ( oh Goddess forbid ) in it and the risk of losing herself in it so to speak to enable the highest level of healing.

Kim

On a different question

I just realized if Stella is getting married, where will the new Happy Couple (tm) live?

I guess we are all presuming it will be at the farm house but I have a feeling Stell might be moving out though Gareth being the traditional less than wealthy academic, he might opt to stay on to increase the numbers of men there :).

Having Gareth there hopefully does not start any jealousies though because, yes, Cathy does find him hot and I think it is mutual. Other questions come up including whether Stella will have her tubes tied as childbirth is NOT good for her emotional stability. OTOH, wouldn't it be sweet if their next child is a girl and Billie's soul comes along for the ride :)

Oh, and wouldn't it be sweet if Billie could be at their wedding.

Kim

Back from the brink

For a moment there I thought she was going to do a Jenny and storm off - hopefully now she's got the message Cathy's own upbringing was hardly sweetness and light, she can start to move on.

Of course, being a bridesmaid would be a big step, and possibly a step too far, but it would still be a good idea to take her on the trip up North - she can sit in the congregation and remain relatively incognito, while still having her new family surrounding her before and after the ceremony to help keep her safe and help her adjust to the new normal.


As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!

Mother....And you

Cathy Cameron have most definitely earned the title and the right to use it..... Hopefully now Jacquie can progress, After her early life its nothing less than she deserves, Yes there may well be bumps along the way but with Cathy's help i have no doubt that Jacquie will win through ...

Kirri

A wonderful episode

Dear Angharad,

I am amazed that after 1700 plus episodes of your classic saga, the quality of the writing is still so high.

Who can fail to be moved by this emotional episode, a wonderful concise chapter by an accomplished wordsmith, able to wring the emotions out of her readers.

May your ability to enthral and entertain never fade. Thank you so much for continuing with this lovely tale.

Love to All

Anne G.

Healing is a long term process

but it sounds like Jacquie is on her way.

Wonder if the blue light can help her with her ovaries. I would also like to see the guys responsible pay.