Flowers for Alison

Dear Diary, I cant believe I got picked! I’m so excited, I could just .... but I guess I need to back up a bit, since these entries will be read by the docs, I better start at the beginning, and introduce myself. I’m Alison Charles, and I’m getting too close to fifty years old.

Oh yeh, I’m also transgendered.

Girl brain stuck in male body, and brother, it sucks, big time.

Especially since I would never pass well enough to transition.

Which is why I volunteered for an experimental procedure that would make me a girl without surgery, assuming it works.

Part of the agreement is I write down everything that happens, and I have no problem with that, since I keep a diary anyway. My diary has kept me sane for years of being stuck as a male, and the only difference is for the first time, someone else will be reading my entries.

I hope I dont bore them to tears talking about being trans, but its important. My whole life I KNEW I was really a girl, but after getting the shit kicked out of me by my dad, I realized I had to pretend I wasnt. I did everything possible to “man up”. and even took steroids to bulk up.

The result is I’m five foot-eleven, and seriously muscular. And look pretty stupid in a dress.

I had a breakdown last year, and finally realized I was killing myself trying to please my old man, who was long gone, and for what? Nothing, as far as I could see. But by the time I realized it, I figured it was too late, I was not passable, so what could I do?

Fortunately, my shrink happened to know the guys doing this experiment, and soon, I was signing my agreement to partake in this little trial. I waited on pins and needles for weeks, and then got the word, and that’s where this entry started.

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Entry 2:

Tomorrow is the big day. I’m pretty nervous, so to keep my mind off of it, I might as well try and explain what I know about what they are going to do for me. My understanding is that they will be sort of “rebooting” me, as if I had been born a girl. First, all my male features will go like I was gong through puberty backwards, and then I’ll get to go through it again, but this time as a girl. My shrink says the guy responsible for this thing lost someone he cared about because they were trans, and has worked for years to make this possible.

I hope he’s right, because its probably my only shot of being the real me in this lifetime.

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Entry 3:

My first day on the test site was .... amazing. First, I was introduced as “Alison”, and nobody even blinked about that. In fact, everyone uses only female pronouns for me, and it feels so good I cant even begin to do justice to it. Right now, I feel like even if it turns out that the experiment fails, to have this moment will be enough to sustain me .

Doesnt mean I’m going to stop hoping and praying its a total success.

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Entry 4.

Got tested, poked, and prodded six ways from Sunday today, but everything seems set. The test begins tomorrow.....

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Entry 5.

I dont know what I expected. I think some stupid part of me thought this was like a magic want - I would step on the plate a man, and step off a woman, just like that. But I didnt change at all, or so it seems. But they seemed pretty happy with the result, and told me I needed to be patient. “Give it a couple of days,” they said. Easy for them to say when they arent the ones who’ve been wating for nearly fifty years to feel like a whole person.

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Entry 6

I started crying like a baby over nothing today. Couldnt seem to make myself stop. They did some blood work on me, and my testosterone levels have dropped like a rock, and my estrogen levels are going through the roof. This is what I would have felt like if I had started a hormone regimen, only a whole lot faster. I’ve been promised that the good stuff starts soon ,,,,

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Entry 7

I’m growing boobs!

I cant believe how fast they’re coming in, either. According to the docs, I should expect to end up looking like I would have if I had been born XX, and based on my family tree, I should end up with something close to a “D” cup.

Egads, I’m going to need some serious support ...

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Entry 8

My male bits have shrunk almost to nothing. My testicles had gone back inside me, where I’ve been told that they will eventually be used for the raw material for my womb.

Gee. my womb. Is that really possible?

*****

Entry 9.

I look completely like a girl now. Somehow in this process, I’ve lost a couple of decades, and now I look like I’m in my twenties, at best. Apparently the work is also going well inside, and they expect everything to be complete by tomorrow.

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Entry 10

I started a period! And I hereby apologise to every woman who I’ve ever bugged about having one. Yeh, I always wanted this, but wishing and actually having are really different. I was prepared for mood swings and pain and what have you, but what took me off guard was the feeling like I was peeing my pants the whole time.

DONT YOU DARE LAUGH!

*****
Entry 11

Things are going great. They wanted to test my orientation, and it turns out I’m actually bi. I probably suppressed the “being attracted to boys” bit because I had always been taught it was totally wrong and being a sissy. But now that I’m a girl, its cool if I like boys. as well as girls, and well .. I’m really tempted to take my equipment out for a test run, if you know what I mean.

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Entry 12

I owe the girls of the test group big time. Not only did they convince the powers that be I needed a real night out as a girl, with a makeover and a new outfit, they found me a nice guy to spend some time with.

No, we didn’t sleep together. I am NOT that kind of girl.

Not that I wasnt tempted ....

*****

Entry 13

I think I have a boyfriend.

If that sounds weird, it feels weirder. He’s cool, but we havent managed to have The Talk yet to actually define what we have.

But it feels nice, whatever it is.

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Entry 14

Something’s wrong. I feel horrible. I’ve got to go back to the lab and get checked out.

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Entry 15.

I’m crying so hard its hard to write this out. Something has gone wrong with my transformation, and its .... undoing itself. The pain I was in was from my insides re-arranging back to male mode. The lab boys are working hard, but nobody can seem to figure out why.

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Entry 16

I lost my womb. Despite how much I disliked my periods, I’m just .... devastated. I was actually looking forward to maybe being a mom some day. Now it will never happen.
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Entry 17

My male bits are coming back out. I asked about surgery, but they told me it would be dangerous until my transformation is complete.

I honestly don’t know how to wait that long.

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Entry 18

Its all over.

I’m back to being the ugly, male thing I was before this started. Worse, they tried to give me some female hormones to see if I could transition the normal way, but it appears that I cant handle them.

So I’ll never be a woman now.

So how do I live with that?

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Entry 19

Is it better that I had a short time as myself, or would it had been better if I had never heard of this project?

I honestly dont know the answer to that.

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Entry 20

This is gonna be the last entry I’m going to let the lab boys read. Not much point now that the project was a failure. I guess I go back to my male life, if I can manage it. I just wanted to tell them all thanks. Even if it didnt work, at least they tried. And nobody could have treated me any better throughout.

I’ll treasure the memory for as long as I live.

Bye guys and gals. Dont give up, okay?