Author's Note: This part of the story contains the tag Hypnosis-Mind Control. I know this might be offensive to some people. Please have an open mind and continue reading, it plays an integral part of the story.
I was pleasantly surprised that upon my return from Stephanie's secret lab that I wasn't dragged off by some big government goons and interrogated. Instead we continued to play the game. Them watching me, me watching them, and both sides knowing the other was on to them. I'd even taking to knocking on my neighbour's door and letting them know where I was off to. The first time I did that I think they both shit themselves. I'd also found a couple of micro cameras hidden in my apartment and accidentally disabled them with a mallet.
Likewise when I booted from a search and destroy disk I found a rootkit on my hard drive that was communicating through the Internet. With the rootkit cleaned off my system I tried to find out where it was communicating to. My network connection logging software on my firewall told me the IP address which I had found belonged to some vague government group.
Of course the next time I went out the cameras were replaced and the rootkit was again back on my hard drive. Knowing what IP address range involved with their rootkit I set my firewall server to block that address range. Suddenly their root kit lost connectivity with home base. This sent them into a bit of a panic for a few days, until they realized what I'd done and they then rooted my firewall server. I was prepared for this eventuality and bought a microcomputer about the size of an old pack of gum sticks. I accidentally mallet disabled the cameras again. I opened the wall plate for my network connection and hooked my little microcomputer into my network connection. It had its own firewall to block that IP address range that the rootkits were using. Once everything was tested and working properly I put things back together again. I again cleaned my computer workstation and firewall server of their root kits and sat back and waited.
The next time I went out the computer and the firewall workstations were rooted again, the cameras replaced, however they didn't find my little hidden firewall for nearly a month. I'm sure their computer technical boys must have felt stupid to miss something so simple and obvious for so long. After that they ended up using randomly selected proxy servers to report back on my computer activities. So it was impossible for me to block them this time because it was a constantly changing target. However I still kept removing their rootkits and permanently disabling their cameras on an almost daily basis.
There was something else that I couldn't quite put my finger on at that time. A certain unease. I wasn't sure what was causing it, but I just didn't feel right about anything since coming back from my time with Stephanie. The thing was it wasn't something around me, it was like something to do with me that was bothering me, making me feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately it took me a while longer before I understood what was causing this feeling.
Stephanie and I had arranged our next get together in advance so we had no need to discuss it when we talked to each other. We still occasionally spoke on the phone or sent emails, but none of our messages gave any clues as to when our next get together would be.
It was one of my in office days when I gave my vacation request to my supervisor at work. I noticed the moment he thought I was out of sight he picked up the phone and dialled a long number and looked around to see if I was still in the area. I guess they had all of the angles covered.
Two weeks later I hopped in my car and headed off. I lost my tail yet again. After which I lost the two tracking devices on my car and then I headed back the way I had come, before turning up a disused logging road. I eventually found the spot that Stephanie had said to leave my car. I headed off on foot until I came to a small dock with a boat attached, again as she had described. I crossed the lake and hiked some more. Eventually finding a nice little cabin, well maintained, just as she had said. I didn't have anything with me, since I didn't need clothing or anything else. This time Stephanie had left me with the knockout drug. I got naked, lay down on the cot, covered myself with the sheet there and took my dose.
I stretched and awoke in my bedroom. I was a bit disappointed that Stephanie wasn't there waiting for me to awaken, but if I knew her she'd be by minutes after I got up. I freshened up and sure enough soon after I was dressed there was a knock on the door.
"Come on in, I'm decent."
"Hi, Todd, any trouble getting here?"
I found her question a bit ironic since I still had little clue as to where here was. I guess she was referring to my shadows.
"Um, no more than last time, which honestly surprises me. They must still be tracking me somehow, at least until you have me collected."
"Did you have your cell phone with you?"
"Yes, but I switch it off and left it in the car."
"Doesn't matter. The legally mandated safety locater chip in the phone secretly powers up periodically, gets a GPS or cell phone tower fix and then sends the location information off to the government or if there's no data connection it stores it until it can transmit it. The same is true with all vehicles. The remote ignition kill system that all vehicles now have to allow police to stop high speed chases or intoxicated drivers is cellular based; which allows the government to track any vehicle it wants, whenever it wants. No court orders or notices given to anyone.
"There are actually several different methods in a vehicle that allows the government to track its movements, such as the RFID/Tire pressure chips in the tires. They're picked up by road sensors and stored in a government database. Then there's the black box recorder in every vehicle. The cellular data connection in the vehicle allows the government to pull down any data it wants from the black box, which includes anything said in the vehicle."
"But why do they bother putting the tracking device on my car then?"
"So you can find them and think that you've outsmarted them. I bet the devices they had attached to your car were nothing but fakes. Also the fakes, by the same reasoning you just used, keep the public from knowing that their every movement is tracked and monitored. It's possible to disable the built in vehicle tracking features, but that only causes the government to take more interest in you. In your case abandoning the car and your cell phone with it left them trying to find you via spy sat or reconnaissance drone. If you arrived when I told you to, then neither were supposed to be in the area."
"How do you know all of this? Wait, let me guess, A.o.T.?"
"On the nose, Lover."
With that she came over and wrapped her arms around me. I felt so safe there I didn't want that hug to end. I was also surprised that she called me lover. I mean we had made love in a sense, but then again in another we hadn't. It also wasn't me she made love to. Yet I was the one controlling the body she made love to. But had I even made love to her? Ooh, if I think too much about it my head will explode. I'll go with the simple explanation. We made love to each other. Who cares what bodies we were in at the time. It felt real and I know the emotions were and are very real.
Eventually the mutual hug ended. There was no passion in the hug on her part, just love. It still amazed me that we could be so in love with each other and yet unable to be lovers in the physical world.
"So what's on for this trip?"
"Well I think I've figured out a way that I can pass a message on to you without them being able to see what it is and hopefully not even knowing you've gotten a message from me."
"There's a huge amount of spare capacity in the implants we have. All I need to do is upload some additional software to it and when you see a specially encoded photo or video, the implant will store it and play it back to you at a time of your choosing, either as an image, sound or video clip. It will all be in your head, so no one can eavesdrop."
"That's kinda freaky. How safe is it?"
"Very. Safer than any other means of communicating we've had so far."
"Stephanie, I was wondering if I could design a female body for me to use in the sim?"
"Um, actually I have a few I've already created for you, but you're more than welcome to design one for yourself."
"Can I see what you've come up with?"
"Do you want to do that now or eat first?"
Truthfully I was rather eager to get into a sim with her again, preferably in a body that was more to her liking than my real world body. However, I needed to keep my strength up in the real world so I wouldn't tire too easily in the sim.
"As much as I don't want to, maybe we should get something to eat first." I thought I detected a slight bit of disappointment in her face when I said this.
"Um, yeah, I guess you're right."
Bingo! She was disappointed. Was it just that she wanted to show me the female bodies she'd designed and wanted a willing subject to test them out on? Or was she just wanting to install the upgraded software into the implant and test it? Knowing her it was probably an equal split. Hopefully she was also interested in picking up our relationship where we left it in the sim. I knew I was more than ready.
Although neither of us was enthusiastic about eating first, the meal was prepared, eaten and cleaned up in record time. Personal needs were taken care of so the time in the sim could be maximized.
The first female sim she had me try was Hanna, a tall Swedish woman, very fit with all of the right curves and in my opinion breasts that were a tad too big for the body. I swear somehow she had programmed in a slight Swedish accent in some way. Hanna's sim body was a physical match for Stephanie, but even in the sim bodies her martial arts training gave her a huge advantage over me. The wresting matches were rather fun, and the fun that followed....well that was even better.
Now I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Stephanie did a fair bit of her work from inside the sim. Most of it was done on computer anyway and the sim lab's computers were as much a part of the real world lab's computers. While she was busy doing her work, I worked on my own sim female body. I didn't have quite as good an eye as she did, but after the two weeks I did come up with something fairly good, but alas time ran out so I didn't get to try the body on that trip.
I was in Hanna for a couple of days, before I tried Stacey for three days, a beautiful redhead, pale freckled skin, mesmerizing blue eyes, and a lilting laugh. She was just a tad shorter than my real world self. Then there was the black female sim, I can't remember her name as it was quite exotic like she was, but I'm terrible with remembering names, especially unusual names. There was also Tami a beautiful east Indian woman, plus two others that I didn't get to spend any time in.
It was funny, but other than eating, taking care of bodily needs and some exercise we spent the entire time working and, um, playing in the sim environment. We ended up doing our sleeping in the sim cuddled next to each other after a glorious rounds of lovemaking. After that first morning neither of us needed to make or change our beds in the real world. I don't think either of us thought about me using my Todd sim body once while we were there.
Oh yes, the extra features that Stephanie added to our implants was rather simple to use. All I had to do was go to a particular website and there would be a data code image on the website, very common now, virtually everything had them. Even clothing had these data tags in them. All you had to do was hold the tag in front of your cell phone camera and all of the manufacturing and washing instructions would displayed on the phone. Likewise web sites often had these for you to capture the tag with your phone so that if you were into a store you could get exactly the same item you saw online. These data image tags were so common no one would notice one that I happened to glance at one that was specifically encoded for my implant.
If I ever needed to find my way to her lab to destroy it she gave me a code that would unlock the first step in locating the lab. I would go to each location where a new data image tag would give me the instructions for the next step on my journey. When I eventually got to her secret lab, there would be a data image tag there that would provide the necessary codes to ensure that nothing remained of her work. All a bit cloak and dagger for my way of thinking, but given the amount of surveillance the two of us were under it was probably necessary.
There was also a couple of sites that have various amateur videos on it. Stephanie would arrange for videos by a certain popular amateur entertainer to be tampered with. All I had to do was sit back and watch the video and the implant would see, decrypt and store the real content until I was ready to play it back again. We figured the best time would be as I lay in bed with the lights off. I'd trigger the playback and watch it while my observers thought I was going to sleep. The only problem with this method was that it would more likely be prone to errors or outright failure, although the videos would be able to pass on more information than a picture if the process worked properly.
It was shortly after my return home from that trip that I began noticing something. Well it was tied into what I had been feeling on my previous return home, but it's where I first became conscious of what was really bothering me.
To put it simply I was uncomfortable being a man and living in a man's body. After two weeks of being almost exclusively female in the sim environment, I suddenly found being male difficult and unnatural. It was a feeling that, instead of fading as time distanced me from my time in a woman's body, grew stronger with each passing day. It's like I'd seen a hidden side of me....the true side of me, and now I couldn't go back to what I had been before. Marcus's comment that I should have been born a girl came back and haunted me. Maybe I really was a girl all along. I just didn't realize it until now.
Thinking about it now it makes a lot of sense in a weird and twisted kind of way. Stephanie was attracted to the female aspects of my personality and the nerd side. She fell in love with my hidden female self. Unfortunately for both of us my male body kept us apart.
With each passing day I became more convinced that I should have been born female. Even if Stephanie and I went our separate ways I knew I'd eventually have to become female. I knew I'd have to do it even if it cost me everything, including Stephanie. For once in my life I'd found something more insistent and more demanding than my love for her.
I think for the first two days after my realization I didn't sleep at all. I just lay awake all night thinking about the implications of this new twist to my life. I struggled to find the man within me, the man I had somehow misplaced during my time as a woman, and to my surprise I found he hadn't really existed, at least not in any way I could understand or capture again. As if my life wasn't already weird enough without this new complication.
There were times I also broke down crying. I can hardly imagine what my spying neighbours made of that. Maybe they thought Stephanie and I had gone our separate ways and I was emotional about that. Maybe if they thought we'd gone our separate ways they'd stop watching me? Somehow I doubted it would be that easy or that quick.
After I got used to the idea that I was meant to be a woman, my emotions were more under control. Yet I felt a lot of stress thinking about what the future would bring; doctors appointments, evaluations, blood tests, criticism, potential job loss, trouble finding employment, being ostracized by some people, potential violence, the list could go on. Was I prepared for all of that? I was pretty sure that my parents wouldn't take it well at all; their only child changing sex.
Then there was Stephanie. I didn't know what her views on male to female transsexuals were. She might be an accepting lesbian, but since the subject never came up I really had no idea where she stood. Yet I could be one of the lucky ones where I was mostly accepted and still loved by those I cared about.
I had no idea how I was going to go about this. I needed to talk to Stephanie first before doing anything. I certainly couldn't do any research on the subject without my nosey neighbours reporting back to whomever this latest, and to me very personal, development.
The days, weeks and months until our next get together were very hard on me. My newly discovered self needed release more and more with the passing of time. I felt like I'd go crazy if I didn't get back into a female sim body soon.
I received a couple of test messages from Stephanie through the implant. When we chatted on the phone or email I'd let her know through the use of a predetermined word for each message that I'd gotten it.
Eventually the time for our next visit came up. I could tell my neighbours were on alert. They were everywhere I went. I figured that things would soon blow. This was later confirmed when one of my neighbours actually came up and spoke to me.
"Going to give us the slip again, Todd?"
"Since I haven't managed it yet, I don't see how I will do it this time. Whoever you lot really are you've just let me believe I've given you the slip."
"I've got a message for you. Just make sure you choose the right side. Choose the wrong one and things will end very badly for you."
With that he turned around and walked away from me, although he always remained in sight. His threat was clear. They wanted me to turn on Stephanie or I'd be expendable. Of course if I did that then I would definitely be expendable to them.
It was the day I was due to leave and I was still freaked out by my brief conversation with my neighbour. I decided to give my car a thorough once over before hitting the road. I almost shit myself when I found something attached to the brake hose of my car. Whatever it was it certainly didn't belong there. I called the police and Jack's Uncle turned up. I live in a small town with only half a dozen police officers per shift to serve the entire community; so it had to happen again at some point that he and I would meet.
When I showed him the device on my brake cable he turned white as a sheet.
"Todd, I'm going to take this with me and we'll both forget we ever saw it."
Now it was my turn to get upset at him like Stephanie had done so long ago.
He gave me a serious look, and indicated that I should leave my cell phone in my car. He walked over to his patrol car and left his cell phone and police radio in the car. He then indicated that I should follow him a short distance away,
"I could get into a hell of a lot of trouble telling you this, but I've been ordered by some knuckle dragging government goons who flashed some impressive credentials, to ignore stuff like this where you're concerned, every officer in town has. They've backed up the official threat with a veiled threat to our families."
I could see he was clearly telling the truth. He was an honest cop and this went against everything he believed in, which is why he was telling me this.
"I think you are doing the right thing. Take their threats very seriously, they mean them. I won't trouble you any further." I said and walked away from him and never turned back.
I don't know if he knew how much I knew, but I had just confirmed his worst nightmare. He and more specifically his family were in danger because of me.
I grabbed my cell phone from my car and quickly drafted a letter to my apartment manager giving my notice. I couldn't stay in this town any longer, doing so would endanger the police officers and their families. I'd finished the email to my apartment manager and sent it by the time I back got to my apartment. I quickly started a search for apartments in the nearby city and left it to run on my main computer while I was away.
With my life in this town over I went back down to my car and gave it another quick search for anything that shouldn't be there. I dropped the phony tracking devices I'd found earlier on the road. I turned off my cell phone, removed the battery and headed off. Two hours later I drove slowly through a canyon supposedly looking at the view. Once inside an avalanche tunnel I quickly raced to the end of it and got out of my car. A man, I've no idea who, jumped into my car and drove off. I quickly exited the tunnel on foot and hid behind a concrete support until a couple of minutes later my shadows passed by; hopefully oblivious to the fact that my car had made a brief stop in the tunnel.
I found the car that had been left for me about half a kilometre ahead at the next view point. I got in the car and headed back the way I had come from. By the time my shadows realized they had been tricked, yet again, they would have virtually no way of finding me.
My destination this time was a car park. I parked and took my knockout drug.
I awoke as normal in my room, my home with Stephanie. Here is where I was happiest and alive.
We started off as normal, greetings, some catching up on things we couldn't discuss in the outside world. I kept a few things for later, like the threat from my spook neighbour and what our cop acquaintance told me. Also the fact that I had chosen to remove the risk to him and his family by moving.
I also wanted to tell Stephanie about my personal discovery, but I didn't want to do it in this body. Yet I wasn't sure I wanted to do it in one of the others that we had been playing around with. I think I needed a new female body that I would use to tell her about me. To judge how she would react to me.
Given my previous lack of skill at creating a female sim I was ultimately surprised at how quickly I managed to create the one I wanted to be in when I told Stephanie about me. I had it done and mostly completed on my first day there. I managed to keep it a secret from her by telling her it was a surprise and that she had to wait to find out what I had created.
Our first day had begun like the last time. As I said we talked and caught up. We ate, cleaned up and took care of our personal needs before ending up in the lab again, and from there quickly into the sim. I was wearing one of the other sim bodies that I hadn't had a chance to try out on my last trip.
While Stephanie worked on her project I told her I was going back up to the living room to work on my surprise for her. I actually made her promise not to peek at what I was doing. Of course I never left the sim except to go to the bathroom, eat and exercise, the same was true for Stephanie.
After we had finished our separate tasks and made the obligatory trip back to meat space to eat and go for a walk, after which we ended back in the sim again. That night we made love to each other for an hour or so. She really is talented at, um, enhancing one's staying power and ultimate satisfaction. That's all I'm going to tell you, so mind your own business. After our mutual lusts were dealt with we fell asleep in each other's arms.
In the morning we awoke and after taking care of a few pressing needs in meat space we started our sim day much as we had finished it before going to sleep the night before. After that I decided to tell her about me.
"Stephanie I want to let you in on my surprise now. I want you to stay here and don't peek. I'll be right back."
"Okay, I won't get off this bed."
"And no peeking!"
"Okay, I promise I won't peek."
I gave her a kiss that delayed my surprise by several minutes. Eventually we both came up for simulated air.
"I'll be right back" I said breathlessly.
I quickly exited the sim and activated my new body design in the sim server. I looked over at Stephanie's body resting peacefully in her sim chair. I had to take more than a few deep breaths before I could work up the nerve to re-enter the sim.
It was now or never. I had set my sim to return to Todd's bathroom. I did a quick check of my body in the mirror and it looked as good as I was likely to get it. I then made my way to the master bedroom and took a couple of more deep breaths and knocked on her bedroom door.
"Ready for your surprise?"
"Yes?" She sounded a bit confused because my voice wasn't quite my Todd voice and it wasn't any of the female sims' voices.
Again I took a couple of deep breaths and entered the master bedroom. "Surprise!"
"Todd? What did you do to your body?"
I walked over to her and sat down on the bed beside her. I took her hands and looked into her eyes.
"Stephanie, my love, I made a discovery the last time I was here. It kind of rocked my world to its foundations. I guess what I'm trying to say and show you is that I discovered that deep inside me I'm a woman and not really a man."
"Todd, you don't have to change your sex to be with me."
I laughed gently at her naivety. The only way we could be completely together was here in a sim with me wearing a female body. The only type of body that was acceptable to a one hundred percent lesbian woman like herself.
"Stephanie, did you actually hear what you just said?"
She thought for a second and looked a bit sheepish. "Um, big jeanyus I is not." We both laughed at her joke.
"Seriously, I don't know where we are going with this, but living in a sim isn't a practical way for us to maintain our relationship. Not to mention it's highly impractical and dangerous in the long term because we'd both become rather large blobs of useless flesh in the real world." she said, stating the obvious.
"I know all of that as much as you do."
"I still don't want you changing your body, becoming a woman and psychologically and physically damaging yourself to be with me. Todd, you are a man, no matter how much I love you and want to be with you I could never allow you to do that just to be with me."
"My beautiful Love, I wouldn't change my sex just to be with you. You see when I got back to my apartment and had to live as a male again, full time, I realized I was completely uncomfortable being one and living as one. My short time here living as a woman, in these sims, showed me a side of myself that I could never turn away from once I knew it was there. To me it felt like these sims were more real, more me, than the meat space me out there. I was getting more and more stressed living out there as a man. It just refused to fade and only grew worse the longer I was forced to do it."
"Todd, it's probably just the sex. Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore, because it's messing with your head?"
I laughed sadly. She still didn't understand.
"Stephanie, I have to do this for me and me alone. It has nothing to do with you being a lesbian and the two of us wanting to be together. If you couldn't stand me as a male to female transsexual I would have to leave your life to be the woman I know I am. I designed this body to represent how I will probably eventually look. I know I'll always look like I was born a guy. After all there's only so much cosmetic surgery can do. If you can accept this feminized body", I waved my hand down in front of my approximation of my sex changed male body, "and can accept that I'm a woman in my heart and soul, then we have a future together as a couple. If you can't accept me then we will have to say goodbye to each other."
"I don't know, Todd. I'd never even considered this as a possibility before this moment. I have no idea how I feel other than shocked."
She definitely looked shocked now that she understood exactly how I felt.
"I understand how you feel. It took me days to fully realize it and accept it. I don't think I slept at all for a couple of days. By the way, please call me, Tamara, it's going to be my name from now on."
"Why Tamara?" seeing an obvious connection between the name and the name of my first female sim.
"I loved the name from the moment I heard you say it. It just felt so right hearing that name, like it was always meant to be my true name."
"To....Tamara, I really need to think about this. I just don't know what I feel at the moment. Do you mind if I have some privacy?"
"Of course not. I realized this would be a shock to you."
Before I could back out of the sim she had called up her command window and just as she exited the sim I could see a tear trickle down her cheek. I decided to give her a few minutes to leave the lab before I exited the sim. When I did, I found she was still in a sim, but one that I could not access. I sure hope I'd done the right thing just now.
I left the lab and aimlessly wandered the house. I couldn't read and I certainly didn't feel like eating. I left a note for Stephanie and headed out of the house and along one of the trails. The trail eventually led to a small lake, and I just sat on a rock staring at the lake. I had no idea how long I was there, I have no idea how long I'd been crying.
The whole time I was sitting there, there was a little but insistent voice, which reminded me of my father's voice, which kept on saying, 'Be a man Todd!'. I kept on screaming back at it to piss off and die. Every time I did this it seemed to be just a bit more quiet, not quite as strong. Eventually it became a feeble whisper, and finally I could sense it no more.
I was still sitting there staring at nothing, not seeing the beautiful lake and scenery in front of me, when a hand holding a tissue appeared in front of my face.
"You really need to blow your nose and dry your eyes."
I took the tissue and took care of my nose and tears.
"What do I call you like this, Todd or Tamara?"
"I guess Todd, if I'm pretending to be him, otherwise Tamara will do."
"Todd, I don't know what all of this means for us. I find my emotions are all over the place. I'm very confused by our past, what we've been doing in the sims and especially by the thought of you changing your sex."
She paused for a moment before continuing. I don't think she knew what her decision was until the moment just before she continued speaking again.
"I do know one thing; above all else I'm your friend and I'll support you through this no matter what."
"Thank you." I choked out.
I wrapped my arms around her and cried my eyes out yet again. I think her shoulder was soaking wet well before my tears ran out.
When I eventually pulled back I saw her face was almost as wet as mine. She again produced a tissue, well a couple of tissues, and we each took the time to dry our faces. I looked up into her beautiful eyes. I could see she still loved me, but it was also clear that she was just as confused by my revelation.
"You really are a girl in there aren't you, Tamara?"
I just nodded, fearing that answering her question out loud would cause more tears to flow.
She closed her eyes and leaned down and kissed me. Her kiss was hesitant at first but with more conviction with each passing second. I could tell this kiss, unlike any we had shared with me as Todd, was genuine passion, nothing forced. It felt just like it did in the sim, when I was wearing one of the female bodies. I'm sure in her minds eye she was imagining me in one of those bodies.
Eventually she broke the kiss and I opened my eyes and looked up into her face. Her eyes were still closed as she turned to face the lake before opening her eyes where she stared off into the distance for some minutes, with flickers of unreadable emotions dancing across her face.
She seemed to make up her mind about whatever she was thinking about. "I don't know if we can make this work, but I want to try. I love you, Tamara, I just hope I am capable of loving the end result of your physical transformation too. Because I still want you with all of my heart."
I just hugged her tightly as tears of happiness flowed down my cheeks.
We didn't say much more after that. We just sat there and looked at the view and held onto each other.
Eventually we made our way back to the house. By the time we got there I felt like I needed a couple of litres of water to replace what I'd cried out that day and another litre just to replace what I'd lost just sitting in the sun.
We prepared our meal and ate it mostly in silence. We were both distracted by our own private thoughts.
We went to bed that night in our own real world rooms instead of sleeping together in the sim. I don't think I really slept much. Looking at Stephanie the next morning I don't think she had slept much either. My lousy night's sleep came from the fact that I was missing being cuddled up next to her. Yeah I did miss the sim sex too, but I honestly that was more than a small part of my problem that night.
After breakfast we went down to the lab. Unlike recently, Stephanie elected to work in the real world. I left her to do her work and I played around with further feminizing my sim body. I refined some of the rougher bits, thinking about the types of plastic surgery I'd heard of and hoping I was keeping the modifications as real as was medically possible. After three hours of working at it I realized I'd made a mess of the sim model and had to revert back to where I was at the start of the day.
"I was wondering when you would realize that you'd messed things up a bit." said Stephanie from just over my shoulder. I guess I'd been so intent on what I was doing that I missed the fact that she had stopped what she was doing and was watching me work.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to take you away from your work."
"You didn't. How about we take a break and get something to eat? After that I can give you some pointers on how to do the types of changes you're attempting and what is currently possible with cosmetic surgery. I can even tell you what's possible with some top secret medical tech, that the government is holding onto."
"Of course. My other sources are nowhere near as good as she is at finding out about things like that."
We ate another quiet meal. Both of us still trying to come to terms with my discovery and revelation and what it might mean for the two of us. I guess neither of us knew how to broach some of the things we needed to discuss, which is why discussion between us had practically dried up. I suppose I needed to get the ball rolling on this.
"Stephanie, are there aspects of me, besides my body, that hold you back?"
She sat quietly for a moment. From the expression on her face she was choosing her words carefully.
"I'd be lying to you if I said no. There's so much about your personality, who you are, that I love and don't seem to be able to live without. Yet there are other bits, besides your body, that can on occasion bother me."
"Oh, what are they?"
"Well most guys have a certain physicality about them. The way they move, the way they say things, amongst other behaviours. As guys go you're not bad, but it does stand out at times and makes me a bit uncomfortable around you when it happens."
"Could I change them? I'd try my best."
"I believe you would try, with all of your will power, but I've seen other's like you and no matter how much they try, those things often still stand out. It's a lifetime of behaviour and it would take constant mental vigilance to attenuate or eradicate those behaviours. Most people are not up to it. You might be, but then again maybe not."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
"Tamara, I'm being straight with you. I've got my psychiatry doctorate, along with the years we've known each other, with that background as my reference I think you would do your best, but ultimately come short of achieving the changes you want."
"So you're saying no matter what we can't be together?"
"No, Love, I'm saying that you will probably need some help."
"You aren't talking about hypnotism or brainwashing?"
"Oh, god, no! I love you the person, and those things disgust me. No, I was more thinking about some selective editing in your memory models. Nothing that changes who you are, just tinkering with the odd thing here and there so that you behave like you've always been female."
"Well how can you do that? It certainly sounds like brainwashing or mind control to me."
"As you remember part of my work is on memory and how it works? I also told you that if the government could eventually get hold of my methods they could erase memories or create memories where none existed."
"Yes." It still sounded like she was talking about brainwashing to me.
She held up a fork. "I want you to remember as much detail about this fork as you can."
I gave her a puzzled look.
"Please indulge me for a few minutes. Do your best to remember every detail of this fork."
She handed me the fork and I looked at it from every angle. I even noted the manufacturers name imprinted on it.
"Okay, I think I've got it memorized."
"Good, now I'm going to ask you for a bit of faith here. I want you to let me hypnotize you. When we've done the experiment in a few minutes, I'll give you a keyword and you'll remember everything, including what instructions I give you under hypnosis. Until I give you that keyword you will act on those instructions, without consciously knowing what they are. The keyword will also remove the instructions when it restores your memories."
"This has something to do with my memories doesn't it?"
"Yes. I guarantee you nothing bad will come of this. I just want to demonstrate something about memory."
"Okay, I trust you."
"Good! Now let's go out into the living room and get you comfortable."
We went out and I got comfortable. She started the process and then suddenly stopped.
"Are you ready for my demonstration now, Tamara?"
"You haven't hypnotized me yet."
"Yes I have actually."
"But I don't remember a thing."
"Not yet, but in a few minutes when I remove the block you will."
"This is freaking me out."
"If you want I'll undo things right now?"
"No, let's just get this over with."
She handed me a notepad and pencil. "I want you to draw a fork, not the one I had you memorize in the kitchen, but just a fork in general."
I quickly drew the fork and handed her the pad. "I'm sorry I'm not a good artist."
"That's okay, I can still see it's a fork." She flipped over the page. Now I want you to draw a picture of the fork I had you study in detail.
I drew the fork and even included the manufacturer's name in the drawing. I wanted to impress her that I hadn't forgotten a thing about the fork.
"That's good, I see you remembered the manufacturer's name too." She flipped the page over. "Now I want you to draw a soccer ball."
Again I quickly drew an awful approximation of the soccer ball. Something was bothering me a bit as I finished the drawing, but I couldn't quite figure it out. I handed her the pad. "Wake up, Tamara."
I shook my head and suddenly I remembered the whole hypnosis session, every word, every detail and instruction she had said to me. She just smiled and handed me the notepad.
My first picture, the one she asked me to draw a generic fork was actually a soccer ball, the second one was the same, except it had the fork manufacturer's name on it. The third drawing was a generic fork.
"Okay, so you temporarily convinced me the that a soccer ball is really a fork and vice-versa."
"You're right, it would have only been temporary. The first time you tried to eat with your 'fork' your mind would have figured out something was seriously wrong. It would take a bit longer to figure out if I had made the example a bit more practical, say using a spoon instead of a soccer ball. Hypnosis is only that, temporary, not unless it's constantly reinforced and eventually become second nature to the subject. Usually it only temporarily changes behaviours. Eventually it will stop working on the individual, hopefully not before the new behaviours take hold. It usually takes a lot of reinforcing to make it permanent. Part of it's the individual and their own brain and mind. That's why hypnosis works great for some people to say stop smoking and for others it's an utter failure.
"What I can do, well I'm sure I can do, is isolate the memory model of a fork and reconnect the neural pathways so that they connect to a soccer ball's or a spoon's model. There would be no hypnosis, the memory, the association, the model that the brain uses for a fork would be rewired to use the new model as its base model."
"I don't quite get what you're saying."
"Well we don't actually remember pictures of things, we model things. Memories are just simplified models of things. So for instance if I asked you to describe a soccer ball, your brain and mind would start with a sphere, then add details to that basic sphere, pentagonal insets, the approximate size and weight, colour, texture details, firm but yielding when kicked. All of that happens unconsciously. The end result is that you see a soccer ball in your mind. It's a recreation of the actual thing you saw, but it isn't the thing you saw. If you remember specific details like a smudge it's added to the model of a particular soccer ball, but again the smudge will only be a model of a smudge."
"Okay I can accept that, but I don't see how it applies to the situation we are in."
"Well what if I could selectively change your model of yourself. Change the model of certain events in your brain. You would still be you, no personality changes, no real changes except how you see yourself."
"But how will that help me? I know I'm really a woman, but I'm stuck with a man's body."
"Describe your eight year old body to me."
I proceeded to give her a rough description of my body at that time, which truthfully was quite generic.
"What if I could change it so that your memory model wasn't that of an eight year old boy's body but an eight year old girl's body instead? What if all of the events of your life had you as a girl in your memories? What if I changed your model of the clothing you wore so that you remembered only wearing girls' clothing? What if I changed the model of the childhood games you played so they were no longer boys' games but girls' games? What if I altered the model of how your body moves and feels so that a male body doesn't feel right? What if some of those troublesome masculine behaviours we talked about were remodelled so they became typically feminine. All in all you would still be you, none of the major events in your life would have changed, but they would all be from the perspective of a female growing up as a female. It wouldn't be your memories being changed just the model by which you perceive your past."
"Shit, Stephanie, that's really scary. Do you really think you can do that?"
"I very sure I can. It'll take about a week to do all those changes, but I'm sure it's entirely possible. The real problem is locating the sources of all the models in your brain and figuring out say which boys' body model is yours and which is that of a male friend, then changing your personal model to a personal female body model. I don't want to alter any models if I don't have too, just the ones that pertain to your view of yourself, so that you would feel as much a woman as the next woman."
"But I'd still look like a guy who's trying to be a woman." I said dejectedly.
"I don't think you know just how good the surgical techniques are now. You would look like a tall, somewhat masculine woman, but no one would think you were ever born male, not unless certain behaviours gave you away."
"There's also some secret government tech, the tech they use to replace people with. It can literally alter the shape of bones, of say the skull under the face, allowing the face to be moulded into anything that is approximately the same size and similar shape. You couldn't for example take someone with a big head and shrink their head down. Likewise someone with a small head couldn't be given a large head, but you can reshape the skull to something of equivalent size and approximate shape. The same is true for other skeletal features. It can also do some minor genetic re engineering. Not much, but some simple stuff. So you couldn't make every cell in the body change from XY to XX, but you could alter some cells in certain areas of the body to behave in a different way. So for someone changing their sex you could have a vagina that actually lubricates when sexually aroused instead of needing to apply lubricant. Also the need for dilating would be eliminated because the new vaginal flesh wouldn't want to bond together."
"So you are saying you can make me into a woman, of roughly equivalent size and shape, just change the minor details to look much more feminine?"
"Exactly. Plus some other minor little enhancements that standard sex change operations can't achieve. Add to that some behavioural changes through altering your models of the world and particularly yourself and no one would ever believe you were not born a woman."
"I don't know, Stephanie, this is all too much to take in. It also sounds way too much like brainwashing to me."
"Tamara, if we decide to do this, you and I would choose each and every change that is made to your base models and to your body. We wouldn't change a single thing unless it was something that you and I wanted changed. I still want you to be the person I love, most faults and all. There are just some things that would definitely make you seem male or make you stand out if they weren't changed. Those are the things we should look at how to change them, so you could live the life you want to live and not have to constantly worry about how you're behaving."
I sat there thinking about what she was saying. On the one hand it scared the shit out of me. It was too much like what she feared the government was doing with her work and would do with this work should they get their hands on it. Yes she was telling me that she wouldn't do anything I didn't personally want, but when I was under the machine's influence she could change anything and I'd never know it. On the other hand she was offering me that chance to have a girlhood, something most people like me are denied. Yet would those experiences change me fundamentally? I am who I am, what I am today, in large part because of the experiences I've had throughout my entire life. If I did change because of those experiences being changed would she still love me and want me?
"I don't know, Stephanie, this is a lot to think about. In some ways it scares me, as much as you find the thought of your work being misused upsets and scares you. On the other hand you offer me something that would in essence make me all but female in my own mind and everyone else's. I'm quite overwhelmed by it all."
"Being around me sure makes life complicated huh? Seriously though we don't have to make any decisions until you're ready. I'm just giving you options to think about which my research has shown to be viable. I already have the equipment to locate your memory models here. What's needed to change your memory models can be built by our next trip here."
"How can you build stuff like that? I mean if you build it away from here won't they be making copies of your work and then won't they abuse that work?"
"Most of what is here is readily available medical equipment or scientific equipment. I just make some minor or major changes to it. Sometimes it's just a matter of rewriting the software that it uses. The equipment is ordered in such a way it's not traceable back to me. It's then shipped to a location where it's lost and ends up in a location where I can pick it up and bring it here. Sometimes while it's lost, others have specific instructions on making the modifications I want. I just have to do the final tweaking here. It's that final tweaking that usually makes my ideas so dangerous if it were to fall into the wrong hands."
"This sounds like a house of cards just waiting for a breath of wind to knock it over." I said shaking my head.
She was taking too many risks in my opinion. She was taking the fast path to getting things made up. If she was wrong about any of the people involved in the entire process, this place could even now be under surveillance. I was beginning to think she was being overly confident in her own abilities to avoid the government and others whom might be interested in her work. Maybe this was all some big elaborate scheme to trick her into making these things and then taking them over when they were ready.
"I'm sure I've thought of everything. For the time being my work and the two of us are safe here."
I wasn't so sure of that. If anything I was pretty sure it was the opposite. I was beginning to think that this was a lab and the two of us were rats running around in a maze. One of the rats was invaluable to the maze masters, the other had no true value at all.
"We should really get back into the lab. I'll show you those tips we were talking about and give you some idea of how far plastic surgery can take things. We can't take too long though because I still have a lot of work to get done this trip."
I guess that was the end of the discussion for the time being. There was a lot more that needed to be talked about but she had softly shut the door for the time being. Right at the moment it didn't feel right to me to bring it up again. When I'd thought some more, put together some better arguments or ideas I'd talk to her then. I just couldn't shake this bad feeling that was growing with each trip.
Five hours later and with Stephanie's full time help I had a sim of what could be achieved through regular surgical techniques. I could tell from the look on her face that it would likely not be enough to get past her personal sense of what a female lover was. To her this new sim was still too male for her to be attracted to it.
I would have been quite happy with the results. As she said I would look masculine, but it was a very womanly version of masculine. So much so that I'm sure most would never realize that I was ever born male. I'd certainly never be a model, but I would be attractive enough.
"So what do you think that secret government stuff would make me look like?" I asked her.
I wanted to be with her so bad, and knowing that conventional medical science just wouldn't allow the two of us to be together, well it hurt like hell.
Another two hours of work and there was a much more feminine sim version of me. With this sim I could see from Stephanie's expression that this might be enough to allow the two of us to be real world lovers. Maybe I was misinterpreting her expressions, maybe the other sim would have been enough. However I knew her fairly well after all of these years and I don't think I was misreading her feelings.
At this point we broke for dinner. Neither of us really felt like talking which only strengthened my view that whatever we did it may not be enough for the two of us. I didn't want to lose her, but I knew in my heart that I had to pursue this even if ultimately we couldn't be lovers; except in sims.
We cleaned up the dishes, again mostly in silence. I let her back into the lab and headed outside for a walk. It was getting dark now. I had a rough idea of what latitude this place was located at, and given the trees and other flora I knew which continent and roughly where. Still, if I was right then the people wanting Stephanie's work knew exactly where this place was and I was probably under some kind of surveillance at this very moment. I'd give them a wave if I knew where I was being watched from. I sat there for a long time contemplating my life and what the future might bring. Eventually I had to make my way back to the house since I hadn't dressed for the cool night air.
As I walked along in the growing dark, I realized I had been quite foolish to leave the house without something warm to wear and a flashlight. In the growing darkness sounds took on new meaning, especially with my belief that this place was being watched. Something large moved nearby in the brush and frankly at this point I was far more afraid of a human predator than anything the local fauna could provide. I knew panicking and running would just get me lost so I only sped up slightly and started to sing a song, just in case it was one of the local fauna. Eventually the shadow of the house could be seen against the background of the star glow of the night sky. I didn't really feel safe until the door closed behind me.
I noticed that Stephanie still hadn't come up for food. Just like her. I bet she'll be in the lab until almost dawn. I made myself something to eat and something for her. I had a quick shower and got into something comfortable before going to the lab.
As I expected she was busy working on something. From the look of concentration on her face the food I'd just put beside her wouldn't be touched. She had barely even registered that I'd entered the lab. I was used to it, but it still hurt and I had to wipe away a tear or two.
I loaded up the first sim Tamara that we had worked on earlier in the day, the one that showed what I would look like through conventional surgical means. I figured that this would be the way I ended up looking so I might as well get used to it now. I settled into the sim couch and came to in the sim version of my bedroom here in the house. I pulled the covers up over me and cried myself to sleep.
I awoke long after Mummy and Daddy had tucked me into bed. I heard them yelling at each other. Daddy was telling Mummy that since she couldn't have any more children that I had to be a boy. Mummy yelled back that the tests all showed I was sike somethin' or other a girl. My Daddy yelled back since I was inter sixed or somethin' like that, I could still be made to be a boy and think like a boy. The yelling went on for some time and I cried because for some reason I was the cause of the fight. Eventually they stopped yelling and I fell asleep again.
Some time later I heard my bedroom door open and my Mummy came in and sat down on the bed beside me. I pretended I was still asleep. I didn't want her to know I'd heard them fighting.
"I'm sorry, Sweetheart." I could hear that she was crying softly. "I've tried my best, but your father won't see reason. I love you my beautiful, sweet, innocent daughter." She kissed me on my forehead. "Goodnight, Tamara." I heard her crying harder as she left and shut the door quietly behind her.
I was sitting in a doctor's office. There was just me and another girl sitting there while my daddy talked to the doctor. The other girl was really beautiful, with long black hair. I wished I could be as pretty as her. I kept looking shyly at her out of the corner of my eye.
"Why are you wearing boys' clothing?" she eventually asked me.
"My father wants me to be a boy."
"That's ridiculous. Anyone can see you are a girl."
"What's reediclus mean?"
"Sorry, my parents say I use words that are too big for my age. Ridiculous, means silly."
"Oh. Why didn't you just say that?"
"Because I'm smarter than most kids my age and I can already read and write. I'm already taking grade three classes. Although I find them boring."
"Wow, you must be smart, I'm only in play school."
"What's your name?"
"My name is really, Tamara, but my daddy calls me, Todd. What's your name?"
"My name is Stephanie....I think your father is being stupid. It's so obvious you're a girl. Maybe I can convince him that you are really a girl."
"Mummy has tried and tried. They fight about it a lot. Daddy won't listen. He says because I'm inter....inter-sexed, that I can be a boy. I'm here to see the doctor to make me be a boy."
"What does inter-sexed mean?"
"My parents won't tell me. I guess it means that they can make me be a boy."
"But my mother is a psychiatrist, she can't change you into a boy."
"The doctor is your mother?"
"Well not really, she's actually my Auntie. My real parents died when I too young to remember them."
"Oh. I'm sorry, Stephanie."
"You don't have to be sorry. I never knew them and my aunt and uncle are the best parents anyway."
Stephanie and I talked for a long time. Occasionally our talking and playing together were interrupted by some yelling from the office where my daddy and the Stephanie's aunt were. Mostly it was my daddy yelling.
Eventually the door opened and Stephanie's aunt and my daddy came out. He looked pleased, she looked awful.
She smiled and looked down at me. "I'm Katherine, and we are going to spend some time with each other....Todd."
She looked like she wanted to choke on that name. I don't blame her, I don't like it either.
"Your father or mother will bring you in twice a week to see me for a couple of hours. Would you like that?"
"You're going to make me be a boy aren't you?" I said this so she would know I didn't want to be a boy.
She turned white as a sheet. "I'm going to help you accept what your father wants you to be."
"Will Stephanie, be here. We could play together."
"That's enough, Todd. Boys don't play with girls or dolls. Boys play with other boys and trucks."
My Daddy was angry with me. He was always getting angry at me whenever I didn't act like a boy, which was most of the time.
"Tamara is a girl, can't you see that? It's so obvious."
"Stephanie, stay quiet please." said her aunt.
"I don't want her around when he's here. He's going to be a boy even if it kills him and me."
My daddy dragged me toward the door and opened it. He started to pull me through the door as I looked back at Stephanie. Somehow I knew I'd see her again, no matter what my daddy wanted.
"Tamara, and I are going to be together forever." Stephanie said as she looked at me through the closing door and her aunt looked down at her with a shocked look on her face. I didn't hear anything after that because the door had closed behind us.
I remember coming and visiting Stephanie's aunt a bunch of times, but I don't remember much else. Every time I was in her office I got sleepy and didn't wake up until it was time for me to go home. I never did see Stephanie again, although I always asked Katherine about her. For some reason this made her upset.
I remember watching a sad movie and crying. My Daddy said to me, 'Be a man Todd!' I didn't cry at sad movies anymore.
I remember I loved going shopping with Mummy and watching as she tried on all of the beautiful clothes. My Daddy said, 'Be a man Todd!' and I didn't like shopping with her anymore and I stopped liking beautiful clothes.
I remember I loved to play with girls, but my Daddy said, 'Be a man Todd!' and I had no one to play with anymore.
I awoke suddenly. I'd had a dream of some sort. I think it was a bad dream, but I can't remember anything about it.
I became aware of an arm draped over me and a warm body behind me as I slowly came to my senses. I could smell it was Stephanie. I could tell just from the way she was in contact with me that it was her. I could feel my breasts and the lack of any male genitals between my legs. This was the way it was supposed to be, the way I was supposed to be. Suddenly it all felt right again. I quickly forgot about my dream and drifted off to sleep again.
I felt movement beside me and Stephanie shook my shoulder gently. "Wakey, wakey, Tamara. We've got a lot things to do today."
My world suddenly lurched, my head swam, and my vision clouded over.
"This was our last session together, Tamara. After today you will only be Todd, the boy your father wants you to be. However I've not let him destroy the real you. When you hear me and only me say 'Wakey, wakey, Tamara.' you will remember who you really are. Everything we've done in these sessions and what your father tells you when he says, 'Be a man, Todd!' will be undone. You will become yourself again, you will become Tamara. You won't remember Stephanie or I until the time is right.
"I hated doing this to you, but it was the only way I could protect you from the less scrupulous doctors your father would have taken you to if I had refused to help him. I am so sorry child. Please forgive me. If I can ever make it up to you I will." There were tears in her eyes.
"Wakey, wakey Todd!"
Eventually my head and vision cleared, with the exception of a pounding headache. I couldn't remember a thing about what happened to me just then. It was like two forces at war in my brain struggling for control. I needed aspirin in a big way.
"Tamara, what just happened to you? You started to get up, but you dropped back down and your eyes started to roll around in your head. Then it stopped just as quickly."
"I have no idea, but I've got a killer headache all of a sudden."
"Don't move, I'm going to run a scan on you."
Within moments my sim body stopped responding to my commands and the scan was run on my real body and brain.
"The only thing that is off is your brain activity. It's higher than normal and seems....well I've never seen anything quite like this, it's almost like two overlapping brain patterns, merging together."
"Well whatever it is the headache is fading quickly now. Can I move now?"
"No, we need to get out of here and I have to run a full diagnostic on your implant immediately. Ready?"
The sim faded and I was back in my real body, which seemed even more foreign to me all of a sudden.
"The feeling that I'm in the wrong body just got worse. A lot worse."
"This isn't good. I want to sedate you and run a very thorough scan on both you and your implant along with a complete diagnostic of the implant."
"Can I at least go to the bathroom first?"
She almost looked like she wanted to say no to me, but nodded instead. I quickly left and went to my bedroom's ensuite. I sat down and made a mess because I didn't point my penis into the bowl. It's like I forgot I had it and just sat and let go. It took me a few minutes to find the necessary things to clean up the mess I'd made on the floor and my clothing. Then I had to take a quick shower and changed into fresh clothing. About twenty minutes later I was back in the lab and feeling a bit out of breath because I was rushing.
"What happened? Why did you take so long?"
"I had an accident." I said not wanting to elaborate any further.
"What? Did you fall or something?"
"No, nothing like that."
"Well, what happened?"
I could see that she wasn't going to let me off the hook until I told her exactly what had happened.
"I sat down instead of standing to pee and I forgot I had a penis that had to be pointed into the toilet bowl, not left pointing up and at an angle. I couldn't figure out what was going on for a few seconds, so I ended up with a bit of a mess to clean up."
She could see my more than obvious embarrassment, because she didn't say anything more on the subject. There was also worry in her eyes.
"I've been going over the logs of your brain activity and you started to develop the slightly different brain pattern sometime before I got into the sim with you. It cleared about the time I joined you and then it spiked just after I woke you up. However it was fading very rapidly just before we exited the sim."
"So what does that mean?"
"I don't know. That's why I want to sedate you and do a full scan on you and your implant. It'll take a few hours and I need you absolutely still during the entire scan. Maybe then we can get to the bottom of what's happening."
"Catheter time again?" I said hoping it wouldn't be the case.
"Not this time, but I do recommend one of these." She said holding up an adult diaper.
'Maybe the catheter would be the better option.' I thought to myself.
"Look I don't think all this is necessary. I know I had some kind of weird dream last night, which I can't remember. Maybe that is what caused this?"
I said this trying to sound as hopeful and positive as I could. Anything to avoid what was ahead of me.
"I'm not going to be satisfied until I know you are okay and that there isn't a problem with the implant. I would prefer to get to the bottom of this now before anything can get worse.
I resigned myself to my fate and removed my pants and underwear and put on the diaper. The thought of what I would possibly find in there when I woke up made me ill. I quickly covered the diaper with my pants, hiding the embarrassing garment as quickly as possible.
"Okay, just lay down here and we can get this started."
She swabbed my arm and prepared the injection. I felt a slight prick.
"Nighty, night, Tamara."
My head swooned again for a moment before the drug made me unconscious.
When I came to Stephanie was busy looking at all of the data from my scans. From the frustrated sounds she was making I don't think she was finding anything, good or bad. I decided I'd better not disturb her. Honestly I don't think she knew I was awake or heard me leave the lab as I went to clean up the mess I felt in the diaper. God, I hated the feeling as I walked to the bathroom.
After I cleaned myself up I realized I hadn't eaten anything since the day before and my hunger now asserted itself. I made something for myself and for Stephanie and took it to her.
"Oh, hi, Hon. Thanks." she said absentmindedly barely registering me or the food I'd brought to her.
"Oh, when did you wake up?" she asked.
I think I now had about five percent of her attention. I could easily tell that the attention she was paying me was strictly autopilot.
"About five days ago."
"Oh, I didn't notice."
'Oh, a flicker of something not adding up showed on her face.' I thought.
"Mm, how are you feeling?"
"I feel fantastic, especially now that I'm lactating chocolate milk."
I could see this last one was struggling to make it all the way to her working consciousness.
"Huh, what did you just say?"
I think I now had about twenty-five percent of her attention.
"I said I feel fantastic now that I'm lactating strawberry milkshakes."
"Oh, I thought you said something different."
"Huh? What the hell did you just say?"
"Ah, finally I have your full attention."
"Did you just say you were lactating?"
I just started laughing at this point.
"You were on autopilot and asking me a bunch of questions that you weren't even paying the slightest bit of attention to. I just thought I would play with my answers until I got your full attention."
"That's not funny. You could have distracted me from something really important."
"I doubt it in this instance. You were making the same frustrated noises you were an hour ago when I woke up so I don't think you've found anything, have you?"
"Um, well, no. The implant is working perfectly and it wasn't the source of those unusual readings. I've also checked your sim server and mine and they weren't the cause. You haven't had a stroke or any kind of seizure. Your brain appears perfectly normal and matches with all the previous scans I've made. I'm at a loss to explain what happened to you during the night or when I woke you up. That only leaves your mind as the cause and I have no idea how your mind could cause the brain waves I was seeing."
"Well I did have that dream that I can't remember. Maybe it's tied in with that?"
"Maybe." she said very doubtfully. "I'll feel a lot better though if I could understand what was going on though."
"There are lots of things in this world that can't be explained. Is it really that important to understand one anomaly out of untold millions?"
"But this has to do with you, your health, your brain. If anything I've done is causing this I have to stop it and fix it."
"I'm feeling fine so I wouldn't worry about it."
"Damn it, Tamara, don't you understand? If I did something to you....If I caused something to happen to you....If I hurt you....or worse....I can't lose you. I love you."
Tears were forming in her eyes. Then she just stood up and hugged me to her, practically squeezing the air out of my lungs as she cried. God, she was strong! Especially when she was emotional. I held onto her tightly. My own tears joining hers. I couldn't lose her either.
Our tears eventually slowed to a trickle. We separated and cleaned ourselves up.
"You've done your best to figure this out. That's all I could ever ask of you and all you should ever ask of yourself. Besides as you say, the only possible source now is my own mind and one of the events seemed to coincide with my forgotten dream or dreams.
She was still upset and probably wouldn't let go of it until she was satisfied. I really didn't feel like being poke or prodded any more at the moment. I had to come up with something to distract her away from me.
"Hey, I just thought of something. With this implant you could give A.o.T. back her mobility at least within a sim, right? She can control computers and anything from within a sim like we do and there's no strain like with the brain machine interfaces she's currently using. Not to mention she could be whole again in the sim environment."
"Maybe, I hadn't even thought about it. There would be lots of issues because I couldn't map her body properly because the signals from her body would never reach her brain due to the damage to her spinal cord."
"Well I seem to remember after you mapped my body and left out one area, that you said you could probably map it just by comparing it to your own. Even I could see the similarities between your sensory map and the bit missing from my map on the screen."
I could see that I'd gotten the wheels spinning in Stephanie's mind. I don't know how she had managed to overlook this simple solution. I guess she had thought of this as just another step in her research into the brain and its workings and had given little thought to how it might be used to help those like A.o.T. and even those who worked in dangerous environments.
It wouldn't take much to build and send in a robot with enough sensors hooked into a human operator's brain. To the operator it would look like he, or she, was actually there, but they would be safe from potential dangers. Mining would be a good example of that type of situation, where explosions and tunnel collapses still claimed many lives each year. Then there was the gaming and porn industry, heck even the prostitution business would be radically different with this technology. Have sex with whomever you want, be whomever you want and never catch a single disease. STDs might be completely eliminated in just a few centuries because people might only have real world sex to procreate. Stephanie could be the richest person on this planet with just ridiculously cheap royalties on this one invention alone.
Of course there was also the dark side and those who will misuse any technology. Again the possibilities were endless and I did not want to explore them in depth. I guess the biggest would be sending too strong a signal into a person's brain, permanently harming them, like almost happened to me. I could see that in itself becoming a form of addiction. Or worse forcing someone to live experiences that they didn't want.
I guess as a species we've become very intelligent. We build great machines. We change our environment to suit our needs. Yet have we gained enough wisdom as a species to be able to handle the great inventions of our minds? Or are we like a small child playing with a loaded gun, devastation potentially one little mistake away? I guess in my heart I knew the answer, we were like a child playing with toys too dangerous for our limited maturity as a species. Individuals may be mature enough, but on the whole as a species we are not.
If I was religious I'd say, 'God help us all.' although I truly believe that we were on our own on this one. Not even little green men in flying saucers to help us. Why would they bother? No one would come and take our dangerous toys away from us. We'd be foolish and try and stop them if they did. More waste of life. We really have learnt nothing.
"Oh sorry, I was lost in thought. What were you saying?"
"I was saying that it's easier to map one small missing piece of the sensory data than a missing body's worth. But still if I could get enough samples, several hundred, I might be able to predict with a high probability which brain neurons belong to which body part. Although her brain might be re wiring itself to find those missing nerve signals or mapped other things in their place. Either way, everyone is wired up slightly differently. Even between the two of us there are a number of differences that can't be accounted for by our sexes and physical differences alone."
She quickly called up our two sensory maps and put them side by side and then marked where we were different in red. It was obviously much more complex than I had realized.
"Well it's something to think about anyway. Maybe it wouldn't be a permanent solution for her, but it would help her in the meantime."
"By the way I've noticed you only seem to call me Tamara now, regardless of whether I'm wearing a female body or not?"
"Have I? I guess I have. I don't know, I....it just feels right to say Tamara now. Saying Todd feels wrong now. I almost feel like it has always been wrong. Does my calling you Tamara bother you when you're like this?"
"No. Quite the opposite, I prefer it."
"Then why'd you ask?"
"I was just curious, that's all.
"It's funny but I'm really beginning to feel the same way about the name Todd. Kind of like it was something stuck onto me that shouldn't have been. Knock the nametag Todd off the front of me and you're left with Tamara, which has always been there, but hidden all along."
"This is weirding me out. It's like I'm forgetting something very important. The harder I try and figure it out the more it eludes me." She gave a slight shiver as she tried to remember.
"Me too. I'm getting weird shivers and my head is hurting a bit trying to remember something, but I don't know what I'm trying to remember."
"This is just too bizarre a coincidence, I'm going through a mild headache too."
"Tamara, I could be wrong about this, but I think the two of us have some portion of our memory blocked when it comes to the female side of you. It fits with the feelings we are having and it's only made itself known since you've come out as a woman."
"Even if you're right what can we do about it? How can we unblock something when we both can't be sure of what it is, or if it's truly anything at all?"
"Now that I know that it's there I might be able to find it when I map your memory models. Unfortunately we only have time to do one of us this trip."
"So even if you find evidence of some kind of tampering, can it really tell us anything of importance?"
"Maybe I can figure out when this was done to us and with an approximate time frame we can figure out who did it to us. Maybe I can even figure out what has been blocked."
"I don't know. Maybe it's best if we leave this one alone."
"Don't be ridiculous. We have to know if something's been done to us or not."
For some reason I wanted to ask her what ridiculous meant, even though I knew its meaning.
With that, my fate was sealed. There was no talking Stephanie out of doing her next phase of research on me. The very next day she set about trying to solve the mystery with me as her test subject. I won't bore you with the details. It was a long process and I had some kind of special IV that helped the process. I was in the chair for almost two days while I was constantly bombarded with sounds, feelings, smells and images so the pathways in my brain associated with those memories and sensations could be mapped.
After that my part was done. Stephanie practically stayed in the lab at that point. Well so did I a fair bit of the time. The only time I left the lab was when I wasn't in my Tamara sim, attending to my bodily needs or when I went outside for a walk, where the sim couldn't simulate. If I didn't put food down beside Stephanie I don't think she'd have eaten more than a few energy bars a day. At least I managed to get some decent food and fluids into her. She barely slept and when she wasn't having a cat nap on her stool she was working hard at the task at hand. I don't know how she did it with so little sleep.
I was lonely and bored without her. My only consolation at this point in time was being myself most of the time. I detested the idea of going back to meat space and my male body. I just wished Stephanie was in here to keep me company.
I was asleep one night a couple of days before this trip was scheduled to be over, when I felt someone get into my bed. I rolled over.
"I'm sorry, Hon, I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."
In the dim night illumination of the room I could see the woman I loved. I missed her so much. I needed her so bad. I tried my best to get her interested in me.
"I'm sorry but I'm dead tired. I really need some sleep. Maybe after I've had a long sleep we can try."
I rolled over and felt her cuddle up behind me and within moments I could tell she was asleep. I had turned away from her so she wouldn't see my silent tears. I knew what she meant by try, she still didn't know if she could make love to me in this feminized version of my male body.
Eventually the sun came up in the real world and in the sim world. Unfortunately I needed to take care of some meat space needs. I tried to rouse her but she just told me she needed more sleep and pulled the sheet over her head to block out the daylight. I'm not even sure she actually woke up to tell me that. I adjusted the sim to give her night time darkness again.
Two more times I came back to her in my bed and tried to wake her for meals. Each time getting a similar result. In all I think she slept about fifteen hours before she finally got out of bed. Thankfully it was just before meat space dinner time so I made her a large meal to make up for the lack of proper meals.
"You know if I didn't need to go to the bathroom as bad as I did, I'd still be sleeping now." she said. "I still feel like I could use another full night's sleep."
"Well I for one am not surprised. You ran yourself ragged there. You needed to take real breaks, not what you were doing. I hope it was all worth it."
She shrugged her shoulders since her mouth was full of food.
"Did you find out anything?" I asked.
She nodded her head and I had to wait until she swallowed.
"Something was done to you when you were approximately three to five years old."
"Do you mean for two years someone did something to me or is that just a rough age guess?"
"Sorry, it's a rough age guess. All I can really tell is something was done to you somewhere between those ages. I still can't figure out what was done though. Your memories from that time should be unclear given your age, but yours are missing, at least specific areas of memory. Actually that's not quite true either. It's like they're there but you can't access them at all. They're blocked somehow. Even with my scanner I can't seem to get past the block and stimulate those areas of memory. Whatever was done to you was very sophisticated and beyond even what I'm capable of."
"I thought you were the only one remotely capable of something like this?"
"It seems I was wrong. I can change memories, I can add or erase them, but I can't leave them intact and completely isolate them. It really troubles me to know someone way back then was capable of doing something like this. If the government has this technology there's no way anyone can trust their own memories."
"I don't think that's likely, because the government is still using their modified version of your first implant to control people."
"I don't know, Tamara. None of this is making any sense. Why would someone want to mess with a small child's memories? Especially an average kid from an average family in a small town community. It's not like it happened again. That was the only trace of tampering I could find."
"What about mapping your memories?"
"We don't have time, Hon. We have to be out of here tomorrow morning at the latest if we are to go back to our regular lives. Besides I'm not sure that what we were both experiencing earlier is connected. What was done to you happened when you were a small child, living in your hometown. At that age I was still living in the city. I don't see how those two events could possibly be tied together."
Her saying Hon to me sent a delicious little shiver through me. I noticed periodically even out here in the real world those terms were creeping into her vocabulary.
"Well, when I get back I'm moving out of my hometown. It's too dangerous for me to stay there."
"Why? What happened?"
I proceeded to tell her about my latest experiences and the threats made to the local police and their families and the fact that I'd decided the city might be a safer place for me to be and safer for those around me.
"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"
"Because I wanted us to have as good a time as possible and leave this news until just before we left."
"Well I agree with you about leaving being the best thing for those police officers and their families. I'm not sure the city will offer you any more protection from these people though. Being an unknown person new to a city means they can more easily make you disappear or grab you and implant you. Hardly anyone would notice your disappearance, maybe your landlord when you didn't pay your rent, but in your town where everyone knows you, you'd be missed in a day or two. Definitely your employer would notice, but who else do you know and keep in regular touch with in the city?"
"Shit! I hadn't thought of that. There's no one really. I've been mostly a loner all of my life so there has really been few people in my life besides you that I could call a close friend. I guess it doesn't matter though because I don't want those officers or their families threatened because of me."
We both sat silently thinking about the situation I was now in. It wasn't a good one to be sure.
"Tamara, move in with me."
"I'm serious, we could keep an eye on each other, watch for unusual behaviour."
"Stephanie, you live half way across the country and my job is in the city. I make a fair bit of money but not enough to justify the cost of flying in every few weeks for team meetings."
"I'll pay for the flights, so don't worry about that. I'd just feel better knowing you're safe, or as safe as you can be with me."
"I couldn't ask you to pay for my flights."
She gave me that look she gave me oh so long ago. I knew if I tried I'd lose this argument.
"Well you can pay for your flights quite easily if you think about it."
"Oh, and how would I do that?"
"Well you won't be paying for rent, utilities or food."
"I'm going to pay my fair share of whatever costs you have. At least give me that much dignity."
"I own my own home. As for paying for your fair share? Well since you work mainly from home you can keep up the place a bit for me. That way I won't have to pay as much for the cleaning service. They currently come in twice a week; with you there doing the basics I could have them in once a month for a big cleanup. Also I usually eat out, it would do me a lot of good to have home cooked meals for a change, not to mention much cheaper. With you living with me and doing just those few things it'd save me a lot of money. More than what you would be paying for your fair share as you put it."
I knew I was defeated yet again. She was right of course I did most of my work from home and I was a tidy person so I'd be cleaning up automatically, even if the cleaning service came in twice a week. I also usually cooked my own meals and only went out for an expensive meal once in a while as a treat to myself.
"Okay you win."
"I didn't win, you just realized I was right." she said this and stuck her tongue out at me.
I got a shiver looking at her tongue. I wanted it in my mouth. I wanted to be locked in a passionate kiss that would curl my toes. Sadly we were in meat space and that was unlikely to happen out here.
"I still have a ton of stuff to do before I leave town. I should also tell my folks about me."
"Do you want me with you when you tell them?"
I thought about that for a moment. I didn't think it would go down so well with my father, he more than my mother, was wanting grand children to carry on his family name. Since I was hopelessly in love with Stephanie that wasn't likely to ever happen unless she wanted children and wanted me to be the sperm donor. I'd have to ask her about that. I'd have to save some samples for her soon because my hormonal transition would quickly make me sterile.
I didn't know how my mother would take it. I know she had wanted a daughter. Unfortunately for my parents she had complications during her pregnancy with me and the doctors told her she would not survive another pregnancy. She was in the hospital for a month after I went home while they struggled to keep her alive.
I guess I was allowing myself to get sidetracked. Did I want Stephanie there with me? She gave me strength when I needed it. I'm not sure how I would handle things if my parents didn't take it well. With her there I would be safe no matter what.
"Would you come with me?"
"If that's what you want, I'll be there for you. If you want to do it by yourself that's fine too, I can wait for you at your apartment or in the car?"
"I'd like you there with me. I'm not sure how they're going to take it. My dad especially. I'm not sure I could tell them, well mainly him, without your support." Something was making me really apprehensive about telling my father that his son was about to become his daughter.
Hours later we were still discussing things we'd have to do and how we'd do them. It was getting late and we'd have to leave here early in the morning. I still had something I wanted to try on Stephanie before we left.
"Can we sleep in the sim again tonight?" I asked her. I think she could sense that I wanted to do more than sleep in there.
"We can, but I'm still not sure I can do anything with your feminized sim body."
"If you can't, well, that's okay. I still like cuddling up to you as myself though. It feels better when I'm in my female body."
"We've never really cuddled like that out here."
"I know, but the real world physical contact we've had, I guess on reflection, has never felt quite right. Something wasn't right or was missing."
We met at the lab door about ten minutes later and soon settled into the sim couches in the lab. Within moments we were in Stephanie's bedroom.
"I'll be right back." I said.
I ran to my room and put on a little wispy teddy and panties that I'd stolen from the Kim sim's closet and stored in a drawer there. Well I guess copied would be more the correct term. I also gave myself a light spritz of a scent I knew Stephanie loved, again borrowed from the Kim sim. I looked at myself in my mirror and thought this is as good as I'm going to get.
I made my way back to Stephanie's room and discovered she'd turned off the lights. There was only the faint night glow filling the room, leaving just enough light to safely navigate the room. Damn there goes half the effect, my little teddy was wasted in the near dark. I slipped into the bed beside her and got comfortable. I hoped the scent emanating from my body would get her attention.
"Tamara, I don't know if I can. I want to....with all of my heart, but I still see your body as male. Maybe if I'd never known you as Todd?"
"The lights are off, so you really can't see me properly. So the masculine is mostly only in your own mind at the moment. Besides, I've added a few toys to your room. Such as these." I reached behind me and pulled up the wrist cuffs secured to the bed.
"Also in the drawer beside me are some of your other toys. Please Hon, I need you so bad. I at least need you to try. If you can't I'll accept it."
I put both my arms over my head near the restraints. Even in the dim light I could still see a look in her eyes, she was so tempted to give it a try.
"Please Hon, try for me."
She reached above me and secured my wrists. She loved being in charge, she loved to dominate, especially when it came to sex. I loved her dominating me, it always made me feel more like a woman. I didn't have to try and be a guy or try to be the one in charge. I was never any good at being in charge. Even the few girlfriends I'd had sex with they ended up having to take charge so it wasn't just with Stephanie I felt like this.
"Have your way with me my beautiful Amazon goddess."
Just saying that got me excited. Not being intimate with her these last few days was driving me crazy with need.
Despite her misgivings I knew she was getting turned on. I knew she had a high sex drive so she must have been feeling it worse than me and I knew she hadn't used any of the other female sims for sex for most of this trip.
"I'm helpless, Hon. You can do anything you want to me." I'd said this in my best girl's voice and made sure it was as sexy and needy as possible.
I could hear her breathing. She was getting turned on despite her misgivings about my modified body.
"I....I don't know."
"Shh, Hon. I'm all yours and only yours. Your girl to do with as you please. Be gentle with me I'm a virgin." Well this sim body was at least.
I could sense she was losing the battle quickly. Her own physical need, our love for each other, driving her onward. I felt her hand tickle down my arm from where it had stayed after securing my wrist. I think my shivers from her touch only aroused her more. Her fingers tickled across my right breast. My body involuntarily arched toward her touch. I felt my nipples get hard as they ached for her touch.
"Oh god, you are making me so hot."
Her face loomed over me in the dark. I wanted her tongue to dominate me, to own my mouth. I moaned at the thought of some of the kisses we'd shared here in these sims. My own arousal was filling the air around us and I could now smell Stephanie's mingling with my own.
Her hand moved to my other breast tickling it through my flimsy teddy. Her finger brushed against my hardened nipple, causing me to moan and shiver at the same time. Her face looming ever closer to mine, her mouth open ever so slightly.
"Close your eyes and make me your woman."
Her eyes closed and she closed the remaining distance between us. She kissed me lightly at first, but the urgency, the animal passion came through very quickly. My moans of delight as she took my mouth with her tongue only aroused her more. She quickly straddled me firmly pinning me to the bed. Her kisses slowly left my mouth and made their way to my neck. Shivers ran through my body as her lips gently lit up my nerve endings one by one.
Eventually she made her way down to my left breast and licked at my nipple through the teddy. I tried to arch my back to thrust my breast into her mouth, but her weight and the restraints held me firmly in place. She nipped lightly at my nipple making me shriek in surprised delight. I struggled to get my breast closer to her.
"You like that don't you, Hon."
"Oh god, yes!" I practically screamed.
She played with my nipple some more and then sucked on it gently. 'Just a bit harder, please, please!' I thought. Her sucking became it bit more intense and she was rewarded with my surprise.
"What the fuck?....Chocolate milk!"
"A surprise I dreamt up just for you my love. Enjoy it."
My attempts to get her attention the other day and what I'd said, prompted me to make my words real, well real in a sim. My breast when suckled hard enough would give off a sweet chocolate milk taste. She continued suckling my nipple for a few more minutes. I was crazy with desire and need by this point. She switched to my other breast and repeated the process from there. Only to get another surprise.
"My you're a devious one."
When she suckled this breast hard enough she got a nice thick, cold strawberry milkshake. Of course my breast felt normal, it's not like the breast was freezing cold, but the computer was instructed to provide that taste and sensation when my right breast was suckled on. I'd thought about a bunch of other flavours I could try and had programmed in but these were the only two that were active at the moment.
She suckled on my breast filling her mouth with the strawberry milkshake and came up and kissed me sharing my treat with me. There was no hope that meat space sex could ever be as good as this. I was right, with Stephanie's interface in everyone's head in no time people would give up real world sex and only have sex in a sim. The possibilities were only limited by one's imagination.
Well now you know what my surprise was. The rest of our lovemaking will remain private. Despite her uncertainty when we started I know she was very pleased with the results. I know I definitely was.
A Little Family Chat
When I came to I was in my apartment and Stephanie was sitting in a chair near my bed. She came over to me and gave me a chaste kiss on my lips, much to my disappointment. Still, it was a kiss on the lips and not just my cheek.
"Welcome home, Love."
The next couple of days were a blur. I had to get moving boxes delivered and arrange for a long distance movers to show up to pick up my stuff on my last day there. I only left a few changes of male clothes which I had packed in a suitcase, the rest would go to a charity. I sold my car because Stephanie already had a couple and I could drive whichever one she wasn't in the mood to drive that day. In three days everything was ready for the movers.
I gave my neighbours a wave and told them to go back to their wives or girlfriends. I explained to them that the team watching Stephanie would be doing all the work from now on.
The last thing we had to do in town was to see my parents and they were expecting us, well me at any rate, or rather Todd. I hadn't told them about Stephanie yet for some reason. They still didn't know she was a lesbian or just how close we had been for all these years.
Despite everything I still wasn't quite sure exactly how I was going to break it to them. I hadn't even told them I was leaving town and moving in with Stephanie. It's funny despite living in a relatively small town I only ever saw or spoke to my parents about once a month now. My life had slowly been moving further and further away from them and it looked like it was about to take a giant leap further.
With huge butterflies in my stomach we pulled up in front of my parents' house. Stephanie quickly got out and before I got my nerves in place she had my car door open. She's such a gentleman.
"Are you sure you want to do this now? You look like you're about to have a stroke."
"Is that your medical opinion?"
"No silly, you just look so stressed out by this, maybe we should do it another time."
"No, delaying it will only make it harder. It's better doing it now."
We walked to the door and I wondered if I would ever be as graceful in such high heels as she was. I definitely wanted to try. Maybe I could get Marcus to teach me the martial arts like he did with Stephanie.
When I got to the door I knocked, even though I still had keys and I knew my parents rarely locked the doors during the day while they were home. Despite this being my home for most of my life it now no longer felt that way. The butterflies in my stomach were flying around at hypersonic speeds now.
"Calm down, Hon. It'll be okay."
The door opened and my mother greeted us. "Todd, why didn't you just come....Oh, hello Stephanie, it's wonderful to see you again. This is an unexpected surprise."
My mother gave the two of us a hug and ushered us into the house.
"Your father had to run down the street for a few minutes and give Dan a hand moving a bookcase. He should be right back. So what brings you to town, Stephanie?" The look she gave us said she suspected this was more than a social visit.
"Well, T..odd and I were on vacation together and he asked me to give him a hand with a few things. I couldn't come to town without stopping by and saying hello to you and your husband." She had almost called me Tamara.
"Well that's very nice of you. But I'm sure the both of you have something more you want to talk to us about."
Damn my mother was sharp. Too sharp. Or maybe we were too obvious.
"Mum, we'll wait until Dad gets back to tell you the rest." I could see an aha look in my mother's eyes.
The next half hour was somewhat strained small talk. Eventually my father got back and the tension climbed exponentially.
"Well now that you're both here I have a couple of things I need to tell you." I took a deep breath. "Something's come up and I need to leave town."
"You aren't in any kind of trouble are you?" my mother asked with genuine concern and hitting too close to the mark.
I could see a smirk on my father's face as he glanced at Stephanie's belly. Figures! He thinks I've got her pregnant. He has no idea just how wrong he is.
"No, nothing like that. But I decided it would be best if I moved to the city. When Stephanie heard this she offered to let me live at her place. She's got lots of room and with the money I save on not having to pay any rent and most other expenses I can afford to fly to my job in the city the couple of times a month I'm required to be in the office. Actually I'd be helping cut down on her expenses by staying with her so it really works out the best for the both of us. Here's the address and additional contact information." I handed a piece of paper with the details to my mother.
"So does this mean you two are officially a couple?" my father asked still thinking along the same lines as before.
I swallowed hard. Stephanie gave me hand a reassuring squeeze. The moment had finally come.
"Well that's a hard one to answer. It's actually a bit complicated. Yes, the two of us are in love with each other. We have been for a very long time; since high school. The problem is Stephanie is a lesbian."
My father looked like he didn't believe a word. A woman as beautiful as she was couldn't be a lesbian in most men's minds. Hell, I'd even fallen into that chauvinistic trap myself. My mother didn't look quite as shocked as I would have expected. I guess she had her own suspicions before now.
"It's true, when T.odd and I first became friends I wasn't attracted to either sex. Eventually despite my love for h.im I learnt that I could only be with another woman. I didn't have the courage to tell him until he proposed to me right after the prom." She took the ring and chain out of her blouse and showed to my parents it as proof of what we had said.
"As crazy as it sounds we do love each other and neither of us has been able to fully enjoy a relationship with anyone else. Yet we can't be together because I'm repulsed by the idea of physical intimacy with a man."
I continued again, "We still spend as much time as we can together because we love each other's company and we miss each other when we're apart.
"Recently I made a personal discovery that has quite frankly shocked us both. It took me a long time to come to grips with it and even longer before I could tell Stephanie."
I felt another firm but gentle squeeze on my hand. "It took her a while to accept it and we're still not sure what it will eventually mean for our relationship. The important thing to understand is that even if she couldn't accept it, that it wouldn't change a thing. Now I need to tell you both before we leave town." I paused for another breath or two to steel my nerves.
"Come on, Son, out with it. You're talking like a politician, you've said a lot without saying a blessed thing." my father fumed.
"Mum, Dad, this will be a bit of a shock to you both," another deep breath as both of my parents impatiently waited for me to continue, "but I'm really a woman in my heart and soul and I'm going to change my sex. As I said even if Stephanie can't accept me as a post operative woman I'd still be doing this. I'm doing this for me and me alone, this has nothing to do with my feelings for Stephanie. I can't take living as a male anymore. From now on please call me Tamara."
There was a look of total shock on both my parents' faces when I said the name. My mother turned white as a ghost and my father looked like he was nearly apoplectic.
I probably could have come up with a better way of telling them, but my nerves just caused me to say it in a less than elegant way.
Eventually my father got himself under control and spoke with barely controlled rage, "Todd, I want you to listen to me very carefully. You are a man, you always have been a man and you always will be one. You will forget everything about this stupid dyke and about wanting to be a woman. You will find yourself a decent woman to marry and have children with. Be a man, Todd!"
My head exploded. My hands flew to my temples. I cried out in pain as I stood and promptly fell over. I remember hearing something crash and then I hit the floor, hard. My vision swam as I rolled onto my back. I couldn't see properly; it was like my two eyes were seeing different things at the same time, both completely out of focus. I couldn't keep either eye still as they both seemed to move randomly around, each on a different path. After that I don't really recall what happened, but Stephanie filled me in. Based on what she said I don't think she was exaggerating.
I'll give you Stephanie's account now. I was laying there barely moving, she yelled at my father to get the EMSU and tossed her car keys to my mother for her to get her medical kit from the trunk of her rental car. While they were running around she checked my pulse and made sure I hadn't sustained any injuries in my fall.
My father returned first and she quickly got the kit attached to my arm. "Damn! Her pulse is way too high. So is her blood pressure." She quickly hooked her cell phone up to the unit and started entering commands into the device.
"There that should bring things closer to normal."
About this time my mother arrived back with the kit. An EEG unit was quickly attached to the unit on my arm and Stephanie attached the leads to my skull. A few moments later my brain waves were being displayed on her phone's display.
"Fuck! That dual pattern is back again, worse this time." She watched the reading slowly begin to normalize.
"What the hell did you just do to her?" she said with extreme malice in her voice.
"I was protecting my son from making a very bad decision." my father said defiantly.
"It sounded to me like some kind of post hypnotic suggestion."
"My son occasionally needs help being the man I want him to be."
"Your daughter doesn't want to be a man. She wants to be herself."
My father didn't know about her anger, her strength or her martial arts skills. Apparently at this point she grabbed him by the throat and slammed him hard against a wall.
"Listen here you little shit. Someone messed with her mind when she was very young. That's what's causing these attacks. The conditioning is breaking down. Her real personality, her real self, is slowly coming out now. Now tell me who did this to her so I can have that fucked up piece of shit doctor thrown away for the rest of their worthless life. If you two cooperate maybe you won't be in jail as long as that doctor will be."
"I, I don't know. I can't remember. It was so long ago." my father rasped.
"One of you had better tell me right this second or I'll crush his windpipe."
My mother piped up at this point. "We don't know. Neither of us can remember who did it. We even looked at our bank statements and no payment was ever taken for the service. There wasn't even any large cash withdrawals to pay for the service. We both think we were made to forget who the doctor was. All we can tell you was that it was someone practising in the city at that time, when we lived there."
"When was it done?" she squeezed a bit tighter on my father's throat as he was beginning to lose consciousness.
"I don't know. I can't remember. When, Tamara, was three, maybe four, I'm not absolutely sure. I can't remember anything particular about that time. It's like it's all a fuzzy blur."
Stephanie released my father and he dropped to the floor gasping for breath. My mother rushed over to him to see if he was okay.
While my mother was caring for my father, Stephanie came over to see how I was doing. She found my readings were almost back to normal. At this point she decided that an ambulance wasn't needed.
"This is, Doctor Stephanie Carson, ID X2M-3611742. Please cancel the ambulance dispatched for this unit. Yes, I know the readings are unusual, but they're returning to normal. Yes, the patient has had one or more of these episodes recently, this one being the most severe. I think I've identified the cause, breakdown of a deep post hypnotic suggestion. The cause this time was the patient's father attempt to induce a post hypnotic command which brought on the episode. Yes, I do intend to file a full medical report. Yes, I believe this does warrant police involvement, what was done to my patient was also illegal at the time it was originally done. No I don't have that information, the parents claim they were made to forget who the doctor was. Thank you."
"She was a girl. All of the tests, everything said she was a girl. You killed our daughter to have the son you wanted. You stupid fool." my mother sobbed.
"Your daughter isn't dead. Whoever did this really knew what they were doing. She's in there and eventually she's going to break out of there and be free. Todd is the one who's going to die, but then he was only a father's selfish fantasy, never real anyway....Hold it you said she was a girl, but she's a fully functional male?"
"Tamara was born inter-sexed. She had fully formed male and female reproductive organs. Her female organs were removed and she was made to forget she was a girl and to believe she was a boy."
"Shut up don't say anything more." my father croaked having recovered enough to speak. "I'll have you arrested for what you've done to Todd, to me. Attacking both of us. I'll have a restraining order to keep you as far away from him and us as possible."
"I think she's an adult now and since she is completely in control of her own faculties it's her decision if I'm in her life or not. Not unless you want to prove otherwise by showing she's under your control. Which by the way would just prove you broke the law all those years ago by brain washing her to be a boy. So unless she asks me to leave her life I have no intention of leaving. I'll also tell you this; I have medical proof that someone tampered with her mind when she was a young child. Based on what you've both said, you've implicated yourselves in that crime. Don't forget that unit over there, once it's activated, also records every word spoken in case it's needed for legal action. A copy of which is being sent to the hospital as we speak and my phone is also keeping a copy."
"Which means I can have you arrested for assault. You admitted as much yourself." my father said hope of regaining the upper hand.
"Oh you mean that little bit or a red mark you have on your throat and your hoarse voice. I'm a doctor and I know how not to do any real damage. I doubt you'll even bruise. Besides I was protecting someone I love from someone who assaulted her by trying to use illegal mind control on her. Extenuating circumstances don't you think?" That seemed to take the bravado out of my father.
She went back over to them and lowered her voice to a whisper. "If either of you try anything, and I do mean anything, to hurt her ever again I'll make you suffer horribly. I love her and I will do everything in my power to protect her and keep her safe. You've both done enough harm to her already. Stealing her childhood, her sex from her. How can either of you say you love her or have her best interests at heart.
"When I thought she wanted to change her sex just so we could be together I tried to talk her out of it. As much as I love her and want to be with her if it isn't what she wants and it isn't in her best interests I don't want it. You, all you thought of was your fucking desire for a son. Where was she in all of that? You both make me sick. You both deserve to go to hell for what you did to her or allowed to happen to her."
"I'm warning you stay away from my son."
"You still don't seem to grasp reality. Whoever did this to her only hid her female side, locked it away in her brain. That conditioning has been slowly breaking down for years. Her true self is coming out of her now, bit by bit. It's only a matter of time before she is completely free. There's nothing you can legally do to prevent that from happening. The only question is will she still be the same person we know or will she become someone none of us knows."
It was at about this point that I came back to nearly full consciousness again and started to groan. Stephanie appeared in my view and then checked my readings again.
"Are you okay, Tamara?"
"No, I have a killer headache. It happened again didn't it? It was much worse this time wasn't it?"
"Yes, but your readings are getting back to normal now. Do you remember what happened?"
"My father said something to me and it was like nails were suddenly being driven in through my temples."
"Do you know what he said to you?"
"Yes. I can still hear his words echoing inside my head, but they get weaker every time. I'm doing what I did when I was sitting on that rock just after I told you about myself. When the voice, his voice, kept telling me to be a man. I'm telling the voice to piss off and die.
"Do I still need this thing attached to me?"
"Maybe for a few more minutes. Just lay still until everything returns to normal."
I just nodded and settled back. As I did I caught movement behind Stephanie. I saw my father swinging a fire poker at her. Fortunately she had seen a refection on the display on the unit on my arm and rolled over top of me and to the other side of me before his blow could hit her. It took a huge gouge out of the hardwood floor, barely a couple of centimetres away from me; much closer and it would have ripped a hole in me. Unfortunately for her she was now on her back and couldn't get up or move out of the way of the next blow in time. This time she blocked it with the bottom of her boot and the stiletto heel broke off, the deflected blow tore a hole in the fabric of the couch. She kicked out with her other foot and caught the hand holding the poker between her boot heel and the sole of the boot, she twisted her leg sharply and the sound of bones snapping could be heard. My Father's bellow of pain made it clear that it was his bones breaking and not hers. Her other foot came back up and kicked him in the stomach sending him flying backwards. A half second later she was on her feet in an uneven combat crouch, however this time my father wasn't getting up to fight. He was wheezing trying to get air back into his lungs and nursing his broken wrist. Her combat stance eased when she realized he no longer posed any threat to either of us.
"Never underestimate a woman's ability to defend herself. And you call yourself a man sneaking up behind me and attempting to kill me. Some man you are."
"You bitch. I'll kill you when I get my hands on you."
"Whatever." she said dismissively. "I think you will have a lot bigger problems than me to worry about for the next few months or years."
With that she walked over to the phone and dialled. "Yes we need an ambulance at this location, not an emergency roll out since it's most likely a broken wrist. We will also need the police. I'm going to file attempted murder charges against the homeowner, Mr. James Bronson. There's likely to be more charges against him."
She hung up the phone, "Now we wait. Mrs. Bronson, you'd better get some ice for his wrist, it'll keep the swelling down." My mother in a zombie like state went into the kitchen to get the ice for my father.
"Stephanie, can I get this thing off me now?"
She came over and looked at the readouts. "Your pulse rate is a bit high again."
"That's because my father just tried to kill you. Besides I'm getting sore laying on the hardwood floor."
"Okay, I'll release you." She deactivated the unit and disconnected it from my arm, collected her portable EEG unit and her cell phone.
I got up and rubbed my arm and back. "We need to talk." I whispered to her. We went to the other side of the room as far away from my father and mother as possible.
"You can't give them your medical evidence."
"Stephanie, all of your evidence is from modified medical equipment or your own unique devices, devices that don't legally exist and will require you to turn it all over for examination and certification."
"Shit! I was so angry I didn't even think of that. I hope enough was recorded by the EMSU to put your father away. There should be enough evidence here to have him convicted of attempted murder."
We went back over to the couch and waited for the police to show up. My father had recovered enough that he was able to think past the pain.
"Todd, I want you to listen very carefully to me."
"Don't even bother Dad, I won't work anymore. I now remember every little bit of my life that you stole from me with that little control phrase of yours. Eventually I will even break the blocks on those behaviours too, instead of just remembering what you did to me, what you stole from me. Even now I can feel them crumbling.
"That you are even my father disgusts me. I hope they throw you in prison and lose the key. You deserve whatever is coming to you."
"Todd, listen to me."
"Fuck you! The only thing we have to say to each other from now on will be through our lawyers in court. After that I hope I never see you again." I stormed out of the house so I would no longer have to see him or listen to him.
Four hours later we were still in the local police station. We'd give statements both separately and jointly. We asked when we could leave but we were told we had to wait a while longer.
While we were there my neighbours showed up with a couple of even creepier government goon types. Some kind of badge was flashed to the officer, which made him angry and scared shitless simultaneously. After that he went to the computer and made copies of all of the digital evidence and handed it over the goons. My neighbours both smirked at us on their way out. We both realized that Stephanie's time, our time, was nearly up.
Eventually we were allowed to leave town the next day and headed for Stephanie's home.
End of Part 3
In Part 4 forces known and forces previously unrecognized come into play. The race is on, the stakes are far bigger than Tamara and Stephanie know. Will they and their love survive what is about to befall them?
Thank you for taking the time to read the third part of my story. Constructive feedback is always appreciated. All rights to this work are reserved by me.
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