This is my personal story of how I became who I am today. Please don’t read if you don’t want to hate me later.
It started when I was six, I went to this daycare center in a woman’s house. I was older than the other kids so I got to stay in the basement play room that was set up for older kids.
It had its own bathroom and refrigerator, it was set up as a place for teenagers and other kids who had to get on and off the bus at her house because the buses didn’t come near their houses.
There was board games and a play station even computer games.
It was summer and I was there while my mom and dad were at work, I was the only bigger kid there because all the other kids just stayed at their own houses during summer.
It all started when I was down there by myself one day, I was playing Spyro (a play station one game) I had been playing for a while and got tired of it.
I got up and looked around and noticed a box that said to good will on it, I looked in the box and it was full of clothes, girl's clothes at that.
I don’t know why I did it but it happened, I wondered what it would be like to wear some of them.
I pulled out a yellow skirt, white and yellow blouse like shirt and, there wasn’t any underwear, I took the clothes to the little bathroom and locked the door, I had longish hair almost down to my shoulders and there was a comb in there on the counter.
I combed my hair like I saw my mom do my older sisters and then I got dressed, I still looked like myself but I just looked like a girl version. I loved it and from that moment on I was hooked, I loved how I looked in the clothes and by the end of the week I had tried on all of them that were in the box.
I actually started having dreams where I was a girl and I knew I wanted to be one, it wasn’t just the clothes but I would watch how girls were treated and allowed to act.
They could let any of their emotions out and that was fine, they could cry, cut up, act goofy, and be themselves and they weren’t scolded for it.
I remember how different my dad treated my sisters then me, if my sister fell and got hurt she would get a hug and a kiss to make her feel better, when I got hurt I was told to just suck it up and be a man.
My sisters where a lot closer to my mom than I was and in some ways they were closer to my dad too.
I was jealous and I felt down all the time, every time my sisters would go to the mall to shop for clothes or get their hair done I would wish I could trade places with them just for a day.
I continued dressing in my sister's old clothes In secret for years, when I turned twelve we finally got dial up internet at our house.
At that time I knew I was the only boy in the world who felt like I did, but one day I decided to type in (boys who want to be girls) and I was shocked at what I found.
I realized that I wasn’t alone, then I found links to sites that explained how to become a girl like I wanted.
I was so happy that I had found a way to make my dream come true, but I didn’t know what my parents would think so I decided to test my dad.
One day I was riding in his truck and we were talking when I said.
“Hey dad I saw the weirdest show the other day on TV(This was a lie of course) I said that I saw the doctor Phil show and there was a boy who wanted to be a girl on it.
Now before I go any further, I love my mom and dad to death, they have always loved me and have been there for me when I did need them.
My dad is a very good man, he would do anything for anyone and never whipped my ass unless I did something to deserve it.
My parents are good people but when they grew up boys were boys and girls were girls so please don’t think they're bad people cause I do love them.
Well my dad chuckled and said some people are just messed up in the head, I jokingly asked what he would think if I was like that.
He laughed and said he would give me the worst whipping of my life then send me to a military school to let them beat it out of me because it’s not right to be like that he said.
I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, I knew that It wasn’t right for a boy to be like I was and I didn’t want my parents to hate me.
So I decided to deny the feelings I had, that was the worst thing I have ever done and I have wished a thousand times that I had had the guts to tell my folks about me.
But instead I became a bigot, I thought that if I turned those feelings into rage and hate I could suppress them, I was a fool.
So I cut off my long hair and started doing the manliest things I could, I wanted to play football but on top of not knowing anything about it I had back problems so I had to get into things like shooting sports and working on neighboring farms.
I have been to many chat rooms and said many things I regret, if glen24567 means anything to you I am truly from the deepest part of my heart sorry and I hope you can forgive me.
I was lost and scared when I said all those awful things and a lot of them sound like I have no heart. Which isn’t true I was just hiding my true self is all.
But I have changed, my dad pulled me to the side one day and confronted me about my hatred for the LGBT people.
I didn’t tell him the truth but he got me thinking when he told me that he and my mom didn’t raise me to hate other people.
Even though they were telling me to be more tolerant towards others I was still terrified about what they would say or do about the feelings that were ripping me apart inside almost driving me to something I cant talk about right now but it involved a gun.
It was a few days later and I had been thinking about what my dad had told me, I was thinking about it when I crossed the train tracks, the crossing had the flashing lights but not the arms and I wasn’t paying attention.
I had barely crossed it when I felt a thud, I looked in my mirror and saw a wall of steal rolling by, the thud was when the train hitting my tailgate which was down on the ground behind the truck.
I had to pull my truck over I was shocked, if I would have been just two seconds late I would not have been able to write this.
I pulled off the road and turned the radio off and sat there shaking all over.
I sat there for almost an two hours looking back on my life, and that’s when it hit me that I needed to change my ways.
I needed to stop fighting the true me and let her out and I have.
I cried for the first time in years that night and it felt great, and I am proud to say that I haven’t been a bigot since.
Now I know a lot of you don’t believe in a higher power and that’s you and I wont judge you, I am past that screwed up part of my life,
I don’t want to sound like I am preaching but I do believe in God and I know for a fact that most of the people who try to shove their God hates you because your different stuff down your throat are wrong.
I also know that if it wasn’t for him I probably would have given up a long time ago and I might have even given myself lead poising if you know what I mean.
I have learned that God hate’s no one only people hate, I learned the hard way that God doesn’t want me to judge someone, and in doing so I most likely cost myself a lot of good friends in the process of realizing that.
It has taken me a while to finally get to this point in my life, I still haven’t told my folks about me and I’m waiting till next year when I have moved into my own place and started HRT before I do.
I am sorry if I hurt anyone with the things I said back then, I hate that I even did it.
If you can't forgive me then rant all you want I won't stop you, and if you can find it in your heart thank you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I would like to start HRT but I haven’t for the life of me been able to find any TG friendly doctors that aren't a few hundred miles away from where I live.
If anyone knows of any doctors near Pontotoc Mississippi please help me. I would be so grateful for the help, I know you people are more then likely hating my guts now that my past is all out there in the open but before you stop reading my stories and I get kicked off of this site please help me with this.
With love from your sister in sprit, Kayla Gwenith, well I can't tell you my last name now can I. :)
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudo!
Click the Good Story! button above to leave the author a kudo:
And please, remember to comment, too! Thanks.
Kayla
If anyone hates your guts for what you wrote here, or for any reason... they are wrong. Your story is not so much different from so many of ours. Going into denial, even joining in the other bigots, is very common. I doubt very much if anyone here is or has been a saint. I'm happy for you that you didn't get "lead poisoning" or 2 seconds later to the train tracks. I wish you all the best, keep the light at the end of the tunnel (not a train tunnel!!) in sight and if anyone hates you for this or anything else, tell them to *******. :D
Don't beat yourself up over it.
What's in the past is in the past, the important thing is that you don't hate anymore and know it was wrong.
I hope you'll find a doctor who will help you and that you'll find the courage to tell your parents.
grtz & hugs,
Sarah xxx
ps: Maybe check the side of laura's playground. I know they have a list of gendertherapists on their site for different parts of America. Good luck!
Why would anyone hate you?
Girl, you are gonna have to do a lot worse than that before I would hate you, silly. I hope someone is more familiar with the South than I am.
Constantin, Lydia R.N., L.C.S.W.
Gulfport, MS.
Phone: (228) 822-0800
The above is the only therapist I can see for Mississippi.
My heart goes out to you. You might want to prepare yourself for a move because I don't see many posibilities where you are. Don't give up, something will work out. I'm praying for you.
Gwendolyn
My true story, Please don't hate me after reading.
I f we were in the same room, I would offer to hug you. Please think about making this story into a more detailed story, that way, you'd be getting oodles of kudos
May Your Light Forever Shine
Self-acceptance
Is part of growing up, welcome to the adult world where things aren't black and white but shades of grey. Congratulations on dealing with this part of your life, move on now and look forwards, and good luck.
They say God loves a sinner who repenteth, or words to that effect, so maybe you're correct in your assertions.
Angharad.
Angharad
From what you have written ...
Based upon what you've written I doubt that there is a single person on BC who might hate you. i think you will already have seen that all the comments have been suportive and or constructive.
We are in the most part your sisters and I count myself amongst those sisters. I offer you my heartfelt support as have all the others for I don't have to tell you that you have a hard road to travel. Fortunately that road is getting easier but there are occasionally some hiccups and backward developments but in the main the road is getting easier.
If necessary, consider Gwens advice and if it's possible (we all know the financial burdens this presents,)try to move to a more Tee-friendly part of the country, at least for your first interim steps. Take small steps at first, to build up your confidence and improve your patience because it's going to be a long hard road.
I'm sure you'll get where you want to be now because you've already made one of the most important steps in recognizing yourself and realising you're going to have to do something about it.
be positive, be brave.
Love and hugs.
Beverly.
XZXX
At an LGBT Excellence function with the wedding cake we cannot have.
Clap clap clap
That was a very brave thing you did by writing and posting that. It must have terrified you just to post it.
Yes you MAY be a girl or you may be a cross dresser that is in total denial (personally I doubt it but you have to leave the possibility open). It happens. I would suggest talking with a therapist, there is usually one nearby that is lgbt friendly. Take the chance and phone them to find out.
You are NOT alone, You are NOT nuts.
Btw Mothers are not as blind as we may think. I would talk with your mom about it she may surprise you.
Hate you? Do you realize who we are?
This is my favorite website, not just for the main topics, but because these people are the most supportive and loving people I've ever had the pleasure to deal with.
Not to be pushing religion at anyone, but yeah, I believe in God, and I agree with you-I think He occasionally reminds us (sometimes not so gently) that we need to change our ways. It's cool that you listened!
Parents and family can be hard because we want their love first and foremost, and they can hurt you in ways no one else can. I can only hope that what your Dad first said was just a first reaction, and that they can find it in their hearts to love you no matter what.
HUGE hugz!
Wren
Duh?
What's this "hate" bit? We're mostly as good or as bad as you.
It takes time and courage to come to terms with yourself,
Joanne
How painful...
....when growing up and forcing yourself to be something you weren't gave birth to the worst hatred of all; that of self. Being ripped apart inside with almost no one to turn to. Learning the hard way not only to love everyone else but the long long road to finally loving yourself. Still doubting and still living with shame and guilt looking over your shoulder, but finally with the knowledge that they have no place in your precious life. I've been where you've been. The anger toward anyone who remotely represented who I feared I was inside. The self-hatred and shame that finally went away when I realized this is whom I was created to be; and this here...my place here and your place here...is what I was ...what perhaps you were created for. I'm so glad you're here, dear one!
and then you still have to decide what to do. ― C.S. Lewis
Love, Andrea Lena
no hate here hon
I think you're very brave to come forward with this. Hugs.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
*big hugs*
Most of us can probably tell similar tales! Hate you!? Never!
Personally I hated myself more than anyone can possibly know, and by some grace was able to keep it from tainting my treatment of others. However! I can easily understand your behavior, if I'd had the same experiences instead of the ones I did have, I'd probably have done similar. Instead, I walled my true self off even from myself.
As for God giving you a wake up call, I can attest to that. My wake up call was when I was so deep in depression that I nearly stopped waking up.
You're incredibly brave for revealing so much of your history all at once... I wish you the best in your next steps, and hope your parents prove more compassionate than you are expecting.
*more big hugs*
Abigail Drew.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
Thank you all, when i wrote this i was very scared and fought myself to post it, but i guess i beat myself up for nothing uh.
Thanks, your sister Kayla :)
Majorly brainwashed?
I'm just wondering if you have been through some severe stress or trauma recently; been in combat, serious car wreck, messy divorce, unstable home life, financial stress?
My own home life, very early on, convinced me that every time something went wrong, it was my fault. I had like totally major abuse in my childhood, and was married for 40 years in a really abusive and controlling situation. You don't get cured from that right away but it comes slowly.
Considering where you live, I wonder if the churches in your area are like major guilt monger, fire and brimstone folk? My people over the generations migrated accross from Virginia through the south Arkansas and finally California, so I know how them people think. Not very good for you, in your situation.
More pointedly, you might just want to consider living in an area where T folk have some resources. Just something to think about.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
actualy
My preacher is the only one who knows about me, he was born and raised here and is very accpeting like most of the preachers. We have two lesbian couples and one gay man at our church who are are open and accpeted. So dont go by our past or what you hear on tv. The south is more accepting then one might think now days.
Why...
Why would we hate you?
We are all a product of our environment and while I'm a firm believer that it is nature that makes us the way we are nurture... or lack thereof has a key role in forming us... and all other humans into what we end up as. I dare say we all have things we are less than proud of. I know I do, I know for sure I have hurt others to hide my own pain. I was bullied for being the fat kid that cried a lot. I became a bully and inflicted my own hate and anger onto those I could.
Luckily - I suspect - I got kicked out of school and have never thereafter been in a position to let out my baser emotions. And now understand what I was becoming and have changed what I'm becoming - if I survive.
No I don't hate you, I might had you been nasty to me hated you at the time. But I genuinely think that the internet is too ephemeral to generate such feelings from casual interaction. Particularly if the interaction is just a chat room, forum or even MMO. I meet 'twats' everyday in WoW (which it saddens me to admit I play) ;) but I don't hate them I merely label them 'twats' and move on.
There is more to life than to dwell on past deeds. If you hounded people to death or murdered people then my view might change but this isn't the forum to discuss that sort of thing. And like as not I'd still not hate you... my hate now is reserved for one person and even they don't deserve it... I don't think I do... but you can never be sure.
LN
The Legendary Lost Ninja
Kayla, nothing to hate
Hating you would be like hating myself or hating our sisters. we are a sisterhood, but one that all are welcome to join... we cannot judge, for we will be judged also.
Welcome to the journey Kayla... we'll all help and accept any help that you can offer.
Hugs,
Diana
Why would anyone Hate you?
Kayla,
Like almost everyone here you developed protective camouflage. In my case it involved cussing like a sailor and making disparaging remarks about gays when I was with straights. Though I stopped the second part as a very young man because I felt it diminished me.
You have nothing to apologize for other than self preservation, and you mustn't apologize for that!
I think you were very brave to post this and hope more of us will tell our stories in this forum where we find acceptance.
God bless you and keep you,
Ole
Gender Rights are the new civil rights!
.
If you can't beat the bigots, join them. Then beat them when they drop their guard. ;)
BCTS's resident Extravagant Honorable Samurai Cat-MegaTomboy! ;D ...But I do like cuddles from soft but strong arms... ^_^
Had to think before posting.
I'm also from Pontotoc, Ms. Pontotoc I guess would be a great place to live if your "normal" but if your not it can be hell on earth. I guess I should say something about myself so yall will know where Im coming from when I say that. I am a male born that way and identify that way, but when puberty hit my body betrayed me. Im gonna skip what the dr said about it at the time and just say that when a few of the kids in school noticed my life became hell. When I hit the age of 16 I survived my attempted suicide now let me say I actually did try but all I got out of my attempt was ringing ears for a few weeks. I told no one what I did because I did not want to be saved. This is the first time I have ever told anyone what I tried. The remainder of high school I was in more fights than I care to remember some kinda serious most werent but still more than I wanted. I havent attempted again although I still think about committing suicide more often than I should. All Pontotoc has taught me is different isn't a good thing. Find someplace where you can make friends that will support you and don't look back. Someday when Pontotoc isn't a dry county maybe things will be better but for now racism, anti-gay, anti-"normal" anything is rampant here. There has to be somewhere that is better than this hell hole. Life is not worth living if your not happy, do what makes you Happy and tell the bigots to f off. Now I'm gonna go back to lurking after I make one final comment. The stories I have read here are all very good that said EOF write faster lol your cliff hangers are killer.
The idea that God hates you
or anyone else is kust plain wrong. He hates the sin that we do but not us sinners. We are told to carry the sme attitude. At the same time I think some people take criticism or maybe even condemnation of their actions as hatred of them as persons.
Your dad is a hero; I can
Your dad is a hero; I can tell. You can disagree without hating. I can tell this also... if you tell your dad he will be on the internet and in the library and he will become an expert on this issue because it is you.
When I was growing up I suffered from two involuntary responses. I wet the bed... and I held my breath until I would pass out. Everyone thought I was too lazy to get up and go and they thought I held my breath on purpose. They told me so. But, I was only put in the position of embarrasment one time when I was four or five when they put me in diapers for a day as a punishment. Of course it didn't help. Finally they took me the doctor and discovered that I had a bladder 1/4 the size of normal. So they started waking me up twice at night so I could go. Eventually I was waking up on my own to go and that issue was solved.
as for the breathing issue... it was always after some trauma like being punished or scared. Sometimes when it started they would jerk me or scream at me but of course how could that help when it was things like that that triggered it. I was never diagnosed but I have not had an episode since I was in the 4th grade. The closest I ever came to that since then was when I went through the cs chamber during bootcamp. I don't think it was because I grew out of it. I think that when I got scared or punished my throat would open up and my saliva would hit my larnyx and trigger the normal physiological response to prevent someone from drowning. My point is my parents gave me the benefit of the doubt. They could have made my life a living hell (which it was anyway but not because of them).