Life’s Pathways

By Melodie Thomas

Chapter 5 – Discovery and Loss

The morning after the party with the girls I showed up to work as normal and walked past Rick’s, for what has become our morning ritual hello. I grabbed a cup of coffee and taped on his door.

“Morning” I greeted him

Rick looked up from his computer “I am a bit busy right now. I will catch you later”

That was a bit gruff for Rick but, even if we are good friends, he is still one of the bosses here so I wandered back to my desk and went to work. I assumed he would get with me whenever what was bothering him was done. However, the rest of the week went the same way. If I didn’t know better I would have thought Rick was avoiding me. Every time I tried to talk to him he was either too busy or in a hurry to go somewhere and just did not have time to talk. His attitude seemed very gruff all week and I had no idea why. We didn’t go out after work and he never really spoke to me and by the end of the week his behavior was really starting to nag at me.

Friday afternoon of that week I was sitting at my desk trying to finish up a couple of things before the weekend. I felt someone walk up to my cube and looked up to see Rick watching me.

“Hey Rick” I greeted him

Rick seemed to pause for a moment “Hi, I need a favour”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“I need you to introduce me to someone”

“Me?” I was puzzled “I don’t know anyone here that you don’t”

“I think you do in this case” Rick said as he pulled his cell phone out. He played with his phone for a second and handed it to me “Can you introduce me to her?”

I took his cell phone and looked at the picture. My breath hung in my throat and I thought my heart was going to burst out through my chest. The picture on his screen was of Tiffany leaving the Fabric store yesterday when I went to get groceries.

“I would like to take her to dinner tonight at 7:00” Rick continued “I hope she is available for that”

“Rick, I…” I stammered

Rick reached down and took his phone “What is her name, by the way”

“Tiffany” I whispered, looking at the floor.

“Tiffany, nice name. I know where to pick her up. We will be going somewhere nice so tell her to dress for it.” Rick turned as walked way.

I am not sure what I was feeling at that moment. Fear? Panic? Yes, both of those. But fear of what? Fear of Rick? Fear for my Job? Fear of the humiliation? Probably all of them, so what do I do? I basically had two choices, I could introduce Rick to Tiffany or not. What else happens is now really out of my control. The other question that was rolling around my mind was is Tiffany important enough to me to risk all of this? My hair was important enough to risk not getting the job and I got lucky there. How about the rest? Which person was more real to me Tim or Tiffany? I sat there for the better part of an hour trying to figure out if I should run and hide or stand and face. I realized this was one of the decision points in my life where I needed to choose which road to follow. Trying to carry on both illusions was getting harder and harder. Which road did I want to follow? I have already picked enough of them that led me to this point. I looked up at the clock. It was already 5:20 and Tiffany only had an hour and half to be ready. I shut off my computer and headed home.

At 7:03 my doorbell rang and I had just finished putting on my lipstick. Tonight I choose a red hobble dress that showed just a hint of cleavage with matching 4” pumps. I put on a gold necklace and matching dangling earrings. My fingernail polish was just dry but could still be damaged if I was not careful. I had no idea how tonight was going to go but I was going into it with my head up. This is the road I choose; don’t be afraid to walk it now. I opened the door.

Rick was standing outside my door with a perfectly fitting suit and tie and a small bouquet of flowers. The look on his face went from a smile to almost eye popping when he saw me. I don’t know what he was expecting but I don’t think it was what he saw.

“Hello, Rick, please come in” I said with a smile and a forced calm. I was having trouble standing.

“Hi Tiffany” Rick said as he entered “May I say you are unbelievably gorgeous” he had the sound of surprise in his voice.

“Thank you. You are too kind. Are those for me?” I asked indicating the flowers

“Ah… yes, they are” he said handing the vase to me.

“They are beautiful, thank you” as I took them and walked to the kitchen to put them on the table.

The wonderful thing about 4” high heels, no matter who you are, if you are walking in them people will look at your butt because it is wiggling. From the mirror on the wall in my dining room I could see Rick was doing just that. I smiled. I put the flowers on the table and returned to Rick.

“Are we ready?” I asked him

“I ahh, umm..I..” Rick shook his head and sat down on my sofa.

“I’m shocked” Rick finally got out looking at the floor.

“Does that mean you are not taking me to dinner?” I asked as I sat in one of my chairs.

“No, no, I mean yes, I am taking you to dinner” Rick stammered “I just was not expecting this. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this”

“What is ‘this’ Rick, I am not following you” I asked trying to keep my voice soft and calm.

“You” Rick said looking me in the eye.

“Me? I am the same person you have seen almost every day for the last two and half years, I just have a little different outer wrapping”

“No your’e not, Damn it Tim….” Rick started

“Tiffany” I corrected
“Damn it Tiffany, I came here to embarrass you. Instead I find a walking dream and right now my brain is doing flip flops because what my eyes are seeing and my brain is thinking are in total conflict.”

I smiled “I thank you for the compliments, but I was hoping you came to take me to dinner so we could have a chance to talk. I think we have a few things to talk about and I really hope you are willing to do that.”

“You seem pretty calm about this” Rick looked at me.

“About going out to dinner, yes, I have been out many times. About letting you get to know Tiffany? No, I am scared to death Rick”

“Why?”

“I am not sure, probably because you are pretty important to me and I don’t want to let you down. But this is who I am Rick.” I said as I caught a tear in the corner of my eye “Now, I am about to ruin my makeup and I would rather go to dinner and talk.”

Rick sat there for a few seconds pondering then stood up and stepped over to me with his hand extended “Then let’s go to dinner”

I took his hand as I stood, collected my shoulder purse and we left. The ride to the restaurant was pretty quiet but I caught Rick glancing at me all the way there as he drove. When we got to the restaurant and were escorted to our table Rick held my chair for me and sat only after I was settled, the behavior of a Gentleman and not the way he would have acted if I were Tim. Dinner was very difficult, my stomach was so tight and queasy that I felt anything I put in there would come right back up. We had a bottle of wine with dinner, which helped calm me and another bottle after dinner which I think helped both of us. We sat there talking until they asked us to leave as they wanted to close. I did most of the talking. I told Rick everything and I mean everything. Almost a step by step process of how I got to where I am today and that I had no idea where tomorrow was going to take me. I confessed my confusions and my fears, my total lack of sexual desires and total frustration at lack of self-identity.

The call to the confessional seemed to go both ways that night. Rick told me he had sensed something different about me all along but had no idea what it was. He also confessed that he had developed feelings for me that he should not have had for another man, but he couldn’t put a finger on what those feelings were. He described it best as a comfort thing, when you are with someone that you just feel good being with and he brought up his past comment about wishing I was a girl to which we both got a great laugh. Rick admitted that his feelings for me had become such a concern to him and were playing on his emotions so much, that when he saw me Sunday as Tiffany it angered him, made him feel he was being played with and he wanted to strike back. As much with my past, Rick was very forceful in his declaration that he was not gay. I tried to explain to him the neither was I, but I was also not straight, I was really nothing, when it came to sex. I asked Rick what we were going to do about it and he said he did not know but admitted he did not want to lose is friend and I didn’t want to lose mine either. We agreed that we needed to keep Tiffany out of work for now, at least until I knew more about where I was going. Though I give Rick credit for trying, I know he can never truly understand the hopelessness and frustration of not know who you are or what you are going to be. The evening ended with Rick taking me home and dropping me at the elevator bank in the garage. We did not touch.

As frightening as it was, the introduction of Tiffany to Rick was very liberating. Only on rare occasions did I socialize outside work with anyone but Rick so Tim only existed in the office. My other life was more involved with the other ladies, so with Rick being included in the circle of people that knew Tiffany I had no one else to hide from, except my parents. I had not seen my parents since I moved to my new job. Despite all of the emails and phone calls that contained promises of vacations on both sides, none ever materialized. I missed them and they missed me but life often gets in the way of plans. However, they were on my mind a lot, especially the more that Tiffany grew and became a real person. I had to figure out how to bring them into the circle but that frightened me more, much more than Rick.

In the months that followed Rick’s introduction to Tiffany, Rick and I went out at least once per week on what was quickly evolving into dates. The first few weeks were pretty awkward as I am not sure either of us knew how to act with the other, but soon things fell back into the way it had always been, except now I was Tiffany. We continued to do many of the same activities, had the same debates, same discussions and same fun we always had when I was Tim. I was just happy being with him. At the same time there was another aspect of our relationship that started to develop and was quite bothersome to me. Rick started ignoring Tim. We no longer stopped for a beer after work, or had our normal BS sessions while at work. Rick made it pretty clear through his actions, though we never discussed it, he preferred to spend is time with Tiffany and Tim was just an employee. I had trouble with this because my feelings were the same each day regardless of what clothes I put on.

It was about four months after I started taking the pills that I bought from Linda that I started to see some changes and effects to my body that surprised me. I definitely saw a change in my skin and my hair as the girls told me I would and those effects I greatly enjoyed. I never had much facial hair to start with but I was noticing what I did have becoming less and less. Not really a bad thing. However, other things were seemingly happening that bothered me more. I was having trouble getting my pants over my butt and I was growing breasts.

The first time I noticed my breasts I was taking a shower and was startled at the size of my nipples. In my mind they had almost doubled in size and physically there were very sensitive. After my shower I called Liza and she told me I had to be imagining things because the pills did not work that fast. She told me that even if the pills did cause breast growth it would take over a year for that to happen. As I watched them over the next few weeks I confirmed I was not imagining things as not only were the nipples changing but there was starting to be some puffiness growing behind them. The nipples had become so sensitive that when I took off my breast forms it was actually painful as they pulled free of the nipples. Some times at work, when I would turn quickly to grab something, I could feel a weight shifting on my chest that had never been there before. Though the concept of having my own breasts did not upset me the thoughts crossing my mind were ‘how am I going to hide this?’ I had the same issues with my pants. I had been wearing the same size pants from many years. I was small and skinny and that never changed. Now it was an effort to get them over my hips. Of course the girls just accused me of eating too well and that I needed to work out a little. The pills don’t have that effect, they would tell me. OK, so how about having to start shaving my underarms? I never had hair there before.

One Friday night, after Rick and I had been ‘dating’ for about 4 months, he dropped me off at the elevators in my complex as usual. We said our goodnights and I got in the elevator to go to my place. As soon as the doors closed I grabbed my cell phone and send a text to Lisa ‘I need you!!!’. By the time the elevator doors opened on my floor my mascara was black streaks running down my face in a river of tears. I ran to my door and once inside just threw myself on to the couch and cried.

Lisa had a key to my apartment and about 30 min later let herself in and found me on the couch with a blanket wrapped around me and half empty box of tissues.

“Tiffany!!” Lisa exclaimed as she ran to my side “Are you ok?”

“Why won’t he touch me!!?” I cried.

Lisa pulled me into her arms “Baby, what is the matter? Talk to me.”

“I want him to hold me but he won’t even hold my hand” I continued to cry “He treats me like I am going to contaminate him. Like, if I touch him I make him instantly gay. I am not poisonous!!”

“Shhh, shh, easy” Lisa was whispering in my ear as she rocked me slowly.

“I love him so damn much and he won’t even touch me!!” and the dam broke again with heavy sobs.

It took Lisa over an hour to finally get me to calm down enough that we could have a conversation. The emotional outburst surprised both of us but this just seemed to be the pinnacle of the emotional swings I have been going through for the past week or so. I was never one that needed the intimacy and now I was craving it. But it was true, Rick would not touch me. I tried touching his hand and he would pull away from me. Not aggressively, but it was apparent that he didn’t appreciate it. Even walking in public, the one gentleman rule that Rick did not follow is he never would offer his arm to me. We were great friends but it was strictly hands off. In the beginning I was fine with that, it was not important to me, but that seems to be changing and now I am feeling a need, a need that Rick seems unwilling to fill and it was killing me.

Against my protests Lisa spent the night with me. She said it was her turn to pay me back for all the times she would use my shoulder when something went bad on her ‘other job’ which, thankfully, she no longer does. In the morning I was not feeling well. I had been having random bouts of stomach cramps and this was one of those mornings. With the combination of last night and this morning I was feeling pretty blue. Lisa cooked us some breakfast and suggested a girl outing that afternoon. She would call up some of the others and we would meet at the ice cream parlor in the mall and be ‘bad’ for a while. Being with the girls always seemed to cheer me up and I readily agreed.

Three other girls were able to join us and we had two tables pulled together and were sampling about every flavor they sold and having a great time. I still was not feeling very well but having the girls around with the constant ribbing and laughing was good medicine. I had sent Rick a text message of where I was going, which was probably as big of a surprise to him as it was to me as I don’t normally do that. We had been at the parlor for just short of an hour and were about half way through the menu when my cell phone buzzed. It was a text from Rick saying he was in the mall and wanted to know where we were. My excitement level jumped about 4 notches as I told the girls and sent a text back.

About 10 minutes later Carrie’s, who was sitting across the table from me, eyes opened wide and was looking past me “Ohhhhh, now that is a hunk” she whispered.

I turned to look and saw Rick walking our way “I think that is her hunk” Linda whispered as I waved to Rick

“Jeez girl, you need to learn to share” responded Carrie which earned a round of giggles.

I scooted my chair closer to Lisa so Rick could fit a chair in. “Hi everyone” Rick said.

There was a unison response as I started the introductions. “Rick, this is Lisa, who you have heard about, Linda, Carrie and Marsha”

Rick shook hands with all and sat down “so this is your boyfriend?” Carrie asked

I am not sure what the look I saw in Rick’s eye was but it was concerning “No, we are just friends. We work together”.

I could see the concern in Lisa’s eyes and I am sure she could see the hurt in mine.

“In that case” Carrie chimed “Can I give you my phone number?” which earned a round a laughter.

Rick turned to me “Sorry to interrupt but I have dinner tonight with a couple of people I would like you to meet. Can you go? I didn’t know if you already had plans or not”

“I would love to go” I responded, maybe a little too quickly.

“Great, 7:30?” Rick smiled

“Sure. Dress?”

“Pretty fancy place, I will be in a suit”

“OK” I responded

“Great, I will see you then. Nice to meet everyone” Rick said as he stood

As Rick walked away I was just staring down at my ice cream when Lisa reached into her purse and pulled out a packet of tissues. Here we go again, shit.

Since my last two days had not been some of my greatest, Lisa decided I should not be alone so she decided to stay at my place over night. She could help me get ready for the dinner and then would be there when I got back in case I needed her. I really did not like her putting herself out but I really wanted her there too. I asked Lisa to do my hair that night; I wanted something with style, not just my normal long straight hair. Lisa put my hair in a loose bun on top of my head and looked like it was loosely weaved and she held it in place with three diamond clips. I had a new gown, that I had never worn, which was an ankle length evening gown with side slits that came to my waist with a single shoulder strap. It was black with small shimmering silver threads interlaced through the top. Lisa finished my nails, added some long silver earrings and my 4” black pumps and I was ready for the night as I could be. I looked good and I felt good.

Rick picked me up at 7:30 and Lisa let him in. When I made my entrance to the living room, which was planned, yes we were being bad, I got the reaction out of Rick that I was hoping for. The look on his face was priceless and he could not take his eyes off of me. I wish I could get his hands on me. Upon arrival to the restaurant we were escorted to a table where an older couple waited. As we approached the both stood and Rick introduced us.

“Tiff, I would like to introduce Richard and Abigail Russell. Dick, Abby this is Tiffany”

“My, my, aren’t you a beautiful one” Abby said taking my hand.

I thank her and we all settled into our place. The waiters were there fill water glasses and handing out menus. As soon as the wait staff left us to our menus, Abby put her menu on the table and looked at me.

“I want to make sure we are starting the night with a clear understanding my Dear. We know you are a man wearing a dress though, I admit, you pull it off exquisitely”

“Geez, Abby!” I heard Rick moan

“Well, I don’t want to have false pretenses and anyone making up stories” Abby said

If looks could kill, Rick would have died a thousand deaths in that moment. He had set me up. If he was still trying to embarrass me as he had stated when he first met Tiffany he just succeeded. I am not sure if anyone outside of our table had heard Abby’s declaration but in my mind the entire restaurant was now turning to look at the freak in the dress. I fought through emotions of just wanting to get up and walk away to crawling under the table. I know my face was red because I could feel the heat. Abby was still looking at me to see my response and I was still trying to figure out what it would be. The one thing I knew, I was not going to give that bastard the pleasure of knowing he got to me.

I looked at Abby “Then I shall make sure everything I tell you is factual” then I turned to Rick “Perhaps, my Darling, tomorrow you would like to take out an ad in the Newspaper?”

“Ohhhh, that stung” Dick chuckled while still reading the menu. I didn’t even look at Rick long enough to see how he was reacting.

“Good” Abby said “I would very much like to have dinner with you and chat if we may”

“It would be my pleasure” I responded to Abby

The waiters came back around and we all ordered. My stomach was still feeling sick from earlier and my nerves were stretched too far and I did not feel like eating. I only ordered a salad. Rick tried to ask me if that would be enough and I did not acknowledge he even existed. The dinner chat was friendly and nonintrusive. Both Dick and Abby were able to put me at ease as we talked about families and school and such. They told me as much about their family as I told them about mine. After the initial shock of the evening I found visiting with them to be pleasurable. I made a point to ignore Rick the whole dinner. If he tried to pour wine for me I took the bottle from him and poured my own, if he tried to join the conversation I acted as if he did not exist. At this moment I hated Rick Leerner with all my being.

As dinner was finished and the waiters were clearing the table Abby stated she needed to use the ladies room and ask me to join her. I collected my purse and went with her. I have been out as Tiffany many times and had always used the Ladies room because no one knew otherwise. As I reached the doors I hesitated because tonight there was someone that knew I did not belong in the ladies room so I was unsure what to do. Abby must have sensed my hesitation for she immediately hooked her left arm into my right arm and steered me to the Ladies room. Once we entered the Ladies room I need to get to a stall. As soon as I had stood up at the table I was suddenly washed over with stomach cramps and it took everything I had not to grimace as I walked across the restaurant, I also felt sick to my stomach. There was little relief to be had.

After leaving the stall I washed the touched up my makeup while Abby did the same. I put my things back in my purse and prepared to return to the table.

“Tiffany” Abby said “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

I nodded and she led me over to the sofa in the Ladies room. After sitting Abby reached into her purse and pulled out a business card and handed it to me.

Abigail and Richard Russell
PHD Clinical Psychologists
Specializing in
Gender Dysphoria

I read the card and looked at her with a puzzled look.

“Let me explain a few things to you.” Abby started “Under normal circumstances, some of the things I am going to tell you would be against the code of ethics. But, I don’t think this is a normal circumstance and if I don’t tell you there is a pretty good chance that something that shouldn’t be broken will be broken.”

I just looked at her and did not speak.

“Rick has been a patient of my husbands for about 3 months now. It was Rick’s request that we meet you and I choose to do that in a public place.”

“So you could embarrass me?” I asked icily

Abby smiled “No, and I am sorry for that, but I did it on purpose and I did it for a reason. You see, when faced with a crisis situation, specifically a personal attack, males and females will respond differently. Men tend to respond with bravado and will attempt to out ‘macho’ you, basically muscle before brain. Women, on the other hand, rarely take the frontal approach. They will more internalize and find as graceful way as possible to make the best of the situation. I needed to see how you would react.”

“And, how did I do?” my voice was pretty cold.

“Amazingly well. You surprised me. Understand that I have seen many, many transsexuals in my career and I have seen just about every type of reaction and behavior there is. Not only are you incredibly beautiful, trust me, no one would know if you didn’t tell them, but you appear to have the attitude and personality of a female.”

Again, I just sat in silence

“What I would like you to do” Abby continued “Is come to my office Monday morning at 9:00 where we can have a couple of hours to talk. I think there are things I can do to help you answer some of your questions. Rick has already told us a lot about you so I have a pretty good idea where you are but I would like to spend some time with you.”

I flinched with the revelation Rick was talking about me. I want to kill him and Abby saw that.

Abby smiled and patted my leg. “When I said there was something that could be broken that shouldn’t be broken I was talking about yours and Rick’s relationship. I know you are very angry with him but please try to see his side too. He is very much in love with you but he is having a problem with this gender thingy. That is what he has been seeing my husband about. He also knew he was taking a major risk with your relationship by having this meeting tonight. You are important enough to him that it was a risk he felt he needed to take. He loves you Tiffany, and I am pretty sure you love him too. We just have this one little problem we need to work through. Let’s try to work on it and not break it”

I just nodded my head yes because I was afraid to speak or the tears would start again. We returned to the table where the guys had already settled the bill, said our good nights and left. In the car on the way home Rick kept looking over at me like he was waiting for something. I didn’t know how I wanted to handle this yet so I just kept looking out the side window. We pulled into the garage but instead of pulling up to the elevators Rick found a spot and parked the car. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. Rick had his hands on top of the steering wheel and his forehead resting on his hands.

“Tiff, talk to me please” Rick whispered

“What do you want from me Rick?” I asked calmly “You set me up, you embarrassed me.”

“I know, I am sorry.” I heard a small crack in Rick’s voice. “I didn’t know what else to do”

“You could have talked to me. I would have happily gone with you”

We were silent for a few minutes “I love you Tiffany” Rick whispered

“Why won’t you touch me Rick? Even in private, why won’t you hold my hand or give me a hug? Why aren’t you holding me right now because you hurt me tonight?” I could not help it, the tears were coming now.

“I don’t know. I am afraid. I can’t get there yet”

“Then maybe it is not me you love. Maybe it is just the image or idea of me” I said as I opened the car door to get out.

“Tiffany! Please!” Rick said as he turned and reached out for me but I was already out of the car. I could see the tears on his cheeks.

“My Darling” I said “I love you with all my heart. I did not ask to be who I am or what I am. I wish to God I could just be a woman for you but I can’t. You have to decide if who and what I am is good enough for you or not. I can’t do that for you Rick.”

I closed the car door and started walking toward the elevators. I could hear him cry my name in the car behind me and I started running for the elevator. My world was caving in on me and I didn’t know what to do but run away from it. I was so hurt and so angry that further talking could be dangerous. I ran to Lisa’s arms.

I sat with Lisa and told her the story and cried for hours. My stomach was really hurting and I felt constantly like I had to vomit. Lisa tried to put me to bed around 3am but I could not sleep. I felt very sick with the cramps and the vomit urges. Lisa found me the next morning on the couch, wrapped in a blanket.

“You do not look good Princess” Lisa said and she came to me.

“I don’t feel good Lisa” I forced out

Lisa came up and put her hand on my forehead “You have a fever and you are white as a ghost”.

“My stomach hurts, really bad”

Lisa went into the kitchen to make me some tea just as the doorbell rang. Lisa answered the door.

“She is not doing to good” I could hear Lisa say

I opened my eyes and saw Rick walking toward me with a very concerned look on his face.

“Baby, are you OK?” Rick asked as he knelt down beside me

“No, I’m not” I whimpered.

“I was just about to make her some tea” Lisa said

Rick sat on the floor next to me and was stroking my hair. He was touching me. If I had the strength I would have wrapped my arms around him.

I let out a cry of pain as another stomach cramp racked through my body. I found my head in Rick’s arms instantly.

“Rick, I need to go to the bathroom, help me please”

Rick helped me to my feet and almost carried me down the hall to the bathroom. I closed the door and locked it behind me and sat on the toilet. Another cramp hit me and I groaned and then the vomit came. I could not get turned around so it sprayed all over the sink and the floor. It was blood. The room started spinning.

I cried out “Rick, please, Rick, help me!”

I heard the door knob wiggle “Tiffany!!” I heard Rick call out.

I cried out as another cramp hit me with more vomit. I saw the door frame shatter as the door opened and I saw Rick’s frighten eyes. I tried to reach for him. I saw the floor coming up as I fell but I never felt it. The world went black.