Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!

Chapter 16

I caught them all off guard. Over the last several weeks they had relaxed their watch over me. So, the first chance I got, Samuel, Jonah and I took our little buggy and headed off for a quick visit to town. That was the story I had given them, but I had no intention of stopping there... nor ever returning home. The youngster, Jonah, was my driver and at about five miles away from the plantation, I had him stop the buggy.

"I can take it from here, Jonah." I took the reins from his hands.

"Ma'am?" He looked at me with astonishment as I pointed toward the side of the road with a nod of my head.

"You can get out here, and head back home." I waited as he climbed down to the ground, then, without a second glance, snapped the reins and drove away leaving the perplexed youth watching me as I disappeared.

Chapter 17

By late June, war had moved further east and I was able to drive the buggy relatively safely into Kentucky. There I sold the buggy and used the money to take a train further north to Vincennes, Indiana. There I changed trains, and headed into Indianapolis. From there, I took a stage and rode on toward my old home... well, the home where I lived as a youth.

Only once did a person look at me strangely; it occurred when Samuel and I were acquiring a stage in Indianapolis. The man in the stage station eyed me suspiciously, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

"I was raised here," I answered with a smile as I held Samuel to my shoulder.

"Ain't nobody 'round here have an accent like yours," he scowled.

"Accent?" I laughed, and then suddenly realized that I no longer spoke like those around me. The thicker Tennessee drawl of Sarah's made me stick out like a sore thumb. "Oh, I'm sorry..." I lied, "I've been stuck in the south since I was about eight or nine."

"Ever since you was a little girl?" He studied me from under his bushy eyebrows.

"Yes, ever since I was a little...girl." I winced at my own comment... but with this body I was now confined inside, made it all the more realistic.

Thankfully, nothing more had been said as he warily passed me the ticket. By that very noon we were rolling away from the big city and slowly heading toward...home. It was an alien thought to me, finally heading toward MY home. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it was with an eager anticipation that I felt. I was so excited, wondering what they would think of Samuel and...It was as though a great tidal surge of revelation washed over me: neither of my parents would recognize me or my child! To them, I was just another spoiled southern woman, fleeing north from the ravages of war. My father had been a very tough man; to him I was the enemy! I hid my face from the others who were seated inside the coach, afraid that they would see my tears. I held Samuel closer and kissed his tender cheek. "How could I have been so stupid?" I mouthed the words to the infant, so none could hear. I held the boy close, and with Samuel's blanket softly sobbed into it.

As the coach began to slow down, I glanced back up; we were almost to our old lane, but the boyhood home I was trying to escape to... didn't feel much like home anymore. As our coach stopped, I stepped to the door, taking my small satchel with me. With an aching heart, I carried Samuel down the short steps with the help of a driver. There I stood and faced the lane. Behind me the driver had already climbed to his seat and was picking up the reins.

As I heard him pulling away, I cried and stood at the end of the path. Finally, I turned and watched them disappear over the small rise. With a painful swallow, I took a hesitant step forward, knowing that I could remain in this land no more than I could give up my son. I felt like an orphan, with not one place on this earth that I could consider my home... anymore.

Like a criminal walking toward the gallows, I closed the distance to the old house. It was a home that almost seemed like it was from another lifetime. I passed our family cemetery, and I saw the marker of both my former grandfather and grandmother. Beside them, stood the new stone of my own! A sob stuck in my throat, as I realized who was buried under that marker. Crying, I sat the bag down in the grass and carried Samuel with me. Closer and closer we moved toward the iron fence that surrounded the fresh plot. It was as though I was approaching the corpse of a very close, dead relative. I felt my knees almost buckle as I supported my weight on the iron fence.

From behind me, a voice stabbed the quietness. "What brings you to these parts, Ma'am?"

I shrieked at the sudden sound of the man's voice.

"I...I came to visit the people who live at the house," I stammered, quickly turning to face the deep voice.

"They ain't been anyone live here since they buried the boy." He said, pointing to the new stone. "I've been farming the land since I bought the place, and that's been almost six months ago."

I trembled and held little Samuel closer, fighting back the tears that stung my eyes. I looked from my cemetery stone to the boy in my arms. "Do...do you know where they went?" I could feel my heart pounding in my breast... alone... my parents left me alone!

He shrugged, "Don't rightly know. I think they said they was heading toward Oregon or California... I don't know for sure, somewhere out west they said. Away from their hurt at the loss of the boy... his death left a huge hole in their hearts. His ma told me that they wanted to move on with their lives and put all of this behind them."

He watched me for a moment, "The child there in your arms... was he the boy's youngin'?" As he spoke he pointed toward the newest marker.

I studied the stone through a watery blur, and tears began to roll. Slowly, I shook my head, wiping away the tears as they fell from my eyes. "No. He was... he was..." I buried my face in Samuel's blanket once again and cried.

He pulled his hat down from his head and nodded, "Sorry for your loss, ma'am... uh... this place ain't nowhere for a lady to stay... uh... will you be needing a ride back to town?"

I looked toward the western sky, into the direction my parents had gone, then back down the lane I had just walked. They had moved on with life, could I? Should I? After what seemed like long moments, I straightened up and knew what I must do. Nodding to the kindly man, I spoke with a controlled voice. "Yes, could you please?"

"No problem, ma'am," he said as he and I walked the short distance to his buckboard. He took the child from my arms, then helped me into the seat before gently handing him back. He then drove me in silence to town and deposited me at the door to the stagecoach office.

Holding my young son, I watched the man drive away, once again toward the old homestead. My parents were right, I knew that I too must move on with my life... but to where? Perhaps I could search for them, telling them that I was my... their son's wife and Samuel was their grandson. But I knew, I couldn't follow them... the pain of my death would be a constant reminder to them. No longer was I related, no longer did their blood flow in my veins. I had to go... but... to where? A sudden voice behind me brought me back into my senses.

"Where to?" A little bald man asked from behind his counter.

I smiled sadly, I knew what I had to say. "Home. We're heading home."

He eyed me for a moment, then shrugged and began to fill out a ticket. "And judging by your accent, I'd say you ain't from around here?" It was more of a question than an observation.

I stared at Samuel and slowly smiled, "No sir, we're both from Clarksville, Tennessee."

"Were you trying to escape the war up here?" he asked, handing me my ticket.

With a determined smile, I got a better grip on Samuel, bouncing him higher up on my chest. "I...I wanted to... but somewhere along the way, I'm pretty sure that I found where I belong."

He gave me a strange look, raising his eyebrows as he stamped several papers spread out before him, "Well, the coach will return around noon. You can wait inside here until it comes." He directed me to a long bench that spanned one wall. I took a seat and played with Samuel's tiny hands. There, in that station, I realized that the only place for me was back in Clarksville.

Somehow I must learn to accept the role that this destiny had given me, learn to accept how Ethan would see me. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I thought, gently stroking Samuel's back until he drifted off to sleep. We waited there on that long bench for our coach. I smiled to myself, we were going...home.

Chapter 18

I sat alone for most of the ride south, only pausing to change coaches in Indianapolis. It had only been a matter of days since I had passed through the very same station, the familiarity helped ease the rigors of my return journey. After boarding the coach to Vincennes, I sat staring out the window as we rolled along the road, constantly driving me to the one place that I knew this body I possessed would be welcome...home.

My mind was still washed with turmoil as I rode inside that dusty coach; cradled within my slender arms was little Samuel. I smiled as he slept, his perfect little fist balled up beneath his rounded chin. I touched his fingers and sighed, I could never take Samuel away from the father who sired him. It was the least I could do for the young mother who once carried this bundle within her womb. I glanced upward and watched the trees rolling past; only the motion of the wheels and steady clop, clop of the horses was all I could hear. Somewhere beneath the coach, a chain dangled, its bell-like tones making it sound like a sleigh.

I leaned back into the seat, allowing my bonnet to just touch the dusty cushion. I was so tired, and I needed to rest. Closing my eyes, I wondered if Ethan had finally arrived home. Would I recognize him? Would I be able to respond like he would want his wife to respond? Would he be angry at me for leaving? The storm of questions swirled in my mind like a blizzard, but one answer common to all was that it was right for me to be traveling home... a home where 'Sarah' belonged.

I thought about all the people with whom I had come into contact since I had become Sarah. Did I fool them? Did they actually think of me as Sarah? Did Keeza or Miss Lilly ever find themselves forgetting who I once was? I doubted it. As I would grow older, would I forget who I once had been? Could I ever tell Ethan and Samuel what had really happened to their wife and mother? Then I laughed slightly and shook my head; that was one question, which surely would put me into an asylum... no, that answer would have to be buried with me.

I sat up and rubbed my hand over my eyes. Sleep seemed impossible, my brain kept thinking, unable to rest. But I was so tired. The choice seemed simple, either I accept being Sarah... or I didn't. But why was I fighting it so much? I once again looked at Samuel. He didn't know of my past. He didn't care that his mommy had once been a Union soldier from Indiana. To him, mommy had always been this petite blonde-haired woman from the town of Clarksville, Tennessee.

I smiled as he stirred, opening his little eyes and yawning. This precious bundle wouldn't care of my past. To him, my former life would be nothing but a great imaginary story that his mommy told. He gave me a short smile then gradually let his eyes close once again in sleep, comforted in his mother's arms. I nodded to myself, I must continue as Sarah for him. No matter what his father would want of me, I would accept the role that this destiny has placed upon my shoulders. I would become Sarah Whitmore, for both Ethan and Samuel.

Almost as soon as I had accepted my life as it had been laid out for me... I felt a great peace wash over my entire being. I gathered Samuel to my body, hugging and kissing his soft cheek, knowing that as long as a breath was still left in my body... I would be his mother. Moving into a more comfortable position, I slept, finally able to rid myself of the mental burden that I carried. Finally able to let go of that young soldier from Indiana, finally able to turn into the sun and walk forward with my head held high. I was a Whitmore now, and would remain one until the day I die.

Chapter 19

My heart beat faster as the open carriage pulled up at the end of our plantation gate. "Sarah, I can take you all the way up, it's really no trouble at all." Mr. Alderman, the Station Manager spoke. He wasn’t feeling comfortable leaving a woman, let alone the daughter of a close personal friend and her young child so far away from her door.

I smiled and took his hand, stepping down to the ground, holding Samuel, firmly into my chest with my other hand. "I'll be fine. This is something that I have to do."

"Well, it's always a pleasure, ma'am." He smiled and tipped his hat, "Tell your mother and Ethan that I wish them well."

I nodded demurely and smiled as he slowly turned his carriage around and headed back toward town. With a deep breath, I began to walk toward the stately home and its grand columns. As I walked, I could see many of the slaves pause in their work and watch me pass. I smiled and gave them a short wave, a few of them, unsure as to what they were seeing actually waved back.

I smiled inwardly, some of the old me was still alive and well inside this feminine body. Often, I wondered: just how the original Sarah had treated those captives who tended her father's lands? Was she nice to them or were they nothing more than cattle? I was determined that I would never allow myself to ever take a human being for granted. I knew that this way of life would end someday soon, and when it did, these slaves would be set free. I wanted our plantation to be one of the first plantations to allow the free men to go if they wished. Those who would stay, should be compensated fairly for their labor.

The closer I walked toward the Samuel Pike Plantation, the greater my heart beat with fear. Was I doing the right thing? How would Ethan respond after he knew I had run away? Each step brought me closer to those answers. Each step brought me closer to the outcome, which would shape my life from this day forward. Nearby I could see Miss Lilly; she had paused in her gardening, moving closer to the lane as I drew to her still form.

"Glad to see you've come back, Sarah." She gave me a slight nod. "You know that Ethan has returned as well?"

I took a deep breath and nodded quickly, glancing down the last hundred feet toward the great stairs that led into the house. "I know."

She studied me for a moment, then looked down at Samuel. "The boy seems well."

I bristled slightly, swinging my eyes right at her. "Of course he's well! I AM his mother, I DO see to the needs of my own child!"

She patted my hand, "I know, child. I know. But... sometimes I need to see it for myself."

"Is Mother angry?" I asked fearfully. The look on Miss Lilly's face spoke volumes.

"She isn't exactly pleased." She gave me a swift smile, "She doesn't take kindly for a young woman to be out on her own, especially one with a small child." Taking me by the arm, she walked with me toward the house, "Just where exactly did you go?"

I glanced toward her, knowing full well that she wasn't fooling anyone. Deep down, I knew she already suspected where I had gone... I just think she wanted me to say it aloud. I shifted Samuel to my other shoulder before speaking, "I went back to Indiana. I wanted to see my folks."

"And did you?" she asked, her cane swinging out before both of our skirts while we walked.

I shook my head, "They were gone, moved west after... the old me was buried."

She glanced at me from the corner of her eye, "I'm surprised you didn't follow them."

"I thought about it, but... I knew where I was needed." I was looking directly at her by the time I finished the sentence, I wanted to see her reaction. Although, if I had been waiting for some great reveal of surprise, I was mistaken.

She smiled instead, "I knew you would return." Again we walked, stopping when I came to the bottom of the great curved steps. With only a moment of hesitation, I began my ascent.

Beside me stepped the older woman, her voice was calm and steady. "Climbing these steps is much like the life you've come to know. At the bottom, you were confused, unsure of whether you were making the right choices. As you climb, you come to realize that there was really only one choice that would make sense... acceptance. As you step out on the top, you are only a woman, only a mother, holding her son protectively to her chest... in search of the man with which you are bound. You're life is now complete."

"Not yet," I sighed, "There's still one more thing I need to do."

"Oh?" She began to move toward the ornate doors, a young black man held them open for us to enter. "And... what would that be, child?"

"I must face Ethan... as a woman." I swallowed, wishing that I would have never returned.

"To him, you are no mere woman. To him, you are his bride. To him, you are the mother of his son." She pointed out the obvious.

I nodded slowly as we both turned to movement behind us, and we saw that it was the young girl, Rose. "It's good to have you back, Ma'am."

She took Samuel and smiled, "I'll see to the boy, Ma'am. You can freshen up in your room."

I paused at the first step of the great winding stairs, "Ethan? Is he...?" She followed my pointing finger.

"No ma'am. He went to see his father, he should be returning shortly." She gave me a short curtsey and walked briskly away with Samuel. I followed her out with my eyes, and then slowly turned them back up the stairs.

"Go on, child. Go freshen up for your husband." She gently gave my elbow a push. Then she stepped back to watch me climb the stairs toward my chamber... toward OUR chambers.

I stood quietly at my doorway, with a deep breath I stepped in, walking directly toward the low dresser with the pitcher of water and bowel. Staring into the wide mirror, I slowly tugged at the ribbon of my bonnet, drawing it out until the knot fell. I gradually removed it and placed it on the edge of the dresser, then poured the water into the porcelain basin. Splashing the cool water over my face, felt both refreshing and helped keep my mind clear. Giving myself a quick pat dry, I placed my towel over the spindle at the end of the dresser. Raising my head, I smiled at my reflection, as both hands deftly began to work at the bun.

As the hairpin was removed, a great cascading waterfall of flaxen hair fell about my neck and shoulders. Once again, I was mesmerized by the reflection of myself in the mirror. Just who was the young woman playing with a lock of her hair? I sighed deeply and began to brush the tangles out, when movement in the doorway caught my eyes.

It was Ethan.

"They told me that you returned," he whispered, still remaining where he stood. "I just want to know... was it because of another man that you left?"

Saying nothing, I turned to face him. I could see why Sarah had loved him so much... he was very handsome, his good looks caused the heart within my young breast to beat rapidly. Neither of us moved a step, as each seemed to be waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally he let his eyes drift downward, his gaze upon the swirling pattern of the rug. "I understand..." He spoke softly, his jaw muscles flexing, struggling hard to hold back his emotions.

I stood silently, frozen like a statue, unable to say a word! He took my silence as an admission of guilt, a guilt that was misplaced. How could I not tell him the truth? He deserved to know, didn't he? It tore at my heart to see his shoulders slump in great sadness, as he turned and disappeared from my view.

Suddenly, my wits returned to my head. Quickly throwing the brush upon the floor, I hurried toward the empty doorway where he had only stood moments before. "Ethan?" I called.

I heard him moving rapidly down the stairs, finally hesitating at midpoint. I raced to the ornate banister and peered over its edge, "Wait!" I called to him, my voice echoing in the stillness of the great room. Standing at the bottom of the stairs were Miss Lilly and Keeza. Both were intently watching Ethan and me.

Ethan's eyes held back the tears that glistened at the corners, his voice shaking with emotion. "Did he share our bed while I was gone?"

I couldn't speak; my mouth opened, but nothing would come out! So I shook my head from side to side, and feminine tears rolled slowly down my soft cheeks. "Who was he, then? Why did you chase after him with our son?"

My eyes quickly danced toward Miss Lilly, hoping she would come to my rescue and tell him all the things I knew I couldn't! But she said nothing, and only stood like a silent sentinel at the base of the stairs.

Ethan took a step up toward me, his tears now visible, and his lips trembling. I felt my knees growing weak, my breath was racing... I needed to say something, before it was too late!

Suddenly, my mother was standing at the top of the stairs, her eyes moving between the two of us. The relief of seeing me was evident in her eyes, and she ran to me and enveloped me in a motherly hug. "Did you find his grave?"

I nodded and whispered, "Yes."

Ethan gave us both a stunned look. "Who’s grave?"

Mother moved down the several steps that were between us and gently took Ethan's hand and began to lead him back upward. "A young Yankee soldier."

"A Yank? Here?" He paused once again, "Did he do anything to harm you?" His voice became stronger, his tone protective.

"No, Ethan," I replied softly, "The young man did nothing to harm any of us."

"But what we did to the poor soul was more than he deserved," Mother sighed, letting her eyes fall to the polished floor. "We killed him."

"Killed?" Ethan spoke, sounding shocked. "If he was a Yank..."

"He was just a boy!" I responded before he could finish his comment, I was afraid to hear what I assumed he would say. "…No older than I am!"

"...why didn't you just give his body back to the Yanks?" He finished, and then frowned. "As for him being a boy... many of those 'boys' killed some of your fellow countrymen." Then as his eyes pierced my soul, his tone softened considerably. "Many of our 'boys'... killed his countrymen too." Ethan sighed deeply and began to climb the stairs toward me. "Truth is, we need to end this damn war and get both the Union and Confederates back together as one nation...in peace once again. Only then will war leave us for good."

He stopped before me, gently taking my hand and pulling me toward his embrace. He buried his face in my hair and gave me an enormous hug, holding me for a long, long time. As we parted, I realized that Mother, Mrs. Lilly and Keeza were all gone.

"I'm sorry that you had to see first-hand what war was like, Sarah."

I nodded, though he really had no idea how much 'war' I had really seen.

He kissed my fingers, holding them to his lips for a very long time. "Did you miss me?" he asked, moving my golden hair from my shoulder.

"Greatly," I replied softly.

He looked down, his eyes seemed to be fixed upon the cleavage of my chest. "I promised myself that when I arrived home... I'd put you in bed and not let you leave for several days."

"Do you still feel that way now?" I asked, unsure of whether I wanted him to answer.

He smiled leaning in, and kissed me. "I'd sure like to try."

I began to pull him toward the nursery, at the door I pointed toward our sleeping son. "What about Samuel?" I asked softly. "Don't you want to see him first?"

"Sure... but he's sleeping." He softly replied, looking toward our son.

I stepped to the end of his bassinet, Ethan stood beside me. "He's sleeping... but, you're not." I said with a smile.

I felt his hand gently grasp my hip, turning me to face him, "I just noticed something... He said smiling down at me, ...this is a big room, and our son looks lonely."

"And you figure on making him less lonely?" I smiled, knowing I would do what was expected of me.

"If you'll let me..." he said with a huge smile.

Chapter 20

I stood in the brilliant sunlight holding Abigail tightly as Ethan swung down from his horse, his hair was in disarray, his uniform faded and dirty... but I didn't care, he was alive! Little Samuel ran toward him and hugged his father's tall riding boot, eying the gleaming saber that hung from his daddy's side. In one great move, the tot was hoisted to Ethan's chest where he was given a massive hug.

As soon as his eyes fell upon me, he crossed the short expanse of stone and began up the steps. Bounding upward, he stopped just before me, slowly returning Samuel to the porch floor. He kissed his daughter tenderly upon the forehead, her tiny blonde curls wavering gently in the breeze. He eased her from my arms and gave her a hug, his tears glistening his eyes for this was the first time he had seen his daughter. Slowly, he handed her to my mother, then returned to once again face me. Instantly he wrapped his strong arms around me and drew me close, smothering me under his loving kisses.

We cried, everyone who was there to see him finally home! Ethan, Mother, Samuel, Keeza, Miss Lilly...Me...All relieved to finally have him home for good. As he sobbed into my shoulder, I looked upward and felt the tears rolling from my eyes. "Is it really over? Did General Lee actually surrender?" I cried.

"I was at Appomattox, and I saw him sign the surrender. It's over." He unhooked his saber and handed it to Samuel, "I had to turn in my pistol. They wanted this, too... but their General Grant told his boys to let me keep it."

I bent down and gently removed it from Samuel's tiny grasp, "You can have it when you're older..." He gave me the 'Aw, Mommy...' look but I only replied with a loving smile. He knew; he didn't have to ask.

Ethan gently touched my chin, turning my face toward his own. Our lips met in a soft kiss, slowly building in passion until the saber hitting the porch flooring broke our focus. As I pulled my face slowly away, I opened my eyes. My heart was beating as fast as it could possibly go, I would have sworn that it could be heard by everyone. I took a deep breath, my stomach felt like hundreds of thousands of little butterflies suddenly took flight, all at the same time. It seemed to happen every time Ethan would kiss me, it just made me long for his company all that much more.

I could feel the dampness from the hunger I felt for Ethan, knowledge of what was to come later when we were alone. My body was in such a state of arousal that my legs were shaking with anticipation, my breasts felt as they were tipped with little wooden knots. I stepped backward and slowly let out my breath, Samuel began to tap my leg causing me to look down.

"You dropped this, Mommy." In his hands he held the saber. I smiled mischievously, and took it from him. Ethan grinned and bounced his eyebrows.

My husband then leaned close to my ear, his breath sending a shiver of desire, down my spine. "Later on, if you want, I'll let you hold mine."

I covered my smirk as he escorted me inside, behind us followed Mother with Abigail, Samuel, Keeza and Miss Lilly. I gently touched Ethan's hand, leaning close to his ear I whispered, "Oh, I want. I want."

Chapter 21

In our bedroom that night, I held him tightly. He... my Ethan, had pushed me beyond the greatest heights I had ever known! Holding me there, keeping my arousal at this lofty pinnacle until the bright flashes and colorful swirls faded and I was once again, able to breathe. There we remained locked in our lover's embrace until the last gasps of the amazing afterglow I was feeling, slowly subsided.

I kissed him as he gently nuzzled my neck, erotically working his tender kisses upward toward my ear. I smiled and sighed with pleasure. I didn't want this night to end, I wanted to remain in his arms forever.

I had come a long, long way... I had two beautiful children to thank him for! With luck, another would be on the way very soon. For now, I was content with just laying here, being held by him... as his loving wife, Sarah.

You may ask, did I ever think back about when I was once a man? No, not really. Ethan was man enough for me. Besides, now that he was home for good... I planned on letting him prove it every chance he can.