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I don’t think I’ve ever stayed more still for a longer period of time than I did while Jeff was sketching my portrait. I was sitting on the rocking chair, my hands folded neatly in my lap as I kept my legs crossed at the ankles. I took slow even breaths as I grew more and more comfortable not only with the way I was dressed, but also with the way people were viewing. Even though the clothes felt divine, I had never before felt so comfortable in my own skin.

“All done, sugar plum,” Jeff said as he put his last pencil back in the case.

“Can I see, please,” I said as I rocked forward and put my Mary Jane clad feet firmly on the floor.

Jeff smiled. “Certainly.”

I walked over to where Jeff was sitting on the daybed, not in too big of a rush as I learned how good it felt to take my time while wearing such an outfit. Jeff tilted his art pad sideways so that I could get a good look at things. I paused as I saw a portrait of the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

“What do you think,” Jeff asked as he kept the portrait held in such a way that we could both see it and admire his handiwork.

“That’s me, isn’t it?” I said as my finger touched the pad outside of any of the markings, tracing the contours of the image.

“It sure is,” Jeff said with a bit of whimsy. “I bet you never knew you were so beautiful.”

I blushed a little. “It must be the dress,” I said as I tried to play it off.

Jeff placed the pad down on the side of the bed careful and then put his hands on my shoulders. “Katie,” he said softly, “you’re a beautiful girl because of what’s inside of you. Dress or no dress won’t change that fact one bit.”

It was a lot for a seven year old to think about, but there wasn’t much else to do while I was standing there looking deep into Jeff’s golden brown eyes. “Do you really think I’m a girl, and not some silly boy pretending and wearing a dress?”

Jeff smiled as he brushed some of my hair of my cheek with the back of his hand. “In the end it really doesn’t matter what I think, does it? All that matters is that you’re true to yourself.”

“But it’s so hard,” I said, not realizing that I had answered his question without stating it out loud.

“I won’t lie to you little girl, it is hard,” Jeff said as he embraced me and pulled me onto his lap. “But you have an Aunt who loves you and friends of hers that want you to be happy, some people don’t even have that. Something tells me though that if you are true to yourself that you’ll do fine.”

I put my head on Jeff’s shoulder and allowed him to continue his embrace. Before that day I had never had such intimate contact with a man before and now this was my second hug in an hour. The more Jeff held me and rocked me back and forth the more I found it enjoyable. I could feel warmth emanating from my stomach and travel through my arms and legs, if this is what it felt like to be a girl I never wanted it to end.

“Thank you, Jeff,” I said while I straightened up in his lap. I leaned in towards him and gave him a solid peck on the check.

“Oh my,” Jeff said, “what was that for?’

“The real me wanted to give that to you for being so nice and for drawing my picture,” I said, my voice sounding much softer and melodic as I let go of my rough and tumble façade.

“You’re welcome, Sweety,” Jeff said and then kissed me on my cheek.

“Ah-hum,” my aunt said from the doorway to the spare bedroom.

I turned and faced her, wondering just how long she had been there watching. “Hi Aunt Roe,” I said sheepishly. “We were just…”

“It’s okay Katie,” my aunt said as she wiped a tear from her eye. “You were just learning to be you.”

I nodded yes as I leaned my head back into Jeff’s chest. I suddenly realized that I enjoyed the touch of a man, but also that I needed the approval of my Aunt that I was doing the right thing. When she didn’t object, I took it that she had no issues with my behavior.

“Paul went to get the car,” my Aunt informed. “We should get going.”

Jeff smiled and stood up quickly, practically launching me from his lap. I landed gracefully on the floor, only hearing a light tap as my hard soled shoes touched the floor. Without worrying about how I should act or what I should do, I took two steps towards my aunt and took her hand. As we exited the room I thought it odd that just yesterday I was opposed to physical contact and now that I was letting my true self shine through I couldn’t get enough.

I let my aunt put my winter coat on me. I didn’t have to be an obnoxiously independent brat, but could allow people to care for me in their own way. It was as if my brain was thinking on whole new levels and revelations were coming to me fast. As my Aunt slid the arm of the coat up my left arm I knew she wasn’t doing so because she didn’t think I was capable of dressing myself, but because she loved me and wanted to show that to me by her actions.

My Aunt pulled the coat around my back and helped me get my other hand through. She smoothed the coat and started to zip it up as she leaned down in front of me.

“Aunt Roe,” I said softly.

“Yes dear,” my aunt replied as she made the zipper go all the way up to my neck.

“I love you,” I said as I looked directly at her, something that I previously found hard to do.

My aunt smiled and then gave me a hug. “I know, baby, I know.”

“I just wish I said it more often,” I said as I was being smothered by my Aunt.

My aunt stood up, holding me in her arms; something I hadn’t allowed her to do since I was three. Who cared about independence when you had love, I thought. I didn’t even squirm in the slightest as my Aunt walked into the hallway. I didn’t care who saw, why should I be ashamed to let the world see that I was loved.

We went back out into the New York winter, but this time only for a few seconds as Paul had parked his large yellow Ford right in front of the apartment building. My Aunt opened the back door and gently placed me on the seat. I didn’t even object as she buckled me in. She closed the door and made her way to the front, all the while I could see Paul was staring at me through the rearview mirror.

I waved at him. “Hi, Uncle Paul.”

Paul turned and faced me. “Not for nothing, Katie,” he said kindly as my Aunt was making her way around the car to the passenger side. “But I really enjoy seeing this side of you; I hope you don’t mind my saying.”

“This isn’t a side of me Uncle Paul,” I said while trying not to sound offended.

“It isn’t?” Paul looked at me in wonder.

“This is all of me, the real me,” I said candidly.

Paul grinned as he caressed my cheek. “Baby doll,” he said in his sappy flamboyant way. “It takes some people all their lives to figure that out.”

I had nothing to respond, it certainly was a lot to think about.

My aunt climbed in the passenger door and closed it behind her. “Alright we’re all set,” she said as she put on her seat belt.

“Isn’t Jeff coming,” I asked from the back seat.

“No baby doll,” Paul answered. “He’s going to go by his mother’s for the holidays, but don’t worry, they’ll be plenty of people to pay you attention once we get to Gerard’s.”

“Okay, Uncle Paul,” I said as I sat back in my seat.

Paul placed the car in drive and we started to pull away. It was a long drive out to Suffox County where his brother lived, but I thought that might be even more perfect. I wouldn’t have to worry one smidge about someone I know seeing me out there and I could let my real self shine through without that baggage.

I didn’t feel the need, or the desire, to say anything. All of a sudden it didn’t matter to me to make my presence known as my Aunt and Paul chatted away in the front seat as Christmas carols played on Z100. I leaned my head against the window and looked at the tops of buildings as we drove by and the grey skies behind them.

I was alone in my own little world, and for the first time that wasn’t a bad thing. I took a deep breath and sighed. I was no longer aware of the conversation that was going on in front of me or of the buildings as they passed by my view. The fact that I was in a dress hadn’t even dawned on me, it had become so natural that it wasn’t even an issue. I looked at the face of the reflection of the pretty little girl in the window of the car and knew that was me. But it wasn’t the hair, or the fur from the coat that wrapped around my neck, it wasn’t the fact that my face naturally had a feminine quality to it even when I didn’t want it to. I looked beyond that, looked deep into the reflection of my big, blue eyes. I didn’t need to ask who I was, I already knew. And I also knew that I knew who I was for quite some time but was trying so very hard to be who others wanted me to be. I was trying so hard, for so long, to be Keith, super macho boy, that it seems most of the fun in life had vanished. It was so tiring to behave like someone I wasn’t, but now that I had this brief opportunity to lay down that mask, if only for a day, I found the sense of peace that my life had been missing. The feeling of peace was so all-encompassing that I felt enveloped by it and as I stared at the reflection of the pretty little girl that was even more a reflection of my inner self than my outer, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

I slept the entire ride out to Long Island and didn’t even realize it. I just felt my Aunt’s hand on my tight clad thigh shaking vigorously. “Wake up, Katie, where almost there,” she said in her gentle way that was such a nice way to wake up.

I batted my long eyelashes as my eyelids fluttered open. My head still leaned against the window of the car, but there were no tall buildings bracketing the road, just grey sky. I took a contented sigh and straightened myself up. I looked down and saw that I was still wearing the red winter coat. “Good,” I said.

My aunt looked back at me. “What’s good, honey?”

I looked at my aunt and smiled. “I was almost afraid that I had dreamed the whole thing and that I would wake up a boy again,” I said, showing more honesty than I normally did.

“You’re still Katie for Christmas, unless you decide otherwise,” my aunt said as she fetched a Kleenex from her purse.

“That’s okay, I like being me,” I said and then let my aunt wipe up a little drool that had dribbled down the side of my chin. Thankfully none of the drool got on the coat or my dress.

Paul turned down another street and I knew our journey was about at an end as he slowed down to look at the numbers on the houses.

“Here we are,” Paul said as he pulled into a driveway behind a small van.

I smiled in approval. It was going to be nice to be around people and just let things happen without worrying about putting on some male show for everyone. I waited in the back seat as my Aunt got out and made her way to my door. Even though I could let myself out of the seatbelt, I now found a certain contentment of letting others do things for me.

I took my Aunt’s hand and we traveled up the walk with Paul just a step in front of us. I stoop perfectly still as Paul rang the doorbell. I was pleasantly surprised at my lack of nervousness. Paul’s family had seen me as Keith before, so it wasn’t as if I was going to fool them into believing that I was Katie from birth, but it didn’t concern me. I remembered what my Aunt had told me on the way to Paul’s apartment; she was there and no one was going to hurt me.

Sandra, Gerard’s wife, opened the door and suddenly froze in her spot as her eyes fell upon me. “Is that really Keith,” she asked in awe.

My aunt looked down at me so I could answer for myself.

“It was,” I said in my soft voice that spoke of no ill feelings at being recognized. “But today I’m Katie.”

“Well Katie,” Sandra said, quickly correcting herself on the name. “I must say you are an adorable little Christmas angel.”

“Thank you,” I said, the pride evident to all the adults that stood about me.

“Come on in, come on in all of you,” Sandra instructed. “Let me get a better look at your darling little niece.”

I ate up the compliments as I was ushered through the door. My aunt immediately helped me off with my coat so I could model my maroon party dress. I took a few steps up and down the foyer and as I stood in front of Sandra I did a twirl, allowing my dress to flair from my thighs.

“Absolutely priceless,” Sandra said.

I smiled as I looked at the adults and I realized that there was also a certain amount of pride in my Aunt’s eyes as I was being fawned over.

“I know someone eager to meet you, Katie?” Sandra said as she led our small group into the house. We were the first ones there, so other company had yet to arrive. Gerard was busy stocking the bar and only gave us a brief hello as we walked into the living room. Though he didn’t make a fuss over me, I took that as a sort of compliment that he accepted me just as I was and didn’t feel the need to dote over me. After all, he was a man’s man and little girls in frilly dresses held no particular interest for him.

I looked around to see who Sandra had meant was eager to see me though.

“Laura,” Sandra called up the stairs. “We have guest here, put down the phone and be a good hostess.”

“Is she here,” Laura called out.

“Yes,” Sandra answered and then turned her attention to our group. “For Christmas we got her her own phone line and she’s been programming numbers into her phone all morning.”

Laura was fifteen and a sophomore in high school. By a seven year old’s standard, that automatically made her cool. I looked at the top of the stairs and saw the tall girl wearing jeans and a holiday sweater finally make an appearance. I generally didn’t hang around older kids, but on the few occasions I visited Gerard’s house, me and Laura always got along.

I watched as Laura came bounding down the stairs in a graceful huff. Her chest bounced ever so slightly under the thick red sweater and I found myself thinking the silly notion that I hoped I would develop that way when I hit puberty. Though I had heard all the distasteful jokes little boys made about a girl’s breast, and even laughed at some, I thought it would be a worthwhile tradeoff to deal with little brats if it meant I would be a real girl like the one I was looking at.

Laura turned the corner and headed straight towards our group. “Oh, my, God,” Laura said as her eyes fell upon me. “Is this really her?”

I knew she was talking about me, but wondered why she was asking others.

“Yes, Laura,” my aunt answered for me. “This is Katie.”

“Wow!” Laura exclaimed as she got do on her knees in front of me. “Uncle Paul told me how pretty you were but I thought he was exaggerating.”

I couldn’t tell if she meant that as a compliment or not, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. “Thanks.”

“Oh Katie, this is going to be so awesome,” Laura said as she gave me a hug. “We’re going to have so much fun.”

I looked up at my Aunt for instruction.

“Go ahead, Katie,” my Aunt said with a smile. “Knock yourself out.”

“Come on Katie,” Laura said as she stood up and grabbed my hand. “I never had a little sister before and we can pretend your mine, okay.”

“Okay,” I said, suddenly caught up in Laura’s exuberance. I felt my arm being tugged and soon found myself running up the stairs to Laura’s bedroom.

“So how is he handling things,” Sandra addressed my aunt as Laura and I vanished from view.

“It’s like a whole new child,” my aunt admitted.

“His personality is really that different?”

“No, that’s the funny thing about all this. It’s not that his personality is different, but as soon as I allowed him to be Katie, his real personality was been exemplified.”

“It’s true,” Paul confirmed. “Ever since I saw Katie, there is no longer that hesitancy and awkwardness in her showing her real self.”

“So what do you think,” Sandra addressed my aunt.

“I expected a little of this, but it’s like she’s really embraced the whole package.”

“So where do you go from here?” Sandra asked in earnest.

My aunt frowned. “I don’t really know yet, I wasn’t expecting such a quick turn around. I think I’ll just enjoy today and cross that bridge when we get there.”

I was sitting on Laura’s bed, clutching a white and red teddy bear. He was soft and fuzzy and I was glad I had decided not to be self conscious about such things. If this had happened yesterday, I would’ve simply looked at the bear longingly, wishing it was okay for a boy to clutch a teddy bear. But today I was me and such concerns didn’t even cross my mind.

Laura sat in the bed just behind me, her hands wrapped around me and she held onto my waist. Though we had always gotten along in the past, Laura had never been affectionate towards me. I decided to let it be and adjusted myself so I sat partially on her lap.

Laura left one hand on my waist but brushed my bangs with her other hand. “Do you know how pretty you look,” she said as she stared at me.

“I didn’t think I was until this morning,” I answered honestly.

“Can I ask you something, honestly?” Laura continued.

“Sure,” I said, not knowing where this was going.

“Are you a boy in a dress or are you a girl in a boy’s body?” she asked bluntly.

I took my time to really think about what I was asked. “I’m a girl,” I finally admitted out loud, the revelation brought me a strange sense of peace as I realized it was okay to admit to myself who I really was.

“That’s what I thought, little sister.” Laura gave me a tight squeeze. “So how does it feel to finally be a girl then?”

I smiled as big as I could, allowing my dimples to show. “It feels wonderful.”

“Awesome. So do you want to get all dolled up for Christmas,” Laura asked.

I looked up at her in confusion. Wasn’t I already dolled up?

“I mean with make-up and maybe we can put some pretty flowers in your hair.”

My eyes lit up. I never wore make-up before but the prospect sounded appealing. “I better ask my aunt first,” I said.

“Good idea.”

I hopped off the bed and made my way to the foot of the stairs with Laura just behind me. The adults were still on the bottom level talking away. “Aunt Roe,” I called out as I noticed a pause in the conversation.

My Aunt looked up at us. “Yes, Sweety?”

“Is it okay if Laura helps me with make-up for Christmas?” I asked as sweetly as I could.

My aunt looked at the other adults; it was obvious that she was pleasantly surprised. “It’s okay with me, but Laura.”

“Yes, Miss. Roe,” Laura replied.

“Remember, we’re going for little girl beauty queen, not street corner hussy.”

Laura laughed. “Yes, Miss Roe,” she said and then took me by the hand.

A brief second later we were back in Laura’s room, only this time I was sitting on a bench in front of her vanity. I looked at the white wooden desk with its little brass handles on the drawers and the engraved roses that went around the mirror that were painted in pink. I thought how it would be nice if I had such a thing back at home.

“This is going to be so much fun, Katie,” Laura cooed as she took out her makeup kit.

“I know,” I said, caught up in the excitement myself.

“First,” Laura said as she went to her closet. “Some decoration for your head.”

I watched as she turned around, she was holding a small silver tiara that glittered as the light danced off it. There were little red metal roses along the side to help enhance the aura of femininity. “That’s so pretty,” I gushed.

“Little Miss Fourth Grader,” Laura said with a slight curtsey, pleased with her past accomplishment. “But it also goes perfectly with your dress.”

I kept my chin high as Laura placed the tiara about my head, making sure she didn’t disturb my bangs.

I looked at myself in the mirror and enjoyed the effect of the tiara. I really did look like a little princess and I loved it.

“Perfect,” Laura said. “Now we’re getting somewhere little sis.”

“It’s so cute,” I gushed.

“Not as cute as you,” Laura heaped on the compliments. “Come on, we’re not done yet.”

“Cool,” I said as I turned to face her.

Laura took out a jar of pink nail polish. “Go like this,” she said as she held out her hand and splayed her fingers.

I followed her instructions and patiently watched as she painted my fingernails in a light pink bubblegum color.

I was relishing the attention as Laura finally finished painting the last pinky. I never had nail polish on my fingers before, but it was quite the treat.

“Go like this,” Laura said as she held her hands perpendicular to the floor, “and don’t shake them.”

I was obedient as we let the nail polish dry.

“Okay,” Laura said with excitement as she decided enough time had passed by to let the nail polish set. “Let’s work on that pretty little face of yours.”

I smiled as I saw Laura take out a small compact. She saw no need to lay any foundation, but she liberally dabbed the poof with the pink powder. I stayed still as she dabbed my cheeks with it.

“Looking good,” Laura said as she turned me towards the mirror.

“It looks like I’m blushing,” I said as I critiqued my reflection.

“That’s the point,” Laura said light heartedly. “This way when you do blush, the boys won’t know it.”

I started to blush right then, and even though I had the makeup on, I could immediately tell.

“Oh my,” Laura said. “You like that the boys like you, you are a little girl, Katie.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to say all along,” I giggled.

“So cool,” Laura said as she spun me back towards her. “Last thing, go like this.”

I watched as Laura puckered her lips in a kiss. I mirrored her exactly as she took out a tube of red lipstick. It felt strangely odd, but nice, as she applied the make-up.

“Now go like this,” Laura said and then sucked her lips in and smacked her mouth up and down to blot the makeup.

I followed suit and soon my lips were a light red that made it look like I spent the last hour drinking cherry Kool-aid.

“Perfect.”

“I agree,” I said as I saw my reflection once again. Though I looked like a girl before we started with the tiara and the make-up, now it was almost impossible to believe that I ever looked like a boy.

“Let’s go show your aunt before the rest of the company arrives. I hope she likes it.”

“Me too,” I said as I hopped of the chair and then skipped out the room.

I cautiously made my way down the stairs and stood in front of my aunt. “Excuse me,” I said politely as my Aunt was still talking to Sandra as Paul had gone off to talk with his brother.

My aunt looked down at me; it took a moment of scrutiny before a smile came on her face.

“Do you like it?’

“Katie, you certainly do look the little princess today and I love it,” she said, knowing that I was soaking up the compliments.

“I feel like a princess,” I announced.

“And you like that,” Sandra piped in. “Don’t you?”

“I most certainly do.”

The two women gave each other a knowing glance as I beamed with pride.

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Author's note: I don't know about this story any more, it doesn't appear to be too popular and maybe i ventured off into an area I should've kept to myself. I wrote a little more and I'm thinking there are two more chapters to come, hopefully I will be done by Friday. Tearfully yours, Katie.

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