Powdered Sugar.

I’m sitting in the window at the local café here up in this place called Harbor Springs. I so don’t belong in a place like this. I mean I’m sort of starting to get used to these things I guess. But this is Adam territory, Well April’s from up near here but this is a resort town, they call it that themselves and it looks like, well nothing I‘ve ever known. I‘m not used to streets like these people smiling and all happy like Prozac is in the water. It‘s brick sidewalks and decorations and nice cars and houses and cottages that run very likely into the millions….still very much Adam’s turf.

The Hampton’s for Michigan.

We’re up here to see someone though I never thought that I’d see ever again. My maternal grandparents. I scratch absently at my bra there ought to be a handbook for being a girl y’know. I could’ve used a whole chapter of … “So, you’re growing boobs.” Uhm here’s one, the breast cream for itching isn’t all that effective once you’re nervous and sweating, it rubs off. Here’s another one I didn’t really even think about breasts…sweat.

And itch and hurt and need to be adjusted every once in awhile.

Sigh….

Alex likes them though, and he’s been teaching me to like them more and more. He’s been teaching me to like myself more and more. That’s still hard sometimes.

The coffee’s good and I’m actually enjoying watching the little bit of snow in the air. And the chill. I hate the cold but it’s given me this excuse to wear my leggings and this sort of hippy styled layered skirt that comes down to mid calf and this really great cashmere sweater that April gave me. It was one of her’s from school and while it’s big on me it’s in that baggy good way.

We’ve gotten a lot closer since the shit that happened at Thanksgiving.

And that all ended up with us coming up here. Adam of all people had found out where my grandparents lived and that they were still alive. He even drove us up here. Alex is still recovering so Adam drove.

It was actually kind of nice driving in the Lincoln Adam and April in the front talking while I relaxed and semi-slept in Alex’s arms up the way up both of us actually listening to Christmas songs together sharing ear-buds from his I-pod.

I fell asleep twice safe and warm and protected and woke up the same way. I’ve needed the sleep.

I’m just people watching waiting for April who’s been shopping and Adam and Alex have been sorting a place to stay for us out. I mean I’m Hunter, not William. I don’t even remember them. God I’m so nervous and scared.

And this time of year too.

I hated Christmas, I hated the whole season with an effing vengeance because I never had any of it. No loving family, no big meal, unless I could get into one of the ones set up by the charity folks.

More often then not I wouldn’t because it still hurt. It felt like they where spicing the food with being all once a year bullshit and sanctimony.

Peace on earth good will towards men.

It’s good it’s a window seat because I pull my legs up on myself and hold tight to my mug and try to hang on. It’s hard y’know. I still get flashbacks of my childhood.

………………………….. The apartments were always so crappy, two of them I thing we were actually squatting in and there’d be holes in the drywall and cracks in the ceiling and the windows were that drafty I’d wake up completely under the covers of my shitty tore up patched sheets and blankets and see my breath, it hurt to wake up like that and instead of Christmas like the other kids.

We’d get some food and stuff from some charity if there was one that didn’t ask questions. Cliff my step-father or as I like to call him the steps hit would take the turkey or the Ham that might have fed us for a week so him and Mom could have a score of crystal and whatever they could get in the way of booze.

Most kids got to wake up warm and smelling breakfast mixed with Christmas cooking smells.

Me, I was lucky enough to wake up so cold it hurts and then the smell of old moldy building, over-full ashtrays, spilled cheap beer and wine plus the rubber meets cough med smell of Meth and the pungent scent of cheap weed. Sometimes sex, sometimes puke, sometimes both.

Just another day really except for the fact that there seemed to be some wall or something that kept us away from everything everyone else ever had.

Unless…we had scored something, Cliff pulled a job or Mom hooked a lot that day or days so that they were all set for drugs and booze. There was even some stuff in the house and we even had a tree once…

I can’t keep the image and the memory out of my head.

Six years old and we were flush that year and Cliff was drunk off his ass on his favorite Christmas treat. He thought it was effing witty to get smashed on Wild Turkey as his Jewday dinner.

He had stole us a tree that year the first one I’d ever seen. I wouldn’t leave it alone or the pretty ornaments on it and he got mad but that high twisted funny mad.

“Billy, Billy come here.”

“Wha?”

“You like this shit, the shiny balls and stuff/”

“yea..”

“Tell you a secret.”

“Wha?”

“The red ones, they’re really candies.”

He took one off the crappy tree and smiled at me and I could smell the whiskey on his breath. “Here, Billy-boy, open up.”

“’Kay.”

“Bite.”

It didn’t taste like candy; it tasted like a cup or plate? I saw him get that scary crazy look in his eyes and he pointed his finger at me. “Bite.”

I shook my head no.

He grabbed my arm and his cigar and started to put it out on my upper arm.

I bit.

…………………………. I rub the scar still there though my sweater and run my tongue over the fine scars in my mouth that I’ve usually forgotten about. I take a sip to get the remembered taste of blood out of my mouth.

This’ll be my first real Christmas.

I’m staring out the window try not to let those days rip where I’m at apart. It’s a fight y’know, everyday there’s something there touching the years of abuse I somehow survived. No not somehow, Alex. Alex saved my life and my soul. I close my eyes and try to let it go and let the ghosts of my Christmases past drift away like the steam from my drink.

“Hey Sweetie you okay?”

There’s only one person who calls me that and that’s April and I try to smile at her when I look up and I can’t help the two big fat tears that roll out of my eyes.

“No, not really. I’m scared shitless and that’s bringing up a lot of past memories.”

“I can’t even imagine all the stuff you went through honey. I was never around stuff like that but you’re safe here. You’re Mom, Cliff they can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I know but it’s still there, it’s like those days are engraved into me. I’ve got the scars enough from it all.”

April sets down the large double armload of the shopping bags and pro-wrapped goodies she came in with and she sits beside me and she sweeps me into a hug. I hug her back and sigh. She’s been the closest thing to a real mother as I’ll ever have and as different as we are she’s a real sweetheart and I do love her.

“Scars don’t matter Hunter, they show rather that you survived, that there is something or a lot of somethings about you that was worth fighting for.”

“Thanks…mom…”

She hugs me tighter in one of those squee hugs. I’ve called her that a few times before and stuff and really meant it each time but it’s hard. It’s hard to open up that space in me where a mother would be in her child’s heart.

April’s not blood but she’s so much more that my mother ever was or would be. The things that she did to me, the things that she let get done to me. It’s something I’ve asked over and over again.

What Kind of Mother would treat her own child that way? Where the only kindness and love she’d ever give out was predicated on how stoned she was or what I could do for her and her life. When I didn’t satisfy her twisted self agenda she’d cast me aside after she made sure that I hurt in some way just for the… the fact that her life was inconvenienced

I’ll never get an answer, and now I just don’t want one.

“I’m scared that they’re going to freak out. I mean they barely new me and I don’t even remember them but they knew me when I was their grandson not their grand daughter.”

“Adam said the P.I.’s thought that they were good people.”

“He hired people to investigate my grandparents?” I can’t help the facepalming I’m still myself no matter how I’ve changed and at this point stuff like that’s reflexive. I really should not be surprised. It’s Adam and he and I have had a really rough history together.

As much as the man maddens me and I want to slap him sometimes I still love that jackass.

I curl up a bit more in my seat. “Coffee’s good, It’s kind of shi-shi even compared to Starbucks stuff.”

“It’s the town honey; around here in places like this a five dollar coffee is normal.”

I watch as April does this hair-flip-look-over her shoulder at the counter thing and then starts to show me some of the “Deals” and it happens, that weird money language thing while people are getting served at the counter a barista comes over to wait on her.

Like she’s got some kind of rich person Jedi mind trick going on. She gets her order and tips a tenner and we go back to looking through the stuff she got and we finish our drinks and she hauls me to my feet. “Come on, we need to go shopping some more.”

“Some more?”

“Yes there’s a lot of stuff we need c’mon Hunter…please…” She pouts at me. Dammit, I hate when she does that and we leave her stuff there at the coat check.

Yeah I know a coffee shop with a coat check. Yes I checked my coat. I’m wearing one of those big fluffy quilted pink ski coats and a white knit cap. Oh…Oh…I have this thing about heat, I’m still skinny but It’s not just everything I’ve been through it’s genetics, I’ve got a lot of Scandinavian blood I guess and that has me skinny…but after my life and living in places where there’d be snow silting through cracks into the apartment I really love to be warm.

They have this small hot water register under where the coats hang and my coat is so yummy and toasty warm. It makes me feel better, cheerful and safe even. And I head out shopping with April again, well again for her and not me.

I feel so much better when it’s not gratuitous girl heavy clothing shopping. We’re actually buying things for decorations and ornaments for Christmas. There’s so many and there’s a huge price on some of these things but I’m trying to get past the guilt of the money we’re spending and just actually try to enjoy buying these things that are so pretty to me.

I love these little inch wide snowflake glass ornaments and I’m more for the white on red for colored balls and we get lots of those and these lights and we get these red tea candle in red glasses that are string light but are those flickering candles and we get real candles and we buy for Christmas and it’s fun.

It’s actually kind of nice when I let myself enjoy it. It’s nice not to be judged just walking into a store and nice to be able to just buy whatever we want. I’m not going to want supper though. There’s all these shops like you’d see like in Europe or something that have these samples out.

Dirty buggers.

It’s learning too. There’s still so much I’ve never tried. Some I like, some I don’t.

I’m not a fan of roasted chestnuts, or caviar, I really don’t like caviar, or the snails at the French places. I like some of the cheeses and some are…ick… “I think I smelled something like this in a few of the places I lived in.” I’m not a fan of coconut either or the suckers and stuffed pastries at some of these places.

I liked the liver spread on the toast though.

And these crunchy cumquats and cranberries that are dipped raw in this cherry flavored hard sugar you get candy mixed with the sharp fruits, those sort of tiny orangey things are really Christmassy to me.

Don’t like minced meat, but I love the smell of it though.

I like chocolate, I really love chocolate. Just no fruit cream okay? My favorites are these hand made “Turtles” with real scotch in the butterscotch caramel, the nuts are hazelnuts and there’s a sprinkle of those fancy salts on top.

I’m laughing and giggling as April and I bought a dozen but we never got them out of the store. Well sugar buzzed we shopped for some Christmas outfits. Red satin slinky wear, those little Mrs. Claus dresses, the fishnets and the caps and even some cutesy bed clothes and Pj’s. April’s a high end girl even on those things and me? I get flannel, and soft stuff to wear.

I am a better cook though but I’m also taking culinary at school, it’s not just Home Ec. It just wasn’t fair that Alex did most of the cooking.

We run into the guys at the place where you get Christmas trees. Alex…Ow…..My Heart…just seeing him makes my inside aches and warm and feel like my whole body is hugging itself just seeing him.

Have you ever felt that, that hugging yourself, crying inside happy, hard to breathe feeling when you see you’re soul mate, the love of your life?

Tall and handsome with that long dark brown hair and those chocolate-coffee-silk eyes of his he’s so beautiful really. I don’t mean like girl beautiful but really guy beautiful. He’s like…there’s really nothing in my life like him. Jeans and a plaid shirt over one of the t-shirts I bought him….just plain cotton but this earthy brown that just goes with his looks but so much more than that…I bought them for him, and he’s wearing them. Work boots with loose laces and one of those old green army jackets…and he’s still wearing my black knit cap.

I love him so much it hurts and he saved my life and he saved my soul. I was this damaged little ghost lost and wandering through life not really living, not really being seen. It’s Alex… He took something broken and gave it soul, like he does with his art.

He looks up and sees me and there’s that second of where he’s just looking and them there’s the smile. It shines in his eyes before it comes out on his face and he does that guy glide big cat thing guys can seem to do and right there in front of all the people it the tree lot he kisses me.

And not just a little PDA kiss but walking up and taking my chin in one hand and tilting my head up and the other brushes away a few strands of my hair away and tucks it behind my ear and I can smell the evergreen on his fingers and then he kisses me.

Kisses me long enough for me to wrap my arms around his neck and shoulders and my left foot does that little lift off the ground.

People are looking and I don’t care, there’s smiles and nudges and I do care, this is me and I’m in love with him and I really do want everyone to know that.

He makes me shine inside like the Christmas star.

We break the kiss and the four of us shop for the trees and wreaths and holly and mistletoe and all the stuff I never had before. Really in a way this is my first Christmas.

It’s still so strange sipping another hot chocolate with a candy cane in it with April as the guys do the work. I mean I could help but I’m not strong enough to really do a lot with the tree and honestly we’d sort of get in the way with men getting in the zone.

Between the plant stuff, all the shopping bags and us we can barely get into the Lincoln and we drive out of town but only about a mile before going through a gate and down this dirt lane.

The lane takes my breath away.

It’s just getting towards dark and there these hardwood trees and pines lining the lane with about every ten yards this black painted wrought iron street lights and there’s just this sort of light haze in the air from the fog off the lake and just that and the kiss of snow on the trees and the ground is just.

Sometimes there really is magic right?

“Oh Alex this is beautiful…I’ve never seen anything like this before…”

“Yeah, me neither, I can so paint this, it’s just so…”

“You’re not going to be painting all of our vacation Alex, It’s…It’s our first Christmas together…I have plans.” Adam says as he’s driving.

“No, I’m not going to paint all the time…I’ve got plans too Dad.”

“Guys…” April and I both warn them.

“Fine…” They both say it at the same time to but instead of me and April see that as a bonding thingy I’m sure they’re a bit frowny over it.

I know, they’re far from being all lovey dovey and Hallmark about each other but they’ve come a long way.

We pull out of the lane into this clearing beside the lake shore itself and my breath catches in my throat. The first thing I notice is the lake, its sort of Lake Michigan but we’re also on the channel? I’m not really sure where Lake Michigan stops and where Lake Huron starts.

But we’re just far enough out of town that there’s nothing there blocking the view of the water and it’s small waves and that blue grey color that is the lakes in December. Add it the big fluffy snowflakes falling down and I’m enchanted by the scene.

There’s a big barn there and a dock that goes out quite a ways into the water and it has a gazebo thing build on the end of it and I’m thinking that this place would be really nice in the summer too.

Then there’s the house and it’s stunning. It’s a three story brown stone house like from god knows how long ago and it’s none of that red brick made stuff but the big red sandstone blocks that are like six inches tall and like a foot long and rough on the outside but also made noble and beautiful by the wearing and smoothing of time. Big steps in the front and from what we can see a brick landing or patio off the back with more steps that would lead to the backyard and the dock.

The lights are on and there’s these gas lamp looking outdoor lights and there’s tall electric candles sitting in all the windows of the house and icicle lights hanging from the eaves and again add it the look of the fresh falling snow everywhere.

“I feel like Cinderella arriving at the prince’s ball.”

Adam huffs and April sighs and Alex chuckles. “So Dad does that make you the horse or the coachman?

“Alex…” I whack him on his good arm. “Behave…” I’m not mad he made a joke and Adam and he have been doing this back and forth for awhile now.

……………………………………..We got out and unpacked after a few hours and the boys are out of our hair with our little project that we had come up with or mostly April had she knew about where we were going to be staying and while her and I unpacked and trimmed the tree and made supper they would take the lights that we had bought in town and run them all the way down the dock and to do the gazebo. That’s a lot of lights and it’s a job that they have to do together. (Maniacal laugh.)

We’re staying home tonight; the scary stuff is going to happen tomorrow night. We’ve gotten invited to my grandparent’s house for supper. I take a hot shower…this place has a shower that is huge with two showerheads and the wand thing which is very enjoyable.

I get right into my Pj’ bottoms and they’re not the sexy sultry stuff that a lot of girls would wear. Mine are pink and yes I like the color okay but they are Eyor the donkey from Winnie the Pooh at X-mas and I forgo my bra and opt for a men’s medium sized old Black Sabbath t-shirt and a black Santa hat.

I’m really enjoying the heat and helping make supper or well I’m making supper and April is helping. I’m actually not doing too much but we have KFC that I brought with us from town (My favorite meal) and since it’s Christmas I’m sort of making the extra’s I’ve gone without so I can eat anything really but I’m making homemade mashed potatoes and My own gravy for the chicken and April is helping me make the coleslaw…really delicately. I really don’t like the creamy sort of green thing you get from them. Mine is grated carrots and cabbage with some yellow zucchini a diced hot pepper usually just a single jalapeno and grated granny smith apple. I don’t use a lot of mayo either. And yes…coleslaw HAS to have mayo in it. Anything else you’re eating salad.

It’s also kind of a smiley moment for me when Alex comes in and get a thermos and he fills it most of the way with hot coffee and the rest of the way with Teacher’s highland cream and heads out into the night to get the lights set up with Adam.

I even watched them a bit through the back door and they didn’t seem to be killing each other. Though there is some swearing involved just not at each other but what they’re doing. I’ll admit to a certain amount of girly giggling watching Adam dance pace in a circle holding his hand and shaking it after whacking it with the hammer.

It actually doesn’t take the boys that long to set up the lights really…only like three hours. (Grins.)

The guys are wet from the falling snow, a bit chilled and they have a bit of a buzz on from the coffee and booze. We pamper them with more special coffees and I have one myself with coffee and Irish cream only we make our a bit…I make a latte with the machine only there’s the espresso shot just a bit of real cream to cut the fact the rest on mine is Irish cream and a bit of that Teachers.
Yes I’m drinking and since I’m not going anywhere tonight and it’s getting late I can indulge myself a little bit. Besides after the first two or three sips giving me a case of the pointy nipples it’s really quite yummy.

I only have the one though after the kick it has sinks in and April and I put on the Christmas tunes and happily dance to them while setting the table. The guys come down showered and changed and warmed up.

Alex is just wearing a pair of black karate pants. You know the ones with the boxing trunk waist and the silk or nylon material. They hug his good parts in a way that makes my good parts get all Dot Warner over him.

We eat and we ask them how things went outside and they’re just buzzed enough they’re not their usual stoic selves and April and I nod and laugh at the funny parts and there are funny parts like when they’re imitating each other.

I love watching them eat too. It’s a sexist kinda way of evaluating myself but the way that they devour the food is sorta like this little thumbs up in my girly department even if I didn’t do much past reheating things.

I did make desert. I made apple pie. It wasn’t hard to make either. I’m pretty good at the crust thing you just got to remember to keep everything cold. So I use ice water when making the dough with some lemon juice and frozen butter that I grated into the flour. Oh and I use cake flour, it’s not as strong so you get a flakier crust. My filling is out of the can with another two peeled fresh apples in it and my secret for that Huh…flavor. Some salt and a tablespoon of molasses. By the time you stir both into the canned stuff it’s hidden. I serve it warm with ice cream for me and April. The guys they both our microwaved Cheese-whiz over theirs. I’ve never seen cheese anything used on pie before those two.

But seeing them both do that and them seeing them both do that is one of those bonding things. They’re as alike as they are different really. As much as they butt heads they’re really a lot alike. I’m wondering though if this is a lot of what father’s and sons are naturally supposed to be like?

The guys actually do the dishes and talk a bit. Adam looks over at me at one point frowning and there’s this look. I catch this mutter as I get my books and laptop of “Goddamn Cliff.” I’m not sure what Alex told him about back then but Adam’s pissed about it.

I’m fighting between happy tears because he cares even if in his own way and the countless memories that want to jump me even here in this place.

PTSD I guess. It’s like you get into something so fucked up and wrong that it shouldn’t be part of your life that they take on energy of their own. Like on all those shows about ghosts being there because of stuff that killed them. But it’s memories. And they jump you these memories like they’ve got to feed on you freaking out again to stay alive. You get better in time. More like learning mental self defense really. That’s what getting your head on straight’s about. Honestly getting help, therapy, shrink or even a support group, family, friends and lovers are all things to help your emotional kung-fu. But they’re still there, and just like now they’re still trying to jump me…

Deep breath, close my eyes hear them around me, smell the tree and the cooking smells, feel being warm…That’s not me anymore, it was me. I’m happy and safe and loved. Adam’s there and he…he hugs me with this I get it look and this softer expression and he looks so much like Alex when his fuck you I’m an asshole shields aren’t up. “C’mon I’ll give you a hand.”

I settle into my school work and yeah I know it’s Christmas break but I’m serious about getting killer grades. So I’m reading ahead, taking all the college track courses and also studying on the side from Adam’s old textbooks from when he was in law school.

Yeah…I’m going to be a lawyer. There’s so much I can do with a law degree. So much I want to do. Adam’s playing at being both judge and prof to me. He writes me out hypothetic cases for me to look up. Then I have to write briefs for and argue the points.

I like that part. He does too because he gets to be a smug ass and shoot me down at every opportunity but when I honestly get something through the feeling of winning is just.

I’m not sticking at any one thing either. I’ve got a year and change before university and lots of time between then to figure out what kind of law I might get into. Adam say’s this is great practice for him too. That he hasn’t gone over some of this stuff for years. He’s even taken on a few cases out of his normal box of business law.

While we’re doing that April is wrapping presents and stuff and Alex is side ways in the love seat sketch pad out and all those bewildering amount of pencils and stuff around him. He has one in his mouth, anther behind his right ear and a whole bunch in this pile on the other end of the coffee table with is twenty odd other sketch books. I can’t help but stare at him, draped like that, just the karate pants and the rest bare skin, tanned with all that muscle but he’s so artistic and soulful that the combo just makes me ache. Adam makes me get back to studying before I “start drooling” over the pages and I keep it up for an hour before I’m yawning.

“Okay Hunter you’re done.” Adam says as I break the five rule. That’s when you’re doing stuff like this and you yawn like five times or more you’re brain is done. Stuff just won’t stick. It’s sort of true too. But it’s advise from a parent that makes it special even if he’s not, just…I wish It wasn’t still scaring me to call him Dad.

He get’s up and I put my books away and go over and push Alex forward. Okay…he sits forward because if not I’d never budge him. I’ve tried. I climb into the love seat behind him and let him lean back against me as he’d drawing and sketching and sip a leg around him as he’s in the zone and press my breasts against his back as I watch him from over his shoulder. He really does things that amaze me with what he draws. He’s making money too. He’s sold some of his stuff in a gallery April is connected with and he’s selling stuff at Wired and he’s also designing some tattoos for a place I know and submitting other stuff to other places. He sold a picture with dragons and racing motorcycles to some science fiction magazine. It’s for the inside but they still sent him a cheque for three hundred bucks. Money, it’s greatly appeasing Adam’s misgivings about the whole thing too.

I get into watching him draw it’s like watching him bring life out of that page. It’s amazing and it’s a Christmas picture with Santa crouched in some old apartment and instead of presents he’s putting canned goods from his bag to the cupboard and his elves are like fairies helping him and carrying cans and there’s some in the background killing cockroaches with spears and old saint nick looks not jolly but determined…I’ve never seen anything like it and there’s tears there because…It hurts and it’s sweet both and it really tugs at you.

When he’s done it’s late and he sets his stiff aside and turns his head and gives me this long slow deep over the shoulder kiss while wiping away those tears. That soon turns to necking then that leads to me being swept up into his arms and carried off to our room.

We put some music on before we start necking again and stripping each other. We have our own flash drive with all these amazing songs to make love to.

I really recommend doing that. It’s something that’s both of you and curling up together necking as you download the whole mixed tape is really great, really romantic quality time too.

God it’s good, it’s always good. It’s amazing really. The way I love Alex mixed in with the feelings of right now and the hormones running on wild teenager trying to catch up levels takes me to this point of there’s nothing as perfect making me cum because their so…

There’s so much I can say about my breasts and how they make me feel while making love. I love how they react to Alex, to the sweet loving attention. I swoon and overload sexually as my achy, really sensitive still growing breasts are soothed and aroused at the same time. There’s no way I can really get into just how perfect the feeling of his body heat through his hands is or being touched like that and his mouth on my achy nipples. It gets me off…every time.

Then there’s the sex. It’s just, just …I lose myself in it so much there’s just something so in the back of my brain about taking him inside of me. Alex has a really large piece of equipment and there’s a kinky little part of my boy self/side that like the pornograficness of my little body being able to be take all of Alex into me.

I love our love making. I enjoy being the bottom and being all womanly, the femme part of me loving the man he is being the man. But then there’s me on top and that’s my girl power side. I make love but lose myself in a whole other way. Home I get Alex to hang onto the bed frame and I hold onto his arms getting so turned on by how hard and defined his arms are. I’m so into him…There is nothing like kissing and licking his abs and chest and letting my fingers play over the hard sculpted muscles and then sinking down onto him making me cry out every time but…more…it’s hanging onto him by his biceps and feeling that power in him. It’s using my hair to feather tease him. It’s grazing my nipples and breasts over his skin to his mouth.

All that me being in control mixes with all Alex’s restrained power in his body it mixes with my other parts and by the time I have had an orgasm or two I want that power, I want to be taken and for Alex to really take me to that super intense place where we are just so deeply in love but it’s all about the sex.

It’s the way we really are in the big sexual/loving moments of our day/nights.

I’m in that place after making love where the wild horses live. That’s what love making and the good feelings and excitement is to me…I feel like I’m a wild horse that just ran with the wind. I’m settling into that afterglow as Alex wraps the blankets around us tighter and spoons with me.

I just lay there for awhile soaking in it all and then he hugs me a little tighter and just says so softly into my ear.

“Hunter….Hunter…You’re the reason in the world that why songs like. ‘In The Arms of an Angel’ get written.”……Then he gently kisses the back of my neck.

Ow……..yay…..My Heart.

“Alex?”

“Mmmm…” god it’s like a cat purring both from his lips on my neck and the sound from his chest.

“You do know that song is about suicide right?”

“I was dead inside before I met you Hunter.” His voice is soft but there’s a something there that knowing Alex and the hurt he was carrying that’s very scary in how it was true.

And might have been worse.

“Alex…..”

“Yeah….”

“Thanks for being My Angel….”

He just nods a few times against the back of my neck but his arms get even tighter as he’s not just holding me but he’s holding onto me. I don’t care if he leaves bruises from that it’s Alex and he’s holding me like he’ll never let me go.

There’s nothing in the world better than this.

………………………………...................... We make love again in the morning. Alex wakes with a hard on every morning and as if it hasn’t become just a part of our lives that I love because it’s well it’s fun. (Blushing grins) but it’s waking after our lovemaking feeling him around me, holding me, loving me and keeping me safe. It makes me love him so much more and more.

And I love the feeling afterwards. Then it’s his really quick get the sex smell off shower and him getting ready for his morning run. While he’s gone I take a soak in the tub and then get dressed for the day. We do the same thing today because…because if… if I think too much about today…this afternoon I’ll get wigged out.

I get dressed in his shirt from last night and my jammy bottoms and head to the laundry with our sheets and clothes then head to the kitchen. I start the coffee and then make the juice and get the rest of it on.

Bacon by itself and then I make hash brows with a bunch of baking potatoes skin on cut into cubes. Use a baking potato because they’re the best to fry because they are all starchy and they get really crispy. I box grate and onion and add that to the pan and because Adam’s an Irish guy I open a can of corned beef and make diner-styled corned beef hash. I like it too and I make a pile of waffles. They have a great big huge waffle maker here in the place. The rest is pretty easy like toast band stuff and the smells bring April and Adam down and Alex is soon to follow. April lends me a hand and we drink coffee and girl bond over having that same look in the morning.

The guys too, there’s just something there that is just perfect in this talking and really about nothing, the weather and Alex’s jog down the shore and the scenery and how nice the house here is and the guys going out to split some firewood for tonight in the barn and what baking I’m going to be doing and it’s just nice, some winter sun in through the windows.

It’s just so nice.

It get’s even better when Jen and Cindy show up bags in tow and luggage and there’s a bunch of yay hugging and me sitting them down to some breakfast and suddenly it’s family.

I have family and Jen and Cindy are really good to have there in my corner today. I’m still getting used to Cindy’s look now. It’s really good to see her eating and smiling too. She looked really bad not that long ago, I hope that’s a good sign.

We actually turn on song Christmas rock after the dishes and the guys go out to chop wood and shovel snow so the first thing I get on is the slow cookers together April and I bought like five of them and we make or get on the mulled wine and apple cider and a simmering one of coco. That way you just have to use the ladle to get yourself a cup or a mug when ever you want. I make a pot of chili in the next one with a few twists like using ground turkey instead of beef, and a packet of unsweetened dried cranberries and some Italian sausage with some extra toasted fennel seeds in there. Number five is just chicken soup. Some chicken breasts cubed and browned in butter after tossing them in flour. Chicken stock and a grated bit of carrot, onion and celery, salt, pepper, sage and thyme.

I know it’s a lot but it’s Christmas. And there’s just something special about having all this stuff especially when I’ve never had it and Jen’s only ever had catered Christmas’s and this is really important for us.

We get to baking. All of this is new to us so there’s a bit of trial and error and we start small. Cookies and biscuits and cornbread them we get into making pies. Apple, strawberry real frozen berries and some jam with Jell-O mix and lemon from the packet with some real juice and zest and I try my hand at my own take on minced meat. I use the stuff from a jar but in a pot I brown bacon cut up until it’s crispy then break up some of those pre-cooked pot roasts and then some garlic, minced onion, chopped granny smith apples and a bit of nutmeg then a shot of rum then the stuff from the jar.

I make a test one and get the guys to try it. Alex had one piece then before his dad could go for another he picked up the pie plate and walked away with it.

God that felt good.

Then it was lunch far too soon.

I didn’t eat much and spent the time packing some baking for them and working myself up until we headed out to go to my maternal grandparent’s place. It was this terrifying drive. I kept seeing these places, these ultra rich homes and thinking what if…waiting for the car to turn down some lane into a place that mom fled because she couldn’t live like some rich floosie and wanted to be a dancer more than a debutante.

Ha…yeah…That was a nice little romantic bit of fiction.

I’m surprised when we left town to drive through the countryside and that wakes me out of the funk and fear until we’re about a few miles from town and turn down this country lane. You know one of those places with the three rails high fences of old grey wood that line each side of the lane and the fields are just covered in just enough snow that the pale grass is jutting through and I’m glues to the window a moment as a bunch of horses race the car as we drive down the lane kicking up the snow.

We pull into this old farm with two big barns and this great big farmhouse with a wrap around deck all decorated with boughs and wreaths and the yard is full of cars.

I’m getting into that nervous panic mode when Alex hugs me close and points out this banner of big letters on bristol board and balloons….saying…oh god… “Welcome home Billy.” my boy name…oh god, oh crap.

“It’s okay we can do this.”

Then there’s people coming out on the deck and we pull to a stop. It’s so scary and tense and I’m crying a bit as we get out of the Lincoln and I’ve got my arms full until April takes things from me and Alex takes my hand and I’m walking a little like a zombie to the house and the people. There’s this older woman there dressed in a dress like right out of the fifties and a opened but button up hoody and there’s an older man holding her hand…I see a couple of kids my age, and some older and some younger but there’s…one who could be my brunette twin except taller and bigger boobs but yeah skinny like me, and my face. Resemblances…there’s a bit of that dead pause with them realizing that I’m not a boy.

The older lady looks at me. “So what do you call yourself honey?”

“Hu…Hunter Ma’am.”

“Oh honey it’s not Ma’am it’s Grandma.?”

“Really…you…don’t hate me…? Because I’m not….Billy….”

“No, honey…No we love, you no matter what we’re just glad to have our grandbaby back.”

Then she’s crying and I’m crying and everyone’s crying and hugging and there’s this chaos of everyone hugging, and introducing themselves and we all end up inside. It’s still chaotic adding in cats and dogs and littler kids. I’m swamped by the fact I have…have family.

My stuff I brought it taken into this dining room where the biggest table I’ve ever seen was and it’d full of stuff everyone else brought too. Time seems to fly as we talk and I catch them up on the things in my life.

Honestly. Honestly I’m in shock. There’s just so much going on and then there’s someone who comes in…he arrives late…short blonde hair and black t-shirt and jeans and an FBI jacket carrying a box of doughnuts and eating one he slows right down and I see him staring at the sign out side.

My chest is can’t breathe tight.

He runs into the house. “Billy!, Billy…!”

People don’t know what’s going on and I…I…don’t either.

I somehow walked into the kitchen and stare at him.

He’s staring at me.

“Her name’s Hunter, Will.”

“But, she’s mine…right…my…Billy.”

“Yes Will but she’s….”

“Yeah, I know she’s Hunter that doesn’t matter…nothing matters…I’ve got…I’ve got her back…My Daughter.” He cut her off moving through the hall and the kitchen until he gets to me and……

I’m running to him…I don’t know, I don’t know it’s….

You always see Miracles at Christmas on TV but...this...

He pulls me into him tight, so tight it hurts and we’re both in tears and I press my face into his chest not caring that the powdered sugar from his shit is sticking to my face….

“Hi....Daddy.”