Set in the backdrop of Tennessee during the American Civil War, a young, underage soldier is separated from his unit after a fierce battle. While trying to locate them, he inadvertently stumbles into mortal danger on a very dark and quiet evening. With nowhere to run, Jeremy must learn to accept the changes that have been wrought upon his body... changes that may prevent him from ever returning home again!

Chapter 9

The sun shone brightly through the window, birds singing just outside in the trees. I heard a movement nearby that caused me to turn my head slightly, and I noticed it was Keeza busying herself about the grand room. She turned abruptly and smiled, "I see you is up, Mrs. Sarah. I'll be getting you something to eat here in a jiffy as soon as I gets your clothes laid out."

I rolled toward the nearby window, "Don't bother. I don't feel much like leaving this room. In fact, I'm never going outside again!"

"Oh come now, child, you needs to be up and moving around for the baby's sake." She turned and faced the bed, placing fat hands on her wide hips.

I let my eyes trail down the bed to where my stomach was hidden under the mass of great covers and quilts, "Don't remind me, Keeza." I could hear the click, click of Miss Lilly's cane as she approached from the hallway. Keeza smiled at her when she entered the room.

"How is Sarah today?" she asked the matronly black who stood and smiled, pointing toward the bed. "Ah, I see you are awake!"

I frowned at her smiling, wrinkled face and turned my back toward both of them, "I do not wish for visitors, Keeza. Please ask her to leave!"

The old woman gave a short laugh and slowly approached the bed from behind my back. I felt her hand lovingly touch the back of my head, slowly stroking my hair until she stopped at the top of the great pile of quilts. With one sudden movement of her frail little hand, she deposited the lot of them on the floor at the end of the large bed. "Time for sulking is over, you need to accept your status and learn to live the life that has been given you!"

I rolled over quickly and sat up, "You did this to me... you witch! How can you expect me to accept a life not of my own choosing?" I touched my chest with my slender fingers, "I should be lying out there in that cold grave, not inside here as a vessel to a child that I never conceived! I don’t want to be this…this female!"

The old woman stared at me with fire in her eyes, her jaw flexed in anger. She seemed about to explode, but then she regained control of her actions, took a deep breath and quietly replied, "Child, what is done, is done." She then pointed her bony finger toward the slight swell in my middle, "What will be, will be." She turned and my eyes followed her to the dresser where she picked up a small hand mirror, and slowly returned back to the bed. Holding it out to where I was forced to look at the lovely face I was now stuck with, "What is...IS," she said with finality, her jaw set, and her mouth firm.

I snatched it from her hand and was prepared to throw it across the room, but she stopped my hand by gently touching my arm with the end of her cane. "That child you carry can't help what has been done to you. The child doesn't know your warmth from the old Sarah; to it, you will be always be Mother. Can't you accept this new life... for that little one's sake?"

I gently tossed the mirror to the end of the bed, little tears danced down my cheeks. "What about ME? What about the family that I left back in Indiana? I have a mother! I have a father! What about them? Who will tell them that their son is now a girl from Clarksville, Tennessee? Who will explain that he now carries a child in a womb that has no business being inside his body?"

The old woman's expression softened, and slowly she sank to the bed. "We exhumed your old body up just two days ago. It was sent back to your family in Indiana; to them, you have died in a battle, here in Tennessee." I buried my face into my hands, my body racked with the sobs of my own finality, knowing that I might never again set foot upon the gentle rolling fields of my boyhood home. My head sank, and tears fell against my blanket.

She touched my cheek, forcing my face to look back at her. "You would have died anyway, just as Sarah did. By surrendering your life force, you gave her child a chance at life as well. Your life force gave an old woman back her daughter and gave you a body to go on living as well. Accept what the good Lord has given you... and move on."

"But it's not my body!" I cried. "She has a family that I have never met! How will they ever understand what has happened to the girl who I now am?" I spoke as I stood, gingerly crossing the room, toward the mirror. "How can I be someone I'm not?" I pointed at my reflection as I looked between the two older women.

"We will help you, child, we will teach you," the old woman quietly but firmly replied.

I stood transfixed between the two, my bottom lip quivering. The big black woman gently approached as if I were a rabid animal, "Here, Sarah dear, let's get you dressed." In a dazed stupor, I let them dress me. They buried me under copious amounts of material, and a frilly, shimmering gown. I was trapped! So depressed was I now that I let them have their way with me, until I was standing there again facing the mirror with a long braid wound across and pinned up into the flaxen hair that this... Sarah possessed.

"Come child; let us show you your home." The large black gently guided me into the hall and down a wide curving ornate stairs. We passed a thin elderly black fellow standing at the bottom of the stairs, who nodded in respect as we floated by. I studied his eyes as we passed, so familiar was his face, I paused and turned for a second look back at him.

"Ma'am?" he said looking my way. "Is there something you need me to do, Ma'am?"

I looked at Miss Lilly, who spoke. "No, Teddy, Mrs. Sarah is just having a spell. Run along and find something to do." The man nodded and quickly left the room.

I watched him go through the door, and as it gently shut, I realized where I had seen him before. "He was the man that stood with you... talking to the bearded man in the buggy!" I hesitated and pointed after the closing door, Mrs. Lilly shot a quick glance at the large black standing on the other side of me. "Is he the one who killed me?" I gasped, still staring at the closed door.

"No child, he's the one who found you near the barn." The old woman replied. Deep down, I felt sure she was lying.

Chapter 10

It had been three months since I was placed into the body of Sarah, three months of watching my slowly expanding mid-section swell with child. Gradually, I was allowed to wander across the property. Even though I experienced this minute bit of freedom, I was constantly shadowed by Rose, a young black female slave. I felt as though I was a prisoner in my own grand home, unable to ever leave it again.

I stepped lightly across the thin veneer of snow, softly lying upon the ground. In just a few days it would be Christmas, and I paused at the old family grave plot. There were names of family members whom I had never known; within lay the body of a father whom I had never met, but yet knew very well in this form I now possessed. I slowly walked among the markers, brushing the snow from their surface as I passed.

"You looking for somebody in particular, Mrs. Sarah?" The young black girl beside me asked her voice soft and raspy.

I shook my head slightly, "It's not that, Rose, out here lay many of...my family, many whom I have never met. How do you suppose that they would accept me if they were alive? Would they still appreciate me today?"

I could see that my question confused the young girl; she smiled then let it gradually drift away. I watched her brow furrow slightly, troubled with unease at what I was asking. "Your family, they'd always love you!" Again she forced a smile, "They would worship the ground you walk on, Mrs. Sarah, they surely would." I studied her ebony face, still young and full of youth. She had no idea who I had been; to Rose, I was Sarah.

"And what of this man?" I said lightly touching the frost-glazed surface of a cold stone marker, my fingers tracing the name of my…Sarah’s father.

She seemed surprised by stating the obvious, "That's the grave of your Daddy! He most of all would wish to be here with you!" She bent down and finished brushing the light snow where I couldn't reach. "Your Daddy thought the world of you! Ma'am, we all do."

I stood up beside her and studied the chiseled name upon the marker, "Samuel Earnest Pike." I whispered, my breath leaving in a vaporous cloud and continued... "Beloved husband and father. May you rest in peace."

"Ma'am?" The young girl questioned after picking up my whisper.

"Nothing, Rose." I smiled, "I'm just trying to remember what he was like."

"You're too young to be forgetful," she broke out in a smile. "There'll be plenty of time for that later when you most needs it."

"Oh?" I asked as we turned to leave.

"Sure, when your husband wants something you don't want to give... when you don't want to go somewhere, you can always say that you forgot."

I paused and smiled, "You are quite the devious one, Rose."

Her wide grin caused me to laugh, and slowly we made our way out of the cemetery and continued on toward the house. Once inside, I saw the woman whom I now called my mother; she was studying the large pile of papers lying in front of her. Into that huge room I walked, tall wooden columns stood on each side of the doorway, through these I made my way. Penny, my mother, sat behind a huge oak desk, the chair dwarfing her small frame.

"I'll never be able to figure all this out!" She sighed as she pushed the papers back, "Dear God, I wish that Samuel was still alive." She sat and stared at the floor, "I do miss him so, Sarah."

I felt compelled to touch her shoulder with my diminutive, gloved hand. She looked up into my face, "How are you feeling, dear?" She smiled and lightly patted the round swell under the cloak that I was wearing, "This is going to be a tiny baby, just like her mother." I forced a smile as my response. She turned in the chair and stood, holding me at the elbow and walking me toward a plush, soft chair.

"You sit down here and warm yourself by the fire, I'll see if Keeza could make us some tea." Penny...Mother scurried off toward the kitchen, leaving me in a peaceful silence with only the fire to crackle and snap its song. Behind me a noise brought me to my attention, so I turned, thinking it was mother returning. Miss Lilly, the ancient black woman, was approaching and paused beside the fireplace to warm herself.

"You may sit," I motioned, offering a chair to the old woman. She nodded and seated herself beside me; her attention was riveted on the glowing coals in the bottom of the pit.

"You seem well," she observed.

"I am, thank you," I politely replied.

Again the silence enveloped us, so finally I glanced at a small portrait of the same man who graced my bedroom... the father of the child I was carrying. "Miss Lilly?"

"Yes, child?" she replied.

"What do you know of him?" She followed my gaze toward the image in the photo.

"That's your husband, Ethan." She said smiling. "He's very handsome."

"Thank you." I said then frowned, unsure of why I would thank her for complementing the man...my husband.

"He joined up as soon as the war broke out, I believe he was 16." She gathered herself up and hobbled toward the photo and gently took it down. "He was quite headstrong, believing that it was honorable to fight for his family’s name. That was back in 1861." She carried the image to my chair and handed it to me, "You were married last spring when he was on leave." She patted my extended stomach, "This here happened right about the same time."

"Why doesn't he ever write me?" I wondered aloud.

"Those boys is always on the go, they probably aren't given much time to sit and write their women." I felt my face grow warm at her comment. "Don't you worry none, he'll come back and help you and your mother out with this plantation."

"That's actually the least of my worries," I sighed.

The old woman's eyes twinkled, "You afraid of what he's going to be wanting when he returns?" She spoke with a laugh.

"Probably." I sighed, looking down toward my full breasts and extended belly.

"You'll do what is expected of you," she replied flatly.

"And that is?" My eyes darted toward her quickly.

"He probably ain't seen a female since he planted his seed almost 7 months ago... I'm guessing he's going to want to do it again as soon as he's able." She took the photo and placed it again on the mantle. "You'll be okay, it isn't like you and he have not done it before."

Again I felt my face grow warm, "You're forgetting, I wasn't here when they created this child." I rubbed my hand over the child in my womb. "I don't think I'd know what to do with a man…nor if I'd want to if I could!"

She chuckled, "I doubt if he'll care…just lay on your backside and let him do whatever he wants."

I sighed at her candid answer, looking at the floor; behind me I could hear the flowing dress of my mother as she entered the room, with her scurried Keeza and a tray of steaming tea.

Chapter 11

It was evening, and the air had grown mild. I wrapped my cloak around me and ventured outside unseen. My mind was in turmoil, I found myself slowly growing more and more feminine with every passing day.

Every morning, Keeza and Miss Lilly helped me to dress, and it seemed almost normal to wear feminine clothing. I could still remember those things of the boy I had once been, but now, Sarah's past had slowly begun filtering inside of my mind and I could remember even more of her life. So much so, was the fact that I was having trouble distinguishing what had been Jeremy's and what was Sarah's.

It was becoming more difficult to move around, as it seemed that I was becoming fuller and fuller with-child, each and every day. I imagined that I was slowly taking on more and more of the attributes of an expectant woman, carrying this child of mine as any normal female would. Strangely, I was slowly becoming accustomed to the weight, and found myself starting to enjoy this strange maternal comfort that has been thrust upon me.

I had begun to take short walks around the exterior of the house; the exercising seemed to calm the baby somewhat. This evening, I felt I wanted to work my way down to the barns to see that horses, even as a boy I loved to watch the horses’ race and prance around in the fields. Slowly slipping out on my own I headed for the buildings where I knew they kept the majestic beasts, there seemed to be no fear of me running off. Realistically, how far could a pregnant woman travel on foot before she grew weary and had to rest?

I waddled toward a corral, and paused beside an energetic horse as he bounced his head over the rail. I smiled and scratched him along his head, and he stretched out his neck and gently nuzzled me in the shoulder. It was at this quiet moment that I heard an unexplained noise coming from inside the barn.

I stepped quietly into the darkened interior of the building, fearful and remembering the day that I had performed the very same stealthy move. Peering into a knothole, I could make out the figure of a dark skinned man and a young black girl in the darkness. He was holding her and kissing her willing lips, it was the young slave who had walked with me in the cemetery... it was Rose.

In surprise, I watched as she deftly placed her hand upon his crotch, massaging it into a great bulge with her fingertips. Their kisses grew more passionate, and my own breath grew strangely deeper at what I was viewing.

It was only a moment that he had her top over her soft shoulders, exposing her youthful breasts and taking one large nipple into his mouth. I breathed deeply, unable to remove my eyes from their ministrations! Soon she had his clothing in the straw beside them, and his huge penis sprang upward! She sank into the straw, taking him inside her mouth. I could feel my own nipples harden at what I was seeing. A strange and unfamiliar warmth deep within my groin grew as I watched!

The moon shone brightly on this night and reflected against his ebony features through the slats of the siding, creating a strange striping against their sweat dappled skin. His moans were strangely mixing with the girl's... and my own. Slowly he pushed her head away, and then settled back into the straw with her.

With a soft smile, she spread her thighs apart and invited him to make love to her! I couldn't believe my stunned eyes as she guided his long black penis into her glistening, moist slit! The warmth that I had been feeling earlier had suddenly grown damp! I looked away, then back quickly, unable to remove my gaze! The tall man settled between the teen's thighs, penetrating her with his straining penis.

I felt myself gasp, almost exactly the same as did his young female lover. Slowly he began to pump her, rocking their bodies in some sort of lustful dance. Faster and faster their speed grew, her breath broken by each thrust from him.

On and on they danced, and as I watched, these strange aroused female hormones raced throughout my body. Suddenly he grunted and shook; there was a short satisfied laugh and then another quick spasm of his back and hips. Still their bodies continued to rock the rhythm of love. His hips moved faster and faster until finally with a muffled cry she gasped and pulled him close with a tender kiss. They held that position for a long time, impaled. The young girl didn't seem to mind his great weight upon her small frame; in fact, it was she that began to initiate the rapid movement of her hips again.

I was warm, aroused and breathing hard. I decided that I had seen enough and silently strode away from the barn while the young couple continued on with their lovemaking. I slipped into the house quietly and hung my cloak; it was late and I headed toward my own room in stunned silence.

Keeza stopped by after a short while and helped me with my clothing, readying me for bed. I sank beneath the covers as she blew out the oil lantern and quietly walked into the hallway, pulling the door closed behind her.

In the moonlight, I looked at the portrait of the young man, surely he and the woman who I had become acted out a dance similar to the one I just witnessed! I shuddered at the thought and quickly rolled with my back toward the image of my...husband.

Chapter 12

There was a warm breeze out of the west as we ventured across the secluded meadow, suddenly he turned and gathered me into his arms and smiled. It was Ethan, the young man in the photo. I tipped my head back willingly as he began to kiss my soft neck, and his grip fell around my narrow waist.

We slowly sank into the soft grasses and flowers that carpeted the ground, and his tender kisses fell lower until he could no longer kiss my soft skin. Again my breathing grew labored, and I could feel my own small hand upon the growing bulge in his pants. He loosened the string on my light blue dress, which allowed his kisses to further explore the tops of my covered breasts. I sighed, my lips parting with a passion that I had never known before! Feverishly, I stroked him until he could scarce contain his ridged muscle no longer. He sat up and quickly removed his shoes and pants allowing his long, hardened penis to spring up and tower over his strong thighs.

I looked down as I removed the great amounts of petticoats and skirt that would free up my trapped legs. Ethan pulled my dress over my head and began to kiss my neck and shoulders, while I began to trace my fingers along his penis.

It was as though I was both a participant and observer at the same time as his fingers deftly loosened the corset around my waist, and soon my breasts spilled out. He pushed me back gently and kissed my heaving bosom, all the while I held his stiff penis at the gate of my young womanhood. He pressed forward, and I was panting with lust, wet and ready.

He slipped into my opening, I felt like laughing and crying at the same time, there was a momentary pain... then all pleasure! Sliding my thighs along his muscular sides I raised my legs and locked around his handsome waist, pulling him into me with each thrust of his hips. Again and again I matched his rhythm, faster and faster he moved. His head was bent down at a strange angle, his warm lips suckling an elongated nipple, teasing it into a tower of pleasure. I felt a great tingle begin in my legs; it then traveled through my stomach and settled into my expertly manipulated crotch. My breath left with each thrust of his body, each push sending me into a pleasant oblivion that I eagerly wanted to go!

Instantly, I felt a sexual rush that dwarfed my mind and clouded my thoughts! It was as if a great dam broke and the surge was distorting my vision with colorful stars and brilliant lights! My breath caught in my throat causing me to gasp, then as if the flood raced toward its target. I cried. It struck me with a fury that bespoke of magic and passion. I panted out my love for the young man as wave after wave washed over my young body! He too became caught up in my rapture as his entire body shivered and shook, He grunted into my breast as from within me, a great throbbing could be felt. Again and again the throbbing continued, his seed being forced into my womb with each wonderful pulse!

I sat up quickly, my blanket sliding off me to the floor. The pile of pillows had spilled around me and a few of them had fallen to the floor, save for the one my legs had been straddling. My breathing was still ragged, both nipples were prominent and announcing themselves to the chill of the room. I leaned back into the few pillows that remained and fought to regain control of my breathing; it was then that I realized that I had a strange leftover tingling sensation in my crotch. I had become quite damp and could feel my legs slightly shaking.

"Oh...my...God!" I gasped, "I couldn't..." I sat up and pulled my sleeping silks up toward my waist. My fear had been true, in my dream I had reached the pinnacle of a female as she reaches her prime and cries out in a pleasure matched by no other. "No..." I sobbed, and slowly began cleaning up the womanly fluid that my aroused body leaked out. I had my first orgasm, and it was caused by the father of this child I carried... all while I slept!

Chapter 13

It was a warm day in early February, and I was seated upon a little bench facing my mother's vast plantation. At the edge of the lawn stood Miss Lilly, she was tending her strange herbal garden. I gathered up my gowns and slowly waddled out across the lawn to meet her. Heavily laden with the child in my womb, I took my time.

The old woman looked up. "What are you doing out here?" she said, scowling. "You should know better than moving about like that with your baby so close to being born!"

I supported my extended belly and smiled, "I'll be fine." I looked back toward the house and motioned for her to come to the gazebo with me. She shrugged and leaned her hoe against a tree and followed.

At the white gazebo we paused, taking our seat where we could look over the pond. "I...uh... was wondering if you could help me?" I stammered, my voice still sounding strangely to my ears, the soft southern accent was so strange even after all these long months.

"Yes, Mrs. Sarah?" She smiled and tapped her cane against my foot.

"About a month ago I had a strange sexual dream..." I whispered softly.

"Were you a male or female?" she asked honestly.

"Female. I was with my husband, we were in a meadow." I stared into the water, embarrassed as my nipples began to respond to my thoughts. I moved my hand to my chest as if to stop them physically. "When it ended, I was left breathless and... well... you understand, don't you?"

"I understand all too plainly, Child. You are behaving no different than would any other female be dreaming about intercourse with her lover. Only, your body is reminding you that you are now completely feminine and is emphasizing it by taking you all the way... so to speak. Your dream is probably how the child in your belly was most likely conceived." She propped her hands on the cane and smiled. "You have been given a great gift."

"A great gift? I gasped with suspicion. Then, what about all the times since then?" I responded quickly.
"There have been more? Not just the one time?" she smiled slowly.

I nodded. "He...Ethan, has taken me in the meadow...the barn...my bedroom...his old bedroom...sometimes even orally." I looked down with embarrassment and continued. "Each time he has taken me all the way to...climax. When I awake, I am filthy, my heart is racing and I am uncontrollably...aroused."

She gave a short laugh, "If all of us could have such dreams! I couldn't begin to tell you when the last time I had a man's face between my thighs... Count yourself lucky, at least your dream ‘Ethan’ didn't ask you to perform orally for him." I quickly looked away, she leaned in. "Did he ask you?"

I quickly shook my head, blonde curls danced in my peripheral vision. "No. I...I gave it to him willingly, without his asking!"

The old woman patted my knee, "It must have something to do with the sphere. I believe it is readying you to become a complete female, in mind as well as body." She smiled and nodded to her own theory, "I think it is preparing you to know how to react... and act as a woman would when the time is needed."

I sat up in shock, "Its bad enough looking like a young woman, I don't think I could ever consummate as one. No…Not at all!" I said with a shudder.

The old woman stood and leaned against the rail, her gaze was out across the mirrored surface of the pond. "Tell me, Sarah, do you get a strange tingle when you see the field hands come in from their work? Do you feel your eyes lingering on their firm bodies? Do you ever wonder what it would be like...” She turned to face me; I had my hands against my cheeks covering my eyes. A soft sob broke from my lips as I began to cry. "I'll take that as a 'yes'," she stated flatly.

"All of those things are happening to me, everything you said!" I buried my face into gloved hands. "If I think on it too much... I can bring myself to a…well, you know! Only, when I think of them... they all have Ethan's face!"

She smiled and sighed, "Your soul has linked with the man who is Sarah's husband. She loved him dearly and you are being 'trained' to think of him in the same way." I felt my chin drop, and I quickly looked down into my lap. "What is it... what is it, child?" She said, touching my arm ever so lightly. "Are you feeling poorly?"

"I...I'm not sure... but... I think I may have just peed myself." I flushed with embarrassment.

She laughed, "It isn't pee, silly girl. Your water has broken and the child is ready to see his mother. By tonight, it will be suckling from your breast and you will be whispering words of love into its tiny ear."

I trembled with the fear of the unknown as she called out to several blacks who were working in the gardens; each dropped what they had and ran to my aid. Gently they assisted me back into the house, a large behemoth of a man carrying me the entire way. Once inside, the women removed my clothing, readying me for a long and tiresome evening.

Chapter 14

The entire labor was surreal; I remembered leaning against a mountain of pillows while a mid-wife tried to get me to focus on my breathing. Vaguely, I remember the door swing partly open and a small bearded man sticking his head inside, "Do I have time to clean up?" It was the doctor.

As one, there were four women who simultaneously turned and said, "No!" The baby was well on its way, I would be a mother in a very short while. As the little doctor pulled at the head protruding from between my thighs, he scolded me so I would stop the pushing. Resisting the urge against what my body was pleading me to do, my legs began to shake as I held my ground for what seemed like several minutes. However, as soon as he told me to push on the next contraction, the baby was ushered into the world in one supreme move. I felt my body suddenly relax, falling into the pillows in complete exhaustion.

I rose my face up and struggled to see what was happening beyond my sight, I could feel the sweat as it dripped from my face, but somehow it was all moot as I found I was more interested in the care of the child I had carried! The doctor quickly cut and tied off the umbilical that was strange to see had been tethered to me; he cleaned off the infant and hurriedly wrapped it in a soft, warm blanket.

"Sarah, here is the second miracle of your young life…would you care to meet your son?" He gently placed the child in my arms. "He is very healthy!" he said smiling.

Keeza looked over his shoulder. "He's so small," she observed. "Ain't nothing like my Cliff... that boy was thirteen pounds at birth!"

The doctor laughed when he stood back up, "And if I remember right, he's almost 300 pounds today!" He pointed at the baby, "This one has quite a ways to go before he'll be that size."

"How much do you figure he weighs, doctor?" asked my mother.

The doctor brushed his chin. "If he's lucky, he might be six pounds, but I doubt if he would be much more than that. He’s pretty tiny."

I felt my heart jump. "Will he be okay?" I asked.

The doctor smiled, "Yes, Sarah, he'll be just fine... that is, once you name the poor boy!"

Mother touched the baby's tiny forehead, pressed slightly out of shape from the birthing process. "There will be plenty of time later for that."

I beamed as I looked into that angelic face, still fresh from the womb... MY womb. "I'll not go another moment without giving him a proper Christian name." In a moment of feeling the homey nostalgia, I smiled upward at my mother, "I'm going to name him Samuel Ethan Whitmore."

Mother sat down upon a chair; tears were forming in her eyes. I smiled at her as the child in my arms began to squirm. "You...you named him after your father?"

I nodded, "And his father as well."

Mrs. Penny... mother stood and stared down at both of us, tears glistening in her eyes. "That's the single, most beautiful thing you could have done, Sarah! Your father would have been honored."

I glanced at Miss Lilly, "Somehow, I just felt that it should be that way." Miss Lilly smiled and tipped her head slightly as she rose to her feet.

"We need to give a mother time to be alone with her new baby. Let us leave so she may nurse the child and rest." She waited as each of them filed past, and the last to leave was my mother.

As the door closed I looked around, for the first time in my life I had a greater responsibility thrust upon me... I was a mother! In my slender arms I held my son, a son who only a few hours earlier was tucked in a small ball, safe within my womb. I gently removed the cloth that covered my swollen breasts.

"We're going to learn how to do something together, aren't we Samuel?" He nuzzled right in as I held him before my teat, and soon he was drinking deeply the life-giving substance that my body produced. "Today I began my journey as a mother... your mother." I sighed as I leaned back and looked upward into the ceiling. "This is a far cry different than what I had once expected my life to become just months ago." I whispered aloud.

I slowly closed my eyes, soothed to sleep by the gentle nuzzling of a contented infant as he suckled his mother's breast...my breast.

Chapter 15

The sun was warm; a light breeze was blowing from the south. I relaxed on a bench that was placed under a huge ancient Mimosa tree, its fragrant, pink blossoms creating a heavenly scent. It was June, and I had just put little Samuel down for a nap and stole away to rest for a few fleeting moments. I sighed and closed my eyes, allowing the gently caressing breeze to ease my tired mind.

"Mrs. Sarah?" A soft voice called out.

I opened my eyes and looked down the path; it was Jonah, a young boy who was sent into town to retrieve our mail. "The Postmaster gave me this letter to give to you."

I smiled and took it from him, "Thank you, Jonah." I replied and turned it over to where I could see the return address. What I saw caused me to tremble... "E. Whitmore." I gasped, glancing up quickly, to see if the boy was watching for my reaction. Fortunately, he was already in the distance, racing off to who knows where. Again my eyes were drawn to the envelope, and with a deep breath, I broke the seal and removed the letter from the inside with a trembling hand.

Trying to gather the courage to read, I closed my eyes once again, almost able to hear my own heart as it pounded within my feminine chest. It had been nearly a year since anyone had heard from Ethan. Not since, he and I... Sarah... My eyes were pulled up to the stately home, directly to the window that was the nursery. I swallowed hard and unfolded his letter.

My Dearest Sarah,

God, I miss your tender touch, the smell of your hair... your soft skin next to mine. I must explain why I've been unable to send any letters to you... please don't be angry with me my love, it could not be helped.

Our first skirmish after I returned from leave was fought at what seemed like the very gates of Hell. The damnable Union set up on the Donelson River and pounded away at us from their gunboats. They kept firing at our positions until Fort Donelson was forced to surrender! There were so many Confederate dead that I thought I would become ill from the sight alone. Even though our unit had fought bravely, there were too many casualties. I was captured when we surrendered. Very few of us remained unscathed. Those of us who survived were rounded up and headed north. We rode in rail cars for almost two days, healthy young soldiers along with the injured and dying. Cold and hungry, they took us somewhere up north. We were unloaded, in a miserable place; I heard one of the Yanks say it was called Camp Douglas... somewhere in Illinois.

Our conditions there were deplorable. They kept thousands of us penned up like common livestock in a camp that was meant to only hold about half of what was there. One of my best friends here, Donald Sullivan, fell ill. He was the young man who sold Glory Girl, your Appaloosa, to your father. The poor soul died yesterday afternoon, not from battle wounds but from common illnesses that we would have been able to treat in a few days back home... I couldn't stand it anymore, I had to get away!

A few nights ago, when darkness fell, I was able to slip through an opening in a fence and escape. I hid in a wagon and escaped into the night. I'm sending this letter from a small town in northern Kentucky. I've been able to scrounge up enough money to purchase an old nag horse, and will be heading out as soon as I am able to mail this letter. Hopefully, I will beat the letter home, and all of this will be moot. My lovely Sarah... I'm coming home.

With my undying love,
Ethan

Sudden fear gripped my heart, I attempted to place the letter back into the envelope, but I was unable to do so! I was shaking so badly that I dropped it upon the ground twice. Finally I stood and hid the envelope and the letter in the folds of my skirts, afraid for anyone to see what I had in my possession.

"Ethan is returning home..." I gasped, knowing the full extent of that simple phrase. "I've been able to force myself to be a mother to a child who doesn't know any different... but can I become a wife to a man I've never met?" My mind waffled between knowing who I once was, to who I've become. Deep down, I knew that Ethan would think of me only as his wife! The greatest part of that fear was accepting what I had become and completely turning my back on what I once was! My mind raced, "Should I gladly take him and love him as a returning husband should be welcomed, especially after escaping from a Yankee prison camp? Or should I flee for my very life, putting as many miles from this place as I possibly could?" I took two steps and pulled up short, realizing that once again, Sarah was making her presence known. I sighed deeply and continued walking, unable to reason with myself that I just referred to a Union prison camp as 'Yankee' ...just as Sarah would have done.

Again the torment of my emotions reared itself as my heart began to beat wildly, knowing that Ethan would expect me to fall into his arms, happily accepting the role of his wife and as mother to his child! "I...I can't let him do this to me! Somewhere deep inside of me is still that young man from Indiana, and I'll not lose that to his wants and desires to this body!" I argued. "I'll not give up what I once was, without a fight! I can't let them take that away!"

Maybe it was unreasonable, but I knew exactly what I had to do! "I'll run and go north where they'll never find me!" But…but what of the child? What of Samuel? Deep sadness crept into my throat; could I do that to him? Could I desert my son, and deprive him of a mother's love?

I stopped and stamped my tiny foot in the dust, "He's not my child!" I hissed. But then, I hung my head in a fit of tears. Deep down, I knew I could never leave Samuel... he had truly become my son and I would die for him if I had to!

I knew it was settled; I turned and faced the huge stately home with great determination. I would run away and take Samuel with me! Defiantly and confidently, I approached the house. I knew exactly where we would go, back to my boyhood home... back to my parents... back to Indiana! I would prove to them all that I could still control my destiny even if I was trapped in this young mother's body!