The sight of the bay, the sand and the harbour, the lights of the village and upon top of the hill, the twinkling of the lights on the huge Christmas tree by the floodlit church, all gave me heart and a spring in my step and I almost ran down the road to the place where I hoped I would find help, comfort and safety.

Of course it was early, very early and nobody was about. I didn’t know what I would expect when I got there; flags waving, people ready, willing and able to take in a refugee. I came back to sober thoughts when I stopped on the quay and realised that I hadn’t really sorted out my problems, just encountered a whole new set of them.

Everywhere was quiet and except for the raucous sounds of the seagulls and the twanging noise coming from the rigging of the sailboats in the harbour. It was still quite cold and I could do with a hot drink, but that was impossible at the moment.

Coloured lights were twinkling merrily along the harbour and on the promenades to the left and right of me. Penmarris liked to deck itself out in Christmas splendour, maybe to catch the seasonal tourists–well it worked for me!

As I sat on a cold bench and looked out onto the harbour, I huddled down in my coat and thought about the last time I had been there, it must have been two and a half years before. I was with some foster parents and it was summer. It was the last time that I could honestly say that I enjoyed myself.

I had fun on the beach with my foster parents and they did all that they could to help make it a happy time for me. We went on the short pier on I was allowed to play a few slot machines. Then we had a hot dog and I threw bits of the bread into the sea and laughed as I saw the seagulls picking the bread from the water and wheeling away.

There was a Punch and Judy show on the beach and I sat with other children and watched them, I was ten then and maybe a bit old for all that, but it was great fun and for a time I felt like the other kids sitting around me, laughing and shouting at the antics of Punch and shouting ‘he’s behind you!’ at the poor unsuspecting Judy.

It gave me the feeling of being part of a family, doing normal family things. My foster parents were standing at the side, smiling and obviously pleased that I was having a good time.

We had fish and chips for tea, sitting on the very bench where I sat now. In my goodie bag I had some sweets, a stick of rock and a little plastic doll. I had chosen it when I somehow managed to knock the coconut off the post at the coconut shy.

They didn’t mind that I picked a doll rather than a toy gun. They knew about me and even bought me a nightie to wear to bed, but that was as far as it went. I wasn’t encouraged to be girlie as they knew that it would lead to more heartache and pain when I inevitably had to leave them.

I must have been a bit of a handful for the Fosters yes, that was funny, foster parents whose name was Foster!

Here I was, physically a boy who considered herself to be a girl and wanted to act, be and dress as a girl. On top of that I was semi incontinent and wet myself on a regular basis. I had always had toilet problems and the doctors tried lots of things to stop it. There were pills that I could take, but I reacted to them, so that didn’t work. I even had an operation when I was younger, but it failed too. There was talk of further operations when I stopped growing but that was for the future. At the moment, I had to live with it and wear special pants to help when I couldn’t get to the toilet in time and overnight.

People think that incontinence is something that old people suffer, but younger people can be affected too and it was just another thing for the other kids to mark me out as someone to ridicule.

Anyway, I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the negative thoughts and then continued my reminiscences of my day at Penmarris.

My special day had ended when the sun set, gloriously on the sea. The sun looked huge and blood red as it dipped slowly onto the horizon, the reflection on the sea was so lovely. It was a day that I would never forget as it was one of the happiest ones I had ever had. This was why I had come back, I wanted to be happy again.

Over to the left I heard the putt, putt of a boat engine and then I saw a fishing boat come through the harbour entrance, lit up itself, almost like a Christmas tree. Lots of gulls were flying over and around the boat as it manoeuvred itself over to the far side of the harbour and docked.

It started to get lighter now as the dawn approached. I was undecided as to what to do, but thought that as it was half past seven now, I could go away and be out of sight and wait until the shops and cafes opened and then I could get something to eat and drink.

Being Christmas Eve and a Saturday as well, I had little doubt that there would be people about and I hoped to lose myself in the crowd, if there was one!

I walked quickly down to the end of the promenade. There were various shelters there for holidaymakers to shelter in bad weather and one of them faced away from the sea and overlooked the hills above the harbour. Being winter, the beach was probably not going to be used much other than those hardy souls who walked their dogs, so I would be careful, duck out of sight and wait until the village woke up.

And that’s what I did. By the time nine o’clock came, I was very cold and I could hardly feel my feet and I think I had ears but they were as numb as my feet despite my woolly hat.

I kept popping my head up and glancing down the promenade towards the shops on the front. Gradually, more and more people were evident and eventually, I took the courage in my hands and left me place of shelter and walked back towards the harbour where the shops, restaurants and cafes were.

It was a lovely day, no clouds in the sky and the sun actually had some warmth it. I passed a few people and they smiled and nodded to me. A dog came up and sniffed me and the elderly couple who were walking it said sorry.

‘Mandy, stop that. The girl doesn’t want you mithering her.’

It gave me a warm feeling in my tummy that I had been seen as a girl. That was all I wanted–to be accepted as a girl.

There were three café’s on the harbour and they all had outside tables, but it was too cold for that. I chose the middle one as there were several people there and I had my story ready if asked–I had had plenty of time to concoct a ‘history’ for me and the reasons why I was there alone.

As I walked in, there was a blast of warm air in the doorway which was nice and very welcome.

‘Can I help?’ asked the girl in an apron.

‘Can I have a table please and do you do breakfasts?’

‘Yes love, come over here. You look cold.’

‘Yes, I’ve been out for a walk.’

‘Without your mum and dad?’

‘Oh, yes, Mummy and Daddy are having a lie in. they went to a party last night and they are feeling a bit, what did Mummy say? Oh yes, worse for wear. She said go and get some breakfast and wake them up when I get back.’

The girl laughed.

‘Well, it’s not unusual at this time of year to have parties. Have a look at the menu and I’ll be back. Do you want me to get you a drink?’

‘Yes please can I have a cup of tea?’

‘Yes dear. I won’t be a tick.’

She gave me a nice smile and then went off.

It was quite warm in there so I took off my hat and coat and sat back down again.

She was back in few moments with the hot tea.

‘There you are love; decided what you want for breakfast?’

‘Full English with toast, not fried bread please.’

‘Coming up.’

‘Oh can I use the toilet?’

‘Of course, over there by behind that partition, see the sign?’

‘Oh yes, right, thanks,’ I said as I had a quick sip of tea, picked up my bag and went to the toilet.

The Ladies was empty and I quickly went into the stall, took off my old pull ups put them in a bag, had a wee and then slipped on a fresh one. I only had three more and I hoped that the shops around there sold what I needed. I usually had to use chemists as supermarkets didn’t do what I needed in my size.

After I finished I went out of the stall, noticed a bin for nappies and stuff, popped the bag in and then after brushing my hair, I left the toilet and walked back to my seat.

I noticed that there were some more people in the café now and as I sat down and had another sip of tea, the waitress came over with a plate.

‘Here you are dear, one Full English.’

‘Thanks,’ I said looking down at the heaped plate, ‘this looks lovely,’

‘Yes, we do a good breakfast, all day too as it’s a favourite with the customers. Enjoy your meal.’

‘Thanks,’ I replied enthusiastically, tucking in before she had taken three steps away from me.

I ate enthusiastically and with a purpose. I was hungry and hadn’t eaten since the day before, and also I wasn’t sure when I would have the chance to eat again, so I made the most of my chance.

I lingered after my meal, had another cup of tea, used the ladies again and then, eventually, left the café after paying and thanking the girl who served me. Her name was Tammy and she seemed very nice.

The sun was up higher now. It wouldn’t get all that high at this time of year, but Devon is normally fairly mild compared to the north that is and so didn’t suffer huge drops in temperature, well that was before climate warming or whatever it’s called.

What snow that had still lain on roofs after the snow was all but gone and apart from a few heaped piles of snow by the side of the roads, it was pretty clear.

There were a few people on the beach and I could even see a few people dipping their toes in the water.

‘They must be mad.’ I thought.

I walked along the prom and took in the sea and the village with the brightly painted cottages and houses dotted on the hillside. I still had no idea what I should do. If I tell anyone what had happened, would they believe me? I doubted it as it was an adults word against mine and anyway, what did he do, get me to dress as a girl–hardly much of a crime.

How could I explain his look, his reaction to me and the type of clothes that he got me to wear? No, I was in trouble and I knew it. I would have to do something and just hoped that that something would turn up here in this magical place.

I spent the day wondering around the shops, walking up in the hills overlooking the pretty village and along the cliffs where the pounding seas washed up against the rocks–mind you it was abit cold far that so I didn’t stay up there long!

I went to another café for lunch and no one asked me why I was alone. Everyone was busy, so I suppose that they didn’t have time to think about why a girl who looked about 11 was out and about by herself. Mind you there were other kids of my age and a bit older around, but they were in groups and seemed to be enjoying themselves.

On the quay there were several interesting places, one was a pottery and next to that was an art gallery. They were both quite busy and I first went into the pottery and watched the lady spin the wheel and throw a pot. She looked up at me once and smiled. I smiled back, she seemed nice. Then I popped next door and had a look at the things in the gallery.

There were some lovely paintings, some wonderful photographs and some sculptures. It was a nice place to have a look around and I was engrossed in a pretty picture of the harbour at sunset when I jumped as someone spoke behind me.

‘Nice init?’

I looked around and a girl was standing there looking at the painting. She had a pink tabard on and a name tag that said that she was Tracy.

‘Yes, very nice.’

‘Like the way ‘e’s captured the sky, dead brill init?’

‘Mmm, you don’t come from around here?’

‘Nah, came from Peckham Rye; live ‘ere now though; love it, don’t I. You here wiv yer folks?’

‘Erm yes, they’ve gone to the pub and I said I’d meet them later.’

‘Well, ‘ave a good look around, bye.’

She went off after a customer beckoned her and I carried on looking. There was an office at the back of the gallery and inside was a very pretty lady sitting behind a desk reading. She looked up after a minute and looked straight at me and then smiled. It was such a warm smile that my heart melted and I could feel a pricking in my eyes. I looked away and pretended to look at another picture which was one of those modern ones where you don’t know which way up it should be and looked like a whole load of different shaped and coloured blocks.

When I looked back, the woman had got up and was bending over and then she straightened up. She had picked up a young girl and was giving her a cuddle. The girl looked about one or two, I wasn’t very good at ages, but I could see the love that they had for each other and I felt an envy that I shouldn’t have had. Slightly tearfully, I left the gallery and walked off, trying to stop myself from feeling so down.

On the High Street, not that it was exactly huge; there was a fair selection of shops. There were several gift shops, but only two were open. There was a book shop and a general store, a pound shop and a shoe shop. There was also a butchers, a bakers and believe it or not a candlestick maker.

Half way along was a largish clothes shop. In the windows were ladies, men’s and children sections. On an impulse I went inside–well it was warmer in there– and was soon looking around the girls section. There wasn’t a huge range, but I did see a lovely red velour dress; a bit young and small for even me, but remember I didn’t get a chance to dress up as a girl and never really had, so I had missed out on the pretty dresses, the ribbons in the hair and all things that little girls almost take for granted.

I sighed and turned away and then I saw it.

A dress.

The dress.

I went over and had a closer look.

It was on a shop dummy and looked yummy and scrumptious. It was red again; they seemed to like red in this shop, maybe because it was Christmas.

Anyway it was red Taffeta and satin party dress with sequins and roses, it had thin straps that looked adjustable and an elasticated back and waist tie. The waist tie was a large satin bow affair that sounds a bit over the top, but in this dress it looked just about perfect.

‘Do you like it dear?’

I turned around and smiled.

‘Mmm it’s lovely.’

‘We’ve only a few left but I think we have your size. Would you like to try it on?’

‘Erm, no I had better not.’

‘Where’s your mum?’

‘She’s across the road in the chemists.’

I hated lying, but I had to do it.

‘Well, you can try it on if you like.’

I looked at it again and I almost ached at the thought of trying the lovely dress on, but I couldn’t, I would always regret not being able to have it.

‘Oh hello Sam,’

The lady was looking over my shoulder at someone who had just come in. Looking back, I noted with mild shock that it was the lady from the gallery.

‘Hi Judy,’

‘Where’s Heather?’

‘Abby’s looking after her. I need some new tights, I laddered these ones and I can’t be bothered to go home to get some more.’

‘What are you after?’

‘Nude 15 denier,’

‘I’ll go and have a look.’

The lady went off and I turned back to the dress.

‘Lovely isn’t it,’ said a soft voice behind me.

I nodded.

‘I wish I had a dress like that at your age,’ she said whist fully.

I turned to her.

‘Didn’t you?’

‘No, I didn’t have a chance to wear pretty things like that. Never mind, water under the bridge.’

She sounded sad and I wondered if she had a troubled past, like me. She seemed to pull herself together.

‘Well, perhaps your parents might be in a generous mood and get you the dress for Christmas.’

‘I...I don’t know.’

‘Are you here on holiday?’

‘Erm, yes, Mummy is over at the chemists.’

‘Do you like it here?’

‘Oh yes, it’s so lovely. I have always loved this place.’

‘Been here before then?’

‘Yes over two years ago and I have never forgotten it.’

She was so easy to talk to. Her kind face oozed friendliness and kindness. Once again I felt a catch in my throat as I envied Heather for having this lovely woman as her mother.

Just then the sales lady came back and I turned away, looking at the dress but with my mind in turmoil.

‘Here you are Samantha, will this be okay?’

Samantha to the packet and looked at it closely.

‘Yep, they are fine, how much?’

‘ £4.80 please.’

‘Gosh, inflation eh? Well here you are.’

‘Going to the carol concert tonight up at the church?’

‘Jocasta and David would excommunicate me or something if we didn’t go.’

‘Abby and Heather too?’

‘Yes, although Heather will sleep through it, of course.’

They both laughed.

‘Well I had better get off. Tracy wants to leave early to get ready for something her and Tammy are going to.’

‘Oh you mean the dance?’

‘Mmm, oh to be young again.’

They both laughed and then I felt a touch on my arm.

‘Nice to see you ...?’

‘H...Hannah,’

She smiled.

‘Lovely name; well bye then.’

‘Bye.’

With one final look at me that seemed to go straight through me and out the other side, she left.

‘Lovely woman, Samantha is; would do anything for anyone. Some say she’s a soft touch, but don’t be fooled, she knows her stuff. Now, Hannah are you going to try this dress on?’

I looked at it once again, but knew that I shouldn’t.

‘No, thanks but I had better go, Mummy will be after me if I don’t get back.

‘All right dear. Have a very Happy Christmas and may your dreams come true.’

I nearly choked at that and mumbled some reply and hurried out of the shop.

I went further up the hill, my mind in turmoil. I had seen some nice people here and Samantha, well she was something special, even I could see that. I wanted to know more about her. I knew that she worked at the gallery, she was probably the manager or something. She had a daughter called Heather and a friend called Abby.

She talked about a carol concert and Jocasta and David, they must be something to do with the church.

I hadn’t anyone in my life that I could truly trust, but I could I on the strength of a brief conversation trust Samantha?

Maybe I could speak to her later.

Were my first impressions right, was she a good person?

I shook my head, this was daft; she doesn’t know me and I didn’t know her. I would have to think of something soon though. Maybe I should just go to the police station?

As luck would have it I was just passing it. Well it looked more like a house rather than a police station and I hesitated outside, wondering if I ought to go in.

I was just going down the path when I was stopped by someone.

‘Yer didn’t aught ter go along there me dearie.’

‘Pardon?’ I said turning and seeing a woman, about fifty or sixty standing there.

‘Station be closed, me ducks,’

‘What?’

‘Closed; only open in Summer. Baint worth stayin there mithering about.’ She said indecipherably.

I finally realised what she was saying, it was closed and all enquiries were being taken care of ‘upalong’ in the big town, or something like that anyway.

I thanked her and turned away. Things were not going to plan, not that I had much of one anyway.

I went up to the churchyard and sat on a bench, quite near the large Christmas tree that I had seen when I was approaching the village some hours before.

I wondered what was happening back at the home. Maybe I was being looked for–I probably was. Thinking about it at the time, I thought that going to the police would have meant being sent back there, no matter what I said. In reality, if I had seen the police and told the absolute truth, it would have been silly for me to have been sent back there until some sort of enquiry took place, but I didn’t consider this possibility until later.

There had been a notice by the gate of the church that announced that the Christmas Carol Service would be held at 6.30pm.

I had always loved carols and I had a nice voice so I considered the possibility of going. These services were always packed and I thought that I could blend in with the crowd. I was aware that the clothes that I was wearing were looking a bit grubby.

I had left my rucksack with the clothes that I had brought from the home behind a convenient hedge near the shelter that I had occupied early that morning. I didn’t want to carry it around all day and knew that if I needed it, it would be fairly easy to retrieve it from its hiding place. I would go and get my things soon. I only wished that I could have a shower or bath. I hated the idea of my being pongy and as for my teeth; I hadn’t even brought a tooth brush. I would have to get one and some toothpaste before my teeth dropped out or something.

I stayed in the church yard for a while longer, my mind churning over what had happened and what might happen to me in the future. It seemed like another night outside was probable and I needed to find a place of shelter to get out of the cold. I refused to think too far into the future as that looked like a big black hole to me. I was going to take one day at a time and then hope something might happen to make my life a bit more bearable.

I got up stiffly; it was starting to get cold again as the sun started to dip towards the horizon. Looking down on the harbour and bay with the all the boats, I noticed a huge, flaming great big, ginormous yacht on the far side. It wasn’t there before; it must have come in while I wasn’t looking. I wondered who owned it and what it was doing here. Some rich millionaire, I supposed. It was all right for some. Here was I with nowhere to go, dressed in cast off and only about  £32 to my name and over there was someone who couldn’t dream about what it was like for me.

I laughed at that. I wasn’t normally one to envy someone who was rich. Most of us manage to get by on a fraction of what that boat must have cost to run.

I shrugged and then left the church yard just as the tree lights came on. It was now 4.20 and it was rapidly getting darker. I wanted to get something hot in me before everywhere closed for the evening. But first I popped into the chemists for some erm plumbing supplies, luckily they had the ones I normally used. The lady behind the counter put the package in a carrier bag and then I paid her.

‘You know that you can get these on prescription love,’ she said.

‘Y...yes, but we’re on holiday and forgot to pack them.’

‘Never mind dear, have a Happy Christmas.’

‘You too; oh I need another tooth brush and some paste; Mummy says that she doesn’t know how I get through it all so quickly.’ I said smiling, but cringing inside at the lies I had been saying today.

‘They are over there dear,’

‘Thanks.’

I soon finished my purchases and after another Happy Christmas, I left the shop.

After that slightly embarrassing incident, I hurried down to the harbour to the third cafe on the front, the only one that I hadn’t been into before. Penmarris was still busy and there were plenty of people about. The last thing I wanted was to draw attention to myself, so I didn’t slouch about, look guilty or furtive, I just walked along as if I knew exactly what I was doing and then walked in the cafe.

An older lady came up, she must have been about forty; she had a smock on.

‘Hello dear, can I help you?’

‘Can I have a cream tea please?’

‘By yourself then?’

‘Yes, mum and dad are resting in their room.’

‘And they let you come out by yourself?’

‘I am thirteen, you know!’

I nearly stamped my foot, but I was a well brought up girl–or I would have been, given the chance.

‘Oh sorry love, you look younger. Don’t mind me, when I see a pretty young thing like you, I tend to worry a bit.’

‘Erm, that’s okay. Thanks for caring.’

‘She led me over to a table.

‘Did you want tea or coke?’ she asked.

‘Tea please, it’s cold outside.’

‘It is that m’dear.’

She went off and I looked around.

There were several tables occupied, so I was far from alone. I felt a bit guilty about snapping at the waitress, but I had had a hard time of it, so that was my excuse. It was nice that no one questioned the fact that I was a girl. It would have been awful if I looked like a boy dressed as a girl in as much as questions would have been asked.

I felt so sorry for those people trapped in the wrong body and didn’t look like their real gender, if you know what I mean.

There was music in the background and it must have been a radio station as it stopped after one song and there was an advert for double glazing.

I was playing with a fork on the table while waiting for my cream tea and then I heard the news.

I didn’t pay much attention until my ears pricked up.

...the boy whose name is Joey Roberts is thirteen of slight build, blond hair and looks young for his age. He has been missing since this morning and is believed to be trying to find his way to Scotland to see a relative. If you see the boy, please contact Devon Police as soon as possible. There is some concern as the weather is closing in and there are reports of widespread storms overnight...

‘Here you are dear,’ said a voice that made me jump.

‘Oh, th...thank you,’ I blustered.

Looking at the waitress’s face, I could see no signs of dawning recognition or the possibility that I could be the boy on the news. I had to brazen it out and hope that she didn’t connect me with missing ‘Joey’.

‘That’s all right m’dear, enjoy your tea and call me if you need anything,’

She bustled off to serve at other tables and I carefully looked around. Nobody seemed to be paying me any attention and I started to breath a bit more easily.

With a slightly shaking hand, I picked up the spoon and a put two spoonfuls of sugar in my tea. I had a sip of the hot brew and it seemed to steady my nerves a bit. Then I paid more attention to the scone, cream and jam. Anyone who has never had a Devon Cream Tea hasn’t really lived. It wouldn’t have taken too long for me to demolish it normally, but I was stringing out the time, so that I didn’t have to go out in the cold until I had to. To extend my time there I had some more tea brought out and I also took the opportunity of using the Ladies no less than three times.

‘Must be the weather m’dear.’ said the waitress cheerfully on my third trip, as I felt my face go red with embarrassment.

The place was emptying now and I regretfully paid my bill, said goodbye to the waitress and then went out into the cold, dark early evening.

Clouds had come over and there was no moon or stars now. The Christmas lights were on along the promenade and looking up and down the bay, many houses and cottages were festooned with lights of all colours. It was so pretty that I felt a lump in my throat.

It was a bit windy–nothing new there– so I did up my coat to the neck and pushed my woolly hat firmly down to cover my hair and ears. The first thing was to retrieve my rucksack, I did this without being seen and then I went in one of the toilets along the front and in a cubicle I changed my top and jumper for something a bit cleaner. The jeans would have to do as there was no way I was going to wear a skirt in that weather!

I managed to cram everything into my rucksack including the stuff I bought from the chemists and then I was ready to go.

I made my way back up the hill along the winding road that led to the church, passing several people on the way. It was now half past five and I assumed that the church would be open soon for the carol service.

The lights on the huge tree twinkled and shone, and the floodlights that lit the church from all angles made everything seem magical and festive.

There were already several cars in the church car park. I didn’t want to take my rucksack into the church with me, so I found a gravestone over in a corner out of the way and hid my bag behind it; then I sat down with my back against the wall of the church and waited for more people to turn up. Luckily, this spot was out of the wind and relatively sheltered so I didn’t feel too cold while I waited.

The church clock chimed six.

On a path a little away from where I was hidden, two girls came down the path, chatting and laughing.

‘Oh Jen, did you see the way Poppy jumped that fence; if she was bigger she could run in the National.’

‘Don’t be daft Pippa, she’s far too small, my Rosie though would run rings around Poppy, and lets face it, she’s only got three legs,’

‘Flaming cheek!’

That was the last I heard except for some giggling and the occasional squeal.

I smiled at the girls antics, they seemed nice. I would love to have friends like that.

I could hear more cars arriving and soon the paths were busy with people arriving for the service. Now was the time come out and mingle, but I hesitated. I was still unsure of myself and whether I was doing the right thing. But it was cold in the churchyard and the sound of the organ playing hymns and the chatter and laughter of the people arriving at the church helped steel my resolve and I took a deep breath, joined the others and went in hoping against hope that I wasn’t doing something very silly.

Part 3 coming soon...

Please leave comments and kudo thingies...thanks! ~Sue

If you are enjoying this story, The original Penmarris story - Changes Book 1 is now available on Kindle:

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