If I Could But Hie To Kolob

Psalm of a LDS Transgendered 1

by Abigail Drew

O, but if I could hie to Kolob,
E’en in but a twinkling of an eye.
O, then might I turn back the pages,
E’en back till before my mortal birth.

Then, but might I then reconsider...
E’en that great and dreadful decision...
O, that terrible terrible choice.
E’en which now wracks my soul in torment.

My... My mother, she questions her faith,
E’en though it is I who lived the lie.
Then, Father, she has called me “creature”,
E’en and herself she has named a freak.

And... My sister, oh dearest Father,
E’en my closest most precious sister.
My... sister thinks Lucifer has me.
E’en though this is no mere temptation.

For, the Great Serpent, Father of Lies,
E’en that fallen Son of the Morning.
And... All of his Sons of Perdition,
E’en all who’ve denied thee knowing thee.

Seek... that all might be miserable...
E’en like unto their cold lifeless selves.
For... they dearly desire company,
E’en that warmth from association.

O, my dearest Father in Heaven.
E’en though I chose this bitterest cup...
Seek, I now, comfort from the flames,
E’en those flames in which thou forgest me.

And, I know it is thee who forgest,
E’en the very least of mankind,
O, e’en a silent girl such as I,
E’en in the brightest and hottest forge.

Yes, a hearth whose flames are so so bright,
E’en that to look upon them would blind.
And, whose fire is so so very hot,
E’en the cold depths of Hell cannot quench’t.

But... is there no balm in Gilead?
E’en or water to quench mine parched throat?
For... O dear Father, this forge, it burns.
E’en and the desert does fill mine throat.

I... I shall take of this bitter cup.
E’en though it causes me so much pain.
But, to my family, it does great harm.
E’en so great and terrible a price.

For, I was e’en in a self-made hell,
E’en a Mighty Fortress and Great Moat.
I... was so very miserable...
E’en like unto their cold lifeless selves.

No, my dearest Father in Heaven,
E’en the Heavenly Father of all.
He, the Great Serpent, Father of Lies,
E’en that fallen Son of the Morning.

And... All of his Sons of Perdition,
E’en all who’ve denied thee knowing thee.
No... They had my very eternal soul,
E’en then They still were not satisfied.

O, dear Father, why cannot she see?
E’en that most dear and closest sister?
That, O Father, I’ve escaped prison?
E’en a self torment so terrible?

And, my dearest Father in Heaven,
E’en and my dearest dearest mother,
O, why does she torment herself so?
E’en to questioning her very faith?

O, but I would do it all the same,
E’en that great and dreadful decision...
If... If I might turn back the pages,
E’en if I could but hie to Kolob.

For notes on this piece, please see: Notes on If I Could But Hie To Kolob, also, any questions on religious references should please be directed there.