A letter to my mother

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Dear Mom,

This is probably the hardest letter I have ever written.

First, I love you very much. I love you and I honor you for everything you have done for the family I have now and the family I had when I was young. I’m so very sorry that I made all that so much harder for you. I hope recent years have made up for all the hard times I put you through during my teen years.

That said, the time has come to live my authentic life. To have the things I need to keep my sanity. As such I have determined that it is time to become your daughter Joy Anne Phillip for the rest of my life.

I’ve been on hormones for this since mid August 2010. I legally changed my name on Nov 9, 2011 to Joy Anne Phillip. I have been living full time as a woman since Oct 12, 2011. I gave away all my boy clothes on the 7th of Nov. I have dresses, skirts and blouses in my wardrobe now.

I know when I tried to talk to you about this the first time at 13, you sent me to the psychologist. I felt that your intention was to have him talk me out of it. I never spoke to him about my transsexualism, only about the things going on in school. I was terrified that the only person outside the family who seemed to care about me would revile and hate me forever for my gross deviance. At that time I believed that I was contaminated with some sort of disease and that with time I would grow out of it. That didn’t happen. I came close to being thrown out of the Army because of it.

I tried talking to you about it again when I got married to Mary. You told me flat out that you didn’t want another daughter. You have no idea how much that rejection hurt me. But I lived with it, and to make you proud of me, I lived as Eric until now.

Mary and Rhiannon kept me sane. They understood and didn’t judge, they just loved me for who I am, boy or girl. But now, Rhiannon has grown into a lovely young woman, she is happy and growing, everything a young lady should be.

So, with no more excuses, I finally took the steps to make myself happy.

Holly knows, and has known since we were little. She caught me several times either wearing your or her clothes, and once helped me with my makeup.

I understand if this distresses you. I get it. Mary had to go through a whole mourning period of the “death” of Eric, even though she was gaining “Joy”. I understand that. If I can make it better, I want to. But I’m committed to this course of action and I’m not going to turn back.

My workplace has absolutely no problem with this. They are being exceptionally accommodating to me and are really working hard to make sure I don’t experience any discrimination or have other problems with co-workers. So I’m not losing my job over this. Others I interact with are also fine with this, and I’ve made more friends in the past month than I have had at any one time in my entire life. I’m losing weight, and as a result the diabetes and the high blood pressure are backing off. I actually look nice, if still obviously a boy (due to the loss of hair). But that will pass as I take my hormones.

I know the [Mormon] Church says that I’m demon possessed, and I’m sure that with the combination of my Wiccan and Druid practices as well as Rhiannon being a lesbian, it really looks like I’m damned to hell. And by your beliefs, that’s what will happen. But for my faith that won’t happen. And I will not sacrifice my happiness now for a “reward” after I die. That’s exactly like making a bequest in a parent’s Last Will and Testament dependant on the child’s behavior from birth of the child until the parent dies. That’s blackmail and unfair and unrealistic.

My world has been going this way for the last 39 years. I’ve tried to talk to you about it in the past, to include you as a concerned party. But now I’m not willing to wait anymore.

So, this is me, your daughter. You can relate to me as your daughter, as your child still, or you can cut me out of your life. That choice is entirely up to you.

I’ll understand either way. And no matter what, I forgive you for it. I still love you, and I still want you in my life. Jim won’t ever understand but I don’t think he ever understood me. I suspect he wanted a little copy of himself to parade around so that people would compliment him on his bedroom prowess. He didn’t want me, as myself.

Please let me know one way or the other what you have decided to do. I don’t want to keep hoping if you don’t feel you can accept me as I am.

Love always,
Your daughter,

Joy

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Comments

well said, hon

I think you said everything you could say, as well as you could say it. No matter how she responds, I'm proud of you, and I know I'm not alone here. Big hugs.

Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels

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Well done

That letter is excellent. It's kind, but firm and decisive.

Best of luck with your family and your new life.

Hugs,

Kaleigh

Thank you Joy,

ALISON

I can relate so much to your wonderful letter,I just hope that you get a positive result.
You are a very brave girl.I will PM tomorrow after I have settled down.May God bless you.

ALISON

Wonderful Letter

terrynaut's picture

This is a wonderful letter, Joy. I hope your mother accepts the real you! Good luck. :)

I remember when I first told my mother about the real me. She cried. Later on, she said it disgusted her. We're still trying to work things out but I can tell she's still holding out hope that I give up on my real self. So sad. *sigh*

Hug

- Terry

Ouch

terrynaut's picture

Do I come across as masculine? Perhaps I don't belong here then. How depressing. :(

- Terry, confused T-girl?

*ahem* no, it was the

*ahem* no, it was the "Terry". For some reason I associate that name with male. Don't ask me why.

Sorry, I'll gender you properly in the future. Mea Culpa.
----

Speaking of Terry...

That happens to be how my moms name is spelled. Just thought I'd throw that in there...

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It seems so intrusive....

Andrea Lena's picture

...to say 'good' story to something so personal and revealing. Opening up with the fear of rejection is something I am all too familiar with, but I still can only imagine how this feels. Being seen as turning your back on things when it's really all about you embracing who you really are. Thank you for reminding me once again that I'm not alone; both in my fears and my hopes.


Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

A courageous letter

I'm very curious to know how well it was received. Thank you for sharing.

Courageous

joannebarbarella's picture

Much more than me. The very best of luck my dear,

Joanne

I wish i had had the courage to tell mom before she passed

You are a brave soul and no matter what the end result, you are a strong and powerful woman. You are an inspiration and a credit to your family and to all who know you.
Joy... a state of being we all wish to achieve...Joy... a proud inspiring woman.
Thank you for sharing this.
Big Hugs,
Diana

Speaking of Blackmail...

You forgot to mention that if she cuts you out of her life, she loses her granddaughter as well.

I think there's also an argument to be made that if the church elders are wrong, if Mormon doctrine is wrong, or if they're interpreting it wrong, then your mother's rejection of you may result in the opposite kind of afterlife than she's expecting! Something comes to mind about a commandment to love and a circle of hell reserved for hypocrites. Oh, and something else about haughty eyes and the self-righteous.

Personally, I think if there's an afterlife, someone like a parent who rejects a child because they're more worried about what their community thinks than they are about the welfare and happiness of the child, deserves to burn for eternity.

___________________
Who, judgemental much? Moi?

Eternity is a long time, Pippa

laika's picture

Couldn't she just be lightly toasted for a few millennia?

I know a bit about blackmailing parents, who seem to use deliberate obtuseness as a defense against what they don't like, don't understand and don't want to understand, rolling up in a ball inside their own head like an armadillo. My parents were a-religious (didn't see that it mattered one way or the other, shrugging that only guilty peons who liked to give their money away to con men and fancy intellectual weirdos even thought about God...) so they probably didn't go anywhere when they died, but they were as obtuse and bigoted and chickenshit as they come; and conversation about ANYTHING outside of their comfort zone was a lost cause. Joy, I hope your mom has the capacity to listen, to want you to be happy instead of making it all about her. Even clumsy innept communication and family belonging---still forgetting and calling you by your boy name years down the road from now---is better than none; and I pray that your mother will be willing to reexamine her rigid beliefs, and give you material for an amazingly uplifting sequel to this...
~~hugs, Veronica

Good job, Joy

I don't know what else I can say that hasn't been said by others, but I hope this letter helps and your mother lets go of whatever crap is keeping her from accepting the real you. Even if she doesn't, at least you have family and friends and co-workers who accept you, but I understand wanting your mother to accept you also... I hope she comes around.

Lisa

Good for you!

Well said and I must say considerably less hostile than my own letter to my parents. Sometimes they will surprise you though, my angry letter resulted in my mother giving me my name. I wouldn't say we're close at all, but...

I hope it goes at least as well for you. Hugs

Abigail

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good luck

rebecca.a's picture

wow, that's a tough letter to write. good for you. i hope it receives the positive response it deserves.


not as think as i smart i am