With time running out, Emily uses her dress fitting as a chance to bargain her way out of her upcoming wedding.

Friday April 16

It’s been too long since I’ve been able to write my thoughts down. For the last few days, I’ve done nothing but lie in bed and wish the pain would leave my head. Finally, this morning, I was able to move and think without the blinding pain and the nausea.

What’s worse is that I’ve lost days recovering in my bed. Yesterday it was Sunday, and we were at the Marshes’ for supper, and now it’s Friday. I am to go to town today and be fitted for my wedding gown. The thought of being able to try on expensive and glamorous clothing is really exciting. But I worry. I worry that while I’m changing someone might accidentally discover what I’ve kept hidden for so long. It seems like it’s getting harder and harder to hide; it’s such a sensitive area right now, and trying to hide them causes me great pain. Lord, how I wish they weren’t there.

David Marsh would just die if he knew the truth, which is a great worry for me. What’s he going to do if I don’t marry his son?

I know the wedding’s not going to happen. I know–but it still haunts my dreams. I am so worried. Two weeks are all that remain, and still Ma and Pa have said nothing about getting me out of this wedding. I can tell it’s killing Father.
He’s not the same; he’s so tense and nervous. I know he’s not sleeping well at night–I don’t think any of us are. I know the wedding is killing him; I’m killing him. He can’t look at me; he always looks away. It seems as if we are back on the old farm again. It’s like that first night when he caught me.

I think he loves me, but it’s hard to tell. I still remember the arguments he would have with Ma and how they would wake me up in the middle of the night. I remember how angry he was in those early days and how that anger was replaced with a cold unease. I know I am a burden to him. I know he wishes he didn’t have a child like me. I am a burden to this whole family. They’ve put their lives aside for me. They’ve made adjustments to shelter and protect me from the law. They say they do it because they love me, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I’m just an obligation to this family because of the accident of my birth. It seems as if there is a condition attached to me somehow. We love you, but … I can see it in their eyes, their secret resentment.

Father keeps his distance from me. He always has. Looking back, I scarcely remember a time when we did things together. The only thing that stands out is the time when he taught me how to hunt. For our first few trips, I was reluctant to go. But after a while, it was something I looked forward to. Even though we rarely talked, something told me that he was proud of me and how proficient I had become with a rifle. After a while, he started sending me out on my own to hunt, while he worked the farm. Even though I’ve invited him to come with me, it has probably been four years since we have gone hunting together. I can’t help but wonder if he enjoyed that time we spent together. I wonder if he was proud of me for the game I have brought in, or if it was just something he had to teach me so we could have food on our table.

In many ways, I guess I am jealous of Aaron. I see Pa talking and laughing with him, and there is nothing but pride in his heart for Aaron. Aaron might be oblivious to it, but when Pa thought that he was going to get married to Elizabeth, he seemed to be the happiest man on Earth. I remember some things about how he was with Sarah. She was his pride and joy, his little girl. Perhaps part of him died when she did, and that’s why he seems so empty to me. I only wish I could make that emptiness go away, that I could be his little girl like Sarah was so long ago.

Emily set the pen down and stared at the words that she had written. She flipped through the pages of her diary, the sporadic passages and words she had written whenever she felt she had to confide her thoughts.

At that moment, the outside door opened and her father walked into the family eating room.

“Morning, Em. How’s your head today?” he said. He took his place at the head of the table.

“It’s all right, I s’pose.”

“Good. Good, that’s good. Where’s everyone else?”
“Aaron’s out doing chores, and Ma’s getting the wagon ready for us to go to town.”

“Ah. What’re you two goin’ to town for?”

“I’m getting fitted for my wedding dress today.”
“That’s right; I can’t believe it’s Friday already. Hey, can you make me something to eat? I’m pretty hungry.”

“I s’pose. Is oatmeal okay?”

“Yeah.”

Emily stood up from the table and made her way to the wood stove to boil some water. An awkward silence filled the room as Emily prepared her father’s breakfast. She was desperate to know any new details about how she was going to get out of the wedding safely, but she held her tongue for fear that she wouldn’t like the answer.

“I remember when we gave this to you,” her father said, referring to her diary. “It was two Christmases ago, wasn’t it?”

She set his oatmeal in front of him. “Three, actually,” she said.

“I didn’t know you still wrote in this thing.”

Emily sat next to her father. “I try sometimes, I guess,” she said.

“I hope you were kind to your old man.” He closed her diary and slid it over to her. “Listen, I … I know I’ve made mistakes in my life, Em. I know I was hard on you when you were younger. I hope you can forgive me for that. But it’s hard, you know, knowin’ that underneath it all you’re really my son. Even after we moved here I was afraid of what might happen if someone found out. You know, we couldn’t all move again. Then what would happen? But I guess none of that matters anymore.”

“Why? What’s gonna happen?”

He leaned over to her. “I don’t want you to whisper a word of this to your brother ’til I’ve had a chance to tell him, but I’m gonna send you two to live in the Great Lakes Territories.”

Emily nodded as she thought the plan through. “I kinda figured something like that would happen. Are you and Ma gonna come, too?”

James shook his head. “No, it’s just gonna be you two this time. With all of us goin’ together, we wouldn’t have the money and supplies to get that far.”

“When are we leaving?”

“Next Friday.”

“What’re you gonna do about Marsh? You know he’s been looking forward to this wedding for years. I don’t know what he’ll do when I don’t show!”

“I don’t know yet. I guess we’ll come to that bridge when we get there, but for now, your safety is our top concern, and it’s best that we make plans to get you out of Seaton. Hopefully, sometime it’ll be safe for you to come back, but I’m not holding much hope out for it.”

“Please, you don’t have to put everything on the line just for my sake.”

“Emily, you’re our child, and we’d cross the fires of hell to keep you safe.”
Emily rested her chin in the palm of her hand. She looked away from her father.

It rankled that he still continued to call her our child, instead of our daughter. Even though he allowed her to live as a girl, after all these years he still didn’t want to believe she was one.

At that moment, her mother came into the house. “Are you ready to go, sweetie?”

“Is there really any point? I mean, if I’m gonna be leaving and all?”

“You told her?” her mother asked.

“Yeah.” He turned to Emily. “For now, we need to keep the Marshes thinking that all’s well until we can get you and Aaron outta the parish,” he said to her.
“Besides, Emily, you’ve told me how much you’ve wanted to try on some fancy dresses,” her mother added.

“Yeah, okay; I’ll go,” Emily said evenly. She slid back in her chair and made her way toward the door.

“Remember, Emily–keep this between us for now, okay?

“Okay,” she said.

Emily walked with her mother to their wagon outside, and together they began the trip to Seaton. For a few minutes they remained silent.

“So, how do you feel about your father’s plan?” her mother asked, breaking the silence.

“God, it’s dumb. How–”

“Emily Anne La Rouche! Do not take the Lord’s name in vain!”

Emily looked away and rolled her eyes, “Sorry,” she said. “How does he expect us to survive out in the wilderness? I mean, why not just move to a town in Rogersville or Holy Mountain or something?”

“And how would you make a living in any of those towns? You won’t have very much money to live on, and if your brother doesn’t find work, you could very easily have to live on the streets.”

“And that’s worse than living in a dirt hovel in the wilderness?”

“I didn’t say that it would be easy, and it won’t be. But farming’s the only thing your brother knows. At least he’d be able to keep you fed.”

“I guess, but why do we have to go so far out of the way?”

“Because we don’t know what David will do once he finds out about you.”

Emily’s eyes widened. She looked at her mother. “You mean you’re actually gonna tell him the truth?” she asked.

“Your father and I have discussed it, but I don’t think that we have any other choice. David won’t accept anything except for you to be at the altar in two weeks. There’s no reasoning or bargaining with him, and we have no choice but to break the contract.”

“But why tell him the truth?”

“If he knows the truth and thinks that it could bring shame to his family, he might just break it off and that would be that.”

“That sounds like an awful big risk.”

“I know, but what choice do we have? If we just strand Jonathan at the altar, there’s no choice but for you and your brother to leave. But if we can just get David to understand the situation, there’s a chance we can stay together.”
Emily thought about the severity of her parents’ options.

“Ma, how do you feel about this?”

“Oh, Emily, I’m so scared! When we left the Marshes’ last week, David threatened your father to get our house in order or he’d make our lives miserable. I’m just so scared of what he’ll do. I go to bed every night praying, hoping that David will annul the contract, but in my heart I know we’re being ripped apart, and I fear we won’t ever be together again.”
Emily looked away from her mother. Her words only reminded her that she was responsible for everything that was happening. It reminded her that she was a liability, a complication, an inconvenience, and a cancer devouring the lives of the ones she loved.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve put us in this position. I’m sorry that you had to have a child like me. You deserve better.”

Her mother placed a shaky hand on Emily’s shoulder. “Don’t say things like that. I wouldn’t trade you for any other child on God’s good Earth. You’re a remarkable girl, and you’re a caring and loving person. The fact that the authorities would overlook that, just ’cause you refuse to live your life as they think you should, is a real testament to how blind they are.”

Emily shook her head. “But I complicate everything. I’m a burden to everyone. I don’t try to be, but I know I am. I know that Father thinks that.”

“Emily, you’re not a burden! Everything that has happened to us in this life has happened for a reason. You are a blessing to this family, because when the world seems unbearable and dark and lonely you light up our lives with your smile, your creativity, and most of all, your caring.”

“But Father’s resentful toward me. He always has been.”

“Your father loves you very much. He’s not the most affectionate man sometimes, and I know he’s had a hard life, but he cares for you as his daughter.”

Emily turned her head sharply and cast a skeptical glance at her mother. “He never calls me that. Ten years have passed by, and he’s never once referred to me as his daughter!”

Julia sighed, “He still loves you, though. You should know this: love and affection are emotions that men often have difficulty showing.”

“I guess.”

“You’ll have to trust me on this one. Many men would rather die than tell anyone what they’re really feeling.”

Continue chapter 7: http://www.dana-deyoung.com/bff7.pdf

Purchase novel on Kindle for $.99: http://www.amazon.com/Butterfly-Flame-ebook/dp/B0052G7NOS/re...

Purchase the novel on Nook for $.99: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Butterfly-and-the-Flame...