Andrew’s Dilemma

By, Cain129

 

 

Synopsis: Andrew is not your normal teenage boy, and has spent most of his short life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations for him and has suffered physical and emotion abuse, eventually this leads him to attempt to take his own life.

 

 

I just couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing I did made a difference, I had tried for years to live up to what everyone expected from me. The more I tried. the more depressed I became. There was no hope for me and I couldn’t continue living a lie anymore. There was no one that I could turn to for help, not even my parents.

My fathers name is Jake Roberts and he was a star football player in his teens. He had been offered a full college scholarship until he blew out his knee in his last year of high school, then ended up going into the military. Dad moved up in the ranks pretty fast. He was doing pretty well, except that he liked to drink a little too much. Eventually he lost control, and due to his lack of judgment, the men under his command died.

He was discharged and sent home in disgrace. Dad continued his drinking, and if he wasn’t getting into fights, he was being pulled over by the police for driving under the influence. This continued until the car accident where he lost control of his car and hit someone. He ended up going to jail.

A year later he was released. A part of the conditions of his release was he couldn’t drink and had to attend meetings. Shortly after he was released, he met my Sarah my mother. The two of them quickly hit it off, and a year later, them were married. I came along almost a year later. Dad was ecstatic when mom broke the new to him that he was going to have a son. He had already started planning the outcome what my life would be, and with his help, I was going to be everything that he wasn’t.

The only real problem with that idea was I sucked when it came to sports, and I didn’t inherit those skills that my dad valued. Instead I took after my mother for the most part. Unlike my dad, who at was my age was a husky kid that was grew to be very muscular, I was a skinny kid that didn’t weight more 110 pounds. Even so, dad believed I was capable and was pretty much blind when it came to accepting the truth, For years he pushed me to workout and build my up my body but all that happened was I toned up and became faster.

Yes, I was in excellent shape because of dad’s workouts. They really did nothing for me and when he didn’t see the results that he looking for . . God help me. At first it was just mental abuse, Over time, he became physically abusive. I tried talking to mom but as far as she was concerned dad could do no wrong.

She used to say that when I was older, I would be thanking him. The truth was that these were his dreams, not mine. As the days went by, I started to hate him for being unable to see past what he wanted. The only other outlets that I had were my friends. Megan and Jennifer and I spent most of my free time with them until the three of us started high school.

It was about that time when my life started really going down hill,Up to then,at least I’d had someone that I could talk to. When we hit high school the lines were drawn. Megan and Jennifer fell into the popular crowd. I was pretty much a non entity, and I really didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. The only thing that made me remotely “popular” was that the bullies seemed to take a liking to me.

The same thing had happened in Junior High School. After receiving beating after beating from the bullies, dad finally agreed to letting me take Tae Kwon Do lessons. In High School, there were new bullies and most of them knew nothing about me. A few of them
did try to beat on me. It was mostly just one on one, but when they realized that it didn’t work, they started coming after me as a group.

There was one time, though that Megan and Jennifer stepped in to try to help me. The biggest surprise was Scotty. He was new to the area and had just started at our school. He was very well built and later turned out to be the schools new quarterback. When he saw us, he didn’t realize that I was a boy. What he saw was a girl being beat on by a couple of guys. He took offense to that, and came over to put an end too things.

After it was over with. he found out that I wasn’t a girl. He took a lot of ribbing himself, but he was a nice guy and never let it get to him. I really didn’t know why, but he continued to step in when he saw that I was in trouble. I guess he did it to show the girls that he was a nice guy, and throughout the school year he never really seemed to have a moment where there wasn’t a pretty girl at his side.

Because of this, things did get somewhat better. I still received the occasional faggot comment. I could handle that. What I found the hardest to handle was the loss of Megan and Jennifer. I knew the truth, that it was the peer pressure that made them end our friendship. I really couldn’t blame them, hanging around me would have been social suicide.

The two of them did try to be nice about it and they felt they had plenty of reasons. We were teenagers now, and they were dating. They felt that it wasn’t healthy for a boy to only be friends with girls. The truth was much different. Just like Megan and Jennifer, I had also begun to enter puberty. Unlike the both of them, however, I found myself attracted to my own gender. Of all the people I could fall for, it turned out I was attracted to Scotty. It was a confusing time for me, and I was full of self hatred.

Over time though, the more that I thought about being gay, the less sense it made, I was a guy and the thought of being with another guy felt somewhat dirty. I knew deep down that there was some kind of attraction. Then one day I was watching a television show, and of all things, it was the Jerry Springer show. They had transvestites and transsexuals on this episode of the show. Of course, it was really hard to take it seriously, considering everyone was sleeping with everyone else.

It was just entertainment but it made me think. I went online and checked out a few websites. I found one that had real information. There were also stories on the site that were writing about the troubles that many of them had, and as I read more, I started seeing myself in the stories.

I came to the conclusion fast that I was not gay nor was I a transvestite. The few times that I had experimented, dressing in my mothers clothes, I had felt no sexual arousement of any kind. When I thought back through my memories, I could finally see just how messed up I was.

Deep down I had never really been a boy. Okay, maybe physically I was, but emotionally I had always been a girl. As I read further, I started to realize just how hard my life was going to be, I was already dealing with the depression and thoughts of suicide because I just couldn’t see any other solution that would end my pain.

After I realized that I was transgendered, my life didn’t get any better. I became more depressed, because I couldn’t be the person that I wanted to be. The depression was made worse because I still had to deal with my home life and the insanity of high school. The worst part of it was that summer was coming in a couple of months. My dad, in one of his drunken brainstorms, came up with a new idea of how he could make a man out of me and had signed me up for a military style boot camp.

I really lost it with him, and told him that I was not going and that I was done with sports and everything else,including his workouts. Dad completely exploded. He started calling me a good for nothing faggot, then in a fit of rage punched me. I went flying into the end table, and hit my head hard. The impact had knocked me out. When I came around, mom had a cold pack on my face and dad was no where to be seen. I knew that I should have called the police but I was scared.

When he did come back he said that he was sorry, and that it was the booze that made him loose control, he said that he would stop drinking and he did for about a week. During that time he was moody all the time, and it was like walking on egg shells. I would like to say that was the last time that he hit me, but it wasn’t. The beatings continued, as did the mental abuse.

I felt so alone and even picked up the phone a few times to call Megan or Jennifer but never let it ring through. The next morning I woke up and I just didn’t feel right, I remember getting ready for school and after going down stairs, dad was in a rage and was going on about how the little faggot had taken his money. The little faggot that he was referring to was me, and I had not been near his wallet but I could tell just from one look at him that I was in trouble.

The moment that be saw me, he started yelling at me, demanding that I hand over his money. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t the one that took it. It wouldn’t make a difference to him, no matter what I said. When he started coming toward me, I knew that there was nothing that I could say or do and just braced myself for the attack, but it didn’t happen. Mom had stepped in between us, and she told him that I didn’t have the money and it was in her purse where it had been since he gave it to her last night.

He just grabbed the money and left. I was pretty much at the end of my rope and couldn’t take anymore. I went into the bathroom, locked the door behind me and started crying. I just couldn’t take it anymore I opened the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of mom’s sleeping pills and put them in my jacket pocket, then sat down and tried to steady my nerves before I had to leave for school.

After a while I was able to get my emotions under control enough and went over to the mirror. I saw that my eyes were blood shot from crying I tried rinsing them out with cold water and that did help some and as I left the bathroom and could hear mom crying in the kitchen.
While I walked I thought about what I was about to do. It took me close to 15 minutes to make it to school, normally I would have gone straight to home room but I had other plans in mind today and made my way to the gym. It was a fitting place for years it had caused me so much grief now it would bring me peace.

The gym would be empty till second period I would have plenty of time. I made my way inside and worked my way behind the bleacher until I was against the wall and took a seat on the floor. I thought about what I was about to do as I felt the tears start running down my face again and just said two words’ “Fuck it” then swallowed the contents of the bottle.

As I lay there, I thought that if there was a GGGGod, maybe he would take pity on me and give me another chance and just maybe I would be normal. I could feel the pills kicking in and took out my note book and wrote a letter to my parents then sat it down next to me as then I passed out hoping never to wake up.

Dear Mom and Dad,
I am sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you wanted me to be, believe me I have tried but the more that I try the worse I feel inside. I am tired of fighting with you and everyone else including myself, I can’t keep on living a lie but I can’t be the person that I need to be maybe if there is a god, you will be giving a real son and I will be giving a chance to live the life that I should have.

Dad I don’t blame you for what you have done, I know you were doing it for my own good, at least that is the way you saw it. I just wish that you could have accepted me for the person I was and not the person you wanted me to be.

Mom I love you and I know that you have suffered as much as I have with the beatings and I am sorry, part of me feels responsible for that because most of it was directed at me, but now that I am gone maybe things for you will be better.

Anyway I am getting sleepy; I am sorry that I could not make you both happy but I did love you both and hope you find happiness.

Andrew

Megan was on her way to the gym. It was second period and they were playing soccer outside today, provided that the weather held up. It was looking pretty cloudy, and they were calling for a thunder storm later in the day. On the way to the gym she met up with Amy and Brenda and the three of them continued on to the gym.

“So are you going to be able to make the game later Amy?” asked Megan

“Yeah mom said it was alright, I just wish that I could have made the cheerleading team”

“There is always next year”, Brenda said with a smile.

Everyone felt bad for Amy; she would have been a great addition to the team, but because she had moved here in the middle of the school year, she wasn’t allowed to join a team. She still showed up for most of the games just to be there with her friends and support the team.

 

 

After everyone changed, they gathered inside the gym. Mrs. Anderson was already waiting and after everyone settled down, she looked around and saw that everyone was there.

“Alright girls, I don’t know how long the weather is going to hold out, but we are going to take the game outside. If the weather gets worse then we will have to come inside. Everyone, please grab something and meet me on the field.”

Megan grabbed the bag with the balls while Amy and Brenda took one of the nets outside. Once they had everything setup they started the game. They played for about a half hour before the lightning started, followed by the thunder. They continued the game until it started to lightly rain, then Mrs. Anderson told everyone that they were going to continue inside. They packed everything up again and carried it inside and continued the game with about 10 minutes left in the game.

Megan managed to steal the ball from Brenda but only ended up losing it when another girl tried to take it and the ball went flying behind the bleachers. Rather then stopping to retrieve the ball, they just used another one and continued the game. Mrs. Anderson called an end to the game, and Megan headed behind the bleachers to retrieve the lost ball, when she made a startling discovery.

 

 

At first she didn’t know who it was that was laying on the floor, but as she got closer she was able to see that it was Andrew.

“Andrew, are you all right?” She asked, as she got closer. There was no response.

Megan moved close and tried shaking him, but when she did the empty bottle of pill fell out of his hand. Fearing the worse she tried shaking him harder and yelling for him to wake up, but nothing happened. Megan checked his pulse, and she was able to find it but could tell that it was very weak. Megan turned and screamed for help.

Mrs. Anderson came running when she heard Megan scream for help. Soon she was at Megan’s side. She recognized the boy immediately. Megan handed her the empty bottle, she looked at it then yelled for someone to get to a phone and call 911 for help. She then checked Andrew again and shook him. Like Megan she receive no response. She then tried to check the child’s pulse and found that there was none. She started doing CPR on the child.

Megan was scared to death and blamed herself. She had known that something was wrong; she also knew that Andrew had tried calling her because his number was on her phone’s display. Why didn’t she call him back she thought to herself.

Megan broke down crying as she watched Mrs. Anderson trying to revive her friend and prayed that he would be alright. Eventually they were able to get his heart started again, and right about that time they could hear the ambulance siren getting closer to the school.

The whole time that Mrs. Anderson worked on Andrew, Megan held his hand and told him everything was going to be alright. It was at that moment she decided that being popular with the other kids really wasn’t that important. When she looked at Andrew she knew that whatever happened to lead him to this place might not have happen had she been available but she was going to make the time now if he would let her.

 

 

When the ambulance arrived, word had already started getting around the school that Andrew had tried taking his own life. As he was being wheeled out on a stretcher, Megan refuse to let go of him and eventually Mrs. Anderson said that Megan could go with him to the hospital and that she would call Megan’s parents and let her know that their daughter was at the hospital with a friend.

The ride to the hospital was a hectic one. Along the way the monitor that was keeping track of Andrews pulse stopped. They had to use the Defibrillator to restart his heart again. Megan was afraid that she was going to watch him die right in front of her. Once the ambulance pulled into the hospital the doctors were ready and waiting. They took him into Emergency immediately. The nurse asked Megan some questions.

 

 

Megan was able to give them his full name and the empty bottle of pills that she had found next to Andrew. She was then told to take a seat while they worked on Andrew. While she waited her phone went off. She saw that it was it was Jennifer calling.

“Hi Jennifer, I guess you heard?”

“It’s all over the school, how is he doing?” She asked, anxiously.

“He is not doing well, Jennifer. We almost lost him on the drive to the hospital”

“I never thought that Andrew would do anything like this”

“It was a complete shock to me too, Jennifer. I guess I knew things were bad but not like this.”

“You know that this might not have happened if we had been there Megan. I feel so guilty.”

“I have been thinking the same thing, Jennifer. I am not going to walk away again, even if it costs me all my friends, he needs us more then they do Jennifer.”

“You’re right Megan, whatever it takes, you can count on me.”

“Thanks, Jennifer. I better let you go for now, I expect mom too be calling soon.”

“Alright Megan. Give me a call later and let me know what’s going on.”

“Sure Jennifer, talk to you later”, I said as I ended the call.

 

 

Megan waited for what seemed like forever and not knowing anything was driving her crazy. She was about to get up and go over to the nursing station when she seen her mom getting off the elevator. When she seen her mom she ran over to her.

Janice took her daughter into her arms and held her, then after there embrace she took Megan’s hand and led her over to the waiting room and took a seat beside Megan.

“The waiting is driving me crazy! Mom, you’re a doctor will they talk to you?”

“Sorry honey, its hospital policy the only people they will talk to are family members.” She said. “I do know what they are doing honey, when a patient comes in from overdosing they have to pump his stomach to get rid of the pills that are still in his system, they will then monitor him for awhile and once he is stable they will have someone from Psychiatry talk to him.

Once that is done they admit him and depending on the patient he could be here for up to 6 months. I have seen patients that have had to stay longer then that too.”

Megan looked over at her mother, “6 months! Isn’t that an awfully long time?”

“Yes honey, it is. The stay is usually determined by the patient’s needs. I don’t know if Andrew will let the doctors help him. Andrew has major trust issues and until those are addressed then I am afraid there is not a lot that anyone can do for him.”

Megan looked over at her mother, “He trusts you, mom.”

“I’m retired, honey. I am not really equipped to deal with this. Andrew will need around the clock care for a while, otherwise he might try hurting himself again.”

“Please mom! I know that you can help him, and I know that Daddy would help, too. Jennifer already said she would do whatever she could to help, and I will too.”

“Honey, your father and I will have to talk about it, and Andrew’s parents would have to agree.”

“Thanks mom, I know it’s a lot to ask but I know if anyone can help him it’s you.”

Inside of the emergency room there was another problem altogether Dr. Masters made a shocking discovery once he had a chance to have a good look at his patient, he realized that he was dealing with much more then just a suicide attempt. There were clear signs of child abuse, the child was covered in bruises. He turned to Nancy, the RN that had been assigned to work with him and said,” I guess we know part of the reason the child tried to end his life”

Nancy looked really angry. “The poor child, I hope they throw the book at his parents.”

Dr. Masters walked over to the phone and dialed the number for Child Protective Services and waited till a worker came on the line. Eventually a worker came on the phone,” Child Protective Services, Karen Evans, speaking, how can I help you.”

“Hi Karen, my name is John Masters, I am a doctor at the Toronto General Hospital. I have a patient that came into emergency this morning after a suicide attempt. While treating him, we discovered that there are signs of suspected child abuse.

The child’s name is Andrew James Steeves. We have been trying to contact his parents all morning, but there has been no answer at his home.”

Karen began the paperwork on her computer. “I will contact the police immediately. Someone will be there to take a statement from you. Make sure that the child has no contact with his parents until we can make sure that this is a case of child abuse and not something else.”

“Alright Karen, I will have someone from security remain outside his door. When he was brought in, he was accompanied by a young girl with him. Should I have her stick around to talk to the police too?”

“She might be able to answer some questions. Is there a place you can take her so that Andrew’s parents won’t see her?”

“I will have her moved to the doctor’s lounge. Its private and the only ones that have access to it are other doctors.”

“All right, Doctor Masters. that should work. Please keep me informed on the child’s status.”

“Thanks, Karen,” Dr. Masters said, as he ended the call.”

 

 

After Dr. Masters ended the call, he called for security, then headed over to the nursing station and looked at Andrew’s chart. He found the name of the girl that had come in with him. Her name was Megan Roberts, he read as he headed over to the waiting room. As he went inside he was surprised to see a familiar face.

“Janice it’s been alone time, I take it that this little beauty is your daughter”

Janice smiled, “It’s been along time, John. How’s the family?”

“Everyone is great Janice; I am surprised to see you here though.”

“Megan and Andrew have been friends for years; it’s a shame that our reunion has to take place over such grim circumstances.”

“I hate to be all business but I really need to talk to you and your daughter about Andrew”, asked John

“Sure John is there somewhere you have in mind?”

John looked over at Janice and then Megan, “How about the three of us head over to the doctor’s lounge what I need to tell you I can’t really speak out here.”

 

 
After a short walk Janice and Megan found themselves in the doctor’s lounge and John told them to have a seat then took one himself.

He then looked over at Megan then Janice, “I wouldn’t normally be talking to you about this but the police are going to be here shortly to take a statement from me and they will also want to talk to Megan.”

“Let me take a guess, you suspect child abuse”, Janice said with showing her discuss.

“Yes the child has bruises all over him and from what I can tell, this has been going on for some time now.”

Megan looked over at the both of them, “I knew he was having a hard time with his parents but he never said a word to me about it being this bad.”

“It doesn’t really matter now, Megan. What is important is finding a way to help Andrew get though this”, Janice said as she put her arm around Megan.

Janice looked over at Dr. Masters, “I am thinking that there maybe other issues that are going to need to be resolved first and they may have played a part in the abuse and the suicide attempt.”

“What do you think the problem is Janice?” asked John.

“I think that it is possible that Andrew may be a transgendered. I have noticed things over the years that he seemed to be taking on female characteristics rather then male.”

John thought for a minute,” If that is the case then it is not going to be easy on him”

Megan looked over at her mother,” What is Transgendered?”

Janice looked over at her daughter, “Andrew my have been born a male physically, but mentally he could be as much a girl as you and I are.”

Megan looked over at her mother,” That would explain a lot mom, whenever we would hang out together it was like he was one of the girls.”

“The question is, will he admit to being transgendered?” asked John.

“I really don’t think so John, Andrew has been in hiding for along time and because of his relationships there are bound to be trust issues. I don’t thing he is going to talk to anyone till he feels that he can trust them and they are going too really support him.”

John looked over at Janice, “If you are right then he maybe here along time Janice, I don’t feel that releasing him is a good idea, next time we might not be lucky enough to get to him on time”

“You really think that he will try this again” asked Megan

“He has to find away to deal with being transgendered, otherwise it’s only a matter of time before he tries again.” John said sadly

John looked over at Janice, “I really hate to ask you, because I know that you are retired, but you maybe the solution to our problem, Andrew needs someone he trusts and right now there may be only one person that he will open up to and I think we both know who that person is, Janice.”

“Megan and I have already talked about it, and I am willing to take him on as a patient but I left my practice because I wanted to raise a family, so this is something I will have to talk to Steve about first and even if I did take him on I really don’t think the hospital is where Andrew needs to be. He needs to be somewhere that he can feel comfortable and cared for. If I could become his legal guardian, he would be coming home with me while he is under my care.”

 

 
It was around 3 pm when Sarah had returned home from visiting her sisters. Jake still hadn’t returned home from whatever rock he was hiding under and as she was coming into the living room she could hear the answering machine beeping which indicated that there was a message waiting so she walked over and hit the play button thinking it was most likely Jake that had called. To her surprise, it was the hospital and they were calling about Andrew. She thought that he must have been in another fight and ended up getting hurt but the message sounded pretty urgent. So she called the hospital and asked for Dr. Masters.

It took a few minutes before Dr. Masters came on the phone,” Hello, this is Dr. Masters. How may I help you?” He asked.

“Hello Dr. Masters, this is Sarah Roberts calling. I just got in and was checking my messages. How is my son doing?”

“Your son is doing fine at this time, Mrs. Roberts. A report has been filed with Child Protective Services, so I’m prevented from discussing it. It would best if you and husband speak with them, before you do anything else. I’m afraid the hospital will not allow you contact with your son until this matter is resolved.”