Bridges 17

Chapter 17

Cass’s Bit…

I fell asleep after everything that had been going on and the pizza party and having everyone over at Sam’s. Brandon was in the middle of us sort of but it was kind of nice. Not really sexually nice but close, good friend nice. Plus he didn’t mind me snuggling into Samantha.

A bit of movement stirred me a little and I felt a strong, thick Iron hard male hand and arm under me. I kind of blurrily opened my eyes and Brandon had me in one arm and Sam in another. Neither one of use are really small girls with my own weight close to one sixty and Sam must be close to one forty. But he picked both of us up without a bit of strain on his face and he actually carried both of us off the couch and up the stairs to Sam’s room.

I’ll admit it was kind of sexy-sweet. But Brandon’s like that. He’s probably the best guy I’ve met in a long time.

I’ve gotten to know him a lot actually as we spent time together as I kept him up to date with how Sam was doing. The fact that he hadn’t pressed charges and that he kept her from blowing her brains out put him squarely in my good books. There’s a really short list of people that I know right to my bones are good guys. Hell girls even too.

We also worked on her case together, him testifying on her behalf and making statements and there was even this time that some of the holy rollers from that child molesting bastard gave him a hard time and me over Sam being a danger to the community. When they couldn’t beat us in the courthouse they jumped us one night when I was helping him load sacks of feed for his horses at the local farm supply. Five guys showed up in two pick up trucks and ski masks and bats and hockey sticks. It was this fight in the dark as some one in the store killed the lights on the loading dock as they came for us.

I’m RCMP trained in hand to hand techniques that’s mostly Tae Kwon Do with elements of Jujutsu and Aikido thrown in for technique in restraining people, plus I grew up in a family of boys all who which played football and/or hockey and boxed or wrestled. Yeah I can take care of myself; I’ve always liked it that way. So when they came I gave as good as I got and dealt out a lot of cracked ribs, and other injuries. I know I broke one’s nose and hit one four good punches in a row to his kidneys.

I’m sure he pissed blood for awhile after that.

But that’s also when Brandon’s hand had shot out and caught the baseball bat from one of them in his hand just about four inches from the back of my head. I heard the thump crack of wood hitting flesh. That guy could’ve killed me or worse. Brandon Page is one of the nastiest street fighters that I’ve seen. It went hard for a few minutes then he pulled a butterfly knife. Not one of those martial art things but the flippy folding illegal street knife and there was a scary amount of expertise as it came out and danced in his fingers. When he did that it was like someone dumped a rattlesnake into the middle of the fight.

They took off, and we never got the plates, we never got the guy who turned off the lights on us. Or rather I didn’t. But after I had moved into Sam’s after Brandon and Ryan insisted, Andy told, well asked me about these six guys that were a part of the sick old bastards congregation who had been beaten the hell out of and I said honestly that I didn’t know a thing about it.

But going over to help out with the horses and the chores there was just this vibe in the air between the two. Like last night when they had those bats in the fight and ended things with a brutal finality.

Brandon’s a hard guy, I know he’s dangerous. But in the time that passed after that he’s a good guy too. He brings in rescue horses, he good to anyone who’s remotely different. He works with wood and earth and has this I’ve seen stuff thing about him that’s…Brandon.

Just like him carrying the two of us upstairs and into Sam’s room. I slide gently out of his arm as we get close to the bed and I pull back the covers. He gently lay’s her on the bed and she wakes a bit with this sleepy mumble and opens those eyes of hers in this sleepy sexy look. It takes my breath away you know that? Sam’s eyes looking at you when she just wakes up kind of throws this spell over you that you can feel you heart beat her name.

God she reaches out and takes me just by my fingers and pulls me into bed with her. I kiss her and kiss her and get lost to her touch. I’ll admit it; I’m in love with her. Head over heels hopelessly in love with her. She breaks the kiss with me and I’m catching my breath and she sits up and kisses Brandon. I can see she loves him too as there’s this look on her face as his hand touches her head and cradles her by the base of her neck, back of her head and she leans into it, breathes into it.

He breaks the kiss and steps back to leave, because I can see them saying goodbye and goodnight silently sliding between their eyes. It’s late and it’s really not fair or even right to send him home after the way we all fell asleep together, after the way that he carried us up here and…I reach out to him and take his hand. “Don’t Brandon, stay…please.”

God help me the sweet I love you, you’re so cool, I’m proud of you smile that Sam gives me is just…I’m not a crier, but there’s tears building in my eyes from that. Nobody has ever looked at me like that in my entire life.

He quietly says. “Okay, I’m going to take a shower first.” He removes my hand from mine and goes into the bathroom.

Sam’s already kissing me. My hands are all over her removing her clothes and she’s removing mine and I shiver in a good way as her perfect hands cup and rub my breasts. Her palm doing circles over my nipples and I’m arching into it just unable to stop. I’m so hot and horny and aching for her. Sam’s been making quiet love to me with her eyes since they opened and now she’s touching me, sending waves of pleasure through my body.

She’s such a good kisser, sweet, soft lingering unhurried kisses that even when she French kisses me there’s this slow sultriness to it like my tongue was my clit., she treats my super sensitive breasts and nipples with that same reverence. I return the favor just getting lost in my love of her but drunk in the intimacy of it. Sam’s fingers slide down and rub me, slowly and she lets my labial folds just slip between the spaces of her fingers and tease, rub, tease, drive me…insane then she slips her middle too fingers into me just right. Slowly at first, my juices flowing out to lubricate my folds being teasingly grazed by her fingers. Then her middle two fingers curl just enough that the wrinkly but of her knuckles drag over my clit and she pushes the pads of her fingers and drags them on the way out. Sam keeps up that just increasing the tempo until I’m humping, fff…fucking her hand no longer in control of my senses and I cry out “Sam…Sam…oh god, Sam…Sammy…Sa..man..thaaaa….” I have one of the best orgasms in my life, I dig my fingers into her skin and hang on for dear life as I spasm and…Oh fuck she starts doing this lady’s legs swimming wildly motion as I’m cumming, sending me over the edge.

I’m shaking as she lays me down and kisses with me. My body breaks out in a fine sweat as she stares at me with those dreamy eyes of hers and just kind of keeps moving her hand again as her breasts slip and slide between our sweaty bodies mimicking the tango that we’re doing with out tongues. I cum twice more to her touches before I want to, need to repeat the favor.

I roll her over and get lube and a condom and slip it onto my middle two fingers and slip them inside of her. It takes me a few moments of kissing her and worshipping her perfect breasts to finger her love spot. I love her breasts, God they’re so nice, B cup almost a C cup but Sam’s a runner too she they’re really toned, those want to make you beg breasts that I so have a thing for. I use my fingers on her until she’s moaning and mewling and panting and she’s got her girl pointing into me. She calls it Jane and I find it cute that she does that. I slide down kissing and take Jane’s still rather fit five inches and some into my mouth and slowing suck. Sam must have been well equipped before all the hormones, but right now it’s the perfect size. Not too long, not too thick and she doesn’t really taste like a guy does. Not quite like a girl but, not like any guy I’ve tasted either.

She’s got her fingers through my hair and she’s writhing on the bed, breasts heaving with her breathing and as I look up she looks down and her hands go to her breasts, and she rubs herself, kneads and arches. She cums and I just don’t suck, or drink it down but I really suck, I pull to her tip and suck her while holding her length and milk her shaft like I’m trying to suck the cum out of her without her ejaculating…as I’m doing that my other fingers are rubbing her love spot deep inside her and she’s sobbing “Cassy, oh god Cassy I love you. I love you, I love you…”

I kiss up Sam’s sweet body and we kiss and lay there intertwined in our afterglow for several really long minutes. I look at her and bite my lip, and ask. I have to ask.

“Sam? Did you mean it?”

She looks at me and doesn’t even ask what. “Yes Cassandra Cavanaugh I love you, I love you and I’m in love with you.”

I kiss her and she kisses me back and it’s awhile before Brandon comes back to the bed. He looks at us and something’s different. He stares at me and at Sam and there’s this moment of I know he’s not sure about joining us, like he’d be coming in between us.

“I can go; it’s not a big deal.”

I can’t do it; I can’t kick him out to the curb. “Would you stop being nervous Brandon, I’m a lesbian Brandon, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to freak out, or rip it off.”

Sam nods. “Come to bed okay, it’s late.”

He slips into bed as we move and make room for him in the middle. We settle into the bed all together and we cuddle into his broad chest and smile at each other, reach across him and interlace our fingers for a few minutes.

He smells different, and he’s smooth? I smell some of Sam’s Pears body wash on him and the hint of Nair under that. “Brandon? What’d you do?”

“You’re not into guys Cass; I just thought if I was going to be doing this I’d soften the blow.”

“You didn’t have to do that. I could’ve dealt with it y’know.”

“I know but you’re my friend Cass, I think you’re aces and if this just makes it better than it’s no big deal.”

Sam’s smiling at him and then giving me this See, look and she leans up and kisses him.

“It’s a big deal to me Brandon; you didn’t have to do this. It’s…It’s so above and beyond.”

“It’s just hair Cass, no big.”

“Yeah, it’s big and I don’t know any guy that do this.”

Then he looks down at me with this look that just hits my heart that in his own way he loves me too and he kisses my forehead and pulls us in closer. “You’re worth it Cass, now lets get some sleep.”

The only time that I’ve ever fell asleep in a guys arms like that was when I was little and the guy was my dad. Even being naked doesn’t bother me at all and he kisses Sam good night and she stares at me her head on his chest and him resting his head on hers and she reaches out and we lace fingers again but rest our hands palm down on his chest and fall asleep staring into each others eyes.

Sam’s Part…

We fell asleep together and I love them both. It might not last and that scares me. I told Cass that I’m in love with her and I wasn’t lying. Cass is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known both inside and out. I’ve never felt what I’m feeling with her with a girl before. I’ve even used Jane more than I ever had before and while I’m still determined to transition I don’t hate that part of myself anymore. I also thought that I’d never be into another lesbian relationship, but being with Cass has shown me that my last relationship with a woman wasn’t a real lesbian relationship, to the ex I was just a guy with breasts that she could kick.

Last night though, or rather early this morning I got to see Cass interacting with Brandon and got to see this really strong bond between them that’s sweet and beautiful and stronger than I expected but to see then like this together. I fell asleep holding her hand wrapped up in his strong arms flushed with an after glow and utterly in love and proud of both of them.

I woke up with a smile on my face and looked to see Cass pressed half sleeping on Brandon’s chest hair in a beautiful mess all over her face and dead asleep. I loved that, I inhaled that first morning breath and the combination of his smell and hers was just delicious.

I run my hand over my newly smooth Brandon and it’s actually kind of hot and not in that TG thing way but in the way that I can so much more appreciate the hard, hot, powerful corded muscles underneath that deeply tanned skin. My god it’s so much more of a turn on than I knew it’d be. He has scars you only get in combat; I know bullet scars, knife scars, burn scars too. That kind of crosses this bridge inside my head where I can trust him more than I could other people. He said that he never served but he gets it, he gets it and gets me more than I thought I’d ever find.

My hand slides down and Brandon’s got this beautiful thick specimen of morning wood. I move slowly and carefully down and pull him free of his boxer briefs. I pump him a few times still surprised and delighted by the heat and the hardness, his size. He’s no monster porn story guy but he’s above average with eight inches but he’s thick, really thick and consistently so. It’s a beautiful example of manhood and I smell it and nuzzle it and him like he was a fine cigar before taking him into my mouth. I know, there’s an ick factor for some people but I’m really into him. And I’m really attracted to men. And yes there’s still this little edge of really wanting to do good. I thought for the longest time that I’d just be alone and miserable. But it only just adds to the passion that drives me. Brandon moans my name, I woke him…Oops;)

I look up and he’s looking at me and so is Cass staring at me through the thin curtain of her golden honey hair.

I’m egged on by my audience even if the only sounds are the ones that Brandon and I are making. Even still it’s kind of quiet. Erotic even. I get more into it as Cass just quietly dips her fingers down to herself as she watches. This is the most intense moment of my life.

I bring Brandon to his orgasm and as he’s getting off so is Cass. I slide up their bodies and Cass offers me her damp fingers and I suckle on them before we kiss. Brandon starts to move to get out of our way but Cass pushes him gently back down. “We need to do this; I want to get past us dodging each other.” She says as she kisses me and passes Brandon a condom from the nightstand. I nod and kiss her back.

“I agree, we need to…” I gasp as she’s applying KY to myself and massaging me with her fingers. “I…I…love you, I love you both and I know it’s not…It’s not going to be…easy.”

Brandon sits up and kisses me and runs his hand over my hip and up my side and then cups my breast. “No, don’t be thinking that; Sam, Cass just let this just be what it’s going to be, and love it and each other as best as we can and be thankful that we even had it. This doesn’t have to be hard. It just has to be us.” He inhales sharply as Cass stroked him and guided him to where he can slide into me.

God it hurts so good when Brandon pushes into me and I’m filled with him in this way that just never can be matched by any toy, or at least not for me. I’m on top and it takes me a awhile before I find that spot that sends these jolts of pleasure through me and both of them are taking turns kissing me and suckling on my breasts and alternating between one doing the other or…having both of their mouths on my breasts…That brought me to my own orgasm very quickly.

Cass watches leaning back and away as Brandon and I pick up our speed and intensity. I feel him pull out and he moves behind me before sinking back into me. I can’t help but to toss my head back into a moan of delight as he sinks to his base and wraps those powerful arms around me and cups my breasts and starts to make love to me but there’s this great edge to it as his strokes become hard and forceful, yet gentle because of the incredible rhythm he’s using. I kiss with him and get almost hypnotized by that sultry hooded look in her eyes as she masturbates watching us right in front of her.

I’m almost there and panting it when Cass gets up from where she was laying and takes me into her mouth. When I cum I see stars and damned near hyperventilate. My orgasm is so much more powerful as my second one follows as my muscles tense up and I feel every blessed inch of Brandon inside of me as the involuntary tightening of my insides molds me around him, then I feel the pulses as he reaches orgasm.

I’m panting and sweating as Cass slithers up my body and we go breast to breast and kiss and kiss as Brandon slides away and watches us make out and make love to each other falling on the bed beside him and I use my hand and fingers on Cass in the way that she loves. Brandon reaches over to cup one of her breasts and she nods to him giving him permission and he suckles her left breast while I slide over to give him enough room and suckle on her right.

After her second orgasm by my hand she stares at him and looks at me with this fevered, yet pleading look and at him. “Please…I…I want to try…” I reach into the night stand and pass him another condom and keep kissing her and playing with both her breasts as Brandon moves her hips to him more and slowly sinks into her. I move out of the way and watch her get lost in the feeling of being with Brandon and she opens her eyes and stares and looks at me…reaches out to me and bites her lip. Brandon stops and leans down and kisses her as he pulls out. “Cass, I’m sorry, you’re not doing this…This isn’t something you really want is it honey?”

There’s tears spilling out from her eyes as she’s looking at both of us. More spill out as she closes her eyes. “I’m sorry guys, I’m sorry…I just thought…I though because Brandon’s so different than any guy I’ve ever met that it would be different this time…”

She starts to cry a little and Brandon pulls her into a hug sheets and all and shushes her and holds her. “Cass, Cass it’s okay, so you aren’t into me sexually right?”

Sniffle… “No..But…But.. I wanted to be!, I did!”

“Hey, you still love me right?” He asks leaning down close to her face, he’s even smiling.

“Y..Yeah.” I’ve never seen this side of Cass before, this deeply vulnerable side. “I love you, I really do I mean it, I’m not just saying that…”

“I know, I know Cass. Look we’re intimate, we’ve been intimate right?”

Sniffle… “Yeah?”

“But you just can’t be sexual with me, or any guy right?”

She closes her eyes again and some more tears. I get this, just because you’re gay or lesbian that doesn’t mean that you don’t still have issues about being normal/straight even if you’re out. She nods. “I..I..I just can’t, I want too Brandon, I’d love too but it just doesn’t feel right. I’m so sorry guys I’m so sorry, I’m…” Brandon leans forward until he’s touching her forehead to forehead. Cass opens her eyes again and stares at him.

“Cass, love is love and sex is sex and while they go together pretty good. I don’t or will ever have sex be the guiding force in why I love the people I love. And I love you Cass, I love you and that’s never going to change just because of sex.”

She hangs on to him arms around his neck and bawls for a few minutes. I look at him and lean past Cass’s head and kiss him sweetly because…because he’s Brandon, and there just isn’t anyone I’ve ever known like him. He passes Cass to me and I wrap us up in the blankets and he gently kisses both of us. “I’ve love to stay ladies but I’ve got horses and my animals to take care of.” I nod and Cass just smiles a tiny shy bit and he get’s out of bed and heads to the bathroom to shower.

Cass is still pretty sniffly and I lay back down into the bed with her and curl right up with her and intertwine myself with her and just lay there both of our hair a tangled mess and in our faces as we stare into each others eyes. After a few minutes I pull on of the sheets all the way over us like a tent and shut the world out from us. I bring my hand over to her face and gently move the hairs out of her face.

“Cass? Are you going to be okay?”

“I think so…I just feel pretty rotten and washed out about the whole thing.”

“I get that, I know you’re out and everything but there was still that little part of you in there that still kind of clings on to the whole straight thing.”

“Kinda, maybe. I just thought if there was a guy that might get me passed this thing that I have about not liking guys sexually it’d be him.”

“But it wasn’t.”

“No.”

“Can I ask what is it that you can or don’t like about guys?”

“I’m not all the way sure. I mean when Brandon slid into me it was fine, I was good with it but the more we began to make love the more it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t that I hate y’know a guy’s y’know because yours in just fine and I’ve got lots of toys but it’s like the weight behind it, the inertia, the way he moves and all of it just feels wrong like motion sickness or worse until I just couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“So you don’t hate guys then.”

“No, no I don’t hate guys heck if I did I’d be in a poor job to be in then and besides I’ve got like four older brothers, me and my mom are well were the only girls in the family until the guys started hooking up and getting married.”

“So what is you like about girls then?”
She actually chewed on her lower lip in that I’m thinking kind of way and was quiet for a few minutes before she answered. “It’s not a matter of me liking specific things about a girl. I like certain things more than others but for me it’s a lot of little things that have to do with the person that they are and their personality now.”

“Now?”

“I went a little typical or rather stereotypical young lesbian lawyer thing back in college. I got into the hook ups and the short hair and the female power thing before I got into that life a little deeper and found out a lot of these women are just nasty miserable people. I ended up in a crowd or rather a scene of people that just fucking hated men. I like guys, I have tons of guy friends and when I started to get sick of them and changed how I was living my life I ended up with a lot less bed partners but instead of hook ups they ended up being a lot more.”

“Sounds like we knew some people that be ideal for each other or hate each others guts. My ex-girl friend didn’t like the fact that I was biologically male and made it seem like she was such a big person for bringing in the boy to the world of women. She was very into the whole femdom thing but she liked to belittle me for serving in the armed forces. I was just coming out and starting my transition and everything so at the time I really didn’t get just how much she was just talking shit.”

Then totally unplanned we both said at the same time. “I love you because you’re real.”

We stared at each other then we burst out laughing, then laughter turned to tickling each other and then kissing then us making love again in that whole little world of ours under the sheets and when I slid into Cass she gave out this sweet little dreamy sigh that all was right in the world and then wrapped her legs around my waist.

I vaguely remember trying to swat at Brandon who ran his fingertip up the bottom of my foot while I was making love to Cass. And before he left, he turned on the stereo and one of those 70’-90’ love ballad digital stations began to play in the background.

We got up around noon actually and made our way into the bathroom. We showered together and cleaned each other up. Washed each others hair and I took my meds and my hormones. It was a routine that we both liked and yet we weren’t too familiar with. It was fun right along with me getting dressed to go out for my run. My two piece tights under my run fit stuff and my sweats over that and I looked at Cass as we went downstairs. She just had yoga pants on and a baggy t-shirt and an old plaid shirt that was unbuttoned over that. I liked the look on her. “You not coming?”

“What jogging me?”

“Yeah you. Aren’t police supposed to keep in shape and all that?”

“I go to the gym thank you very much and I’ve got stuff at home to use while working out.”

“I should get some of that here.”

“Yeah, it might be a good idea.”

“You could always move your stuff in here.”

She stopped and stared at me. “Sam…are you asking me to move in?”

“Yes, I’m asking you to move in with me.”

“Can I think about it?”

“Yes, of course you can think about it.” I give her a kiss and toss a couple of bottles of water into my jogging bag and some granola bars and eat two of those chocolate flavoured vitamin chews for women. I hug Jenny who’s in the kitchen baking up a storm of stuff and head out for my morning jog even though it’s lunchtime.

***
I love this area, I really do. It’s December and we’ve just gotten the first bit of snow here and being so close to the mountains it stays around a bit. It’s just a few inches but it has cooled the air and it covers the ground and just frosts the trees and with the abundance of pines and cedars and spruces along with the great big fir trees it’s an absolutely beautiful time to run.

***
It’s been a couple of days since I asked Cass to move in with me, actually it’s been a week since that night/morning with Brandon or rather the thing between Brandon and Cass had happened.

They’ve gotten past it, or I’m pretty sure that they have. It took Cass about two days before she just had to go over to the horses and it was just like everything went back to normal between the two of them. Brandon has nine horses but only four of them are able to be ridden and they take turns doing so, and exercising them and Ryan and Jenny and even me…although I’m still really green at it having only ridden a bare few times before they started to teach me. I’m far more content to feed them and the rabbits and brush them when I’m over there.

Cass has taken me riding though and we even went on the road and back up into the hills and down a couple of the logging and woods roads on a picnic. It was a good day and a great date.

Brandon and I are still together, still us even though that’s kind of just it. Us, it doesn’t need to be more than that. Cass has been to her place like two nights out of the week and I missed her and I slept over at Brandon’s one night and he spent the night with me the other. We’ve gone out twice just for a drive and the second time we stopped and had a nice supper at the diner that had started my flashback to my very young childhood and when I was daddy’s little girl.

Yes Brandon and I had spent those nights together making love as well as a few times just when the moment would take us when we’re together and there is just something cowboy yay…about making love on a scratchy horse blanket laid over some hay bales in the loft. I’ve done it once with Brandon and once with Cass. There’s something that was so sexy about the both of them in their work clothes and all hot from tossing down the hay bales to the floor of the barn, just sweaty enough in a good way and the smell of the hay still on their skin.

My sex life is great, and they both treat me like the woman that I know I’ve always been meant to be. Life’s just good really. I’m in love with two people just head over heels with both of them and they both love and care for each other. More than once I’ve found them lounging together on the same couch him holding Cass them just vegging out and watching television together. I’ll slide in with them and they’ll make room for me and they have no problem sometimes taking turns touching or kissing me.

The three of us still haven’t tried to sleep together in the same bed or try the threesome together even though in our pillow talk the two of them had admitted they love watching me being with the other. Brandon even said to both of us one night that Cass and I together either during our lovemaking or just pressed together kissing in afterglow would make a erotic but also touching painting. That was a serious blush moment for the both of us.

Things with Jenny are coming along well and when I’m not with Cass or over at Brandon’s I’m hanging out with her. Her accent is oddly southern United States where her family and her mother comes from. There’s people in her family from both Arkansas and Oklahoma. Her home town is so under the sway of their church that they’re almost like one of those Mormon communities. I know this sounds way too gay boy but she’s just way too amazingly versed in all of these really old fashioned womanly things that I absolutely love it. It makes me want to girl out and get all old fashioned girl sometimes.

She’s been teaching me how to bake better and to sew and a lot of the old school lady like stuff while Lacey and Cass and I teach her the heathen ways of today’s modern woman. It’s been a really good trade off too I’m bound and determined and so is Lacey that we’re going to get her into a GED program and get that girl back into school. She’s just too talented an artist and too sweet and smart a young lady not to. I really love having her as my little sister.

We’ve cleaned out the spare bedroom of a lot of stuff that mom but mostly dad had just tossed in there while using it a storage closet. It’s been mostly recycled or given away to the thrift stores in town or whatnot. I’ve well we’ve turned it into a spare bedroom and I’ve even got plans to put in some kind of gym or workout room in the basement.

The house is starting to look and feel like a home and I’m really enjoying it. There’s a few times where I just walk outside for a few minutes with a hot coffee in hand and just take in the changes to everything, enjoy it all, get all warm and fuzzy inside as I look at the Christmas lights.

Billy and Jenny have been seeing each other just about every night but as far as I can tell they’ve never had sex yet and even though she’s a grown young lady she and he haven’t really been out past two in the morning.

Rather embarrassingly there was a lot of my stuff in there from my earlier days and way before I joined the military and stuff. I don’t mind some of it though because there’s pictures of me and my folks there. My hormones get the better of me a few times and I end up going through a crying jag.

Even my PTSD has been a lot more manageable. The nightmares have sort of stopped, sort of. I’ve been worried about when I’m with someone sometimes that I might lose it and while they don’t wake me up screaming there has been a few nights where I’m up and slipping out of bed with Cass and sipping a coffee out in the cold on my porch swing.

There was a flashback when one of the horses took an ugly fit and kicked the wall of his stall and set me off with the loud bang. I hit the ground and hid deeper into the barn hiding like I was looking for cover. I didn’t black out but my flight response had taken over everything else for the moment. Ryan was there and he talked me down. He’s very good at that. It still led to a hard night that night though.

I’ve talked to my therapist twice now as she makes the trip up here and sees a few other people on an outpatient basis at the local hospital. She says I’m starting too make some good progress but she is concerned about how things are going between me Brandon and Cass. She is mollified by the fact that I’m a bit freaked about it myself too and that we’re at least for the moment trying to see that things work in a mature fashion.

Cass’s suspension just got lifted and she’s going back into work this morning. I can’t help but to watch her and get all fan girl gooey, turned on as I watch her go through the ritual she has of getting ready for her shift. There is just something so….yay…about seeing my girl getting dressed into her uniform and going over her gear and then strapping things on. It reminds me of putting my battle gear on…but a lot sexier.

I walk her out of the house and down to her RCMP issue Crown Victoria cruiser and kiss her and push her up against her car door. We kiss like that for a few minutes before she turns the tables on me and picks me up off my feet and sets me on the hood of her cruiser.

We make out for a few minutes more before she sighs and pulls me off the hood. And she smiles at me. “Look I’ve been thinking and Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I’ll move in with you.”

“You will?!”

“Yes I will, I’m here all the time. I’m basically paying rent at my place as a spot to hold my stuff right now and there’s not that much stuff anyway so…yeah. If you still want me too I’ll move in with you.”

“Of course I still want you to!!!”

“Good then, merry Christmas then.”

I dance sway over too her and plant a long, long movie star kiss on her just like the ones that you see on screen where the two people kissing are standing still and everything around them sort of spins around them.

Yeah, a long, deep, sweet universe spinning kiss.

I watch her get in her car this huge grin on our faces and I even watch her drive down the road until I can’t see her anymore. I feel Brandon wrap and arm around my shoulders and pull me into his arms and a hug as I’m still watching where her car drove out of sight.

“She finally make up her mind.”

“Yeah she’s moving in I asked her a week ago and she said yes.”

“Good, it’s about bloody time.”

“Huh?”

“Oh she’s been going on about trying to take this step for the last three days to me and Ryan, even the horses are sick of hearing about it.”

I burst out laughing and he keeps it up with a bit of a tickle, and then kisses me. I look him in the eyes and he smiles and I know that this hasn’t changed a thing.

“C’mon it’s cold out and Ryan’s cooking bacon and waffles.”