My Super Secret Life-4.

Chapter 4

I’d been home at Mom and Dad’s insistence for a few days now. They just wanted me to adjust to being home and safe while keeping me clear of my friends and Mattie. I still talked to them online but it was hard to not pull my hair out over the way that they talked.

Amy: “You’re like so totally getting like major sympathy votes because of what like happened.”

Stacy: “Oh like totally you’re really rocking it Sunny! OMG!!! You’re so totally rocking the whole like sick vote.”

Me: “Guys I’m like not staying home because it was like my choice. I’m just trying to keep my parents happy.”

Yes I’m speaking diztese because I’ve been getting looks from my friends whenever we do video chat. I’m slowly, slowly weaning myself off of it in front of my parents. Mom had been giving me funny looks about it and I just shrugged at her.

“Hey, I’m just starting to out grow it.” It sounded good enough that she went with it. Like dad noticing me reading more and being online a whole lot more. It’s not like I’ve got a superhuman IQ or anything but I did take a test and scored 139 on it.

It’s like before all of this I really never used my brain for a whole lot of stuff. I was more concerned with shopping and status and sex. When I think about the stuff I used to do it’s kind of scary, kind of slutty.

Amy: “So like when are you like coming back to like school again?”

Me: “Mom and dad said that’d I’d be okay to go back to school on Monday.”

Stacey: “So that’s like really cool, but can we like hang out again or are you on like quartantine or something like that yanno?”

I almost correct her about me being quarantined but it’d just go over her head. I thought about it a moment or two. “Yeah okay we’ll go like shopping or something but I wanna leave like room fer like Mattie if he wants to do something.”

Both of them squeal and start jabbering at once and as much as it gives me a headache it seems that we’re going shopping then meeting or getting the guys to meet us down at the beach.

I sign off saying I’ll see then in like an hour and I sigh and go look for mom and dad. Mom’s in the kitchen and Dad’s there too. He’s working on something on his laptop and drinking a coffee. He’s been working a lot from home since my whole ordeal thing. Both of them look up at me and smile. Dad looks me over like he’s still checking to see if I’m okay. “Is everything alright honey?”

“Oh, yeah Dad. I was just talking to the girls and we were planning on going shopping and then hitting like the beach and stuff. Is that okay?”

“I think it’d be okay. I think we’ve cooped you up here long enough do you need anything?”

“Uhm well, since you’re asking.” Big smile, and I flutter my eyelashes at him. He sighs and takes out his wallet and passes me his credit card or one of them.

“Please go easy on me.”

“I will thank you daddy.” I give him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek. I’ve got to be careful with it, I mean really. There’s buying stuff and being all into the whole girl thing but there’s just abusing the privilege too. I’m finding myself a whole lot more aware of this stuff now.

I head up to my room and take a quick shower and blow dry off my hair and knowing I’m headed to the beach I put on some lotion with a good SPF in it. I go for a nice sundress and sandals but I still go for my pink rose and lace Genevieve’s she was like this super models like super model and had started her own lingerie chain like the old classic place called Victoria’s secret that came out of the olden days back on earth and stuff.

I still like my girly stuff; I still am a girl even if I’m changed. It’s weirdly more fun now that I spent a day on the other side of the fence and heck; I’m still kind of sitting on that fence. I think part of the residue of the changes is the fact that I’m definitely bi-sexual now. I pay attention to women in a way that I just never did before.

I’ve been watching TV and seen commercials where women would be selling things to women and had thoughts of I’d like to kiss those lips, I want to touch her, gee what would it be like to do that and other things…Now don’t get me wrong I’m still into guys, I see a hot guy on the TV or whatever and I’m still thinking Yummy but there’s just more now going on in my head.

Twice over the last three days I’ve felt him stirring inside of me. Usually when I’m getting turned on towards other girls. I can tell it’s him; I get this weird kind of heat in my eyes actually that I checked out in the mirror once and they glow and are golden like the color had changed but the light behind them is like sunlight. That and it comes with this feeling of getting heavier, and of getting a hard on. Which is similar enough to getting my clitty hard but so, so different.

This morning really, really early I had uhm been in the shower relieving some of my girl needs…yes we do that. When I turned myself on and it led to me shifting and relieving pressure another way. OMG, the difference! Okay if you’ve ever read that the female orgasm is all of that then you’re sort of true, but a male orgasm is just as powerful but so much more suddenly intense. Or it was for me.

As a girl it just washes out of my insides to the outer reaches of my skin which is a huge part of female eroticism anyway and cascades back like ripples in a pond. A guy’s is different …really different. It’s like the heat, that sexual heat builds up inside of you until you just can’t take it anymore and you explode. And yeah we girls might feel like we explode too but we don’t, not like the guys do, not even close.

But there’s this huge spike of endorphins and feelings that go with it that just…it’s like every defense is completely lowered and their vulnerable for those short seconds.

I’ve though about that last part a lot. Guys are taught and raised to be so hard on the inside. Culturally they have their own expectations on them that they had better live up to. Things that would hurt us as women as people we get to cry and share and get over but even in a family most guys are islands unto themselves. Each time a guy has sex and finds release he opens up to that person and lets things out. It’s like a hull breach in space. He releases stuff he’s buried and if he’s with a single person then they see more and more and more of him until he starts to open up more. Yes it’s not all sexually driven either and there’s an emotional part of that too in a relationship but the sex is where the armour cracks.

It’s often those cracks and the threat of getting close to someone that has a lot of guys I figure running for the hills and hopping from bed to bed.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this and I kind of can see it from both perspectives. I mean take the friendships between guys. Real friendships and bonds are few and far between but you take those guys who are really there for each other because it’s socially acceptable to be that close for them. Cops, Firefighters, Military other stuff like that and you can see them as tight as it gets. Why some relationships go wonky because the girls are literally not used to seeing men that tied to each other. For a new girl it’d be a hugely hard group to get into unless she’s part of that culture. How many police or firefighters are married to girls from those kinds of families?

I honestly think girls and women don’t get guys because we don’t put enough thought into what has gone on in their lives. And it’s no good asking and badgering, when I was locked into guy form I was very tightly packed emotionally, contained. I should have been freaking out and crying. Hell I was really violent too but I didn’t break down. They are just not wired the same way as we are. Badgering a guy about his feelings is likely to be seen as intrusive and unwanted. I’m going to test all this stuff out as I see Mattie and see if and what happens and stuff. I’m curious to see if half of the stuff I’m thinking and feeling might be real.

Hell if I’m close, I might even write a book.

Oh and yeah I’m getting a handle on this changing thing. I was right if I can pool together feeling girly and me I can change back, if I can focus on feeling male and stuff I change. It takes awhile to do both just not in the flash like time it happened at the store so I figure that adrenaline does stuff to the process. Like a tweak to my fight or flight responses.

I get dressed and decide I’m at least going to treat myself to a new bathing suit but I pack away my faux-buckskin on just in case and pack sunscreen and towels as well as a bunch of other things I need.

I just get downstairs when Stacy pulls into the yard in her new Aero-Van and Amy is with her. It’s a Mecedes-Volks model so it kind of looks like those van things that earthers used to use back in the ancient 1960’s but bigger and mixing the classic lines of the two transport companies. I’m a bit nervous, I mean its Stacy and she’s flying.

But it turns out that my fears are actually ungrounded as we take off and pull into the civil flight traffic lanes. Yes we have flying cars here, it’s not what you think and it might be at the same time. One they’re sort of not too common for most people, this van is second hand and still would cost an easy half million sticker price. Her dad’s likely shelling a grand a month out in payments.

Two the civilian limit to the technology only lets you go about 70 mph on average while police aero-cruisers are rated at close to 300-400 mph, the same with emergency response vehicles. To me those are good things for those types of organizations.

Three even though we use gel-stabilized hydrogen in our vehicles now flying needs so much power to generate the anti-gravity polarity it eats fuel like crazy, then there’s the manufactured installed ceiling limits about fifteen hundred feet and all the rules and regulations and stuff.

But flying over the city about five hundred feet up tunes blasting and the windows down and looking at everything it’s so worth it. Plus you got to take a pretty hard piloting test before you can get your aero-license.

We stop at Fairchild Drive and we hit the shops there and we or rather Stacy hires a rental valet to drive her van from shop to shop as we hit the stores. We enter from the rooftop at Boleros and we start going from shop to shop there. Fairchild Drive is like Rodeo Drive from the olden days on earth. Its smack in the middle of diamond hills and it has two lanes going each way but instead of a divider between them there in a seven mile long galleria of high end everything from all over the place and the same for either side of the street. A coffee here isn’t a coffee and it’ll still run you between six and twenty dollars and the pair of designer sunglasses I was just looking at because they looked cute and have a name brand attached to them had a price tag on them for seven hundred dollars.

I feel a little sick. Did any of those people on the bus in those other areas of the city even make that in a week? Two weeks? I watch as Amy buys herself two pair of them. It’s really disturbing to me. I try stuff on but at the prices and stuff I just can’t bring myself to buy anything here not thinking of the other people out there who just can’t. The whole while Stacy and Amy are buying things that would make dozens of house payments for people who don’t live in that upper fifteen percent of the wealth category. Stacy’s dad is a big shot in the casino business here in town where the far east coast of the city near Diamond hills where we live is home to hundreds of casino’s and resorts right on the beach. Amy’s dad sells cars in our neighborhood, nice sporty little cars that cost you and arm and a leg. Both dads’ make seven, high seven figures a year.

I’m not poor either by any means, my dad’s a very, very well paid bio-ware and chemical engineer. I told you about the Vishanti and the bio-ware markets? Well dad owns the patent on this new organically grown thing that eats a bunch of fat cells and produces collagen. Yeah we’re really well off and mom still looks in her late twenties early thirties even though she’s forty four. Mom’s an attorney as well dealing in cinematic and film but as well as deals in the occasional divorce too. She only works when she wants to and not because she has to and she gets paid really well. I know I’m bragging but bitching at the same time. I’m part of that section of society that is the rich kids that everyone else wants to be like, or to use, or just hates because looking around me at the people that are shopping and comparing them to the people waiting on us.

Yeah, I’m part of the rich douche bag set.

And then there’s the fact I’m getting really distracted and fighting myself. I like shopping or I did and I like my friends even though lately they’re driving me a little nuts with the valley speak and all that. But it’s him that’s driving me a little around the bend. Both Stacy and Amy are really beautiful girls. Picture a pair of seventeen year old blondes that are in great shape from cheerleading and yoga and stuff now add it that their both had facial symmetry surgery done and their noses done and then they’ve had dad’s collagen treatments so their seventeen year old perfect bodies are covered in literally perfect and taut skin of a fourteen to a fifteen year old and you’ve got the average rich teen girl from Diamond hills. Complete the look with no body hair and a set of flawless perfectly symmetrical d-cup breasts and they are the living dream of girl hotness.

Oh they know it too so they wear the sexiest lingerie and things and even if they don’t act like the way they do in school around me I’m dressing and undressing with them in the dressing rooms seeing them in their under things as well as seeing them naked and it’s turning me/him on. I feel my eyes getting hot every once in a while and that feeling like I could shift and really want to do things with them, to them…it’s only the sheer fun and slinky girly feeling of getting dressed myself that is keeping me I think from shifting over and some…okay a lot of will power.

It’s making me kind of cranky and very, very sexually pent up. My hot girly parts ache and hurt and there’s also that kind of and ache inside of me like pent up male arousal too.

It makes for kind of a long morning. I really wish that Amy or Stacy had some lesbian tendencies but they don’t and are kind of snobbish and hostile toward people who are different.

It’s tolerable though and actually gets a whole lot better when we get to the beach. I change and we stake out our place at the private members only beach that is part of the casino area the Stacy’s dad works for.

As soon as I hit the sun all sun-screened up and in my bathing suit I’m feeling better. The first thing I do which we never do is go for a swim. Yeah I was one of those girls who’d go to the beach and not go into the water. But with the day and my frustrations I need the swim and the cool water. I swim out to the buoy line and the nets and stay out there for like fifteen minutes before heading back I’m kind of body surfing with some of the swells. God I haven’t done this since I was like nine or so and then it started getting to where it just wasn’t cool to just go the beach and have fun in the water.

The girls look at me when I get out of the water.

Stacy: “Geeze sunny why’d you go like out inta like the drink now your hairs like all kinda ruined.”

Me: “It was a long day and it felt good. I guess I was just wanting to feel the cool liquid over my body and stuff and like the pools okay but the waves are like better.” Yes I’m throwing off some valley into the way that I’m talking. They’re my friends and I’m not ready to change everything about who I am that much.

Amy: “Yeah I can like get that, plus you were like majorly horned up all afternoon.”

I blush, shit, shit, shit.

They both start to tease me about me spending all day thinking about Mattie. Because I hadn’t seen him in so long because it’s only been a couple of days. I’m “apparently” wanting it so bad. But then if I go by my memories I was kind of slutty with him. He’s a social catch in our part of society. The way I used to think about stuff I had to have him/keep him.

I get myself rinsed off under the fresh water taps and go to lay in the sun with the other girls. There’s a lot of my crowd there and there’s some talking about what I went through and me still going with the whole memory loss thing. All that hot girls in just bikini clad flesh is just…very distracting.

Until I start to sun myself. Oh my god, there’s something going on with this…me and the sun…It just feels so good to lay there and just kind of let it sink into my body. It sinks in like this deep; deep down feeling that feels like it’s going right into my bones. I kind of drift off melting like a cat over a heat register.

I’m not sure how long I’m in my nice little sun coma before I hear. “Hey baby.” I look up to see Mattie looking at me and he’s as handsome as every. Light brown hair cut short for his helmet, blue eyes and that dimpled smile.
I smile back. “Hey handsome.”

He leans down and kisses me. Okaaay Kissing boys is still of the good.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too Matt.”

“Matt?” He looks at me.

I shrug. “Isn’t the cutesy stuff getting a little old?”

“Okay…are you okay Sunny?” He’s looking at me like he’s trying to figure out if I actually am alright.

“Yeah I’m like fine it’s just after what happened I think it was like time that I grew up and took life and everything like just a little more seriously.”

Amy: “She’s been like weird like that Mattie like ever since she like totally like came back from her hunky abduction and stuff yanno.”

He looks at her then at me and sits down beside me. “’Kay I can like get that babe, but you did like miss me and all right?”

“Absoltively.” I say and give him another kiss. He gives me this huh? Look and then shrugs and kisses me back. Uhm…please, please don’t let him be some dumb jock.

It actually doesn’t seem to matter too much as we kind of spend about an hour kissing and wrestling tongues and getting more familiar with me. I look at him and he looks at me and we take off into one of the cabanas. I’m really worked up, horny and not just from the girls and the day with them so far. I think there’s some of “Him” permanently in my system because testosterone in women tends to make us more sexually excited, it’s the same as the guy thing I think.

Its sex, it’s not just sex it’s fucking. I’m so turned on by the time we get around to doing it I’m crawling out of my skin. I’m under him taking him into me demanding harder and faster a lot, then I revive him with a blow job and drink him down and then keep going until he’s hard again then I take top, then kagel him back to life and take him anally for the first time ever and yes we’re using condoms and stuff. We finish with a 69 and Mattie crying out. “Sunny! Sunny stop no more!” I snuggle and kiss with him but I’m still lit up, still full of all this energy. I kiss him again. “Hey, I told you that I missed you.” I give him another kiss and smile. “I’m going for a swim.” I leave him nodding in exhaustion.

He comes out a half hour later and I’m just coming in from my swim. I swam out again to the buoy line then down along it until I came to the next one and then back and body surfed/swam back to shore. I’m actually getting rinsed off again under the fresh water taps when Matt comes out and wraps his arms around me. “Wow, you were an animal in there are you sure that you’re okay?”

I turn around and look him in the eyes and smile at him. “Yes silly it’s just like I said I’m like not taking things and stuff for granted like I used to. I’m also like done being like the totally stunned blonde that I used to be.”

“Huh? You mean the Sunny that I know isn’t like the real Sunny?”

“No, not really. I mean I’m like still like me but I was like trying to be dumber than I really am. I mean I’m just not really that dumb or anything and I’m really not into the whole party scene thing like I was pretending I was.”

“But the sex?”

“Just now was really me Matt just that’s the me that I want to be when I’m with you. Are you mad?”

“Mad, heck no. I’m kind of shocked and even a bit confused and stuff but I’m not mad. I mean that’s one of the reasons I was talking to Amanda really because well she was hawt but not like a total brain-dead bimbo.”

“You thought I was a brain dead bimbo?”

“Well kind of? You did like totally act like it.”

I actually can’t help the tears that come from that. It hurts. I know I’m different now and things should be different now but before even if he doesn’t know it was actually who I was and I was trying to be as smart and funny and sexy as I could only to apparently just actually be a brain-dead bimbo. That really hurts and I actually feel kind of cheap and ashamed of myself and who I was and how he and how so many others thought of me.

He might not be some brilliant guy but Matt does reach out and holds me gently and pulls me into his arms. That counts for a lot.

It takes me awhile to calm down and let go of it. It doesn’t matter now, it doesn’t I’m literally a different person now and I’ll never be that shallow dimwit that I used to be. He looks at me after I rub the tears and stuff finally out of my eyes.

“Hey, you better?”

“Yeah I guess it was still kinda like a shock to really get that others seen me like that.”

“Yeah I guess but why did you act like all like dumb and stuff anyway?”

“I uhm, uhm thought that guys liked girls better if they was like all smart and stuff. I mean I didn’t want to lose you and stuff by like being a brain and stuff.”

“Hey that is something dumb. I kinda like a girl that I can totally like talk to and stuff right.”

I smile at him. Yeah he kind of sounds like me and the girls just not a heavy with the valley talk but I guess it kind of rubs off on you and there is a bit of the whole regional thing. A whole like lot of like people talk like this.

The day goes on and we just kind of chill out and hang with our friends. The guys get together a game of flag football and I ask if we girls can play too. It turns out to be a bit of goofing around and fun but the whole thing is getting my blood up. I can feel “Him” in there just sort of seeping out of me a little bit. It kind of makes me more competitive and there’s this whole thing with me being able to run a little bit faster and willing to despite me being in a bikini and the bouncing achy ow of running really fast. I fix that by digging a sports bra out of my bag and wearing that instead.

Sports bras are good to have if you need to carry extra under things, you can just roll most of them up and toss them in your bag.

It’s actually a lot of fun as I kind of tomboy it up and I’m on Matt’s team. I make like four good passes to him, catch the ball like the guys do twice and even one of them was an interception that startled the other guys so much I scored a touchdown.

Matt’s kissing me because we won and he’s all excited and happy and stuff. “Wow Sunny where’d all that come from?”

“You silly and doing all that cheerleading you kind of learn like how to play the game and stuff. And like I said, it’s a new me. I’m not holding back anymore.”

“Well I think that this new and improved Sunny is like the bomb.”

“Thank you Mattie.” I say it as a term of endearment rather than a pet name and we start to kiss again. The girls let me get my things as they’re going to take off with their own boyfriends and stuff and Matt’s going to drive me home.

We eat dinner at my place, it’s kinda late and stuff nearly seven in the evening but we waited until dad got home so we could BBQ. I’m starved, and I don’t hold back and I actually eat. I actually make a pig of myself. I have a hot dog and a burger each, I kill a chicken leg and thigh slathered in BBQ sauce and some grilled tuna steak along with Mom’s killer avocado, cilantro and cumin spiced sweet potato salad. I’m not going to worry about my weight thing I keep in shape, I’ll burn all this off. Besides I’m freaky starving.

Matt gets a kick out of seeing me eat. We even have fun after that we play Frisbee with dad and mom for awhile and then head inside to watch some TV in my room and hang out until about nine and I walk him to his car. We end up kissing, hands running all over each other in a short time and we end up crawling into the backseat and I give him another horny and hungry for it blowjob.

It’s this stuff in me, I swear it takes very little to get me going. It’s like I’m guyish in how little it seems for them/us to get hard. I get turned on really quickly. It get him hard again and straddle him and I’m in control, on top and I’m kind of hard on him as I ride pushing down and clenching him inside me with my muscles and staying clenched on the up and outstroke. Matt’s soon gasping and crying, and swearing saying stuff like Goddamned it! And dropping the F bomb and the Oh My F bomb and stuff over and over again. I think he hurt when he came. Matt, my big hard stud…whined.

I’m panting and flushed from my own three hard lighting me up on the inside orgasms I had and I kiss him and slip back into my bikini bottoms. I can’t help but to grin at him. “You okay baby?” yeah I called him baby for a change.

“Yes, no…I think I just had a heart attack.”

I laugh and kiss him again. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He nods. “God Sunny, I..I think I’ve falling in love with you all over again.”

I kiss him and get out of his car. “Call me tomorrow?”

“Not tonight? Or when I get home?”

“No, I’m going to go and soak in a nice bubble bath honey and just enjoy what we just did even listen to some tunes before going to bed. You don’t need to check in with me. Go have fun with the guys and stuff it’s Friday night.”

“Really?”

I laugh. “Really honey. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I closed his car door and walked backwards waving as he drove off still looking confused. I mean I suppose he’s got a reason and all. I was a little bit of a stalker girlfriend calling him a lot and texting when he wasn’t with me. To let him go and hang with the boys after me being all sexually aggressive with him and just being such a different me. He’s got to be thinking about all of that. I hope that he isn’t finding all of this a little too much.

I slip into the house and help mom do the cleaning up after supper and stuff and even turn the leftovers into chicken salad. She looks at me as we work. “You’re having an early night.”

“Yeah, I kind of stopped with the whole like super airhead version of me today and he’s got a lot to get around in his head.”

Mom’s giving a funny look. Then a different one. “You uhm smell like sex.”

“Aah, yeah…sorry?”

“So can I ask how long you’ve been having sex?”

“With Matt or in general?”

“Matthew’s not your first?”

“No.” I kind of duck and hide my head.

“Okay young lady we need to have a few words.” she beckons me to her office and goes to the bar and starts making a drink. “Close the door Sunny.” I close the door, nervous. I turn and she passes me a drink.

“Uhm Mom, I’m underaged.”

“So you’ve never drank before?”

I duck my head and blush. “Yeah I’ve drank before.”

“When did you have you’re first drink?”

“When I was eleven.” I watch the eyebrows go up. “Pardon me?”

“It was when we had that big sleepover at the Fairmont Casino that Stacy’s dad set up for us. Well the staff missed the booze in the mini-bar and we all tried all of it. I got really really sick.” I sip the drink she gave me. “This is good what is it?”

“It’s called a Cosmopolitan. So have you drank a lot after that?”

“No, not really. I never really liked beer, and wine only when we have it at suppers, mostly a cooler or two at some parties. I’m not really a drinker just kind of socially.”

“And the sex?”

“I lost my virginity when I became fourteen, but I’ve been having oral sex since I was twelve.”

“Sunny!, Jesus Christ what the hell are you thinking?”

I winch and slump, tears from the shame of who and what I was like was over me all over again. I start to bawl.

“I’m sorry Mom! It’s jj..just that everyone else does it!…th..th..the boys just wouldn’t talk to you unless you were like one of the girls that..pu..pu..put out and..I wanted them to l..l..like me and there..there was a competition between the blowjobs for like getting these charms for a charm bracelet and…I just wanted to be th..th..best!, Th..the mmm..mmost popular. Now I don’t want that, and because of how I was everyone thinks I’m nothing but a stupid slut!”

I break down crying and Mom comes over and holds me and carries me over to the couch. She holds me and rocks me and even sings to me.

“Sunny?”

“Yeah (sniff) Mom?”

“The other girls they did stuff like this too?”

“Yeah, well most of the ones that I hang around with or that I used to hang around with.”

“Then you haven’t done anything where a whole lot of other people have done too. If they get all in your face about it you have just as much dirt on them. The other people that might give you problems and stuff can stuff it. There’s no shame in changing and wanting to become a better person. Most people will get the whole changing and growing up, just keep yourself strong honey. This is a big deal, you’re actually taking control of your life and stuff. And you’re doing it earlier than I ever did.”

“I am?”

“Oh God yes honey it took me two years after college before I settled down. I never partied and did the things that you did in high-school but in college…I was pretty wild back then.”

“Like how?”

“Not tonight young lady, I’m still processing everything you told me. I’m not ready to start trading war stories with you yet.”

“I..okay mom.” I hug her and she hugs me back.

“Sunny?”

“Yeah mom?”

“Are you into any drugs.”

“No mom. Not my scene. Besides they drug test the cheer squad now.”

“Have you done them?”

“The odd joint or two but it just never appealed to me and I didn’t ever do like coke or stuff that strong because I never wanted to get hooked. And the needles and stuff just scare the crap out of me. And I’m not really into the pills either, just the whole thing’s just too scary for me. I don’t want to become a junkie. Penny Singh became a junkie.”

“Little penny from when you where in girl scouts?”

“Yeah, she overdosed last year mom. They found her after a party in the back seat of her dad’s car in their garage with the needle still in her arm.”

She’s up and hugging me. “Good girl, I’m proud of you for realizing that you need to change things honey.”

“Thanks Mom. I’m glad we can talk like this.”

“I’m glad too honey.”

I leave and do what I had told Matt that I was going to do. I run a hot bubble bath and put on some tunes and sink into things and to relax. I’ve never talked to mom like that before. I’ve never really ever talked to her not like we were close. I soak and muse about the whole situation. I stay up long enough to make sure my hair’s dry and then got to sleep listening to my online music preference channel.

***
I dream of space.

I’m out in space as my guy self but without a suit or a ship and I’m in front of the sun. I’m closer than even the first planet in the system and it’s so huge and this mixture of yellow flames and this kind of oranges and there’s swirls and ripples in the surface of it. More molten than the shiniest molten metal and it’s so powerful and almost hypnotic and I can feel it filling me with energy and strength and power.

***
I wake before my alarm clock and head out for a morning jog, dressing in a sports bra and a tank top and short shorts before getting myself a big bottle of water and guzzle down some orange juice draining the entire one liter of Tropicana and grab and eat three cereal bars as I take off for my morning jog.

It’s was a really strange dream I had and as soon as the strength and power of the sunshine seems to rain down on me and I’m not just jogging which I do quite often to keep in shape but this morning I’m running and I’m loving it.

I still vividly remember that dream and I’m not sure what it means but I thought I’d have had different dreams considering what we, me and mom talked about last night. I stop and jog in place as I wait for lights to change and I’m actually about ten, twelve miles from home. I decide to take off to the closest strip mall where there’s a coffee shop and stuff. I’ve got my debit card with me now stuffed in my sports bra and a coffee and something else to eat is sounding good. I hit the side street down to where there’s a pedway that goes over the pedway. I slow to a walk and watch some traffic trying to cool sown and air out before going in all like sweaty chick.

There’s honking of horns and I see lights flashing and a high speed car chase coming down the street at me. They’re chasing after this SUV and I see it hit the divider and it crashes and flips into the traffic and it all snowballs from there.

There’s flames and horns and screaming and there’s flipped cop cars even. It’s before I even really know it I feel the rush of energy through me as I’m jumping off the pedway through the hole I tore in the mesh and land. Guy mode, form or whatever, I’m dressed differently, like the dream. Golden boots, and golden belt that clicks together and holds up my pants. Some kind of heavy lycra like black pants and tee-shirt.

I look myself over and take a look up. It’s a forty foot drop…It still takes awhile to process all of this. I take a breath and run towards the first car I see.

“Here I go again.”