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What if there was no difference between dreams and reality? What if reality was the nightmare and the dreams were true? What if it was possible to wake from reality and into your dreams? What if you could leave one behind and be in the other forever? Would it really matter, just so long as you were happy?
 

 
 

 
 
Prelude
 
Bill had been driving for eight hours straight. He was tired and stank of sweat as the broken AC in the cab did little more than blow the heat from the big truck engine onto him. Worse still his backside was very sore from sitting for a long time. The sensations reminded him of his time in prison. He had sworn to never let himself end up back in prison. He was lucky that his ex-wife's brother Mike, still liked him and had given him this job and that his parole officer had approved the job despite the travel required. He appreciated the break he had been given and he worked hard to prove it.

The rest stop up ahead was a welcome sight. Bill pulled the rig into the truck area and got out and stretched his aching limbs and backside. The cool, prairie night air reinvigorating his tired eyes and brain. He looked at his watch. He was doing okay for time so he could kill about fifteen minutes here before he needed to be back on the road again.

The smell of dirt, diesel and the hot engine reminded him of just how far he had fallen. One fucking mistake and he spent seven years of his life in prison. He had lost his wife, his children and his cushy three hundred thousand dollars a year job, not counting the bonuses, as a lawyer.

He suspected Mike had not given him the job just because of their friendship. There were times he saw a look on his face that made him think Mike was gloating over the fact that Mr. High-and-Mighty-White-Collar-Man was now reduced to a working man, dependent on his charity for survival.

Bill finished in the washroom. It was smelly and barely suitable for someone of William's standards. However he was not William any more, he was Bill, a long haul truck driver who would be back in prison again if he made one mistake. Early releases could be revoked in the blink of an eye if his parole officer didn't like anything.

Bill trudged back to his truck. He did a walk around to make sure things were okay with the brakes and the other mechanical parts of the truck. He was just about done his walk-around when he heard a thunk and what sounded like a moan inside the back of the container.

"Shit!"

Was someone stealing from him? Was someone stowing away in his truck? Either way it was not a situation he wanted to be in.

He cautiously made his way to the back and noticed the lock while still in place had been pried open. Whomever was in there could not get out. Possibly it was some drunk college kid whose buddies dropped him in the back as a joke on one of Bill's previous stops.

He quietly made his way to the tool kit and pulled out a big wrench. He then carefully made his way to the back of the truck. Without making any sound he removed the broken padlock. His pulse was racing. One wrong move and he would be back in that hell hole again.

He took a couple of deep breaths and opened up the doors, flashlight in one hand and the wrench in the other. His heart almost stopped when he found the source of the noise.

"Fuck! No, this can't be happening to me!" Bill said quietly to himself as he imagined his life behind bars again.

Inside was a naked boy maybe ten to twelve years old. The bruising on his ribs indicated that he had been kicked in the chest many times, probably had cracked or broken ribs. The boy's face was a mess, it would take a lot of work to put it back together again. His eyes were swollen shut and it looked like he may be missing a few teeth. There was some dried blood from the wounds and mouth on the floor of the container. Whatever other damage the kid had sustained was hidden internally.

Bill quickly looked around. It was the middle of the night and while there were other trucks in the area it seemed like the drivers were all asleep in their sleepers. A quick look around the area gave him an idea. That truck over there would do.

"Sorry kid, but if I call the authorities no one will believe I didn't do this to you. Then I'll be back in prison living as someone's bitch again....I'd rather die."

He thought back to where his troubles had all started. William's brilliant defence skills and getting his guilty-as-sin child molester client off scott free. William's wife and children were out-of-town on a vacation he could not attend due to the length of the trial. Drinking till the small hours of the morning in a victory celebration and his client's generous bonus. The attractive young woman who hit on him all night until they left together and found a room to enjoy each others' company. Finding out that she was really a he and thinking 'What the hell!' as William had harboured a secret curiosity about such women.

Then the bitch had ruined everything when she recognized him from all the publicity surrounding the trial and had threatened to blackmail him. It turned out that she was underage although from the way she dressed and acted he had thought she was older. It seems she wanted him to pay for all of her hormones, surgeries and anything else she wanted in return she would keep silent about this and any future encounters she chose to have with him.

William had struck out at her in drunken rage. When he had stopped hitting her and come somewhat to his senses, her face was a mess. She would never be pretty again. He was not even sure if she was alive or dead as he fled from the room in blind panic. He had left so much evidence behind in his haste to get away that it ensured his easy conviction. The trial had been over within days and William was reduced to nothing. Everything he had, everything that made him the success he was, had been taken from him; only Bill a convicted sex and violent offender remained.

The face of his young stowaway and that girl were quite similar in appearance, well once they had been pulverized. God he wished he had never been born.

"I'm sorry kid, but it's you or me; I'm choosing me." he whispered in apology. He rationalized to himself the kid probably could not be saved anyway.

Searching the area for something suitable to hide the boy in he quickly found a small tarp that had been blown off someone's trailer and caught in the brush. It was small but would be big enough for what he needed. This time Bill made sure he used his gloves to keep his prints off everything. There would be no evidence to link him to the boy. He wrapped the boy inside the tarp and then carried him over to the other truck.

"BC [British Columbia] plates, good! That will take you about as far away from me as you can go kid."

Bill worked quickly and quietly securing the tarp to the back of the flatbed with several other similarly coloured tarps. Hopefully the driver would not notice the extra tarp for a long time.

Making his way back to his rig he decided the sooner he was out of there the better. Cleaning up the blood in the container would have to wait until later. Closing up the container and getting back into his truck Bill made his getaway, no one ever knowing his part in the boy's tragedy.
 
 
Denver, or Denny as his friends always called him, did not notice the extra tarp until the morning after he arrived home. He called the authorities the moment he discovered the barely alive body inside. He was grilled mercilessly by the police, but he was eventually cleared of any wrong doing. Denny could not even tell them where he might have picked up the boy, other than the seven stops he had made since the start of his journey home, where he had the correct amount of tarps on the flatbed.
 
 
 
Reflections on Insanity
 
The shaking of the jet as it hit some minor turbulence brought me into the moment. I blinked and looked around me. I was definitely on a jet and it was in the air.

'Damn!' I wanted to cry at this latest unexpected twist in my life. I've been crying too much of late.

"What the hell is happening to me now?" I said it loud enough to draw the attention of the woman across the aisle from me. Thankfully I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear what I'd said, just the tone. She looked at me for a moment as if seeing me for the first time, then she tried to figure out why I was dressed the way I was. After a few moments she gave up and went back to reading her book.

"Okay, so I'm on a jet going to where?"

I checked the inside pocket where I normal keep my boarding pass and fished it out. Vancouver to Toronto, with a connecting flight to Sudbury about an hour and a half after my arrival in Toronto. It would seem I've also rented a car in Sudbury and intended to drive to a small town about four hours away from there, where I would be staying at a bed and breakfast. I'd never even heard of the town. Or had I? There was something about the name of the town that was vaguely familiar, but I couldn't remember why.

"Andie what the hell is happening to you?" It was a somewhat rhetorical question to ask myself as I knew what had been happening to me, well outside of the blackouts, but I had no clue as to why it was happening, other than the strange dreams I'd been having. Apparently I'd blacked out again from the time I fell asleep in hospital last night until just now.

I looked at my watch and realized I could do nothing for the next few hours until the jet landed in Toronto. Nothing but sit here and worry about what was happening to me and hope I didn't blackout again.

It all started about two months ago, well actually that's not true, it all started twenty-one years ago, around the time I was twelve or thirteen. That's when they found me, wrapped in a tarp on the back of a flatbed truck. I was barely alive, so dehydrated that they thought I would die from that alone. Then there were the other injuries as well. My face had been smashed up so badly they didn't even know what I originally looked like. My ribs were broken and cracked in so many places it was a wonder I was still able to breathe. I had a crushed spinal vertebrae, requiring its removal, making my somewhat short stature even shorter. Minor internal bleeding. I had such severe head trauma it left me in a coma for a month.

When I eventually awoke I had no idea where I was, where I came from, who I was, or anything about my life up until that moment. For about a month I lived in a sea of pain and drugged stupor as various surgeries were performed on me to put things back into a somewhat normal and working form. My face turned out okay so I guess I shouldn't complain. Then there were all of the psychological evaluations as they unsuccessfully tried to gently pry the lost secrets of my past from my mind. I still have nightmares about those times, but nothing that answers any questions.

When I was released they still didn't know who I was or where I came from, so I was given the name Andrew Bancroft, which was much better than the John Doe status and name I'd held until then. Also besides losing my memories of who I was I appeared to have lost some of my education and I was put back about two grades as a result. I worked very hard to excel as that was all I appeared to have in my life was school and I quickly caught up to where I should have been academically. My foster parents were great compared to some of the horror stories I'd head from other foster kids, so I counted my blessings and made the best of my new life.

Another jolt from turbulence brought me back to the present. 'Probably for the best I thought to myself. Too much thinking about those times and I will have nightmares again.' Faceless surgeons cutting into me, removing bits and pieces of me, nurses laughing at me as they gave me injections with needles that felt and looked like rail spikes. The reality of those times was nothing like my nightmares, but I still get them if I think about those times.

That last thought brought an ironic chuckle to my throat. Nightmares seemed to be all I was having of late. It didn't matter if I was awake or asleep. I still remember the day I had the first one that set me on this road of madness....
 
 
The First Dream
 
I had been spending long hours at work. It was a big project that would make the company I worked for a lot of money. It would also make us a local name to be reckoned with. We would go from one of the little guys that no one really thought of to one of the major players with this one contract alone.

Like my schoolwork I threw myself into this project. I had little else in my life since my wife had divorced me and taken sole custody of our daughter a few months before the project started.

God I still feel that knife twisting in my heart. That's what it had been like, a knife stuck into my chest and twisted around when my wife told me she was leaving me. She and I had been high school sweethearts, yet there was always one festering point of contention in our relationship, I was reckless. I drove too fast and far too aggressively, I rarely exercised other than walking. I would also engage in activities that put my life and sometimes those around me at risk.

It was already causing marital strife, but other than that one aspect of my behaviour we were a very happy couple. That was until the seventh month of my wife's pregnancy with our daughter Rachel. Damn I mean Samantha! We had been out at a party with some friends and we were driving home late. I was driving and in a hurry to get Helen and myself to bed as we both had early mornings. I was driving in my usual fashion; too fast and way too aggressively.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in hospital. I was mostly okay, a few minor cuts, scrapes, bruises and a minor concussion. Modern cars and airbags can do a wonderful job of protecting the occupants. Helen on the other hand was in surgery and they were not sure they could save her or Rachel, damn it Samantha! Her side of the car had been hit by the other car and she had taken much of the impact.

In the end they saved both of them. Rachel...shit! Samantha was two months premature and despite an awful start to her life seems to have turned out perfectly normal. After the crash Helen hardly spoke to me. I could see the festering look of resentment in her eyes every time she looked at me.

The final straw that destroyed our marriage was that I kept on calling Rachel....Shit! I kept on calling Samantha, Rachel.

Rachel was the name of my wife's tormentor throughout her school years. I knew how much my wife hated her and her name, yet I couldn't help myself, even now I still call Rach....Samantha, Rachel. That was it, our seven year marriage was over. I don't even get to see Rachel, I mean Samantha because I can't seem to call her by her name, a name that we had both loved and agreed to until the moment I saw her. You can see how this would upset my ex wife.

So where was I? Oh yes, I was talking about how my latest nightmares started. It was about a month before the project was due to be completed. Actually we were well ahead of schedule because I was practically living at the office. My life consisted of eating, sleeping and the project, the first two being the least important and most neglected. Being so busy helped me not deal with the pain of losing my wife and child.

It was really late on that fateful night. I'd been at the office since very early in the morning and much to my surprise and chagrin I had nothing left that I could do that day. I was the last one there, not even Greg, my boss was around. The cleaning staff had long come and gone too.

I dreaded going home to that empty apartment. If I could stand the smell of alcohol I suppose I would have gone to a bar or a strip joint and drowned my sorrows and paid for a little company. No I don't mean sex, just some female companionship, an attractive woman to talk to for a bit. I guess I'd just feel guilty. You see, I still loved Helen with all my heart.

With nowhere else to go or anything to do I reluctantly made my way home. When I got home I rummaged through my almost empty kitchen trying to find something edible that would interest my failed appetite. The fridge had several science experiments that at one time had been food. I just wasn't up to disposing of the mess so I closed the door again.

In the end I settled for a grain bar and a glass of water. Other than too much coffee and a couple of doughnuts it was the healthiest thing I'd eaten all day, well days actually. From being well over my ideal weight just before the divorce, I'd gone down to being quite underweight. I'm not tall, but fifty-nine kilos was too light for someone with my build.

With the long hours in the office I'd lost most of the tan that I'd normally get each year during the summer months. With the weight loss and the lack of tan I was beginning to look quite pale and unhealthy. Most of my clothing just hung off my now skinny frame. Even my watch now hung loosely around my wrist on the tightest adjustment and I had to be careful not to move my arm too quickly or the watch would fly off my wrist. I didn't seem to have time to get the jeweller and have some links taken out of the band.

So there I was eating my grain bar and drinking my vintage glass of water, bored out of my tree. I decided I should turn on the news for the first time in months and see what was happening in the world. As I suspected it was all about bad things happening to people, animals, things and places. In other words, the same old, same old.

There was one news item that stuck in my mind. The remains of an Ontario girl, an Amy Masters, who had been killed by a neighbour, had finally been found after twenty-one years. The story was about her internment at the family plot and her only remaining relative, her mother, finally having full closure.

The story about the dead girl had caused a cold chill to envelop me. It was like the heat was being sucked out of the air and I was suddenly cold to the bone. A few minutes after I'd turned off the TV and I began to warm up I suddenly felt very tired. I barely managed to crawl into bed before falling into a deep sleep.

The dream started off with nothing but a featureless, bright, pure white, but bright without hurting my eyes. No matter which way I turned or looked there were no features. Then I felt the approach of something. Turning in the direction I felt it coming from I saw a black speck moving toward me at very great speed. It was a bit like that scene in the Matrix. It grew as it came closer, eventually becoming two separate and oblong black specks. Then suddenly there were two young teenage girls in front of me. One was about twelve or thirteen and the other probably a couple of years older.

I don't know why, but the sight of these two young girls scared me to death. I wasn't afraid of them. I was afraid for them. I was afraid for myself. I knew something horrible was about to happen.

They looked at me and studied me closely for a moment. They looked at each other, smiled and nodded. The taller and older of the two started speaking.

"We've finally found you Susan. We've been looking for you for so long. Why haven't you tried to find us?"

I looked around thinking someone else must have been there too. When I realized it was just the three of us and that she was talking to me I was really confused, but then dreams often didn't make any sense.

"I'm a man and my name is Andy, not Susan! Why would I be looking for you when I don't know who either of you are? I've never seen either of you before." However that wasn't quite true as the younger girl resembled the photo of the dead girl in the news story I'd seen earlier.

That I didn't recognize them seemed to shock them. They huddled closely together and spoke so I couldn't hear a word they were saying. Eventually they finished their private discussion.

This time the younger of the two girls spoke, "We know it's you Susan. Why are you pretending you don't recognize your sister or me, your girlfriend?"

"I honestly don't know who either of you are. Again I'm also a guy, not a girl, and my name is Andrew Bancroft, but you can call me Andy!"

"But you reached out to me. I knew it was you Susan, the moment I felt your spirit touch mine."

The two girls were very upset and started to have another discussion just outside my hearing. Sometime during their discussion they stopped and started looking around.

"He's coming! She couldn't keep him away." the older one said.

"Get out of here Susan! We'll protect you for as long as we can."

The smell of alcohol began to permeate the dream place and the colour was no longer pure white, but had turned to a soft pink that was quickly flowing into a blood red. I could feel him coming. My fear of earlier took hold of me again and I had to get away. I could tell they felt what I was. I could see there was terror in their eyes, the same terror that I knew was in mine.

"How do I get out of this place?" I whined to the two girls in my panic.

"Just wake up! Hurry or he'll know where you are Susan. If he finds out where you are we won't be able to protect you. Wake yourself up! Pinch yourself! Just get out of here now!"

I was so frightened I was almost rooted to the spot. I had to get away. Now!

I woke up bathed is sweat, the sheets clinging to me, restraining me and I felt as cold as death. There was the smell of alcohol lingering in the air that frightened me more than the dream had done. Someone was here! Someone who had been drinking! My stomach was roiling with the need to throw up because of the smell.

Scared like I had rarely been scared before I got up and quietly as I could, with my heart thundering in my chest, each breath roaring in my ears, I searched my small apartment. I looked everywhere. Nothing was touched, nothing moved or out-of-place, the doors were still secured and the inside security lock still in place, the windows were all tightly closed and locked. No one was hiding in any of the closets or cupboards. I was completely alone with no sign of anyone else having been in my home.

Yet the smell of alcohol still lingered, like it was stuck to every surface inside my apartment. Eventually I calmed down and attributed the smell to my dream and not the other way around. However days later the smell still hung in the air, fading, but never quite going away.

I had the feeling I was being watched closely. I was sure it was the two dream girls, but there was also something else, just watching, waiting for....I wasn't afraid of the girls, but I was embarrassed whenever I used the bathroom or got changed. Actually I felt fear for the two dream girls. I must be crazy if I'm afraid for two dream girls. Yet....
 
 
The Second Dream
 
It was a few days later when I had another dream. It started off much like the first. I was in the white place again, but this time the two girls were there with me from the beginning. I knew they had been keeping close to me, since the first dream.

"Hi baby sis. We have figured out how we can save all of us. It might be hard on you and you may have him to contend with for a bit. Mum's doing her best to keep him away from us until we are all ready."

The way she had said him, made my skin crawl with fear. She didn't look happy about mentioning him either. The younger girl showed as much fear as the two of us.

"However it will all be worth it in the end. Just a little while longer and everything will be the way it should have been."

I was about to ask questions and point out once again that I wasn't a girl when the dream place began to grow pink and then blood red, the whole place reeking of alcohol. He was coming, much faster this time. I was literally sweating fear from my pores. Even here in the dream I wanted to throw up because of the smell. I desperately worked to wake myself up from the dream. He was getting closer. I can't let him catch me. I can't, I know where I am. He'll hurt me, or worse.

I awoke with a strangled, silent scream lodged in my throat. Much like the first dream I was soaking in sweat and had to struggle to free myself from the sheets that were now tightly wrapped around me. This time the chill wouldn't go away and the smell of alcohol was so strong I had to open all the windows in an attempt to get rid of the smell. I was scared to death.

I sat there wrapped in a thick comforter drinking a big cup of strong, hot tea. Questions kept running through my mind. Why did the girls in my dreams think I was a girl like them? Why was this dream drunk man such a threat to all of us? Why was I so afraid of these dreams? I'd had nightmares all my life, but these were so weird in addition to being scary. There was a realism to them that defied my ability to explain.

After an hour or so I closed the windows and tried to go back to sleep. Needless to say I couldn't sleep and the smell of the lingering alcohol was much stronger this time.

"God, what's happening to me?" I asked.

Silence. The reply I was dreading, yet expecting, and the only answer I received.

'Figures.' I thought, as I watched the clock slowly tick away the remainder of the night.

Again I was in the now, the present, not the now of the past. 'Shit does that make any sense?' I thought. It's like if I thought of the past I was back living it again, not just remembering it.

It seems that whatever has been happening to me over the last few weeks has made my reality unstable. Even when I'm aware of the now, things happen to me that I don't know about. Other things seem to happen to me that can only happen in dreams. I'm doing things even when I'm in the now that I would never do before, things that were just not me at all.
 
 
Close Encounters with the Unreal
 
It was now several days after the last dream in which the dream girls told me they had some kind of solution to fix whatever problem they had. I was walking to work, as I liked this simple, easy exercise and it cleared my head before I started the day. Well normally it did. Of late my thoughts were a jumbled confusion, as I knew thoughts ran through my mind just below my conscious ability to know what they were. It was like my subconscious was on overdrive and excluding my conscious mind from its activities.

I hadn't been thinking about where I was going and I found myself in front of the ladies wear shop that Helen, my ex, loved so much. It was only a seven block detour from my normal route.

I stood there looking in the window at all of the clothing. It was a small shop, not one of those chain places. The owner made a lot of the clothing herself and others put their clothing and accessories for sale on consignment. Most were handmade with a quality way beyond the mass produced stuff one finds in most other places. It was about nine in the morning, a bit before the store's opening time. The owner, a very lovely woman called Naomi, saw me standing outside and came to the door and opened it.

"Hi Andy, I haven't seen you or Helen in quite some time. Have you come to pick up something for her? I'll open up early for you if you are."

I guess I should mention that my wife always loved letting me choose her clothing. She had always told me I had impeccable taste, far better than her own.

"Um, no Naomi I'm not here to shop. I was lost in thought and wasn't paying any attention to where I was going.

"Oh, I guess I should tell you that Helen and I are divorced now." I said.

The last bit was said with a lot of emotion in my voice accompanied by a tear or two trickling down my cheeks. I had kept myself so busy with work that I had avoided much of the emotions that losing Helen and Rach....Samantha had caused. Right now it was threatening to burst out of me in full fury. I guess Naomi sensed this.

"Come on inside Andy, I just made a fresh pot of tea and I think you could use a few minutes to compose yourself before you get to work."

I wanted to argue. Yet I couldn't let anyone see me crying. I wasn't this weak. I'm a man and I never cry. Instead of arguing I just nodded meekly and followed her into the store as she locked the door behind us.

"Come on into the back. You can use the washroom through there to freshen up."

Again I nodded on autopilot and went into the washroom. The mirror showed not a few tears, but that a river of tears had been coming from my eyes. I had several damp spots on my blouse.

'Blouse? What the fuck!' I wasn't wearing a blouse I was wearing a men's dress shirt. Why the hell was I calling it a blouse? I figured it was probably because I was in a women's clothing store.

I quickly splashed water on my face and I composed myself. I looked in the mirror and all signs of the tears had been washed down the sink, yet the pain that had caused them was clearly evident on my face.

I came out of the washroom and Naomi had two old fashioned cups and saucers with an old English style tea pot. "How do you like your tea?"

"Um, milk and two sugars please." She silently prepared our tea and handed me my cup.

"Thank you."

We stood there lost in our own thoughts sipping our teas for a few minutes. "I can see you don't want to talk about it, so I won't ask. But if you ever do want someone to talk to I'm a good listener and I'm not judgemental. You and Helen were always two of my favourite customers."

I felt like I was about to start leaking tears again but I held them in check this time. I couldn't look at Naomi because I knew I'd start crying again, so I looked around the back room. There were all sorts of dresses, tops, skirts and slacks, many of them complete but many still being sewn and put together.

What caught my eye though was a beautiful dress on the dress dummy that had Helen's name all over it. No, not literally written on it. The colours, the style and fabric were all her.

Naomi must have noticed me staring at the dress. "I'm sorry, I should have covered that while you were in the washroom."

She quickly went over and put a cover cloth over the dress. "When I saw the dress pattern I thought of Helen immediately. I've been sitting on this pattern for months hoping one of you would come in. For some reason I decided to go ahead with it a few days ago. I was making this with her in mind but I do have several regular customers besides her that this would work quite well for." she explained.

I walked over to the dress dummy and lifted the cloth off. She had some concern in her eyes, so I smiled to let her know I was okay. I'm not a good liar, so she hung close, just in case she needed to put the cover cloth back over the dress.

The dress was beautiful, it really was perfect for Helen. I felt the fabric, knowing the choice was again perfect. There were several full length mirrors around the room so Naomi could see her projects from all sides as she worked and moved around the dummy. My current position had me behind the dress with a mirror in front of the dress. They way everything lined up it looked like I actually was wearing the dress. My heart began to race, and I felt a rush of heat all over my body. I realized with only a bit of work I would be a fairly presentable woman, especially now that I'd lost so much weight. Part of me loved what it saw in the mirror. Another part of me wanted to smash the mirror in anger and shame.

'Oh god, what's happening to me?' I asked myself silently.

It was then that I noticed a faint smell of alcohol. The flush I had been feeling at the sight of me apparently in the dress turned to a flush of fear. It took all of my will power to suppress the need to run.

Naomi must have misinterpreted my reaction as fear of discovery. "It is a beautiful dress Andy." she said this so hesitantly.

"I have a some male customers who love to wear my clothing. I even open up after hours for the more timid ones if they need the privacy. It's all very confidential, so no one else has to know...." She trailed off at that point, not knowing if she'd said the right thing or interpreted things correctly.

"How much is the dress?" I asked not knowing where the question came from.

"Two hundred, I can alter it so it would fit better." she said still unsure.

"I'll call Helen and let her know it's here for her. I know she'll love it." I said. I pulled out my credit card and had Naomi put two-hundred-fifty dollars on it. "That should cover taxes and anything else, if it doesn't, call me at work and I'll come back and give you the rest." I handed her one of my business cards as well.

The smell was getting stronger by the second. "Naomi I really need to run, I've got a meeting in a few minutes that I can't be late for."

"Andy I didn't mean to offend you. I....Well....You are such a nice guy....Your fashion sense....They way you looked at the dress....I'm sorry."

I just nodded. I needed to get out of there, not talk. The smell was overpowering yet she didn't seem to notice it. I needed fresh air. My panic must have been evident as she quickly opened the door for me and let me out.

I stood on the sidewalk gulping in the fresh air for a few moments. Naomi came out and stood beside me.

"Are you okay Andy?"

"No! The smell of alcohol in there was getting to me. I have a phobia about the smell and I can't take it for long."

"Oh, I did smell a little bit of alcohol, but I thought you had been out drinking last night. If it wasn't you then where was it coming from?"

"I can't even take any medicines that have alcohol in them. I get sick within moments. I've never even tried to have a drink. I'd hate to think how I'd react to actually drinking the stuff. Supposedly it's all psychological as they can't find a physiological reason for the way I react."

She didn't know what to say at this point, which was good because it gave me my best chance at getting away. "Let me know if I owe you more for Helen's dress. Oh and thank you for the tea and your concern Naomi." With a wave I was off before she could say anything more.

I was about a block or two away when I smelled alcohol again and felt someone's hot breath on the back of my neck. I spun around but no one was there, nor was there anyone close to me. In my turning about I ended up facing a business window which reflected the street behind me. I could see the dim shape of a man standing close behind me reflected in the window.

"I'm watching you. You'd better behave or you won't get away this time." The voice was barely audible, but I'd heard the words clearly enough as they hissed and slurred right beside my ear and the smell of the alcohol on his breath made me want to puke my guts out.

I blinked and the dim outline was gone but the smell lingered. I was scared shitless at this point. This was crazy. Sweat was pouring from me and my work shirt was soaking and beginning to smell.

With trepidation I made my way to work again. I kept on glancing in windows to see if he was still there.

Needless to say I was quite distracted and didn't get much done when I got to work. No real problem as I was so far ahead of schedule the odd off day wouldn't hurt us. We were still likely going to get the early completion bonus even if something were to happen to me now.

I changed shirts. Thankfully I kept a spare at work for those days when a beverage cup lid came loose at the wrong moment. I had a terrible time with the buttons on both shirts. It was like I was trying to undo them and do them up from the wrong side, like a woman's blouse or something. Also my nails seemed a bit long and almost manicured. Yet I remember cutting them only two days ago and what happened to all those ridges in my nails? My nails were now smooth, almost polished. I put the questions aside as I needed to get work started and I needed to call Helen.

After I'd taken care of a few priority things I picked up the phone to make the call. I was hesitant to do so, I still hurt too much when talking to her, but I promised Naomi I would let her know about the dress.

"Hello."

"Hi Helen."

"Oh, Andy. Um, what can I do for you?"

Why couldn't she have been happy to hear my voice? Well at least she's as uncomfortable as I am, if that was any kind of consolation.

"Well long story short, Naomi has a dress that is just absolutely perfect for you. I've paid for it. All you have to do is get it fitted for you and it's all yours."

"You shouldn't have done that. I'm not going to come back to you. I still love you, but as a friend only now. You killed us in that car accident and with refusing to call Sam by her name."

"I understand all of that. I still love you and her just as much as I always have." I'd avoided saying my daughter's name as I would have blown it and had the phone slammed down in my ear, yet again. "It's very hard for me not having you both with me."

"Andy it's over. Bribery won't get you anywhere."

"I don't know why I ended up in front of Naomi's. I also don't know what my motives were or are for buying that dress for you. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was nostalgia, does it matter? I've bought it, it's yours. No strings."

"Well thank you Andy."

"You're welcome."

There was an uncomfortable silence between the two of us, neither of us knowing what to say next. Well at least I didn't know what to say next. Apparently Helen did, which was causing her trouble.

"Andy, I'm seeing someone. It's serious. He just adores Sam and he's absolutely wonderful to me. We aren't rushing things, but it looks like we are really in love with each other."

What do you say when the only woman you ever loved tells you she's in love with someone other than you? "Oh." was the best I could come up with.

"I just didn't want you to hear it from anyone else."

There was little chance of that. Most of 'our' friends were actually hers and I hadn't seen anyone outside of work associates for months.

"Look Helen, I've got to run. I've got a meeting and I'm almost late. Bye."

"I'm truly sorry Andy. Bye."

We both knew I was lying about the meeting. At least she gave me the dignity of not pointing it out. She always knew when I was lying.

It was over. I now knew I would never hold my beautiful Helen ever again. My baby girl was going to be calling someone else daddy. I ran from my office and into a virtually unused stairwell for some privacy and bawled my eyes out.

I don't know how long I was there in the stairwell. Time loses all meaning at moments like that. I had to grieve, I had to let it out. I couldn't have stopped it even if I'd wanted to.

Somewhere in all of this I noticed the smell again. "I'm watching you." echoed ominously throughout the stair well. I was scared to death again and got up and ran from there as fast as I could. I burst out of the stairwell and smacked into my boss and best friend Greg, nearly sending the both of us flying.

"Jeez Andy, I've always wanted to hold you in my arms, but this isn't quite how I had imagined it." said Greg. Then he noticed the look of terror on my tear stained face.

"What the hell happened?" I could feel his muscles tense as if he expected someone else to burst through the stairwell door in pursuit of me at any second.

I was desperately tying to pull myself together. Greg's strong arms really made me feel safe from my invisible, drunk pursuer. It certainly helped me get my fear under control, but it didn't help with the grief I was still feeling. Why did I feel so weak and small? I'm supposed to be the protector, not the protected.

"Can we talk someplace private?" I asked looking up into his face.

"Um, yeah, my office is free."

Greg led me through the office and into his office via his private entrance. He let his secretary know to hold all calls and people for an hour. He sat me down on the couch and took the chair just opposite me.

"Okay, what gives Buddy? I've never seen you in a state like this before."

I told him all about the dreams and my call with Helen and the mysterious dream drunk man that was tailing me, even when I was awake. I left out the bit about how imagining myself in the dress had made me react.

"It sounds to me as though the divorce, working yourself to death and starvation is finally catching up with you. Why don't you take some time off? We can spare you."

"We could lose the early completion bonus if I take time off now." I said dreading the thought of personal time.

"Fuck the bonus! You are my best friend Andy. Do you think I would put a measly one-hundred-thousand dollars before the well being of my best friend? If you need the time take it. No questions, no worries."

"I'd rather be working. It takes my mind off things."

"I think you need to deal with things sooner, rather than later, or it'll drive you insane."

"Please don't make me take the time off. I'll go crazy without work to keep me occupied."

"Okay, buddy, but if things look like they are getting too tough for you let me know. I don't want you spazzing out in the office or in front of one of the clients."

"Okay." I said not sure that I believed myself.

Apparently Greg didn't believe me either. "Well it looks like you and I will be having a short meeting each morning from now until you are feeling better, just so I can make sure you are doing okay."

I nodded and stood up to leave. I knew I'd better not say anything more or I'd end up in worse trouble.

"Um, Andy you had better use my washroom before you head out there. You're a mess, buddy."

I went into Greg's private washroom and his description was quite accurate. I was a mess. I hadn't even noticed until this moment how long my hair had gotten while I'd been busy with the project. No wonder Naomi saw something that wasn't there. Or was it?

It seems I need to be spending more time on personal grooming. My face was so pale. I needed to add some colour, maybe a subtle foundation to even out my pale complexion? A hint of blush would give me a healthier appearance too. I definitely needed to do something with my hair, maybe a different hair colour, and a loose wave would give it more life?

'Oh God! I just thought about using women's make-up! First the dress and now this. What the hell is the matter with me?

I freshened up as much as I could quite shaken by my line of thinking. Eventually I got myself together and came out of the washroom to find Jeff, Greg's partner, there with him. They were having a quiet talk about something, I'm presuming it was me as they stopped when I came out.

"Hey buddy I was just giving Jeff a quick rundown on what's been happening to you. We would both love it if you would stay with us until you get yourself together again. It'll give you more than the four walls at home to talk to." Jeff just nodded his approval of the idea.

I liked both of them. They were an ideal match for each other and were totally devoted to each other. Yet I knew each of them had a bit of a thing for me, but as I was straight and they were monogamous, we all knew nothing could ever happen, but it did make for some good natured fun between the three of us.

I'd known Greg since junior high. We'd gone to the same schools and university together. When Greg was around sixteen he admitted he to me that he was gay and he thought I was as well. Despite the fact Helen and I were an item. I reassured him I wasn't, but he kept on hitting on me as he really liked me. Eventually I had enough and we both fought it out. Now he's almost twice my size, way more muscled and an easy thirty centimetres taller than me. Yet when it came to that fight it was a draw. I was smaller, faster and I packed a nasty punch. We were both a mess when dragged before the principal. We both refused to say who had started the fight or what it had been about. Because of this we were both kicked out of school for two weeks.

That fight and our not ratting the other out cemented a lifelong friendship. Greg never from that fight forward ever tried to hit on me again, although there was the odd joking comment like when I came running out of the stairwell, but nothing serious, especially not since Jeff had entered his life.

"Thanks guys, I appreciate the offer, but I'm really not in that bad a shape."

"Yeah right, pull the other one."

"Look I really do appreciate the offer. If things get worse I'll take you up on it. Okay?"

"Alright, but this doesn't get you out of our daily meetings. I expect you to see me first thing each morning so we can have a chat about things."

"Yes boss."

"Andy I'm not doing this because I'm your boss, I'm doing it because I'm your friend and care about you. I'm just using the boss angle to make sure you don't use our friendship to ditch these meetings. I just want to make sure you are okay."

I nodded. "Thanks Greg. It's good to see you again Jeff."

"You too Andy."

Jeff was such a chatter box. You could hardly get him to stop talking. I say that with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. Jeff is the quiet type. He mainly listens, but when he decides to talk you'd better listen because it's usually very insightful and relevant to the subject at hand.

With that I was free to go back to my office and try and get some work done. Unfortunately, recent events and those of this morning kept playing in my mind. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate on the job, I found myself staring out my office window lost in thought.

I almost jumped out of my skin when my phone rang. I could see it was Greg calling so I couldn't pretend I wasn't here by not picking up the phone.

"Hey buddy, how about you join us for lunch?"

Normally. Well before the project I would have accepted the offer, but today I just didn't feel like it. "Thanks, but I'm still trying to catch up from this morning."

"I'm not buying that. Jeff came by to invite you out with us but you were staring out the window and your face was wet again. He didn't know what to do so he came back and told me. Besides, you are so thin and pale it's scaring the clients. You need to eat a proper meal for a change."

I brought my hand to my face and sure enough it was damp. God! I'd been crying again, in the office, with my door open no less. I hadn't even realized it. I'm a man and I DON'T CRY. Why was I crying so much at the moment? I guess I was taking too long to answer Greg.

"Okay I'm making lunch a daily business meeting between you and I. If I can't make it Jeff will be filling in for me. We're leaving at eleven-forty-five so meet us at my car."

Before I could say anything Greg had hung up. Just to make sure I got the message, a daily morning meeting notice with Greg appeared on my calendar moments later, quickly followed by a daily lunch meeting.

That's the problem with working for your best friend. They care about you and can use the business and your employment as an angle to make sure you are okay. Greg had made it exceedingly clear that I was not going to be able to use our friendship to wiggle out of this.

After lunch I was feeling a bit better, although I did feel quite bloated as they'd both convinced me to have a big steak. I hardly got through a third of it, but I did enjoy the vegetables and salad which I'd never been big on before. I guess because I'd hardly been eating, and when I did it was hardly nutritious, my body needed something other than my normal fare.

From that point till I finished the project things became normal again. Well, normal if you didn't count me having nightly dreams about the two girls. The thing was I knew I was dreaming about them, but I could never remember the dreams. My impression was that the dreams were just mundane normal everyday stuff like talking, laughing, playing, working, etcetera. However they left me feeling very unsettled each morning as I awoke.

Soon after these new dreams started people began looking at me strangely, as if I'd grown horns or a third arm. Despite the looks, I just couldn't be bothered to figure out what everyone's problem with me was. It was just another reason to bury myself in my work.

I don't know where the drunk man was during this time, but he seemed to have disappeared. The girls seemed to know, but were not saying where he went or why he was suddenly leaving us alone.

About a week after we had completed the project early and gotten that one-hundred-thousand dollar early completion bonus things started going insane. I don't remember how or why, but I suddenly came to my senses in my apartment and I was wearing that dress that I had bought for Helen. Not only that, but I was in full make-up and my still long hair was beautifully styled. I won't say I was gorgeous, but I definitely passed as a woman. I also noticed that the dress definitely had been custom fitted for my body. The matching strappy sandals I was wearing showed off my polished and pedicured toenails that matched my beautifully manicured and polished fingernails.

I couldn't get out of the dress and everything else I was wearing fast enough. I ran into the bathroom and found nail polish remover and cleaned the polish off my nails. I then scrubbed the make-up off my face and washed my hair a dozen times to remove the chemical styling that was in it. I vowed that the next day I would go and get my hair cut.

When I got out of the shower I looked more like the old me. Although I was still skinny as a rail, I now no longer looked unhealthy. I still wasn't putting on much weight despite Greg and Jeff's best efforts to get me fattened up again. I just couldn't eat a big meal anymore and suddenly healthy foods were all I found appetizing. Big steaks, fries, well basically whatever I'd previously found to be tasty and enjoyable just turned my stomach now. What I had thought was tasteless and women's food, now appealed to me. I guess that was all just part of eating so poorly for so long.

Once dressed in my normal attire I grabbed the women's undergarments, shoes, make-up and nail polish and put them in a garbage bag and threw them out. The dress I kept, as I'd bought that for Helen and Naomi could probably adjust it to fit her again.

The only problem was when I called Naomi the next day she informed me that I had commissioned her to make me a copy of the one that I'd bought for Helen. Needless to say we were both confused. Her by me asking about the dress, and me by what she had told me. Apparently we'd had three separate fittings which I had no memory of, and I wore it home after the final fitting last night. It must have been just after I got home that I'd come to my senses. I couldn't believe I'd been out in public like that. Yet, with what I'd seen in my mirror I don't think anyone would have had a clue I wasn't a woman.

"What the hell is happening to me?"
 
 
Revelations, a Kiss and Close Encounters with a Dream
 
I had finished work for the day. With the project completed I was back to normal hours, unfortunately. I was just outside my door when I smelled the alcohol coming from my apartment. With extreme fear I opened the door and the smell was so strong I almost lost my lunch right there in the doorway to my apartment.

I took a couple of deep breaths of clean air in the hallway and ran into the apartment and opened all the windows and turned on the vent fans. I then stood on the balcony for a good half hour waiting for the air in the apartment to become breathable again. When things had cleared enough I went back inside.

Nothing appeared to be out-of-place or touched in the kitchen, living room or dining area. However when I got into the bedroom I discovered that something had been touched, the dress. It had been torn into hundreds of pieces and there was a red stain on most of those pieces. It took me a while to figure out what they were; dried blood stains.

I got some rubber gloves and put all the shreds of the dress I could find into a garbage bag, which I promptly threw out. When I got back into the apartment the smell of the alcohol was the strongest it had ever been and I couldn't take the smell and it wasn't fading to a tolerable level. If anything I thought it was getting stronger.

I was freaked out now. My dreams were invading reality and I was losing parts of reality to the dreams. I didn't want to be alone tonight so I called Greg and explained everything to him, even the bits about the dream girls calling me Susan and getting fitted for the dress and how I found myself the night before.

An hour later I was at Greg's place and both he and Jeff fussed over me. At one point I just broke down crying and couldn't stop. I didn't feel better until I realized that Greg was sitting beside me holding me and my head was resting on his chest. Eventually I'd cried myself out and fell asleep with my head still resting on his chest. It was the safest I'd felt since the dreams started.

I awoke in the guest room the next morning still in my clothes from yesterday. I got up, showered and dressed in some fresh clothing. I came out to find Greg had already gone to work and Jeff waiting around to make me some breakfast.

"I'm sorry I lost it last night Jeff."

"Don't worry about it. Greg and I are only too happy to help. If it wasn't for you introducing us we wouldn't be a couple today, so we both owe you big time.

"It sounds like these dreams are really messing with you."

I smiled at the memory. I had met Jeff a few times through a business deal. Jeff was a nice guy and obviously a gay man and I thought he and Greg would be perfect for each other. Both were unhappily single at that time, so with some careful and subtle manoeuvring the two were introduced to each other. The rest as they say is wedded bliss.

"You both are two of the nicest people I know. I'm proud to call you both my friends. I thought there might be some compatibility between the two of you, so I made the introduction, without making it look like I was introducing you. You both took it from there. I don't think you owe me a thing. My reward was to see you both find each other."

"Andy, you are my friend and you're Greg's best friend, so I'm not wanting to do or say anything to hurt that."

"I hear a 'but' in there."

"Yes" he sighed, "there is a but. I also have to be honest with you because you are my friend and because you are his friend."

"Okay, I'll take whatever you have to tell me within the framework of a caring friend."

"Well, when Helen left and took Sam with her, you withdrew from everyone around you. We were both a bit hurt, but we understood how you were feeling, having been in similar positions ourselves over the years and reacting similarly ourselves. Then you threw yourself into your work which helped you cope with the loss. Throughout all of this you were still essentially you. You were not behaving in a way that we couldn't see you behaving."

"And?"

"Since you've been having these dreams you have changed." Jeff paused. I could see he didn't want to tell me, but had to, yet he didn't know how to proceed.

"I'll admit to being frightened by all this, which was something I wouldn't normally be. I've also found myself crying occasionally of late. How have I changed other than that?"

Jeff raised an eyebrow, very Mr. Spock like, at my question. "Andy I want you to go into the master bedroom and stand in front of the mirror there."

I got up, followed by Jeff, and went into their bedroom. Wow it was huge! I'd love to have a bedroom this large, it seemed almost as large as my entire apartment. After a quick look at the room I went and stood in front of the mirror with Jeff standing beside me.

"What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"Look at yourself and describe yourself to me."

"Well I see me standing here, with you beside me. I have brown hair, soft hazel eyes, I've lost a bit of weight, but I'm looking healthier thanks to you and Greg. Other than that I look the way I normally look."

"You don't see anything unusual in your reflected image."

"No. I can't see anything other than what I just said."

Jeff just shook his head in disbelief. He went away for a moment and came back with a picture.

"I want you to take a good hard look at your face and then look at this picture."

I stared at my face for a moment and then looked at the picture. It was from Greg and Jeff's wedding and it was a photo of Greg and myself side by side, groom and best man.

"Well other than the loss of weight between then and now, I look the same. What am I supposed to be seeing?"

"Look at your eyebrows."

I did a quick comparison. "They look like they always have." I said perplexed. Jeff took the photo from my hand and held it up beside my reflection in the mirror.

"Look again."

I looked again, but didn't really see much of a difference. Not enough to even notice. I gave Jeff a puzzled look.

"For god's sake Andy! You have big bushy eyebrows in the photo. Your eyebrows now are neat and trimmed. Maybe a touch feminine, but definitely not the guy brows you had before."

"I've never trimmed my eyebrows." Yet I seem to remember Susan plucking her eyebrows in the dreams with the two girls giving her instructions on how to do it. Susan? Who's Susan? Oh yes they think I'm Susan.

"Look at your cheeks."

"Well they are a bit more defined because of the weight loss, I'm not as fleshy in the face as I used to be."

"It's more than that. They are higher and more prominent. Your eyes are a bit more open. Your nose is a touch more like a woman's. Your lips are a bit fuller, a bit more bow shaped. Your chin and jaw is a bit less defined like a man's and more defined like a woman's. Your brow ridge is now more like a woman's than a man's. Your Adam's apple is hardly noticeable any more. Your speaking voice is softer, not as deep as it used to be. The inflection of your words are now definitely more that of woman than a man.

I stood there stunned. I looked from the mirror to the picture, I could see the differences, yet I had difficulty seeing them. It was like I was seeing two different realities, two different versions of me and both were correct and both wrong. If I thought about myself as I was, I saw it as normal. If I thought about myself as I am now, it was normal. I just didn't seem to be able to directly compare the two.

"Look at your hair, yes it's brown, but it's now down to your shoulders. It's grown very quickly over the last month. Look at the photo at how you kept your hair then. Short and neat. You hated messing about with your hair when it got longer than in the photo."

"But I've always loved trying new styles with my hair!" I protested. Yet what Jeff had told me was also true. I hated spending more than a minute on my hair before walking out the door, yet I also knew I'd spend an hour getting it to look just right for a special occasion.

"When was the last time you shaved your face Andy?"

"Just this morning"

Jeff shook his head. "Sorry, but I heard you get up, and after a quick shower you got dressed and came out for breakfast. I know you use an electric razor and I would have heard it buzzing if you had used it. Did you even pack your electric razor?"

I brought my hand up to my face and touched it. I know I shaved my face this morning, yet as I looked in the mirror there was no sign of beard shadow, all that I could see was the faint soft hairs a woman has on her face. But then that was right, I've always had that soft hair since my puberty. I've never needed to shave or wax the hair off my face. But I've shaved every day for years? The photo from the wedding clearly showed the normal beard shadow of someone with dark hair.

"Andy, I'm a gay man so I notice other men's penises. You were a decent size. Yet when I look now I can see that you are tucking your penis back between your legs and pushing your testicles up into your abdomen, like a drag queen or a transvestite would do."

I looked at the reflection of my groin in the mirror. Didn't all men tuck themselves back to hide that awful looking thing? Yet when I looked at Jeff in the mirror it was clear that gay men didn't. I wonder why I hadn't notice that about them before? I guess not doing it made it easier for them to identify themselves to each other. Kind of like a secret handshake or something.

"I want you to look carefully at our reflections. Do you notice anything different about us?"

I looked in the mirror at the two of us. He's the taller, as I've always been a bit on the short side for a guy. He's shorter than Greg, so he's closer to my height. Now how tall am I? I don't remember. I'm one-hundred-seventy centimetres, I think. Or am I one-hundred-sixty centimetres? Well I've always been this tall! Haven't I?

"Um, no."

"Andy you are shorter than you were."

I was about to answer but I'm not wearing four inch heels like I normally do, but I knew that was the wrong thing to say. I never wear heels, those are women's shoes and I was a guy and I don't wear women's things. Yet I knew I loved wearing them, despite the sore feet, squashed toes and aching calves. They made my legs and feet look so sexy, plus they made me taller, so I put up with the discomfort.

"Look at your body language! It's defensive, like a woman gets when she feels threatened or challenged. Look at the way you are holding your hands, look at your nails. Guys don't keep their nails like that."

I could see what Jeff was telling me. It was all there in the mirror or right in front of me, plain as day. Yet it wasn't. This was the way I had always been, but I knew that wasn't true.

I looked at my nails, they were shaped beautifully. It had taken me a while to grow them to just the right length and then shape them. I'd also found this darling soft pink nail polish. The colour was so subtle that you had to be looking for it to see it wasn't just a clear polish.

"God, what's happening to me?"

I must have blacked out for a bit, because the next thing I was aware of I was sitting on the bed with Jeff. He had his arms around me and a huge damp spot on his shirt, where my tears had soaked in. It made me feel safe and protected to be held in his arms.

As good as it made me feel they weren't her arms. Who is she I wonder? The mysterious Susan, maybe? I can see her holding me, protecting me, she'll make everything all right. I can't see her face though. She loves me and I love her. Jeff's and Greg's arms felt good around me but I'm not into boys.

"Jeff, are you and Greg still interested in me now that I'm like this?"

"Until last night we might have still been interested in you. Over the last month we saw you as an increasingly effeminate man, that still had its appeal for both of us, but it was fading.

"Once you got here last night, the way you acted, the way you spoke, everything about you now says woman, albeit a slightly butch one. It was then we both accepted that the man who you had been is now gone. We are gay men and you are just too much of a woman now to interest us in that way. You are still our friend though, so that hasn't changed.

"You should know that everyone at the office thinks you are going to change your sex. Some are uncomfortable with it. Greg made it clear to everyone that you are to be treated normally. Anyone who doesn't like the changes in you and who refuses to treat you with respect and dignity was told they could resign or be fired."

Knowing they were still my friends comforted me and I hugged his chest tighter for a moment. I then pulled back and stretched up a bit and gave his cheek a kiss.

"Thank you both for being so understanding, accepting and for protecting me."

That kiss shocked both of us a bit. There was nothing sexual about it, but there was no way in hell I would have done that to another guy before, especially not a gay guy. Yet it felt right, just like hugging my two closest male friends did when I needed protection and comfort over the last month. Yet none of this was right.

I'm back in the now again. The flight attendant is shaking my shoulder to get my attention. She's asking me to put my seat belt on as we are going to be landing soon. I can tell from the look on her face that she can't tell if I'm a man or a woman. I have no idea myself anymore, so I can't help her.

The landing was uneventful. I figured I'd better call Greg and let him and Jeff know where I am. They are almost like big brothers to me now, instead of my best friends.

"Hi Greg,"

"Andie! Where the hell have you been? Jeff went to pick you up from the hospital, but you had checked yourself out and disappeared. We've been trying to locate you for hours. And why haven't you answered your cell phone?"

Just like a guy. Asks you a bunch of questions and never gives you the chance to answer even one of them. 'Just like a guy?'

"I thought I should let you know I had another blackout and found myself on a jet and I'm in Toronto now. So by the time I get a flight back I'll be wiped and won't be in to work tomorrow."

"Look, hang tough there for a few minutes. I'll get in touch with Jeff and see if he can fly out and bring you back. Do you have your cell phone with you and is it turned on?"

I checked my pockets and found that I'd brought very little with me. Just my wallet, ID and credit cards, all of the other things I normally travel with I'd left behind. I didn't even bring my apartment keys or car keys with me.

"Um, no I appear to have forgotten it and just about everything else at home."

"Okay give me a call back in fifteen minutes and I'll let you know what I've arranged."

I hung up the phone and headed to the counter to see if I could still cancel the flight to Sudbury and the car. The line was long and slow moving. I was bored standing there with nothing to do.

The roar of the prop engines as they powered the small commuter airplane into the sky brought me back to the now. Great, another blackout! I wondered if I'd called Greg back or not. It would seem that whatever forces were directing me were not about to let me turn around and go home.

I looked out the window, and the night lights of Toronto quickly faded, leaving the window a mirror. I looked at my face in the reflection.

'Was that my face?' It certainly looked like the face I'd always seen since I was a little g.... 'Stop right there Andrew, you were never a girl, little or otherwise.'

'This isn't your face, it's the face that whatever is behind all this wants you to have.'

I noticed the wound with the stitches on my forehead was fading faster than it had any right to. Even the bad bruising and swelling around the area was fading fast. I'd used concealer, foundation and powder to hide it quite well. Well everything but the stitches. When did I buy that stuff? How did I know how to use it? The same way I know how to do everything feminine that I've been doing lately.

I thought back to how I'd gotten the nasty cut and bump on my head.

I was still in Jeff's arms when I began to smell alcohol. Jeff didn't seem to smell it so I didn't want to mention it in case he began to believe I was crazier than he currently thought I was.

"Um, Jeff I should really get going. I'm late for work as it is."

"Greg gave you the day off. As a matter of a fact he's giving you time off so you can get help."

"I appreciate the thought, but the only time my life is normal at the moment is when I'm working. I need it, it's my anchor with reality at the moment. Take that away and I'll lose myself to this, this, whatever this is."

Jeff tried to talk me out of going to work, but I needed to get away. The smell was becoming stronger by the second. Pretty soon I'd be terrified and lose control, throw up or both.

Eventually I got away from Jeff. I think he could see the growing anxiety in my face and thought it best to let me go.

I got my stuff and almost ran to my car. I threw everything into the car and was driving away as fast as I could. The smell was still with me, growing ever stronger by the moment. I don't know how many traffic violations I racked up on my drive to work. I'd probably lose my licence forever if only a half of them were found out.

I raced into the underground parking at work and screeched to a halt but not soon enough as the front of my car slammed into the wall of my parking stall. The smell of the alcohol was overwhelming. I flew out of the car leaving my things behind. I raced toward the elevator so it could take me into the safety of a large number of people and my job, which was the only normal thing left to me now.

I carded in through the security door, pulled it closed behind me and ran to the elevator and pressed the elevator call button. I could still smell the alcohol and I swear I could hear someone staggering drunkenly down the deserted hall toward me from the closed security door, yet there was no one there. No one living that is. I was trapped. The only way out was the way I came in, past my invisible pursuer, or the elevator which still had not arrived.

The sound approached until it was only a few feet away from me.

"I knew you were a sissy faggot. I saw you holding that other faggot. I saw you kissing him. I bet you wanted the faggot to fuck you in the ass. I bet you wanted to give him a blowjob. I warned you. Now you'll get what's coming to you."

The breath from my invisible assailant was horrid. So much so I started to throw up despite my fear and need to run. I was pitching forward to empty my stomach when I felt a huge blow to my chest, like I'd just been kicked. It knocked the wind out of me in addition to completely lifting me off the ground. Fortunately the shock of the blow stopped me from actually getting sick and choking on my own bile.

I fell back to the ground and hit my head on the corner of the elevator as the door opened. I lay sprawled half in and out of the elevator, unable to get air back into my lungs. I was dimly aware of someone screaming as I blacked out.
 
 
I'm not Andy, I'm Andie.
 
I came to with my head screaming in agony from the nastiest headache I could remember in a very long time. My chest hurt and it was difficult breathing. I cracked open my eyes to see where I was.

"Fuck no! Not another hospital!"

I'd had my fill and beyond of hospitals when I was found all those years ago. If I was dying I'd probably tell the ambulance attendant just to take me straight to the morgue instead of the hospital. I'd do just about anything to stay out of a hospital.

"Good, you are awake. I'm going to get the doctor in to talk to you now."

The nurse's tone was no nonsense. I'd heard that tone so many times before, I knew I'd either been a difficult patient or I was in trouble, possibly both.

After an unknown period a mid forties gentleman showed up and introduced himself as Doctor Peters. His manner, like the nurses, was no nonsense so I suspected I'd be getting a lecture about something.

"Well how are we feeling Mr. Bancroft, or do you prefer to go by Ms Bancroft?"

I didn't know how to answer him. Both felt right, yet both were wrong.

'God I'm so confused!' I thought.

"Why don't we just stick with Andie for the time being?" I suggested.

'Oh god I just thought of myself in the feminine!'

"Okay Andie. Let's start off with your injuries. You have a broken rib and a severely cracked rib. We have your chest bandaged pretty tightly so you will have some difficulty breathing and won't be able to take a deep breath for a while. The compression may also make your developing breasts hurt too. You also can't lift anything heavy for at least a month.

"You also have a slight concussion. There doesn't appear to be any permanent trauma to your brain, but I understand from your medical history that you had quite the trauma when you were much younger. I want you to see your doctor in a few days as you'll need some additional tests done just to be absolutely sure. I'll leave instructions for your doctor with the nurse.

"Now in looking at your medical records you have not been cleared by a doctor to be taking female hormones. I'm assuming you are getting them illegally off the Internet?"

"I'm not taking any medication at the moment."

"Andie, your hormone levels tell us otherwise. I'm only trying to make sure you get the best care possible. Purchasing drugs without a prescription off the Internet is foolish at best, dangerous and possibly even deadly at worst. The companies that will sell you prescription drugs without one are not operating within the law. Also you don't really know what you are getting or the quality of what you are getting from such companies.

"Secondly, in order to get female hormones you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who specializes in GID and you have to be approved for hormones. You then need blood work and ongoing monitoring to ensure that there will be no complications from taking the hormones."

"Honest Doc, I'm not taking anything. After they found me when I was a kid I was so pumped full of drugs and had to take pills for so long a time, I can't stand the thought of taking pills or getting injections. I rarely even take aspirin.

"As for taking female hormones until about a month ago I was a normal guy and then things got weird. It all started with some strange dreams and it has been getting much worse over the last few days or so."

"What kind of dreams?"

"I'd rather not say what some of them were about. Others were perfectly normal everyday type things except in them I'm watching two teenage girls, putting on make-up and doing ordinary everyday girl stuff together and they are talking to me about it."

"Have you been having blackout or periods of time you can't account for? Any unusual behaviour?"

I didn't want to answer any of those questions. I wondered if I could lie to this doctor and he wouldn't know?

"Well Andie, I can see by your hesitation that you have been."

'Damn!' I thought, 'Busted.'

"There was nothing in your head X-ray's to indicate any problems. I'll be recommending to your physician that he get some brain scans and an MRI done on you. I'll also be recommending that he refer you to a psychiatrist that specializes in GID and trauma."

I didn't even know what GID meant and I wasn't about to ask. I'm assuming it has something to do with people who want to change their sex. I don't want that as I'm happy being a wo....a man.

What am I? I don't know anymore.

"Doctor could you please contact Greg or Jeff Adamson and let them know where I am?"

"I believe they are out in the waiting area. They haven't been allowed in to see you yet. I can send them in when we are done."

"Are they your partners?"

I giggled despite the pain in my head and chest. "I'm not into men, Doctor.

"Greg and I have been best friends for years, he's also my boss. He was my best man when Helen, my ex, and I married. Jeff is Greg's husband. I was Greg's best man at their wedding. I even introduced the two of them. Jeff told me....when was it, is it still today?" The doctor nodded. "Jeff told me with all of the changes happening to me they lost that kind of interest in me. I'm too much of a woman now, was the way Jeff put it. We're still friends and all. They've been great at helping me stay sane through all of this."

"So you are strictly heterosexual?"

"I didn't say that Doc. I said I wasn't into men."

The doctor was clearly puzzled by what I was saying. Did I have to spell it out for him? Sheesh, how dumb can he be?

"I'm only into women. I'm a lesbian!"

As soon as I said it I was shocked. I'd just told the doctor that I was a lesbian. I'm a guy, so I can't be a lesbian, can I?

I tried to think about having sex as a man with a woman and came up blank. I just couldn't for the life of me even remember Helen and Andy having sex. Yet thinking about myself as a woman engaged in lesbian sex made my nipples get hard and tingle, and I felt a flush quickly go through my body. While I no longer remembered how to please a woman as a man would, I knew without a doubt that I could please a woman as a woman.

"Shit!"

The doctor stopped his thinking about what I'd just said and looked back at me. "What's the matter?"

"A month ago I was a normal every day heterosexual guy. I'd never once thought about putting on a dress or being a woman, let alone becoming one. Now I don't know what I am anymore. One moment I think I'm male, but behaving like a woman, then the next I'm thinking and behaving like I'm a woman. I can't even see the changes in me, unless they are pointed out to me and I look really closely and concentrate very hard. I'm told I'm acting almost completely like a woman now. I'm even thinking like one and don't even know it."

My world collapsed until all I could focus on was my confusion and fear about what was happening to me. At this point I broke down crying. I wasn't even aware of the doctor injecting a mild sedative into my IV to calm me down.

When I came to my senses Jeff was beside the bed holding my hand and he looked very concerned. Greg and the doctor were having a discussion over near the door.

"Jeff, I'm scared! Could you please hold me again?"

"I'm sorry Andie, but that's out of the question. Those ribs need to start healing properly." said the doctor hearing my request.

The doctor called for the nurse and spoke to her. She returned a minute later and the doctor injected something else into my IV. Within moments I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't feeling much of anything emotionally anymore.

"I'm going to let your friends visit with you for ten minutes and then I'm going to insist you get some rest." After that the doctor left and Greg came over to join Jeff at my bed.

"What am I going to do with you Andie? You scared Mary Fuller half to death when you fell into the elevator and practically landed on top of her. She's so high strung she'll be off on stress leave now for a month or two. So what happened girl, er, Buddy?"

"I was with Jeff and he was pointing out to me how I've changed. I lost it for a bit and Jeff was holding onto me in support. I thanked Jeff for being so understanding." Jeff touched his cheek where I'd kissed him and Greg nodded. No secrets between those two. "It was about then I started to smell the alcohol. I had to get out of there as fast as I could. I got in the car and drove to work as quickly as I could."

Greg interrupted, "We heard something about that on the news."

"Well the smell was with me and it wasn't going away. Despite driving with the windows down it was getting stronger with every passing moment. I parked the car."

"More like the wall stopped the car. The front end of your car will need some extensive repairs. Also, you left your keys in the ignition, the engine running and the door and windows open." said Greg.

I nodded, that sounded about right. "Then I ran to the elevators. I could hear him coming down the hall but I couldn't see anything. When he was close he told me I was a sissy faggot and threatened me. The smell was so strong I was about to throw up when I was kicked in the chest and I hit my head. The next thing I knew I was here."

"That sounds pretty close to what we pieced together. Jeff said about the time you freaked and left our place he started faintly smelling alcohol. Your insane drive to the office was even mentioned on the news, but no one managed to get the plate number, only a vague description of a car being driven insanely. I'm surprised you didn't hurt or kill anyone.

"The security footage from the hallway shows only you in there. You look scared to death. You were bending over when suddenly you were lifted off the ground by a few inches and fell back down, hitting your head on the corner of the elevator door as it opened. The hallway was reeking of stale alcohol when they found you and Mary. The smell still hadn't started to clear either when I left to come here.

"Oh yes, while we were waiting to come in and visit you I got a call from our receptionist at work. The police are looking for you. The owner of Naomi's Fashions believes you trashed her place this afternoon, although she didn't see anyone in the store and her security camera didn't catch anything other than her stock being torn to shreds by an invisible vandal. However she smelled alcohol and she said it was the same type as when you visited her a few weeks back and she smelled it then."

"Is Naomi alright? I couldn't stand it if he hurt her."

"She was unhurt but quite shaken up by the whole thing. Her insurance should cover everything."

"Luckily for you the ER people can vouch for your location at the time of the vandalism. The police still want to question you about what happened to you and to her store. They think you know who's behind it."

"How can I tell the police I'm being attacked by an invisible alcoholic ghost and I think it's the same one who destroyed my beautiful dress, put me in hospital and trashed Naomi's store?"

"I agree it is stretching credibility by a fair bit."

"Everything that has been happening to me of late has been stretching credibility and reality to the breaking point."

The nurse came in and indicated that they had to leave. "We'll be by to see you tomorrow. If you don't have any problems tonight the doctor said he'll release you tomorrow. Andie, I think it would be best if you stayed with us for a bit."

I nodded, but didn't think it would matter where I was. If he attacked Naomi's place then he was just as likely to attack Greg and Jeff's place, or worse, them. This was my problem and it would be better if I went home. At least it would only be me that was hurt....Or worse.

We said goodnight and the nurse came back in and injected something into my IV. The next thing I remember I was on board the jet bound for Toronto.
 
 
If I'm not Andy or Andie, then who am I?
 
I'm back in the now again. From the time on the car radio it looks like I've lost most of a day again, as it's mid afternoon the day after I left Toronto.

I look in the mirror and the cut has almost completely healed. The stitches are nowhere to be seen. I look at my hair and make-up and they are just right. The dress I'm wearing is comfortable and warm. I have no idea when I bought these clothes, pierced my ears or where I stayed last night. I'm assuming I did all of this in Sudbury, but I wouldn't want to bet on it. My ears look completely healed as if I'd pierced them a long time ago.

My destination is only a few miles down the road. The inevitable awaits me. There is no avoiding it. I can't turn aside now even if I still had the will power to try. Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether I want it to or not. The only thing I can do now is finish it.

I pull up in front of the bed and breakfast, get out of the car and retrieve my luggage from the trunk. My ribs feels fine and haven't bothered me since I've come back to the now while driving. As a matter of a fact I'm sure I'm not even wearing the tape anymore and that my ribs are no longer cracked or broken.

I walk to the door of the B&B and hear the click of my high heeled boots on the path. I look down and marvel at the fact that I'm walking in four inch heels as though I've worn them my entire life. But then I have worn heels like this since I was allowed them by my mother. My mother? I have no idea who that is I can't even see her face, yet I know that fact about her.

I love the sound my heels make and how my dress moves as I walk in them. It's a kind of freedom that I'd never known before. Nothing sexual about it either, just a rightness that was never there when Andy wore his male clothing.

I check in and am shown to my room. I wonder what I'd done with Andy's clothes as I don't see them in the suitcase that I'd bought and I hadn't seen them in the rental car either. The only things in the suitcase was women's clothing and personal affects.

It's funny, but the loss of Andy's stuff doesn't bother me in the least. I still don't know who I am, but I'm definitely not Andy anymore. I'm not sure I'm Andie anymore. I suppose that the answers will all make themselves known to me soon enough. Either that or I'll be locked up in an insane asylum for the rest of my life.

I giggled at that thought. I don't think I'll end up there though. For the first time I can remember in Andy's life I'm happy with me. I am me, whoever that is.

I'm very tired from the flights and the long drive here. After going out for dinner and returning to my room I get dressed in a warm, sensible night shirt and get into the cosy bed and pull the comforter over me.

I slept like I was with the angels. No dreams, no nasty drunk men pursuing me. Just beautiful, restful sleep.

The breakfast was scrumptious. I couldn't compliment the owner of the B&B enough about the meal. Did I just use the word scrumptious? Well I can use it, Andy never would, the word was too girlie for him. Andy was too restrained, he never allowed himself any real fun. It was always about schoolwork, Helen or work. There never was anything else in his life. He never dreamt of anything beyond those small horizons.

Me? I want to see it all, know it all. I'm free to be me. The only thing missing from my life now is someone to share it with. Helen is straight, and I wouldn't dream of stealing her away from her new man, anyway. What we had is gone now forever. Besides it belonged to Andy, not me. I don't grieve for the loss of Helen or Samantha. I'm happy for them and wish them the best.

I just realized I got Andy's little girl's name right without the trouble he had. I wonder why he couldn't get it right and I can?

I guess it's also funny that I'm thinking about Andy in the past tense. He's me, yet he's no longer me. I don't even know who I am, yet I'm so happy. Yet Andy didn't know who he was. He was a child without a past. From his state when he was found it would appear it wasn't a good childhood, but that's only speculation.

I spend my day going around the small community. There's not a lot here, probably never will be. Yet it's homey and I could be happy here. The un-rushed lifestyle has its appeal after living in Vancouver for so long.

I smile at that thought. Vancouver is probably the most laid back major city in the country. Well I guess compared to this sleepy town it is rushed and busy. Torontonians often have trouble adjusting to the way Vancouverites work and live. Vancouverites almost always have trouble adjusting to the Toronto work and live. It's a gross generalization, but to Vancouverites it seems that people from Toronto live to work, while we work to live. I'm sure there are people of both types in both locations, it's just a different feel to each place.

I had a lazy day wandering around the town playing tourist. Despite being a small town I managed to find a couple of nice restaurants for my lunch and dinner. Although there weren't many quality clothing stores so I couldn't add to my meagre collection women's clothing. I guess my tastes in women's clothing are more in tune with city living than this little town.

It was the night before Halloween and almost every house and store was decked out in some fashion to celebrate the day. There were children walking around, some in their costumes. Too anxious to wait another day I suppose, or were they just wearing them to school for a class costume party? Both were possible I suppose.
 
 
Ghost Tales and Scary Dreams
 
The owner of the B&B's curiosity eventually got the best of him and he started asking me questions. I did my best to answer him honestly, but there were just some I couldn't answer as I didn't know the answers.

"Are you enjoying your stay Ms Bancroft?"

"Yes, I'm so glad I came here. It's a wonderful change from living in Vancouver all of my life. It's so peaceful and relaxing. I'm sure I'll be back here in the future."

"So what brings you to our little town? We aren't exactly a tourist haven and we are way off the beaten path."

How do I answer that one? I don't know why I'm here. I certainly can't say I blacked out and just arrived here.

"I heard the name of the town on the news while I was planning a vacation and liked the name so I came. I've always heard the eastern fall leaves are so much more vibrant than in the west and the pictures I've seen always confirmed that. I thought it was about time I enjoyed them in more than just pictures."

"That's true enough. I've been out to Vancouver a few times and it's beautiful in its own right."

"Yes it is. As much as I love it here I do love the West Coast and don't think I could leave it for long. It kinda get inside you and becomes a part of you."

"I feel the same about here. I moved away after I finished high school and worked in Toronto for a time. I never could get the hang of city living and eventually found myself back here. I made enough money working in the mill before it closed to buy this place and set up this as my business. We get enough tourists staying here to make a decent enough living."

"It's certainly cosy and the breakfast, well you know how much I enjoyed that."

"Yes I did notice. You don't get good home cooked breakfast much I take it?"

"Not as good as that was. Not by a long shot."

He paused for a moment thinking before continuing. "You aren't by any chance planning on going to the old McKay house are you?"

"I hadn't heard about it. Is it some local tourist place?"

"Well forgive me for saying this if I'm wrong, but when strangers book here a few nights before Halloween they are almost always wanting to visit our local haunted house."

"Okay I'll bite, how much does it cost? I don't mind supporting the local charities or schools."

"I'm not joking Ms Bancroft. It's haunted. I've personally heard some of the weird noises and seen some things that just don't belong here with the living in that house.

"You see, a girl a few years younger than me that I went to school with was murdered in that house."

The look on his face made me think he was telling me the truth. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the story especially as I seemed to be having my own otherworldly issues. Then again maybe they were related and I could learn something.

"It sounds fascinating. Would you tell me the story?"

"Well almost twenty five years ago the McKay family lived in that house. There was old man McKay and his wife, his daughter Rachel and a son named Christopher. Rachel was the one I mentioned going to school with. Christopher had a girlfriend named Amy who was also there the night old man McKay went crazy.

"Now the story I heard is that old man McKay started having some kind of trouble. He never talked about it with anyone, keeping whatever it was to himself. Then he began drinking and it soon became a problem too. He'd been reprimanded at work several times for coming to work drunk. As time went by he fell deeper and deeper into the bottle.

"One day he accidentally dropped a shipping crate off his forklift onto one of the other mill workers. Damn near killed the poor fellow. Of course old man McKay was drunk and they had to fire him. They also found a half drunk bottle in the forklift with him.

"Now this was around lunchtime on October thirty-first. He goes to the local pub and drinks himself blind. Eventually they threw him out and he goes home and kills his family and the neighbour girl. McKay loaded up the bodies into the family truck and went to dispose of them. They still haven't found Christopher's remains, but they are sure he's dead just like the others, there was enough of his blood found in his bedroom to convince them of that. They found Rachel's remains a couple of years after the murders. Amy's they only found a few months ago, just a little way down the bog from where Rachel's were left.

"Old man McKay managed to drive his truck into a tree at eighty kilometres an hour, before he got rid of his wife's body. Killed him instantly. Which was more than what poor Amy or his wife got. They weren't kill instantly like Rachel was. As for Christopher, who knows, but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.

"No one is sure what set him off or why he tried to hide the bodies. There is no way he could have hidden what he'd done. It was a tragedy that shook up our entire town, no one was the same after that. It was like it happened to our own family. Not someone you hardly knew.

"Now every Halloween up at the McKay place there are weird things going on. Some come here to try and prove ghosts exists, others are just curious, others are bent on proving it's a bunch of locals trying to drum up a tourist industry. Now how much money do you think we could make from a handful tourists showing up for one or two nights a year?"

"Not much I'm guessing?"

"Not enough to pay for anything. We get a decent enough trade out of folks like yourself who just come here out of the blue wanting to get away from the rat race. We also have some fishing and hunting that brings others here at various times of the year."

"What a terrible thing to happen to that poor family and that girl Amy. Do you tell that story to everyone who comes here around Halloween?"

"Just the ones that I think might be curious enough to go up there and have a look-see. I don't want to see anybody getting hurt or involved in things that they shouldn't. So I tell the story in hopes they'll be smart enough to stay away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The ones who don't listen always wish they had."

"Do you really believe that there are ghosts up there haunting the place?"

"Yes I do. When I was much younger and so much more foolish than I am now, I went up there one Halloween on a dare. I heard things and saw things that no one should ever have to experience. Since then I've never been back near the place and I have no intention of ever going near the place again. I take a five kilometre detour when I go to visit my folks just so I can avoid driving past it."

I wasn't sure how much of his ghost story was true and how much was a sales job. I have a feeling that the murders probably happened, as the name of this town and the name Amy rang a bell with that news story the night Andy's most recent troubles began.

So here I was in a town where a family had been murdered. The male child's remains were still missing although the authorities were sure he was dead. The years seemed a bit off to align with Andy's being found, but then my host hadn't been precise on the number of years ago that this happened. Not to mention the rig where Andy had been found had started off much further west, in Saskatchewan, rather than here in Ontario. Yet, here I am in this town the night before the anniversary of the murders. Things had too much resonance to be completely unrelated.

I thanked my host for his hospitality and the local lore and headed up to my room. I had a feeling I'd end up in the local library tomorrow looking over the old news archives, just to get the facts without any colour added by my host.

I guess I should feel guilty about not letting Greg and Jeff know Andie is okay. Then again there didn't appear to be an Andy or an Andie anymore, just me, whomever I happen to be or end up being. It's funny it doesn't bother me at all, not knowing who I am. I know that things will all be as they should be soon enough and that I don't have to worry about it.

I got ready for bed and settled in for another beautiful night's sleep. What I got however was anything but.

Amy and I chat excitedly as we walk home from school. Tonight is Halloween and my Daddy is supposed to be working the late shift today at the mill today. As long as I get home well before his shift ends at nine then I'd get to wear my costume and Daddy won't have to get upset.

Amy, Rachel and I have worked very hard on our costumes. We are going out as the three witches from Macbeth, only we are not going to be ugly witches, we are going to be cute ones. Okay so Shakespeare wouldn't be happy as his witches were ugly crones, but he's dead so who cares.

It will be the first time in months that I get to be the real me. I won't have to pretend to be Christopher tonight. The doctors agree with me that I'm a girl, however Daddy doesn't like me being a girl. He wants me to be a boy and makes me pretend to be one.

He's been drinking a lot lately and whenever he thinks I'm not acting like a boy he gets upset and yells at me, Mummy and Rachel. He's even yells at Amy too. Her parents have told him never to do that again to her, but he told them to....well he used a lot of words a nice man wouldn't use. Because of that Amy isn't allowed over anymore if he's at home.

We would have made our costumes at Amy's place but her parents think I'm a boy and Mummy thinks it would be best if we kept it a secret that I'm a girl for a while longer. Mummy says we have to take things slowly so that Daddy can learn to accept me as Susan. It has been five years and he still won't accept me and insists that I have to be Christopher.

I think Amy's mother knows I'm a girl. She doesn't say anything, but I'm over there often enough and basically being me, that she has to know or suspect I'm not really a boy. She doesn't even mind me being alone with Amy in Amy's room or the two of us being up there when she isn't around. No boy is allowed to do that.

Amy found out about me because Rachel and I were not careful enough and Amy overheard her calling me Susan and her little sister a few times. She cornered me on the way home from school one day and asked me if I was really a girl. I thought I was going to die. The girl I'd had a crush on for forever was asking me if I was a girl. I didn't want to tell her. I thought she'd laugh at me and then tell everyone, then Daddy would find out and he'd drink more. Maybe he'd start hitting me again.

I had started to cry and Amy held onto me and said it was alright if I was a girl. She thought I would be a great girl and wanted to be my friend. She said I would make a better girl than a silly boy anyway. Since then Amy and I have been best friends.

Daddy doesn't like us being best friends though. He thinks I should play with boys, but they always play too rough and do things I'm not interested in. I don't think they like me much as most of them ignore me except when Daddy makes me play with them. Then I get hurt and Daddy gets mad at me and tells me to act like a man. I always want to tell him I'm not a man or a boy, but he hits me whenever I do.

Amy and I chat about our plans for the evening and stop by her place so she can drop off her school books and stuff. We then get her costume and mine and go over to my place to get ready. We've kept my costume at her place in case Daddy goes through my room again looking for my girl stuff. We used to hide my clothes in Rachel's room, but she started to develop and she and I are no longer close enough in size or shape anymore. Daddy figured out we were hiding my clothes in with hers and he made me burn all of my girl clothes when he found them. He even made Rachel burn her two favourite outfits as punishment for hiding my stuff with hers. Rachel and I cried in each other's arms which only made Daddy more angry.

Amy bought me a make-up kit and has been teaching me how to use it. I've become quite good at it and I'm almost as good as she is. We can't do much with my hair as Daddy always makes me keep it short. It's shorter than most of the boys I go to school with. We bought a cheap wig for my costume so I'll have beautiful long hair like I should.

We finally get to my house and my mother greets us when we walk in the door. "How are you two girls today? I bet you are both excited about tonight?"

"I'm fine Mum. I can't wait for tonight."

"I'm doing okay Mrs. McKay. I can't wait to finally see Susan in her full costume and make-up."

"Well you two run up to Susan's room and start getting ready. I'll have some dinner ready for all of you in about twenty minutes."

"Oh Mum, that not fair! We won't have room for all of the candy if we eat dinner." I mock protest.

"That's why I'm making all of you dinner."

"Now hurry up and get ready. The three of you need to be out the door as soon as possible and back here by eight. Susan I don't want your father to see you in your costume or he'll get upset."

She is right, Daddy will get upset. You can still see traces of the black eye she got when she asked him a few weeks ago if I could go out as a witch for Halloween.

My parents fight a lot now. Not all of it is over me. A lot of it is over Daddy's drinking all the time. The police have been here a few times and Daddy's been before a judge once because of it. The judge warned him if he hit any of us again he'd go to jail.

I overheard my mum telling Amy's mum that if he hits her or any of us again she's going to divorce him. I don't hate my Daddy, he wasn't a bad man until he started drinking too much. He just can't understand I'm not really a boy and he tries to make me be one like him.

Amy and I run upstairs and get into our make-up. Amy brought my make-up kit with her so I quickly do my own face. We look so pretty with our make-up on. We look so old we could pass for fifteen, like Rachel.

"Susan can I tell you something special, it's a kind of secret too? You can't tell anyone either."

"You can tell me anything you want. I can keep a secret."

"You know when you were pretending to be Chris that I didn't like you at all."

"I know. I wasn't good at being a boy and failed miserably no matter how hard I tried."

"It's not just that. You see....Can I ask you a question first before I tell you the secret?"

"Sure."

"Do you like boys?"

"Of course not."

"I'm not talking about you trying to be one. I'm talking about in a few years, will you as a girl want to be dating them?"

"No! Boys are gross."

"Are you sure Susan? It's important that you be totally honest with me. You don't think you would like to kiss any of them when you are fully a girl?"

"Ewww gross!"

"Do you think you would like to be kissing girls?"

I nodded my head shyly.

"Have you thought about who you would like to be kissing as a girl?"

"Um, yes."

"Who would you like to kiss?"

Oh god how could I tell her I've had a crush on her for like forever? If she thinks I like her in that way she won't be my friend anymore. I must have turned all kinds of red and I hid my face from her. Girls weren't supposed to like girls. Was I really a boy because I liked girls?

"Hey, I'm your friend. It didn't matter to me that you weren't a boy. I didn't tell anyone or make fun of you like you were afraid I would. If you like girls that's okay with me. There are girls who like girls and don't like boys you know."

I turn and look at her. "Is that true?"

"Yes it is. I'm one of them and I think you are too."

I nod meekly. I'm afraid to admit it. Amy is such a good friend, I know I can trust her, especially as she likes girls too.

"Is there anyone in particular that you like?"

"Um, yes there is."

"Who?"

I knew she was going to ask me that. I can't tell her. I don't know why. I must have turned a deep shade of red and the heat in the room feels like it is going up to near thirty Celsius.

Amy takes my face and gently turns it toward her. "I love a very special girl and I'm going to kiss her to let her know how I feel about her."

She leans forward and gently kisses me on my lips. I'm not sure if I kiss her back or not as I'm so stunned.

"Susan. Susan! Earth to Susan, come in Susan."

"Whaa? You love me?"

"Yes I do. I've seen the way you look at me and I think you love me too don't you?"

I nod. "I've had a crush on you forever. I couldn't tell you because you never liked me as Chris and then when you found out about me being Susan I thought we couldn't be together because we are both girls."

"It was when I found out that you were Susan that I realized that I wanted you to be my girlfriend. Since then I've wanted to kiss you every time I see you. Will you be my girlfriend Susan?"

"Yes I will. I want to be your girlfriend with all of my heart."

We both lean forward and this time I kiss Amy back as she kisses me. She starts to explore my mouth with her tongue. I just let her take charge, just as she always does when we are together. I can't describe the kiss. It makes me feel all funny inside and hot on the outside. I know one thing I don't want this feeling to ever end.

"I was wondering when you two you finally admit you liked each other." said Rachel from just inside my bedroom doorway.

Both of us start spluttering and blushing at being caught by my sister. We hadn't even heard her open the door and come in.

"Come on you two, Mum's got dinner on the table. Oh, you both had better fix up your lipstick before you go downstairs."

We look at each other and start giggling like mad. We really had made a mess of our lipstick.

A few minutes later we are downstairs sitting at the table with silly smiles on our faces. Rachel keeps on giving us looks to get us to try and act normal. I guess she thinks Mum might not be ready to know Amy and I are girlfriends.

I can't help but smile. I'm so happy at the moment. I'm going to be me for the night. I'm going out with my sister and my best friend on Halloween. To top it all off I'd just become the girlfriend of the girl I've had a major crush on for as long as I can remember. How can I not be happy?

What would make it really great now is if Daddy could accept me and let me be Susan, and that I'd been born a real girl. Those two thoughts suddenly make me very sad.

"Hey, what's up Susan?" asks my mother.

"I was just thinking I wished Daddy would accept me and let me be Susan and that I'd been born a real girl." I struggle not to ruin my make-up with my tears. "It's so unfair."

Mum, Rachel and Amy all come over to me and hug me tightly. They all love me and accept me as Susan, why can't Daddy?

I'd often thought of making my pain go away. No more Christopher, no more Susan. I know where Daddy keeps the hunting rifle and the bullets for it. If it wasn't for Mummy, Rachel and most recently Amy, I'd have done it long ago.

Eventually I cry myself out. I thank all of them for loving me. Soon my tears are forgotten and dinner is finished. We all help my mother clean up and do the dishes.

After that it is making sure that our make-up is perfect and getting into our costumes. Mum takes a picture of the three of us in our costumes. She tells us she will keep the picture hidden from Daddy until he is able to accept me.

We had so much fun trick-or-treating. No one recognized us and no one thought I was Christopher. We laughed, talked, got candy, played some pranks. I've never been happier. I wish every day could be like today.

We get home a bit after eight. Mummy pretends to be angry, but she knew we would be late which is why we had to be home so early. Mummy tells me I have to get out of my make-up and costume first in case Daddy comes home early. I know she is right, but I don't want this wonderful day to end.

I wash my face three times to make sure there isn't any make-up left on my face. I'm just finishing in the bathroom when I heard Mummy and Daddy yelling downstairs. Daddy is really drunk and I can smell it all the way upstairs when I get out of the bathroom. I'm so scared! I can't let Daddy see me like this, I still have my costume on. I knew I should have taken it off first, but I was just so excited I forgot. Daddy'll get upset and hit me if he sees me in it.

I slip quietly from the bathroom, but there is a large open space between the bathroom and my room where Daddy might see me from downstairs. I'm so scared that Daddy will see me if I go any further that I'm frozen to the floor and can't move another step. Amy and Rachel are looking out of my bedroom door at me and are waving their arms for me to sneak back into my room as quickly and quietly as I can.

Rachel realizes that I am frozen with fear and disappears into my room and quickly comes back out with my boy clothes hidden under her cape. She is walking toward me, but her boots must have made enough sound and Daddy turns around and sees her.

"I knew it was them! I saw them walk past the pub. I told you I'd make you all pay for trying to turn my son into a sissy."

Mummy runs for the phone and Daddy chases her and hits her. She falls to the ground, but doesn't get up, although she is still moving around. Daddy goes over to the phone and rips the cord out of the wall and throws the phone onto the floor beside Mummy, where it breaks into a lot of pieces.

"Try calling the police now bitch!" he yells at her and then he kicks her hard in the stomach. Mummy can hardly breath, but she reaches out and grabs Daddy's pants. Daddy turns around and stomps his foot hard on her arm. I hear the bones in her arm break and I scream as she does.

Rachel runs to me and drags me back to my room. She throws me into the room and quickly closes the door and grabs a chair and wedges it under the door handle.

"Quick, you two out the window and climb down to the ground. Then run to the neighbour's house and call the police and an ambulance. I'll try and keep him out of here until you two are safe."

We hear Daddy staggering up the stairs and then trying to open the door.

"Open the door right now or you'll regret it." he slurs most of his words.

Amy and I are scared to death. We are so afraid we can't move.

"Hurry. I won't be able to keep him out of here much longer." she says adding her weight to the door.

Amy recovers first, takes my hand and leads me over to the window. Daddy is pounding on the door and yelling at us to let him in. The pounding suddenly stops and we all wondered if he's given up.

Suddenly the door splinters inward hitting Rachel hard, knocking her backwards, causing her to hit the back of her head on the corner of my dresser. There is an awful crunching sound and she slumps to the floor and doesn't move or make a sound. Her unblinking eyes wide open in shock.

Amy and I start screaming and crying. We hold on to each other but Daddy pulls us apart and throws me into the wall. I hit the wall hard and I can't breathe as the wind is completely knocked out of me. I can see Amy try and run to me but my Daddy grabs her and starts choking her. Amy is struggling with all of her strength and kicking as hard as she can, but Daddy doesn't release his grip.

"I'll bet the three of you really are witches and you cast a spell on my son to make him into a sissy faggot. I'm going to make sure none of you can cast any more evil spells onto any other man's son."

Amy's struggles are growing more frantic by the second and she's getting paler too. I am starting to get my breath back and I manage to get to my feet and try to help Amy. I grab Daddy's arm and yank as hard as I can. He lets go of her and hits me in the face and I feel something go crunch in my cheek under my eye as I spin around and hit the floor. I can't see straight as one of my eyes isn't working right.

Daddy walks over to me and starts kicking me in the chest and stomach and I can't breath again. Occasionally his foot hits me in the face, sometimes other things break there too. He keeps on telling me he'll teach me how to be a boy and not some fucking pansy. Each kick seems to be worse than the one before. I'm hoping that Amy can get away while he is hurting me. It never happens.

I hear Amy cough and groan. Her voice doesn't sound good and I think he's hurt her throat. Daddy stops kicking me and staggers back over to her. From what I can tell he's choking her again. This time I can't help her, I hurt too much to move and I can hardly breathe. He keeps on choking her even after she stops moving.

I see someone else come into the room. I think it's Mummy, but my eyes aren't working right. I can't breathe right either and I'm seeing a lot of spots too.

The other person makes a stabbing motion and Daddy roars in anger. He spins around and hits the other person. They scream out in pain. It is Mummy! I hear something hit the floor, I think it is a big kitchen knife. Daddy bends down and picks up whatever had fallen and attacks Mummy with it. She cries out a few times but then she doesn't make any more sounds or move anymore.

I pray to God that I'd never been born. That Daddy wouldn't have started drinking and that Mummy, Rachel and Amy would never have been hurt.

God is punishing me for being a girl in a boy's body. God hates me. I know I'm going to die. I'm going to hell for being Susan. The people who love Susan are being punished by God too.

Daddy comes over to me again and starts kicking me and calling me horrible things. Every so often I hear and feel something else break inside me. I can't feel much anymore. I can taste blood, I think I've cut my tongue and cheeks on some of my broken teeth.

I can't breathe, everything is going far, far away....Someone else is here with me. She's telling me it's alright to let go, but not to will my body to die. She says someone else will need it soon. I like her she's nice. I'm so tired....

I wake up screaming. I had felt every blow as he hit and kicked Susan. I felt every bone break or crack. I had smelled and tasted the blood and felt the terror as she watched her sister, girlfriend and mother die. No wonder Andy had no past. Who could live through that? Susan certainly didn't. She died that night on the floor of her bedroom.

Within a few moments of my screams there was a knocking on my door. "Are you alright Ms Bancroft?"

"Just a minute."

I get my housecoat on and go to the door and speak to my concerned host. "That ghost story of yours earlier tonight inspired one hell of a nasty dream." I said this with a neutral inflection, not blaming him for the dream and not letting him off the hook either.

"Is there anything I can get you? A strong drink or something?"

"Thank you, but no. Alcohol and I don't mix at all. I'm just going to go back to bed and see if I can avoid any further bad dreams."

"I'm sorry the story caused this to happen. If you need anything please don't hesitate to let me know."

"Thank you. Good night."

I close the door and go back to bed and think about the dream and what it had told me. The answer to Andy's lost past. I'm not sure he could have handled it. I don't even think Andie could have handled it.

Why am I seeing myself as someone different from Andy or Andie? I've become someone else again, someone who has most of their memories, but isn't them.

If I think about Susan I remember all that she had experienced from her earliest memories to her untimely death at the hands of her father. Yet it is still like I am remembering something external to me, not really a part of me at all, despite feeling it as they had felt it. Even Andy and Andie's memories seem disassociated from me now. If I'm not any of these people that I remember being, then who am I?

"I don't think I'll find any of the answers tonight." I said to the room as I turned out the light and amazingly enough went right to sleep without any further unsettling dreams.
 
 
To Infinity and Beyond
 
The next morning my host was again apologetic about causing my nightmare. Yet I don't think either he or I had any choice in the events that lead up to him telling that story to me. Something greater than any one individual was steering me toward that house and my ultimate fate.

Maybe I was meant to die and Susan's family and Amy were going to see to it that I joined them, wherever they are. Maybe I'll do something to save them and myself in some way like Rachel and Amy had said. Maybe I'll go there and my host will be there with a bunch of his friends and laughing about how they set up the gullible city slicker; hardly likely I think. No matter what my fate, it will be found inside that old house tonight, on Halloween, the anniversary of those grisly murders. There was no other place left for me to go in my search for answers, or in search of me.

Oh and I figured out Andy's problems with Samantha's name. I remember Susan looking at a baby picture of her big sister. Samantha was the spitting image of Rachel when she was a baby. Not even Helen could have told the difference between baby Rachel and baby Samantha. Something good out of Susan's life somehow broke through into Andy's life and helped ruin something that had been good.

I now understood that Andy's self destructive behaviour was brought on by the iron grip he used to keep his female side hidden from all, especially from himself. Andy was doomed to kill himself sooner or later. Andie might have been able to find some measure of happiness for herself and have lived a somewhat normal life.

I was still no closer to uncovering any new truths when I found myself standing before the door of my old home. If I'm not Christopher, Susan, Andy or Andie then how can this be my home?

Yet when I look at the house I don't see one house, one reality, I see many realities overlapping each other, some even blending together. In one, the house is old and neglected because no one has looked after it since the night of the tragedy. In another, the house has been bought and sold a few times, because it was never haunted. In another, the tragedy of that Halloween didn't occur, but other tragic events befell the McKay family.

In yet another reality, Susan has always been a natural girl and happy to be one. No horrific events or gender confusions marred that reality, at least not for the McKay family. This was the one that I feel drawn to. The reality that most seems right to me and for me. Yet, if I take hold of that reality I will be bridging two realities as I can never completely leave this reality for that reality. Events, people and things in one will be drawn into the other through me. Some effects will occur without a cause in each reality if I become a bridge.

I think about what has happened to me since Andy's first dream. Reality, dreams, cause and effect had all been distorted and I was the centre of that distortion. Whatever my choice, at least two realities would change to accommodate it. Yet did I have a choice? It would seem that I had already made this decision many times in my past and my future. The past, present and future, all knotted together like a ball of hopeless tangled string. Yet....I smiled knowing I'd made the right choice. But then I'd already made this choice in the past and I will make it again in the future.

I turned around and walked back to the car. What I saw there made my heart soar even more.

"Can I give you a hand Amy?"

"Thanks Hon."

Amy handed me our adopted daughter Teagan, and got the mountain of supplies a baby needs from the trunk of our rental car. Our daughter was so beautiful she took my breath away every time I looked at her. Amy finished gathering what Teagan would need and came over and gave me a hug with her free arm and a kiss.

"We told you we would save us all didn't we Susan?"

I looked at her shocked, "You know?"

She smiled that smile I loved so much, "Of course Love, your mother and Rachel know as well. We were just as much a part of making this all come true as you were."

I started crying at this news. I had thought I would be alone in my knowledge of all that had transpired. Now I would never doubt the truth of everything that had happened. I loved Amy more than ever at that moment.

She took my free arm in hers and we walked to the door.

Mum must have been waiting for us as the door opened as soon as we stepped onto the porch. "Welcome home Susan, Amy."

Mum hugged me and whispered into my ear, "Thank-you." The look on my mother's face confirmed what Amy had said. She knew! Then she did the same to Amy.

"Teagan, say hello to your Grandma." Of course all Grandma got from our daughter was a few burbling sounds before she went back to sleep.

"The trip has tired her out I'm afraid."

"I wish we could have come out to Vancouver, but your father's back won't take travelling at all."

"I know Mum, that's why we are here. She's been a very good girl though. Haven't you sweetheart?" Teagan only smiled in her sleep.

Mum and Amy exchanged a knowing glance and smiled at me. The three of us hugged, being careful of Teagan.

"Where's Dad and Rachel?"

"Your father's watching some game on TV. When I told him you were here all I got was a grunt of acknowledgement. I don't think we'll see him until it's over."

We all laughed about my father's obsession with sports. Maybe watching sports was his only way to escape living in a house full of women?

"And Rachel?"

"She got stuck in an emergency cabinet meeting. Hopefully she will make it here for tomorrow afternoon. That is unless something else crops up, which it usually does."

"Well I'm going to put Teagan down for a proper sleep. Daddy will just have to wait until she wakes up."

"We bought a cot for her and put it in your old room."

"Thanks Mum."

I picked up Teagan's bag and started walking up the stairs. Each step slower than the last. I knew that nothing terrible had happened in that room in this reality, but I had lived those terrible minutes of hell in the other reality. Now that other reality was threatening to overwhelm my grip on this reality, trying draw me back again.

Things began to fade, the house becoming darker by the second. The well maintained house becomes a long abandoned death-trap. Teagan was almost translucent, an apparition. I turned around and Amy and my mother were fading as fast as my daughter.

I held onto my daughter more tightly and looked at Amy. 'No, I am never going back! This is where I belong. This is the life I should be living.' I thought.

I fought with all my might and slowly the room brightened until the other reality faded to a dim shadow that would probably haunt my nightmares for a long time to come. Teagan woke up and started crying as she must have sensed what was going on.

"I'm sorry Princess. Everything is okay now. Hush." I gave my daughter a quick cuddle and kiss before continuing up the stairs and into my old room. I placed Teagan into her crib and made sure she was comfortable then started to unpack her things for easy access later. It wasn't long before she was asleep again.

I whispered to whatever forces may be listening or responsible, "I'm never going back. I'm staying here."

I felt Amy's arm go around my waist as she cuddled up next to me. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head. "No. I had a moment where I was slipping back."

"I know, we felt it too. The three of us are always with you to help you fight against it. Eventually it won't happen anymore."

I got another chill, different this time. I looked around the room. I could see the other reality again. I could see Daddy kicking the other Susan until she appeared dead. Three more unmoving bodies lay around the room. There was blood everywhere. I almost got sick looking at it. When he had finished kicking that other Susan he took Amy's body away to be loaded into the back of his pickup. Minutes later he came back and took Rachel's too. I could feel the other Susan even in her unconscious state willing herself and her body to die. I couldn't let that happen!

"Amy, hold onto my hand and don't let go of it no matter what happens."

I slipped into the other reality, into it's past, with Amy as my anchor here. Susan McKay had to die so Andrew Bancroft could live. I don't know how I did it but I managed to get Susan to let go of life, while allowing her body to live on. It was good that she died like that, no child should have the memories that she would have if she had survived this ordeal.

I used Amy's grip on me to pull me back to where I belonged. Where I needed to be.

"What the hell just happened Susan? I could feel you holding onto my hand but I could barely see you. It was like you weren't really there."

"My other self was willing her body to die. Andrew Bancroft had to exist so I could eventually exist and you could all live again."

"I don't understand."

"The original Susan in that reality would have willed herself to die because she blamed herself for what her father did. For killing the rest of you. If she had succeeded in taking her body with her, then I would never come to be, because I came to this reality via my life as Andrew Bancroft. If Susan had succeeded, then none of us would be here and alive now. She would have broken the circle that allows us all to live. I've always helped her die without taking her body's life with her and I always will. Just as I have always chosen this reality as my final home and I always will in the future."

"Hon, I think you are trying to make my head explode!"

I turned ashen at her comment and started to cry. "I'm sorry Susan, I didn't mean that. I wasn't thinking."

Amy held onto me tightly and didn't let go until the tears had stopped. "I lost you once Amy. I'm never going to lose you again! I'm not going to lose anything this life has to give me."

We hugged a little while longer. It's funny, but in the other Susan's life we'd only been a couple for a few hours, in this life we've been a couple since that night, twenty-one years ago. Both were just as real and both made us realize how precious this gift of a second chance is.

"You'd better go fix your make-up. I'll bring in the rest of the luggage and keep your mum company for a while."

I made sure Teagan was okay and went to the bathroom to fix up my make-up. Raccoon eyes yuck!

'So much for being water proof.' I thought. 'Tears, the universal make-up solvent.'

After another quick check of Teagan and I put the portable baby monitor on. Then I went downstairs to join the others.

"Amy was telling me that you are talking like you've done this before?"

"Not me personally, but the Susan who went before me, just like the one who will come after me will. It's a kind of time loop that perpetuates the whole thing."

"I don't understand."

"Don't worry Mum, you don't have to. I just knew what I needed to do to make sure things work the way they always have and always will."

Amy and my mother exchanged a glance. "No I'm not crazy. At least no crazier than was needed to allow some equally crazy ghosts to change my sex and open a hole between realities."

That seemed to shut them up. Besides I don't know how to rationally explain any of this to myself, let alone anyone else.

"How's my daughter?"

"Daddy!"

I got up and ran to my father and was about to hug him, but the smell of alcohol enveloping him overwhelmed me. The events surrounding this father in this reality and his drinking, made my stomach churn and I had to run to the bathroom. I made it in time, but just barely.

While I was in the bathroom I heard my mother getting upset with my dad. "Jim I told you not to drink anything tonight!"

"It was just one bloody beer. It's not the same watching a game and not drinking beer."

"You know how Susan reacts to the smell. How could you put a stupid drink before your own daughter's health?"

"You know as well as I do it's all psychological!"

"Because you almost killed all of us insisting on driving us to a restaurant to celebrate your promotion which you promptly lost for drinking and driving, getting into a serious accident, losing your license and wrecking your back in the process."

I now remembered that night in this new reality. We had just come back from trick or treating and were getting out of our costumes. Daddy had gotten a promotion that day to shift supervisor. It wasn't much of a promotion, but it did mean a bit more money for the family and regular hours for him. He and a few of his coworkers had been out celebrating his promotion and drinking fairly heavily before he came home to share the news with us.

We had all tried to talk him out of it, especially as he was drunk, but he wouldn't listen. Daddy can get aggressive when he's drunk, so sometimes it's safer to go along with him when he's like that. We didn't make it to the restaurant. Thankfully Amy had made the excuse that her parents wanted her home and she wasn't with us. The four of us had ended up in hospital with varying injuries, his being the worst.

I came out of the bathroom, ashen faced and tears streaming down my face. "Stop it you two! Every time we come back here this always happens and then it's always the same argument. I don't know why I come back here at all."

I ran up the stairs and closed the door to my old room quietly and threw myself onto my old bed and cried into my pillow. Teagan stirred but thankfully didn't wake.

It was supposed to be perfect in this reality. A wonderful loving family who didn't fight or hurt each other. Why did Daddy have to ruin things with his drinking? Why couldn't things be perfect?

I heard Amy come in. She went over by Teagan's crib and I heard her shut off the baby monitor.

'Oh dear I'm going to be told off for behaving the way I did.' I thought. I felt her sit on the bed beside me and start to gently rub my back.

After a while my tears stopped. I rolled over and pulled her to me and held her tight.

"I'm sorry. I didn't remember that in this reality Daddy still has a drinking problem and that I still react the same to it. It was all supposed to be perfect Amy. Why can't it be perfect?"

"No one in any reality has it perfect, Hon. It's human nature to have problems. If they don't find us we always seem to make them for ourselves. We just don't know how to live without them."

"But I don't want to be afraid of him or get sick when I'm near him. He never hit any of us in this reality, he just had a drinking problem that had caused himself and the rest of us to be hurt."

"He doesn't drink all the time. Your mother and his doctor only allow him one beer a day and he reserves that for whatever game most appeals to him. It's one of his few pleasures in life. He deserves at least that, doesn't he?"

I couldn't argue with Amy's logic. She always managed to gently show me when I was being selfish or in the wrong. I just nodded.

What would I do without her? I didn't want to think about that.

"Come on, you've had your cry, time to go back down and be social again. Oh, you will need to repair your make-up again."

"And soak the pillow case." I said when I noticed the two black marks where my tears and mascara had soaked into it. "I think I'll just wash the make-up off as I seem to be crying it off every few minutes anyway."

I take care of my face, the pillowcase and turned the baby monitor on again before making my way back downstairs. Mum had made a wonderful meal as usual. I wish I could cook as well as she does, but I didn't inherit her culinary skills.

After dinner we all sat around and caught up with the latest news and gossip. Things were tense and the conversation was too forced.

Amy and I had some news, but I was reluctant to bring it up, especially with my father in the room. I caught Amy giving me a look suggesting that I should tell my folks. I gave her a look back that told her I didn't think it was a good idea. It had been a sore point between us, Amy believing it was best to just get it over with and me thinking that letting Mum tell Dad was best.

Thankfully Teagan came to my rescue and let out a cry which we all heard on the baby monitor. I got up and went to see what she needed. It was nothing more than a diaper change and a cuddle. She's such an affectionate baby. Unfortunately she didn't want her bottle so I knew I'd be feeding her in the middle of the night.

With Teagan's immediate needs taken care of I thought I'd let my parents get a better look at her. "Okay, she's awake now so you can all come up and have a visit with her." I hoped they were still paying attention to the baby monitor. A few moments later the three of them entered the room.

"Mum, Dad it is my pleasure to officially introduce you both to Teagan Elizabeth Masters."

Of course both parents made a fuss over our little princess. Who wouldn't? Amy and I do, and we have the pleasure of her company all the time. There were a lot of photos taken of Teagan with Mum, but for some reason she wasn't wanting to be held by Dad and made a fuss whenever he tried to hold her.

Mum took a photo of Amy, Teagan and myself together. I could see Dad in the background frowning. He was civil about my marriage to Amy, but I know he hates that I'm a lesbian. He blames Amy for 'making' me a lesbian. He never listens to me when I tell him I've always preferred girls, even before Amy and I became close.

We tried to get Teagan, Mum and Dad together for a nice photo but she played up whenever she was too near Dad. So the photo with the three of them had her crying and struggling. I guess she just knows what type of person he has the potential to be.

We put Teagan back down again as she seemed to want to sleep some more, and all of us went back downstairs so we wouldn't disturb her as we talked.

Again Amy was giving me the look. I just shook my head no. The one problem with her is that when she gets an idea into her head it's almost impossible to get it out, or get her to change her mind. She was as determined to tell my folks as I was determined not to tell my father.

"Mary, Jim. Sue and I have a little announcement to make."

"Oh, what is it?" asked my Mum looking questioningly at me.

Amy gave me another look and my parents looked at me expectantly. Again I gave Amy a signal that said if she was determined let my parents know, it would be her that had to do the telling.

"Well it would seem Sue's a little shy about telling you both so I'll do the honours. Sue's pregnant with our second child."

"That's wonderful news. I'm so happy for you both." said Mum coming over and hugging us both.

I could tell from the look on Dad's face that he'd taken what Amy had just said and twisted into what he wanted to hear. Unfortunately he was completely wrong, as always.

"Now that you've had sex with a man, does this mean you'll give up your deviant lifestyle?"

"I got pregnant through IVF and a sperm donor. Having sex with a man would be deviant behaviour to me. I have never had sex with a man and I never will! The thought is completely repulsive to me. I'm a lesbian, period, end of statement. It's just like you would feel if you thought about having sex with another man."

"I'm not a faggot!"

"I never said you were, or even implied it. I'm saying that how you feel about the idea of having sex with another man is exactly the way I feel about the idea of having sex with one. It's unnatural and wrong to me. I've never seen a man yet that even remotely induced me to think about having sex with him. Women on the other hand do interest me in that way and always have and always will."

"All you need is to have sex with a man and then you will understand why you are wrong. Why it's right to be heterosexual."

"Stop right there! The day you have sex with another man and show me the video taped proof of it will be the day I consider having sex with one. It might also be the day I consider coming back into this house."

I got up and stormed upstairs, with Amy close behind me. I also heard Mum and Dad start a heated discussion. If Amy hadn't been following me I'd have probably slammed the door and woken Teagan.

"While I applaud your feelings, we have nowhere else to go tonight." she said.

"What about your mother's house?"

"She's away at a health retreat until sometime late tomorrow afternoon and I don't have a key since she lost her keys and changed the locks a few weeks ago. She was going to leave the keys with your Mum, but forgot."

"What about one of the bed and breakfasts? Maybe they have a room for us?"

"They might, but at this time of night it might be difficult to find one willing to take us in."

I looked at the clock. It was late. None of the three B&B's in town would be taking people at this time of night. Two of them would probably refuse us no matter what because we are a lesbian couple.

"We could drive back to Sudbury?"

"That is a four hour drive and we would be getting into town at three in the morning at earliest. I'm too tired to drive that far now and I'm not going to put any of our lives at risk attempting it."

"It's not fair Amy! Why can't Daddy accept me as I am? Why does he always want me to be someone who I'm not or be something I'm not? Can't he sees he causes more harm by his attitudes than good?"

"Some people are just so sure they are right they can't conceive of just how horribly wrong they are. They will never accept that they cause untold pain to others. They believe that they are doing something for a greater good even if it destroys innocent lives and doesn't save a soul." she said.

"All I've ever wanted was to be me, Susan, to be with you the woman I love, and to raise our family in the most loving and supportive way I can. It's my dream, the one that gives me life, gives me the strength to go on when Daddy tries to take everything that matters to me away from me."

I got a sudden chill as what I'd just said suddenly reminded me of a book I'd once read by Ursula K. Le Guin, 'The Lathe of Heaven'. The main character, George Orr, had the ability to alter reality with his dreams. In the end he realizes that the life he's been living since he got his power was just the dreams of a dying man in his last minutes of life. He eventually remembered surviving a nuclear blast, only to be one of the walking dead as the radiation slowly killed him. He realized he was happy in his dream reality with his dream lover and he held onto that until the end.

Am I just Susan lying on the floor of her bedroom bleeding to death, dreaming of a happy life, a happy future? Is this reality what I thought it was? Is it something brought to existence by unhappy ghosts trying to right something that was very wrong? Is this the only life I've ever lived and I dreamt the other reality with Andy and Christopher?

Does it really matter? Despite Daddy, I'm happy with my life with Amy and Teagan. I'm looking forward to giving birth to our second child. I will take this, whatever this is, for as long as it is mine to have. This is the only reality, dream or whatever that matters to me.

I walk over to Amy and hold her tight and look at Teagan sleeping peacefully in her crib.

I said to my wife and daughter, "I love you both more than I can ever tell you. The two of you and the little one are all that matters to me.

"Daddy had better watch himself or I'll dream him out of existence. Better yet, I'll dream him coming out of the closet and wearing dresses for his gay lover." I said this with a smile and a threatening tone, knowing my father could hear what we were saying on the baby monitor I'd left downstairs.

I stopped and thought about what retribution would mean. No! No matter what my father did in any reality, I can't seek retribution. That would be stooping to his level. It wouldn't be me if I did. If there is some force behind all of this, it would make sure that he was suitably punished for all of the things he's done.

Besides if he hadn't killed us, if he had accepted me, I would still be male by birth and incomplete. Maybe this was always meant to be so I could live the life I was really meant to live. Maybe I owe him my thanks instead of my anger.

'Thank you Daddy.' I thought to myself, smiling at the irony of it all.

I didn't have any answers. I just knew I was finally happy with my life.

Happy Halloween!

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A special thanks to those who looked at this a year ago and gave their invaluable advice. It's changed a fair bit since then, so any mistakes are by now definitely my own. - Arwen

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/thatgrrl/
Photo License: Some rights reserved: Attribution
Photo Source: http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4145/5082028526_0e0f78158d_b_...

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