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~* But You Can Choose... *~ Regina leaned closer, nudging her shoulder. “Hey, that’s her loss, remember? I mean, I never thought about the possibility of dating another woman until you told me you thought that was a date, but I have to admit I had a lot of fun, especially after the third glass of wine.” Allison giggled. “I thought it was coffee?” Moira laughed quietly. “Coffee was a few hours before the wine, dear. Like I said, I crashed on her couch, mostly because I was too drunk to find my way to the door.” She paused, giving us a serious stare. “Word of advice, girls, stay away from alcohol. The hangover is not worth it. Friday morning with Regina and the porcelain goddess as my witness I swore off alcohol for life. It’s caused me nothing but pain.”

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Despite the chill in the air and the fresh blanket of snow that had fallen early Saturday morning, the four of us sat together by a roaring fire in Nicole’s parents’ den. Ordinarily when we hung out together it had been at Allison’s, but today was special.

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Jennifer giggled as she held up the little gothed-up Barbie. I had to admit, she did some amazing work. The doll, though it began life as a standard off-the-assembly-line creation now had jet black hair and a near-white skin tone.

More impressive though, her intricately painted makeup and clothing were a perfect miniaturization of our favorite bass player Moira, AKA Shadowfang, of Heedless Despair.

Nicole stared at the doll with fascination; she nodded. “Jen, that’s freakin’ amazing!”

Allison nodded. “It’s cute! And it looks just like her! I bet she’ll love it.”

“Thanks,” she responded as she carefully tucked it away in its original pink box again. Somehow, the combination of Barbie pink container and ultra-goth made me giggle. She added, “I was going to try and make little instruments for them, but that’s just beyond my ability.”

“Them?” I asked with a grin. She giggled.

“Them! This one’s just a prototype, but it turned out so well that when Nikki called and said Moira was going to meet us here, I decided to give the first one to her. Now that I know what I’m doing it’ll be easy!”

Nicole, sprawled out on the overstuffed ivory loveseat next to me, and closest to the fireplace, reached into the bag of mini-marshmallows that lay nestled between us.

I had an arm contentedly wrapped around her waist, and her head, when she wasn’t flinging marshmallows into the air and catching them, rested on my shoulder. She looked up at me and smiled.

“This is nice.”

Allison rolled her eyes. “If you guys want to be alone Jen and I can always come back later.”

Nicole, hovering a marshmallow over her lips, started laughing, instead plinking Allison squarely in the forehead with it. “Hush you,” she chided playfully. “Moira said she’d be here around nine.”

“Did she say how her coffee date with the photographer went?” I asked, suddenly curious. None of us had heard one word from her since Thursday, just that she wanted to talk and hang out this morning. Nicole shrugged.

“I didn’t really ask.” She had a twinge in her tone that suggested she knew something we didn’t, but when I turned to look at her, she smiled and shook her head. She leaned up to kiss my cheek.

“That’s all I can say. Really, if this was anyone else, and anything else, I’d be spilling the whole thing to you guys, but Moira and I … We’re a lot alike.” She shifted her gaze toward Jennifer and Allison, sitting on the floor with their backs to the other loveseat. “A lot alike.”

“It’s okay Nikki. They’re your friends, and I trust them,” Moira’s voice broke the silence that threatened to descend upon us, save for the crackling of the roaring fire.

I looked up to see not the black-haired beauty we’d come to know as Shadow, but an average woman with shoulder-length sandy blonde hair pulled back with a simple green ribbon. Freckles lightly dotted her cheeks.

In her hands she balanced four paper cups from the local coffeehouse. A moment later Regina stepped in behind her, carrying two more cups. Moira smiled as she approached.

“I threatened Nikki under pain of torture to divulge your favorite coffees. Hazelnut for you Jen, French Vanilla for you Ally, and,” she elongated her ‘and’ as she turned to us, offering the other two cups. “Double-mocha for Robin. Here ya go Nikki.”

“Oh, thank you!” I bubbled excitedly as I took the steaming liquid from her. She laughed a little, probably at my enthusiasm. I loved mocha cappuccino, but I rarely drank it because it made me hyper.

Jennifer and Allison moved aside, standing and taking seats in the nearby matched wingback chairs to let Moira and Regina have the loveseat. I couldn’t help noticing as they sat, that their hands brushed briefly, causing Moira to smile.

“Do you wanna tell ‘em? I mean, it’s your past,” Nicole began as she peeled back her coffee lid. She inhaled a deep breath, and from my vantage point next to her I could almost feel the chill running down her spine. I smiled and spontaneously kissed her cheek, causing her to giggle and cuddle closer.

Moira exhaled slowly. She glanced at Regina, who smiled in return, then glanced back at us. “Well as you know, I’ve been avoiding contact with Heedless Despair right now. Call it childish if ya want, but things are complicated right now.”

She paused, slowly sipping her coffee. Her gaze flickered to Regina as she continued, “Regina generously let me crash on her couch the last couple of nights while I unwound.”

I frowned. “Moira… What’s going on?”

She shook her head and chuckled wryly. “I didn’t want them to know where I was. I wasn’t ready to deal with the fallout yet because Kris is still sore about everything, and I knew she’d just take his side, and…” she paused, shaking her head. “No, never mind. I don’t want to drag you lot into my problems.”

Jennifer quickly shook her head. “No way. You’re our friend. If there’s anything we can do to help, then we’ll do it, even if it’s just offering a non-judgmental place to vent.”

She smiled faintly, finally slowly nodding. “Alright, if you’re sure. It all goes back to when I was sixteen. I was a poor kid from a poor family, but I thought I was gonna change the world.” She paused and laughed to herself.

“Anyway I never really felt all that comfortable around boys, but I tried to make it work. That shite ended when a guy I dated for all of two weeks…” she trailed off, clearing her throat.

Regina stretched her arm out to pull Moira into a hug as, in the flickering fire’s light, twin trails of tears glistened, rolling down her cheeks. She shook her head.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I swore off men after that. I swore off women too, don’t get me wrong. Wasn’t until I turned nineteen that I even thought about dating again.”

I set my coffee cup aside and rose, approaching the pair. She slowly looked up at me as if uncertain of what I was doing, but when I bent down to wrap her in a hug, she smiled faintly.

She gave me a soft, chaste kiss on my cheek before letting me go. As I moved to sit again, Nicole wrapped me in a tight hug. She’d sprouted her own fresh salty rivers now, and I pulled her closer in response. Nicole spoke unevenly.

“Like I said, we’re a lot alike.”

Moira smiled weakly. “Robin, when you told me about Nikki having a rough life, I knew what you really meant by it because I’d been there. Kris’ boyfriend was furious that I booked us for your party, but she managed to calm him.” She rolled her eyes. “I really thought she and I had something until he came along.”

Allison, who had been sitting quietly with her legs tucked up under her, broke her silence, but softly. “But … I still don’t understand what this has to do with you not wanting them to find you.”

Jennifer reached over to squeeze Allison’s hand, getting her attention. She turned her gaze to Moira, speaking as softly. “He did something didn’t he?”

Moira’s head snapped forward in a single, sharp nod. She pursed her lips together in a grimace that felt to me at least, equal parts anger and sadness. “He tried some macho line with me about how I could be replaced if I didn’t learn my place. I should have knocked him flat on his arse for it, but if I did, it would've just made it worse.”

She exhaled as she leaned forward, running her hands over her face, and up through her hair, letting the locks fall as they may. “I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get away from him, from THEM for awhile.” Regina finally spoke up.

“A lot of this came out over coffee. I could tell something was seriously bothering her. It’s a photographer thing really; you learn to watch people and, after awhile you pick up on their emotions, their mood. I sometimes even make a game of it.”

She paused, giving a wry smile. “Anyway, I knew something was bugging her, so I invited her out for coffee, my treat.”

Moira’s cheeks began to redden as she leaned back into the sofa again, a stark contrast to Regina's utterly laid-back expression. She slowly wrapped her arms around herself as she stared up at the ceiling.

“And I just needed to be with someone. I haven’t been on a date since I joined Heedless Despair. Well, there was the thing with Kris, but we were so drunk she apparently didn’t remember: or didn’t want to.” She practically spat the last part out.

Regina leaned closer, nudging her shoulder. “Hey, that’s her loss, remember? I mean, I never thought about the possibility of dating another woman until you told me you thought that was a date, but I have to admit I had a lot of fun, especially after the third glass of wine.”

Allison giggled. “I thought it was coffee?”

Moira laughed quietly. “Coffee was a few hours before the wine, dear. Like I said, I crashed on her couch, mostly because I was too drunk to find my way to the door.” She paused, giving us a serious stare.

“Word of advice, girls, stay away from alcohol. The hangover is not worth it. Friday morning with Regina and the porcelain goddess as my witness I swore off alcohol for life. It’s caused me nothing but pain.”

Jennifer smiled thoughtfully. “You know, I think I have something that might cheer you up.”

Moira tilted her head toward the half-Polynesian with a quirky, curious half-smile. “I doubt anything’s going to cheer me up right now, but you’re welcome to try.”

Jennifer chuckled to herself. As she stood she picked up her backpack, stepping closer and kneeling in front of the pair.

“I know you said you’re upset with the others right now, and this probably isn’t the best time to give you this because of that, so I’ll understand if you don’t like it after what you’ve been through,” she reasoned.

Moira rolled her eyes, her half-smile broadening just a little. “Well come on then, out with it. What is it?”

Jennifer gave a gentle tug at the zipper to her backpack, pulling out the doll she had customized, but she carefully held it so that the cardboard back faced the two women. Moira laughed. “A doll? You’re kidding right?”

Jennifer grinned, spinning it around so she could see her mini-duplicate through the plastic display. Moira’s jaw fell open. Her hands quivered as she slowly leaned forward to touch the plastic display.

It almost seemed like she expected it to turn to dust the moment she made contact. Nicole, grinning, gently squeezed my hand as we watched.

“Oh… Oh my God…”

Jennifer giggled as she extended it. “It’s yours, if you want it. It was supposed to be a prototype, but it turned out so well that with you coming into town like this, I decided to give it to you.”

Moira cautiously took the box. Like a wide-eyed child at Christmas, she delicately opened it, retrieving the mini-Shadowfang inside. “I… I don’t know what to say. No one’s ever given me anything like this.”

She leaned forward to practically envelop Jennifer in a tight hug, sobbing as she whispered, “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

I never really thought about it before that moment, but I could really empathize with her. She said she grew up poor, which probably meant her parents had little money for things like dolls, and now that she was a rich rock star she might’ve felt silly buying something like that for herself.

I had spent the first fifteen years of my life even admitting I was really a girl, and was too afraid to ask my sister if she had any old dolls. I felt moist tracks of tears rushing down my cheeks as I nuzzled closer to Nicole, watching the touching scene.

Moira hugged the little doll close to her for a moment before gently returning it to its box. “Did you do this yourself though? This is amazing. You should consider doing costume design professionally.”

Jennifer giggled as she nodded, standing to return to her seat. “Yeah. Working on our Shadowcraft costumes sort of gave me the idea.” She added as she relaxed with one leg beneath her, “I wanted to do several of the whole band eventually as sort of a pet project.”

“I’ll pay you for one of each of the others when you get them finished,” she answered almost immediately. “And before you say anything, yes I insist. Jennifer this is adorable. She looks just like me. Well, the stage me.”

Regina giggled. “The real you is just as adorable y’know,” she teased, causing Moira’s cheeks to shift into the red spectrum again.

Regina reached down to give Moira’s free hand a light squeeze and smiled. “I had a lot of fun the other night. I was kind of hoping we might do that again some time. You’re even welcome to crash on my couch again.”

Moira’s blush deepened. Nicole and I just grinned at each other, causing Moira to laugh. “What are you two grinning at?”

Allison practically cackled. “I think they’ve seen that look before, right guys?”

We just giggled and exchanged a cheek-nuzzle.

“Oh, hey, I need to get going again, but only for a little while. Jane asked me to meet her for lunch to discuss some things, and since Regina’s driving-” she began, Regina picking up where she left off.

“It’ll be kind of like a second date, since Jane said she wants to meet with Robin’s sister too.”

“What she said,” Moira added with a nervous smile. “Will you girls still be here later though?”

We all glanced at each other and Nicole grinned. “Robin has somewhere to be this afternoon, but if you want to get together again this evening and hang out I’m sure we can work something out.”

Moira turned to Regina, who immediately nodded, answering for her in a cheerful tone. “We’ll be here!”

We waited until we could no longer hear Moira’s boot heels clacking along before any of us spoke up, Allison asking the obvious. “So um, what do you think she’s meeting with Jane about?”

All eyes turned on me. I shook my head slowly. “Don’t look at me. I had a really, really long talk with Aunt Jane last night, mostly catching her up on everything that’s been happening lately with Andrea and Trent and …” I paused and giggled, “And apologized for forgetting that she already met Nikki.”

Nicole laughed as she gave my hand a squeeze. “You’re forgiven. You were under a lot of stress last week, and with that rude photographer on top of it.”

I nodded a little. “Yeah, and Elaine wasn’t at school again. I’m starting to worry about her.”

Jennifer smiled. “I knew you would, so I took the liberty of looking into it. Her mom said Elaine passed out, and when she came to they had a long talk. Her mom enrolled her in some kind of intensive counseling thing.”

I frowned as I looked up from my mostly empty coffee cup. “So she’s…”

She nodded. “Yeah. Anorexia nervosa. Pretty bad too, but the important thing is she’s getting help with it now. I always knew there was something off about her, but I never dreamed she could be anorexic.”

After a pause she glanced at me. “Apparently, someone sent an anonymous e-mail to her encouraging her not to be afraid to ask for help, that it could save her life and make her feel better physically and emotionally. Robin, you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”

“What, me?” I asked innocently. Nicole gave my side a light, playful goose which caused me to squeal. “Hey!” I laughed. She smiled and pulled me into a tight hug.

“Just don’t let it overwhelm you, okay?” she added. “I love that you’re able to help people. It makes me wanna help people too, but I don’t want you to burn out either.”

Smiling, I nodded, kissing the tip of her nose. “I promise I won’t let it take over. Most of the time they just need someone to listen and reassure them, y’know? Mostly it’s just about pointing them in the right direction.”

~oOo~

For as long as I’d been on a hormone replacement regimen, I’d been having blood drawn weekly in order to ensure that my body was handling the sudden changes without adverse problems.

Now, some five months later, I had finally been told I no longer needed to have blood tests weekly. I understood their caution, as adolescent transition really isn’t that common, but I was glad to be rid of the weekly torture sessions nonetheless!

Nicole took me out for ice cream to celebrate, and afterwards we returned to Alpine Springs. We stopped by my house long enough to talk to Mom and tell her the good news and pick up Allison, heading back to Nicole’s by way of Jennifer’s house.

I had hoped Jane would’ve been there so I could ask her what she had met with Moira about for lunch.

It seemed I hadn’t missed my chance yet, as when we drove past the front gate and up the snow-free driveway at Morgan Manor as I’d playfully begun referring to it lately, her rental white Lexus sat parked in front, behind a small turquoise-colored Cavalier.

“That’s gotta be Regina’s car,” Nicole giggled. “It just looks like a college student car. You guys go on inside. I need to put my baby in the garage.”

Nicole grabbed my hand, and when I turned back she grinned, stealing a kiss. I giggled as I squeezed her hand before stepping out. Allison and Jennifer both grinned at me.

“Seriously, you guys are ADORABLE together,” Allison said, barely able to contain a giggle herself.

I had to laugh. I wrapped an arm around Jennifer and Allison’s waists as we approached the front door. “Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied in a sing-song tone as Jennifer opened the door for us to step inside. We waited in the foyer for Nicole to join us, my hand almost magnetically gravitating to hers as we walked together into the den.

An extra chair had been added since this morning, where Jane now sat chatting with Moira, Regina, and Bob and Gina, though whatever it is they were discussing, they immediately stopped when we entered the room.

Jane smiled as she stood and approached us. “Ah, there you are,” she spoke with a lilt in her voice and smiled, wrapping me in a hug.

“Hi Aunt Jane,” I replied, returning her hug in-kind. “Is everything okay?”

“Fantastic, dear. Come, have a seat. Moira and I have something important to tell you.”

As we approached, the Morgans stood, Gina adding. “Here, Nikki, Robin, make yourselves comfortable here.”

“Thank you,” I replied warmly at the offered loveseat. As we sat, Moira rose and glanced back at Regina, who offered her a reassuring smile.

“Right! Well, as you guys know, Heedless Despair is officially off tour for now.”

Regina stifled a giggle. “You should see MTV. They’re going bonkers trying to find out what happened to Shadow.”

Moira smirked. “Let ‘em look. They can cool their heels for a few more days. Anyway, I told you about my plans for finding a place to live falling through, but Jane and I have been discussing something that would be mutually beneficial.” She paused, glancing at Jane, as did the rest of us.

“I’ll just come right out and say it. I’ve decided to move my design headquarters from London to New Haven, and,” she elongated the ‘and’, pausing for dramatic effect. “I’ve asked Moira if she’d like to be my roommate while she sorts everything out.”

Moira grinned as she nodded. “The thing is the only time the band ever needs me is either for recording gigs or when we’re on tour. I’m the youngest member of HD, and despite our stage presence, backstage things have been getting pretty frigid lately. I want to make sure I have something to fall back on if something does happen.”

“That makes sense,” I replied as I stood to hug her. “I’m glad we’ll be able to see a lot more of you too.”

She smiled at the hug and nodded. “Me too. It’s silly but in a way I feel closer to you guys than I do my own band lately. Lucia, AKA Solace, and I are pretty close, but she stays out of band drama entirely.” She paused and laughed. “She’s the smart one.”

As if on cue, Nicole’s cell phone rang, causing her to squeal and jump. She swatted me playfully at the giggle I let escape, as she retrieved the offending appliance. She frowned at the caller ID. “Looks like it’s a European number. Should I answer it?”

Moira’s expression darkened. She finally exhaled and nodded. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ve been dreading this moment though.”

“Hello? Who? Oh, hi Rose. You … He what? You’re kidding? You did?” She started laughing. “You go girl! Yeah, she’s right here. Do you want to tell her or should I? Okay hang on a sec,” she quickly held out the sleek little phone to Moira. The bassist hesitantly accepted it.

“Yes?” she spoke softly, turning to step out of the room. Nicole grinned as we all expectantly stared at her, but she shook her head.

“Well?” Jennifer asked. Nicole just grinned. I reached over to give her sides a playful goose, but she caught my hand, dragging it up and kissing my palm lightly.

“Kris fired her ex-boyfriend,” she spoke calmly, belying the news. She started giggling. “He started on some rant about how Shadow should be cut from their contract, and she hauled off and decked him!”

“Oh my God, are you serious?” Allison asked, echoing my own thoughts. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

She nodded. “I’m sure there’s more to the story than that, but the short version is, he’s got a broken nose, and he’s threatening to press charges, but without the kind of financial backing three – possibly four rock stars can put behind one of their members, the best he’ll come out of it with is a mutual restraining order.”

Regina frowned as she glanced toward the hall. “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

Jane shook her head. “If my step-daughter has taught me anything, it’s that you can never judge a book by its cover. I have a feeling that Moira’s not simply going to change her mind because of this.”

She smiled faintly at that. “Your step-daughter?”

Jane nodded, motioning to me. “Although she calls me ‘Aunt’ out of respect to her real mother. It’s a long story.”

Jane paused long enough to give Regina a wry smile. “I had some … misguided beliefs about her before I actually met her for the first time. Likewise for Moira, I had a lot of misconceptions about musicians before we spent a cross-Atlantic flight together.”

Moira stepped back into the room. She moved around behind the loveseat where Regina sat and bent down to wrap her in a hug. “I could hear everything you guys were saying, you know,” she offered softly and smiled, planting a kiss on Regina’s cheek. The photographer blushed.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that with things looking better for you, you probably would feel more comfortable returning to your old life. I’m just a photographer trying to muddle through everyday life the best way I can. You’re freaking Shadowfang.”

Moira laughed as she shook her head. “No, Shadowfang is the character I portray. I’m Moira Denise Cameron, just some twenty-something who caught a lucky break hooking up with three great musicians who had a crazy idea for a new band. Reg, I like you, and I want to see if there’s something more between us, or if there could be.”

Regina sat silently for several seconds. She seemed lost in thought, but finally she tilted her head to look Moira in the face.

“No one’s ever said that to me before. I’ve always been background noise. Are you sure that’s really what you want? I mean we only just met. Flirting is one thing, but…” she trailed off, suddenly seeming uneasy.

Before she could continue, Nicole spoke up. “I knew from the second I laid eyes on Robin that I wanted to be with her. I wanted to kiss her and hold her, and I wanted to be her best friend.”

Nicole smiled brightly. “You can’t explain love. It just happens, like lightning.”

Regina stared at us as I rested my head on Nicole’s shoulder, adding. “She’s right. I didn’t realize she felt the same way, but the moment I saw her, I felt something I’d never experienced before. I know we’re only teenagers, but I still love her.”

I could see a little trickle of a tear roll down Regina’s cheek as she looked back at Moira. Finally, she nodded, smiling. “Okay,” she whispered, leaning up to kiss Moira’s cheek lightly. “I can’t argue with that.”

Moira laughed, giving Regina a playful, if very light nuzzle. “Yeah, I know. Seeing those two together made me realize just how lonely I really was.”

Nicole and I looked at each other, giggling as we answered in unison, “Sorry?”

Both women laughed.

Thanksgiving was fast approaching, and we had another Girl Scout meeting coming up Sunday to discuss the big ski trip, but I happily put those thoughts out of my mind for now.

As Moira stepped around and sat beside Regina again, I could see a new warmth in both their faces. I could only hope things worked out for them as they had for us.

---

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