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~* Sewing Seeds *~ Allison laughed as she nodded, “She defeated me with logic. She and Jen hang out before and after Kenpo, and she’s dating Nikki, so she reasoned that basketball would be great for us to have some time together too. Plus I’ve been thinking about going out for some kind of sport. I think it’d be fun.” “Not to mention having two people in the locker room to make sure nobody says anything about me changing separately,” I offered with a smile. “Not like I’d look or even care really, but until I have my surgery I don’t feel comfortable changing in front of other girls, so it’s better this way.” I sighed softly, only realizing afterwards that I had just admitted for the first time that yes, I did want to have surgery done. Kelly gave me a surprised look, reaching over to squeeze my hand. “Does your mom know you want to have it done?”

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“Hi baby,” Mom’s loving tone as we entered her hospital room put me immediately at ease. Up until now I had managed not to cry, but seeing her in a hospital bed with all those monitors hooked up to her again was just too much to bear. I sprinted across the room, not even taking notice that this was both a semi-private room or that the other woman in the next bed quietly watched the spectacle.

I threw my arms around her and buried myself in her shoulder, sobbing, “Mom I was so worried!” I cried softly. “I just knew something bad happened to you again. Are you okay?”

She smiled as she hugged me tightly to her, kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay sweetheart, I’m okay now. My blood pressure was too low so they’ve given me some medication intravenously. I have to stay off my feet until tomorrow, but they’re keeping me overnight while they wait to see what caused the sudden drop anyway.”

I looked up at her, smiling meekly as Nicole, Allison and Jennifer stepped closer. She smiled softly at them, “You all came too?” She glanced at Carol, who offered a sheepish smile.

“I took the girls out for pizza to celebrate. We’d just finished up when Kelly called.”

Jennifer added, “Robin tried to tell us we didn’t have to come, but,”

Allison moved to the other side of the bed to hug Mom, continuing Jennifer’s thought even as Nicole stopped next to me, “We’re her friends, and you’re her mom. Wild dogs couldn’t keep us away.” She grinned.

Tears slowly rolled down Mom’s cheeks. “You girls…”

The other woman, about mid-thirties and a honey blonde with dark roots, smiled warmly as she finally broke her silence. “You have an amazing daughter, if you don’t mind my saying. I wish my son could find a girl like her to straighten him out.”

I turned back, blushing a little as I smiled, “Thank you. I’m seeing someone, but that still means a lot to me.”

Nicole glanced over, doing a double-take. She chewed the inside of her lip for a long moment. “Mrs. Beaumont? What… are you doing here?”

Mrs. Beaumont?! Oh crap.

She smiled weakly, “Hello Nicole. … I’m sorry for the trouble Jason caused you and your friends Friday,” she responded, dodging the question rather artfully. “I promise he’s had a very stern talking to. He’s supposed to be in in-school suspension, but he’s going to live with his father awhile since I’m stuck in here after today.”

For my part, I just stared awkwardly, glancing between the two mothers and wondering if I should tell her my name. I resolved to let it rest for now. Both women obviously needed to rest, and my speaking up could only agitate their respective conditions. Instead, I leaned over to give my mother a soft kiss on her cheek, squeezing her tightly.

“I love you Momma. We’re going to head back to Ally’s and work on our homework so you and Mrs. Beaumont can get some rest without us getting in the doctors’ way.” I tried to sound more grown-up than I felt at that moment. The truth was I wanted to curl up in the corner and cry like a little girl.

She smiled softly at me as she squeezed my hand, “Alright sweetheart. Try not to worry about me too much, alright? I’m really okay. I laid down earlier, feeling light-headed, but I couldn’t have been out more than half an hour before Margie found me, so I should be just fine.”

“Yeah, but you know what they say. Doctors make the worst patients,” I teased. True, she was just a nurse, but I didn’t want her thinking she was better than she might actually be. Or perhaps I just worried too much.

She stifled a small giggle and smiled as we turned to leave. I hesitated, walking over to Mrs. Beaumont’s bed. I had absolutely no idea what I was thinking at this point. She just seemed so weak and helpless, and not knowing the nature of her condition, I couldn’t know how long she’d been in here, or even if my getting Jason in trouble led to her being here. She watched me curiously as I stood there silent, finally leaning forward and wrapping her in a warm hug. “I hope you feel better soon. And… I’m sorry about your son.”

She smiled gently as she returned the hug. I thought I saw a stray tear as I turned to leave, and Carol seemed to notice it as well. As we neared the elevator she wrapped her arm around me. “You are an absolutely amazing young woman, Robin,” she spoke softly. I blushed a little as I looked up at her.

“I just felt guilty. Her son’s an ass, and she’s stuck here in the hospital, possibly because of him picking a fight with me, for all I know. I can’t blame her for Jason’s actions.”

Nicole laid her head on my shoulder and gave a whimsical sigh, “Seriously, you’re way more forgiving than I’d have been. She’s not exactly mother of the year material. Still, maybe seeing who Jason attacked, once she figures it out anyway, she’ll wise up and get some help for both of ‘em.”

Though we offered for Jennifer and Nicole to stay over after we slew the mighty homework monster, Jennifer’s grandfather was flying in for a brief visit soon so she had to help prepare for that, on top of Josh’s belt test that night. Nicole wanted to stay, but her mother reminded her that she had school the next day, so it ended just being Allison and me.

We decided to make it fun though. Autumn’s breezy, chill nights hadn’t quite made their presence felt yet, but the August heat had given way to September’s sweet embrace, making for an excellent camping excursion. We just needed our guest of honor!

As we stood in the kitchen taking stock of our gear, Kelly came through. She had only just gotten home from work, still wearing a lab coat over her scrubs. She glanced at our gear, then back at us, and grinned.

“Want to come with us?” Allison offered.

I added quickly, just as we’d rehearsed,“Yeah, Ally told me you guys used to go camping all the time. We’re going to hike down to the stream and camp there tonight. You’re more than welcome.”

“I don’t know,” Kelly started to protest.

“We’d feel safer with you there!” Allison pleaded.

Kelly chuckled to herself, relenting. “Oh, alright.” Of course, she knew we felt completely safe on our own, but neither Allison nor I had spent any great amount of bonding time with her, where I’d spent the entire summer with my big sister Margie. “Let me just get out of these things and into something more comfortable. Would one of you be a dear and get my sleeping bag?”

Allison grinned impishly, “Already got it.”

Kelly laughed, “Ohh, you’re so devious. I should’ve known this was a setup!”

“Of course. I am YOUR sister after all,” Allison winked playfully. I couldn’t help giggling at the sisterly exchange. Margie and I had shared many such moments since becoming Robin. I found myself thinking fondly on the many years’ worth of such moments I’d have not just with Margie, but with Kelly now too thanks to my friendship with Allison.

After about five minutes Kelly returned to us dressed as I’d never seen her before. She wore a pair of heavy jeans and faded hiking boots, with a white T-shirt under a loose, heavy flannel shirt. The matching red ribbon holding her ponytail up added a much needed, in my opinion, touch of girliness to the ensemble. She approached and wrapped us both in a hug.

“Thanks girls. You don’t know how much I need this.”

“Of course we do,” I offered, leaning into her hug. “You and Ally don’t get to spend enough time together, but she wouldn’t agree to this unless I came too.” I grinned. She shot Allison a soft smile, kissing her sister’s forehead before we gathered our things and set out toward the old nature trail.

“You realize,” she commented, as we passed a fallen, dead tree that had still been standing the last time we came here not a few weeks prior, “that we’re going to have to be up early to get you two back home so you can get ready for school tomorrow.”

“My new phone has an alarm function,” I responded cheerfully.

“Ooh, I didn’t think of that,” Allison chimed with a giggle. “Nikki’s right. You really do think of everything.”

“Well, not everything,” I reasoned, “But what I don’t think of, someone else always seems to.”

We arrived at the stream and began setting up camp. While Kelly worked on putting up the three person dome tent, Allison took stock of the surroundings, making sure no new snakes had taken up residence since our last visit. I, on the other hand, went searching for firewood and tinder. By the time I returned, our campsite had been set up, a ring of river stones and a small pit at the center just waiting for me to bring the wood.

“Oh, no; I forgot matches!” Allison frumped as I began setting the wood in place. Kelly laughed, “I thought you two were supposed to be girl scouts? Can’t you rub two sticks together?”

“Or I could shoot one of our emergency flares into the kindling,” I joked, then added, “Actually I’ve got it covered. I burned myself enough learning to start a fire at camp.”

Kelly reached into her pocket, producing a fresh book of matches, “Or you can use these?” She knelt, offering them to me with a sly grin, causing Allison and I to both laugh.

“See what I mean? Someone always remembers something.” I accepted the matches, breaking one off from its book and striking it. After a few seconds the dry tinder I’d collected flared to life. Before long we had a roaring fire over which to cook the can of pork and beans we so studiously absconded with from the Jones’ pantry.

As the sun slowly began its descent beyond the horizon I unfurled my sleeping bag, doubling it over and using it to sit by the fire. Kelly had washed some branches in the river, which Allison sharpened with her multi-tool, further sterilizing by blackening them in the fire, so we could roast marshmallows.

“How are you holding up?” Kelly finally broke the serene silence that had settled over our campsite. A frog perched on a nearby rock and began singing.

“I’m okay,” I offered honestly. “It was so hard seeing Mom in that bed like that… So many bad memories, but I can’t help kind of feeling bad for her roommate too. Do you know what’s wrong with her?”

Kelly tilted her head in thought, “I can’t say I do. I don’t have access to hospital charts anymore. She didn’t say anything about it?”

Allison piped up, despite the mouthful of gooey roasted marshmallow. I had to giggle a little. “Nikki asked, but she completely dodged the question. She apologized on Jason’s behalf at least.”

“Wait, what?” Allison managed to get her sister’s undivided attention. She swallowed her molten foodstuff, then continued.

“It’s Mrs. Beaumont, Jason Beaumont’s mom.”

“Seriously? That’s a messed up coincidence.”

“I know right? At least Jason’s not going to be around for awhile. She’s sending him off to stay with his dad while she’s stuck in the hospital, so Robin’s got a reprieve.”

“That’s a relief. Maybe some time away will let the little idiot cool his heels. So how’s school going?”

I grinned cheerfully, “I talked Ally into trying out for basketball with me, and the school board says I can play too!”

“That’s great! I knew they couldn’t hold you back once they actually evaluated how stupid they were being!” She paused, glancing at Allison. “Wait, did she just say you’re trying out too?”

Allison laughed as she nodded, “She defeated me with logic. She and Jen hang out before and after Kenpo, and she’s dating Nikki, so she reasoned that basketball would be great for us to have some time together too. Plus I’ve been thinking about going out for some kind of sport. I think it’d be fun.”

“Not to mention having two people in the locker room to make sure nobody says anything about me changing separately,” I offered with a smile. “Not like I’d look or even care really, but until I have my surgery I don’t feel comfortable changing in front of other girls, so it’s better this way.” I sighed softly, only realizing afterwards that I had just admitted for the first time that yes, I did want to have surgery done.

Kelly gave me a surprised look, reaching over to squeeze my hand. “Does your mom know you want to have it done?”

I shook my head. “No. Nobody does. I’ve been thinking about it for the last couple of weeks though, trying to remember the exact point where I went from being terrified of the idea to… just wanting to get it over with and behind me. The school board meeting, with everyone talking about it, didn’t help things.”

Allison stayed quiet, letting Kelly field this topic on her own as she poked another pillowy sugar-snack into the roaring flames. Kelly stood and walked the short couple of steps between us. She sat down again and wrapped me in a tight hug. I leaned my head on her shoulder, breathing a stuttered sigh. She glanced down at me with a frown. “Robin, it’s okay, really. I waited until I was eighteen to have it done, but I wanted it long before that, so I understand where you’re coming from.”

Allison quietly stood and walked around to the other side, embracing me from there as she offered me her freshly-roasted marshmallow. I smiled wryly as I broke off a piece to chew, letting her keep the rest. “I can’t offer any advice on this, but I just want you to know I’ll support you completely.”

I smiled as I let go of Kelly to hug Allison. “Thanks, Ally. I know you’ve got my back. I’m just… I want to get it done, but there’s so much that could go wrong that I’m so scared.”

Kelly responded this time as she poked the fire, stirring a few stray embers that threatened to fly loose in the light evening breeze. “There are never any guarantees in life, except one. You have to choose which set of regrets you want to live with. Do you want to regret knowing that you’ll never be able to go back to being male again physically, or do you want to regret never becoming wholly female?”

I wrinkled my nose. “How is that first one a regret?”

Kelly giggled a little, offering softly as she hugged me again, “Then it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. You have to understand though, that not only is this a serious medical procedure, it takes weeks to recover even if things go perfectly. You’re looking at least two months, maybe more depending on the surgical technique used.”

“I guess that rules out becoming a girl for Christmas,” I tried to joke, but the truth was I felt pretty down.

Kelly nodded, “Well, you’re already a girl. You always have been, but yes, I’m sorry to say one week off from school’s not even scratching the surface of enough time. Is there any reason you have to have it done before you’re eighteen, though?”

I shook my head. “Not really. It’s not like Nikki and I want to … y’know…” I blushed intensely. Allison did too, though Kelly just smiled an understanding sort of smile as she nodded. “Summer’s the only other option, and I’d have to do it after Girl Scout camp, and I wouldn’t be able to go for more than one session and still get into cheer camp, and have time to recover in-between.”

“Ouch; I definitely wouldn’t advice cheer camp unless it’s just before school starts back. Speaking from experience, you’re going to be VERY sore if you try and do anything too strenuous, too soon.”

“I guess that makes sense. I’ll just have to continue being careful. Coach Wilson told me she and Coach Greer were working on a way for me to change privately at Away games when I make the team, so it’s not like even that’s a big part of the decision.”

“Just remember, your plumbing’s a little different, but it’s like we keep telling you, it’s what’s between your ears that counts.”

I smiled at that. She was right. They were both right. It’s not like having surgery would magically change who I was. People had been mistaking me for a girl even before I started taking hormones and presenting as my true self.

We stayed up and talked for another hour and a half before finally calling it a night and crawled into the tent after putting out our campfire. Kelly threw her sleeping bag in on the right, leaving Allison and I sleeping facing each other due to our both being different forms of side-sleepers. It felt kind of awkward at first, until she leaned over and hugged me goodnight. Somehow that made it all better.

The next morning, we woke just before sunrise, breaking down our camp and beginning the hike back. I couldn’t help feeling a lot better this morning, knowing my best friend and her awesome, supportive sister knew what had been on my mind for quite awhile now, and more importantly, some resolution. I’d still have to talk to Doctor Ketz about it next time I saw her, though.

Nicole met us as we approached the Jones’ back yard, dressed as beautifully as she had the previous day, wearing a body stocking under a sleeveless black knee-length A-line dress and heavy black stiletto boots. She started sprinting, no small feat in those shoes, and wrapped me in a hug the moment we met.

“You nut. You should’ve told me you were going camping. I would’ve waited to come over a bit later!” She laughed, causing me to giggle. “It was sort of impromptu, but a lot of fun. I need a shower so bad though.”

“Mind if I walk you home then? Mom dropped me off so I could check on you before school, so I’m just going to catch a ride with you guys anyway.”

“Sure. You can help me pick out something to wear,” I offered in return. I hugged Kelly and Allison and thanked them for last night’s talk, eliciting a funny glance from Nicole. As we stepped into my house, she finally asked.

“So what’d you guys talk about last night?”

I blushed a little. I didn’t want to keep it a secret from her, but it was a topic I didn’t exactly feel comfortable admitting to her for not wanting to make her feel uneasy. “It’s … Well,” I started, as I moved up the stairs, “It’s about my condition. I talked to Kelly last night about having surgery.”

Nicole giggled, “Already? Wow. That’s awesome.”

“Well, not exactly. She said recovery could take weeks, so I probably have to put it off until I’m eighteen. I so want to get it done now though, but I can’t miss school because of it, and if I have it done over Christmas break, I’d have to miss like the first month of school recovering. Plus I’d have to avoid any strenuous activity for awhile, so that also means no Girl Scouts, no cheer camps-“

“No fun,” Nicole quipped, squeezing my hand.

She stepped up and slipped her arms around me from behind, kissing the exposed, sweat-glistened nape of my neck. She spoke softly as she nuzzled my shoulder, “I wish I could do something…”

I smiled as I turned around to hug her. The genuinely sad expression in her eyes told me without question how genuinely badly she felt. “It’s okay. It means a lot to me that you feel that way though. It’s just been hard for me sometimes, knowing I’m not really a girl physically. I want to just get it done so I can be your girlfriend for real.”

She blinked, her expression shifting from sadness to utter confusion. After a moment with her flawless plum lips parted and no sound escaping, she shook her head, speaking defiantly. “Robin, you ARE my girlfriend. I don’t care that you have the wrong parts. I mean, it’s not like I’m ready for that kind of relationship with anyone, anyway. I love you so much, but I just… I can’t yet Maybe when we’re older….” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she buried herself in my shoulder. I held her tightly close.

“Nikki, Nikki! It’s okay! I didn’t mean it like that.” I kissed her cheek and held her tightly. I knew exactly what she meant by that. “I feel the same way. It’s like our parents said – we’re only fifteen. I’m definitely not ready for a serious relationship yet, let alone something ‘more’. I’m happy with where we are now, and I know you are as well. I only wish I could go back and stop what happened to you. That’s the ONLY thing I’d change.”

She smiled a little at that, sniffling as she dabbed at her tear ducts with the tip of her finger. “Robin, I love you so much. Thank you,” she whispered, kissing me squarely on the tip of my nose. I had to laugh at that. I grabbed her hand, dragging her over to help me pick out what I should wear today.

“Seriously? You think I should wear this?” I asked surprised, as I held up the red spaghetti strap top with the pink T-shirt combination I fell in love with over the summer.

Nicole giggled, belying the emotional weight of our conversation moments ago. I think both of us just needed an emotional release, but if we stayed on that topic much longer we’d all be late for school. “Yes! I love you in that! It looks so cute on you.”

“It doesn’t look too girly does it?”

“Robin, you’re not just a girl. You’re a girly-girl. You might as well look girly. But no, it doesn’t look too girly on you. Consider who’s saying that now.” She grinned. I laughed.

“Fair enough. Now, on to jeans…”

She followed me out of my bedroom, but stopped outside the bathroom, giving me an impish smile as I turned back to her. She leaned forward for a quick hug, giggling. “Sorry. I’m just messing with you. Go get your shower while I see if Margie’s heard anything about your mom, ‘kay?”

She turned and bounded back down the hall, only slowing down as she hit the stairs, while I meanwhile turned to step into the bathroom to take my shower. I knew I wouldn’t have time for a forty-five minute shower, so I settled on washing my hair and doing my thinking while it dried instead.

After wrapping my hair in a towel and getting dressed, I stepped back into my bedroom to work on my makeup. A colorful page caught my attention, and I suddenly realized I’d forgotten to hide my comic book stash. I reached over to grab both issues that had been left out, pausing to stare at the top one. It was the first issue of “Aria and Raven Wing” that I’d bought, and largely because on the front cover, the villainous Raven Wing had been featured prominently. I found it intriguing that she bore such a striking resemblance to Nicole that I started reading, and had now purchased almost every issue I could find in used book stores over the summer.

The popular interpretation was that Aria Blade, a blonde-haired heroine with sonic abilities and Raven Wing, a powerful sorceress who, after an abusive childhood turned to dark magic to sew her vengeance on the world, were actually star-crossed lovers. It’s true Raven flirted with Aria during some of their epic battles, and some off-scenes showed Aria admitting she was terrified of the notion that RW ‘must be planning something sinister’ by all the playful banter. Maybe she was just trying to get her attention? The next issue came out a few days ago, but I’d still have to see if I could afford it, or wait until the price came down a little before I could find out more.

For now, I carefully slid the graphic masterpieces into my vanity’s bottom drawer, covering them with a notebook. It wasn’t so much shame of reading comic books, as much as that in my mind it was kind of a boyish thing. No sooner had I sat up again, than Nicole’s reflection appeared in my vanity mirror. She placed her hands on my shoulders. Before I knew what was happening, she’d worked her way down my shoulders, her fingers moving in light, gentle circles and causing my tension to completely melt away. I paused in my makeup-application, tilting my head back and closing my eyes. “God I needed that.”

“You’re really tense. It’s not because of what we talked about is it?”

“Not at all. I was actually a lot worse after the school board meeting, and then having to go to the hospital,” I paused, smiling a little, “But camping helped a lot.” Of course, nearly getting caught, regardless how cute the gothic dark sorceress on the cover was, didn’t help!

“Oh hey, Margie says your mom can come home today. They’re still not quite sure why her BP bottomed out so they’re going to bring her back in for some more tests this afternoon, but she responded so well to the meds that they’re going to go ahead and let her come back home for now so she can rest in a more comfortable environment, or something.”

“That’s great!” I exclaimed as I opened a new tube of lip gloss, applying a light coat. The shade and color were darker than I normally used, but I wanted to try and see how the darker shade worked with my complexion and outfit. I smacked my lips and stood, turning to give Nicole a playful pucker

She giggled. “Don’t tempt me.” She grinned, giving me a squeeze. It was her way of letting me know she still didn’t feel comfortable after her earlier outburst, and I immediately hugged her back.

“It’s okay, Nikki. Really. You never, ever have to do anything with me you feel uneasy about, especially after how fast our relationship kind of took off. I’m not going to leave you.”

She smiled broadly at that, “And I’m not going anywhere either. I just need time. This is so complicated. With Jason I knew where I stood, and that was very much in the ‘Ain’t gonna happen boyo!’ territory. With you, I…” Her alabaster skin turned a few shades redder, causing me to giggle despite trying not to.

I kissed her cheek. “I know. Come on, let’s go get some breakfast.”

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