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Chapter 13: Dilemmas
 
 
By the ninth month of her real life test Annette knew she had problems. Actually it was problems that were there almost from the beginning but she did not want to see them because it would ruin something special in her life.

The first problem was John. It was increasingly obvious that he was interested in her as more than just a friend. That it took this long for her to really admit it to herself meant that she was probably more emotionally involved with him than she wanted to acknowledge.

The second problem John pointed out to her a week or so back. She, John and Helen had been out for the evening having a quiet celebration that he would be going on the archaeological survey with his professor. There was a tension between John and Helen that had been growing slowly but steadily for a month or so.

They had just dropped Helen off at home a few minutes before. He was quite moody and silent which was unusual for him. All of a sudden he broke his silence.

"She's in love with you, you know."

"What?"

"Helen, you can see it in the way she looks at you.

"I bet you she's on her bed right now, thinking about you as she's pleasuring herself."

"First I don't believe she's in love with me for a second. Secondly, what she does in the privacy of her own bedroom is not something we should be discussing or even speculating about. Ever!"

Unfortunately she had been slowly coming to the same conclusion about Helen, albeit in her subconscious. John, by bringing it up, made her consciously aware of the problem.

There had been lots of little signs in both John and Helen that they wanted more out of their friendship with her. The biggest clue is that they had both become quite catty about the other because of their jealousy. They looked for every opportunity to subtly put the other down. This behaviour had been increasing steadily in recent weeks.

Tonight's little celebration for John had been anything but. Both of them just glared at each other when they even bothered to look at the other. Annette had to carry two separate conversations all evening. She could not get them to engage in conversation.

She hated that her two best friends, the two people she loved most in the world were fighting, and worst of all they were fighting over her. So far it was only slightly nasty barbs launched at each other, but soon it would escalate into something more. She was not ready to confront her own feelings beyond friendship for her two friends, so she opted to just keep them apart and not talk about the other depending on who she was with.

Her next dilemma came a few weeks later. Her psychiatrist had basically cleared her for surgery at the completion of her real life test. Given her previous attempts at killing herself the surgery would be paid for by the government as part of her treatment for that.

She looked into surgery dates with the best approved surgeon available and the date that worked best for her was just a week and a half after John left for his survey in South America. She knew she could not tell him or he would insist on being there with her and delay or cancel his trip. That was not something she wanted to happen as it would affect his career. However she knew she had to have the surgery as soon as she possibly could and did not want to delay it until after his return. Delay just was not an option in her mind. So she booked her surgery date and did not tell her friends. Her reason for not telling her was because she did not want Helen using her surgery as a potential weapon against John any some way.

She was so excited about getting her surgery date and she really wished she could share her wonderful news with her two best friends. It really saddened her to think that they were both rivals for her affections. She loved them both and wished they could all just be friends. Yet her own feelings for each of them confused her. They were both more than friends to her, she knew that, but she was not ready to fully confront her own feelings.

"Why don't you come with me? There is still time to book you onto my flight and we could be together for the whole three months. It would be like a vacation for you."

"John there is no way I can go for three or four months. I wouldn't have a job when I got back." She almost let it slip that she would already be missing four to six weeks. Again her guilt at keeping her surgery a secret from him stabbed at her.

"You could always find another one."

"That's not the point John. I love my job. I love helping people. I love working with the customers and I get along with everyone I work with. If I go with you I lose all that and a steady income. I wouldn't be able to pay my way around here anymore. There is just no way I'm going to do that.

"You go and do your survey. I'll be fine on my own. Besides if I need help I've always got Helen who will lend me a hand."

As soon as she said Helen's name she knew it was a mistake. What had been a discussion suddenly blew up into an argument, that only ended with her in tears and running into her room and locking the door and him storming out of the house. It took a few days before the tension from their fight faded. It also was not the last time John tried to get her to come with him. Although they managed not to fight on those occasions it still made things tense between them.

Her other problem was with Helen. She was trying to plan all kinds of things they could do together while John was gone for his survey and she was finally free of university. Annette on the other hand was being one hundred percent non committal when it came to anything during her surgery and recovery time. She still would not tell Helen about that. She hated to deceive both of her friends in this way but it was best for all of them if she kept it a secret. Of course not wanting to commit to anything was getting Helen upset. She was damned if she did and damned if she did not.

Yet, without fail the subject would soon rear its ugly head, which only made Annette feel more guilty about not telling her friends the truth. Yet telling them would just ruin things for John, so silence was the only thing she had.

Eventually John gave up asking her to come with him as she could not get a passport or the required vaccinations in the time remaining before his departure. She was so relieved when he stopped asking her. However Helen still kept up her attempts at getting her to do things together. It was getting increasingly difficult to dodge her attempts and not lie to her at the same time. Again she felt bad about the lies she had to tell her.
 

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Chapter 14: A Night to Remember
 
 
"Well I must say your friends were very nice to me tonight. I was expecting them to make nasty comments or jokes behind my back."

"They're a good bunch of people. Most of them don't have time for prejudices. They may not understand what you are but they will accept you. Besides I threatened anyone who said or did anything you didn't like with death."

"I know you're joking about that last bit."

"Yes I am, but I did warn them to be nice to you.

"Actually I don't think the warning was necessary. I think most people like you for who you are not what body you have."

"Here's our taxi."

"I still think I'm sober enough that we could have driven my car."

"We both agreed that we would be drinking tonight at your bon voyage party and you can't afford to get into any kind of trouble two days before you leave the country. Getting pulled over for being over the limit would end your trip before it starts."

"I know. I just don't feel like I'm that drunk."

"What you feel like and what you are, are often two very different things."

"I guess."

"Let's not get into a discussion that could end up ruining the evening. Okay?"

"You're right. As always."

"I'm a woman now, so that means I'm always right. You just haven't realized it until now."

The trip home in the cab was silent for once. Neither of them knew what to say. The party, alcohol and John's imminent departure made both of them introspective. Soon they were home and the uncomfortable silence continued.

"Can I fix you a drink Annette?" said John trying to break the silence.

"Um, no thanks. I'm going to pay for this in the morning as it is. That's the first time I've had any alcohol since, well since I've been me. Before that it was drinking myself into oblivion hoping I'd die from it. Or hoping I'd drink myself into having the guts to do a proper job of killing myself."

"I can't tell you how grateful I am that you are here with me, alive and the real you."

He started to pace the room. It looked like he was having a debate with himself. She had an idea as to what the debate was about but decided to only deal with it if he brought it up. Eventually he stopped and looked at her.

"I want to tell you something. No, scratch that. I need to tell you something. I've been struggling with it for a long time. I have to get it out in the open before it comes between us."

She stood there, her heart thundering in her chest. She was not sure if she was excited by, dreading, or a bit of both at what she was likely to hear. Did she want him to reveal it or did she want him to keep it to himself forever? She did not know what she wanted. She wanted to be with him and she did not in the same instant.

"Annette, I'm in love with you. I don't mean as friends. I mean it in that you're the most exciting, kind, intelligent and alive woman I've ever been with. There isn't anything about you that doesn't attract me to you.

"I guess I struggled for a long time with the fact that you were born a guy, but everything else, well it's perfection and it wipes that fact completely out of my mind and into insignificance.

"I know you aren't interested in men, but I think in some way you feel something for me. If I'm wrong tell me. If I'm right, tell me. I need to know. I need to know tonight."

She sat down. She was expecting this to happen at some point, but it was still a shock to have it out in the open.

"I think I'll take you up on that drink. Two fingers of something strong please."

"Oh god! I shouldn't have said anything."

"John, I do feel something for you. Maybe even something romantic. I just don't know if I can be with a man in a romantic way, no matter what I feel for him."

She debated with explaining the why of that. If she told him then she would never know. He would never go through with it if he knew. John was the only man she could possibly ever be with.

He was stunned by her admission. It is what he believed, what he wanted to hear from her lips, but never believed he ever would hear from her.

"John, please get me that drink."

He went over to the liquor cabinet and poured two fingers of something, he did not know what he had poured, one for her, one for him. His hands were trembling when he brought her drink to her. She gently touched his hand as she took the glass from him. A slight sexy smile showed through her nervousness. With one quick motion she downed her drink. She guided his still shaking hand and glass up to his mouth and he practically choked as he tried to imitate her.

When he had finished coughing she put his glass down and gave him a kiss on the lips. Within moments their kisses became intense. She broke away for a moment.

"John, promise me that if I ask you to stop at any point you will stop, no matter how excited you are. No matter how much you want to continue."

"I won't do anything you don't want me to."

"John this is very serious. I really mean it, if I ask you to stop you have to stop no matter what your desires or needs are."

"If I even think you're not enjoying yourself I'll stop."

"Thank you." she was so relieved to know he meant it too.

Again she kissed him and took him by the hand and led him to his bedroom.

She was happily humming to herself as she made breakfast for two. John had stumbled out of his room a few minutes ago looking for her. She just smiled happily at him letting him know everything was okay between them. Once he was satisfied that everything was alright he went back into the en suite and was doing his best to become human again. She almost had to laugh as he had looked so guilty and hung over when he came out of his bedroom.

She felt good, despite the headache she had from last night's drinking. She was also a bit tender and sore in some other places besides her head, but nothing she regretted or could not handle. If anything last night had put to rest one of her last emotional demons. One that would have nagged her until she died if she had not exercised it with John's loving assistance.

"Good morning. I'm sorry I didn't make us breakfast. I meant to do that as a surprise for you."

She went up to him and hugged him and gave him a kiss to remind him of last night. She could tell from the way he responded that he had not forgotten a moment of it.

"That's okay John. You know I love to cook and I don't seem to be suffering as much as you."

"What's the matter with me? I'm in university. I should be able to drink five times that amount and not even notice it the next morning."

"I think it's because ever since I came into your life you have hardly had anything to drink. You're just out of practise."

"I guess. But if I'm gonna feel like this until I get into practise then I don't want to be in practise."

"Getting something into your stomach will make you feel better." she said cheerily.

"It sure smells good."

"Well sit down and I'll serve it up."

The rest of the day was much as it normally would be, with the exception of the two of them touching, cuddling and kissing. There was no need to go further. That night John invited her to join him again but she declined.

"You will need your rest. You have a long flight ahead of you tomorrow and things will be busy for a long while afterwards."

"I guess. I'd sure like your company though."

"Until we're used to sleeping with each other neither of us will get a good nights sleep. Tonight's not the night to start. Especially for you."

"Right as always."

"Smart boy. Maybe I can teach you some tricks after all."

"Hey."

"You know I'm joking. Now get some sleep."

"Goodnight Annette. I love you."

She took his hand into hers. "John, I do love you too, but I don't know if I'm in love with you. I need time to know if this is right for me." She looked into his eyes. "If things go as I hope, then I will eventually be in love with you. Please be patient with me." She said this with a pleading tone to her voice.

"Oh." He looked like a puppy who had just been kicked by its beloved owner.

"John. I wanted and needed last night to happen just as much as you. If I can love any man in that way it's you. I just need to go slowly, no pressure. If it's right for both of us we'll be together, I promise.

Now get some sleep. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow."

He just nodded and went into his room. She almost wished she had not made her feelings clear to him. Yet she knew he needed to know where she stood on their relationship.

"I'll write at least once a week."

"John, don't be silly, you're going to be in a jungle three hundred kilometres from the nearest post office or any kind of civilization. The only form of communication you will have is a satellite phone for emergencies."

"I know. I just don't want you to forget about me, about what happened between us." there was fear in his voice as he said this.

She leaned in and gave him a kiss that curled his toes and reassured him at the same time. "I'm not going to forget anything about that night or us. Until we figure this out between us there won't be anyone else."

"Of course there is, there's Helen. She'll have three or four months to work on winning your affections." he said with open bitterness.

She just shook her head sadly. "John, I just said until we know where we are going with our relationship there won't be anyone else. That includes Helen. Now you had better get going. They just gave the last boarding call for your flight."

She debated as to whether to tell him that if the two of them did not work out that she would definitely be interested in pursuing something with Helen. Then again her surgery might change things for both John and Helen, so she would worry about relationships after that.

She hugged him tight and gave him another kiss. "You just be safe. We'll have all the time we need to figure things out between us when you get back."

"I love you Annette."

"I love you too you silly fool."

She watched him until he disappeared through the security gate, then she turned to head home. It was at that moment she saw Helen standing in the background. From the look on her face she had seen the intimacy shared between the two of them.

'Shit!' This was not how she wanted Helen to find out about the change in their relationship.

They held each other's gaze for a few more moments. An eternity under the circumstances. Annette knew that Helen was hurting because of John and herself. The look in her eyes screamed it to anyone looking at her.

They just stared at each other until someone walked between them and broke their gaze. With that Helen was off and moving quickly toward the exit.

"Helen? Wait. Please."

Fortunately it was a small local airport, so it was not so big that she did not stand a chance of finding her friend. She caught up to Helen just after she got into her car. The tears and pain on her face spoke louder than any words her friend could ever say.

"Helen, please, we need to talk. You don't fully understand the situation and the parking lot of the airport is not the place I want to discuss this." Through her tears she just waved for Annette to get out of the way.

"I'm not moving until you stop crying and can see properly to drive or you let me into your car. Then we can go someplace and talk so you can understand what's happening and how it may or may not affect our relationship."

After about ten minutes Helen gave up. She was trapped and the only way out was through the woman she loved. She reached over and unlocked the passenger door.

"Thank you. Now we are going to go to my place, I'm going to make us something to eat and you are going to listen to me. I mean really listen to me. Because if you don't listen to me there won't ever be a chance for an us."

Helen just looked at her in disbelief. "Oh come on Helen, you are just as obvious as John is when it comes to your feelings for me. He figured it out before I did and told me. Even if he hadn't pointed it out to me your reaction just now would have made it blatantly obvious."

She handed her friend a tissue and waited till she could see again. "So are you going to start driving to my place or are we just going to sit in the parking lot all afternoon?"

"Feeling better now that you've eaten?"

"I guess I do." Helen thought for a moment and changed her mind. "No, actually I don't. I feel like I've had a knife driven into my heart."

"Why? I've never given you any indication that I was interested in you other than as my best female friend. I've never encouraged your affections. Having said that I've never done anything to discourage you either."

"I guess it's just that you always said you weren't interested in men. I guess I hoped that something would happen between us."

"It still could, but I'm not promising anything until John and I figure out what is between us. Even then it may not happen for any number of reasons."

"I saw the way you looked at him and the way you held and kissed him. That wasn't something two people who are only friends would do." her eyes grew moist as the memory replayed itself.

Annette sighed. She did not want to go into details about her relationship with John, but maybe she would have to do so, whether she wanted to or not.

"Yes, something did happen between John and I. It was special, very special to me and very important to me. I won't say why though, not until I'm ready. I wanted what happened as much as John did."

Helen stood to leave. "Where do you think you are going?" asked Annette.

"There is no point is there? Anything I wanted between us is gone."

"Sit down and listen! Because if you leave now you will never have any chance with me."

She sat down again. "Good. Now pay attention, because this is really important. I do love John very much, but I'm not in love with him. I love you too, but I'm not in love with you either."

"That doesn't make any sense Annette."

"Sure it does. I love you both, you are my best friends. Do I love either of you as a lover, well no. I have to be physically complete before I can truly love either of you that way. Yes, John and I made love, but it was as two anatomical males. Honestly, it didn't do a thing for me physically. It was pleasurable, but, well it didn't connect with....me, I don't know how to describe it properly. It was nice, but it wasn't what it should have been. It left me feeling....empty, like missing an important ingredient from a recipe.

"However, having said that, it did strengthen the bond between us. It may never happen again for any number of reasons. Only time will tell where our relationship will go. Until I know where our relationship is going, I'm not going to get involved with someone else. Unfortunately Helen, that means we can only be friends for the time being."

"But you said you could never love a man." She said trying desperately to salvage some of her dream.

"Yes I did, and it's still true. John is different. I've known him most of my life. There has always been some kind of connection between us, that went beyond mere friendship. He is the sweetest, most loving guy I know, and I do love him, maybe even a bit romantically. Is it enough for the two of us to be a couple? I don't know. Besides he may not be interested in me after my surgery."

"What? Why wouldn't he be interested?"

"Shit!" Annette knew she had said too much, but could not think of a way to avoid telling Helen about John's interest in special women.

"Swear to me that you will keep what I'm about to tell you a secret. This has to be just between the two of us, no one else, not even John."

"Of course I'll keep what ever it is a secret. I may be jealous of him, but I'd never deliberately do anything to hurt him. Especially because hurting him would also hurt you."

"Okay. John has an interest in girls with something extra between their legs. He's never been able to sleep with a regular girl. He lost his virginity to me the other night."

"But I've seen him out dating. I've know he's spent the night with some of his dates, because a couple of them were friends of mine."

"What did they say about it?"

"Um, well, just that they were disappointed in his performance."

"That was because nothing happened. I can tell you I wasn't the least bit disappointed in his performance the other night, even if it didn't feel right to me. For someone without any experience he did remarkably well."

"You see with those girls he spent the night and ended up being embarrassed to death, it was because he couldn't have sex with them, no matter how hard he tried, he just wasn't able to get an erection. I overheard a conversation between a group of girls in the store one day and they all ended up discussing how they had all been disappointed because he couldn't perform.

"I think that seeing me reminded them of him and the fact that I'm his roommate. When they started talking about him they wouldn't have been aware I was on the other side of the thin wall in the stock room and could hear most of what they were saying quite clearly."

"Well how do you know he was really a virgin?"

"I've known him for years. I almost always know when he's lying about something. When he told me that night I knew he was telling me the truth, but I also suspected that was the case long before that."

"So you think he won't be interested in you if you have a vagina?"

"I think it is a possibility, but I won't know for sure until the situation comes up."

Hope flared in Helen's eyes.

"Helen, I have to know if John and I can make a go of being a couple. If he is still interested in me after my surgery I'm going to see if I can be happy with him. No matter how much I care about him it may not be enough for me to be with him. I do honestly think I can be happy with him, even if things aren't perfect for me."

"Oh." Helen's face fell.

"If things don't work out between us, I would love to see if we could be happy together."

"You mean that?" her face lit up at the thought.

"Of course I do."

Helen jumped up and ran over and hugged Annette. When she pulled away there was something in her eyes. Without warning she kissed Annette on the lips with as much emotion as she could muster. Annette's momentary surprise allowed Helen to invade and conquer her mouth. Despite her desire not to, Annette found herself welcoming the kiss.

Helen broke the kiss, "You really do mean it, don't you?"

"Mean what?" she said, still somewhat befuddled by the kiss.

"That there is a chance for us? You weren't saying it just to make me feel better?"

"Of course it's the truth. I try never to lie to people I care about."

"Good. I want you to remember and dream about that kiss, because I've got better than that waiting for you. If you stay with John you will never know just what you're missing and the what ifs will haunt you for the rest of your life."

"That's not nice of you."

"No it isn't, but I want you so bad I can taste it."

Helen thought about what she had been told and asked the next logical question. "So when are you getting your surgery?"

"Soon."

"When?"

"Soon."

"That's why you wouldn't let me plan anything for us to do together. You're going in the next few weeks, right?"

"Helen, what if I wanted to avoid you getting any more emotionally attached to me than you are? So I was just attempting to limit the amount of time we spent together."

"Nope, that's not it. If that was the reason you would have said no right away instead of offering an alternate reason.

"Where are you going and when?" Helen pushed.

"When I've got the details and I'm ready to tell you, I will."

"Uh huh, so you've at least got a surgeon lined up and are waiting for a date. My bet is still that you've got your date lined up and it's within the next few weeks."

"I give up. You just won't take any answer I give you."

"I know I'm right because you haven't denied anything I've said. You've done your best to dodge it or create a smoke screen. Confession is good for the soul as they say, so spill your guts girl."

"Okay I'm having my surgery a week from Wednesday."

"Where?"

"What difference does it make?"

"Well I have to know where so I can book my plane ticket, don't I? I also need to have a room booked, not unless you think they'll let me stay in your hospital room."

"Helen, don't be ridiculous. You can't possibly come with me."

"Why on earth not? I'm free of university now, they can easily do without me for a couple of weeks at the restaurant. There is just no way I'm going to let you go through this alone."

"Why?"

"Because I love you, and because of Crystal. I told you when we first met I'm helping you because I felt like I wasn't there for her. Not that I've really done much to help you, you haven't needed anything except a friend. Once you got on your feet there's been no stopping you. No matter what, I'm here for you, and you will have to get a court order to keep me away."

"I don't know Helen. I was really only planning on myself going there and being there. I'm probably going to be very grouchy, sore and not much company."

"Tough! I'm not going to let you go by yourself and that's that. Besides if I see the worst side of you then I'll be prepared for whatever you can throw at me when we're together."

"What if you decide the worst I can be is more than you want?"

"No way girl. You never had to see my father when he was ill. God, what a production of misery, over acting and being a little baby. If I could still love my father after his bouts with illness I'm sure I can take ten times what you can dish out. Besides you're a woman, you can take pain much better than any man can."

"Then why do you want to come? Sounds like you don't need the experience with dealing with a grumpy patient."

"Jeez Annette, you can be thick at times. Because I'll be dieing here. I won't be able to eat, sleep or rest until I know you're okay and safe and sound in your own bed." There were tears forming in her eyes as she said this.

"But it's mostly because I love you."

Annette got her a tissue and sat down beside her. She did not know what to say to her friend.

"I'd be going with you even if I only loved you as a friend." Helen said through her tears.

Annette sat thinking about this. She was not sure it was a good idea to bring Helen with her, but she knew it would not be a good idea to leave her behind either.

'Why does love have to be so complicated?' Annette silently asked the room. She was answered by the same silence that most people have heard throughout time when asking the same question.

She sighed resignedly and said in a subdued voice, "You can come, but I don't think you will be much better off being with me than staying here."

"Thank you. You won't regret letting me come. I also won't try anything either. Not unless things don't go well for you two.

"If that happens should I be wearing a skirt or pants?"

"Um, go with those tight leather pants and the leather boots with the four inch heels." Annette was quite embarrassed at revealing this side of herself. Helen realized this and did not say anything, but it boded well for a possible future relationship.

"Have you considered how you may actually feel about me when I get my surgery done? What if like John might, you also have a problem with me having a vagina?"

"Part of what has held be back for so long is I had trouble with you having a penis. You see everything about you with the exception of your body screams woman. I know you will never be a pinup model or anything like that, your body is just too masculine in shape. But I've seen natural women with similar bodies so you're not outside of what is possible for a natural born woman to look.

"Your penis is the one thing about you that messes with you truly being a woman in my mind. It's the one thing that just doesn't fit the package of who Annette Robinson is. If anything you with a vagina will only strengthen what I feel for you. You will be complete then. I guess I'm just someone who likes women or men, not someone who's physically the opposite in terms of their genitalia and body."

"Maybe it isn't a good idea for you to come then."

"Don't be silly. It's not like you will be able to do anything with John or me for a couple of months. Well at least down there. I promise you this, I won't try anything until you and John know what if anything is between you."

"And if there is going to be something between us?"

The silence from her was telling.

"Helen, I know you want to be with me, but if John and I are together you have to promise me that you won't do anything to hurt either of us.

Helen struggled to answer her, to give her the answer she wanted to hear. To give her the answer she wanted to give her, but could not.

"I love you both and I hate being stuck in the middle like this. No matter what I do one of you will be hurt."

Annette broke down crying at this point. She wondered how life could be so cruel. To give her two such wonderful friends, and just by being herself she'd somehow managed to make both of them fall in love with her. Now no matter what she did she would hurt one or both of them. She wanted to run away, but she knew she would definitely hurt them both if she did that. For the first time in a long time she felt trapped. The only way out was to do what she had intended; get her surgery and worry about her relationships after that.

When Annette stopped her crying and got up she noticed that she was alone. She wondered what had happened to Helen and began looking around. Her car was gone so obviously she had gone somewhere. She wondered why Helen would leave without saying anything, especially when she was crying. It just seemed so unlike her friend. Eventually she came across a note sitting in the kitchen.

Annette, Seeing you crying it suddenly struck me how selfish I've been, how poor a friend I've been. I finally admitted to myself that in the back of my mind I was unconsciously doing my best to undermine your relationship with John. I wanted you and that was all that mattered. I betrayed my own principles of not getting between two people. I also failed to take into account how much my actions are hurting you. What your wants and desires are in all of this. I stopped worrying about what you want and only about what I want. How did I get to this point? I can't stand what I've become. I'm going to go away for a while, to try and get my head sorted out, to get myself back in the real world again, not in my fantasies. I guess this means I won't be going with you when you have your surgery. I'm very sorry about that. Please don't try and contact me until I've got things figured out. I need space to do it and being near you or talking to you will just make things more difficult. I'll contact you. Take care of yourself. I love you Annette, too much it would seem. Helen

In places Helen's tears had made the ink run. Annette started crying all over again when she finished the note.

How could things have gone so wrong so quickly? For the first time in more than a year she was completely alone.

Of course she disregarded Helen's request and tried to contact her. She was not answering her phone or her cellphone. Neither was she answering her door when Annette went to her home. Likewise at her work, they said she had taken a leave of absence for a few weeks. She was forced to conclude that Helen had indeed gone away for a few weeks.

The day finally came for her to leave for her surgery. She was alone as she had planned, but she wished Helen was there to see her off. She even looked around the airport just in case she was there in the background somewhere, but there was no sign of her.

'Well girl this is it. When you come back here you will be officially female.' at least that thought brought a smile to her face. She had too few reasons to smile of late.

A month later and her recovery was going well. She was going stir crazy not being able to work or do much until she recovered sufficiently. Plus she was alone which made it all worse. She missed John and Helen. She had to admit it they both meant more to her than mere friends.

John had sent a postcard from the small town near where the survey was taking place. Near was relative as it was about three hundred kilometres from the survey site and John had sent the card before trekking into the jungle. He promised to write and send a letter whenever someone made the trip into town.

Eventually she could not stand waiting for Helen anymore and tried calling her. She was shocked when she got a message saying that the land line was not in service. When she tried Helen's cell phone she got someone new who said they had just gotten the number a couple of weeks ago. She called Helen's work and found out that she had resigned and no one knew where she had gone. She managed to make it over to Helen's place and found the owner repainting the basement suite in preparation for new tenants.

"Yup, she gave her notice almost a month ago. She said she was done with university and it was time for her to find a real job and make something of her life."

"Do you know where she went?"

"Sorry she didn't say anything to me about where she was headed or what she was doing other than what I just told you.

"Say is your name Annette by any chance?"

"Yes it is."

"She left a letter with me for you. Said you'd be by at some point looking for her. Give me a minute and I'll go find it."

A few minutes later he returned, "Here you go."

"Thank you."

"She said you might want to read that when you're alone."

"Oh....thanks."

It was a somber trip home as she realized that Helen was gone for good. She did not need to read the letter to know what it would tell her. She managed to hold her tears back until she got into her room. Again she wondered at how life and love could be so cruel.
 

---

 
Chapter 15: Reunion
 
 
The woman nervously entered the shop. She looked around and could not see the person she was looking for.

"Can I help you?"

"I had a friend who worked here about five years ago, Annette Robinson. I was wondering if someone here knows her and can tell me how to contact her."

"You'll need to speak to the manager. Go through the 'Staff Only' door, and take a left. You can't miss the office."

"Thank you."

The woman nervously approached the manager's door and knocked. Behind the desk the manager was on the phone but waved with her hand for the woman to enter.

"Okay I'll find out and call you tomorrow. Bye."

"Yes, may I help you."

Helen looked at the woman behind the desk. There was something about her. There was a twinkle in her eyes as she seemed to recognize Helen.

"Oh my god, Helen!"

"Annette?"

"Yes." The two of them hugged and stat down.

"You look different. What happened?"

"I do look a bit different don't I?"

"Yes you do."

"I had some surgery done. My nose bobbed and shaped a bit, brow ridges made less prominent, small cheek bone implants, an adam's apple shave, and my voice adjusted a bit, small breast implants to give me a bit more obvious breasts. Nothing too strong, all just enough to strengthen the feminine image a bit."

"I didn't recognize you at first. It's subtle but effective."

"Thank you. That is what I was hoping for."

"So what can I do for you?"

"Um well I was hoping we could talk for a bit. I wanted to apologize for running away like I did and not telling you."

"I won't say it didn't hurt a lot, it did. I understand why you did it though."

"I'm sorry. I was in a lot of pain and I was causing you pain, I would have caused John pain too. The only way I could figure out to minimize the pain I was causing us all was by leaving. It also made sure I couldn't interfere with your relationship with John."

"I put it behind me years ago. I knew why you did it, so I forgave you once I'd dealt with my feelings. I often think about you and what might have been."

"I still think about you almost every day Annette. I don't think I ever did get over you." It was then that she noticed the wedding band on Annette's finger.

"So things between you and John worked out?"

"No. We tried, but....Well it's a long story and not something I want to be talking about here."

"Oh. So who are you married to?"

"What makes you think I'm married?"

"The ring on your finger."

Annette laughed gently, "I'm sorry I forgot I was wearing it. It's my maternal grandmother's wedding ring. Part of my parents' estate. I use the ring to keep would be suiters away. Some of the guys who come in here are curious about being with a post-op and want to date me. I'm not interested, so I use the ring to try and fend them off. I don't know that it really works though. I think I get hit on now more by the ones looking for a one night stand than those looking for a long term relationship. It keeps one group away and encourages the other."

"So you're not seeing anyone?"

"Not currently."

"Um, so would it be okay if we go out for dinner and talk? No one is going to get hurt or put out by us having dinner?"

"No one. Wanting to pick up where we left off?"

"I don't know. I think I just need to do the talking we didn't do five years ago. Maybe try and rebuild a friendship that I've been missing every single day since I ran away from it."

"I'd like that too. I haven't had a best friend like you since you left. Friends yes, but none like you."

"Me either."

"I'll be tied up here for an hour after the store closes at six, paperwork, banking, etcetera. Do you want to meet somewhere?"

"Sure."

"Where?"

"Um, I don't know. Its been a long time since I was in town. Things could have changed a fair bit."

"Tell you what, why don't we meet in that restaurant in the mall on the upper level. The one we went to just after we met. It's still pretty much the same as it was back then."

"Sounds good. I'll see you there at seven."

"Seven it is."

Helen almost skipped out of the store. There was a smile on her face that reached from ear to ear.

Annette looked at the departing figure and wondered what the night and possibly the future might bring. Could they recapture what they had lost and what might have been?

"So what happened to you after you left my place?" asked Annette.

"I think I just drove. All I know is when I became aware again I was about a hundred kilometres from here in a town I didn't even know existed. I stayed there for a few days, doing a lot of soul searching and crying, before slipping back, giving my notice at work and where I lived.

"After that I moved back to my home town. What a mistake that was! The resentment over Crystal's death and the fact that I helped her be herself was too much for me to take. Then there is the fact that I am bi which made things quite uncomfortable for me. My parents were constantly setting me up with guys, hoping that one of them would cure me of my preference for women. I also had to put up with my parents nagging me for not taking one of the career paths they wanted me to take. After almost three months of hell I left and moved to the city. I enrolled in a hair dressing school and was soon working at the job I've always dreamt of doing and loving it."

"So anyone special in your life?"

"I dated a bit, mostly girls. None ever really caught my heart though, so things always fizzled out."

"So what about you and John?"

"When he came back he was quite shocked to find I'd had the surgery done. Actually shocked isn't quite the right word, resentful would be more the right term. Anyway, we tried for nearly a year to make things between us work. He could only perform if he took Viagra, which just made his resentment of what I'd done that much stronger. We did couple's counselling and it came out in the sessions that he was basically gay and in denial, which he didn't want to accept. She-males allowed him the illusion of believing that he was straight because he was having sex with women in transition. Eventually things became so tense between us I moved out.

"Oh and I left out what happened when his parents paid a surprise visit a couple of months before I moved out. Talk about a yelling and screaming match. The police actually showed up and made them leave. They haven't spoken to John since that incident. He blamed me for the rift between himself and his parents, at least until he came to his senses.

"Since then we've managed to mostly patch things up. We talk, but the closeness we once had, well it will never be recaptured."

"I'm sorry Annette, it sounds like you really tried."

"We both tried. It really was the wrong thing for John and I to become intimate. But I needed to know if my lack of attraction to men was because of my father or if I just don't find men arousing. I also needed to put that one ghost to rest and John was the only man I would ever consider having sex with."

"What about your father and this ghost?"

"I used to have a good friend named Beth who let me be me when I was over at her place. Her mother didn't mind so I would get dressed up as a girl and Beth and I were just two girl friends having fun together.

"One day my father came early to pick me up and caught me dressed as a girl. I'd never seen him so angry. He was yelling at Beth and her mother accusing them both of turning me into a sissy. He was yelling at me calling me a faggot.

"Eventually he dragged me out of there and threw me in the car, while I was still wearing the dress. He just kept on driving until we were in a very deserted area. He told me since I wanted to be a girl he would show me what it is like for a girl to be with a man and why I wouldn't want to be one."

She stopped. There were tears forming in her eyes. Helen did not know what to do or say. She just waited, dreading what she suspected she would hear. She barely contained her own need to cry, just seeing the emotion on her friend's face.

"My father, he...." Annette stopped, her voice choking in her throat. She could still see what had happened as clearly as if it had happened just yesterday. She needed to finally tell someone what had happened all those years ago. She slowly took some deep breaths and calmed her nerves. The tears would not stop and continued to stream down her face.

"My father, he....he raped and beat me. He told me that this is what I would get from men if I was a woman. He said I'd better shape up and be a man or he'd give me a reminder every time I didn't live up to his expectations. It was the only time it happened, but it's haunted me since that moment. I hate my father for what he did to me, yet there was always a part of me that still loved him. A child wants to love their parent. No matter what they do."

Her tears would not stop now. Years of keeping it to herself, years of hating herself because of what had happened. She felt Helen take hold of her hands. That little bit of contact gave her the strength to get her tears under control again. It took her a few minutes in the ladies room to fix her makeup and rejoin Helen.

"I'm sorry Annette. I had no idea. Did you report it to anyone? Did you get counselling?"

"No. No one but you knows about it. I think mother knew but she wouldn't have said or done anything. If she had to choose between me or him, she would have chosen him. I think she loved my father too much and was a bit afraid of him as well.

"The reason why I wanted to be intimate with John was to put what my father had done to me behind me. It also let me know that other than John, I wasn't interested in men. I was able to make love to a man, but it didn't really do anything for me. Even someone who was as compassionate as John was in the beginning. I'm a confirmed lesbian and I have no doubts about my sexuality now, nor any regrets about being one."

"You mentioned your parents estate. Are they dead?"

"Yes, they were killed by a drunk driver. My dad fell asleep at the wheel while well over the legal limit and drove through a guard rail on a bridge. It took the estate lawyer a long time to find me. They didn't have much, just a house with a mortgage on it. Some minor investments and savings, a few possessions that were worth keeping for one reason or other. So I sold the house, most of the contents and cashed almost everything in. I've still got a few dollars in the bank even after a few not so cheap improvements to myself."

"I'm sorry about your parents."

"I'm not. They abandoned me years ago. I stopped hating or loving them long ago. In a way I almost feel they had it coming to them, especially my father. I really didn't feel a thing when I was told about their deaths. The stupid thing is they forgot to write me out of their wills. That's the only reason I got their estate, such as it was."

Helen decided to change the subject. "So you're managing Irene's store, how did that happen?

"Unfortunately her husband became sick with cancer. She had to spend more and more time caring for him as he became sicker. I kinda got the job as manager by default as no one else had taken any interest in running the place.

"Irene's husband died a few months back. She's back in England at the moment staying with her sister while she gets over his death. I've been running the store and keeping an eye on her other properties. That alone is almost a full time job as the other places all constantly have this or that needing the property owner's attention. Since she's away I'm the one who gets called first. If it's something I can't handle then I get in touch with her.

"Irene is actually thinking of selling her properties and her business and moving back to England. She's offered me a deal on the store, but I'm not sure if I can pull off the financing. If I hadn't spent the money on the other surgeries I could have done it, but as they say, hind sight is twenty – twenty."

"How much are you short?"

"Unfortunately about fifty thousand. I might be able to get a loan with maybe fifteen thousand or twenty thousand more available to me, but it will be at a higher repayment rate than I can really afford. If I could get the full fifty then I'd be okay with the payments."

"Have you considered taking on a partner?"

"I've looked around. John doesn't have the money and I'm not sure I'd ask him given the change in our relationship. The full time employees would probably buy in, but even then I don't think we can scrape enough money together to reach the fifteen thousand. No one else I know and trust has enough money."

Helen thought for a moment. "You know I might be able to make up the difference. All the way to the fifty you need. I've also got enough collateral so you shouldn't have any worries with the bank."

"How is that possible?"

"Well, a couple of things made it possible."

"Why do I have the feeling you haven't fully told me your story."

"Because I haven't. I guess there is really only two important things I haven't told you. The first is I won a little over two hundred thousand dollars in the lottery, so I'm in a position to be able to loan you the extra money you need."

"Wow, congratulations. You'll be able to open your own salon with that amount of money."

"That's why I'm here. I was thinking about starting one here."

"You are in luck, one of the properties Irene owns is a salon and it's available. It's in decent condition and has most of what a modern salon needs already in place. You would probably want to reno it a bit to update the look. I've been trying to get someone to rent it or make her an offer on the property."

"Sounds very interesting. Can you show it to me tomorrow?"

"Yes, how does the afternoon sound?"

"Sounds perfect."

"I've wanted to move back here because I like the area, I like the people, and...."

"And?"

"You're here and I want to see if maybe we could still have something special together?"

"Well I'm definitely not opposed to trying."

"What's the other thing you didn't tell me?"

"Well it might be a deal breaker."

"What would that be?"

"Well, I've got a daughter. I was off the pill as I hadn't thought about being with a guy for months and didn't want any of the potential health risks that the pill brings. I was out partying with some friends and by the end of the evening I was quite drunk. He was a cute, handsome charmer and very talented for a man. He was gone the next morning. I have no idea who he was or where he went. I never did see him again. Because of that one night, I had little Crystal nine months later. She's the light of my life and I don't regret what happened for a moment."

"I'm happy for you Helen. Why would your daughter be a deal breaker on the loan?"

"Not the loan, us."

Annette reached out and took Helen's hand. "If there can be an us, Crystal won't be a problem for me. Having a child is something I've dreamt of but never thought would happen."

Helen let out a silent sigh of thanks.

"As for us? Well let's just work on being friends again and see where that takes us. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made with John. This time I want to get things right, for both of us."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes I do. I'd like to help you raise Crystal too, even if we only remain as friends. That is if you'll let me."

"I'd like that a lot. It's not easy at times being a single mother and just having someone else around who will love her and care for her as much as I do would mean the world to me."

"So where is she?"

"I left her in the care of a friend I'm staying with while I'm here, just for the evening so we could get reacquainted. Would you like to see her?"

"I'd love to."

They continued talking as they finished their meal and left the restaurant. Helen reached out and took Annette's hand as they walked.

"Annette is there any chance we can make our relationship work this time?"

"That depends." she said with a playful smile.

"On what?"

"Do you still have those leather pants and high heeled boots?" Annette asked with a shy blush on her face.

A sexy smile played across Helen's face, "I will by tomorrow afternoon."

"Then I think maybe we do have a chance of making it work this time. But let's not go too fast."

They stopped and gave each other a kiss, completely oblivious to the stares of the people around them.

"Mmm. That kiss was much better than the one I remember." said Annette dreamily.

"There is more and better than that to come."

Again they kissed. They both knew that this time it would work out between them.
 
 

---

 
 
This story is dedicated to the memory of Nic and Auntie C. Both of whom passed away recently, within a few weeks of each other, leaving someone special to me with a couple of big empty places in her heart.

Hugs Sis.

A special thanks to my beta and proof readers who helped improve the quality of this story immensely. All remaining mistakes and goofs are of course my own.

Of course the standard disclaimers apply. This is a work of fiction, names and characters are of course all made up and bear no resemblance to persons living or dead.

All rights to this work is reserved by me. This work may not be reposted elsewhere without my permission.

Constructive feedback and comments are greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Arwen's Tears

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