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Chapter 6: Decisions
 
 
"Well John, I'm happy to say that allowing you to take James in has definitely improved things for him. He's been happier and more cooperative, up to a point, since he's been staying with you."

"I couldn't leave him where he was, not after he told me about the conditions he was living in."

"It's a shame that the halfway houses are not funded as well as they should be. He ended up in one of the worst maintained ones in the area. Unfortunately at the time there just wasn't any other place for him to stay."

"Well I'm only too happy to help."

"So how about you, how are you coping with having to look after him?"

"For the most part he looks after me. He cooks, he cleans, he keeps me company when I need it. He's quiet as a mouse when I'm studying. He keeps me on schedule. He's even helping me fix up my wardrobe."

"I had noticed an improvement in what you're wearing this time over the previous interviews we've done.

"So is there anything I should know about? Anything, no matter how small may be important to his treatment."

John hesitated. He did not know if it was his place to reveal his speculations to Jamie's psychiatrist.

"I can see you are hesitating on answering that question. Why?"

John started to squirm. He was really uncomfortable with all of this.

"Anything you can tell me may be critical for his treatment. Holding anything back may eventually cost James his life. I'm not trying to scare you into telling me anything. I'm just pointing out that if we don't resolve his issues he's very likely to try and kill himself again. So anything, no matter how trivial you think it is, may give me important clues to prevent that from happening."

"Um, well you see, we were out buying him new clothes since all he had was what he was wearing."

He stopped for a minute, still unsure.

"Yes." she prompted.

"Well I asked him about why he chose one pair of jeans over several other's he tried on. That got us discussing fit and fashion, quality of workmanship and so on. He was telling me about colour palettes and how the colours affect how people see you and how you feel about yourself. He also explained why he chose some of the various items he did.

"He also spent a lot of time looking at all of the women going past us in the food court. It didn't seem to matter their age or how attractive or not they were. It was like he was inventorying them in some way. At one point an attractive woman walked past and I asked him if she was his type, since he seemed to pay extra attention to her. He was so distracted he missed my question the first time. Anyway he answered 'I guess you could say that.' He didn't say yes she was or no she wasn't his type. I got the impression he meant something else by his answer. Oh yeah, his eyes were moist while he was looking at her, like he was very emotional and about to cry.

"Then as we were leaving the mall we ended up going past a lot of women's stores. He was paying a lot of attention to what was in the windows as we went by. At one point we were going past a dress shop and it had a formal gown in the window. He almost stopped to stare at it, after a moment's hesitation he sped up and got past me. Just as he got in front of me I saw a tear sliding down his cheek."

"I'm glad you told me about this. It's little things like that, that can help reveal the inner workings of a person's mind to a trained professional. I don't know if what you told me will help James, but it helps me build a better understanding of him when he's in a normal environment and being more himself."

The doctor put her notepad down and covered it with a piece of paper. When she got up she accidentally knocked the paper covering the notepad revealing some of her notes. The words 'transvestite or transsexual?' were written and double underlined on the notepad. It looked like she had also made a note about him. However it was still mostly covered by the piece of paper and he could not figure out what she had said about him. Moments later she was back at her desk and handed John an empty journal.

"John I want you to keep a daily log of your observations of James. Anything about his behaviour or the things he says that strike you as different or not normal for other people, I want you to record them in there. Whatever you do, don't let him know you're doing this and don't let him get hold of the journal. If he thinks you're doing this he will change the way he behaves around you and we won't be able to help him as effectively. I want you to bring the journal in each meeting and we'll talk about what you have observed."

John did as the doctor requested. Each night just before he went to bed he put in his daily observations, which to his surprise seemed to be a fair bit. He had never really thought much about the subject before and knew relatively little about it. Because of this he began spending a fair bit of time doing research on the two words he had seen written on the doctor's notepad. The more he observed Jamie and his behaviour the more he was convinced his friend was a transsexual.

He started to record programs that dealt with the subject. He researched in the library and online. Eventually he stumbled across some she-male pornography sites. For some reason he found himself fascinated by the partially transformed men. Their duality drew him in and excited him. Some looked just like women but they had their penis and testicles, which was the only evidence of their birth sex. Others, although they did their best to look female were clearly born male. There was no mistaking their origins despite how much surgical work they had done on their bodies.

John started seeing his friend in a new way. He knew if Jamie was a transsexual that he would never be able to pass completely as a real woman. Despite his non masculine traits like his soft demeanour, his skinny body and fine bones in his face, he would always be seen as a woman who was born male.

The more he observed his friend the more he was sure that his friend was a woman at heart. He resolved he would do whatever he could to ensure that he helped his friend to be who he was meant to be.

"Look Doc I've been observing him for almost two months now. Every single time I make an entry in that journal it's about how feminine he is, he just doesn't act like any normal man I've ever met. Isn't there any way we can force him to admit what he is?"

"John, you are not trained in psychology and can't make that kind of judgement about what he may or may not be. There are a few other possible conditions that could also explain everything that you have observed. Besides you have become fixated on what you perceive as female behaviours in him. I want you to start logging all normal male behaviours for a while. You need to see there is more to being a man or a woman than just the stereotype behaviours. I want you to see that there is masculine in your friend as well as feminine."

"But doc you don't see him like I do. I've known him for years. The more I learn about transsexuals the more I'm convinced that is what he is."

"John, your role in this is as an observer. If you can no longer function in that role let me know and I'll arrange for James to go back to a halfway house for the remainder of the research program."

"You can't do that, it'd set him back so much if you do."

"Yes it would, but it's up to you. I can't have you thinking you know what's best for him and interfering with his treatment. If you do interfere you could do worse damage to him than me sending him back to a halfway house would.

"The only way we can really help James is by being patient and accepting him on his terms. Eventually he will open up to one of us. If you don't interfere I think it will be you. You can do so much good by just being his friend and accepting him no matter what. But if you choose to do more you will in all likelihood hurt him beyond repair.

"There are things we both don't know about James, but you know less about him than you think you do, despite the long years you have known him. There are things that I am aware of but I can't tell you about because of patient confidentiality rules.

"Be his friend, be my field observer, but don't interfere. John I really don't want to separate you both. Please for his sake and yours don't interfere."

"Okay Doc I'll do as you ask, but I think you're wrong."

"John I want to have weekly meetings with you from now on. I'll see you next Tuesday at one forty-five."

Patient notes: John Mills has become fixated on the idea that his friend James Robinson, is a transsexual. While I'm inclined to agree that this belief is indeed correct, I'm worried that John will attempt to force James to reach this conclusion before he is ready, or ready to admit it to anyone. This could have a serious negative impact on James' treatment, possibly pushing him into another suicide attempt. I have told John I want to meet with him weekly instead of our current schedule of every other week. I think I need to be evaluating John more closely as we reach a critical point in James' treatment. As for James, he has made so much progress since he has been living with John. I really don't want to separate them as they seem to be good for each other. Yet John's fixation and certainty that he is right could become a problem for them both.

John was fuming all the way home. He could not understand how that dumb psychiatrist could not see what was so obvious to him. Well if she was not going to help Jamie then he would.

"Screw her!" he said out loud drawing the attention of fellow bus riders.

Of course to keep helping Jamie he had to keep the good doctor thinking he was doing exactly what she wanted him to do. 'I have to be subtle about this or she'll get suspicious.' he thought.

Two weeks of research and he knew exactly how he would help Jamie. He found some software online that would allow him to create subliminal suggestion mp3s. He hid the mp3 player in Jamie's mattress and set it up on a timer to come on in the middle of the night after Jamie was asleep and shut off before he woke up. All he had to do was to charge the batteries on the unit about once a week.

He had also studied how to make such recordings and what ways were thought to be the most effective in eliciting a change in the subject. John worded things so that if Jamie was not a transsexual then the subliminal suggestions should not affect him, but if he were, then they should help bring his inner self out.

When everything was in place John began to have second thoughts. Yet when he thought about Jamie going back to either the half way house, the asylum, or worse killing himself, he could not let that happen. He had to try and save his friend.
 

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Chapter 7: Whispers in the Night
 
 
John could hardly sleep that first night that he put his plan into effect. He did manage to drop off a few hours before he had to get up for classes. When his alarm woke him he could barely stagger to the bathroom.

When he was ready he wandered out to the kitchen wondering why he was not smelling breakfast being cooked. Jamie was nowhere to be seen. Momentarily panicked he ran to Jamie's room and knocked on the door.

"Huh? Wha?" came the confused response from the other side of the door.

"Jamie are you okay in there?"

"John? What time is it?"

"It's a bit before eight."

"I slept in?"

"'fraid so buddy?"

"God I feel like I haven't slept at all. It was like someone was talking just outside my window all night."

"Do you know who it was or what they were saying?" said John trying to hide his worry.

"I couldn't hear anything properly. I kept on drifting in and out of sleep, but every time I looked out the window to see who was talking there was no one there and the voice or voices stopped.

"I'm sorry I missed making you breakfast."

"That's okay. You try and catch up on your sleep. I'll see you tonight."

'Damn, it was too loud!' John silently cursed himself. He would have to get it adjusted before Jamie started figuring out what was going on.

John slipped home while Jamie was at his daily appointment with the doctor and adjusted the volume. Truthfully he could not hear anything and he wondered how Jamie managed to hear it at all. Never the less he adjusted the volume down a bit more and headed back to the university.

The next morning when John got up Jamie was in the kitchen making breakfast as usual. He looked like his normal self this morning which relieved John no end.

"So the mystery voices didn't keep you awake last night?"

"No. Thank goodness. Although I felt like, I don't know, like there was a voice whispering to me in my sleep. At least it didn't keep me awake, so I can't really complain."

"Well that's good. Maybe it was one of the neighbour's TVs or something?"

"Yeah maybe."

"Well if it keeps up let me know. I'll complain to the manager and see if they can figure out who it might be."

The next morning was almost a repeat of the previous morning. With the exception that Jamie was not sure if he really heard anything or not.

"It could just be my own dreams getting confused with reality. I also could just be getting used to it and sleeping through it now.

"Anyway it's not really bothering me so I don't think we have to worry about complaining to the manager."

John almost let out a big sigh of relief right there in front of Jamie. If he had been caught then Jamie would be sent back. He would probably be in all kinds of trouble and have his father breathing down his neck. It was not a situation he wanted to be in.

It had been a few weeks and John was beginning to think that either the subliminal thing was a total crock, as some people suggested, or maybe he had adjusted the volume too low and Jamie just was not hearing it properly. He had not seen the slightest hint of any changes in Jamie.

John had arrived home from classes and smelt the wonderful aroma of Jamie's cooking. It was something he looked forward to each night. John came into the kitchen and said hi as he usually did and asked what was on for dinner. He then made his way to his room and had a shower. John chuckled at the thought of having a shower at least a couple of times a day. It was Jamie's influence of course. John was also noticing that the changes to his wardrobe were also having a subtle positive effect on how people reacted to him and treated him. It all worked to make him feel more confident.

When he came back out to the living room he noticed a magazine tucked under the pillow on the couch where Jamie normally sat. He pulled it out and saw it was a Cosmo. There were several pages marked off, one on fashion, one on makeup and another on relationships. He slid the magazine back where he found it before Jamie noticed.

John sat there wondering if this was a fluke or if it had to do with what he was trying to bring out in Jamie. He knew he would just have to be patient and wait and see.

A few days later John got home and he knew there was something different about Jamie, but he could not figure out what. It took most of the night before he finally figured it out. His friend had trimmed his bangs and made them a bit more feminine and had done something else to his somewhat long hair to make it subtly more feminine.

A week later and John noticed there was just a hint of not quite completely removed eyeshadow on Jamie's eyelids. A few days after that John was sure that Jamie was actually wearing some subtle mascara on his eyelashes. They definitely looked longer and fuller than normal.

John was really dying to ask Jamie about all of this but knew Jamie had to bring it up first. Then he realized that Jamie had no money, so how was he getting those things in the first place. He knew makeup generally was not cheap.

Two weeks later John's day finished early because of a faulty fire alarm in the building that housed his last lecture. The constantly ringing bells made it impossible to hold the lecture. The professor told the class to go home and that he would make up the class at a later date.

When John came into the apartment he found Jamie dressed in a woman's blouse, a knee length skirt, pantyhose, his face was fully made up and he was wearing some low wedge type shoes. The outfit was all coordinated and a good style for his body, as John would expect from his friend.

They both stood there staring at each other stunned for a moment before Jamie, burst into tears and ran into his room and closed the door. As he ran past John could smell perfume coming from his friend.

John went to Jamie's room and knocked on the door.

"Jamie, please open the door. We should talk about this. I'm not upset about finding you like this. I'm your friend and I will always stand by you no matter what."

Jamie came to the door and opened it. "You're....You're not upset with me. You aren't going to throw me out?" said Jamie between sniffs.

"Why the hell would I throw my best friend out of his home? Or should I be saying her home now?"

John took Jamie by the shoulder. "Come on we'll be more comfortable talking in the kitchen. I'll make us something to drink."

"What's your preference?"

"Um, chamomile tea thank you."

John searched for the tea but could not find it since his friend had put the kitchen into order. "Jamie, where is the tea?"

"Here let me get the drinks."

John sat down and watched as Jamie moved around the kitchen getting the drinks together. He noted that his friend although not perfectly comfortable with what was happening, seemed more calm and natural than ever before. Eventually the coffee John preferred was sitting in front of him and Jamie's tea was in front of him. They both sat across the table in an uncomfortable silence and sipped their drinks.

"John, I'm sorry about this. If you want me to go I'll leave tomorrow."

"I already told you this is your home now. I'm not going to throw you out."

"But you must hate me for being a freak!"

"Why would I hate you for being dressed like that? Especially if it is something that makes you happy and doesn't hurt another soul?"

"You're not upset?"

"Not in the least. I've suspected for a while that you may be this way. I'm just glad that you finally allowed me to see the real you Jamie."

"Annette. When I'm like this please call me Annette."

"I like that name, but why not stick with Jamie."

"Because it's based on my male name, a name I never could stand. Annette was the name my parents would have called me if I had been born a girl."

"So are you a transsexual, transvestite or a cross dresser?"

"You won't hate me no matter what I say?"

"Of course not. I'll always be your friend and accept you no matter what."

"I'm a transsexual."

"I guess I should ask have you always been this way or is this recent?"

"I've been this way for as long as I can remember."

"So why hide it?"

"Because my dad hated it. He would punish me any time he caught me acting too much like a girl. My mum always sided with my dad. Although I think she would have supported me if it weren't for him." This brought some tears to her eyes.

"Is this why you wanted Bull to kill you?"

Annette just nodded and broke down into tears. John got up and sat down beside his friend and held onto her. It was some time later that she finally pulled herself together.

When she looked up he almost burst out laughing. "Um, Annette, you had better go fix your makeup, you look like a raccoon."

When she came back they continued their discussion as she prepared their dinner.

"So is this going to be permanent? I mean, is it goodbye Jamie and hello Annette?"

"I don't know. I would give anything to be a real woman, but I know I'll never be able to pass as one. I don't want to be made fun of or ridiculed. I just want a normal life as a woman."

"Let me put it this way then, is being Annette on a part-time basis going to be enough for you to give up your desire to die?"

She stopped in her tracks and thought for a few moments. "I, I don't know. I don't think so. I can't stand the thought of being a guy, or living as one. Yet I know I'll be considered a freak if I live as Annette."

"I'd rather have a live freak best friend than a dead normal best friend."

"But other people won't think that way. There might even be those who will try and hurt me for being myself."

"Is that any worse than you trying to hurt yourself for not being your true self? At least you would be living as you want and you wouldn't be the one trying to take your own life any more. You just may find people are more accepting of you than you think. Maybe not all, but many will."

"I don't know John. I'm not sure I'm ready for this."

"Well you can be Annette around me anytime you want. As a matter of a fact I'd prefer it if you were yourself all the time."

"You really mean that?"

"What have I been telling you since I saw the real you? I don't have any problems with you being yourself. If being Annette means you are happier, then I definitely want to see you as Annette whenever possible."

"Thank you." she said and threw her arms around him and hugged him tight.

"You're welcome."

"You know what? We'll have a new house rule. The impostor will only be allowed to exist when you go outside and need him to be the one the world sees. Other than that he's banished."

"But"

"No buts. I hope you consider banishing him for good, because I don't want him around any more than is absolutely necessary."

Later that evening John brought up a question that had been bothering him for a while now. "Annette, how did you pay for the makeup and clothing?"

"Oh that's easy, when I go out for walks I look out for lost coins, bottles and other stuff I can turn in and get some money for. I actually splurged on a two dollar scratch and win the other day with what I'd collected and I won one hundred dollars. I used that money to buy these clothes at the thrift store. The makeup and perfume I got at the drug store with what I had left."

That relieved John no end, as he had worried that his friend might have felt compelled to steal what she needed. He should have realized that she would have been smart enough to figure out how to get some spending money.

The next morning when John got up it was Jamie in the kitchen. John knew he had to encourage Annette and discourage Jamie.

"I told Annette last night that you're no longer welcome here Jamie and I meant it. I only want to see her from now on. You only get to exist outside of here." With those words he guided his friend into Annette's bedroom.

"But John!"

"No buts. I thought I made everything quite clear. Only Annette can be here now." With that he closed the door and left Annette to get changed.

After this Jamie only made a few half hearted rebellious appearances. More just an attempt to reassure herself that John really wanted Annette around instead of Jamie. She was definitely much happier with her newfound existence. The only fly in the ointment was that she was not ready to reveal herself to her psychiatrist or the world.

John was concerned that if he told her doctor about Annette that the doctor would then think that he had done exactly what he had done. Of course if he did not tell the doctor about Annette and then it was found out that she had been around for a while without his reporting it, then John would again be in trouble.

The other major problem was that the research grant that was paying for Jamie's treatment would be running out at the end of the semester. Annette needed to reveal herself so that the doctor would be satisfied that Jamie/Annette was no longer a threat to himself/herself.

John decided he needed to add another mp3 file to what Annette was already getting. One that would help her be confident enough to reveal herself to her doctor. He only hoped it would work before it was too late.
 

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Chapter 8: The Session
 
 
"Well James, I must say that the last few weeks you've been much more relaxed and cooperative than you have been in the past. However we still have that one area that you refuse to talk about. Why do you want to harm yourself?

"James if you can't open up to me I will have to recommend that you be returned to the asylum, so you can be protected from yourself when this phase of my research and the drug trial is finished. I really don't want that to happen, but you are leaving me with no choice."

"I know that Dr. Haines. I want to tell you, but I'm afraid."

"James I can't help you if you can't open up and let me really know what your problem is. I have my suspicions, but unless you can tell me in your own words I can't make a proper diagnosis, I can't ask the proper questions. I can't guide you in the treatment you need."

"Doc, can I bring John to my next session?"

"I prefer to keep our sessions just between the two of us."

"I need his support if I'm going to tell you what I need to tell you. What you need to hear. I can't do it without him. You see he accidentally found out and he's been so understanding and supportive of me ever since. It's why I've been doing so much better."

The doctor looked at him. She had concerns that maybe John had been interfering with James' treatment.

"Doc, I'm happier at the moment than I can ever remember being at any other time of my life. I think I want to live now, but I'm still afraid of telling anyone. Since he knows he'll give me strength and maybe he might be able to answer for me if I get too nervous or afraid."

"I understand why you want him here, but I will need to hear everything in your own words. He can't truly answer for you. I may ask some tough questions and you may not want him present if I do."

"He's known me most of my life, there is very little he doesn't know about me now."

"He may know about events and your public personality, but does he truly know you inside, who you really are? Some of my questions may hurt you. You may hate me for asking them. You may not want him to know or hear your answers. Even your silences may reveal more about the inner you than you want him to know."

Jamie thought for a few moments, weighing the doctors words. Eventually he spoke. "I would still like him here."

"Okay I'll allow him to be part of your next session, but only if he agrees to remain silent and not interfere or interrupt. If he does he will have to leave."

"John?"

"Yes."

"Can you cut a class tomorrow?"

"Cut a class? Why would I do that?"

"I need you to be somewhere with me."

"Oh. What's up?"

"I want to tell Dr. Haines about me, about Annette."

John almost could not contain himself, but he knew he had to not show his eagerness too much. He had been so worried about her holding out too long. Hopefully it was not already too late.

"That's great news, I'm very happy for you. But how does that require me to cut a class?"

"I need you there for support, moral or otherwise."

"Well if you really need me to go I suppose I can miss the lecture tomorrow. I'm sure you can tell the doc about yourself without me though."

"I, I wish I could. I'm too scared that she will throw me back into the mental institution, but I know if I don't open up I'll end up back in there regardless. You've been so good to me, you've accepted me. With you there I can do this. Well at least I think I can. But I know I can't do it without you."

John could tell that Annette really wanted to do this. There was a pleading in her eyes for him to help her. Yet her fear was clearly evident in how she was nervously fidgeting when she spoke.

"I'll be there for you. Will it be you there or him?"

"I'm not ready for the world to see me yet. So I guess it will have to be him."

"You see her at three right?"

"Yes, but if you can get there a few minutes early I'd really appreciate the extra support before we go in. It'll help calm me more."

"Hi Jamie." said John, trying to use the correct name in public, he was just getting too used to calling her Annette now. Besides the new name fit the person he had known most his life better than James or Jamie ever did. "I'm sorry I'm late but my prof wanted to talk to me for a few minutes at the end of the lecture."

"That's okay, you're here now, and I'm not quite as nervous as I thought I would be. At least not yet."

They both sat quietly and somewhat nervously in the waiting room till it was Jamie's time to see the doctor. They both jumped a bit when the doctor's door opened.

"Hello James, John. Before we begin I need a few minutes alone with John to set the ground rules for today's session. I'll come for you in a few minutes."

John almost felt like he was going before the principal after doing something wrong. He steeled his nerves and reminded himself that what he had done was in his friend's best interest.

"Well, I'm a bit disappointed in you. You were supposed to tell me what has been going on and I understand from James that you have been holding something back from me for a few weeks."

He sat quietly for a moment or two thinking about how best to answer this somewhat unexpected question. He had been expecting the doctor to accuse him of interfering with Jamie's treatment.

"Well you see Doc, Jamie wasn't ready for me to know his secret, but I accidentally walked in on it. He was practically ready to run out the door and never come back. I had to assure him that his secret didn't bother me and that I would fully support him. Fully supporting him in my book was to not tell you until he was ready for you to know. If he backs out of telling you today I'll have to keep what I know to myself until he's ready."

"Okay, I'll accept your reasoning for remaining silent.

"Now the other thing we need to discuss is this session. You're here for moral support, but I don't want you saying a word or interrupting. James has to do this in his own way and in his own words. If you interfere in any way I'll remove you from the session and that could hurt James. Is that understood?"

"Yes Doc."

"Good. I want you to sit in that chair out of the way. I'll go and get him so we can begin."

She went to the door and opened it and called James in.

"Dr. Haines, why is John back there?"

"So he can't influence you in any way."

"But I need to have him close. I'm not sure I can tell you otherwise."

The doctor barely contained her sigh. She had a feeling that she was already losing control of this session. Hopefully it would be the breakthrough his treatment needed and not a further waste of time.

"John you can move your chair closer, but I still want you to remain behind James. If he needs your support I'll allow you to put your hand on his shoulder. That way he knows you are there.

"Okay now that we've got everyone settled. Whenever you're ready James."

For the next few minutes Jamie squirmed in his seat. He would open his mouth to begin to speak and then close it again. His frustration level was beginning to build to the point where he was almost in tears. He so wanted to get this out in the open, but he was so afraid.

"I, I can't Dr. Haines. I really want to. I'm too scared."

John motioned to the doctor that he wanted a word with her outside.

"James I need to talk to John for a moment. We'll be right back." The two of them left the office.

"John why did you interrupt? Have you changed your mind about telling me?"

"No Doc, I haven't. But I thought of how I might get him to relax and talk to you. I know he wants to tell you. He's just too afraid. In a way I think he's afraid of you. You represent the one person who can help him the most or hurt him the most by throwing him back to where he doesn't ever want to go again."

"Yes, I can see how that would increase his tension. However I don't see how we can get around this."

"I was thinking of a bit of role playing." The doctor gave him a nasty look. "Just hear me out please.

"I was thinking about doing the role play by pretending that he and I are in the apartment and just having a normal day. I arrive home from classes, he's cooking dinner and we talk about our day. The only place he's really comfortable at the moment is in the apartment. Everywhere else he's afraid his secret will get out and make his life hell."

"Maybe there is some merit to your idea. We'll try your suggestion for ten minutes. If it doesn't improve the situation I'll have to try something else to get him to open up."

"Doc, after we get started can you not say anything for a few minutes. Just listen. I'll let you know when you can enter in, although I'm sure it'll be obvious when the time comes."

They both went back into the room where a very nervous Jamie was waiting. "Um, what's up?"

"John thinks he knows how to help you stay calm and open up. I'm willing to let him try it for a few minutes. If that is okay with you."

"Yes, sure. I trust him completely."

John was quiet for a moment as he thought out how best to do this. His delay seemed to make the doctor slightly agitated. Fearing that she would pull the plug before he even started, he hurriedly began.

"Okay Jamie, here is what I want you to do. I want you to close your eyes, get comfortable and imagine that it is a day like any normal day. You have already seen the doc and had your shot for the day. I want you to imagine that you have gone home where you're safe and your secret is safe. No one can harm you there.

"You've been laying down on your bed and sleeping off the drug the doc has given you. Eventually it's time to get up and get ready. You get up off your bed and start your normal routine before I arrive home. Now I want you to see each and every detail as you're doing it. I want you to feel the sensations as if they're really happening to you. I want you to smell all of the scents around you as you get ready to cook dinner."

Jamie appeared much more relaxed as he followed John's instructions. You could see little muscle movements as his imagined activities manifested themselves ever so slightly. Occasionally an expression of some emotion flitted across his face as he went about his imagined tasks.

"Now I'm about to come home. Are you ready for me?"

"Mm hmm."

"Hey, it's me. That sure smells good? What's on for dinner?"

"A garden salad with a herb vinaigrette dressing and fettuccine alfredo. All low calorie and low fat, so we don't have to worry about our waistlines."

"Sounds perfect. How was your day?"

"Well I managed to collect about five dollars in bottles and other recyclables. I've got about twenty-five dollars set aside at the moment."

"Any plans for what you want to spend it on?"

Jamie hesitated for a moment. "Yes, but I need to double what I've saved before I can afford it."

"I'll give you the rest of the money now and you can pay me back."

"That's sweet of you John. I'll think about it."

"So what is it that you're wanting to buy?"

"I, it's, um, it's...." Jamie struggled to say what was next.

John reached out and put his hand on Jamie's shoulder. "It's okay, I'm here and you are safe with me." Jamie nodded.

"It's a cute skirt, in a lovely soft pastel blue that comes to just above my knees. It'll show off my legs and make them look great."

"Thats sounds wonderful Annette, are you sure I can't loan you the money?"

The barrier crossed now, Jamie sat fully upright and opened his eyes. His eyes were moist with barely suppressed tears.

"Doc, I'm a woman. I've known it for most of my life. My dad used to beat me whenever I acted too much like a girl. It's why I've been trying to kill myself. I couldn't take living the lie that my life was. I'm just so afraid of being myself, of being a freak." At this point Annette broke down and tears flowed down her face and onto her shirt.

"It's okay Annette, you're safe. I won't let anyone hurt you. Dr. Haines understands and she will help you." John looked over at the doctor and she nodded. The slight smile she gave him made him feel that maybe she did not dislike him after all.

"Annette, I'll do whatever I can to help you discover what is right for you. Now that you have admitted the truth about your problems to me I really can begin to help you."

Annette lifted her head and looked at the doctor, tears still streaming down her face. "Do you really mean that Doc? You can help me?" she said sniffing between words.

"I can help you to help yourself. To help you figure out what is the right path for you. If becoming a woman is what you truly want and need to do, then I can help you with that too."

"Now can I ask you how much of your time is spent as Annette?"

"Whenever I'm at home. The only time I'm not is when I leave home. I'm not ready for anyone else besides John to see me, so I dress and try to act as James then."

"So has becoming Annette changed your relationship with John?"

"I guess we're closer. Mostly because I'm the real me, not the pretend person I used to be."

"Have you considered being with John as Annette?"

"I'm not sure I get what you mean?"

"I mean do you have any romantic feelings for John?"

"NO!" Her motion ever so slightly away from John was not unnoticed by the doctor. "He's like my best friend. My brother or something like that. Lover? I've never been with anyone and I've never really thought much about it. I was more concerned about killing myself than things like relationships."

"So you would never consider being intimate with someone like John, someone who you trust completely, someone who accepts Annette completely?"

"No, I just want to be me. I'm not ready for romance, at least not until I'm completely comfortable being the real me. Maybe some time in the future I'll think about relationships, when I'm sure about me and I decide to stay living as me. Even then I don't want a physical relationship until after I've had sex reassignment surgery."

The doctor noticed out of the corner of her eye that John had looked disappointed at Annette's no to the possibility of a relationship. He hid it well, but she had suspected that for him at least, there may be more to their relationship. There was also another look on his face when Annette mentioned surgery. It was so fleeting, that she could not quite tell what it was.

"So do you still want to die?"

"I don't think so. Being Annette, being me, makes me want to try living for once in my life."

The doctor looked at her clock. "Well I didn't get as far as I wanted with this session as I would have liked. Annette, will you still need John to come in and be with you at our next session?"

"I, I don't know. His support gives me the courage I lack within myself."

"I think it would be best if you tried the next one without him. I know your secret now and I think between the two of us we can move forward together. You will need to do this for yourself at some point, he can't always be here to hold your hand for you. However, if you still really need him we can invite him to the session after that. Is that fair?"

"I guess so."

"So I'll see you tomorrow Annette, a half hour earlier. I'd like to try and make up some of the time we missed today. John, I'll see you next week at your regular time."
 

---

 
Chapter 9: The Real World
 
 
"I'll see you now John." called Dr. Haines, ushering him into her office.

She felt his sessions were as much about him now as Annette, as she had discovered some of his issues and was subtly trying to help him, and through him, her.

"Hi Doc." He said somewhat ill at ease.

Like most people he was uncomfortable around doctors and especially psychiatrists. However his behaviour showed a bit more apprehension than she would normally expect, almost like a schoolboy caught doing something wrong and being sent to the principal's office.

Once they were both settled into their respective chairs she got right into their session.

"So John let me see your journal." She spent a few minutes reading through the latest entries. They had become quite boring. Annette was from these journal entries, the doctor's and John's observations, coming along quite well. She was happy, productive and really enjoying her life from within the confines of the apartment she shared with him.

The thing that most impressed the doctor is that she seemed to have forgotten all about killing herself. However all it would take would be the slightest comment or action by someone and Annette could easily give in to her old desire.

"I can't tell you how pleased I am with Annette's progress. It's like she is a different person now."

"I know Doc. Jamie was never this happy. There was always some seriousness that held his happiness in check. Annette seems to love life."

"That brings up a point I want to cover with you. The true test for Annette is if she can still feel this way without the drugs she's on. The funding for the drug trial is just about over. So no matter what, I have to get her off these drugs and back to standard drug therapies."

"Oh." He thought about things for a minute. "I think she will be okay without the drugs."

"But you can't be sure can you?"

"Of course I can't."

"And neither can I."

"I'm going to start reducing her use of the drugs starting tomorrow. I'm not going to tell her that I'm doing this. I'll start to slowly replace some of the drug with saline so that she thinks she's getting the full amount. What I want you to do is pay close attention to her moods. She will end up being a bit moodier, but what I want you to pay particular attention to is if she starts to withdraw from you or starts getting negative about things. However you can't be obviously watching her any more closely than normal or you might tip her off that something's changed."

"I can do that Doc."

"I know you can, that's why she's still living with you and why I still have you reporting to me about how she is doing when she's away from me."

"Doc, I've got a question."

"Yes."

"What do I do if it looks like she's relapsing or going to hurt herself?"

"If it's a mild relapse and she is no imminent danger, leave me a message on my service, but keep a close eye on her, don't leave her alone. If it looks serious and you don't think you can keep things under control, call nine-one-one and contact me at my service and let me know where she's being taken. You still have the number for my service?"

"Yes, it's in my cell phone and that's never far from me."

"Good. I don't think anything will happen though. I think she's found herself and that will give her the strength to go on despite the almost certain setbacks that will come her way."

"So what happens to her once she's off the drugs?"

"Well she has asked for hormones. I told her I couldn't give her those until she was completely off the experimental drugs. There are also a couple of other hoops she will have to jump through before she can start them though."

"So how much will hormones affect her?"

"At her age, not too much. Her skin will get softer, there may or may not be significant changes in her body hair. She will require electrolysis to remove the facial hair that she has. There will be varying degrees of fat and muscular changes, it depends on the individual. She will develop breasts probably a cup size or two smaller than her mother's. She will also have a good chance of becoming impotent and may not be able to have an erection or ejaculate."

Dr. Haines carefully watched John's reaction to this bit of information. He did react, but was it the reaction of a man afraid of something like that happening to him, or was it because of an interest in what would be Annette's unique physical nature during her transition?

"There will be emotional changes brought on by the hormones as well. Again it varies by individual and you will need to be aware of those and report those back to me."

"Will do Doc."

"Good. Don't expect any changes tomorrow, but certainly by the weekend you should be able to see some minor changes in her moods because of the reduced dosage."

The slow withdrawal from the drugs was not without its bumpy moments, but nothing serious. Within two weeks Annette was without the drugs and still quite happy with her life. For the first time in a long time she was living fully in the real world, able to experience her emotions without the veil of the drugs influencing what she felt or how she saw the world.

"I've been off the drug for a month?"

"You've been off the full dose for a month now. You've only been off the drug for two weeks."

"But those shots you've been giving me?"

"Have just been saline. I was observing how you reacted to the slow withdrawal of the drugs. You've done far better at this stage than I thought you would when you started with this research project."

"I'm totally off the drug? I didn't even notice."

"Yes you are." The doctor watched Annette carefully, gauging her emotions as the ramifications became apparent to her. Her reactions only reassured the doctor that her patient was well on the road to recovery.

Annette thought about this for a moment and realized something important. "When can I start my hormones?" She was almost jumping out of her seat in excitement at the thought of being on female hormones.

"Soon. I need to make sure that you're able to handle things without the drugs first. If you don't show any signs of reverting to your suicidal tendencies, then I'll recommend that you start HRT."

"Oh." The look of disappointment on her face almost made the doctor reconsider right then and there.

"Even then you still need to be medically evaluated to make sure the HRT won't aversely affect your health."

"I understand doctor." she sniffed as she struggled to keep her tears in check.

"I'd also like you to consider attending our meetings dressed as yourself instead of James."

That brought her tears to a screeching halt. Suddenly her fears threatened to overwhelm her.

"But if I'm me in public people will laugh at me, or worse hurt me."

"Who was the only person who ever hurt you for being your true self?"

"My father."

"So John never hurt you for being Annette?" she shook her head no. "As a matter of a fact he's been your strongest supporter hasn't he?"

"Yes, I guess. But Bull hurt me!"

"From what you've told me and the old news reports I found he was as much a victim as you were. You also admitted to me that you deliberately provoked him to the point where he would kill you. If you had stayed out of his way, kept a low profile he may never have laid a finger on you. So you can't use him as an example. So who else has ever hurt you for being different?"

Annette remained silent for a long time. She knew there was really only ever her father who had physically hurt her. There were taunts and other things said about her all through her life because she did not behave like a normal male.

"Do you know how many transsexuals are regularly on this campus?"

"I've only ever seen me."

"There are currently seventeen transsexuals who are registered here for treatment and medical follow up. That doesn't even include the ones that we don't know about who are totally stealth, but living full-time in their preferred gender."

"That many?"

"Yes. As I said there may be more that we don't know about.

"Now how many of them do you think have reported threats of violence, attacks or harassment against them while they've been on this campus or have been threatened, attacked or harassed by someone on or associated with this campus?"

"Half of them, maybe more?"

"Only one in the last two years, and that was by a bitter ex lover, who could not accept the fact that they were changing their sex. So it really amounted to a domestic dispute because of their transition."

"Unless you provoke someone or insist on hitting on someone who's definitely not interested in you, the odds are you will be noticed, but basically ignored by everyone on campus."

"Do you really think so?"

"Yes I do. You don't have to take my word for it. Some of the transsexuals being treated here get together Saturday afternoons for informal group sessions, no psychiatrists allowed. They talk about their issues and they help each other. I can ask them if you could join in for a session or two if you want?"

"They would let me in? But, I'm not ready to be Annette in public yet?"

"I didn't say you had to be dressed as Annette to attend. They've all been where you are at one point, so they'll understand how you feel now."

"Can I think about it for a bit?"

"Of course you can. No one can make you change your sex or make you become something or someone you do not want to be. It will always be your choice how far you take this and when. But if you're serious about this it's something you will need to face at some point.

"So how do you feel about things now that you know you're off the drugs?"

"Truthfully if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have noticed. I must be pretty slow if I missed the after effects of the shots not being there."

"Well it was a gradual withdrawal, without your knowing it was happening. So you probably reacted as you always have, basically a placebo type of effect."

"Hm, maybe that explains it. But to answer your question. I guess now that I think about it things do seem a bit different. The way I experience them and feel about them, has a different emphasis. But I guess it has all been new to me since I've started being me at home. I'm happier about me and I see the world around me differently because of it. So where does my new life end and the withdrawal from your drugs begin in the way I perceive everything? I just don't know Doctor Haines? What I do know is that I'm finally ready to try living now."

"I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear you say that and mean it now."

"Truthfully Doc, I never thought I would ever feel like I want to live."

"I would like to get back to how you've been feeling. John reported to me that you were a bit upset about a week into the withdrawal regime. Can you tell me why?"

Annette thought for a moment and then realized what John must have been referring to. There was no way she was going to tell the doctor or him what was bothering her, at least not yet.

"I'm sorry Doc, but I'm still angry about what was and is bothering me, and until such time as I've sorted through my own feelings and I am no longer angry about it, I'm not going to tell you or even him about it."

"It could be very significant and affect your treatment."

"You know that's what I thought at first. It would certainly appear that way too if you look at it simplistically, but the more I've thought about things the more convinced I am that in the grand scheme of things it was just a catalyst, nothing more. When I have dealt with my own feelings and am no longer angry about it, when I'm fully rational about it, then I'll let John or you in on it."

"You don't seem to be angry about it now."

"What things look like and what they are, is often two very different things Doc. You of all people should know that."

"Yes I do. I'm a bit concerned about you holding back on me though. I'm worried that this might be more significant than you realize."

"Honestly, you can't help. In this particular case you would only hurt things if you tried to help. The reason I say that is because you will think it is more significant than it really is."

"I think my professional training puts me in a better position to understand what is significant and what isn't than you believe."

"For the first time in your treatment of me I have to disagree with you. Your training makes you wholly unsuited in this instance. Please be patient with me till I'm ready to let you in on it."

"What if not telling me affects my decision to recommend you for HRT?"

"If it delays things, which is the most it will ultimately do, I'll have to live with that. I won't be happy about it, but I'll have to abide by your decision. However, no matter how veiled your threat was, it won't make me change my mind about telling you or John. Just like with coming out to you as Annette, revealing this will only happen when the time is right for me to do so."

"I was not threatening you!"

"Doc, by reminding me that if you have concerns about me, that it may affect your decision to recommend me for HRT, you are indeed making a veiled threat. Especially since I am acutely aware of that fact already. I'm honestly not upset at you for that. You're doing what you believe is the right thing for me. However just because you believe you're doing the right thing for me does not always mean that you are.

"Please just accept that this is personal and I have to work it out all by myself."

The rest of the session, went pretty much in the same vein. The doctor prodding for more info and Annette trying to convince the good doctor to mind her own business.

When John walked into the apartment he knew something was up. He was not greeted by the smells of Annette's cooking.

"Annette are you here?"

"I'm here."

John followed Annette's voice into the living room where he was greeted by the sight of Jamie. He was about to say something, when she cut him off.

"Don't say anything John. I've just had a very trying session and I'm not in the mood to cook. If anything I need to do something different tonight."

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I mean that. Don't ask."

"Okay, what do you want to do tonight?"

"Can we just go out for dinner. It would be nice to sit in a restaurant and have somebody else cook a totally unhealthy meal for me for a change. It can be some greasy spoon, I don't care. I just need to get out."

"Do you want to try going out as Annette or as you are?"

She stopped and thought about it. She was just mad enough at the moment to say 'fuck the world' and go for it.

"Why the hell not? I pity anyone who says anything to me tonight. I'm just liable to rip their head off and shove it back down the bloody stump of their neck." With that she got up and went to her room to get ready.

Forty-five minutes later a not so sure of herself Annette emerged. "Um, John, maybe I'm not ready for this after all."

He knew she had to get this over with as soon as possible and decided to gently take the lead. "Come on. It may as well be now as sometime in a month or two. Besides I'll help you rip the head off anyone who says anything negative about you."

"But everyone will see I'm not a woman."

"Fuck that! You are a woman. You just have a genetic anomaly that makes you look like a guy. Anyway, I'm starving so let's get going."

"Maybe I should change. Maybe something more androgynous?"

"You look fine. Besides if people can't figure out what you are they will look longer and harder at you. Put you under more scrutiny. Give them plenty of clues and they'll stop looking at you sooner. Probably most will see a woman and that's the end of them looking at you. Some will see a man in a dress, think that's weird and forget about you the moment you're out of their sight, or the person they're with talks to them.

"Above all don't act nervous. The more nervous you are the more people will notice. Nervous people are generally up to no good and get more scrutiny. If you act normal they'll be more likely not to notice you."

"I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right."

He held out his hand to her and they walked down the hall to the door. With each step she slowed down just a bit more.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Sure you can, you've been out there hundreds of times."

"But not like this."

"Just pretend that you're wearing Jamie's clothes and that you're going out the door as him."

"Okay."

The next few steps were a bit faster. They got to within about five steps of the door when she stopped.

"I can't. I'm too scared."

"What happened to your 'fuck the world' attitude of just a few minutes ago? What happened to that anger at the doc, that made you want to attempt this in the first place?"

She just looked defeated. John figured he needed to get her anger stoked up a bit again.

"By the way what exactly did she do or say to you to get you so angry? Tell me about it."

The look in her eyes was more like the look he saw when he first arrived home. There was warning and threat both in her eyes.

'Whatever the doc did to her it must have hit a tender spot.' he thought.

"John, don't ask!" she said in a dead serious tone.

"Come on you can tell me anything."

Again he got the same look from her, far more serious than the previous one. Obviously whatever it was, it would be best to leave it alone. Although she still was not moving toward the door. So he thought he should try one more time.

"Well come on, out with it."

The look in her eyes and face this time scared him. It was like a kaleidoscope of emotions, everyone of them directed at him. Before he knew what was happening she was out the door. She tried to slam the door but the hydraulic closer would not let it move that fast.

By the time he was through the door, closed and locked it, she was halfway across the road to the park. She was so angry she failed to see the car that barely missed hitting her.

'Shit! What have I done?'

"Annette wait."

"Hey, tell your idiot girlfriend to watch where she's going. I could have killed her." The car driver yelled.

"Um yeah, will do. Thanks."

"Annette, please wait."

She did not slow down nor did she turn around she just kept going. Eventually he caught up to her. He reached out to take her arm, but she pulled away from him. So he got right in front of her. The look of anger and pain was radiating from her.

"I'm sorry. I was only trying to get you angry again so you would want to go out the door."

"What you were doing was trying to take my choice away from me again. Just like you've done since I've moved in with you."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about those stupid subliminal messages you have been playing to me each night."

"Oh shit!"

"Where did I have any choice in that?"

"I can explain."

"How do I know if this is really me and not some fantasy you have for me?"

"I just wanted to help you find your true self. You were always so feminine. That first trip to the mall, made me realize what you are inside. I just wanted to help you find yourself, to help you to be you."

"How can I be sure of that when you have so many she-male porn sites bookmarked on your computer? How can I be sure when you have instructions on how to make those damn subliminal messages. Bookmarked links to sites that will tell you how to make someone do whatever you want."

John turned white as a ghost. He had everything password protected on his computer. How did she get into his computer?

"How can I be sure you're not trying and make me over into some kind of she-male fuck fantasy that you have?"

"I'm sorry Annette. All I ever wanted to do was to help my best friend want to stay alive. To give you a decent place to live. All I wanted to do was help you find the real you. I thought I knew what was best and I was wrong and now I've hurt you."

At this point he walked over to a park bench and sat down with his head in his hands and he cried like he had not done since he was a child. He did not care about anything at this point. He had hurt his best friend. Doctor Haines had been right, he did not know what he was doing. In his enthusiasm and haste to help her he had harmed Annette and their friendship in the process. How could he have been so blind and stupid?

He thought about how his interference had put Jamie through a worse hell than if Bull had just killed him. Losing his family, being in and out of mental institutions. What terrible things he had caused by trying to help his friend both then and now. Jamie had been right to throw him out of his life then. If John cared about his friend now he would get out of Annette's life for good, before she threw him out again.

"John I'm not really mad at you, I'm mad at my whole life. If it wasn't for other people pushing me into the things I really want to do I wouldn't do anything. I should be the one making these decisions. I should have been the one to decide and then stick to walking out the door tonight. Instead I waffle in my own insecurities. I became totally ineffectual, until you pushed my buttons to get me angry enough to storm out of the apartment.

"About the only thing I've ever been halfway decent at is feeling miserable about my life and attempting to kill myself. Unfortunately I never figured out how to do that the right way. Something which I'm quite happy about now. Then again I suppose if I had really wanted to die I would have found a guaranteed way of doing it, instead of the flawed ways I chose.

"John those dumb subliminal messages you made didn't do a bit of good in the sense that you hoped. Oh they did help me, I used them as the excuse I needed to take the actions I needed to take. They were a kind of catalyst that allowed me to move forward. They allowed me to unconsciously blame you for my actions if things went horribly wrong. You see if I came out and people hated me then it would be your fault for making me this way. I'd have the evidence from the messages you made."

"You would have used them against me?" said a much more sober John.

"No. It was all my own mind games to do what is really in my heart. You and those messages just became a way for me to be able to do what I needed to do, where I wouldn't be at fault if things went wrong. At least that's what was going on in my subconscious. In reality I would defend you with my life."

She reached over and hugged him, right there on the park bench, in front of anyone who could see. John thought he would have be mortified to be hugged by a man in a dress, but he only felt love for his friend.

"Come on John, let's go get something to eat before we both starve."

They started walking back to the apartment to get John's car when he realized something.

"Hey you don't seem the least bit nervous at the moment. What gives?"

"Well a few minutes ago I shouted out to the entire neighbourhood that I'm a she-male and I don't see any lynching parties forming. I figure if anyone was going to get upset they would have done so by now. Besides if they come to get me I can always blame you." She said the last bit with a wink.

"I guess you're right. I didn't think about how loud we were, but I'm sure half the neighbourhood heard
us. One of the drawbacks of living in a quiet neighbourhood is that sound can travel a fair distance."

They both got into his beat up old car. "So where do you want to go?"

"Why don't we just go and get some Chinese or a pizza and take it home?"

"No way Annette. We are going out. After all this I want a proper sit down meal and maybe a beer."

He watched her carefully from the corner of his eye as he drove. The fear from earlier had not returned yet, but he was sure her nerves would come back when they went to go into the restaurant.

Where to go though? Something nice, not a fast food joint, a bit pricier and classier than what he would normally afford. But then he had been saving so much money with her home cooked meals. They both deserved a treat tonight. He had just the place.

"John, we can't eat here, I can't afford to cover my half of the bill."

"How dare you even suggest that you pay any portion of the bill. I'm an old fashioned guy and when I go out with a lady I pay. Period. End of story. No arguments accepted. Feminism be damned." He said with a disarming smile.

This brought a smile to her face. It was really good to see her smiling.

They got out of the car and headed toward the entrance. He held out his arm for her to put it in his.

"Um, John if we do that it'll make us look like a couple and I don't want to ruin your reputation or have people think you're gay because of me."

"Well in a way this is a dinner date, I'm a guy, you are a woman, so why would anyone think that I'm gay?"

"I'm being serious. People used to think I was gay back in school and you by association. I'm not going to be responsible for those old rumours about you starting up again."

"I'm sure they probably already have. You live with me. You always come across as effeminate even when you try and act like a male. I haven't been out with a girl at the university for months now. Most times when people see me with someone, they see me with you. So I don't think this will make a bit of difference to what anyone thinks."

"Well it may just convince everyone that it's true."

She had been so wrapped up in talking to him that she completely missed the fact that they were now in the lobby of the restaurant and were being approached by the greeter. She had to go through with the meal now, no backing out or she would draw more attention to herself.

"Hi, I'm Helen. Will that be a table for two?"

"Yes. Do you have a table with some privacy?" asked John.

"Over in the back corner. It's not a popular table area with the noise from the kitchen on the other side of the wall. Generally we only put people in that area when we're busy and the whole place is noisy. You'll have plenty of privacy there though. Will that do?"

"Yes it will. Thank you."

They ordered their meal and waited for their meals to arrive. Annette had been so nervous and upset that she had forgotten to empty her bladder before leaving the apartment. John could see her discomfort and realized what was going on.

"There is no one in the ladies right now, so just go in and do your business as normal. You're a woman now and dressed as one, so the men's room is not an option for you."

"I'll be okay till we get home."

"You look as though you be lucky if you make it until the meal arrives."

He was right and she knew it. She did not have a choice unless she wanted to make a mess right here in the middle of the restaurant.

'Another reluctant first.' she thought.

She entered the ladies and let out a sigh when she found it was empty like he said. She just hoped she could get finish and out before anyone came in.

She was washing her hands when the door opened. It was the woman who had seated them.

"Is this your first time out as a woman?"

Annette was stunned. What an opening line! She did not know what else to do so she just nodded afraid to speak.

"Nervous too I bet?"

Again she nodded.

"You shouldn't be too worried. You look good enough to pass a casual glance which is all most people will give you. You're not dressing to draw attention to yourself, and your look suits the female image you are projecting. Those things alone will make it easier for you."

"You should have seen my cousin the first time she went out as Crystal. Oh my God! She had dressed like a drag queen hooker with no fashion sense.", a smile played across her face as she remembered the sight of her cousin. "I tried to talk her out of it, but she insisted it was the look she wanted. Needless to say she got abuse from everyone, wherever she went. Not even the regulars at the alternative clubs gave her any slack that night. It took months before she had the nerve to go out the door again as herself. At least that time she listened to me and dressed sensibly. Things went much better for her." She was momentarily lost in her memories before she continued.

"Look all I'm saying is you've got the right look and style to not draw unwanted attention to yourself. So you don't have to be so nervous. It's your nervousness that's the biggest giveaway at the moment."

"Thank you." Annette whispered.

"Come on let me hear that voice properly. I may be able to give you some tips that might help."

"I'm sorry. I'm so nervous. This is literally my first time out of the apartment tonight."

"Wow, you've got the voice nailed. Your inflection is just like a woman's. A little deep, but there are plenty of women out there with deeper voices. So no biggie there."

"Thanks Helen, you've really bolstered my confidence. By the way my name is Annette." She held out her hand to shake the other woman's hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Annette. By the way, your handshake was perfect too. This can't be your first time out."

"Actually it is. I've always been accused of being too feminine and most people thought I was gay because of it. I was never any good at pretending to be a guy. But I have no idea how I'm supposed to act as a girl."

"Believe me you don't have a thing to worry about. You're a natural!"

"So how is your cousin doing?" she said trying to turn the subject away from herself.

Helen looked sad. "Um, she killed herself about six months ago. She was finally ready to be herself full-time but her boyfriend couldn't accept her and dumped her. That plus the rejection of most of her family and old friends was too much for her. I was about the only one in the family who accepted who she really was." Her eyes were growing moist, but she held her tears in check.

"I'm sorry Helen, I shouldn't have asked." she said feeling guilty.

"No it's okay. She's why I came in to talk to you. I didn't want the same thing to happen to you as happened to her." Her expression brightened somewhat, but there was a sadness there that had not been there before.

"Thank you. That is so sweet of you to care about me like that."

"I wish I had been there more for her. Maybe I could have prevented it from happening if I had been? Maybe I'm trying to make up for my own failure to help her by helping you?" There was a kind of pleading look in her eyes. Like she desperately needed to help Annette.

"I don't think you failed her. You accepted her as she was and that is the one thing someone like me wants most is to just be accepted. For years I hid who I was. I tried to be something that I wasn't. I couldn't take it. I tried to kill myself many times over the last five years. I was locked up for my own protection. I bumped into John again after many years and he took me in. He accepted me and encouraged me to be me. I'm finally at a stage in my life where I don't want to die anymore. Finally being me has made me want to live."

"That's really good to hear. I'd still like to help if I can, you know, to make up for what I didn't do for Crystal. Maybe learn from you all that I never got to learn from her."

"Thank you, I'd like that Helen. I don't have any female friends at the moment. The only real friend I have is John. He lets me stay in one of the spare rooms in his apartment. Unfortunately he's a guy, so I miss the female side of things, like conversation, cooking, fashion and makeup, amongst a slew of other topics and activities that make him run for the hills."

"I'm surprised he's only your roommate. It looks to me like he may be a bit more interested in you than just as a roomie. He's hardly looked at anyone but you since I seated you both. I'm no beauty queen, but most guys check me out, something he hasn't done beyond a casual glance."

"That's crazy, we've known each other since we were in elementary school. He's never even looked at a guy."

"Girl, you are definitely not a guy, in just about every non physical way I can see. However, you know him best." Her tone suggesting that Annette was wrong about John.

"Oh shit, I need to get back out on the floor. Here's my number. Call me and we'll talk."

"Thanks Helen. I'll call you soon."

Annette came out of the washroom with a spring in her step and a smile on her face. She could see a look of concern on John's face as their meals were already on the table.

"Are you okay? I was almost ready to send out a search party."

"I'm doing great. I just made a new friend in Helen. She wants to help me too. She also told me the same thing you did, that if I don't stop being nervous I'll draw too much attention to myself. She said I'm doing quite well otherwise."

"So you'll listen to another woman, but not me?"

"Of course, I always listen to the smarter sex. Guys are only good for changing tires and getting things down from the top shelf."

"Both of which you are more than capable of doing for yourself."

"But if I have you around I don't need to do either, do I?" she said batting her eyelashes at him.

"Help, I've created a monster!" he said, shaking his head and looking up at the ceiling.

"Nope. You've just helped an ugly caterpillar come out of her cocoon and realize she's more than she thought she could ever be." With that she got up and went around to him and hugged him.

"I'll never be able to repay you John." She returned to her seat again.

"Seeing you happy and alive is all the payment I need.

"Can I ask you something Annette?"

"Yes, of course."

"How did you get into my computer?"

"Easy. Your power on password is easily bypassed by a jumper on the desktop's mother board. Since the case for your computer isn't locked it was a simple matter to open the case and move the jumper to the bypass position. The password for your user account was simple. All I had to do was look at your login wallpaper and make an educated guess." She shook her head. "You and your comic book addiction. Now I know you're a lazy person when you type, so the password had to be all uppercase or all lowercase. I got it on the first try."

"Damn, I really am that predictable, aren't I?"

"Well only to me I think. I've known you too long and I know all of your habits."

"I'm not sure if that's comforting or not.

"Well for me it is. Oh, I also saw all of the scripts you wrote for those subliminal messages so I know you were not trying to take advantage of me or do anything to hurt me." She reached out and held his hand. "Thank you for doing everything you could for me, even if you went about it the wrong way."

Annette almost wanted to giggle at John's expression. He looked like a chastised schoolboy, standing in front of the class, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"Um, Why did you go onto my computer in the first place? Did you suspect something?"

"I never consciously knew about the messages. I needed to burn a Linux operating system CD. My computer doesn't have a CD burner in it, just a reader. I also needed to download the ISO file. As soon as I called up your web browser to download the ISO, your favourite start page came up and that was a bit of a shock."

John was very embarrassed by that. He chided himself for being so stupid to set his home page to a porn site. Especially one that related to Annette's condition.

"I wasn't going to tell you any of this until I was ready. You pushed me into telling you before I wasn't so emotional about it."

"I'm sorry. I was only ever trying to help you."

"I know. I'm sorry I broke into your computer. I won't do it again, I promise. You are still my friend John, despite my anger earlier. I certainly don't want to ever lose your friendship.

"Just don't do anything like what you've been doing ever again. From now on I have to be the one to make the decisions in my life. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Now let's enjoy this meal before it gets any colder."

The rest of the meal was eaten mostly in silence. Somehow their relationship had again changed in a way that neither of them could completely fathom. She knew she was now not as dependent on him for her strength. Tonight had shown her that she had more strength than Jamie ever did. It was Jamie that had been stopping her from going out the door. She realized that she no longer needed him at all.

She also was not nervous about being seen as herself. Well not at much as she had been. She was not sure she could pull off being Jamie again. Being herself felt so much more real and took way less concentration and energy. She knew she would be read easily. She knew she would eventually draw very unwanted attention from some bigoted fool. However she knew that people would be more likely to accept her now, since she could now accept herself. Jamie was always wrong and most people felt it instinctively and did not want to associate with him because of it. She may not be physically the woman she was mentally and emotionally, but she was sure that people would accept her more readily than they could him.

They were just about to leave when she thought of something important. "John, do you mind if I give Helen your phone number? I wouldn't answer your phone in case it was one of your parents, but she could leave messages for me on the answering machine."

"Yeah sure."

"Thank you. I'll be right back." She got up and hugged him and gave him a quick peck on his cheek before running off in search of Helen.

He sat there a bit stunned. He had gotten two hugs and now a kiss from her. He wondered if that meant anything. Maybe she had feelings for him? He was not sure. He unconsciously reached up and touched the spot where she had kissed him.

"Hi Helen. John said I could give you his phone number, since I don't have a phone or a cell yet. I won't answer his phone, but you can leave a message and I'll get back to you. Oh, can I have a piece of paper and something to write with."

"Here you go." Annette wrote down the number and handed it to her.

"Thank you. By the way, take it easy on the poor guy. He looks like you just hit him with a sledge hammer."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at him. He doesn't know what that hug or kiss you just gave him meant."

"Don't be silly he knows we're only friends."

"I think you need to make sure he understands that."

"But he knows I'm only attract...." She was about to tell Helen that John knew she was only interested in girls, but thought she might lose her new friend if she learnt that fact too soon.

Helen however noticed the hesitation and figured out what it meant. "You aren't attracted to guys are you?" she whispered.

Annette realized she had just made a big mistake and ran to the washroom and locked herself into a stall. She held onto her sobs until the other occupant of the washroom left and then her tears started in earnest.

She realized she was not alone when a box of tissues appeared under the door to the stall with a hand attached. It was Helen's hand.

"Thank you." she said through her sniffling.

"Annette. I don't care about your sexuality. Knowing that you like women doesn't affect my wanting to be your friend or help you in any way. I just want to make sure you don't follow in Crystal's footsteps. I can't help her anymore, but I am sure I can help you. Even if it's only by being a friend."

"You really mean that?"

"Yes I do."

She lowered her voice. "Besides I'm bi, but please don't spread that around. I have a colleague here that would be very nervous and possibly cause problems if she knew.

"People attract me with their personality mainly, not so much their physical presence. Although it sure doesn't hurt if they have a great personality and are good looking too.

"Look, all I'm saying is that you're a nice person and I want to be your friend and help you however I can."

Annette dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose again before opening the stall door. When she came out she wondered why Helen had a weird look on her face.

"What?"

Helen just turned her so she could see herself in the mirror. Her eyes went wide at the state her ruined eye makeup was in. She looked at Helen's face in the mirror and they both burst out laughing.

"Oh no! This is going to take me a few minutes to get fixed again. Could you let John know I'll be a while before I'm ready to leave?"

"Sure thing."

"Helen?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now get that face of yours decent again. I'll keep loverboy from getting too worried about you."

She looked up at the loverboy comment and caught Helen winking at her. So she just stuck out her tongue.

"Very unladylike." This just got the two of them giggling again.

"Hurry up." said Helen as she walked out of the washroom.

Ten minutes later her makeup was repaired again. When she came out of the washroom she could see Helen talking to John. When he caught sight of her his expression lit up. Helen immediately knew the cause and turned around and winked at Annette.

'Is she right about John wanting more than friendship with me?' she thought.

"Is everything okay? Helen said you needed to freshen up."

"I had a catastrophic makeup malfunction."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry about it. Everything's okay.

"I'll call you tomorrow Helen."

"If you don't, I'll call you."
 
 

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Constructive criticism and feedback greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Arwen's Tears

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