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Chapter 01: The Fight
 
 
"Did you hear that Bull's got it in for James Robinson?" said Jessica, nervously checking to make sure no teachers were nearby and had overheard.

"Bull's got it in for just about everyone who's different in any way.

"I'm not surprised to hear that he's got it in for James. He is just too gay, and Bull especially hates anyone who's gay." replied Carmen.

"I don't know that he is gay. I've never seen him look all goo goo eyed at a guy. He almost always gets ultra shy around us girls though."

"Yeah....But look at the way he moves and talks."

"I don't think he acts particularly gay and even if he is a bit, oh, I don't know....girlish maybe, it doesn't mean he's gay."

"Jess, you are crazy, he's definitely gay."

John Mills could not hear the rest of the conversation as the noise between classes in the high school hallway drowned it out as the two girls moved down the hallway and were lost in the crowd. He finished at his locker and headed to his next class.

'This is not good.' thought John.

Jamie and he had been friends until a few years ago when John's dad had read the riot act for hanging around with him because of the gay rumours. John's dad was a cop and as was typical for a lot of cops there was too much emphasis about being a so called real man, no sissies or faggots allowed! Fortunately John's dad was not as bad as his colleagues.

John had heard his dad tell the story of a fellow officer who was humiliated into quitting his job because the rumour spread that his son was gay. Then there were the two gay officers that had filed a lawsuit against the department over discrimination because they were gay. They won, but were eventually forced to leave the department because of threats to their lives. No one could prove who was behind it. He got the impression from his dad that the threats and cover-up went all the way to the top of the department. His dad was not one of them and had thought about looking for work with another police force in the area as he did not like what was going on. However moving to another police department meant he would lose seniority, plus a host of benefits that just were not offered in the police departments of nearby smaller communities. So his dad elected to put up with things unless it got worse.

"Son, I may not like or understand gay people, but I'm a cop and the law says they have the same rights as everyone else. So I'll defend them to the extent the law says I must. As for your friend James, I don't care if he is gay or not, if the guys at work find out that you're hanging around with someone who's supposedly gay, whether it's true or not, they'll think you're gay too and it will make working there impossible. So find a new friend."

That ended their seven year friendship. John had been feeling the heat at school because of his association with Jamie and did not like the rumours that were being directed at himself. His dad's talk only made the decision to abandon Jamie even easier. Yet he had always felt guilty about ending their friendship. He honestly did not know if Jamie was gay or not. Certainly he had never hit on John. They had just been best friends since they started in the same school together. They would also talk about girls, and to use the term that Jessica had used earlier, he would go all goo goo eyed when he mentioned certain girls.

"Yeah, Bull and his posse are going to get James after school today. I heard they are going to wait for him in the park he cuts through to go home."

"That's bad news. There are too many places to have a fight out of sight in there. Bull's not the sharpest knife in the drawer but even he won't go too far if things happen in a public place. In the park though, out of sight, he just may kill the poor guy."

All day John had been hearing similar things. The whole school population was buzzing with what was about to happen to Jamie. Of course everyone was scared of Bull and made sure that the teachers did not get wind of what was about to happen. Most of the school was in support of Jamie, as no one but his buddies liked Bull. Despite that no one would do anything to help him. Everyone was terrified of the consequences should Bull find out they interfered. No one would go near the park either, not wanting to witness events and become Bull's next target of intimidation. Jamie was on his own.

John was not worried, he knew that the news would reach Jamie and that he would be as far away from where Bull was waiting for him as possible. One thing he was not, was stupid.

At the end of classes that day the whole school hung around watching as Jamie headed out the exit that would lead him to the park. John could not believe that he would be so crazy. Bull was mean, stupid and petty. He did not change his hatred of someone even if they stood up to him. Once Bull had it in for you there was not a thing you could do to change it until he got his satisfaction. Normally that was someone ending up in hospital. John could never figure out how Bull stayed out of juvenile detention.

John left from a different exit and ran as fast as he could down a side street and got in front of Jamie. He was still trying to catch his breath when Jamie arrived at his location.

"Jamie. Don't do this. When Bull's finished with you, you'll be in the hospital or worse." He said between the huffs and puffs to catch his breath.

"What's it to you? Why should you care about what happens to me?"

Then his expression changed a bit, softened as he remembered the friendship they had once had. "Thanks for caring at least a little, John. Goodbye." With that Jamie walked past him and headed toward his rendezvous with Bull.

'What the fuck?'

It looked like Jamie did not care about what was about to happen to him. He also had a strange look in his eyes. It may have been a few years since they were close but John still knew Jamie and whatever that look was it was not good. Something was very wrong here.

John pulled out his cellphone and sent a text message to his father asking him to call him on his cell as soon as possible. A few minutes later his dad called.

"What's up kiddo?"

"Dad, Bull's going to kick the shit out of James Robinson in a few minutes time."

There was a big sigh on the other end of the line. "When and where?"

"In the park off Phillips Street any time now."

"Are you sure that this is going to happen? If I roll units and nothing happens there will be hell to pay for both of us."

"I'll go there and keep out of sight. If I see it looking bad I'll send you a text, how's that?"

"Okay. Be very careful, Son, Bull's one screwed up and dangerous kid. His father has enough money and influence that most of the past charges were dropped? If we can catch him in the act this time we can probably move him up to adult court and put him away for a long time, despite his father's influence."

"I'll make sure I stay well out of sight in the background. No one will know I'm there."

"I don't want you getting mixed up with any of this so I'll just say I got an anonymous tip. If you need me to roll just send a text, saying that you've made up your mind and want the pepperoni pizza. If we need an ambulance as well, then make it a Hawaiian pizza. That way it will look like this call was to do with dinner tonight."

"Pepperoni or Hawaiian it is. If things blow over I'll let you know."

"Just keep out of sight."

"Will do Dad."

John hurried along to the park as fast as he could. It would be easy for him to hide from Bull and his crew. The park was a favourite place for fights and evading the police, as areas of it were well hidden from the surrounding streets and houses, no one would know there was a fight going on except those involved. He had an idea where Bull would prefer to fight Jamie. Not that it could ever be considered a fight.

As he neared the park he could see that Jamie was in front of Bull and his gang. Nothing was happening yet. John just hoped that Bull's brain cell had somehow miraculously divided into two and doubled his IQ.

"Maybe he will just try and scare the shit out of him?" even as he said this the group began walking toward the area John expected Bull to use.

"Fuck!"

John ran down a side trail and slowed when he neared the spot. Carefully he made his way through the brush until he was near enough to see and hear what was going on, but remain hidden from view. From what he could see Jamie was passively standing in the middle of the group. He did not even look scared. Bull reached into his pocket and pulled out a camcorder and tossed it at one of his buddies.

"Record this. I want to enjoy it over and over again."

"Now admit you are a faggot and I'll make this short and painful. If you don't I'll make you suffer for as long as I can." Jamie just stood there passively, not moving a muscle or saying a word.

"Come on faggot, admit it." said Bull waving his fist in his victim's face.

Again he did not do a thing.

"Tell my buddies what you were doing in school....blowing kisses at me, winking, licking your lips and staring at my cock." Bull seemed to be getting more angry by the second because of the silence and lack of obvious fear.

"Admit that you were coming on to me." Bull was turning red in the face. "Admit it faggot!"

Still Jamie did nothing. Not even blinking. There was not even any fear in his eyes or his body language.

John could not believe the speed with which Bull delivered the kick to Jamie's chest. It launched him into the air and he landed in some blackberry brambles about a metre or so behind.

Bull raced over and dragged Jamie out of the brambles. It was clear to John that the wind had been completely knocked out of his friend. There were cuts from the bramble thorns that had already begun to bleed. His clothes were certainly torn in places.

"Admit you're a faggot!" Bull yelled at him.

If he was not being held up he would have been lying in a heap as he gasped to get air back into his lungs. That he was also quite incapable of answering Bull's demand, did not seem to matter to the bully. The punch that landed on Jamie's jaw looked like it sent some teeth flying and blood soon started coming from his mouth.

Still he did not make a sound or do anything. Bull was losing his cool. No one had ever acted this way before. By now they were all begging for mercy and doing whatever Bull wanted. He loved to hear them beg. He loved to hear them promise him anything if he would only leave them alone. They all got the shit kicking they deserved regardless of how much they begged, pleaded or promised. The problem was that the faggot before him was not doing anything. Was not giving him the satisfaction he required. This made him all the more angry.

John recovered from his shock and sent the Hawaiian text message to his dad, hoping that he was not far away. He was horrified by what he was seeing. Jamie's continued silence seemed to be driving Bull's fury to unheard of heights. If John's dad did not get here soon his friend would be dead.

A few of Bull's posse were also getting frightened by what they were seeing. This was going way beyond anything they had seen him do before. Several of them tried to pull him off Jamie, but got knocked flying by Bull in his rage. Moments later there was the sound of sirens. The posse looked around and knew they were in deep trouble if they were caught here with Bull. Like rats leaving a sinking ship they ran. The guy with the camera, shut it off and hid the camera under some leaves before running into the woods. He barely missed running right through John's hiding place.

Within minutes the police had found the location. Bull was so lost in his assault on Jamie that he did not even notice that he was surrounded by a dozen officers, all with guns drawn. Two officers tried to haul Bull off Jamie's unmoving body, but both went flying as Bull easily threw them off. Moments later Bull was twitching on the ground as he was tasered into submission. Once Bull was subdued the ambulance crew was called in to look after Jamie.

John could see his dad and a few of the other officers moving around and checking the area for evidence. Within a few moments his dad was near his hiding spot, having followed the trail of the fleeing camera operator.

"Dad do you still want me to stay hidden and completely out of this?" he whispered to his dad when he was close enough to hear.

"Definitely. If we don't nail this kid I don't want you in his cross hairs."

"Okay, well about three metres in front of me there is a video camera hidden under a pile of leaves. If it was working you should have everything you need."

"Good work. I'll make sure the guys all are looking the other way when you slip away from here."

John's dad moved forward toward where the camera was hidden and started kicking around in the leaves.

"Hello, what do we have here? Dan, do you have an evidence bag on you?"
 

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Chapter 2: The Recovery
 
 

"It has been two weeks since we first told you of the vicious beating of James Robinson. We are happy to report that James is now showing signs of waking from the coma that resulted from this brutal attack. Doctors are very hopeful that he will make a complete recovery. The Robinson family still is not commenting, asking that people respect their privacy. With each new revelation into the beating, community outrage has grown. We have previously told you of bribery and witness intimidation to get charges against Brian "Bull" Trent dropped. It has also been discovered that someone in the Prosecutor's office was being paid off to give the names and addresses of witnesses over to the Trent family. The latest information uncovered is a history of physical, mental and medical abuse by Bull's father, William. From an early age Bull has suffered extreme beatings and mental abuse to make him the type of man his father wanted him to be. We have also learnt that when Brian was a young child he was diagnosed with a partial androgen insensitivity that left him smaller and weaker than other boys. William Trent has illegally used growth hormones and anabolic steroids on Bull to ensure he developed. Doctors, both medical and psychiatric are only beginning to unravel the damage that has been done to Brian Trent. Given the level of mental and physical abuse there is some concern that he will never be able to function normally in society. There is also a fear that Brian will soon be suffering health problems because of the types and doses of medication his father subjected him to. With Bull and his father behind bars, victims, including William Trent's own wife and daughter, have come forward with tales of threats, violence and horror. We may never know just how many people's lives have been hurt by these two people. As much as "Bull" Trent needs to be punished for his actions, it is clear that Brian Trent was as much a victim as James Robinson. This is Silvia Martin reporting."

John nervously approached Jamie's hospital room. With all of the media coverage he was afraid that there would be a cameraman or a reporter lurking around to snap a photo of him. His father still did not want him involved with what happened to his friend.

If it was not for Jamie's mother calling him and letting him know that he wanted to see him he would have stayed away. If his friend wanted to see him then he had a responsibility to see him. After all he had saved his friend from probable death at the hands of Bull. Of course no one but his father knew of his role in saving his friend. He just wished he had been able to do more. Be the friend he should have been for these last few years.

He knocked on the door and entered. What he saw was almost as hard as watching Bull put Jamie in this condition. Two weeks after coming out of the coma and he still looked awful. He had probably looked far worse with black and blue bruises, instead of the somewhat faded yellow and brown that were now visible.

"Hi Jamie." he said as cheerily as he could.

Jamie turned away from the window. Tears were in his eyes.

"Why did you stop him John? Why? You ruined everything. I'd hoped that you might understand." croaked Jamie.

"I couldn't let him kill you. I don't know why you even got near him in the first place. It was suicide what you did. And just what did I ruin?"

"I wanted him to kill me! Now I have to suffer through the pain of his beating and.... If you hadn't of interfered I would be free of...." Jamie paused but did not say whatever he was going to say, "Now I'll continue to suffer.

"You've made the hell of my life go on. I'll never forgive you John. I never want to see you again. Now get the fuck out of my life!"

He rolled over and looked toward the window. Before he turned completely away John could see the tears were flowing more strongly down his cheeks now.

"Jamie?"

He stood there dumbfounded not knowing what to do. He had no experience in dealing with something like this. It was beyond what he was capable of comprehending. How could someone want to die? Worst of all Jamie was blaming him for saving him, like it was some unforgivable crime.

"Jamie? Talk to me. Why would you want to die? No matter what I'm still your friend, please talk to me."

Jamie pressed the call button and in moments a nurse appeared.

"What's the problem James?"

"Keep him away from me. I never want to see him again."

"Jamie?"

"Okay whoever you are it's time to go!"

"Jamie please talk to me!" John implored.

"If you don't leave right now I'll call security and have you thrown out."

"Jamie."

"Okay, that's it. I'm calling security."

"I'll go, but I want to know why he wanted Bull to kill him."

Jamie began crying harder and started grabbing and pulling tubes, wires and stuff from his body. John stood there stunned and watched as his friend tried to harm himself.

"Get the hell out of here now!" yelled the nurse as she shoved him out the door of the room. "Suicide attempt in room six. I need help now!" she called toward the nurses station before running back into stop Jamie from causing himself further harm.

When the panic had faded and all but a few people had left the room the nurse came out with a doctor and pointed to John. After a brief discussion the doctor came over.

"Is Jamie okay Doc?"

"He didn't manage to do much damage. We've got him sedated and restrained.

"Now young man just exactly what did you say to my patient to make him want to kill himself?"

"I only asked him why he wanted to die."

"Why would you do a thing like that?"

"Look, I'll start at the beginning and let you try and figure it out because I don't know what's going on.

"For a long time Jamie and I were best friends. As we got older he didn't act quite the way that other guys did and people started to think he was gay and me by association. My dad didn't like that and told me to drop him as a friend. I was also taking a lot of heat in school, so I stopped hanging around with him.

"The day that Jamie was beaten up I saw him leaving school in the direction where Bull was waiting for him. He had to know that Bull was waiting for him there, the whole student body did. Everyone was so afraid of Bull that no one even tried to interfere. I ran ahead of him and tried to get him to go home by a different route. He just said goodbye and continued on his way to where Bull was.

"I heard about what happened to him from my father, who was one of the officers that arrested Bull. Like everyone else the only stuff I know at this point is what I've found out on the news.

"Anyway, last night Jamie's mother called me and said he wanted to see me. So I came in as asked.

"He accused me of being the anonymous tipster and making the hell of his life continue. He made it sound like he wanted Bull to kill him. Then he told me to leave. I tried to talk to him some more but he just called the nurse in and asked her to remove me.

"I said I would leave but only when he explained why he wanted Bull to kill him. That's when he went nuts.

"Now you know as much as I do."

"Are you seriously saying that he deliberately walked into that attack?"

"As near as I can tell from everything I know and what he just told me, yes. But it just doesn't make any sense. He would never do anything like that. Well, at least the friend I knew would never do anything like that."

"Well it's possible that if he is gay that might be why he wants to die."

"I don't know Doc, in all the time I've known him I've never seen anything that made me think he was attracted to guys. He certainly never tried to hit on me and I've not heard any other guy mention he's tried to hit on them. He just doesn't act masculine and that's why people want to believe he's gay."

"Well that may be of some help to the psychiatrist who will be looking into why he tried to kill himself.

"Oh, I'll need your name young man, so I can confirm with Mrs. Robinson that she did call you."

"I'm John Mills, Doc."

"Well John, I think it would be best if you continued to stay away from James. When he's ready, if he ever wants to talk to you, he'll get in touch with you."

"Just make sure he gets better Doc. He may not have a lot of friends, but no one I know at school or anywhere else for that matter ever wished him harm. He's just too nice a guy for anyone to hate. Maybe after this more people will want to be his friend."

John was concerned when Jamie did not come back to school. The official story was the he was so traumatized by the attack that he was getting private tutoring and would return to school when he was better. This was not the truth as John knew Jamie's family could not afford a private tutor, and the civil trial for damages against Bull and his dad had not yet happened so there was no money from any possible future settlement to pay for a tutor.

Eventually their final school year ended without Jamie returning to school. When he had tried calling, the Robinson's phone number was not in service and a visit to the house showed that it had been sold. Jamie and his family had disappeared, leaving no forwarding information that he could discover. The idea of getting his dad to do some checking was abandoned as quickly as he thought of it; it would be pointless to ask.

John's next stop would be university. He had chosen a good one, far away from home. This did two things. He got away from his dad and the hassles of having a cop as your father. The other reason was that it got him away from wondering what had happened to his old friend and his role in the tragedy.
 

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Chapter 3: A Face in the Crowd
 
 
John was halfway through his third year of university when he saw a face in the crowd, that vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He was not sure, but he thought it might have been Jamie's.

'Don't be crazy. You're so far from home and Jamie has disappeared. The odds are impossibly small that you both ended up here.' he chided himself.

It was two weeks later when he again saw the same face, but lost it just as quickly in the moving crowds of people on the campus. He still could not be sure of who he had seen as the glimpse was again far too short. From then on he kept his eyes open.

John quite literally ran into his mystery person. He was headed into the psychiatry department to meet up with his friend when he knocked someone over in his haste.

He helped his victim up off the floor and finally looked at who it was he had knocked over. "Jamie?"

"John?" said Jamie quite slowly. The look in his eyes made John believe that he was on drugs or something.

"What happened to you?"

A look of fear showed through the drug haze that held Jamie. "Um, I've got to go. I'm late!"

Before he could say anything more Jamie was off down the hallway. He was about to follow when someone called him.

"Hey John, what's up?"

He turned around and saw the friend he was meeting walking toward him. He turned back to see if he could spot Jamie but he had disappeared.

"Hey Matt. Howzit going?"

"What's up dude? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

"I just did in a way. Someone I knew from my high school. They disappeared in our last year of high school and I never knew what happened to them. Now I just sent them flying as I was rushing to meet you."

"What's your friend's name?"

"James Robinson."

"Oh." Matt's response made it clear he knew something about Jamie.

"What?"

"I'm sorry I can't tell you. He's a patient of my prof."

"Come on man, spill. The last time I saw him was in hospital and he was trying to kill himself. After that he and his family just vanished."

"No way! I'd be expelled. You want to find out anything more you have to get it from him. I can't say a word."

"Is he getting treated for drug addiction or something? He looked like he was in a really grey foggy place."

"Not drug addiction. He just got his meds. He'll be closer to normal in an hour or two."

John just stared at his friend hoping to get him to crack.

"No! I'm not going to get expelled just to satisfy your curiosity. My chosen profession values patient confidentiality and if I tell you anything more I break one of the fundamentals of what I want to be."

"I'm sorry, but he and I were best friends at one time. I'm just concerned about him. Since he vanished I've been worried about him and wondering if I could have done more for him."

"So you're the one who saved him from the guy who was trying to kill him." said Matt.

"It was an anonymous tip that brought the cops in. I just tried to talk him out of his rendezvous with Bull."

His friend studied him for a minute. "Okay, whatever you say."

He got the distinct impression his friend did not believe him. He wondered just how much Matt really knew about that day.

Two more weeks of hanging around the psychiatry department finally paid off, especially when John realized that Jamie had figured he would be hanging around the front entrance to catch him. His second day of staking out the back entrance paid off.

"Jamie can we please talk?"

There was a resigned look on Jamie's drugged hazed face. Like he had been expecting this moment to happen, but wished it never would.

"I guess I won't get any peace until we do." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "Meet me here at seven tonight."

John took the piece of paper and looked at it for a moment. He knew the location, quite public but you could still have a private conversation. Jamie was being cautious, but leaving the door open.

When he looked back up his friend had once again vanished into the crowd. "How does he do that?"

John looked at his watch, six thirty-eight. He had already been here for a few minutes, his nerves getting him here well before seven. He could not figure out why Jamie and what had happened was eating at him the way it did. It was not like it was an obsession, but he knew he would not be able to put it to rest until he understood it all. He sighed as he realized he still felt guilty. But guilty about what, abandoning Jamie or saving him? Saving him was the right thing to do wasn't it?

The park was fairly busy, as the evening was warm, and many people liked to walk the trail alongside the river. Good exercise in a clean, calm, safe environment, with nature all around you. It was also an interesting place to come and people watch. Here you did not find the put on personae you see at malls, clubs or even on campus, but real people being themselves.

He sat down on a one of the benches and stared out at the water, wondering about his friend and what might have happened to him. Not only to cause him to want to let Bull kill him, but also what had gone on since his disappearance. Soon he was lost in his own thoughts staring at the water and oblivious to all around him.

John was pulled out of his thoughts when someone crossed close in front of him and sat down beside him.

"It's so peaceful and relaxing here. I can sit and watch the water flow by for hours."

"Hi Jamie. I wasn't really paying any attention to it, I was lost in thought."

"I know, I recognized the look on your face."

"You always knew me better than anyone else. Even my own folks don't know me as well as you do." he said with a slight smile.

"I think you are still the same old John. Older, possibly smarter, but just as much the person you have always been, and as predictable as ever."

"Um, should I take that as a compliment?"

"It was neither a compliment nor an insult. I was just making an observation."

"Just how am I so predictable?"

"From the moment we bumped into each other I knew you would not give up until we had this talk and you had heard everything that you needed to hear, or that I would willingly tell you. I knew you would stake out the front of the psych building for a while before realizing I was using the rear entrance. I had that piece of paper with this location written up since that first day. I knew you would be so nervous that you would be here well before seven. I knew that you would be lost in thought instead of enjoying the scenery, either nature or the people walking past."

"Oh come on I'm not that predictable. Besides I haven't been here more than ten minutes."

"John, I was here at six, you arrived at six twenty-two according to my watch. It's now five minutes before seven."

He just fumed. He was not as predictable as Jamie was saying. He was spontaneous when the situation required it. He thought for a few moments and realized Jamie was right. He always stuck to a routine and seldom varied from it. You could probably set your watch by when he did certain things. Most of his behaviours were pretty predictable when he really thought about it.

"One of the reasons you were my friend is that you were almost completely predictable. I could read you like a book and know exactly how you would react. You're also one of the nicest guys I've ever met."

"Why would you want to hang around someone who's so predictable?"

"You are pretty dumb for someone in university you know. Tell me the names all of my friends that you knew of."

"Well there was me, then there was Tara, Julie, and....what was her name?"

"Beth."

"Yeah, Beth! That's it."

"What do most of those names have in common?"

"Besides being friends with you?"

"Yes, besides that."

"Um....let's see. None of us were overly popular in school?"

"True but that's not it. Use those grey cells John."

He sat there for a full minute thinking. "Sorry I can't think of anything else."

"Other than you, all of my friends were girls."

"Duh! How could I have missed something so obvious? You know I was always jealous of you having so many girls to hang around with."

"They were only ever friends John. For whatever reason none of us was interested in a relationship beyond that."

"Oh come on, do you honestly expect me to believe that you never even tried to kiss one of them or them try to kiss you?"

"Yes I do, they were like sisters to me. I was like their....brother. Other than sisterly hugs that's as close as we ever got."

"Okay Jamie, let me ask you this. Are you attracted to guys?"

"No, I'm scared of guys. I've been scared of them for about as long as I can remember. I can't relax when I'm around them. Gym class, the guys changing room, swimming etcetera were all an absolute nightmare for me."

"So how come you're not afraid of me then?"

"As I said, you're a nice guy. The fact that I can figure out your moods almost before you can, that I can predict your actions, makes you the one guy I've met that I always know I'm safe with. Every other guy I know was and is a crap shoot. Sometimes I can figure them out, but mostly I can't and that only makes my fear of them worse."

"So why go and stand up to Bull if you're afraid of guys. He was the one guy who you should have known would hurt you. The one guy you should definitely have been afraid of."

"I did know it. He was even easier to figure out than you. He had very few behaviours. The ones that were of most interest to me were his anger, then there was rage, then unthinking rage and finally satisfaction. If he got satisfaction while he was angry it normally meant someone with bruises. If you gave him satisfaction while he was in a rage you ended up in hospital. It was easy to figure out what his next mode was. Don't give him the satisfaction he craved and he would lose all control and his victim would end up dead.

"I'd been pushing his buttons for weeks. I knew exactly how to get him angry enough at me to want to hurt me, and I knew exactly how to make him lose control. Once he did so he would kill me.

"If you hadn't interfered I would have died that day. Which is exactly what I wanted to happen."

John looked at his friend as he spoke. There was no fear, just as when he had confronted Bull. There was no emotions at all as he explained this. He could just as easily have been reciting a recipe from memory. John still had to know the reason or reasons for it all.

"Why on earth would you want to die? I've never been able to figure that out. I know you were not popular, but you had friends, people who cared about you. So why would you want to die?"

"My reasons were and are my own and will remain that way."

"But why? I just don't get it?"

"John please don't push. I won't tell you and I'll leave if you try and pry it out of me." Jamie had said this so softly, yet the unwavering resolve was clearly evident in his voice.

"Okay, I won't ask."

"Thank you."

"So what happened to you after I saw you in the hospital?"

Jamie seemed to squirm a bit as he thought of what to say. "I tried to kill myself two more times in the hospital, before they had me committed. Since then I've been in and out mental health facilities across the country because of suicide attempts.

"My folks have disowned me because of it. I don't even know where they are anymore. I'm currently on an experimental treatment program that one of the psych professors here at the university has developed. In return for some freedom I have to attend daily therapy sessions and group sessions. I am also given an experimental drug cocktail that my psych has developed. I am given a shot once a day during my session with the professor or one of her doctoral students if she isn't available. I also have to take other drugs orally and that is supervised to make sure I actually take the medication. In return I get to stay out of a mental institution.

"If I miss any of my medication, or therapy sessions I go straight back in again. Believe me John you never want to see the inside of one of those places. I still could be sent back at any time."

"Why?"

Jamie sighed, "Despite the drugs and the therapy I still refuse to cooperate in one area; I won't tell them why I have been trying to kill myself."

"If you tell them maybe they can cure you?" John said hopefully.

"It's too personal and painful."

He could see that he needed to back off by the look on Jamie's face. "Do you still want to die?"

"I'm not sure. The drugs and the therapy sessions make things weird, some emotions or desires are completely flattened out, others seem stronger. Like coming here and watching the river. It's something I'd have liked before, but now I find it even more desirable. It's just so peaceful and calming.

"They tell me if the prof's theories, the drugs and therapy sessions work right I might be able to beat my suicidal tendencies. I'm not sure I want to beat them, but I don't seem to feel the same pressure to kill myself as I have felt in the past."

"That's good. I'll help you however I can."

"Predictable as always John. I know you really mean it too. But think carefully about that offer. I may be more than you want, or are able to deal with. I won't be offended if you take your offer back."

"You were the best friend I ever had. I lost something really important to me when I cut you out of my life. I've always felt guilty about it and I'd like to make it up to you. Who knows maybe I can find whatever it was I lost in the process?"

Jamie's eyes got all watery. "Careful John, I may just take you up on that offer."

"So do it already!"

"Okay I will. If they will let me that is."

All of a sudden neither of them knew what to say. Some threshold had been passed and they both realized that they were in territory their previous relationship had never explored. Previously they had been best friends, equals. Clearly John would now be taking the leadership role, making sure that Jamie was okay.

"So what about you, what's been happening to you since that day in the hospital?"

"Um, well, I finished high school, and decided to get as far away from my dad the cop, as possible. I wanted a normal university life, not one overshadowed by my father and his job. My friends here don't even know he's a cop, I've said he's in insurance. Anyway, so I came here on an academic scholarship and I'm doing quite well.

"Last year my father got a job as some kind of security consultant, I'm not even sure who he works for. He makes big bucks and he takes my mother with him wherever he goes. I usually only know where they have been, not where they are or what he is doing or what he was doing. Some kind of security requirement his company has.

"Anyway he makes so much money my folks pay for a nice apartment just off campus for me. It's big, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, fifteen hundred square feet, balcony and a private entrance. Everything I need is paid for. I've even got a credit card that my dad pays off each month. As long as I don't go crazy with it I can do pretty much as I like."

"Wow that sounds good. What does your girlfriend or room mate think of the place?"

"Well I don't share it with anyone. Not that I would mind doing that, I just never seem to find someone I want to share the space with. Truthfully, it's kinda lonely at times. But it does give me a quiet place to study and work on assignments. Unlike the dorm which was too noisy a lot of the time. So being on my own has its advantages and disadvantages."

"It sounds nice. I'm in a rundown halfway house. My room is barely bigger than the bed and the one dresser for my clothes. The bed in my opinion is harder than the floor. The mattress has so many stains on it I don't even like to think about what most of them are and I won't even mention the smell. The communal facilities are disgusting at the best of times. The black and white TV in the common room only seems to pick up shows from the nineteen-fifties, that is when it's even working. All in all though, it's a hell of a lot nicer than some of the asylums I've been locked up in."

"You could stay in one of my rooms. You'd have your own bathroom, a soft bed, plenty of room and privacy. I can probably get whatever else you need on the credit card without my dad noticing."

"Won't he give you grief for taking me in?"

"Not at all. I just won't tell him. Besides I haven't seen my folks since he started this job. He's jumping around from one place to the next. He said he and Mum might be able to meet up with me somewhere for Christmas this year, that is if he can swing a few days off. I'm guessing though that he won't be able to get the time off as he hasn't been able to once so far."

"So no one is even checking up on you?"

"I didn't say that. He's got a few contacts at the university who make sure I'm keeping up with my studies and not getting into trouble. As long as I keep my grades up and I'm not arrested I will probably stay under his radar. Do something stupid and I'm sure he'll be on me like a ton of bricks, even if it's on the other end of a phone line."

Three weeks of intensive questioning, forms and background checks later and John was approved to provide Jamie with a home during his treatment at the university. He could not believe the amount of questions asked of him and that he needed a police criminal records check, just to provide someone with a decent place to live. He even managed to keep his parents out of the loop which he felt was a good thing as he did not know how his father felt about Jamie after all of these years.
 

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Chapter 4: Room mates
 
 
"Welcome to your new home Jamie."

"You weren't kidding when you said it had a lot of room"

"Well it's not huge, but it's a lot bigger than I need for just myself. My parents splurged a bit. I guess having a fair bit of money available for once, they decided to provide me with something to make up for their absence."

"Still, this is way bigger than any accommodation I've had in the last few years. It's clean and doesn't reek of antiseptic. I can't tell you how much I hate the smell of hospitals or mental institutions."

"Here we go, your room."

They walked in and Jamie was momentarily lost for words. A clean room, with a soft bed, an old computer on a small desk with an Internet connection. Plenty of floor space, and no leftover unpleasant smells or permanent stains from previous occupants of the room. There was a closet, dresser and a couple of night tables on either side of the double bed all clean and neat. The window had a nice view of the quiet street where the apartment was located, and across the road there was even a neighbourhood park.

"I don't know what to say John. I'm....overwhelmed." Tears were leaking from the corners of his eyes.

"You don't have to say anything. If I can help, I'm more than happy to.

"Look I'll leave you alone for a bit. I'll be in the living room studying if you need me or want to talk."

"Thank you." he almost whispered as he wiped at the tears on his face and sniffed.

Two weeks had passed and they both settled into a routine. Jamie tried his best to keep out of John's way. Normally, after John headed off to the university, he got up and did the laundry. Since he only had the clothes on his back he had to wash them every day. When they came out of the drier, he tidied up the apartment and did the dishes. He then planned the meal for that night and took whatever meat was needed out to thaw. After everything was ready he had about an hour before he had to go for his daily sessions at the university, which he spent walking around the park getting some air and light exercise. From there it was a quick fifteen minute bus ride to the university.

His sessions with his psychiatrist had been a bit strained in recent weeks. She really wanted to know why he wanted to kill himself and he absolutely refused to reveal it. She was threatening to use some other drugs to get him to open up more, mild hypnotics in addition to the new mood stabilizers he was currently getting. He could not refuse the treatment if she insisted on it. If he did he would end up back in the hellhole again.

He had come up with a delaying tactic. He had created a lie as to why he wanted to die. It had worked for a while, but like most lies told to a good psychiatrist she soon began to see it for what it was.

"James, I know you haven't been telling me the truth about why you want to die. You've made a lot of progress, but if you don't cooperate we'll never be able to successfully complete your treatment. The funding for this won't last forever. You need to cooperate or I'll have to look at replacing you with someone else, someone who's willing to give their full cooperation."

He just sat there. He knew that if he failed to do as she asked he would soon find himself back in the place he hated more than death. His problem was he just could not find it within himself to tell anyone what his problem was, not even to avoid the place.

"I can see from your expression and body language you know what failing to cooperate means for you. Make sure you make the right decision because there won't be any second chances if you change your mind after being sent back.

"Now roll up your sleeve." He passively did as she asked and she administered the shot. Within moments the clarity of the world around him receded as the drug entered his system. He could still see, hear and think, but it was like everything was enveloped in a slow grey fog. It would take a couple of hours before the fog would lift.

"I'll see you tomorrow James."

He made his way home and lay down on his bed. The best way he had found to get through the first hours of the drug in his system was to sleep it off.

"You know I've got to be careful or I'll get fat eating your cooking."

"If you want I can make things lower calorie?" said Jamie with a worried sound in his voice.

"That's not what I meant. I'm saying that since I've been on my own I haven't eaten this regularly or this well. You are an excellent cook."

"Well thank you." he said with a visible blush on his face. "My father always frowned on my culinary skills. He always thought cooking was women's work, despite the fact that most of the top chefs seem to be men.

"But seriously John, if you want I can modify the meals to make them lower calorie or I can make the portions smaller?"

"The meals are fine the way you're making them. I need to eat properly and I should be getting exercise, instead of starving myself to keep weight off the way I have been.

"A new resolution; from now on I'm going out for exercise at least three times a week. As a matter of fact I'm going to start tonight. I'm going out for a walk in about an hour. Care to join me?"

"Sure. But I can't run or jog as the drugs make me a bit too clumsy and I end up hurting myself when I fall." John gave him a puzzled look. "The drugs make my reaction times too slow; by the time I realize I'm falling I've already hit the ground. I'm usually okay for power walking though, that is if I'm careful."

"So go get into some jogging gear and we'll head out in an hour."

Jamie, looked crestfallen all of a sudden.

"What's the matter?" There were tears forming in his eyes now. "Jamie? What's wrong?"

"These are the only clothes I have." he said and then he ran into his room and closed his door.

John could hear quiet sobs emanating from behind the closed door. Now that he thought about it, since Jamie had moved in, those were the only clothing he had seen him wear. He chided himself on his lack of observation skills.

'Some friend I'm turning out to be!' he thought.

When the sobbing had faded out for a while John decided it was time to go and talk to him. He had not wanted to further embarrass Jamie by trying to talk to him while he was crying.

He knocked gently on the door. "Jamie, I'm sorry I was too stupid to notice that those were your only clothes. We can go and buy you some extra clothing tomorrow okay? My treat.

"We'll just go for a nice easy walk tonight. What do you say?"

There was movement as Jamie got off the bed and shuffled over to the door. When he opened it John could see his eyes were red and there were still some wet spots where he had missed wiping up the tears.

"But I can't afford to pay you back. You've given me a nice place to live, a comfortable bed, food, privacy....I'm not giving you anything in return."

"Bullshit!", he said in a friendly manner so he would not upset his friend further.

"You cook the meals and clean up afterwards. You keep this place clean and tidy. You do the laundry. You provide me with conversation and company when I want it. You leave me alone when I need time to work on assignments. You don't make a sound when I need quiet. All without me even asking you.

"So don't tell me that you don't do anything to earn your keep around here. I should be paying you for the work you do here."

"You've been so kind to me by taking me in. I could never take any money from you for the little I do around here."

"Jamie, if I can't pay you then I will help you in whatever other way I can. Tomorrow we're going shopping and getting you some new clothes."
 

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Chapter 5: The Shopping Trip
 
 
They were sitting in the food court having a somewhat healthy meal at Jamie's insistence. John had not even been aware that you get something reasonably healthy at a mall food court.

"So can you please explain to me why we went into three different stores before you bought one pair of jeans? I mean jeans are jeans, right? If they've got them in your size why even bother trying them on?"

Jamie just rolled his eyes. "The jeans I tried on in the first store fit my waist perfectly but they were baggy in the hips. In the second store they fit my hips, but not my waist or backside. The ones in the third store, although a no name brand, were the best fit of the lot and decent quality. Besides they were also fifty percent cheaper than the ones in the other stores.

"Okay what about all the other clothes that you tried on and rejected. What was wrong with any of them. I couldn't tell the difference between what you rejected and what you chose to buy."

"Well some of it was fit, I don't like wearing stuff if it's a poor fit. Some of the styles were so yesterday and beyond that I wouldn't wear them. If you're going to be buying me clothes then I want to get you the best value for the money you are spending.

"Which brings me to price. Some of the stuff we were looking at was just overpriced crap. Take the last store we were in. The clothes look good and claim to be name brand stuff, but when I looked at the workmanship the seams were falling apart; poor sewing. They were probably a cheap knock off. Also the dyes probably wouldn't have been colourfast and they would have bled in the wash, not to mention the seams would have given out in a few washes."

"Okay I can get those reasons, but what about that store we were in where you rejected a bunch of seemingly identical shirts. The only difference I saw was minor colour differences. You also rejected most of the stuff I suggested for you to get."

"John you really have virtually no fashion sense at all. I bet you don't even know what a colour palette is?"

He racked his brain for a few moments and could not even come up with a good wild ass guess. "Um no."

"Not all colours work for all people. Different people have different underlying colour tones to their skin. If you get clothes that are from the right colour palette it complements your natural skin tones. If you choose clothes that don't, then you can look sickly or washed out when wearing them. Most people kinda know what their colour palette is instinctively, but some people never clue in."

Jamie reached into one of the bags and pulled out a t-shirt. He laid it out on top of the bag on the table.

"Now John, I want you to put your arm down on top of the t-shirt. Does the colour seem good to you in comparison to your skin tones?"

He did as requested. "Um, I can't see anything wrong with it?"

"Okay move your arm off to the side and I'll put my arm on it. Now look at the match between my arm and the t-shirt, then compare it with your arm and the t-shirt. Also look at the differences between our two skin tones."

John stared hard for a couple of minutes. The colour of the t-shirt did look better against Jamie's skin than his. He could see quite a difference between their skin tones.

"Okay I can see what you mean, but is it really that important?"

Shaking his head Jamie put the t-shirt back into the bag and got another shirt out. "Okay, here is something that even you will be able to understand. The shirt I'm wearing was one that was given to me by the asylum when I was sent out the door for treatment here at the university. How do I look?"

"You look okay." he just did not know what his friend was getting at.

Jamie held up the other shirt over the one he was wearing. "Now how do I look?"

The expression on John's face showed he could see something significant but could not quite put his finger on it. Jamie then lowered the shirt.

"What about now?" Again the expression showed John working it out. Again he lifted the shirt to cover the one he was wearing.

"And now?"

"That's amazing. The shirt they gave you makes you look dull, sickly. The one you bought actually makes you look brighter and healthier."

"So you can see when you want to make an impression on someone, choosing the right colours for your clothing can make a huge difference. When you add style and fit on top of that the effect can be even greater. Think about two people showing up for a job interview, one with a poor colour match like the shirt I'm wearing is to me, and the other wearing an appropriate colour for them. Even if the two candidates are equally qualified for the job, the one wearing the right colours with good fit and style, will likely get the job. That is unless there is something seriously wrong with them."

"It's a good thing I'm okay at picking out my clothes."

"Um, John, I hate to tell you this, but your wardrobe needs a lot of work to get to okay. You just see something you like in your size and buy it. You rarely try it on, and you don't check if the colours are suitable for you. When you get dressed you often choose colours that don't complement each other or you.

"You see that is another advantage of getting your clothes in the right colour palette. All of your clothes' colours will be mostly compatible with each other. You don't have to worry so much about will this colour go with that. Now many styles won't go with others, but generally speaking the colours will."

"Well what about my sense of style?"

"It's actually okay, but you need more than the two styles you have. I'll tell you what, whenever you want I'll help you go through your clothes and tell you what works for you and what doesn't. I'll also help you expand your style a bit so you've got clothing for more than just a couple of types of occasions."

"I have a feeling this is going to get expensive?"

"Not necessarily, a lot of style is to do with mixing and matching. You won't need a different wardrobe for every occasion like some women like to have, but by choosing your clothes carefully, colour, style, etcetera, and learn how to mix and match properly, you can have a wardrobe for most occasions fairly easily.

"Oh and you will need about five pairs of shoes in addition to your runners."

"But I've got a pair dress shoes and a few pairs of runners."

"There are more occasions than those two types of shoes allow for. Don't worry John we'll get you fit to be seen in public in no time." He said this with a big smile to make sure his friend knew the last was said in jest.

They sat quietly finishing their meal and people watching. Well actually Jamie was people watching, John was more surreptitiously watching him people watching. Jamie's attention seemed focused on the women around them, young, old and everything in between. His eyes scanned each of them. To John it looked almost like he was inventory taking, evaluating each for their clothing and sense of style, the way they moved. There was something more about his gaze that John could not quite identify.

At one point an attractive, mid twenties woman walked past. She was not particularly beautiful, more attractive in a classic sense. She was not tall, nor short, she was not dressed up or down, her makeup was not done to draw attention, but just to enhance her natural beauty.

He noticed Jamie sigh longingly as he looked at her. After a moment his eyes got moist.

"So she's your type?"

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I saw you looking at that girl that just walked by. She's your type huh?"

"Um, yeah. I guess you could say that.

"Come on we've still got to get some exercise clothes for me." said an embarrassed Jamie, trying to change the subject.

"We can't have you being the only one staying in shape."

An hour later they had two exercise outfits for Jamie. They were on their way out of the mall when John noticed that Jamie's attention was always drawn into the windows of the women's shops. It did not matter if it was clothing or jewellery, or even if there was any attractive woman in sight. Every window drew his gaze and he got that same look in his eyes. They walked past a lady's formal wear shop and there was a beautiful gown in the window. Jamie slowed for a moment and almost stopped to look at it. Yet after a moment's hesitation he started moving again, more quickly than before. In seconds he was ahead of John and he could just see a tear making its way down his friends face.

John was awake most of the night thinking about his shopping trip with Jamie. The things that he said, the way he behaved. It was not until about an hour or two before he had to get up that things began to finally coalesce in his mind, finally things began to make some sense to John. For the first time in his life he felt like he understood who and what his best friend was. Now all he had to do was figure out if he could do anything with this discovery to help his friend. Finally he understood the look in Jamie's eyes....longing.

He also had his bi weekly meeting with Jamie's psychiatrist on Thursday. He was not sure if he should tell her what he had noticed or not.
 
 

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Constructive criticism and feedback greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Arwen's Tears

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