Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Chapter 19

Second Chance

Tuesday morning arrived. I awoke still holding Josam tightly to my chest. She smiled at me as I gently released her. Turning over to the other side, I noticed that Teddy and Jola were still in bed with me as well. Their smiles equaled Josam’s. I gave each of them a special peck on the cheek and made my way out of bed. Off to the bathroom I ran to take care of necessities. I turned on the water to prepare my shower. I lifted my head high into the spray as I scrubbed my body clean. I felt much better by the time I’d finished. I toweled myself dry and left the door slightly ajar so the steam would escape. When equilibrium was reached, I made my way back to my room. I felt outrageous this day. I feared for my life, but decided I was going to wear my maryjanes to school today. And yes, they looked so much better atop a pair of knee highs that I granted myself no argument as I began getting dressed.

I was feeling pretty this Tuesday morning. My basic outfit in place, I returned to the bathroom mirror to apply my makeup. Was I really going to school dressed as I was? I decided at last to take no prisoners. If I added to the confusion of my fellow classmates, so be it. My hair was perfect as I sprayed it into place. A quick application of cool water and I was on my way downstairs. I knew if I thought about all that I was doing too carefully, that I’d never make it out the door. I simply acted. Breakfast eaten and lunch made (peanut butter, yuck!) I made my way back upstairs to make sure Mom was awake. Mom seemed beyond pleased with my appearance. Then again, I knew that Mom was in need of serious help. Like mother, like daughter, I laughed to myself.

I made my way out the door noticing the bright pink polish on my fingernails. I worried about others’ reactions but I smiled bravely about my overall appearance. I knocked on Sam’s door and awaited his appearance. It didn’t take long before he opened the door and stood there staring at me. "Oh Joan!" he said. "You look beautiful! Are you sure you want to go to school dressed as you are?" Hell, I wasn’t sure of anything at that point and his doubts added to my own.

"Let’s get going Sam," I said at last. He closed his own door and joined me.

"Are you sure you’re up for this?" he asked again.

"Sam, are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" I asked him totally determined to go through with it.

"No, sweetheart, not at all," he replied. Somehow, I doubted his conviction. I pushed all doubts aside and we made our way to school. I almost found myself wishing that I’d worn a skort this morning.

As we walked Sam held my hand protectively. Instead of reassuring me, his firm grip began to increase my doubts. Was I stepping too far over the line here? Was drawing this kind of attention to myself something that I wanted to do? Surely my appearance would get me sent to the school counselor’s office. My mother would be called. Knowing her current fragile state, they’d probably then try and contact my father. My pace slowed as reality sank in.

"Sam, on second thought, I don’t think I can do this," I said at last. He looked me up and down and told me that I looked really pretty this morning. "Sam, really, I’ve got to go back home and change" I said having lost all confidence and not ready to face the consequences.

"Joan, if you turn around now, you’re going to be very late."

"Late for what?" I asked. "We’re just going to attend another baby-sitting session."

It may sound bizarre, but neither Sam nor myself had ever been late to school before. He seemed determined to keep dragging me in the direction of school. "Sam, please!" I begged. He finally relented and we made our way back home. I knew that I’d one day make the trip to school dressed as I was, but I realized that timing was everything. Now, was not the time. We arrived back at my house and I asked Sam to come inside and wait for me.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because if my mother’s up, I don’t want her to see me." That was true enough, but I didn’t explain to Sam that Mom would be more upset with my changing than she’d be with my present appearance. "Your task is to keep her entertained until I can run upstairs and change," I said smiling at him.

He looked at me severely and simply muttered, "girls!"

I was beginning to feel better already. I ran in the door and up to my room like a bullet. I practically ricocheted off the walls as I bounded the stairs to my room. I unbuckled my maryjanes and removed the knee hi stockings. With socks and sneakers back on my feet, I made my way to the bathroom. I washed my face quickly, dried off with a towel, and made my way back downstairs. Sam was amazed at the speed with which I’d completed my transformation. It was becoming Joan that took time, I told him and started laughing. Fortunately, Mom had not made an appearance. She’d been in her own shower the entire time.

"Come on Sam! We don’t want to be too late!" I exclaimed as we headed back to school. I checked my watch. "We can still make it if we hurry," I told him. We had twelve minutes to cover a mile of ground. That was possible, right?

"Just shut up and walk Joan," he said gruffly. I couldn’t help but laugh at his tone.

"Thanks for coming with me Sam, you’re the best!" I told him. He smiled at me.

"I thought I told you to shut up and keep walking?" I laughed even harder this time and began doing my best impression of a "speed walker". Sam, determined not to be outdone by me, easily kept pace.

We arrived at school as the last bell was sounding. "I’ll see you later!" I shouted to him as I made my way to home room. Damn! My fingernails were still bright pink! Oh well, this wasn’t the first time I’d worn nail polish to school and I felt reasonably confident at my ability to pull it off without garnering the wrath of the administration. I ran in the door, obviously late, just as my name was called for attendance. Mrs. Pembroke looked at me severely as if considering whether or not to send me down to the front office to get a late slip. Thankfully, she just continued taking roll. I could have kissed her. I hoped that Sam hadn’t experienced any difficulties either.

In shop class that morning, I continued working on Mom’s jewelry box. I caught Mr. Ferris staring at my hands. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything. Some of the students not realizing that this was not a required project began taunting me for being way behind. I simply laughed in return. As I put my work away, I realized that I would indeed have time to finish the box before Friday’s class ended. I remembered my promise to Aunt Viv, and decided that I’d have to make it to the hardware store to price out the required materials. At last, the lunch bell peeled through the building. Should I go and sit outside again, or should I simply take my seat across from Darla. I began to wonder that if Sarah and Darla were so close, why they hadn’t sat next to each other or across from one another. It struck me as odd that Sarah sat diagonally across from her.

I made my way into the cafeteria and took my seat. Once again, Sarah looked at me with eyes that could kill. I smiled politely at her in return. "Where were you yesterday Joan, we missed you?" Sally said knowing full well what had happened. Was she taunting me, or simply trying to clear the air, I wondered? I ignored her question and simply asked her what else was new? "Well, I understand that you have a date with Darla this evening," she informed me. I had a what with whom, I wondered experiencing a brief panic attack. She started laughing and let me know that Darla had told her of my promise to accompany her to get her ears pierced. Why did she have to announce this in front of Sarah? Had I done something to piss her off?

With that, Darla broke in, "Joan, I’ll expect you at my house by 7:30."
Sarah seemed angrier than ever, if that was possible. Knowing that she’d tell Sam of my plans, I resolved to tell him as soon as possible. I flashed Sally a look that simply said "why?" with my eyes. She read it clearly and smiled back innocently in return. Maybe having friends was more trouble than it was worth, I thought at last.

"Darla, I’ll be there!"

"Are you sure you’ll have enough time to make your mommy’s dinner?" Sarah asked with sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Yes Sarah," I replied. "And, thanks for your concern." Sally began laughing gleefully at my retort. I initially took her laughter as support. The more I thought about it, I realized that it was probably something else entirely. She was trying to wind Sarah up.

The afternoon classes passed quickly. It seemed Darla had managed an "A" for the term in science, but she was less than happy with her performance. Teachers were loathe to fail students. It reflected badly on their abilities. I could almost hear an upset parent cry; "Mary didn’t fail your class. You failed her." Thus, failures were reserved for a very select few. The day over and no need to return to my locker, I quickly made my way to the front of the building. I had to get to Sam before Sarah did. "Sam!" I exclaimed as he casually exited the building. He smiled. I could never admit my ulterior motive but, I had to let Sam know before we arrived home.

"What are you doing this evening?" he asked. I began to fear that I was too late. Sarah had gotten to him already. "Well," he continued, "Billy and the idiots asked if I’d play some ball with them." He replied. I couldn’t believe that Sam would even consider consorting with them after what had happened. I walked with conflicting emotions. I was sure that Sam would take my news at least as badly as I had received his own. Finally, I realized that Sam and I couldn’t be everything to each other. I didn’t have to like his choice of friends.

"Sam, we’re not going to fight about this, are we?" I asked setting my trap carefully.

"Absolutely not Joan."

"Good!" I said and explained my promise to go with Darla that evening. He started laughing and informed me that Sarah had already told him all about it. I should have known.

"So, we’re ok then?" I asked.

"Joan, I thought very carefully about what you said to me. You were right. It’s all about trust. If we don’t trust each other, we’re never going to get anywhere," he said knowingly. I smiled and hugged him right in the middle of Ocean Boulevard.

"That’s right Sam, and, Thank You!" I hoped he was forever done with feelings of jealousy. As for myself, well I wasn’t jealous. I was just somewhat upset that Sam could still be friends with them after what had transpired.

Sam read my look and said, "You know Joan, if that fight had turned out differently, I’d have never talked to those three again. Your victory over Billy made it possible for us to remain friends. Thank you," he said at last.

I wasn’t sure that I followed his logic, but was just grateful that we wouldn’t be separated once again. "I’m really glad you didn’t remove the polish from your nails," Sam said smiling at me. It’s funny, when I was picking out nail polish I thought that the "blue thunder" would be the best choice. Hell, I liked everything about that polish, including the name. Still, as far as my nails going unnoticed, the pink was definitely the way to go. But for the quick questioning glance given me by Mr. Ferris, no one had said a thing. Even Sarah hadn’t commented. I guessed it was old news at this point. Considering everything, I resolved to make sure that my appointment at the beauty parlor didn’t take place till after the school year was over. I wouldn’t go till Friday afternoon at the earliest.

"Sam, what are you doing for dinner?" I asked him.

"I’m eating Joan. What are you doing?" he said and laughed again. I found myself laughing too.

"Why don’t you and your Mom come over for dinner? I’m making a meat loaf and baked potatoes."

"Well, that sounds good to me. I’m not so sure about Mom though." Damn, I figured that it would be easier for me to get out of the house if Mom had someone to talk to. Sure, I knew I could go anyway, but given her strange behavior of late, I just figured it would be easier.

"Just ask her, ok?" I said.

"Will do!" he replied enthusiastically before asking me what time I’d be serving dinner.

"Six o’clock sharp, and don’t be late!" I informed him as we arrived on our block. It really was the best thing I could have done, though initially I had other reasons.

This way Sam and I could validate each other as individuals. Sure, we loved each other but we didn’t have to spend every minute of the day in each other’s company. I gave him a huge hug and kiss and made my way home. I let the dog in. She seemed really happy and playful, so I chased her around the house for a bit. She’d let me get close, and then would scoot away at lightening speed. Then she’d stop, turn around, eyes begging me to continue my fruitless chase. In some ways, I realized, dogs were a lot like people. Having had enough, I made my way up to my room. I sat down on my bed and Shandy followed me. It seemed she hadn’t had enough. I gave her a thorough rubdown and she just lay on her back, paws in the air, panting contentedly.

"OK girl, I’ve got to get going here" I told her in a serious voice. She read my tone and reluctantly jumped down off the bed. It was early and I figured I’d have time to take a brief nap. Not wanting to sleep too long, I set my alarm for 3:45. I lay down atop the covers, fully clothed, and surrounded by teddy bears. Sleep came quickly. The alarm sounded seconds later, or so it seemed, and I awoke with a start. I began thinking about going to the mall with Darla. Should I go as John, or Joan? I reasoned that the girls at the Piercing Palace already knew me as Joan, so it would be best to remain in character. As I considered this, I began to wonder if I was doing it for another reason; for Darla.

Downstairs, I began preparing the meat loaf. I was determined to make the best damned meat loaf that had ever been made! It was a fun dish to prepare. Really hands on, or rather, hands "in." I thought about that for a second remembering that I’d eaten meat loaf in the school cafeteria before: never again, I thought and laughed to myself. Dinner cooking, I went back upstairs to select my outfit for the evening. I realized that I’d have to be "ready" before dinner as I’d never have time to get dressed after dinner had been served. I decided on the red skort and again began wondering about my motives. I knew Darla loved me in red. Still, she’d already seen my black skort, and it would have been too weird wearing the blue pleated skirt. Hell, she’d think I was copying her since she owned the exact same garment.

I carefully put on my panties and hose. I’d already decided to wear Darla’s gift to me. I pulled up my skort and put on my maryjanes. I laughed as I realized I wouldn’t be taking them off till evening’s end. I then put on my red v-necked top. The red of the top matched the skort perfectly. It was now 5:30 and I knew I’d have to get a move on or I’d never be done in time. Fifteen minutes later I was back in the kitchen checking on dinner. The meat loaf smelled tantalizing. I’d added a few ingredients of my own to spice it up a bit. I set the dining room table and awaited everyone’s arrival. Sam showed up a few minutes early without Aunt Alice. "Well, I told you I’d be here," he said and laughed. I didn’t bother asking him where his mother was.

"If you want something to drink, you know where to find it."

"Some hostess you are," he said as he made his way to the refrigerator.

"I’m sorry Sir, but your waitress isn’t on duty at the moment," I replied in mock seriousness. He was going to punch me in the arm. I caught him just in time. "Sam! No hitting!" I practically screamed.

"Whoops! Sorry Joan, I forgot."

"Make yourself useful and light the candles." Everything was perfect as Mom walked through the door.

"Joan, I’m home!" she announced as she walked into the kitchen.

"Have a seat Mom" I said as I brought her a gin and tonic. Sam seemed more distressed by Mom’s smoking than I’d been, but thankfully he didn’t say anything.

"What’s the special occasion Joan?" Mom asked. Thinking she was talking about the candle lit table, I told her it was just nice using the dining room once in awhile. She then told me she was referring to my appearance. I’d completely forgotten about how I’d been dressed. I smiled at her and told her I’d made plans for the evening. She looked at me sadly. "So, what are you two up to then?" she asked us.

"Well Mom, Sam’s going to play baseball with the guys, and I’m going to the mall with Darla."

"Oh!" she said, her mood brightening. "Mind if your tired old mother tags along?" She asked pathetically. How could I say no to her?

"Well Mom Aunt Vivian is taking us," I said as my voice trailed off.

"Perfect!" she replied. "I promised Viv that we’d get together soon. I didn’t think it would be this soon though," she laughed.. Feelings of terror began to take hold. Would Mom be seen as someone totally bonkers by Aunt Vivian? "Joan, what did you do to the meat loaf?" Mom asked as she continued wolfing it down.

"I just added a few things I thought would be appropriate," I told her. "I hope you’re writing down your recipes," she said. Honestly, I’d never considered doing that, but it made sense to me.

"I’ve got to hand it to you Joan," Sam added. "This is the best meat loaf I’ve ever tasted. And, I’m not really a fan of the stuff," he said.

What was I going to tell Darla about my mother wanting to come along?… Sam finished eating and told me I could cook for him anytime. I laughed and gave him a sarcastic thanks in reply. He started to make his exit. Hell, I figured he’d at least help me clean up, but it wasn’t to be. "I’ll call you later," he said as he made his way out the door. With a slam of the screen, he was gone. I began rapidly clearing the table.

While I was working, Mom was on the phone. I cringed as I heard her say "Hi Vivian, it’s me, CJ. Joan told me you are taking the girls to the mall this evening. I was wondering if you’d mind if I tagged along?" And here I thought my mother was no longer capable of embarrassing me. They chatted for a few more minutes. I tuned the conversation out.

Next thing Mom was in the kitchen helping me and telling me we had to hurry to get to the Raspberrys’. I hoped that Mom would remain sane enough to survive the evening. My stomach was on edge. Everything put away, we made our way to the front door. "Don’t forget your purse" Mom said as we made our exit. Going to Darla’s all girl slumber party dressed as a "girl" was one thing. Could I really handle going over there like this tonight? I decided that I wasn’t going to wimp out again as I’d done this morning. Mom told me that she was glad I’d set a good example for Darla. I looked at her as though she’d lost her mind. She went on to explain that she thought that all girls should have pierced ears. Had that been her motivation for me?

We arrived at Darla’s and I went to knock on the door. Darla answered and just stood there staring at me. I gave her a sheepish grin. Her own grin suggested that of a hungry wolf. Was I leading her on? "I guess John couldn’t make it this evening," she said and started to laugh. Was she now making fun of me? The hurt in my eyes must have showed. Her next words told me that she was more than happy that Joan had been able to attend. I sighed and thanked her. "Did you choose a red outfit to please me?" she asked.

"I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind," I replied with a wolfish grin of my own. "Besides, my clothing options are quite limited," I said and laughed aloud. "Is it ok if we go in my Mom’s car?" I said hoping that Aunt Viv had told her that my mother was accompanying us.

"Not a problem," she replied. And then she yelled out as if in warning to her mother "Mom, Joan and her mother are here and waiting."

Aunt Viv came into the room and said, "well, let’s not keep them waiting then. Oh Joan! You look lovely!" she said before asking me if I’d dyed my skort red and laughing. "Ok kids, let’s go!" We made our way to Mom’s car. Mom sat patiently behind the wheel blowing smoke out the window. She extinguished her cigarette just as everyone was getting into the car. "So are you girls all ready for a trip to the mall?" Aunt Viv asked. I’m pretty sure her comment was meant to set everyone at ease. It did. Mom laughed and we made the fifteen minute drive to the shopping center.

"I guess the first stop is the Piercing Palace?" Mom said and stole a glance in Darla’s direction. Darla simply sat there and smiled in anticipation.

"Are you sure it doesn’t hurt Joan?" Darla asked me nervously.

"Piece of cake," I assured her.

We parked the car nearest the Piercing Palace wing. Darla began to get excited as we made our way inside. Our mothers became lost in a conversation of their own. Perhaps it had been a good thing that Mom came along. As we walked into the store, the clerk recognized me. "Are you back for more holes in your ears hon?" she asked. I laughed as I informed her that I wasn’t, but my friend Darla was. "That’s great!" was her reply as she led us to the back of the store where the piercing chair sat open. Darla sat expectantly in the chair as the clerk left the scene for a moment. She quickly returned with the box of starter earrings.

"What are they for? Darla asked. "I have my own earrings," she said and produced her beautiful diamond studs.

The clerk, Janet, said, "those are extraordinary diamonds, but I’m afraid you can’t wear them this evening."

Darla seemed crushed as she asked her, "Why not?"

"I’m sorry dear, but those won’t fit in our piercing gun. It’s the only way we pierce ears here. If you’d rather go home and do it yourself with a sewing needle, well that would work." I began to feel sorry for my friend.

"It’s all right Darla, your ears will be healed soon enough," I said encouragingly. She looked as though she was about to cry. "Hey look! you can get the exact same earrings that I have!" I exclaimed. She brightened at that and looked at her Mom pleadingly.

"Can I Mom?" she asked.

Aunt Viv, who had been standing close by, simply said, "they’re your ears sweetheart."

I stood by and watched while Janet marked Darla’s ears with the felt tipped pen. As she readied the gun on the left side, I moved to the right and grabbed hold of Darla’s hand. She seemed grateful for the contact. The task completed, the clerk then moved to the other side before beginning the procedure all over again. Darla hadn’t issued a sound during the entire procedure. Although she was wearing plain gold balls, just as I was, Darla seemed extremely proud of her new look. "Maybe we should start a club?" I said jokingly. She actually seemed to consider it for a moment before attempting to punch my very sore arm. I quickly danced out of the way before she could make contact. Mom and Aunt Viv exchanged a motherly glance.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening with our mothers in tow. "Mom, would it be all right if Darla and I walked around for awhile by ourselves?" I asked her. Aunt Viv looked at me as if this was the strangest request she’d ever heard. I didn’t want to tell her about Mom’s tenuous grip on reality if I didn’t have to.

"Of course it would be fine Joan," she said. "But, you don’t have your watch do you?" she asked me. Looking over to Darla, I noticed that she wasn’t wearing a time piece either. My look in Mom’s direction expressed utter dejection. "I guess my daughter is going to need a watch," she said as she began eyeing the display case. Meanwhile Aunt Viv stared at us curiously. She was taking it all in. Not wanting to prolong the experience, I gave Mom my approval of her selection. It was very similar to the watch that I’d borrowed from her, but it was gold, instead of silver.

"Thanks Mom!" I exclaimed. Mom took the watch and set it for the proper time. "Vivian and I will meet you two at the Coffee Shoppe at nine o’clock sharp. How’s that sound to you Vivian?" she asked her.

"Sounds like a plan CJ," she responded. I thought for a moment about the "CJ" thing and realized that Mom had used her initials to avoid the confusion of two Joans.

"Want to go for a walk Darla?" I asked her.

"Of course silly!" she said as we made our way into the mall.

"Shall we go and drive all the boys crazy?" she asked me.

"Huh!" I replied in a state of shock.

"Well Joan, a girl doesn’t make herself as pretty as you have for no reason," she said and began dragging me along with her. Her logic scared the hell out of me. Was that what I’d done? As we continued walking I was lost in serious introspection.

"Are you all right Joan?" she asked me at last.

I honestly wasn’t sure, I thought but replied, "Of course! And how are you Darla?" I said laughing. She seemed relieved and we continued our walk. As we neared the store where I’d purchased my maryjanes a week ago, Darla pulled me inside. Ah, what now I wondered? "A pretty girl like you needs some high heels," she informed me.

"Darla, I don’t have any money," I replied.

"It doesn’t cost anything to look," she said. I sighed audibly as we began viewing the offerings. "I think a pair of red pumps would look perfect with your outfit" she said and started to laugh. I knew I’d never be able to stand up in the pair of spike heeled shoes that she selected. She grabbed a box in what she assumed was my size and dragged me over to a chair. Did everyone know my shoe size but me?

As girly as I was dressed, I felt that those shoes were a "step too far." She saw my concern and reminded me that we weren’t buying them, just trying them on. "I will if you will!" I said at last hoping that it would end this game. She got up and walked back to the display. This time she returned with a pair of black pumps in her own size. "I knew you were going to do that," I said morosely. She laughed as she lifted the lid off of the box and removed one of the pointy toed pumps. She slid the pair easily on her feet.

"Well Joan, come on, your turn," she urged. I really didn’t want to do this. "Would you rather I told everyone in the store that you were a boy shopping for women’s shoes?" she asked me.

"You wouldn’t!" I practically screamed. Her eyes told me not to take her up on her dare.

Why was she doing this to me? Were all females basically insane? I sat there and put the sexy shoes on my feet. "Now cross your legs Joan," she ordered. I sat there and draped one leg over the other. "Perfect" she said. She stood with ease and literally puled me out of my chair. "Now come on girl" she said. "Just stand up. That’s it. It’s not so hard, is it?" she asked as a mother would a baby taking its first steps. She faced me and took my hands as she backed up till we were at arm’s length. "Now slowly step towards me, one foot in front of the other." What else could I do? I couldn’t run away if I’d wanted to. She repeated this procedure a few times making sure that she wasn’t going to back into anything as she went. Suddenly she let go of my hands. It was as though she was teaching me how to ride my first two wheeler. With my hands by my side, I took short mincing steps towards the mirror. It was impossible to keep my hips from swaying slightly wearing those shoes. I suppose I could have lurched forward like a bow legged gunslinger, but, I did my best to walk properly.

"That’s it! You’ve got it girl!" she announced for all the world to hear. We stood there on our stilts facing each other. I realized that with these shoes on I’d be as tall as Sam. For that reason alone, I wanted them. Of course, the sign in the window was still up. "Buy one get one free."

As Darla eyed the sign, her eyes lit up. "No!" I told her firmly.

"No what Joan?" she asked me innocently.

"You’re not going to do this Darla." She laughed and maintained her look of innocence. She was determined to have her way.

"Consider them an early birthday present from me," she said at last. I simply had to stop going shopping with any and all females. I laughed aloud as I imagined Sam accompanying me on such a trip. We’d have never made it past the video arcade.

"All right Darla," I said firmly. "I’ll accept your gift, but I have one requirement. I want them in black, not red," I told her. She seemed saddened for a moment and then jumped with glee and rubbed her hands together.

"So, you’ll wear them then?" she asked me. Why did I let such things happen to me? I knew what was coming next before it happened.

"Let me guess," I said. "You want us to wear our new shoes out of the store?" She gave me a look that would have done the cat that swallowed the canary proud.

We brought the boxes containing our old shoes to the checkout counter. I almost tripped on nonexistent rifts in the carpet along the way. "Take smaller steps Joan," she admonished me. We slowly made our way out of the store looking more like sisters all the time; first the matching earrings, and now the matching shoes. I couldn’t wait to see Mom’s and Aunt Viv’s expression as they viewed us in our new shoes. And no, I didn’t mean that in a good way. I could feel my ass swaying about and felt my chest thrust forward as we walked slowly to the Coffee Shoppe. "Don’t you love your new shoes Joan?" she asked me.

I wanted to tell her that I felt like a freaking fool, but of course I responded, "they’re kind of nice Darla, thank you." She smiled at me knowingly as we made our way into the queue to purchase some coffee.

Our purchases made, we selected a table big enough for four. Mom and Aunt Viv would be arriving momentarily. Perhaps that had been a mistake. Two guys walked over and asked if the vacant seats were taken. There was no shortage of seats in the café. Darla grinned at me wickedly and said, "they’re not at the moment." What the hell was she trying to do to me, I wondered?

"I’m Dave and this is my friend Jerry," he announced taking the seat next to Darla.

"I’m Darla and the quiet young lady sitting across from me is my dearest friend Joan," she said. All eyes were on Darla, including my own. I was glad of this, yet part of me thought, what’s wrong with me, am I chopped liver? I quickly shook my head in an attempt to clear such thoughts away.

Moments later our mothers arrived. Darla laughed and said, "Sorry boys, reinforcements have arrived." They stood nervously and rather than simply looking for an empty table, walked out of the café with their cups in hand. I never thought I’d be glad to see my own mother. "What have you girls been up to?" asked Aunt Viv as she began laughing. "Seems I can’t leave you two alone for a minute," she went on. This was all getting a little too strange for me. I took my right hand and pinched my left arm in an attempt to awaken from this bizarre dream.

Darla noticing my actions said, "you can’t believe this is really happening, can you?" I had to admit that I couldn’t. Her comment actually added to the surreal nature of the scene. Mom espied the shopping bags and asked what we’d bought. Darla proudly displayed her feet.

"Oh Darla, they’re lovely," Mom said. She laughed before replying that I had a pair too.

I wanted to die. "Go on Joan, show them your feet!" she urged. With crimson face, I slowly moved my legs from under the table. Everyone smiled knowingly at me. Did they all know something that I didn’t? I began removing the box that contained my maryjanes from the bag. A quick, "don’t you dare Joan!" escaped from Darla’s lips. The three of them became lost in chit chat. I sat there and glumly considered my fate. Coffee finished, it was time to head for home. They walked behind us giggling at our gait with nervous laughter.

"You’re definitely going to need some practice walking in those Joan," Mom said. "Perhaps Darla will help you perfect your walk?" she asked hopefully. Darla smiled and told Mom not to worry. One good thing about the heels. I couldn’t wear them to the boardwalk.

I’d seen ladies attempting to navigate the boards in heels before. They always wound up carrying their shoes and worrying about splinters in their naked feet. We made our way back to the Raspberry mansion. Mom and I both thanked them for a wonderful time. I reminded Darla to twist her earrings every so often so that they’d heal properly. I found myself hoping that Mom had indeed made a new friend. They seemed to get on well enough.

"They’re a lovely pair," Mom said as we made our way home. Feeling the need to contribute something to the conversation, I told Mom what a great friend Darla had been to me. "As good a friend as Sam?" she asked in a teasing tone.

I considered her statement seriously before replying,. "In some ways, better Mom." Thankfully, she didn’t ask about the boys that had been sitting at our table when they arrived. I had no idea how I would have responded if she had.

Something had been gnawing at me all the way home. It was close to ten o’clock, but I told Mom I was going to Sam’s for a minute. "Joan, it’s a school night," she said insistently.

"I know Mom. But for the fact that I have to have my body in my seat tomorrow, the school year is over."

"Maybe I’ve been giving you a little too much latitude young lady." She used to call me young man when she was annoyed with me. I guessed it was as much my fault as her own. I stood there thinking that any "normal" boy would never have allowed this to happen to him.

"Mom, I won’t be long, I promise," I said hoping for her cooperation.

"You’d better be back here in fifteen minutes Joan, or I’m going to ground you."

I thanked her for granting me that and made my way across the street. I no longer cared if the neighbors saw me taking mincing steps as I slowly made my way to Sam’s house. I knocked on the door tentatively. I hoped it wasn’t too late. Finally, Sam himself appeared. "Joan" he said. "What are you doing here at this hour?"

"Sorry Sam," I replied. "It’s just that we arrived home moments ago and I didn’t want to miss talking to you this evening. Can you come out here for a minute?" I asked.

He came outside and said, "there’s something different about you," without realizing what it was. I looked him straight in the eyes and hugged him close. Realization raced through him as he looked down at my feet. "You’re wearing high heels!" he exclaimed. "Let me get a good look at you," he said backing up a few steps.

"Oh Joan! they were made for you," he said at last.

"That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about Sam," I began. He stood there and gave me the deer in the headlights stare as I continued. "Sam?" I said gently. Without waiting for a response I went on. "Would you still love me if I was a girl?"

"What the hell are you talking about Joan?" he asked me. I sighed and trembled just a bit.

"I’m not sure I know myself Sam," I said unable to stop. He looked about to cry.

"Joan, in my eyes you already are a girl," he replied.

"No Sam, that’s not what I mean. I mean if I was a "real" girl. Well, as real as someone like myself could be, I suppose." He stood there staring at me in disbelief. "Sam, more and more lately I’ve been thinking that perhaps I should have been born female."

"I’ve done my best to hide these thoughts even from myself despite my outward appearance," I said hoping that I was making sense here. I hugged him and began sobbing. Had I made a mistake admitting my innermost thoughts to him? I hoped that I hadn’t.

"You mean a real girl with breasts and a vagina?" He asked, still unable to understand.

I peered deeply into his eyes as I replied, "yes Sam, your girl." He stood there in shock, unable to say a word. His silence amplified my sadness. My body began shaking even harder. I was having a hard time trying to maintain my balance on the very thin heels. "I’m sorry Sam," I sobbed. "I don’t think I can be John for you anymore."

"It’s all right Joan," he whispered. "You’ve never really been John to me," he said and hugged me tighter. I wasn’t sure if I was pleased or dismayed by his statement. My lifelong friend had always thought of me as a girl it seemed. I didn’t think there was anything that could stop the flow of tears.

"Do you know what makes me sadder than anything?" I asked him at length.

I had him so confused by this time, I was certain that the poor boy would never figure it out. The seconds ticked away silently. Finally he replied "No, Joan, you’ll have to tell me, sorry." Could I actually utter the words that I’d been dreading? My tears continued to flow.

"I’ll never be able to have your babies Sam!" I wailed. He shushed me and held me close, unsure how to respond. I wasn’t sure that anyone would understand what I’d just said, myself included. I only knew that that was the dilemma that had been torturing my soul. How could I ever admit such a thing to anyone? "What scares me more than anything, is that I’m not sure I’ll even feel this way tomorrow. Oh Sam! I’m so confused!"

I wished that I could get off of this fence that I was stuck on. He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me with more passion than ever before. My soul swirled higher than my body did. "Are you sure Sam?" I asked when we both paused for breath. With that he kissed me even deeper than before. This time when our kiss ended he whispered, "I’ll always love you Joan." I knew in my heart that he meant every word. It was enough for now.

"Sam, I could never do this without you by my side," I said at last. He simply smiled at me and declared his love for me all over again. I was the luckiest girl in the world. "Oh darling!" I exclaimed. The words that had escaped me began to sink in. Was this really what I wanted? Mom began to seem more sane to me all the time. That in and of itself was a very scary thought to me.

"Sam, you’ll always be my one true love," I whispered into his ear. He kissed my face incessantly. I began giggling and had to beg him to stop before he would.

"I love everything about you Joan," he said at last. "Whatever your gender, it’s you that I love." I felt a peace sweep over me unlike any I’d ever known before.

"Thank you Sam. And again, lest you forget, you’ll always be my one true love." Each word echoed with tears: tears of joy.

"I’ll expect you here at 7:30 in the morning," he said as we broke our embrace.

"There’s no place on this planet I’d rather be," I informed him. His head shook with confidence, the way that guys’ sometimes do. I’d never been as tall as Sam before and took one last moment to express my advantage. I grabbed his head in both hands and kissed him gently on the forehead. Goodnight sweet prince," I said as I made my way slowly back to my own house.

I arrived home seconds later. I was tempted to shout out, "I’m not late, am I?" Mom had become distracted by the television once again. I looked at my new watch and noticed that I was indeed a few minutes late. Thank god she hadn’t noticed. When Mom awoke from her dream state she said, "did you have a nice chat with Sam dear?" I simply beamed at her. I wanted to ask her then and there about how I could become a "real" girl. I knew my worries would be lost on her. In her mind, I already was one.

"Don’t stay up too late," I said with some authority. She laughed at my rebuke.

"Don’t worry about me Joan," she said before turning her attention back to whatever it was she was watching.

"Goodnight Mom," I whispered. "Thanks for coming with me to the mall this evening," I added. Now was not the time to talk to her about the road that I’d decided upon. Yes, I’d need her help and then some, but now was not the time.

"I love you Joan," she whispered in return. "Rest easy sweetheart," she said and released me. I made my way upstairs in my spike heels. I could do this, I thought as I made my way to bed.