Intro by Carla Ann

Joe hated his job sometimes. Today for instance… it was possibly a pivotal event in his young daughter's life, and he had to leave right in the middle of it. He knew his employers were bending over backward to help his family, but he was also their most senior and experienced manager and technician, and the business depended on him keeping the project on time. 'I just hope she knows how much I love her. She has such worry in her eyes sometimes when she looks at me, like she's not sure...'

He snapped the connector onto the servo board and hollered to Dave, "Try it now. You should get eight point five volts or so at uh… .twenty milliamps -- no wait. Twenty two milliamps." 'Those new doctors sure were efficient. They know so much about Tiffany, and us after just this morning it seems they've been treating her for years. One thing bothers me though. Dr. Reynolds told us how much Tiffany fears that I love her less than Brandon, and that I'm somehow in mourning over the 'loss' of my son… but it never really sank in until today. I guess it took hearing it from male doctors for me to really understand.'

"Okay? Good! Okay, next diagnostic. Get a mark on it, then get your hand out of the way. It should rotate twelve degrees exactly. Ready?" 'I'm so happy we finally know why she was struggling so, she's such a natural girl I don't know why we didn't see it before. I just wish I didn't feel so helpless when those kids mistreat her. Well, hopefully if things go well this afternoon, she'll soon begin to develop like her friends. That should help...' "Hang on a sec Dave. The probe slipped. Drat, what step are we on again?"

"Joe, you sure you're okay? You're acting like you're here but your brain's in space. Really, the boys and I can cover this. You go take care of your family."

"No that's okay. We'll never finish in time if I do. Mandy will call if she needs me. And I'll find out what happened tonight..."

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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

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The Legal Stuff: Dreaming of Cheers  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar
 
This is a work of fiction. Names, Characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Copyright  © 2010 By Tiffany Shar. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.
 
 
Preface

Like the first two books I posted here, I will be posting a full copy here on BigCloset. I am uploading three chapters per week to the site. The full version should be completely posted by July. For those that cannot wait however, I have an e-book version of the full book available from Lulu.com as of today. You may find it at My Store. My assumption is that the majority of my readers would be more interested in this edition of the book rather than a hardback or paperback. If you enjoy this work perhaps you will consider supporting me by purchasing it ($5.95 for the eBook).

Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy reading Dreaming of Cheers!

 

Chapter 7:

 

WHEN I MANAGED to get control of myself a couple moments later, Dr. Reynolds handed me a tissue and asked, “Are you alright Tiffany?”

“Yes!” I paused, “It’s just that I’ve been so stressed about what you all would decide I guess I just started crying…”

Dr. Freedman nodded and said, “That makes sense Tiffany, and it’s alright. Now if we’ve got all of this settled we should probably let Dr. Reynolds help you get everything setup with your endocrinologist. Dr. Reynolds, we’ll just wait outside for you until you’re finished.”

“Thanks Doctor,” she told him.

Before I let either of them leave the door though I gave them both great big hugs. They were helping my dreams to come true, I couldn’t let them leave without thanking them. “Good luck Tiffany,” Dr. Clark told me as he left.

“Okay, let’s see if I can’t get Dr. Wilmer on the phone real quick Mrs. Jacobson.”

She dialed him up and got him on the phone. Apparently he was working late so she was able to catch him, “So you can meet with us at nine on Tuesday?” Dr. Reynolds looked at Mom and she nodded, “We’ll see you then.”

“So we’re going to meet him at nine at his office on Tuesday. I’ll speak with him before then some more and let him know what we’re planning on doing — that way he’ll be prepared to start the treatment that morning. There’s no reason to make you have to come back yet again if we can help it.”

Dr. Reynolds went over more details for a bit before we finally were able to leave. As we went through the lobby we waved at Dr. Clark and Freedman again before heading downstairs. We both made a pit stop in the ladies room before heading out to her car. I sat down with a big grin on my face, it was finally happening. I hugged mom again across the console. I was so excited!

The drive home was silent though. I was lost in my thoughts of being able to finally become who I believe I was. Or at least I was moving along on another step of the journey. Even with their willingness to move things along earlier with hormones, I doubted they would ever let me get my genitals fixed until I was eighteen. ‘One step at a time Tiffany,’ I told myself.

As soon as we got home I had expected to see Dad, but he was still gone at work. Mom paged him and found out he wasn’t going to be home for several hours still, but I was able to quickly tell him about what they decided, “That’s great Tiffany,” he said, “I’m glad they decided this — it should make it easier on you in the long run.”

We were only able to talk for about a minute though before he needed to get back to work on his project. “Well Tiffany I had thought we should go for a celebration dinner… but why don’t we hold off till tomorrow night when your Dad can go?”

“Can we actually wait until Friday? We have the football game tomorrow night and I’ll be really tired after it. And then maybe invite Amy and her parents?” I asked.

“That sounds like a great idea Tiffany. Why don’t you call Amy and see if her parents are free?”

“I needed to call her anyway… if I don’t she’ll hit me tomorrow,” I told her with a smile.

“Go call her then.”

I dialed Amy’s phone number, “Hi, is Amy there?” I asked.

Melanie had answered. “Is this Tiffany?”

“Yes, how are you doing?”

“Good Tiffany, let me go get her. I’d like to ask you how it went today, but I’ll wait until she gets on the line. She’s been pacing around waiting for you to call since she got home from practice.”

That brought a bit more of a smile to my face, ‘what would I do without Amy?’

“Tiff?!?” I heard a few moments later. “How did it go?” Amy asked.

“It went well. They decided they’re going to start me on girl hormones next week!” I said.

“That’s great!” Amy said.

“Yeah, it is. I was really surprised that they went along with it…” I told her about everything that had happened that day. It took me a solid thirty minutes to recount my experiences that day. I found myself exhausted when I finally finished. “So do you think you and your parents would be able to go to dinner Friday?”

“I think so, hold on let me ask Mom,” She told me.

She came back with an affirmative answer and we talked for a bit more today. Some of the kids had asked her where I was today and she’d just said that I was at a doctor’s appointment. Amy also let me know of a couple assignments that I’d missed that day that it might be worth me doing before bed just so I wouldn’t have to try and worry about them the next night. When I finished talking to Amy she handed over the phone to her Mom who asked some questions before I handed my phone to my Mom.

I decided to go ahead and do the homework assignments that she told me about as Mom made a quick dinner of macaroni and cheese. Dad still wasn’t home when I went to bed that night, and I found myself wishing I could get a hug from him as I fell asleep — I resented his job so much sometimes!

The next day passed by uneventfully, well other than the football game which our team lost, as did Friday. That evening we had dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and had a good time. Amy came and stayed over that weekend, and I felt like things were finally starting to return to a ‘normal’ state.

TUESDAY MORNING I was a bundle of nerves. I didn’t know how I was going to be receiving the hormones, and I wasn’t sure of what else was involved now. Dad had been being mean and joking that it was going to come in a gigantic needle that was going to hurt a lot. I didn’t admit that I believed him, but it made me more nervous. Mom took me to Dr. Wilmer’s office as scheduled that morning.

“Hello Tiffany, how are you doing?” He greeted me.

“I’m doing fine, how are you?”

“Well. And you Mrs. Jacobson?”

“Mostly fine. Has Dr. Reynolds arrived yet?”

“Right behind you,” Dr. Reynolds answered for him.

“Well then let’s get this meeting started shall we?” Dr. Wilmer asked while leading us back to his office.

Once we were all seated in chairs in his small office he began, “So Dr. Reynolds has said that she and a couple other specialists have decided that you should begin a full hormonal replacement therapy. I would like to go over some of the risks and possible complications involved with this before we go any further.” We nodded.

“First is that I have to warn you, once you begin this therapy you will likely never be able to father kids. I know that’s probably not a major concern of yours, given your diagnosis of gender dysphoria, but you will not be able to go back after this — not completely. Are you okay with this?” He looked at me first, and then my mom, before continuing. “I know you’re already aware of the fact that this is going to begin breast growth, but it will also affect where fat forms on your body too. You will see pronounced growth particularly in your hips.”

“Okay,” I told him. “I know what it’s going to do to me. I accept the risks, and so do my parents.” I wasn’t in the mood to sit here all day.

“I just need you to understand that if you change your mind down the road you will never truly be able to come back.”

“We do understand that Dr. Wilmer,” my Mom told him.

“Well okay,” he sighed. I don’t think he was really in favor of the treatment, but he was willing to administer it. “I would like to use a few drugs in combination…” he explained the drugs he wanted to administer to me.

“I think this would be the most effective plan for now. I must warn you not expect results over night Tiffany, you’re going to experience growth at the same rate as any other girl. With an older patient I would prescribe a higher dosage, but at your age we’re going to use a lower dosage over a long period of time so that you experience that normal growth rate.”

With that he wrote Mom the prescriptions that he wanted me to take. “I would like to see you once a month for blood tests to make sure the levels are where they need to be. Do you have any more questions?” he asked. “No? Well then I guess we’re finished. Good luck Tiffany,” he told me.

“Thanks!” I said as I headed out the door. All-in-all that meeting seemed like a bit of a letdown — I had expected for such a life changing moment to be more… I don’t know, life changing?

We said goodbye to Dr. Reynolds and agreed to see her again in a couple weeks. Mom then drove home to our local pharmacist where she dropped off the prescriptions. It was bout eleven by that point so she took me for lunch while the pharmacist filled the prescription. I was honestly surprised they’d said they did in fact have the drugs in stock… I was worried I’d have to wait while they ordered them.

When we went back after lunch it was ready and I held my first three pills in my hand at the parking lot at school. I looked at Mom and said, “Here goes nothing!” I placed the pills in my mouth and drank out of a bottle of water I had sitting in the car. I noticed one of them tasted rather nasty, but I couldn’t care less.

As I caught up with Amy in our next class I gave her a big hug and had a giant smile on my face.

 
 
 

Part II:

Thicker Than Water?

 

 

Chapter 8:

 
A COUPLE WEEKS later we were already preparing for the last football game of the season. Our team was playing a school from inside the city for the District Championship. Both of our teams had one loss, but were otherwise undefeated. Since it was such an important game we had traveled to one of the main stadiums in Albuquerque. The size of the stadium made even our high school’s stadium look tiny in comparison. We were all so excited that the game was being held there!

Normal games for our junior high varsity team were held at five in the evening, but this one was scheduled for seven-thirty like a high school game. The cheer and dance squads from both schools had arrived right after school to decorate the stands.

“Hey Tiff!” I heard from behind me as I was trying to tape up a piece of poster board.
“What?” I replied turning slightly.

“It’s crooked!” Coach Holt told me.

“No it’s…” I started to say before looking at it again. “Oops, sorry.” I told her sheepishly.

“It’s okay, just fix it!” She told me laughing.

As soon as I had the sign taped up right I jumped off of the fence that I had been taping it onto. I looked around to see how we were doing. As the other team was an Albuquerque team they were using the home side of the stands and we were of course on the visitor’s side. Actually the sad thing was that their visitor’s side was bigger than our high school’s home side at home… We had decorated all along the rail of the fence on our side with blue and gold bunting, and signs like the one that I had just hung up said, “Go Team,” “Send the kitties home,” and other messages supporting our school. Along one of the fences on our side up at the top of the stands, some of the girls had used Styrofoam cups to make another sign that said, “Coyotes #1,” and had all of the football players numbers too.

It was really impressive what we had accomplished in two hours. “Okay ladies, come here!” Coach bellowed at us.

I skipped over there and stood by Amy and Kristina.

“I think we’ve got the stands decorated enough for the game. Amy’s Mom just picked up some McDonald’s for everyone, so let’s go eat it. Please be sure and say thank you to her!” She said pausing. “You’ll have about thirty minutes to eat and then I want the dance squad back here for a run through of the routine. See you all then ladies.”

With our dismissal Amy, Kristina, Ashley, Lindsey, and I linked arms and began skipping down the track to the exit so we could meet up with Amy’s Mom. As we got to the edge of the track we climbed up some stairs that led us up to the parking lot and saw Melanie standing next to their car. She’d picked up happy meals for everyone, with chicken nuggets.

“What toy did you get Tiff?” Amy asked.

“Umm… hey it’s a Barbie!” I said giggling. It wasn’t a very good one, but it was a Barbie. Soon all of the two squads had gathered on a patch of grass and ate. It was kind of sad though, it was like there were really two squads — the dance squad and the cheer squad. Anyone who was just on the cheer squad was in one circle and the other girls, including myself, were in another circle.

I didn’t think about it too much though as Amy started talking to me, “So this is the last Thursday night that we’ll lose this year!”

“It’s kind of sad though, isn’t it?” Kristina said.

“Yeah… But now we’ll be able to focus on the competitions instead!” I said with a smile on my face.

“I’m with you Tiffany, I think it’s going to be awesome to go to the two competitions in January!” Ashley said with a smile.

“It will be a lot of fun,” Amy said.

We spent some more time talking back on the season. I had less to talk about since I hadn’t been on the squad as long, but we still had plenty of things from while I’d been a member. Ashley, Amy, Kristina, and Lindsey had all already been on the cheer squad going into the year and just moved up to the dance squad when it was formed. We sat there for as long as we felt we could. In the meantime Amy’s mom got the camera out and took quite a few shots of us. It was a good time, and seemed like a fitting way to finish up the last game of the season.

Eventually we headed back down to the field and ran through our routine on the field with their sound system.

“Okay ladies, just like tonight!” Coach Holt told us.

I saw both of the football teams beginning to come out of the locker rooms so I knew we were only going to get one chance to run through things. The music began blaring through the loudspeakers and we began moving through the moves of our dance. I wasn’t as fluid as I was supposed to be, and I knew it, but we made it through the routine without falling apart. It was by far the toughest routine we had worked up yet, so we were all a little bit nervous about it.

Of course as soon as we got done and came off the field Coach Holt starting listing things off, “Tiffany, you’ve got to be more graceful as you do the second part!” she rattled off things about everyone, but they weren’t me, right? The perfectionist in my mind was definitely roaring her ugly head, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous about half-time.

Coach had us begin to do some other things around the field again as the stands on both sides of the field began to fill up. By the time the kick-off happened at seven-thirty I couldn’t see any free seats on either side! We were all so busy cheering though I didn’t have time to think about it. At one point I watched as Kyle was about to get tackled by two players, but managed to pass the ball off down the field to David — who was well over twenty yards down the field. As I watched Kyle get brought down hard David ran as fast as he could down the field, “GO DAVID!!!” We all screamed at the top of our lungs.

He ran almost to the goal line when he was tackled and brought down. The score to that point in the game had remained 0-0, and it was halfway through the second quarter already — our team needed to score some points!

I watched as the boys lined up farther down the field for a second before Kristina called for us to do another cheer. As we finished jumping at the end of the cheer I watched the play begin and saw Kyle try to throw the ball to another player in the end zone, only to see it get knocked out of the way by the other team.

“Dang-it!” I said aloud. Kristina nodded at me about that.

Kyle setup for another play and we watched as he passed the ball off to one of the other guys, and he managed to get almost to the goal again, before he was stopped. I didn’t understand much about football honestly, but cheering for the past month or so had taught me that the third down was basically the last chance to score in this case.

So I did what a good cheerleader’s supposed to do, shouting, “Come on Kyle!!!!”

With that they began the play and I watched him toss it to a player in the endzone. He was so close to him, I didn’t think there was anything that was going to happen but a touchdown… then at the last second I saw a player from the other team leap in the way and catch the ball! “NO!!!!” I said aloud.

“Catch him!” Kristina screamed next to me as the player began running down the field. We watched him pass the twenty, the thirty, and then he was gone past the point of any of our guys catching him. Less than a minute later the score now read 0-8, with their team in the lead.

“It’s okay guys, you’ll get it back!” I said as Coach Holt began drawing those of us that were on the dance squad away from cheering. We had to prepare for the half-time show.

We hurriedly grabbed our props for this show and gathered on the track. As the clock ran down past the two minute mark there was another interception and as we lined up behind their team to come on we saw the scoreboard chance to 0-15. I nervously played with the beach ball I had as a prop for this dance as all of the girls were talking to each other and not paying attention to what was coming up, “Look ladies, we’ve got to focus on the performance,” Coach Holt said to us. It stopped the talking for a moment, but I was pretty sure that none of us were focused.

All of us looked glumly at each other as the other team ran off toward the locker room and we began marching onto the field together. I began thinking, ‘I sure hope I don’t mess up on that spot again!’ to myself.

With that the music began and I began moving to it. All of the sudden though, I noticed that I was out of sync with Lindsey, who was next to me. I was counting as hard as I could and didn’t think I was off though. Sixteen counts later I couldn’t tell what was going on though, as we did a move that was supposed to ripple down the lines I could tell that there were four groups of us, all at different spots.

‘What am I supposed to do?’ I asked myself as I continued to move through the routine, ‘We’ve never messed up like this before!’

I decided the only thing I could do was keep going and hope that we all ended up finishing together. At the end of the song I was supposed to end up on my elbows and knees with my head on the ball looking cute. As I started to do that move though, my knee slipped and so did the girl who was supposed to be leaning on me. SPLAT! We both went down on to the ground.

As we came off the field I was crying. It had been so terrible! I looked around and saw Amy crying too, and we both hugged each other.

“What happened Tiff?” Kristina asked me.

“I have no idea…. One minute we’re all doing fine, the next we’re all completely off of each other… and then some how I fell at the end. Oh no! Where’s Lindsey?” I asked out loud, she was the girl who had to have fallen next to me.

“I’m fine Tiff, it’s okay,” she said as I looked at her and she gave me a hug.

Our whole squad was a mess for the next few minutes as we tried to regain control of ourselves. We were so embarrassed by how bad we had performed. Coach Holt walked up to us about that point. She looked flustered and upset.

“Ladies, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised this happened with how little focus you showed on the sideline. You’ve got to get it together if we’re going to do anything other than embarrass ourselves at the competitions in January!” Her hard look she was giving us softened a little though and she said, “We’ll talk about it more on Monday though. Go take your time off, be sure to be back here quickly though.”

I felt Amy grab my arm and pull me off towards the restrooms. As we got through the fence we found ourselves face to face with our moms. “Are you okay girls?” Melanie asked.

We both shook our heads and went to our respective mothers for a hug we both needed. My mom stroked my hair a little bit before kissing me on the forehead and saying, “It’s alright sweetie. Things happen.” She tried to goad me into smiling by giving me a smile herself, but I wasn’t buying into it.

“It was awful! And then I fell over! How can you fall over when you’re on your hands and knees?!” I exclaimed.

Amy was pretty similarly upset because she had gotten incredibly lost in the routine. She’d been doing this kind of thing since she was little too, so I think it hit her even worse. The fact that the two captains had done so badly at the performance was not a good thing. Our mom’s led us to the restroom where we both went pee really quick, and then they tried to help clean up our faces a bit before walking us back to the track entrance.

“It’s really okay sweetie,” Melanie told me. “You girls will look back at this and laugh in a couple months.”

The two of us made our way back to the cheer squad silently, both obviously down about the performance. I heard two of the girls that hadn’t made the squad talking to each other, “I can’t believe they didn’t let us on the squad, and they let all of them on it. I mean did you see how awful Amy and Tiffany did? And they’re supposed to be the captains!”

“Well maybe I’m glad we didn’t make it now… that would have been really embarrassing. I think I would quit the squad if I did that bad…” I tried not to listen to any more of it, I already wanted to cry. I looked over at Amy and she looked like she’d been hit over the head with a two-by-four.

The rest of the game was a blur as it didn’t get any better. With one minute left in the game the score was 6-62, and everyone had given up hope that we would win the game. Our stands had emptied out to where not even half of it was still full. When the clock ran down we began quietly packing up our pom-poms and megaphones. Mom came down to the track with Amy’s mom and helped us carry our stuff up to where they were parked. Neither of us said anything.

I sat down in the seat of the car and turned my head towards the window as Mom made her way through the parking lot and back on the interstate to go home. ‘What a terrible end to the season,’ I thought to myself.

 

Chapter 9:

 
FRIDAY MORNING I dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt… and just hoped I would be able to disappear into the wood work. I so didn’t want to go to school and face everything, and everyone, after last night’s abysmal performance. I had just left my hair in a ponytail as I waited for Amy and her mom to pick me up.

As her mom’s car pulled in the driveway, I walked out slowly while making sure I locked the door behind me. As the icing on the cake to yesterday, my parents had told me I forgot to lock it when I left yesterday, and nicely chewed me out about it. I didn’t want to hear about it today.

“Hey Tiff,” a fairly downtrodden Amy greeted me.

“Hi Amy…” I said to her. She and I sat in silence for a few minutes before I told her, “I’m really not looking forward to this.”

“I’m not either… There are going to be so many kids that make fun of all of us for last night…” She replied to me.

“It won’t be that bad girls,” her mom said to us.

We both shared a look and said, “Yes it will,” in unison.

She sighed and said, “Just make sure you two stick together and everything will be fine girls.”

I think she resigned herself to not getting through to us any more than that though, because she let us continue the rest of the ride in silence. Amy went with me for my morning run to the band room, and then we caught up with Kristina just before the bell rang. She gave us a weak smile and went towards her own class as we walked down the hallway.

Lindsey and Ashley looked to be feeling about the same way as we got to our first hour class, and weren’t helped out when one of the girls that failed to make the team was talking loudly across the room, “Did you see how awful our so-called dance squad did last night…?” I felt like melting into the desk that I was sitting in. Any time we weren’t working on something during class I could hear her and a couple other kids talking about us. They all seemed to enjoy poking fun at me in particular. I watched them pantomime my fall more than once as they looked at me and laughed.

By the end of class I wanted to do nothing other than go to the bathroom and cry — something I started to do with Amy at my heels. Without a second thought I walked quickly into one of the girls restrooms and sat down in a stall. I felt my chest heave, and sobbed for a moment or two before forcing myself to get it together and going to the sink to make sure it didn’t look like I had been crying. Amy gave me a hug as we walked to our second hour class.

“Tiff, where’s your backpack?” She asked me suddenly as we walked in the door.

“Oh No! I left it in Mr. Randolph’s class!”

“Uh-oh,” Amy said.

I pulled Amy along with me as I walked up to Mr. Grainger who was standing in the doorway, “Mr. Grainger, may Amy and I go Mr. Randolph’s class to grab my backpack? I left it there…”

He looked at me with that look that said, ‘if you were anyone else…’ “Okay ladies, but please hurry.”

“Thanks Mr. Grainger!” I said as I hurried down the hallway with Amy by my side. The bell rang when we were half-way back there. We both looked at each other a little sheepishly… we weren’t exactly the rule breaking type so it seemed strange to be out in the hallway after the bell rang.

“What are you two doing back here?” Mr. Randolph asked as we came into the classroom.

“I left my backpack here, did you find it?” I asked him.

“No, I didn’t see it. What does it look like?”

“It’s purple and…” I gave him a description of it as we looked where I’d been sitting. As far as we could tell it wasn’t in his room.

“Maybe someone turned it into the office,” he said. “Here let me write you two a pass to go by there on your way to class.”

“Thanks Mr. Randolph,” I said. I was getting really nervous though. I felt in my pocket and was grateful that I had left my house key in my pocket, and kept my cash for lunch in my other pocket today… but everything else, including several homework assignments, was in my bag!

“We’ll find it Tiffany,” Amy told me as we walked to the office.

“I hope so…” I told her, completely unconvinced. First yesterday, now this, what else could go wrong?

The secretary greeted us as we came in, “How are you two ladies doing today?”

“Okay, yourself?” Amy asked politely

“Could be less busy around here, what do you two need?”

“I was wondering if someone had turned in a backpack this morning.” I told her.

“I don’t think we’ve had one turned in today, give me a second and let me look.” She disappeared around the corner and came back holding a blue backpack. “Is this it?”

I shook my head, “No mine’s purple.”

“Sorry sweetie,” she said, “I’ll keep an eye out for it today though, if we find it I’ll call you out, okay?”

“Okay, thanks,” I said. We headed back to class.

“You’re sure you didn’t leave it in your locker somehow right?” Amy asked me.

“It was with me while we were in class. I had to get my homework for Mr. Randolph out of it. Someone must have taken it…”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up Tiff,” she told me as we walked back into Mr. Grainger’s classroom.

“I hope so.”

Mr. Grainger gave me a questioning look to which I answered with a shake of my head. As he came by to pick up a short homework assignment that was due that day he told me, “Tiffany, if you want to turn it in Monday that’ll be fine.” He smiled as he said that, and I was grateful at least one thing wasn’t falling apart today.

“Thanks Mr. Grainger.”

Thankfully I didn’t need anything from my backpack for Choir, so it didn’t mess up anything there. Five minutes into algebra the secretary came over the intercom and said, “Mr. Martin?”

“Yes ma’am?” he answered.

“Would you please send Tiffany down to the office for a moment?”

“She’s on her way,” he said while nodding at me to go.

I looked at Amy as I walked out. She gave me a supportive smile as I began nervously walking down to the office. I had a bad feeling about this.

“Hi,” I said to the secretary as I walked in, “they asked for me to come down?”

“Hi Tiffany, you said your backpack went missing earlier right?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Is this it?” she said holding up my backpack.

“Yes…” I said first with a smile, and then my heart stopped. I took a closer look at my backpack… it looked wet. It also looked like someone had taken marker to the outside of it. The few things I could see weren’t very pleasant.

“I’m assuming you didn’t write this stuff on your backpack?” Mrs. Henry, the newly confirmed principal, asked me as she appeared from behind the secretary.

I shook my head, “No… what else happened to it?” I asked while feeling both angry and like I wanted to cry.

“Why don’t you come into my office?” She suggested gently while putting her arm around my shoulder. She steered me into a chair across from her seat at her desk.

“Where did they find it?” I asked while trying to keep my composure.

“One of our janitors found it in a toilet in the boy’s bathroom — down the hall from your social studies class. I haven’t actually opened it up yet, do you want to look inside and see what else may have happened?”

I wanted to say ‘no,’ because it didn’t look promising, but I had to see what else might have been damaged. “I guess… I wish we’d done this before you told me it was in a toilet though…” I was really grossed out by that.

She had cleared off her desk and she said, “Here let me help you then…” she could tell I wasn’t real thrilled by that. She seemed to be somewhat grossed out too since I saw her grab a pair of gloves out of her desk… I don’t think she wanted to touch the backpack at that point anymore than I did. The first thing I noticed was that the three textbooks that were inside my bag looked completely soaked. She pulled them out and we could both immediately see messages on them written in black marker. Things like ‘tranny,’ and ‘you suck at dancing,’ were some of the nicer ones. They got as bad as suggesting to watch my back because I was going to be raped. I could smell the urine that had soaked through them from across the desk… ‘They definitely didn’t just put it in the toilet.’

The color of my face had clearly paled, “Are you alright Tiffany?” she asked.

“Not really…” I started, “I thought maybe we were through some of this… What else did they do?” I asked and we started digging through the rest of the bag. It didn’t really get better. The backpack and books were clearly ruined… and my homework assignments I had for that day were going to have to be redone. Luckily I could read most of the answers… but I’d have to take the time to recopy them. The worst of it though was that I had left a notebook with notes from the dance squad in my bag. I kept it there in case I wanted to look up something real quick from time-to-time… clearly a mistake. The notebook had received some of the worst marking up, had been shredded, and soaked from the toilet… it was all a lost cause.

That was it. That was the breaking point for me. I lost it.

Mrs. Henry handed me a tissue and came around and put a hand on my shoulder. “Tiffany, don’t worry about the books — we’ll replace them for you. And, we won’t charge you for them.”

“Thanks,” I said. Not wanting to think about what my parents would have had to pay otherwise. Mom wasn’t going to be pleased about buying a new backpack — I was sure of that. “May I call my Mom and let her know what happened?” I asked her.

I swear I saw her grimace a bit, but she said, “Yes Tiffany, what number do you need?” She dialed out on her phone and then handed me the receiver.

“Mommy?” I asked when someone picked up at home.

“Tiffany? Is something wrong?” She asked. I could almost feel her heart sink over the phone. At that moment I felt just as bad for her as I did myself.

“I’m alright… but someone stole my backpack and threw it in the toilet in the boy’s bathroom.”

“Is it just wet?” She asked.

“No… they put a whole bunch of graffiti and stuff on everything.” I was trying not to start crying more — I didn’t really want her to know how upset I was.

“Where are you calling me from?”

“Mrs. Henry’s office…”

“Is she there with you now?”

“Yes,” I replied, knowing that meant she’d want to talk to her.

“May I speak to her?” She asked next.

“Okay,” I said and handed the phone to Mrs. Henry. I swear she grimaced as she took the phone from me.

“Hi Mrs. Jacobson,” she started off and I got to hear one half of the conversation for the next ten minutes.

“Yes ma’am, I’m going to be looking into it as soon as I send Tiffany to lunch…” There was a pause, “and yes I’ll speak to the teachers that she had assignments due to today, I’ll make sure they excuse her from them…” bits like that filled the air until she finally said, “Yes ma’am I’ll have it ready for you to look at before the school resource officer takes it into evidence…”

Apparently my mom wasn’t going to take any chances with this continuing, she was filing a police report about it. I didn’t know that it was going to do any good though. As she hung up the bell for my lunch hour rang. “Tiffany let’s walk you down to the cafeteria… do you have money for lunch, or did that get taken out of your bag too?” she asked.

“No thankfully I left that in my pocket today…” I told her as we walked down the hall.

I felt a ton of eyes on me as I walked into the cafeteria. Walking in with a principal at your heels was never a good way to enter discreetly. Thankfully I was able to get in line with Amy as soon as I entered.

“What happened Tiff?” she asked me. “Did they find your bag?”

I just nodded, I didn’t trust myself to speak. She obviously sensed something had happened so she gave me a hug. Amy stood next to me silently as we got our food and made our way to our usual table.

“Tiffany what’s wrong?” Kristina asked as I sat down.

I sensed Amy had tried to make motions not to ask me about it, but she hadn’t seen them. For a second I debated about not saying anything, but decided what the heck, “What’s not wrong? We had a disastrous performance last night… Then someone decided to steal my backpack and make sure that I knew that I was truly hated for being a freak, that I didn’t deserve to be on the squad, and that they were going to rape me at the first chance…”

The fact that I said it all without shouting was amazing. I had said it all in a soft voice that said more than the loudest screaming could have.

“Oh Tiff!” Amy said and through her arms around my shoulders. I felt Kristina’s join around me as well.

“Tiffany you can’t believe any of that stuff. You aren’t a freak, you do deserve to be a captain on the squad, AND we won’t let anything like that happen to you.” Kristina told me.

Kyle had been across the table and had been just able to hear what I’d told them. “Tiffany we’ll find out who did it, and we’ll make sure they never hurt you.” He stated while looking at David.

I just nodded, I didn’t have any energy for anything else. I hated how anytime I started to get ahead in life everything went wrong.

“Earth to Tiffany,” Amy said as she waved her hand in front of my eyes to get my attention.

“Huh?”

“It’ll be okay Tiff. Really.” Amy said.

“Tiffany it wasn’t your fault that we did so poorly last night,” Kristina said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well… as much as I didn’t want to I decided to watch the video of it that my Mom recorded. I wanted to see how we’d gotten so far off…”

It was something I personally never ever wanted to see… How could she have brought herself to watch it?

“Anyway Tiffany, you were right on the right counts, so was Amy… I was off by eight, and another group was off by eight more. And the end… well you did slip on that, but I don’t think that was anything that couldn’t happen to anyone. Brighten up Tiff, you were probably one of the few girls that didn’t mess up!” Kristina told me.

“You’re telling me the truth there?” I asked.

“Do you really think I would lie to you about it?” Kristina asked.

I shook my head, “No…” I paused before adding, “Thanks,” with a weak smile.

“Don’t mention it Tiffany. With the rest of the stuff… those guys will get what’s coming to them. They’ll never be able to get to you through us.” She added.

With that we were being herded out of the lunch room to go outside to the courtyard area. It was cold… I wished we could stay inside for the rest of the time. More than anything I just wanted the day to end.

“What are you up to tomorrow?” Amy asked me as we sat down at a metal picnic table outside.

“I’m not sure. I really don’t want to do anything tomorrow at this point. It’s been such a long few weeks.”

“Tiffany, it’s been a long year for you; few weeks doesn’t even cover it,” Ashley said as she joined the conversation.

I nodded. “Yeah it has been.”

“So Tiffany… has that medicine begun to do anything yet?” Ashley asked softly.

I shook my head, “They said it would take a while. I’m hoping maybe in another month I’ll start to see some changes.” I told her just as softly.

I was rather grateful that the bell rang then… I really didn’t want to talk about my hormone treatment that publicly. Just one more thing that made today uncomfortable and stressful. During my next hour, I shook my hair to the side so that it would block my view of the rest of the classroom. Maybe if I pretended there wasn’t anyone else there I wouldn’t have to think about the day.

As the bell rang to end school for the day I was grateful that I was at least able to do one fun thing that day. Since we didn’t have practice I was going to go home with Amy to her house. We were planning on playing with Barbies until my mom came to get me.

“Come on Tiffany!” Amy said to me as we walked towards the bus that neither of us had ridden in forever to her house. The bus driver, one of my mom’s friends, said ‘hi’ to both of us. We were able to find two empty seats next to each other to sit down in. I still wasn’t in a great mood though as we got dropped off at our stop twenty minutes later. I couldn’t help but think about everything that had happened today… I just didn’t want to deal with anything.

“Okay Tiffany, I’m not going to let you be down like this.” Amy said to me as we were sitting on her floor.

“What do you mean?” I asked innocently. Of course I knew what she meant.

“Tiffany, none of this stuff — last night or today, is your fault. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“Amy, you didn’t see the notes all over everything… I’m getting scared…” I felt the tears begin to come out of my eyes.

She just hugged me and said, “Tiffany, we’re not going to let anything happen to you… not me, your parents, my parents, Kyle, David, Lindsey, Kristina… anyone!” She said to me firmly.

I just nodded. I knew that all of them would work to protect me… but they couldn’t all be there all of the time. Eventually I would get separated… and something was going to happen, I just knew it.

“Tiffany!” Amy said while poking me, trying to bring me back again.

“What?”

“You’re really worrying me,” she said with tears of her own in her eyes.

“I’m sorry… It’s just every time in life I think I’m getting ahead… like before last night, something always happens to knock me down… I feel like I got knocked down hard today,” I said while taking an offered Kleenex and wiping my eyes, she was doing the same with another one.

The two of us talked for a good hour before there really was any thought of playing Barbies. By the time we began our hearts just weren’t in it. It wasn’t fun. I wasn’t a fun person to be around then. As my Mom came to pick me up at five, I turned around and gave her a hug and said, “Amy I’m sorry I wasn’t more fun to be around today… Thank you for listening… and caring.”

“Tiffany, that’ll never change — no matter what happens. You’ll always be my closest friend,” she said as she returned the hug.

We broke apart and I headed out the door with my Mom. With her perceptiveness she could tell that I wasn’t dealing well with everything. I could see a worried look in her eyes, and I hated that. It wasn’t fair. It was bad enough that I had to be upset about all of this, but why did everyone else around me have to suffer too?

Dinner was quiet at home. I could sense Dad wanted to ask me about everything, but the looks he kept getting from Mom warned him not to. I decided I couldn’t avoid them like I wanted to that night… that would only torture them more than it would help me. I grabbed a book, a blanket, my stuffed tiger, and went to lay on the couch in the living room. It took me a long while to get into the book, but after a time I managed to engross myself in it enough that I barely noticed when Mom came and sat down next to me, turning on the TV.

I noticed her just enough that I decided to shift how I was laying to where I was leaning against her. I forced myself to put the book down and watch the TV show that was on. Eventually my head ended up in her lap and she stroked my hair.

“Do you want to talk?” she asked me during one of the commercial breaks later.

I shook my head.

“You can’t go on blaming yourself for stuff Tiffany,” she told me — as if she could read my mind.

‘Did Amy tell her?’ I thought to myself. But I knew better, this was just Mom being perceptive. “I know,” I told her.

“You have to go on past this Tiff,” she told me. “How about we go shopping tomorrow? We’ll get you a new backpack and look for a few new outfits?”

Even as upset as I was, I couldn’t help but a get a little bit of the shopping gleam in my eye, “Shopping? Where?”

“In town? We’ll go hit the malls and Target…”

I sighed and sat up, “Do I look that depressed that you have to offer Target in addition to both malls?”

“Umm… yeah.” She said smiling a little bit. She had broken through, and she knew it.

“Okay… but what time will we go?” I asked. I wanted to sleep in tomorrow since I knew I wouldn’t go to sleep for a long time tonight.

“How about nine-thirty?”

Part of me wanted to groan… I’d still have to wakeup by eight at the latest to make myself look pretty enough to go shopping in the malls… but if she was offering. “I guess… though that’s going to feel really early still.”

She stuck her tongue out at me, “You wouldn’t care if I said seven if it was for shopping, and you know it!”

I just glared at her. She was right. Ever since I had become Tiffany to my parents I couldn’t resist shopping, it was like a virus… it took over me! I harrumphed and put my head back down on her lap while crossing my arms across my chest. She just laughed at me. Eventually I headed to bed that night and hugged my stuffed tiger as tightly as I could.

‘Would things ever become normal?’ I thought to myself as I couldn’t help but picture in my mind every single rude and demeaning thing that had been written on my books and backpack.