Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 756.

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Wuthering Dormice
(aka Bike)
Part 756
by Angharad
  
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“How did the police know about me?” I asked Tom as he drove me home.

“I saw you drive off and got worried. When I saw you hadn’t left a note, I got very worried and called them.”

“Oh!” grassed up by my own family.

“Cathy, I lost one daughter, I couldnae bear to lose anither. I’d rather die mesel’.”

“You? But I’d need you to help Simon look after the girls.”

“Cathy, get real, will ye, if anythin’ happen’d tae ye, the social services would tak’ the girls back immediately.”

“No!” I shouted and banged the dashboard, “they mustn’t! Those girls would be so unhappy.”

“Don’t ye think they’d be unhappy if anythin’ happen’d tae ye?”

“I’m sure they’d cope.”

“Cathy, please for all oor sakes, please dinnae dae anythin’ tae yersel’, it wid kill me.”

Goodness, is he just bluffing me or is he serious. Crikey, he’s crying. Tom doesn’t cry – he must be serious. He’s such a kindly old man, I’d hate to hurt him. Dammit, why does life always get you in these double binds?

“Okay, Daddy, I won’t,” for now anyway.

“Whit possessed ye tae even contemplate daein’ anythin’?”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired of this masquerade.”

“Whit masquerade?” he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Pretending I’m something I’m obviously not.”

“Whit’s that?”

“Pretending I’m a woman – what else?”

“Och ye’re nae still on aboot that are ye?”

“It happens to be important to me.”

“But it isnae true, ye are a woman. Ye hae tae be, only a woman would even doubt it. No man would even think of it.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it’s what goes on up here,” I pointed to my head, “that matters – and it tells me different.”

“Cathy, I dinnae ken whit’s wrang wi’ ye, but ye’re nae thinking straight. If ye weren’t a woman don’t ye think yon girls wid hae telt ye? Widnae Stella hae noticed, an’ whit aboot Simon, fer God’s sake lassie, ye’ve made love wi’ him. I ken he’s a bit daft at times, but I’m sure he’d hae noticed if he wis makin’ love wi’ a man. Besides, I’m a biologist tae, an’ I ken the difference frae men an’ women.”

He was trying so hard, but I wasn’t going to listen to him. I knew what was what, and that was that. We arrived back at Tom’s house. Stella was up and I was concerned about waking up the children. They watched while I took the two tablets and Stella watched as I got into bed. “Will you promise me that you won’t try and run off again?”

“Tonight I will. Go to bed Stella, you look exhausted.”

“Cathy, I need your promise that you won’t do anything without saying goodbye to me in person first.”

“I can’t give you that promise.”

“If you do anything to yourself, then I may well follow you to hell.”

“There is no such place, Stella – when we’re dead that’s it – end of story, end of pain.”

“Just think on this, Catherine Watts – if you kill yourself, I will follow you and make anything in this life a thousand times harder in the next.”

“There is no next life.”

“I don’t give a shit! You listen to me you stupid cow, I will pursue you and punish you until the end of time – think about that, and think about the whys – three little girls who call you their mother. Whether you consider yourself a woman or not, is totally and utterly irrelevant – it’s what they think that counts and all three of them have been let down by so called mothers – it’s how you got the job – remember?. If you hurt those children – you’ll regret it, I swear you will.”

“I love them, Stella – I love you all.” I burst into tears and the tigress who was threatening me sat on the bed and hugged me.

“So why are you even thinking of doing something stupid?”

“I can’t cope with this deception any longer.”

“What deception? Cathy, please believe me, you are as female as I am. If it wasn’t true don’t you think I’d tell you. I helped lift the scales from your eyes before, please believe me – you are female, if you can’t see that – then – then go see an optician because your eyes must be defective.”

“Thanks for your support and for caring.” I hugged her and we were both crying.

“Oh shit, move over I’ll sleep here tonight, I need to feel a warm body next to mine.”

“What if Puddin’ wakes up?”

“She’ll scream loud enough to wake me, don’t you worry.”

We lay down together, Stella spooned around the outside of me, holding on tightly to me. “Good night,” I said as I felt sleep overwhelming me.

“Good night, Sis,” I heard her say as I drifted off into darkness.

I woke up with a sense of something having been lifted off me. I couldn’t tell you what it was, but my heart felt lighter. I looked at the clock, it was eleven and the sun was streaming in through the edges of the curtains. I sat up and got out of bed, then showered and dressed.

Downstairs, Stella was feeding Puddin’. “How do you feel?” she asked me.

“Okay, I think – yourself?”

“I’m knackered, some idiot kept me awake half the bloody night.”

I blushed, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”

“If you feel better, I suppose it’s worthwhile.”

“I hope so, but don’t take that as gospel.” I looked around, “Where are the girls?”

“Simon came home and took them off for a couple of days.”

“What – and no one woke me?”

“We did try, you told us to eff off.”

I blushed again, “Oh, did I? Sorry about that.”

“S’okay.”

“Where’s he taken them?” I began to worry.

“Up to Hampstead, don’t worry, they’re perfectly safe – Monica won’t eat them.”

“Why? I mean why has he taken them?”

“I’d have thought that was obvious.”

“No it isn’t.”

“To give you a break.”

“Oh. Where’s Tom?”

“Gone to his doctor.”

“His doctor?”

“Yes, your antics last night brought on an angina attack.”

I felt myself grow smaller and wished the floor would open and swallow me. “I hope he’s alright.”

“It’s a bit late for that if he isn’t.” Stella wasn’t pulling her punches.

“I’m sorry, okay? The only one I wanted to hurt last night was me, okay?”

“Cathy, can’t you get it into your thick stupid skull – we are a family, if one is hurt we all feel the pain. You are the sun around whom we all orbit. If you go out, there is only darkness left – now do you understand?”

“No one is that important, surely?”

“Maybe it’s a unique characteristic of this family, but it happens to be true.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? Many families revolve around the mother figure – she holds them together. You’re the mother figure here – sorry, an’ all that, if you don’t like it, but that’s how it is.”

“But I can’t be; the mother is…”

“Oh stop all that crap, Cathy, you’re female – too bad if you don’t like it, you should have told me before I pushed you through the portal, but it was a one way trip and you are stuck here, girl. So if I were you, I’d get used to it. Now, to more serious matters, are you going to stand there all day or are you going to put the kettle on?”

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Comments

About Time Simon Got His Priorities Straight

jengrl's picture

Cathy has been the glue holding things together for a long time while Simon is gone for days at a time on business. It is about time he got his priorities straight and give Cathy a break for a while. He has been so self absorbed with the bank that he has not been pulling his share of taking care of the girls. I realize that he provides a living for them, but there are more important things in life than money. The girls need him and Cathy needs him. This meltdown was just a symptom of a larger issue. She needed someone to be there for her when she was there for everyone else. I hope Tom will be okay.

PICT0013_1_0.jpg

Powerful stuff

and at last it seems as though Stella's tough love approach might just be working,Lets hope so, Without Cathy it would all fall apart.

Kirri

P.S.
Is Bonzi doing some work on the side? I've just seen a cat in a dress in an advert for spectacles on television that could be Bonzi's double...Are you not giving him enough pocket money!!!

I don't know

Angharad's picture

what Bonzi gets up to when he's out, but I didn't think he was cross dressing - having said that, I once caught him running down the stairs with one of my bras.

Angharad :)

Angharad

>> I need your promise...

Puddintane's picture

Thomas A Harris, the author of I'm OK, You're OK, used to make his clients with children promise not to commit suicide or he wouldn't talk to them, because the harm done to a child by a parent who kills himself, or herself, is both wicked and unforgivable. He extended this general prohibition until the youngest child had reached the age of forty, through odd coincidence the same age one ought to have reached before studying Kabbalah. I always thought it was one of his better ideas.

In the typical suicidal ideation, the prospective suicide tends to think that people will be "sorry" when they're gone, but the usual reaction in such a situation is one of contempt and anger in real life.

Miserable sods.

Cheers,

Puddin'

-

Cheers,

Puddin'

A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style

>> I lost one daughter

Puddintane's picture

Harris was even more contemptuous of people who killed themselves, or threatened to kill themselves, with even a single living parent, for much the same reason.

When a Maryland radio preacher named Larry Tomczak who believes that psychiatry is unbiblical and ungodly, gleefully told a crowd of eight thousand at the Jesus West Coast rally in Chico, California that Harris had, in fact, killed himself quite some time ago, Harris was so ticked off he came back to life and sued said preacher, and the right-wing radio station which carried his frothing gibberish on the air, for nineteen and a half million US dollars in 1980. Slander, you know.

Harris is dead now (since 1995) but he was born in 1910, so this is not particularly surprising.

Cheers,

Puddin'

-

Cheers,

Puddin'

A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style

Stella Is Right

Without Cathy, the entire famuly suffers. Stella MIGHT be able to be a surrogate mother, but that would leave Simon out. No, Cathy needs for Stella to make her fight to liv, make Cathy WANT to live.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Right

NoraAdrienne's picture

Then there are those of us who think that dying is so much better then living. Especially when that life is a living hell.

According to one of my past shrinks, I have a suicide stripe a mile wide running down my back.

It looks like Cathy still

It looks like Cathy still has a ways to go to get over this. Hopefully she'll do so soon, or I'll run out of kleenex! ;)

Saless
 


"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America


"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America

Saless, you must remeber these vital facts about AEAFOAB

One, Ang is evil.

Two, Bonzi, the real author behind this is a black cat and thus ... evil

Three, Ang has vast stock holdings in Kimberly-Clark and other producers of facial tissues. Everytime she pulls a cliffhanger on us she quite literally cries all the way to the bank.

Four, guns don't kill people, people from Texas with guns kill people. I know it has nothing to do with AEAFOAB; I put this in for Karen_J of Texas.

Five, ignor anything John in Wauwatosa says, he's a loony.

John in Wauwatosa

P.S. See?

John in Wauwatosa

Must admit...

kristina l s's picture

....when I read yesterdays and then todays I was sort of... Oh that isn't right, Cathy wouldn't do that... But thinking on it and comparing to my own run at it a long time ago, it works. The events leading up happened over a couple of months (not nearly so dramatic as Cathy's I might say) but to me at the time, big enough. The actual dance with the whirpool only took a few hours and that little black pool at the bottom wasn't really all THAT dark.

The whole thing is not rational, it is not cowardice or fear, it is bleak and lonely, cold despair. No one cares or can so it is best if you're not. If others come into your thoughts at all, it is a misguided belief that they will be relieved and those that may feign care will shrug and go, 'oh about time now we can get on...' The idea of hurt or pain to those left is not even on the radar. Of course some may have a slightly different take, but that's where I saw it at the time.

As I say, a long time ago and not likely to be revisited, but the memory is still there. You do make us think at times don't you Ang and gentle with it. Nice? Maybe not, but worthy of being looked at. She'll be right as we say, or I'll slap 'er one, dozy cow. Think sunny Cathy.

Kristina

That was pretty much my

That was pretty much my experience. I was totally convinced for a while there that everyone was just pretending to care about me and would be relieved when I was gone. I suspect it's quite common.

Saless
 


"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America


"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America

Despair

... drove me to have the same stupid thoughts until with help from a friend who convinced me I was passable, WOMAN enough to take on the challenge, that I decided to go down fighting, fighting for the life I thought I should have. And by the skin of my teeth I succeeded. But unless you have somebody to reach out to, to protect and ground you, it is very easy to give in to despair.

I had merely a glimpse of that black whirlpool and believe me it can be seductive but it is total foolishness.

Kim

It is unfortunate

... that inside every TS, from the most in the woodwork to the most open and public, there will always be that niggling doubt that they are not really women. Now, I know I do not have the extreme doubt that Cathy has, but it rears its ugly head often enough to be annoying - eg when the woman who is about to give you a mammogram asks when your last period was.

We might be paste, but dammit all, we sparkle as good as 'the real thing' (tm).

Kim

So glad to see

Stella able to take charge and help Cathy. What a heavy few chapters we've had.

I Second That Emotion!

Good on ya, Stella! Cathy (and vicariously, we) need(s) you to take charge and you're doing a good job! All that and keeping on looking after Puddin', too! Well done!!

Yours from the Great White North,

Jenny Grier (Mrs.)

x

Yours from the Great White North,

Jenny Grier (Mrs.)

Cathy

She has been needing counseling for long while, but wouldn't get it. Now maybe she will.

What is it about GID that is so painful and scary?

"..........a woman " Jesus H. Christ

th8NXEZD58.jpgI hope this Fugue state passes. I don't know about any one else, but I'm getting depressed also. Cathy, open the passenger door and move over, I'm coming with you !

No tissue warning?

So many tears, keep it up!