No Half Measures - Third Movement - Chapter 20

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No Half Measures
Third Movement
Chapter 20
by Jenny Walker

 


 

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Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-17. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller


 
 
Chapter 20
 
 
It had been a late night and it was after midday when I stumbled out of my bedroom in my dressing gown. I yawned and rubbed my sleepy eyes as I plodded into the kitchen. Jools was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

"Afternoon sleepyhead," she said cheerily.

"Ungh yeah," I said. Or something to that effect.

She set her paper down. "Busy night last night?"

I poured myself a coffee and joined her at the table. I pushed my straggly hair out of my eyes. "You could say that. I got the sack."

"You what?" she said leaning forward a little. "How come?"

I shrugged, "Because I wouldn't give the boss a blowjob I guess."

"What the heck?" Jools exclaimed. "What happened?"

I related the story to her in all its sorry detail. I felt quite stupid now as I really should have seen it coming and I mentioned this.

"No!" she said emphatically and this took me by surprise.

"What?" I said.

"This is not your fault. Don't ever believe this crap that it is your fault. This happened because that sad little sicko of a pervert thinks he can get his jollies by manipulating and intimidating his employees. He shouldn't be able to get away with it."

Jools was steaming and brimming with righteous anger. Although I wasn't feeling too happy myself, I did love her when she was like this. She could get so wired up about things and there was something about her when she was energised like this that was almost a magnetic part of her personality. When Jools was in this mood I really did believe she could achieve almost anything she set her mind to. However in this case, there wasn't anything to gain and a lot to lose.

"I know," I agreed, "but we can't do anything. Go to the police? My word against his. He is the boss, I had a bad evaluation, I tried to come on to him, look at how I was dressed. We all know how it would go. Plus not exactly the best thing to kick start my career is it?"

Jools deflated a little and grinned ruefully. "You're right," she said as she came back down to earth. "He really shouldn't be able to get away with it; he should get what is coming to him. But there is nothing we can do."

Then it struck me, "Maybe there is."

"What?" asked Jools.

I smiled, "I'll write a song for him."

"Huh?" she said with a puzzled expression on her face, "he doesn't deserve it though."

I winked, "He'll deserve this one." An idea was coming to me. I let it brew as I went to shower and dress before heading to the piano. It had to be simple musically and I fiddled around with the chords until I got what I wanted for the verse. Simple alternation between the jazzy chords of G minor 7th with a B flat bass note and C sustained fourth with an F bass note. I hummed out a straightforward melody line. It wasn't the sweetest or the most tuneful but that was just what was required for this piece. The chorus was a little brasher with a progression running from D minor to B flat through G minor 7th to C major with the occasional 7th thrown onto it at times. The melody for the chorus was bold and strong. Now the words. I sat down and played over the events of the previous night until I had the indignation rising to boiling point. This was one of those moments where my pen could barely keep up with my brain and I scrawled out the words as fast as I can. I honestly can say that I had the lyrics written in under five minutes. I tried them with the music and made the necessary tweaks here and there. When I was satisfied, I called Jools in to hear the finished product.
 
 

"Mr. Cool, here comes the big man
 Dressed so flash, he knows he can
 Move and shake and make the waves
 Demand the attention we know he craves
 
 
 But know this little guy
 I can see through you
 The bigger the pride
 The bigger will be the fall
 I'm not gonna cry
 And I'm not gonna do
 What you want Mr. Snide
 For you make my skin crawl
 
 
 So sweet and nice, on the outside
 Think you leave the girls tongue-tied
 We simper and swoon - or so you wish
 In a little bitty pool oh you're the big fish
 
 
 But know this little guy
 I can see through you
 The bigger the pride
 The bigger will be the fall
 I'm not gonna cry
 And I'm not gonna do
 What you want Mr. Snide
 For you make my skin crawl
 
 
 Have the last word, think you win
 For your big bubble oh I've got the pin
 To burst your dreams, hah! Mr. Ego
 You're a skunk - see you later amigo!
 
 
 But know this little guy
 I can see through you
 The bigger the pride
 The bigger will be the fall
 I'm not gonna cry
 And I'm not gonna do
 What you want Mr. Snide
 For you make my skin crawl!"

 
 
It was tongue in cheek, it was loud, yes it was almost cheesy and it was most definitely fun. As I let the final discordant notes fade I looked at Jools and she looked at me and we both began to smile which led to giggles and out and out laughter. She came over and hugged me, "Go for it sister."

I laughed and hugged her back. I felt so much better. I sat back, "I mean it's fun, but can we really use that as a song?"

Jools nodded firmly, "Too right you can. Yes it's a little crass but it's different and it's fresh. It's all in the delivery that lets you get away with it. I mean at that line where you say 'see you later amigo' and you stopped the music and gave that sardonic little wave - perfect! You have to use it."

I grinned, "OK, I'm persuaded and I know just the person to dedicate it to."
 

*          *          *

 
Jon came over on Monday and I played him the new song. I had the mannerisms and vocal inflections perfected to give the song the delivery it needed. It got the same reaction from him as Jools had given, he laughed. He shook his head and sniggered, "My goodness, how on earth did you dig that out of yourself? Remind me never to get on your bad side."

I shrugged, "I got the sack from the restaurant and I'm dedicating this one to my erstwhile boss."

Jon's expression sobered up a little. "The sack eh? How come?"

I winced, "It's a long story and not a very pleasant one."

Jon put his guitar back in his case and went and sat down on the sofa against the wall. I looked at him curiously, "What are you doing?"

He patted the seat beside him, "If it's a long story, I'm damned if I'm not going to be comfortable for it."

I shook my head, "I'd just rather forget about it if you don't mind."

He shook his head more emphatically, "No you don't. If you put such a cauldron full of vitriol into this song, there must be some story to tell."

I sighed and gave in as I joined him on the sofa. I rehearsed through the whole sordid sequence of events. For some strange reason I didn't go into much detail about Sam and how he had taken care of me. I didn't understand why I didn't divulge this but it just didn't seem right. When I finished my tale Jon gave a low whistle and I saw him clench and unclench his fists. "Hey steady on," I said.

He turned and looked at me and with an almost dark expression on his face asked, "Just where is this restaurant?"

I tried to laugh, "You are joking aren't you."

He held my gaze for a moment and then softened and shrugged, "I guess. But someone needs to teach that jerk a lesson."

I put a hand on his arm, "I'm touched by your concern Jon but I'm OK. Nothing bad came of it and we got ourselves another song."

"I know," he replied, "But you do need to be careful. Things are different now as you keep saying. You can't just act as you used to. You have a different effect on people the way you look now."

"I know. I'll be more careful. I promise."

He grinned and then asked, "Did you have to give your uniform back?"

I immediately got a little suspicious, "And why pray tell would you want to know that?"

He shrugged and winked, "Never know, it could come in handy for special occasions."

"Jon Peters!" I exclaimed, "You are incorrigible!"

He laughed and jumped off the sofa out of reach of my grasp and went to grab his guitar, "Nah, I'm just male. Now teach me this new song of yours."
 

*          *          *

 
Over dinner that evening Jools had her official business hat on. "We have to go in to Sony tomorrow Cara and meet with Simon Andrews"

"What about?" I asked between mouthfuls of pasta.

"He wants us to work out a provisional timetable with him of how the next few months are going to pan out. He's keen for you to get into the studio as soon as possible. When do you think you could do that?"

I sat back in my chair and thought for a moment. "OK we have the band finalised, but we haven't practised together. We need to get together and I'd need at least a fortnight or so of solid practice to get us into shape I reckon."

Jools forgot about her dinner and grabbed her diary, "Alright, that would take you to about 13 March or so. Why don't we aim to start Monday 17 March. I'll tell Simon Andrews we couldn't possibly start until April though."

I was confused, "Huh? Why will you say that if you think we are planning to start mid March?"

Jools grinned, "Because you want to let him think we are compromising. I'll say April, he'll say start of March as time is moving on. I'll hum and haw, consult with you and offer him 17 March which he will jump at. He'll think he's gotten a good deal out of it and we get what we want."

I laughed. "Jools, I'm so glad you're on my side. Ever thought about trying to negotiate the Middle East peace treaty or something?"

We both laughed and finished our meal. That evening I was going to phone round the band and tell them to prepare for intensive practice starting on Wednesday, two days away. Jools would hear none of it. She said she was the manager and it was her job. She said I was the star and it was my job to look pretty and sing nice. She was teasing me and I laughed and tried not to rise to it. I rang Jon though and let her ring the others. We chatted about what the best way to go about learning the songs and practising them would be. We worked out a few ideas. He was keen to get the band together and truth be told, so was I. It was good to be eventually getting somewhere. We both agreed that we needed some more songs though.
 

*          *          *

 
"Cara, Julie - how delightful to see you again." Simon Andrews shook our hands enthusiastically and I noticed his gaze linger a little longer on me than was absolutely required. "Come on in to my office, you're just in time for coffee."

I was wearing a pair of tailored black slacks and at Jools' insistence, I was wearing my low cut lilac top. It seemed to be having the desired effect. We chatted and exchanged pleasantries over coffee. He was actually courteous and reasonably charming. I began to revise my previously jaundiced view of Simon. True I had felt hard done by and bitter at my first rejection by him when I was Nick. However as I thought about it, it was that meeting and the feelings I had had after it that had led to me doing the demo disk of the female songs. And we all knew where that had led to. In a sense I had Simon to thank for the person I had become. I mentally shook my head to clear it of such strange thoughts and tuned in again to the conversation.

"Right Cara, Julie. Let's see where we are and where we need to go. Firstly, you have your own band isn't that right Cara?"

I nodded, "Yes that's correct."

He nodded and wrote something down on the pad of paper in front of him, "Julie, I presume you have the sub contractual details for the band members sorted."

It was Jools' turn to nod, "Yes I do. The contract Sony have is with CMA representing Cara and CMA has negotiated the contracts with the individual band members and will continue to do so."

"Good," he said enthusiastically, "we're very happy to leave that to you."

He turned to me, "Now when do you think you might be ready to start recording? I can't emphasise how excited we are here and I am personally about getting a single recorded and released. And then forging on ahead with recording your first album."

I knew the answer immediately but made the pretence of thinking about it and I furrowed my brow a little. "Umm well, now let me see - to be honest, things are progressing well, but I'd be happy with about another month of practice or so." I paused and Jools took over.

"Yes, we were thinking that booking recording time for the start of April would probably be best."

Simon gave a little wince and then covered it up, "Ah right." He nodded slowly, "I have to say, we would like to push the schedule up a bit." He chose his words carefully, "We believe the market is ripe for Cara Malone and we want to strike while the iron is hot. So to speak."

I smiled and blinked a few times, "Simon, you're mixing your metaphors aren't you?"

He looked at me blankly for a second, "Uhh?" He tried to recover, "Oh right, yes I see." He smiled. "You're teasing me aren't you?"

I laughed and shrugged, "Would I?"

He relaxed a little and sat back in his chair smiling, "OK ladies, my cards are on the table. I'm getting pressured to get you into the studio and to get that lovely voice of yours on tape." He saw my mouth opening and he held up a hand, "OK tape, disk, digital media....whatever they use nowadays."

I laughed and leaned back in my chair and let him continue, "So what can you do to help facilitate me on this?"

I looked at Jools and we exchanged a few glances and murmurs. We weren't really saying anything as we knew what the outcome was. We both nodded to each other and Jools cleared her throat before speaking up, "OK Simon. How about mid March, around the 17th?"

His face lit up with a smile and he checked his schedule, "Yes that could work." He scribbled something down and then nodded again, "Yes, that will be fine I am sure." He looked pleased with himself. I had to try hard not to snigger and there was no way I could look at Jools or I knew we would both probably burst with laughter.

"OK, moving on," he said with his suave manner back in the driving seat, "I had thought that we would book time with Air Studios. Does that sound acceptable?"

Jools had a blank look on her face so I knew I had to field this one. "Sure Simon that's grand." I didn't know too much about different studios, but I had at least heard of Air Studios so I figured they must be OK.

"Good, good," he continued, "and we have a good producer and sound engineer team that we have used on different projects before. We think they would be perfect to work with you on this. You probably won't have heard of them but the producer is called Steve Yarwood and the engineer is Tom Dickson."

He was right, I hadn't heard of them, but then again I was new to this side of the business. "Have they produced anyone famous?" I asked.

He hesitated, "We-ell. Not as such." A pause, "But ask me that question in six months time and the answer will be 'Yes, Cara Malone'." He grinned.

I smiled. It was a good recovery. "Alright Simon," I chuckled, "I'll take your word for it."

He grinned, "We are almost done - oh wait." He frowned a little. "There is a slight problem. Our PR department were doing some preliminary work and there is something amiss it seems."

My heart leapt into my mouth, they had found out! Then my mind stepped into the discussion and kicked my heart back down into my chest. How could they have? I told my innards to be quiet whilst I waited for Simon to continue.

"They were trying to register web domains on our and your behalf such as www.caramalone.com, .co.uk, .org, .net and various other combinations. However it seems as if someone has snapped up almost every possible one you could think of. It's a bit worrying that some cybersquatter has got onto this and we could be looking at a costly deal here to reclaim them. Would either of you have any idea if someone who knows of your deal might have done this?"

I shook my head. I hadn't a clue. I looked at Jools and saw she had a strange smile on her face. I raised an eyebrow questioningly. She coughed, "Emm, well I may have the answer there." She had full attention from both of us as she continued, "I sort of registered all those possible domains."

I looked at Simon and he looked at me. He smiled a wry little grin, "Cara it seems as if your friend Miss Carstairs is always one step ahead of the game."

I laughed, "Oh no Simon. It's at least two or three steps."

He laughed too. "So Julie, I'm presuming we don't have a problem then?"

Jools shook her head, "Not at all, I was just being cautious and making sure no-one else got them. I'm happy for your PR department to use these domains for promotional purposes, but of course as the registered owner of them, I'll expect to be able to approve final content."

He shook his head and grinned, "I'll have to keep an eye on you I see. That should be acceptable. Out of interest, when did you register the domains?"

Jools grinned, "Shortly after my first meeting with you Simon, it was back in early December."

That had been before we had landed the contract. I had barely been Cara Malone for any length of time at that stage. Jools really was something else. I never ceased to be amazed by her detailed planning and forethought. I think Simon was also beginning to realise that she was a force to be reckoned with.

"Now, I don't know about you ladies, but I'm starving. What say I treat to you to lunch at a wonderful little establishment I know nearby?"

We both agreed heartily.
 

*          *          *

 
We found ourselves in the Sony canteen on the top floor of the building with Simon. We protested that we felt cheated, but it was all in good humour. Truth be told, the food wasn't actually bad at all. Conversation was relaxed and I enjoyed myself. I found myself warming to Simon more and more. He was just a normal guy trying to do a decent job. He wasn't the ogre I had created in the dark recesses of my mind. He was relatively new to the music business and was working his way up from the lower ranks fairly impressively I gathered. When we asked him what he had done before joining Sony, he was a little evasive and mentioned something about trying to set up his own business but it hadn't gone well. I suppose it was fair enough as I had my turn to be evasive when he asked me questions about my life. I kept details to a minimum and tried to use the truth wherever possible. I didn't want to surround myself in a web of lies that would trip me up.

After lunch, he said he wanted me to meet with one of the PR consultants so that they could get some background detail on me so that they could open a portfolio on me. He said he would go with Jools and meet some of the other people in the PR area and they could sort out preliminary plans for future promotion and the like. I was a little nervous about what background detail would be required, but I couldn't really show it. Olive was a friendly girl who was probably in her late twenties. She brought me into her office and tried to make me feel at ease.

"Hi Cara, now look this is very informal. I just want to chat over some basic things about you and take a few notes. This is only a first chat to get a feel of how to market you. Sorry if that sounds cold and calculated, but I'm afraid it comes with the territory." She smiled apologetically.

I shrugged, "That's OK, I know it has to be done."

And so she began to ply me with questions. What age was I, when and where was I born, where did I grow up. She asked if Cara Malone was my real name. I was a little hesitant at answering but knew I had to. So I told her my real name was Nicola Evans. She didn't see anything incongruous about this and continued with her questioning. She asked about my musical development. When she asked about previous bands I was sketchy on specifics as I didn't want anything revealed that could raise questions as to my previous identity. To her credit, she made most of it seem like a friendly chat and I had to be careful about the depth of information that I revealed. I don't think I stepped out of line though and after about an hour she closed her notebook and declared that she had enough to work on for now. I was relieved and I met Jools in the PR department lobby outside. She was sitting chatting to Simon and we said our goodbyes and took our leave of them. Jools questioned me intently on the way home about what I had been asked, but I eventually managed to convince her that I hadn't let anything slip that I shouldn't have.
 

*          *          *

 
I was up good and early the next morning and met Kate as usual in the park. It was a grim wet morning and we both confessed to having been severely tempted to remain ensconced in our beds. After our customary circuits, we caught our breath and chatted. I admitted to her that one of the reasons I had dragged myself out was that I didn't want to be shown up by her. I wasn't going to be the one wimping out just because it was wet. She laughed and admitted that the feeling was mutual. We both decided that accountability was a good thing.

"Say what are you doing on Friday night?" she asked me.

I was taken off guard, "Umm, nothing I think."

She grinned, "Great! Want to come out for some drinks and dancing with me and some of my friends?"

I inclined my head, "Kate I dunno..."

She interrupted with a teasing smile, "Have you any better offers?"

"Well...no I guess."

"Great, so that's settled. Come on, all work and no play makes Cara a dull....well whatever."

I laughed, "OK, but I'm not much of a dancer."

Kate winked, "We'll get you into shape. You can't be a female singer these days and not know how to dance."

And so we made plans that I would pick her up as her house was on the way to the club she was planning to go to. I wasn't too enthralled at the prospect, but perhaps it would be good to get out with my newfound friend. I knew it could only be a help for me to make new friends and interact with them as Cara.
 

*          *          *

 
It was just before 10 a.m. when Jon arrived. We made a few rearrangements to the back room behind Jools' office so that we could fit the entire band in. Kevin was next to arrive and Jon helped him to lug his drums in. Just as they were bringing the cymbals in, Brian arrived and brought his gear in. Each person found their own space and got themselves set up. We were looking at a period of intense practising so the gear was going to be left set up where it was for the next week or two. Noel was the last to arrive and he huffed and puffed as he brought his keyboards in.

At last everything was set up and plugged in. This was the first time that the whole band had been together at once. I noticed that everyone was looking at me sort of expectantly and I felt that I should say something.

I cleared my throat, "Thanks everyone for coming. I don't know about you, but I'm excited at the prospect of us all working together. We have a lot to do and the clock is ticking. We will be hitting the studio in just over two week's time. We've got about seven songs written at present and obviously we need more. I'm hopeful that as we learn the songs together and develop our sound, inspiration will flow and we'll get a few more songs written. So let's get down to it, anyone got any questions?" I looked around the room.

Jon grinned at me and gave me a little wink. Kevin was bouncing up and down on his stool and I could just about hear a faint bass drum beat emanating from his direction at the back of the room. He smiled nervously, "No questions from me Cara, I just want to get on with it." I looked at Brian and he met my gaze but just shook his head. No words. I didn't really expect any.

I looked at Noel, he smiled and quipped, "I just want to know when I get to meet all the groupie rock chicks." The joke bombed, no-one laughed and he shrugged and murmured, "Hey just kidding guys."

And so we started. If you think that we just clicked and immediately found our sound, you would be wrong. It was awful. It is easier to teach a song one-on-one, but when you are trying to teach it to several people at once who all have their own ideas about how it should sound: it's a recipe for disaster. We had tried one or two of the songs and whilst everyone had the basic order and chords and the like sorted, the sound wasn't right. The entrances and endings weren't tight and as the morning wore on, I became more frustrated. We were still working on 'No Half Measures' and when after the umpteenth time, we didn't get the ending down pat, I nearly lost it. "No, no, no," I yelled. "We do the chord sequence only three times at the end and then a short sharp finish. This is woeful!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Jon's voice say, "Relax Cara. Why don't we break for coffee? It's early days." I sighed and took a deep breath. He was right. We took a break and I felt the tension ease a little.

I think that my frustration arose from the combination of my perfectionist tendencies and the fact that I had been playing solo for about the last year to eighteen months. I wasn't used to working with other people. Sure enough, over the last few months Jon and I had got things sorted between us and knew the songs backwards. The more people involved though, the harder it is. I knew that we just needed the time to develop the musical relationship that a good band needs.

Over coffee, the conversation was a little stilted at first as we all didn't really know each other. I tried to engage Brian in conversation and found that on a one-to-one basis he wasn't just as monosyllabic as I had thought at first. He genuinely seemed to be naturally shy and quiet. He was not without opinions though and he made several helpful suggestions on how we could improve a few things in the two songs we had worked on before. I found myself warming to him. I had previously worried that he seemed aloof, but I reckoned that he just needed time to get to know someone before he would be more at ease.

After coffee, things weren't much better. It was hard work and we grafted away at learning some more of the songs. We had decided that perfection wasn't going to come in one day, or rather Jon had gently suggested that whilst pointedly looking my way. I took the hint. We worked through 'No Half Measures', 'Living Life in Colour' and 'Nine Years Old Again'. By lunchtime I was exhausted and we took a break again.

I found myself sitting beside Kevin. Whereas Brian was quiet and measured in his words, Kevin was a total chatterbox. There were no problems with the flow of conversation. He was a bundle of nervous energy and was always tapping a foot or drumming his fingers on the table or any nearby surface. He was constantly pushing his hair back from his face or readjusting the position of his glasses. I felt nervous just watching him. I grinned, "Kevin relax, you're making me feel on edge."

"Oh sorry Cara," he apologised, "I didn't mean to. Don't think I can't help it. I'm always sort of a little you know like highly strung. Don't really know what other way to be though. Sorry."

I laughed, "It's OK, I'm sure I'll get used to it. Are you really always like this?"

"It is a little worse than normal," he admitted.

"Because of meeting new people, a new band and all?" I enquired.

He grinned, "I guess." He paused, "Plus, well, I'm sort of nervous when...well when talking to women." He smiled apologetically.

I winked, "Well don't worry, I promise not to eat you." After a moment, "That is, unless you keep missing the final beat of 'Living Life in Colour'." He laughed.

After lunch, we plodded on and tried out 'I just wanna be me' as well as running over the songs from the morning. At about four o'clock I felt I couldn't take any more and called a halt to the day's proceedings. There were a few glad but tired looks around the room. We had all found it tough and no-one was particularly relaxed. Jon was the last to leave and before he left I think he sensed my despondent mood. "Hey chin up, we'll get there," he said.

"Will we?" I asked looking up from where I was sprawled on the sofa.

"Course we will. You just have to remember that everyone isn't quite as perfect as you are."

I looked up sharply at that comment to see if he was being serious. He had a big grin on his face and winked. I threw a cushion at him, "I'm not perfect and I don't think I am."

He raised an eyebrow, "No but from talking to some of the guys today, they think you're pretty close to it."

I didn't quite know how to respond and felt myself redden a little, "Umm, what do you mean?"

He shrugged, "Oh you wouldn't be interested, guy talk you know."

"No, go on," I encouraged trying not to sound over interested.

He smiled, "Kevin thinks you are absolutely gorgeous, Noel thinks you are a total babe and Brian even admitted that you are stunning."

I waved a hand at him to cover my embarrassment, "They did not say all that."

"Oh no? OK, you ask them tomorrow."

"I will do no such thing."

He grinned, "Alright, but do cut them some slack. Remember they are overcome with your beauty and find it hard to concentrate." All the remaining cushions from the sofa were launched in the direction of where Jon had been standing before he began evasive manoeuvres and headed out the door laughing.
 

*          *          *

 
Thursday was not much better than the previous day. We ran over the songs that we had already done and whilst there weren't as many mistakes as before, the sound was rather flat. Everyone still had to concentrate too much and it wasn't flowing yet. Nonetheless we worked on relentlessly. We did 'Not dancing, but flying'. For this one, I was going to play piano and I wanted Noel to add some string pads from the keyboard. Again as I sang it, I couldn't hold back the emotion that it called for and I think something of that was communicated to the others and they were able to feed off it. After the third time, I had to admit that it sounded good and it sounded alive. I could see the beginnings of hope reflected on some of their faces.

Over lunch I was chatting to Noel. He didn't have a problem with conversation and I soon gathered that his favourite subject was talking about himself. I found that I didn't have to contribute too much as he told me about which bands he had been in, who he had worked with, and basically how good he was. I got the feeling that he was trying to impress me. I wasn't overly impressed. It wasn't helped by the fact that he spent more time making eye contact with my breasts than my eyes. He seemed oblivious to that fact.

Another afternoon of hard work followed. With all the bodies and electrical equipment in the room, it got hot and humid. I was wearing a blue denim blouse over a white vest top and I was getting hotter and hotter. In between songs, I decided to slip it off and I set it down on a chair and turned round to talk about what we would do next. I found four pairs of eyes glued to me. "What?" I asked. "What are you looking at?"

Suddenly all four pairs of eyes looked away and there was a chorus of "Nothing," "Sorry," "Dunno..". I sighed and rolled my eyes. OK so it was a sleeveless vest top, it displayed cleavage and was short and revealed my lower abdomen. My first reaction was to grab my blouse and put it on again but I decided that would be defeatist. I smiled, "Does anyone have a problem with the way I look?"

Again a chorus, "No," "Not at all," "Definitely not."

"Good," I said nodding firmly, "Cause you are all going to have to get over it and focus on what we are doing." I paused and then continued, "When we're performing live, I'm sure I'll have outfits that are well...look anyways, we've a job to do." I was getting a few strange looks. I smiled, "Look, you want me take the vest off too so you can get used to it?" They laughed and a few eyebrows were raised, but no-one dared to answer in the affirmative. The atmosphere was a little more relaxed and a bit of friendly banter crept in to the exchanges between songs. Correspondingly the music was slightly more relaxed, but still not exactly flowing.

At the end of the day when the others had gone, Jon joined me on the sofa again. "Tired?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm bushed. You?"

"Yep, it's draining. But we are getting there. It'll take time. Wait and see, one of these days it'll fall into place."

I smiled wearily, "I sure hope so."

"Hey trust me, would I lie to you?"

I shook my head, "You wouldn't dare." I paused, "Look...thanks."

"What for?"

"I don't know, for being here, being part of this. I couldn't do it without you."

He chuckled, "Cara Malone, the more I get to know you, the more I think you could do just about anything you put your mind to. But thanks all the same."
 

*          *          *

 
Friday's practice was fairly uneventful and we were settling into our routine reasonably well. We had worked our way through all the songs that we had so far. I wouldn't say that we were spectacular, but technically things were more solid. There was a faint pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel and I sensed that we were starting to play more as a band than a group of individual musicians. I just hoped the spark would soon come that would ignite something special. The guys were getting to know each other better and there was more banter and relaxed conversation. I sort of felt a little left out as the guys seemed to be bonding more with each other. I reckoned it was probably to be expected. I don't know if they felt awkward with me or intimidated or anything like that. I hoped not, but I couldn't really ask them. I made a mental note to ask Jon sometime.

I was picking Kate up at around 8 p.m. and I had had a fair amount of indecision over what to wear. I enlisted Jools' help. She was ever practical. "Well what sort of night is it?"

"I dunno Jools, what do you mean?"

"What's the goal of the night? What are you hoping to achieve?"

"I'm not trying to achieve anything, it's just Kate, me and some of her friends going out for some drinks and dancing." I screwed up my nose a little.

"Don't you want to go?" she asked.

"Well I guess, I think I should anyway."

"I agree. So, just a night out with friends then, nothing more?"

"Like what?"

She shrugged, "Oh I don't know, a group of girls going out...I'm sure you're not looking for male attention." She winked.

"Well I know I'm not!"

She laughed, "I dare say you'll get it whether or not you want it."

After a bit of discussion and trying a few things, we decided on a white satin blouse and a short black miniskirt and my four-inch high heels. As it was an evening trip out, the makeup was more pronounced than normal.

"Looking hot!" Jools complimented.

"Thanks," I grinned.

"Knock 'em dead girl." We laughed.
 

*          *          *

 
I pulled up outside Kate's apartment just after eight and honked the horn. She came out and climbed in.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed, "what a car!" She looked at me, "And you're looking fantastic too. Amazing how you clean up when you're not wearing your tracksuit."

I laughed, "You don't look half bad yourself." She looked extremely good in fact. She was wearing a short red dress that left plenty of her long legs on view.

We went to a club in the Chelsea area and met Kate's friends Cheryl and Lois there. I felt a little uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't really used to this social scene but the friendly chat and easygoing manner of the girls helped me to relax. As I was driving, I didn't drink anything harder than Pepsi. Kate even managed to persuade me to venture onto the dance floor. Despite my protests, she told me that she thought I was underplaying my dancing ability. I thought she was just being nice. I was trying to watch closely what the other girls did and follow suit. There was a fair bit of male interest. Only to be expected with four attractive girls out on the town on a Friday night, but we made it clear that we were just out to have a good laugh together and weren't looking for any escorts. At the end of the night we said goodbye to the other two and hugs were exchanged.

I dropped Kate back to her apartment and she asked me if I wanted to come in for a coffee and I accepted. Her one bedroom apartment was simply but tastefully furnished and her coffee was good too.

"Did you enjoy yourself tonight Cara?"

"Yes, I actually did. Thanks for making me come."

"Making you come? Was it that bad?"

I laughed, "No, I guess not."

She was sitting beside me on the sofa and she gave me a funny look, "You know you look really great tonight."

I felt a little embarrassed, "Erm thanks. So do you. No wonder we were fighting the guys off."

She smiled at me, "Cara, I do a lot of fighting off the guys."

I grinned, "I can imagine."

She shook her head and was serious now, "No, I mean I ALWAYS say no to guys." She gave me a meaningful look. I swallowed.

"Oh," I said. "Erm, are you saying..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

She took my hand and spoke softly, her eyes fixed on mine, "Cara, I think you are exceptionally beautiful and I am very attracted to you. Do you find me attractive?"

I did, but what should I say? "Erm yes Kate, you are very attractive."

She smiled and slid herself closer to me. I felt quite uncomfortable, "Kate, I don't know..."

"Shush," she said gently and brought her lips to mine. She pressed them against mine gently for at least a minute. I didn't know what to do. My mind was swimming with a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. She slid her arms around my neck and began to kiss me with more passion. I was very confused. I did find Kate attractive, but the strange thing was that it felt wrong kissing her. I couldn't explain it. Six months ago if I had found myself kissing a beautiful creature like Kate, I would have thought it was my lucky day, or lucky year, but it didn't feel right now. I broke the kiss, "Kate, no please." She sat back and smiled, "What is it dear?"

"Kate I'm sorry. I just don't think this is right for me. I'm sorry."

She shrugged and seemed to deflate a little, "I'm sorry too. But don't sweat it. I know I was pushing it, but you can't blame a girl for trying."

"No hard feelings?" I asked.

She smiled and shook her head, "I guess I've sort of given myself away, but I hope you don't hold it against me."

"No, I don't. Definitely not. Can we still be friends?" As I said this, I think we both realised how corny it sounded and we both giggled.

Kate hugged me gently, "Of course. We must go out again sometime again, and I trust I'll see you in the mornings for our usual exercise endorphin fix?"

"Count on it," I said.

As I drove home and then later as I lay in bed, I did some serious thinking. All this time, I had been telling myself that I was still attracted to women. And yes I still was. It wasn't that I found Kate unattractive and it wasn't that kissing her was repulsive. It just didn't seem comfortable or natural to me. This was quite disturbing. I didn't really know what I had been expecting or what I was hoping for relationship wise, but now I had serious doubts. I didn't think I could seriously consider a relationship with another woman. It wasn't that suddenly now I wanted to go out and find a boyfriend. Far from it. That wasn't on the agenda either.

I sighed as I tossed and turned in bed. Was I doomed to a lonely life? I had restless dreams that night.


 

To Be Continued...
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Comments

I'm very shocked that there

are not many comments on this story. There is plenty to comment about in this story and yet, most of the readers that do read this don't. I'm sad.

Sephrena Lynn Miller
BigCloset TopShelf
TGLibrary.com

I'd like to comment on your comment!

No Comment!

Just having a go Sephrena, but really -
It is a fantastic story but I'm not going to comment 50 times, I'm up to chpt 20 done 20 kudo's about 5 comments but I'll try harder just for you!

LoL
Rita

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)

LoL
Rita

No Half Measures

I have read the full story and I do love it. Cara does have here up and down but she seems to get throuhg the ruff times. Some times she can't see the tree for the foret.

Grazie, mille grazie!

Andrea Lena's picture

To my dear sister Sephrena as well as the dear author; I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff, but seeing the comment prompted me to read this, and I really like it. I am truly sorry that I am often guilty of the same thing that I find disappointing; It's like me going to dinner at a friend's house, enjoying a fine meal and lovely company, and walking out without thanking the hostess. Well, thank you!

sad_andrea_4.jpg
"She was born for all the wrong reasons but she grew up for all the right ones." Bacci e tanto affeto, Dio ti Benedicta! 'drea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

No Half Measures

I have read this story several years ago on another site it is well written and a good story with a very good ending. Jenny has wrote it so well you almost think its all real. I would love to see the story continue on when she has given us all the currant chapters that are written! Richard

Richard

The right story at the right time(s) for me

I first read this ages ago; it was one of the first really good stories I read when I started looking for tg fiction, and one of the ones that got me hooked on it. It still stands as one of my all-time favorites, which is why I was willing to spend the time to read it again when time is something I have so little of these days, and there are so many good new stories being posted here all the time.

It turns out to be at least as wonderful as I remembered it being, but it resonates with me in a rather different way than it did a few years back. Then, I was just coming around to accepting who and what I was, and still struggling to find a way to live without doing anything about it beyond acceptance, and the story was an escapist relief valve for those pressures. And it served that purpose better than just about anything else I'd come across.

Now, I've not only fully accepted my true nature, I've embraced it and am well on the road to becoming the person I feel I was meant to be, and I'm finding a lot of familiar roadmarks on the path Cara is treading. No, I'm not on the road to becoming a famous musician, and no I'm not stunningly beautiful and leaving a trail of drooling tongue-tied men everywhere I go, but still, a lot of the things she's dealing with as a result of her transition are things I'm now dealing with. I can really identify with a lot of what she's going through in ways I could only imagine before.

Jenny, the me that I was thanks you for this wonderful opus, and the me that I am now thanks you for it again, for somewhat different reasons. And you, Sephrena, for digging it out and dusting it off for us to experience anew.

Hugs, Erin M.

Cara is still sorting

Cara is still sorting herself out and now has the added issue of another woman liking her. but not as a friend. Hopefully the two will stay friends even after this defeated come on, as they do seem to like each other. I am very worried about Noel, as he seems to me to be rather a lecherous person or at least I get that from his various comments.
Janice Lynn

Glad To See Cara

Getting along with the band, but it seems that Jon is becoming a possible boyfriend from the way that they interact, either that, or they're becoming brother-sister.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Being unsure of their sexuality

Angharad's picture

Is quite common among 'new' women, feeling unsure with men and not wanting sex with other women, admittedly there are those who see themselves as lesbian and those who see themselves as hetero-females, but at Cara's stage, and not having had bottom surgery I see her dilemma and share her uncertainty, life and hormones can change things. I suspect in the end she will find Paul and make a relationship with him.

Angharad