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Viewing Note: This story should be viewed with the Edwardian Script ITC font installed on your Windows platform in the c:/Windows/Fonts directory. Microsoft Word installs this font automatically.

Editor's Note: Jenny Walker has graciously allowed me to represent her original story No Half Measures on BigCloset. Originally published on BigCloset Classic, this story segment was migrated over to BigCloset TopShelf on 2005-03-17. Due to the original story presentation format being unsuitable and unwieldy for most portable devices (each part being over 1 meg in length), the story is now being broken up into single chapters for easier reading. The original Movements will be indicated on their respective chapters. The first chapter of each Movement will retain the original comments and read hits so as to preserve them for the author.

Sephrena Lynn Miller

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Chapter 19
 
 
I didn't rise before 11 a.m. the next day and spent a lazy day lounging around the house. I was amazed at how tired I was. Perhaps my mother was right. Perhaps I never have had a proper job. Making music was too much like fun and not hard work in my book. Thinking about my mother reminded me that I should keep in touch with my parents.

"Hi Dad," I said when he picked up at the other end.

"Oh hello....Nicola," a pause, "...how are you?"

"I'm pretty good. And you?"

"Fine."

"Erm, is Mum there?"

"I'll get her for you now." He sounded almost relieved to get off the line. I sighed. Obviously we still weren't close to playing Happy Families.

"Hello dear," my mother said.

"Hi Mum, how's things."

"Oh fine. Not much new. Your Great Aunt Fay is in the hospital with her gallstones again."

I made a few sympathetic remarks as was expected and then things sort of dried up.

My mother sounded anxious, "How are you keeping honey?"

"Oh I'm fine. Honestly." I'm working in what might be a sleazy restaurant wearing next to nothing, oh but I can't tell you that.

"I worry about you Nicola."

"You don't need to worry Mum."

"You will talk to us if you are having problems won't you? You won't shut us out again will you?"

I sighed, "No Mum I won't." I hesitated. I couldn't lie to her or keep it from her any longer. "Mum?"

"Yes?"

"There is something." I paused. "I sort of really wanted to tell you in person. No, to be honest, I didn't want to tell you, but I'm not going to do things like that." I didn't quite know how to go on.

"What is it dear?" If she sounded anxious earlier, she was verging on highly strung now.

"I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come out with it. I've had breast implant surgery."

I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone, but she didn't reply. After twenty seconds or so I felt I had to say something, "Mum? Are you there?"

In a shaky voice she replied, "Yes. Yes. I'm here. Tell me you are joking please."

"Mum, I wouldn't joke about it. It's true. Ask Claire."

"Claire? What has she got to do with it?"

"She came with me to Switzerland to be with me when I went for the surgery."

Her voice rose in pitch and gained strength, "And you didn't think that you should talk to us before doing this? Don't you think this is very irresponsible?"

"What would you have said Mum?"

"I'd have talked some sense into you. Mutilating your body like this, I really can't believe it."

I sighed. In a pained voice I continued, "Mum. You see, that's why I didn't feel I could discuss it with you. You aren't seeing things from my perspective. Tell me honestly, you and Dad are still hoping that this is a phase that I'll get over and things will go back to the way they were. Isn't that the truth?"

A pause. "Yes. Of course we are. What do you expect from us?"

"I don't know. These are uncharted waters for all of us Mum, but I can tell you that this is a one way journey. There is no going back. I don't want to. You don't understand. It feels so right, I know this is who I'm meant to be."

"Because something may feel right doesn't mean it is right," she countered.

"I know what you are saying. But you're wrong in this case."

"Nicola, I don't know what else to say."

"Me neither Mum. I'm sorry, but surely this is better than me keeping you in the dark."

"Perhaps," she said softly and simply. "Look, I think I'll go, my indigestion is coming on again."

"OK. Will you tell Dad for me?"

It sounded like a snort from the other end of the line, "Oh yes. Don't count on him being thrilled about it."

"I won't. Love you Mum."

A pause, "Love you too dear."

I put the phone down and lay back on my bed feeling totally drained. Was this worth it? Was it? I closed my eyes and thought about it. Whilst it was gut wrenching to have to deal with the difficulties it was causing with my parents, I had to admit that the alternative was untenable. Go back to being Nick so that I got on better with my parents? The thought of going back was more frightening than anything. In more ways than one. Yes when I compared the relative benefits of being Cara or Nick, Cara came out way on top.

It was a lot simpler than that though. I realised that I was increasingly happy being a woman. It just felt right. I knew I hadn't got everything sorted, but I knew I wanted to work at it and sort myself out. Personally I knew who I was as Cara. I knew where I was going...mostly. Sexually? Well I had a lot of work to do there. It wasn't as if suddenly I was turned on by big hunks. I certainly found women attractive but hadn't had the same drive or desire as I once had. I had put a lot of that down to the hormones. However I had to acknowledge that I did view men differently now. Living as a woman had to affect my perspective in that regard I reasoned. I took a certain pride, even pleasure in being found attractive by a man. I didn't know if it was anything more than that. For now.
 

*          *          *
 
That evening at work was hectic. I was assigned my own tables. Not quite a full quota but I found it hard to imagine how I would handle a full workload as I seemed to be run off my feet. The previous evening Linda had made it seem so manageable. My head was spinning with taking orders, passing them through to the kitchen, picking them up and delivering them to the right table, getting the dessert orders at the right time, clearing the tables and sorting out the bill. It was a lot harder than it looked and I developed a new found respect for those who worked in the hospitality industry. Linda was friendly and helpful and whispered encouraging words to me when she could. Mandy continued to look at me as if I were a she-devil and I thought as I walked past her once that maybe she even murmured the word 'bitch'.

I made a new friend in the kitchen. Sam was one of the kitchen staff. Junior associate chef he called himself. He was about twenty I reckoned. Tall, slim and black and with an ever present smile.

"Now you cheer up Nicola," he said as I delivered yet another order. "I'm not gonna make you your orders unless you give me a smile. That's the deal and I'm sticking to it."

I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Sam," I said gratefully.

"For what sugar? I ain't done nothing. Yet you make me feel like I'm in heaven by smiling on me?"

I laughed and it did lift my spirits. He continued to flirt with me yet there was something different about it. Out on the floor the men would leer and wink at me. It was certainly flirting, but it made me feel dirty and cheap. Sam was gentle and respectful. I wasn't attracted to him, but I enjoyed the exchanges.

"You're breaking my heart Nicola girl," he said.

"Why?" I said asking the expected question.

"Cos I hear you ain't working tomorrow night and I'm a gonna have to work my hands to the bone without the prospect of seeing that angelic smile."

"Sam, you're flirting with me," I said with a laugh.

"Damn straight I am girl. But you're gonna be the death of me."

I fell for it again. "Why's that?"

"Cos I promised my Momma on her dying bed that I'd never fall for no white girl and here you are making me break my promise to my dear departed mother."

I didn't know how to respond but Jim, one of the kitchen hands guffawed and gave Sam a pretend slap on the ear, "Your Mum would kill you if she heard you talk like that, if I see her I'm going to tell her what you said."

Sam held out his hands in protest, "Well, it's the sentiment that counts." He smiled at me and winked as he handed over the latest meals to deliver. I laughed to myself as I went to leave them down. It was a table of four increasingly drunk businessmen. As I set the last plate down, I felt a hand on my backside. I stood up sharply and turned to the man who had felt me up. I tried to keep my composure and smiled, "Now sir, you really shouldn't be doing that. What would your wife think?" I had noticed a ring on his left hand.

He laughed and winked lecherously, "She wouldn't be surprised darling."

I raised an eyebrow and put a hand on my hip, "Lucky woman."

The irony was wasted on him, "Oh she is, sweetheart. She is. You could be lucky too if you play your cards right."

I laughed, "Oh I don't think so." I was glad to make my retreat. Towards the end of the night, things began to slow down and I reflected on what was the difference between the disgusting flirting of the patrons and the flattering harmless chat from the likes of Sam. I realised that flirting in the context of a relationship, I mean friendship, was pretty much alright. No matter how new the friendship. If there was respect there, some sort of friendship, it seemed OK. With the customers, there wasn't that same bond and it just seemed tacky and repulsive. I don't think men realised that at all. I know I hadn't thought about this until seeing it from the other side. I decided to try some flirting of my own.

"Sam," I pouted, "you promised me those chocolate fudge cakes for table 4. Are you taking other girls' orders over mine?" I batted my eyelashes.

He laughed and held a hand to his heart, "Nicola dearest, never. Sam's your man, count on that. I'll have them for you in just a jiffy." And he did. It seemed harmless. I mean, I didn't have any deeper intentions and I don't think Sam had. It was all a bit of fun. It had certainly brightened my evening up.
 

*          *          *
 
I didn't have to work again until Wednesday so Jon had arranged to come over on Monday again. He laughed when I told him about where I was working. He had heard of it too it seemed.

"Isn't that the place where the waitresses wear the skimpy uniforms?"

"Yes," I admitted a little shamefully.

"And you are comfortable dressing like that?"

I felt a little defensive. "Well, it's not exactly my choice. But I don't think I look bad in my uniform."

Jon closed his eyes for a moment. I couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing?"

He opened his eyes and grinned, "Just trying to imagine you in that miniskirt and fishnet stockings."

I gasped, "Jon!" I threw a plectrum at him and he laughed.

We played and practiced. Tried new sounds, mucked about with bits of new songs. We didn't really achieve much in real terms, but we had made giant leaps on the grander scale of things. The musical relationship is a strange almost ethereal thing. Like musical telepathy. I would know what he was thinking, where he was going - almost at the same time as he did and vice versa. We would play this sort of game where one of us would pick a key and start improvising and the other had to keep up and see if they could work out where the other was going. We were getting very good at it. After a marathon blues jamming session we ended with a note perfect tight ending and after the last note had died away, we both just laughed. Music was such a release. Things also seemed more relaxed between us too.

"Jon?"

"Mmm?" he said with a bite of sandwich in his mouth.

"Are things...I mean are we better now?"

"How do you mean?" he asked wiping his mouth.

I shrugged, "Well, I don't know, I mean things seem less uptight if you know what I mean."

Jon grinned, "Yeah." He shrugged, "I suppose. Maybe I'm just getting used to you. I mean you're not so different."

"Am too! All this work I put in and you say I'm no different," I protested with a pout.

He raised an eyebrow and I saw a twinkle in his eye, "Didn't I tell you that I'm immune to your charms?"

I lowered my head a little and looked up at him through my lashes. I gave him a sultry smile and said, "That sounds like a challenge to me."

He laughed, "You know, you're right - you are different. Don't take it the wrong way, but you look incredibly sexy when you do that." He chuckled and resumed eating his lunch.

So did I, but I knew things were different. Previously he would have clammed up at the hint of such an exchange. Now he was more like the easygoing Jon I knew from before. It was good. However his words had a strange effect on me too. I felt a sort of glow inside me. I knew he was sort of teasing me, but it made me feel really strange.
 

*          *          *
 
On Tuesday afternoon I had had an appointment with Dr. Carson. She seemed pleased to see me and was keen to check on my recovery from my recent surgery. As she examined me she nodded, "Well I guess he earned his money. I know there are scars there and I can barely see them. Very impressive." After I dressed again, I sat before her and she set her pen down. "So Cara, how are you feeling?"

"Erm, I'm fine."

"And you are happy with the results of your surgery?"

I couldn't keep the smile from my face, "Yes I am. I don't know why, but I feel so much more..." I struggled to find the word, "...natural I guess."

"No regrets?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and then shook my head, "No, no regrets. This was not only something I knew I had to do, but when it came to it, it was something I wanted to do and I'm delighted with the results."

She seemed satisfied with my responses, "That's good Cara. Any problems with the hormones?"

I grimaced a little, "Well apart from the moods they give me at times, no."

She laughed, "It's all part of the deal you know." She paused, "Cara I want to recommend something and I think you'll initially react against it but hear me out." I was intrigued and listened intently, "I would like you to see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist."

She had been right about my reaction, "What on earth for? Do you think I'm crazy or something?" My voice had a little more intensity in it that I had intended.

She held up a hand and spoke gently, "I told you to hear me out. I don't think you are crazy. Far from it. But I would be negligent as your physician if I didn't ensure you had the proper assessments performed and documentation made as you continue with your transition. This is very much a normal part of standard procedures."

I felt more reassured and even felt a little foolish at my outburst, "Oh right. Sorry for nearly exploding." I smiled apologetically.

She shrugged, "It's understandable. Now there are a few excellent professionals I can refer you to, but I want to give you some choice. Would you prefer it if you were referred to men or women?"

I thought about it for a moment. For some reason the idea of baring my soul to a man seemed abhorrent to me. I didn't quite know why. Perhaps I feared how a man would react to my story and my transition. I knew they would be professional and that this would be nothing new to them, but I couldn't get over my initial reaction. "I think I'd prefer to be referred to females, if that's OK."

She nodded, "Not a problem. I'll send off the referrals and you should get word of appointments in the next few months. There is one other thing and please, please don't jump down my throat this time." She winked at me and I smiled. "I want to suggest that you are tested for HIV."

I didn't explode, but I was puzzled, "Why?"

She was a little hesitant, "Let's just say that you need it documented if you are ever planning any...further...surgery. I'm not saying you ever will, but this needs to have been documented in that eventuality."

I nodded slowly, "Well it's not something I'm considering at all, but I'm happy enough to have it done if you recommend it." And so I had more blood taken and left with an appointment to come back in about 2 months for another consultation.
 

*          *          *
 
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday revolved around work. I found I was so exhausted after a night in the restaurant that I wasn't really fit for much the next day. I had only managed to make a few morning runs with Kate earlier in the week but after a work night, there was no chance of that. And I didn't have the energy or inspiration for playing much music. Jon cottoned onto that and tactfully invented things he had to do until the start of the following week. So much for my great plan of having a job that wouldn't interrupt my daily schedule. Work was tough, but I was getting the hang of it. By the end of the week I was managing a full quota of tables. Just about, but I was managing. I was getting to know my fellow waitresses and there was a certain camaraderie. Some of the male waiters had hinted at asking me out, but I had politely tried to deflect their advances. They seemed to read between the lines. Unlike the punters who were continually ogling, trying to cop a feel and making innuendoes at me.

"How do you put up with it?" I asked Irene.

She laughed, "Oh you get used to it. Stop thinking of them as men. Picture them as apes and it doesn't seem too out of place."

I laughed, "I guess, it just makes me feel sort of cheap."

A voice from behind me, "Would have thought you'd be used to that." It was Mandy. She strutted off haughtily without looking behind her. I turned to Irene who just shrugged. "Don't worry about her," she advised.

Sam was as incorrigible as ever. "Nicola!" he gasped one time when I went back with an order. He was doubled over and his face serious for once, his eyes wide.

"What is it?" I asked with concern.

"Can you see if there is a doctor in tonight?" he gasped between gritted teeth as he held his abdomen. Jim was supporting him and was looking worried too.

"Oh my god, what's wrong?" I said.

He suddenly stood bolt upright, smiled, winked and said, "Cos I got a bad case of the loving a white girl and it's gonna be the end of me."

I rolled my eyes. I felt a mixture of relief at there not actually being anything wrong and indignation at being set up. "You!" I said pointing at him. "By the time I am through with you, you will need a doctor."

Sam laughed and high-fived with Jim, "You're saying all the right things baby." Then the smile suddenly disappeared from his face and Jim stopped laughing too.

"What now?" I said, "I'm not falling for another of your tricks." They didn't smile. There was a cough from behind me.

I turned and found myself face to face with Jenna. Not surprisingly, she wasn't smiling either. "Miss Evans. I'm watching you. More time looking after the customers and less time being the silly little girl with the boys if you please." I felt like a naughty school girl being told off. Which was I suppose quite understandable given that I was dressed as the proverbial naughty schoolgirl. I apologised and returned to my tables feeling very sheepish.

Later in the evening when I was collecting some desserts Sam apologised. He was serious for once. "Listen Nicola, I'm real sorry for dropping you in it."

I waved a hand at him, "Don't worry Sam, she was probably looking for an excuse."

"No I mean it. I know I kid about and tease and all. But you seem like a real nice girl and I don't mean to get you into trouble."

I smiled, "Thanks Sam." This was a different side to the joker than I had seen up until now. I think he must have read my mind or something.

"Hey don't worry girl, I'm not about to ask you to marry me or anything." He paused and I laughed. "Yet!" he added with a wink and turned back to his work.
 

*          *          *
 
I rubbed my eyes, "I don't know Jon, but we need to find someone." It was Tuesday afternoon and we were discussing our keyboard player. Or rather our continued lack of one.

"Well none of the ones we talked about are available. I haven't spoken to Noel Dawson yet though."

I nodded slowly, "I don't think I know him. He was the one who was supposedly off the drink or something isn't that right?"

Jon nodded, "I've met him a few times. He was a loudmouth pain in the ass back then. I don't know, maybe he's changed."

"Can he play?"

"Oh yes, he can play alright."

We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke again, "Well, time is marching on and I think we are going to have to get ready to go into the studio soon enough so the sooner we get this sorted the better. Want to get in touch with him and see if he will come over for a try out. No guarantees on either side though. We'll see how it goes?"

Jon agreed and managed to track Noel down that evening. He agreed to come over the following afternoon. Jon and I were sitting on the sofa waiting for him to arrive. He looked at me thoughtfully, "Why did you do that today?"

"Huh? Do what?"

"You know, dress up special, and do your hair up, make up and all."

"What? I'm a woman now remember. It's what we do."

He shook his head, "No I mean, you're dressed up nicer today because Noel is coming over isn't that right? When it's just the two of us, you just you know wear like a blouse and jeans." Today I was wearing a white polo neck and short denim skirt with my black leather boots.

I smiled, "Oh so I don't look good in my blouse and jeans."

He rolled his eyes, "That's not what I'm saying. Of course you do."

I nodded, "OK, you're right. I don't really know why. I guess it's meeting someone new and wanting to make a good impression." I paused and a wry grin formed at the edge of my mouth. Jon noticed.

"What?" he asked.

I chuckled and winked, "Or are you worried that our relationship is going stale and I don't make the same effort for you any more?"

He snorted, "You're bad. Very bad." He suddenly reached over and began to tickle me.

"Ow, stop it!" I protested, but he didn't. He continued and I tried to fight him off. He persisted and my efforts only succeeded in landing myself on my back on the sofa with Jon practically on top of me. We both realised the incongruity of our position at the same time. He stopped tickling and I stopped fighting. It was one of those awkward moments. Jon grinned lopsidedly and slowly got up. I sat up and smoothed my skirt that had ridden up in a most unladylike manner.

Jon chuckled, "It's as well no-one walked in just then."

I laughed, "What would they have thought?"

Before long, there was a ring at the doorbell and Jon went to get it. It was Noel. He was tall and stocky with a mop of unruly black hair. He was slightly overweight but not as much as I was expecting. Jon had remembered him as being quite podgy. He wasn't now. I stood up and smiled shyly.

"Umm Noel Dawson, this is Cara Malone." Jon made the introductions.

I held out a hand and he shook it enthusiastically. "Hello, pleased to meet you Cara." I noticed his eyes look me up and down, but I didn't think much of it as I was getting used to this. What I did take more notice of was the appearance of a slight frown on Jon's face as he spotted Noel's glance. I put it out of my mind for now.

"Noel, glad you could come over. I'm not sure how much Jon told you?"

Noel shrugged, looked at Jon and then back at me. "He says you're putting some sort of band together and needed a keyboard player. That's all." Jon hadn't mentioned the record deal it seemed. I thought I'd play along with that approach and see how things went first of all.

Noel familiarised himself with my keyboard and Jon and I grabbed our guitars. I gave Noel a few scraps of paper with chord progressions on them and we started to play. Jon was right. Noel could play and he wasn't a slow learner either. He managed the rocky numbers without any problem. Next I showed him how I played 'I just wanna be me' on the electric piano. He picked it up fairly well. He didn't play it just quite as I liked, but I figured it was only his first time hearing it so it wasn't bad. We jammed a bit and improvised and I was fairly impressed.

"So Noel," I said, "what do you think of what we're doing?"

He smiled, "You've a great voice, great songs, Jon rocks. It sounds good to me."

"You're interested then?"

He nodded, "Oh yes."

"Do you have any other commitments at the moment?"

He hesitated, "Err no, I'm sort of between gigs at the moment." I suppose looking back, I should have paid a bit more attention to this and various other clues, but more of that later.

We welcomed Noel aboard and he signed his contract. He seemed delighted at the cheque for his share of the advance and we promised to get in touch in the next few weeks to begin band practices. Jon showed him out and then came back into the room.

"Well that's us all sorted now," I said brightly.

"Umm yeah," he said.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Probably nothing."

"What is it?"

"Nothing really. Just that...," he clammed up again.

"Come on!"

He sighed, "OK, on the way out, he asked if you were single or seeing anyone."

"Oh," I said.

He nodded and shrugged.

"What did you say?" I asked.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and kicked at the door frame idly, "I said as far as I knew you weren't seeing anyone. That's right isn't it?" He looked up.

I nodded, "Yes. It probably doesn't mean anything. Don't worry he's not my type."

Jon smiled mirthlessly, "Yeah. Just be careful."
 

*          *          *
 
I had to make my excuses to Jon and get ready to dash off to work. In fact I was running so late, I figured I wouldn't have time to change when I got there so I pulled my uniform on and threw a change of clothes into a holdall. I borrowed a long coat from Jools' room to make myself look more decent. Jon hadn't left yet. He was fiddling around on his guitar. He came wandering out when he heard me come down the stairs.

"Got your uniform on under the coat?" he asked idly.

I nodded, "Yes, I'm running late. Won't have time to change when I get there."

"Can I see it?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"You don't want to see it."

"Yes I do."

"Why?"

"Just interested."

I sighed and slipped the coat off and struck a pose. His eyes were like saucers and his jaw dropped. I shook my head, "Come on Jon, not like you haven't seen anyone dressed like this before." Then I realised that his gaze was focussed on my all too evident natural cleavage.

"Oh," I said and I pulled my coat around myself again.

He blinked a few times and looked away. He reddened and murmured, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare."

I took a hesitant step towards him, "Sorry Jon, I didn't mean to shock you."

He shook his head, "No, it's OK. It just caught me by surprise. I mean I hadn't really thought about it much, but well....wow."

I laughed, "Are you OK?"

He shrugged and grinned, "Sure. I mean, like it's none of my business." He paused and then looked at me analytically, "How are you getting to work?"

"The tube of course."

"Nuh uh. Not dressed like that."

"I've got a coat," I protested.

"I'm driving you," he insisted.

I grinned, "You sound as if you are my father."

He gave me a strange smile, "Just looking out for you."

I was grateful for the lift as I was now running very short of time.
 

*          *          *
 
I ran into Trin's Dins at two minutes past four and almost ran into Jenna. She wasn't smiling, needless to say. "You're late," she said in her grating voice. I thought about protesting that it was only a few minutes but one look at her expression convinced me otherwise and I just apologised meekly. I got a little lecture about having to pull my socks up. She informed me with what almost seemed like pleasure that Jerry wanted to see me tomorrow evening at the end of my shift as it was the end of the two week probation period and she would be providing him with an evaluation. I gave an involuntary shudder as I got the impression that it wouldn't be overly favourable. Then again I found it hard to imagine her giving anyone a good report.

The evening passed without event. I served my tables, fended off the usual advances, offers and proposals and managed to avoid Jenna as much as possible. In the changing room at the end of the shift, I was sitting beside Linda and voiced my concerns about the evaluation and meeting Jerry regarding my probation. She tried to reassure me, but then something very interesting happened. Mandy came over and sat beside me. She sat there in silence for a moment. I sat there and expected some sort of catty comment, but it didn't come. I was about to get up and go when she put a hand on my arm. It was a gentle hand and she softly said, "Wait a minute Nicola." I was puzzled but waited nonetheless. All the other girls left and I looked at Mandy unsurely.

She smiled, "Look, I'm sorry for being a bitch to you. You're pretty decent really and I wanted to warn you about Jerry."

"What about him?"

She sighed, "Listen, you know that you have the sexiest uniform." She paused.

"Yes? Go on," I prompted.

"Do you know that after a probation period, your wage is related to your uniform?"

I was confused now. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, the sexier your uniform, the better your pay. Not dramatically different, but better all the same."

"But why?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, maybe he and the witch from hell get off on it. Maybe it's a control thing. But just watch out. Don't expect Jerry to let you wear it without having the favour repaid. Not many probationers have ever worn it."

I felt growing concern within me but despite my insistent asking, Mandy wouldn't say anything else. She looked almost ashamed. "Just be careful," she said as she left.
 

*          *          *
 
The next night, I almost considered phoning in sick. I told myself I was just being paranoid though. The thought that Mandy might be screwing with my mind even occurred to me, but she had seemed genuine. Jenna was in foul form and handed me a mammoth table assignment. It seemed more than the others and I was going to mention it, but the foul stare she gave me as I approached discouraged me from speaking up.

"Joy of my life, what's up? Gentle flower, why no smile?" Sam of course.

I found a smile, "Oh just a little preoccupied I guess."

"Why so?" he asked, "And more to the point, what can I do to cheer the love of my life?"

I laughed, "Oh I'm just being silly and nervous. Tonight's the end of my probation period and I have some sort of evaluation at the end of my shift."

His expression seemed to darken for a moment but then he smiled, "And how could one as fair as you fail to shine?"

I smiled, "You're probably right, I'm being silly."

The table load I had though soon started to get on top of me. I was falling behind in my orders and customers were getting restless. Linda tried to help out but Jenna chided her for ignoring her own tables. I felt horribly swamped and was run off my feet. Jenna hissed at me from behind at one point, "Get a move on girl, stop slacking." Despite my best efforts, I mixed up some orders and some of the diners, fuelled by a little too much alcohol, began to complain loudly. Jenna came over and actually smiled at them. To be honest, it was a scary sight and I found I actually preferred her frown. She appeased them and in front of me apologised saying that I was inexperienced and relatively new and that she would get a more suitable waitress for them. She called Irene over. Irene flashed me a sympathetic look when she thought Jenna wasn't looking. I felt so humiliated.
 

*          *          *
 
At the end of the shift, Jerry came out and beckoned me into his office. He wasn't smiling. He pointed at a chair in front of his desk. He sat down behind it and looked at some papers on his desk. After a few minutes he looked up and sighed. He took off his glasses.

"Nicola. Do you really want this job?"

"Of course I do." I replied. What else was I supposed to say? Perhaps I would have been better actually thinking more carefully before replying. The indignation and pride within me had made me answer with little thought.

He sighed again. "Jenna isn't overly happy with your work you know."

I nodded, "I figured that. I'm sorry. It's all new to me and I've tried hard."

He nodded and gave a little smile. "I'm sure you have. But you have to understand that we can't carry staff who aren't committed."

"I understand," I said. Although I wasn't sure that I really did.

He stood up and walked around his desk and perched on the edge of it. "Nicola dear, you are a very attractive girl and I think you could have a promising future here. What do you say to that?"

I felt a little uneasy. "Erm, that sounds good," I replied hesitantly.

"You know that the uniform you wear carries a lot of responsibility don't you?"

I wasn't sure if he meant my specific uniform or the uniform in the general sense. "I guess so," I replied slowly.

He smiled, "Good girl. I told Jenna that I thought you deserved another try and you are starting to convince me that I was right." He stood up and walked behind me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and it took all my effort to stop myself from flinching.

He continued, "You strike me as someone who is determined to do what it takes to get what she wants. Would I be right?"

Now I felt sure something was wrong. However I was also scared so I replied cautiously, "Pretty much."

He patted my shoulder and walked back to stand in front of me. "Good girl, I knew you would understand." What he did next freaked me out. He started to pull down his trouser zip and I noticed an obvious bulge in that region. I jumped to my feet and sent the chair flying behind me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled.

He looked startled and pulled his zip back up. He regained his composure and looked irritated now. "I thought you understood what was required of you," he hissed angrily.

"I can't believe this. This is sick," I said and ran to the door and walked briskly out into the darkened restaurant.

"Think about it Nicola," he called from behind, "Do you really want to throw away this job."

"Stuff your pathetic job," I shouted over my shoulder.

"Suit yourself you dumb slut," he shouted back at me and then slammed his office door.

I turned to make sure he wasn't coming and then turned back and bumped into someone. I nearly screamed and then I realised it was Sam.

"Shush," he said gently, "it's only me. Are you OK?"

"No, I'm not OK," I said angrily and then the tears began to flow.

"Dirty bastard," he muttered and pulled me close and put an arm around me. "I'm going in there to give him a piece of my mind this time."

I grabbed his sleeve, "No Sam. Don't do it."

His eyes flashed, "Why not? I'm not going to stand by and let him talk to you like that."

"It's not worth it."

"Not worth it? I can imagine what he pulled on you in there. The hell it's not worth it."

"Sam don't. Don't lose your job on my account."

He stood there and seemed caught in a dilemma. "Sam please," I pleaded. I saw him seemingly melt and he turned back to me. "Come on then," he said gently, "You go get changed, I'll wait outside the changing room for you and then I'll see you home."

"Sam you don't have to..." I began to protest but cut it short when I saw the look he gave me. "OK thanks, I really appreciate it."

I got changed quickly and was glad to find Sam waiting for me. He put an arm around me and guided me out onto the street. It wasn't particularly cold, but I began to shiver fairly violently.

"Hey," he said softly, "Come on, let's go somewhere warm and get you something to drink."

"It's OK Sam, I'll be alright."

He smiled at me, "Come on flower of my heart, trust Sam on this."

We walked a few blocks to a quiet pub that was still open and went in. I gratefully took a seat by the fire and Sam joined me with two drinks in his hands. "What is it?" I asked tentatively.

He grinned, "Jamaican rum. Just what the lady needs to warm her up."

I screwed up my nose but took a little sip of the liquid. It burnt my throat and I felt the warmth spread through me. I became aware of him sitting looking at me. "What?" I asked.

He smiled, "Just thinking how beautiful you looked..."

"Sam..." I tried to interrupt.

"...for a white girl," he finished and winked.

I laughed, "You're a terrible flirt you know."

He chuckled, "Don't tell me you didn't like it."

I nodded, "You're right. I did. It was one of the few things that got me through some evenings in that place. Gah. I can't believe I thought I actually wanted that job."

"What are you going to do now?"

I shrugged, "Oh I'll be alright."

"No seriously, don't you really need the job?"

I hesitated, "Well I did need a bit of extra cash. And I guess the paycheck I got from Jenna earlier is the only one I'm getting. But I'm actually a musician and the waitressing was only a temporary thing."

He smiled a wide smile with teeth. Lots of them, perfect gleaming teeth. "A musician? What do you do?"

I grinned. "I sing and play piano and guitar."

He shook his head slowly and smiled, "I knew there was something different about you."

I looked at him, "And what about you?"

"What 'bout me girl? Me just a poor boy tryin' to make an honest wage."

I flashed him a sceptical glance and he chuckled, "Alright, it's a fair cop. If you must know, I am pretty much a poor boy. But I'm working to pay my way through medical school."

I smiled. "I knew there was something out of place about you. Half the time the flirting was casual slang talk, but then you would come out with something so poetical that it just didn't seem to fit."

We chatted for about an hour about this and that and then he insisted on taking the same cab home as me despite the fact it wasn't anywhere near where he was going. I got out of the cab outside our apartment and looked back in. "Sam, look thanks for everything. Thanks for being there for me tonight." I impulsively leant in and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled and put his hand on his cheek. "My Momma once told me that the kiss of the white girl was like poison." He shrugged and smiled, "But to me it feels like the sweetest nectar from the most beautiful flower." He winked at me, "You take care of yourself Nicola."

"You too Sam," I said and waved as the cab drove off.

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