Tragedy Of the Spirit Part 25 Burden Of Existence* Episode 1

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Tragedy Of The Spirit-Revised
Chapter 25 Burden Of Existence* Episode 1
By PrairieGirl64
Edited By Stanman63, Proofed By JennFl and Nora Adrienne

I awoke on Friday morning with a severe headache and inclination to jot a poem, not a good one in my recollection. However; it holds some meaning
now that I have located it in my journals. I have decided to post it here. Firstly I would like to draw back to fall of 1987. That particular day did not begin well for me. I faced yet a challenge that today; it is amazing that I have kept a level head.

The only reason that I did was because of the Lord. I did not know what was to happen that day, but I do believe that He was with me, even if though I was blind to His Presence in my life at the time. You see, I was still the battle weary girl at the time; I had yet to find Him, even though He had already accepted me.

September 22nd.

I woke up with my entire body aching and my vision not quite what I thought it would be. Stumbling to the bathroom and almost falling. I grabbed the wall and tried unsuccessfully to maintain my balance, but I fell. Then I struggled to get upright. Jenn was at work, I was alone and a bit scared. I felt extremely weak and somewhat disoriented. I eventually managed to make it to the bathroom and attempt to look at myself in the mirror.

As blurry as I appeared in the mirror, I knew that something was drastically wrong with me. I stumbled towards the phone by holding onto the walls, only to fall once again. Nearly missing the table in the kitchen, I reached the phone. I dialed 911 and waited till the ambulance arrived. I was assessed and rushed to the ER.

Once at the ER, I was given a battery of tests. Those included a CT scan and a MRI. A battery of blood work was done on me, and then I was admitted to the hospital. The following morning, I was still disoriented, was not completely aware of my surroundings. Attempting to rise from my bed, I fell to the floor, crashing hard. The nurses came and placed me in the bed, told me that if I needed anything, that I was to call for them. Several hours passed by and the doctors arrived. My GP was first in and was first to speak to me.

DR: "Good Morning Melissa."

Me: "HI," was all I could muster out of my dry mouth, I could barely see him.

DR: "This Dr's Mac Millan and Hughs." I nodded even though I could not see them clearly.

He proceeded to explain to me what was up with me.

DR: "Melissa, We have determined with the results of the MRI and the CT scan that you have Multiple Sclerosis."

I was not sure what the hell that was let alone what they were talking about. What the hell is this Multiple Sclerosis shit? I was getting antsy, and very scared. What was wrong with me? What had broken in my body? Had my time on the streets finally caught up to me in some way? He went on to describe the symptoms to me.

DR: " MS, Melissa, is a neurological disorder that affects the mylin lining around the nervous system, it can cause all sorts of problems. Though the symptoms can be from dizziness to blindness to musculature spasms. They can also be deadly."

Fuck!!! He got right the heart of the matter. I was getting shakes and all I remember was the nurse being called. Did I call Jenn at Work?" If I did, why was she not here?

///////////////

I was awake several hours later. I was not sure what had transpired in the previous several hours. I was shocked and taken aback with what I remembered my GP mentioning to me. I never gave Mac Millan and Hughs an opportunity to speak to me at all. Jenn was called I guess and the message was that she would be up after 7:P.M. that night. I was still having vision issues, and just could not wrap my head around this, at all.

I began to wonder, "Why? What the Fuck? What was happening to my perfect body? Well, OK, maybe not exactly perfect, just my body."

I swore I would look after it and I damn well did a good job of it too. Was this my fault? Was this my idiotic parents doing? I was lost and getting pissed in the process. I pushed the call button and the RN came in. Her name was Natalie; she was tall, thin, short blonde hair cut pixie style, blue eyes and an eagle tattoo on her ankle which I could see under her nylons. She washed me, and asked, are you alright? Do you need pain medication?"

I gratefully answered, "No, Ma'am. I am fine. What went on this morning?"

"I will get a hold of Doctor Hughs. He will explain things to me."

I just nodded my head.

Ninety minutes later Doctor Hughs and Jenn walked into my room. After a gentle hug and greetings, Doctor Hughs proceeded to tell me what was actually going on with my body. For fuck sake I was 23 years old I did not need this shit to happen to me. Hadn't I been to hell and back? Shit!!!!

DR HUGHS: " Melissa, I understand you are wondering what was going on and what your body is doing to you."

I nodded.

"Well, basically, in simple terms, your body is having a fight with in itself to maintain electrical impulses to your muscles and your brain. The problem is that we do not know why or how, but your body is fighting."

I started to cry while Jenn held my hand.

"I am a neurologist; I mainly looked after MS clients, so I am now going to look after you. You are to undergo more tests to figure out the extent of the MS."

He left, and Jenn and I talked.

Jenn: "My God Girl! I cannot leave you alone it seems without something going on in your life."

Me: "Yes, looks that way, girlfriend. Shit, I cannot understand this."

Jenn: "What happened?"

Me: "This morning, I woke up with my entire body aching, I tried to get up, but fell. Eventually, I saw how bad I looked in the mirror. Then I got to phone in the kitchen, and called for help."

Jenn: "Yes, I saw the table and the wall where your hand prints are, and the disarray of the phone table. The EMT'S left a bit of a mess. But I cleaned it up."

Me: "Sorry about the mess."

Jenn: "Don't be! You are sick!"

Me: "OK, Jenn, how did you find out? I don't remember calling you."

Jenn: "The hospital called me at work. When they did, I began to worry about you."

"Me : "Sorry, Jenn!"

Jenn: "As I said, don’t be. Do you need to contact, anyone?"

Me: "Only you."

She left and I went to sleep.

***********

Over the next 5 days, I was given a multitude of tests; I was a wreck to say the least. I was diagnosed with Remittent MS, which means I will have bouts of fatigue, dizziness and bouts of vision loss. I was given meds to assist me in dealing with them, Copaxone along with vitamins. My HRT was also changed to a lower dosage. I was released several days after that.

********

Over the course of the fall and winter, and the following several months, I developed an attitude in how I dealt with this. I attended to my University classes, pouncing on them with a vengeance. Talk about a double whammy. My malady had only made me even more determined to succeed. Well, as you already know, I did. But I wonder if I would have succeeded as well without the MS.

***********

That Christmas, I was having a quiet dinner by myself when I started shaking very violently. I was told that I knocked a lot of things over. I ended up back in the hospital and was hit by the realization that I had Epilepsy. I knew I had tremors etc. I never expected this to happen to me twice in a few short months. I began to wonder what would happen next. Would I contract breast cancer?

Again, I was given Medication to assist in the seizures. They never worked the way that they were supposed to. I was taken off of them, one after another to try to find one that worked. Finally, I was given a medication called DILANTIN. This med has assisted in maintaining my seizures within limits. I still have seizures; I have been told that some are very violent. I was once again comforted by Jenn and she was obviously filled in on what had happened to me.

I was shaken to the core twice in a few short months. Fuck! My life was hell. What was going on with me? Was this punishment for something? Or maybe more punishment. Fuck! I had no idea. I later found out I had had the Epilepsy since I was a little kid. I really started hating my life once again, becoming more and more depressed. I channeled my energies into school and trying to talk about this with Jenn and those that would listen to me. I wrote a little piece of prose that kinda summed up how I felt. It is called the BURDEN:

MY BURDEN

MY BURDEN WAS TO BE BORN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO TRY AND LIVE…
.
MY BURDEN WAS TO ACCEPT MY FATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO ESCAPE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO RUN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO HATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO DEGRADE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TO TRY AND LOVE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN WAS TO WONDER WHY? ….

MY BURDEN WAS TO DISTRUST GOD….

MY BURDEN IS TO FEAR MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TRYING TO CARE FOR ME….

MY BURDEN IS TO GROW OLD….

MY BURDEN IS TO BE ALONE….

MY BURDEN IS TO DIE….

MY BURDEN ALONE AND NO OTHER…. END OF DISCUSSION!!.

Melissa N Copyright 1987 (prairie_girl_64)

The weeks progressed into months, and eventually turned into years and the MS gradually increased upon my life as well as my epilepsy. I was so shaken, shaken to the core. I was so scared. I looked at this as a continuation of the personal hell that I was to endure in my life. I began to feel like I was a total burden on those around me. I began to feel that I was just that, a burden. To Jenn, to those I met and talked too at university, to work, too those I met at the bus stop each morning. Yes I felt self pity. For the first time in my life I felt like a failure.

My life was turning to shit, and I was being dragged into the pile. I was so emotional, I was so scared. I was so pissed off, too. Yes, I almost ended my life, there and then, but I didn't. I came to realize that after many long and arduous chats with Jenn and those around me, that I had some kind of purpose. Yes, I dated, however, none panned out. I was kinda glad of that though.

I still have bouts of depression today over my place in this world and if I truly am a burden to those around me. I guess that I will never know, for sure. I often think of how my life has changed so dramatically and drastically over the course of my life. That in the early part of 1992; I would face my most challenging and most scary event in my life, 8 months later.

In October of that year, I would be on a downward spiral. This event would test me to the limits and send me to extreme thoughts and depression. That Event would be with JASON. I would dub him my hell on earth experience since my "father". And I may be extremely kind here. Hell on earth does not and will not express my thoughts and feelings here. Damn I hate my life..........

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Comments

The Burden of Existence

This part of Melissa's tale frightens me the most because in many ways I see her mental anguish and fears as being mine. I have been so fortunate, indeed blessed, with the strongest support system over the past ten years.

Now that support in no longer as readily available and I'm living on my own. If I'm not mentally engaged in some way, I begin to think about myself and I become depressed. This usually begins on Friday evenings and ends with Monday mornings. My depression does rear it's ugly head at other times, but the alone times are the worst.

I cannot see a time when this will no longer afflict me. Reading this part of Melissa's tale is almost like a glimpse into my future if things remain as they are. My hand holder, the hug that does me the most good, is across the ocean in her homeland (our homeland).

I need to survive here for one more year. The two hour phone calls simply do not make it. I will join her. In truth, we really need one another.

When Melissa writes; "I still have bouts of depression today over my place in this world and if I truly am a burden to those around me. I guess that I will never know, for sure." I am so very frightened that this will be my future. I need to be surrounded by those who love me so that I might think myself to be a blessing and not a burden.

Sharp-clawed paw of the past.

The past persistently does not wish to release Melissa from the claws. Both a multiple sclerosis, and an epilepsy - "gifts" from her "parents".
Between an epilepsy and the uncountable traumas of a head endured by Melissa in the childhood, connection so obvious as between a cancer of lungs and smoking.
About a multiple sclerosis it is impossible with to tell dead certainty the same, but, probably, it became one of the reasons of occurrence of this illness.