Part Two - At the doctor's office.

I think I just floated through the day, because all I got were compliments, and a few of the teachers told me that I was wearing too much makeup. I didn't care, I was in seventh heaven. I was going to enjoy this day, because when I got home, I knew mother would demand that I take this outfit off. She was going to go ballistic when she saw me, after school. I really don't want her upset with me, but I have to be who I am. I only wish she could see that. The bell for the end of the day rang all too soon, and it was time to face mother, who was waiting for me outside.

Bobbie, Cindy, and David walked out with me, and when mother saw how I was dressed, she got really wide eyed, then she looked like she was going to yell at me right there. But she waited, until we were away from the school.

"Where did you get those clothes? I wanted you to be dressed like a boy when you see Dr. Johnston."

"I got them from my locker," I lied. "I always keep a set of clothes here, so I can change. Mother, I have to be this girl inside, and not you, or this doctor is going to be able to change my mind."

"We will just see about that. Come on, then, you haven't got time to change. I don't know why you are doing this to me."

"What am I doing, mother? All I have done was be me. What is so wrong with that?"

"Because boys don't dress like this. This is the way girls dress, and you are not a girl. I keep telling you that, but you don't seem to listen. I only want what is good for you, and I don't want to see you in trouble."

"What is good for me, mother, is your love, and accepting me as your daughter. That is all I want."

"Well, when we get there, I want you to act like a young man, and not some little girl."

"Act like a young man, mother. Dressed like this. No. I will act as the girl I am, because that is all I know how to do. You want me to be a young man, and I need to be this girl inside of me. I am going to tell the doctor exactly why we argue a lot."

"Well, the bus is coming. Here is your fare. We will have this settled once an for all, after we see Dr. Johnston."

We got on the bus, and sat down. We just sat there without talking, because mother didn't want to make a scene in public. While we were on the bus, nobody looked at me twice, except a couple of high school boys on their way home. I smiled when they looked at me, and mother must have seen me.

"Ronnie, you're too young to be flirting. Now turn around, we are almost there."

The bus stopped just before the doors of county hospital, and we went in. We went up to the fourth floor, and went to the desk. Mother told the lady who I was, and who were to see. She told us to have a seat, and the doctor would be right with us. We waited what seemed a long time, and while I was waiting, another girl came over by me, and asked if I wanted to play dolls with her. I said yes, and we went over by the toy box. She took out two dolls, and we gave them names, and pretended we were the mothers. The receptionist was watching us, and when I just happened to look toward the doctor's door, she smiled at me. The doctor opened the door, and called my mother in first. After some time had gone by, I was called into the office.

"Hello, Ronnie. My name is Dr. Johston." He held out his hand, but I just sat down. "We're not too friendly today. Why is that?"

"Because my mother wants me to be a dumb old boy."

"Well, that is logical, I'm afraid, because your body is male. Male persons are known as boys or men when they get older. I see that you are dressed like a girl would be. Why is that?"

"Because," I said pointing to my heart, "I am a girl in here. This body is just making things difficult. Everybody wants to tell me how to live, how to dress, and what I can even read. In my civics class, we are told that this is a free country. But everytime I turn around, my mother is dictating how I should live. If this is a free country, who is it free for; the adults only?"

"Well, I can see that you're pretty mixed about this. Tell me why you want to be a girl."

"I don't want to be a girl. I need to be a girl. There is this girl in here," I said pointing to my heart again, "that needs to be allowed to come out and be seen, and to grow up. But everybody says that boys can't be girls. I wonder, doctor, if you remember Christine Jorgensen."

"Yes I do, and in my opinion he needs a lot help."

"She, doctor, she. Christine is a woman."

"She still has the male body, and that makes him a he."

"Doctor, I can see this is not going to be a very good talk. I will be me, no matter what anybody says."

"Well, you know that a boy wanting to be a girl, is a problem in today's society."

"I don't consider my being the girl I am, a problem, except..."

"Get out of my office, I never want to see you again!"

I ran out of the office crying, and crouched down in a corner by the elevators. Mother came out a little while later."

"It's all right, Ronnie. He doesn't want to see you any more anyway. Don't worry about it, because I will take care of it."

"Why are people so mad at me? All I want is to be your daughter. What is so wrong with that?"

"Because you are a boy, and boys just can't be girls."

"Then why does everybody else accept me as this girl that I am? I don't understand any of this."

"That is why you need to grow up first, then if you still want to be a girl, you can do whatever you want. But right now, my job is to raise you according to how society sees you, and they see you as a boy." I just thought to myself, 'oh no they don't'.

"Then why does everybody else, except you and that stupid doctor in there, see me as a girl? Explain that to me."

"Well, just know everything will be fine. I will take care of it."

This was March, and my sister had just turned two years old. I was just home from school, and I changed out of my school clothes, and put on one of my skirt outfits. Mother wasn't home, she was upstairs by her friend. I figured, I would go over to Bobbie's, and I left a note telling mother where I was.

I rang the bell, and Bobbie's mother answered it. "Hello, Ronnie. Please, come in." I went in and sat down on the sofa.

"Ronnie, you don't look too happy. What happened at the doctor's office?"

"He kicked me out, and said he never wanted to see me again."

"But, why?"

"Because I told him that my being a girl wasn't a problem to me. So he told me to get out of his office, and that he never wanted to see me again." I started crying, and Mrs. Granger just held me. "I don't understand why my mother doesn't love me."

"Shhh, it's all right dear. You have a home here, if you ever want it. If you did that, then we could go to the children's court, and get you fostered in here. We would really love to have you here, Ronnie. You have known Bobbie since you were little, and you have become very good friends. I just want you to know, that you have every right to be who you are inside."

"Thank you, Mrs. Granger. But my mother is sneaky. I am very sure she is planning somethig. Just what though, I can't say."

"Well, don't you worry about it, dear. I'm sure that whatever it is, you will come out of it stronger."

"Thank you, Mrs. Granger."

"Bobbie isn't home right now, but if you want, you can stay here until she gets home."

"I have to get back home, because I have homework to do. Will you tell Bobbie I was here?"

"Yes, dear, I will." Her smile was like sunlight on a cloudy day. It seemed that I had a family here, but didn't have one with my mother. I left and went back home.

When I got in the door, I was grabbed from behind, and my mother's friend started to undo the buttons on my blouse. I tried to break my mother's hold, but I couldn't. I started crying, and my mother's friend stopped unbuttoning my blouse. My mother let go of me, and I ran to the other side of the room, and was just shocked by what had happened. I slid down the wall in the corner, and just crouched there and cried. I knew mother didn't want me to be a girl, but I never thought she would go this far.

My mother's friend went back upstairs to her apartment, and mother just went in her room. I just sat there crying. Why does mother hate me so much?