What Mother Didn't Know
by Barbara Lynn Terry

This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of any characters, places, events, or experiences, relating to any real persons, places, events, or experiences is strictly coincidental. This story is a product of the author's imagination. Also, if you have not had any of these experiences, please do not count what you read as either false or unrealistic.

Part One

Chapter One - Ronnie just needs to be herself.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a girl. Maybe need to be would be more correct. I just turned twelve years old in August. I have long, light brown hair that shimmers when light hits it. I have wide blue eyes, eyelashes any girl would die for, an oval face (I get that from my mother), and even a tiny figure. Not much of a figure, but enough not to be mistaken for a boy when I am dressed as a girl. My mother has never seen me dressed as a girl though, because I was never at home during the summer. I would go and stay with her best friend's family up north. There I was accepted as the girl I am, and was allowed to dress the part also. I always stooped down to get something, or pick up something that I dropped, I even stooped down to clean the oven, the cabinet doors below the sink, and to put the pots and pans away. I never bent over. I was always told it was bad for the back, and anyway stooping is more dignified and ladylike.

My mother always tried to correct the way I did things, telling me only girls did things that way. She was born in the late 1920's, and of course was so old fashioned. By the time I was born in the late 1940's, she had finished high school, and beauty school and was a licensed cosmetologist, as well as a very good cocktail waitress at one of the famous restaurants. One day while she was working in the beauty shop, I went there to ask her for a little money to see a movie. This was Saturday, and I wanted to see Walt Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. She gave me two dollars, and told me to be home by dinner.

I left the store, and went to the Warner theater. I paid my fifty cents for my ticket, and bought a small soda and a box of jujubes. I still had a dollar left. I went in and sat down. When the movie started, I sat and listened to every word, watched every scene closely, and tried to mimic them as they were saying their lines. Everybody in the theater booed at the evil stepmother, and cheered when the prince kissed Snow White to wake her up. When the movie was over, I headed to the bus stop and went home. We lived on the city's near north side, so I had to take a second bus to my corner where we lived.

I got off the bus, and waited for the traffic light to change. When it was green, I looked all ways to make sure no cars were coming, and the ones at the red lights were stopped. I got in the house, and tried to mimic the lines and emotions of the characters in the movie. Mother came home almost right behind me. I went in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of apple juice. As mother began getting out the pans to make dinner, she looked at me and smiled.

"How was the movie, dear?"

"It was good mom. Mom, when the evil stepmother was making her plans, and then became the woman selling apples, everyone booed in the theater, and when the prince kissed Snow White to wake her up, everybody cheered."

"Well, at least you had a good time. Dear, would you get me a couple of carrots and one thing of celery?"

I opened the refrigerator, and stooped down to open the drawer, and get out the vegetables mother wanted.

"Honey, only girls stoop down like that, and you're not a girl. Boys bend over to get things."

"Mother, I know you keep saying that, but I know some men that stoop. Up north. They say it is better for your back, than bending is."

"Well, I just don't want you getting in any trouble with the boys, because they may think you're trying to act like a girl, and may hurt you. I am just looking out for you, dear."

"Yes mother, I know you are. But even in school they tell us to lift things from the floor with your knees, instead of your back, because then that helps lessen back fatigue and injuries."

"All right, but I want you to know that how you stoop, and pick things up from the side, is more a feminine thing than it is a guy's. Because when you stoop down dear, you keep your legs together. Only girls do that, that I know of."

"Mother, this is 1961, and things are a lot different than they were when you were a teenager. When you were in school, they had the great depression, and customs were different then. But today, we are a new generation that has learned to accept things as they are, and not necessarily what a man or a woman would do, or be. We even have a couple of gay kids in our class, and they are respected for being themselves. They never bother anyone, and even though there are a few kids who give them grief, they just go on like nothing bothers them. So I don't intend on having any trouble."

"Well, I was just looking out for you is all. Now, would you set the table for us, dear?"

"Yes mother."

When I was finished putting our plates, silverware, and napkins on the table, mother sat down with the cutting board, and the stew meat, and diced the beef into even smaller pieces. When she was finished, she took the cutting board over to the stove, and pushed the meat in to the small roaster. She rinsed off the cutting board, and started cutting the vegetables. She put them in the roaster with the meat. She mixed up some gravy and put that in also. By this time the oven was preheated, and she mixed up the vegetables and stew meat, and put the pan in the oven. Then she poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat down to have a cigarette. I sat at the table with my legs together, and my hands folded. Every now and then, I would brush an errant hair away from my mouth, or eyes, or I would just flip my head and my hair would go back in place.

"Honey, I am concerned by all these feminine movements you have. Like just now, brushing the hair away is definitely a feminine gesture, and the way you flip your hair back into place is too. I don't know if you noticed it or not, but you have a definite feminine swivel to your hips when you are walking. So I need to ask you this question. Are you gay?"

"No mother."

"Then why all of the feminine gestures?"

"Mother, I don't see anything feminine. I just do what I do, and every body movement, and every action just comes natural."

"Natural? Not for a boy they aren't. I am getting more concerned because you are twelve years old, and even though when you were younger it may have been cute, but it isn't cute any more. You are going to grow up to be a man, and you have to start acting like one."

"Mother, I can't say that I am doing anything feminine. Remember that when you were growing up, men were men, and women were women. But like I said too, this is 1961, and times are different. What was feminine when you were growing up, isn't necessarily feminine today. People today mother, are individuals, and we act like individuals. We are no longer living the life someone else dictates for us. We are living our unique, individual lives. When you were growing up, it was expected you act the way society dictated. But today, things you see as feminine, are out of date, and no longer matter.

"Today mother, there are men who are nurses, women who are mechanics, and everybody lives the way they want, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. See mother, this is the age of Camelot, as they call President Kennedy's administration, and we are young at heart and in body. We have no illusions of grandeur, no uptight sense of right or wrong. We live for today, because tomorrow may never come. So the things you see as feminine, we see as normal and natural."

She took a deep breath, sipped her coffee, and took a drag from her cigarette. "Well, I still say you're acting like a girl."

I just rolled my eyes to the ceiling and said, "oh mother." Then I giggled.

Yes, I was doing feminine things. The way I walked, the way I stooped, the way I held my hands, and the way I brushed or flipped my hair away from the front of my face. When I had groceries, or packages in my hands, I was careful not to walk up the stairs with my feet pointing in front of me, but always walked up the stairs kind of a little sideways. Even my voice was high for a "boy" my age. What mother didn't know, is that I was not going to correct any of my movements. If anything, they were going to get more pronounced, and more fluid. By the time I was out of high school, I would be so fluid in my movements, that I could go anywhere as a woman, and not have a problem.

This was the last week in August, and I had just come back from up north on Friday. School would start on Tuesday, the day after Labor Day. I went to my room, and hung up my clothes. I put my soiled underwear in the laundry, and folded and put away the clean ones. When I started back to the living room, I could hear mother on the phone talking my aunt. She was my mother's only living sister, my other aunt had died as an infant in a car accident. I stopped to listen what mother was saying.

"So I don't know what to do, Hazel. I have talked to him and pointed out the things I was concerned about, but he says that this generation accepts these as normal for everyone. What do I do?" There was a pause, and I couldn't hear aunt Hazel, but then mother spoke again. "All right Hazel, I'll try that. Maybe that will help him see that what he is doing is noticeably feminine." She sighed again, and hung up the phone. I came in nonchalantly, and said I was finished putting my clothes away.

"Sit down, Ronnie, we have to talk." I sat down on the couch, and she looked at me, took a deep breath, and began her lecture. "Ronnie, I was just talking to aunt Hazel, and I explained to her the things we talked about, and she said that maybe you should see a psychiatrist. He will help you get past these feminine gestures."

"He, mother? Why can't it be a lady psychiarist? There are women who are psychiatrists too, you know."

"Ronnie, I will not argue. Your aunt Hazel gave me the name of a very good child psychiatrist at county hospital. I will make an appointment, and I want you to see him. His name is Dr. Johnston. Now just go and do something. I can't call his office until Monday anyway."

"Mother, Monday is Labor Day, you'll have to call him on Tuesday." She just groaned.

I went back to my room, and took out the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. I laid on my bed on my tummy, and read. Mother came by and saw me, then she said."Honey, only a girl lies like that on her bed, when she is either writing, reading, or even doing homework. I should know, because that is the way I laid on my bed, when I did those things. So sit up straight like the young man you are. And what are you reading? Little Women? Don't you like stories like Hucklberry Finn, or cowboy stories?"

I flinched when she called me a young man. I couldn't figure her out though. Up north I was accepted as the girl I am, by everybody who knew me, but my own mother felt I was an embarrassment or something. I would have to talk to some of my girl friends tomorrow. They would know how I could get around this. I wasn't too keen on seeing a psychiatrist though. All they wanted to do was take your money, and give you medicine for a pretend psychosis. A friend of mine went to see a psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist said he was bipolar, whatever that is, and he has to take a lot of medicine for what the doctor said. And she even wants to tell me what I should read. I am definitely going to have to talk to Cindy and Bobbie tomorrow and see what I can do. I didn't want to give up being this sweet girl for the few months I would be here with mother. Mostly, I would stay up north and go to school there. But here, mother wanted to dictate my life.

Chapter Two - Ronnie continues to explain things.

I didn't know how long I could take any more of this. Mother always taught me never to judge others, and treat others like I wanted to be treated, but here she was judging me, and telling me I needed to see a psychiatrist. I had a lot to think about. Should I call grandma Dolly and see if I can go back up north? Should I tell her daughter Caroline, my mother's best friend, about what mother is doing? What should I do? Well, tomorrow I will talk to Cindy and Bobbie and find out how to handle this situation. We have always been there for each other, and maybe they can tell me what to do. It was getting late, so I put the book mark on the page I was reading, and closed the book.

I went in the bathroom and ran my bath water. I put in some of mother's bubble bath, and when the tub was filled, I got in and sat down slowly. Mother had a big flesh colored sponge, and I used that to squeeze the water all over me. After being in the bath, and having soaked every part of my body with the fragrant water, I washed all over, and rinsed off. I got out of the tub, and patted myself dry as my girl friends had taught me up north. I then wrapped the towel around me like they showed me, and went to my room. I had just gotten in to my pajamas when mother came in. She gave me a kiss on the forehead, and asked me if I had a handkerchief, and then said good night. After she closed the door, I got out of bed, and out of my pajamas. I took one of the nighgowns Renee had given me. It was lavender in color, and had lace around the hem and the sleeves. It came just to my knees, and I got back in bed.

When I woke up, the sun was coming in through the window. I got up, and changed back into my pajamas, and went to take my bath. Mother came by just as I was putting in her rose scented bubble bath. She looked like she was going to say something, but then just went on to her room. When she came back out, she came in the bath room, and sat on the toilet and started talking.

"Ronnie, I am worried. Only a girl takes a bubble bath, and only a girl wears a lavender nightgown to bed, especially one with lace on it. Where did you get all of those girl's clothes from?"

"I got them from my friends up north. See mother, I don't see myself as having feminine movements, because they are natural to me. I know you keep telling me that I am a boy (I flinched), but that is only on the outside. Do you remember George Jorgensen who went to Copenhagen, Denmark, and came back Christine Jorgensen? I am like she is. Mother, I know you think that I would have problems being a physical girl, but I don't. Even David says I am pretty. Mother, you taught me to accept others, and treat others like I want to be treated. But here you are, treating me like I am an embarrassment to you, or something. Why can't you accept me for who I am?"

"Ronnie, you are not going to be a female. Women in this world are treated worse than some criminals. We are second class citizens, we get paid less than a man for the same job, we are abused and cheated on by our men, and we will never amount to anything in a man's world. I cannot have my first born child be a female in any manner. I should throw those clothes out, so you have no choice but to wear your normal clothes. And if the girls up north are giving you their clothes to wear, I should forbid you to go back up there. Ronnie, you are a boy, and in today's society, boys don't wear dresses, or skirts, or bras, or panties, or nightgowns, and boys today don't take bubble baths. If you want to know the difference between boys and girls, I will show you. I will explain everything in detail and why, so you can see that you can never be a female anyway. I love you, and I don't want to see you get hurt."

"So in other words, you want me to live your life, the way you dictate it, and you don't care how many of my toes you have to step on to get me to listen. Mother, if you throw my dresses, skirts, under things, and nightgowns away, and forbid me to go back up north, I will run away. I have enough know how to make it on my own. The only thing I will miss is school. If you can't accept me for me, then I am ashamed to call you my mother. Besides, it isn't that I can't be female, it's just that you want a phsyical son that you can brag about." For that remark, she slapped my face. I ran to my room crying.

Mother came up to my room, and sat on my bed. "I'm sorry, dear, but you can't be a female. It just isn't possible."

"That shows how much you know. If Christine Jorgensen can be female after surgery, so can I. You just don't," I sniffled a little, "love me. If you really loved me, you would make sure that I was happy, and not happy the way you dictate, but by being the physical girl I am inside."

"And that's another thing too. You can never have children because you don't have the proper parts, and you can never have a monthly cycle. Ronnie, I am only trying to let you down easy, because being a woman isn't easy."

"Mother, did you hear what you just said? You have a high school diploma, and a certificate of cosmetology, and you are good at what you do. But I happen to know that there are women that are born barren. They can't have children and they can't have a monthly cycle. But that doesn't make them any less of a woman. No mother, your argument doesn't make it. You just want me to stay a boy so you can brag to people that you have a son. Mother I can't be that son, you so badly want. If you can't bring yourself to let me be who I truly am, then I have to leave. I can't live here like this and be sad. If you really love me, and you really want me to be happy, then you would accept me for who I truly am, and let me be this girl screaming inside of me to be seen, and loved, and nurtured. Why can't you see that?"

"Well, I see this isn't getting us anywhere. Get your school clothes ready for Tuesday, and I will make an appointment for you with Dr. Johnston at county hospital. You need help, Ronnie, and I will not throw those female clothes out, but I want you to promise me that you will only wear them in the house. I just don't want you to get hurt."

"Mother, please go downstairs and have a cup of coffee, and a cigarette. I will be down in about an hour."

She left, and I got up and went to my closet. I took out my cream colored dress, a full slip, and picked up a pair of pumps with two inch heels. I went to my dresser, and took out a pair of lavender panties, a lavender bra with lace around the cups, and a pair of stockings. I went in the other drawer and took out my garter belt.

I laid everthing on the bed, except for the shoes, and went to take a quick shower. I used mother's perfumed soap, and I was finished in about ten minutes. I patted myself dry, and wrapped the towel around me like a girl would. I went back in my bedroom, and I took out the cosmetics I was given. Mother hadn't found these. I put on the bra, panties, and full slip, and sat down at the table in my room, and took out a small round mirror I could use to apply makeup. I put on black eyeliner, blue/pink eye shadow, and black mascara. Then I put on a light tan foundation, and then I brushed a light dusting of powder over that. I stepped into the dress, and zipped it half way up, and took a hanger and zipped it up the rest of the way. I applied a light pink lipstick, and blotted it and then put a little more on, and blotted that. I sat down on my bed and rolled one stocking up one leg and did the other leg with the other stocking. I stepped in to the pumps. and looked at myself in the bathroom, full length mirror. Everything was straight, so I went downstairs to show mother what her oldest daughter looked like.

I must have been quieter than I thought, or she was so wrapped up in thinking about me, she didn't hear me come in. I walked past her, and stood where she could see me. I put my thumb and forefingers on each side of the dress, and did a twirl for my mother.

"Mother, my name is Susan Marie, and I am your oldest daughter." her mouth just opened so far, I was afraid she would attract every bug there was. "Mother, close your mouth, you are not a Venus flytrap."

She stood up uneasily, and tottered for a bit, until she got her bearings, and then came over to me, and did a walk around, looking at me from all angles and sides. She had her hand on her mouth, as if in deep thought.

"Ronnie...I mean, Susan Marie, how did you get everything so perfect?"

"Mother, I am a girl, whether you want to admit that or not, and when I go to see Dr. Johnston, I am wearing one of my female outfits. What you see now, is who I truly am. Now do you think you can accept me as I am?"

"You still have to go to school as a boy though. They won't let you dress this way there."

"Oh you are so right, mother. The old archaic rules of girls are girls and boys are boys. Just what does that mean, anyway? Does anybody actually know the answer?"

"I want you to make sure you don't go outside dressed like this. I don't even like you doing it in the house, but if you must, you must. I will wait until I talk with Dr. Johnston. But for right now, you can dress like this in the house, but not outside."

I stayed in my outfit for the rest of the evening. Mother usually sat next to me when we watched Ed Sullivan, but tonight she sat on the other end of the couch. I was very hurt by this. If my mother loved me so much, why can't she accept me as I am? This was all very confusing. My mother wanted me to behave a certain way towards others, but when it came right down to it, she couldn't or didn't want to, practice what she preached. I also wondered if she would go with me to watch the Labor Day parade, downtown. Well that was tomorrow. The day after tomorrow, was the first day of school.

Mother said she didn't want me dressed like this when I went out. I wonder what she would say to tight jeans, a v-neck, western shirt, and my sandals? It was something to think about. A lot of girls are dressing androgynously these days. All my girl friends have at least three or four androgynous outifts. I will try it with a little mascara, and face makeup. That is an idea. After Ed Sullivan was over, I tried to give mother a hug and kiss good night, but she pulled away from me. That even hurt worse than her not sitting by me. I said good night, but she didn't say anything. I told her I still loved her, but she just went in the kitchen, and started crying.

I went in my room, and got out my lavender nightgown, and a pair of panties. I went in the bathroom, and ran my bubble bath. As I went back in my room, I could hear her through her sobs, asking why, why. I got out of my dress, and hung it up, I washed my stockings and panties though, in the bathroom sink. The tub by this time was filled, so I turned off the water, and sat down slowly. I sponged water all over me, and when I was thoroughly drenched, I washed all over. I didn't hear mother come up, but I heard her bedroom door close. When I finished with my bath, I rinsed off, and patted myself dry. I put on my panties and nightgown, and decided to see if she would talk to me.

I knocked on her door, and she didn't say anything. "Mother, let me come in so we can talk." Still nothing. She was still crying, so I went to my room, and got in bed. I wasn't going to feel guilty about her crying over this, because she was the one who told me to accept others, and not judge who, or what they are. The only thing I was sorry for, was that she didn't practice what she preached. It didn't make any sense. I turned off my lamp, and laid down, and went to sleep.

Chapter Three - Ronnie goes to the parade.

When morning came, I got up, and went in the bathroom to run my bath water. I looked for the bubble bath but it was nowhere to be found, even mother's perfumed soap was gone. So, she wants me to be a man. What kind of a man? Well, anyway I had a bar of perfumed soap I had brought with me, but I didn't use it all that much except for special occasions. I went back to my room to get it out of my suitcase. I took the wrapper off of it, and took it in the bathroom with me. I sat down in the tub, and washed all over. Since I couldn't have a bubble bath, I decided I was going to smell pretty anyway. Don't look at me like that, she started it.

When I was finished rinsing off, I patted down, and then wrapped the towel around me female fashion. I went in my room, and got dressed. I opened my top dresser drawer, and took out my rose colored panties, cami, and from the other top drawer I took out a pair of stockings. I opened the third drawer and took out a pair of my jeans that had a rose on the left back pocket, and embroidered roses from the knees down to the hem of each leg. I took out a very nice embroidered v-neck western shirt, and went to my closet to get my sandals.

I put on my panties, and sat down to put my makeup on. I put on my black mascara, and then a light foundation, and powdered that over lightly. I finished getting dressed, and went to the kitchen. Mother was not there this time, well, not yet anyway. I took out the bacon, eggs, and put one slice of bread in the toaster. I put two strips of bacon in the frying pan, and used another to make my eggs. When the bacon was almost done, I popped the toast down. I was eating my breakfast when mother came in the kitchen. Now my mother is only thirty two years old, but today she look twice that. She went over to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat down and took out a cigarette and lit it.

"Ronnie," she said matter of factly. "You are not leaving this house dressed like that. Those are obviously girl's jeans, and that is obviously a girls pullover v-neck shirt." She looked under the table, and saw my sandals. "And your sandals have a higher heel and are obviously girl's sandals. Now, if you want to go the parade with your aunt, uncle, cousins, and me, you had better put something on that says you're a boy." Just then the doorbell rang.

I got up to answer it, but mother pushed me aside, and ran to the door and opened it. Aunt Hazel and her family were here. Mother looked back at me, and with her head, motioned me to disappear. Aunt Hazel stood there for a few seconds before she said anything.

"Well sis, are you going to let me in?"

"Oh, uhm, yes, uhm please come in."

"Where is Ronnie, Marge?"

"Uhm he's uhm, kind of getting ready."

"I'm ready mother," and I went in the living room. Aunt Hazel took a look at me, and like my mother put a finger to her mouth, and looked at me from all sides. My uncle Martin didn't say anything, and my cousins were silent too.

"I was just telling Ronnie to go change into some boy clothes."

"Sis, there is nothing wrong with these clothes. They are androgynous looking, and a lot of young guys are wearing embroidered things now. I think he looks all right to go to the parade, and we are going out to eat after. So there is really nothing wrong with what he has on."

Mother's mouth just opened, and her eyes got really wide. "But Hazel, these are obviously girl's clothing. The zipper on the jeans even closes to the left."

"Yes I see that. But nobody will notice in that huge crowd. Besides they are there to see a parade not someone else's clothes."

"Well then look at this." She showed aunt Hazel where it said Levi Women's Wear on the back right pocket. "Now don't tell me nobody is going to notice that."

"No sis, they won't. It is small enough to actually be ignored even in the supermarket. Marge, listen, Ronnie is just going through a stage." Why do they always say that? "He will grow out of it."

All this time, my cousins were giving me the thumbs up, and my uncle Martin who is never at a loss for words, was eerily silent. Aunt Hazel told everybody we should be going, because parking is going to be a problem. We all left the house, and got into aunt Hazel's car, and we went downtown. We were lucky to find a parking place near Gimbel's. After parking the car, we all headed the 2 blocks to where the parade would be. As we got to our spot that we picked, Cindy saw me and came over by us. She looked at my mother.

"Excuse me, but can Ronnie come over and watch the parade with us? We're right over there." She waved to her mother, and she waved back.

"Sis, let him go with his friends. We can keep an eye on him from here."

"Well, I am against it, but I guess it would be all right. I want you to know young man, we are watching you."

I left with Cindy, and when we were away from mother, I let out a big sigh. "Thank you for rescuing me, Cindy. Mother has gotten really mad at me lately. She found the clothes you and Bobbie, and the other girls up north gave me, and she went ballistic. She even wanted me to change out of these clothes."

Cynthia Marks was my height, with long, easily flowing, blonde hair. She had wide blue eyes, and her skin was flawless. She looked at my clothes, and had only one thing to say.

"You should have worn a bra. That would have really set her off. Does she know that you are really a girl inside?"

"I have been trying to tell her, but she says I can never be female because I can't have kids, and I can't have a monthly. She even told me that women are second class citizens, and get paid less than men do for the same job, and that women are abused by their men, and women will never amount to anything in a man's world."

"Does she believe all that? My mom has been married to my dad for 16 years, and he has never once abused her. He treats her as an equal in our house, asking for advice on this or that. Why does your mother think all that grabage is true?"

"I don't know. Even my aunt Hazel said there is nothing wrong with these clothes."

"Ronnie, you would even look and sound like a girl, even if you were dressed in guy clothes. You are that feminine looking, which is a good thing. Listen, I have an idea."

She told me her idea, and we went over by her mother, and we greeted each other, and then we just talked about the things mother had said. Cindy's mother was the same age as my mother, but she had a very accepting, and open mind.

"Ronnie, you go and see this psychiatrist. But you be a lady at all times. Keep your knees together when you are sitting, and always smooth your dress or skirt behind you, as you sit down. Keep your back straight, and keep your hands folded in your lap. Let me know exactly what you talk about, because then I can give you some pointers to take with you the next time."

"All right, Mrs. Marks, and thank you." She said I was welcome, and then we heard the sirens that said the parade was starting. While we waited for the first of the parade to pass us by, some clowns came by. One of them even blew up a ballon, in the shape of a poodle, and handed it to me.

"Here you go, young lady. Don't forget to take her for a walk now." I giggled, because he was so funny. But the balloon I knew, wouldn't hold air after a couple of days, but I treasured it. Then the police band came by, and we all clapped, followed by the first high school band. We clapped. There were acrobats too, and I was just awed by their timing. Then, we saw a guy dressed in a gorilla suit, acting like an ape. We laughed and giggled, and when he came by us, he moved his head from side to side, and then put a "paw?" to his mouth, and started jumping up and down, and making the noises a gorilla would make. We laughed, and giggled, and laughed some more. Then he went down the line a ways. This was the most fun I have ever had at a Labor Day parade. One of the boy scout troops came by, and we clapped, and the local girl scouts were right behind them. We clapped some more, and then another high school band from our state capitol came by. They were playing a selection of Bach, and it was very beautiful, listening to them play. I had lost myself in the music, and Cindy brought me out of it, by saying she had tried to talk to me for the last four minutes.

"I'm sorry, Cindy, but I was just getting into the music. It was beautifully played." Cindy's mother agreed. As the middle of the parade started to pass us, Bobbie and her mother came over, and stood by us. Cindy filled her in on what my mother was doing. Bobbie Granger was my age, and had long, light brown hair, and wide blue eyes. Her mother was thrity four years old, two years older than my mother.

"Ronnie, just be you. I'm sorry your mother doesn't understand, or refuses to understand, but you know we are your friends, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, just come by us, or even our mothers if we're not home. We have all accepted you for who you are, and if anybody had the vision to see, they would see you can never be a boy, or even a man. You are too much a girl, to be anything else. Even my dad said you were very ladylike, without even trying. That means you are a girl, because everything comes so naturally to you. Even those creeps that tried to give you a hard time, were suddenly respectful too. So you see, Ronnie, that your mother is wrong. Look, my birth control pills make me sick, and my mother wants to throw them out. I can give them to you, and you could take them, because there is estrogen in them. You would have to take a lot, like for a long time, before anything could be noticed, but you can have them."

"Thank you, Bobbie, but my mother would find them and throw them out."

"Then you can keep them at my house, and I will bring a thing of them with me. You can take them on the way to school, at lunch, and on the way home. I have a whole box full, and I keep getting them. So, tell you what, we will make it so that in a couple of years, two or three at the most, you take these pills, and you will see that you are starting to develop like a girl should."

"Thank you, Bobbie, that is very nice of you. I was wondering what I could do though to show mother in the meantime, how much of a girl I really am."

"Tell you what, girlfriend, you let us think on that. I'm sure that between us, and our mothers, we can come up with something."

The parade was finally over, and we all hugged, and said our see ya's, and I went back by mother and aunt Hazel. "We saw you were doing a lot of talking over there. What were you all talking about?"

"Something you wouldn't understand mother. It's called girl talk, you know about monthly visitors, and having kids, and just gossiping about this or that." I could see her steaming, but my mother is one for appearances, so she would wait until we got home. My cousins just giggled and laughed, and my aunt Hazel smiled.

Chapter Four - Ronnie has an ally.

We all got into aunt Hazel's car, and we went to IHOP. IHOP did more than just serve pancake breakfasts, they served lunch as well and even dinners. Most of them were open twenty four hours. When we walked in, the hostess asked how many, and aunt Hazel said eight. They pushed two tables together, and I sat next to my cousins, while the adults sat opposite of us. When the waitress asked if we were ready to order, we all said we would have whatever the special was. The special today was, two pancakes, two strips of bacon, two eggs, and toast. We also ordered orange juice and milk for my couisins and I, and the adults ordered coffee.

We sat there talking about the parade, and what we liked about it. I told them that when the band from the capitol had played that music from Bach, I had just lost myself in the music, and didn't hear what Cindy was saying. I even told them about how funny the guy in the gorilla suit was, and what he said. Mother just rolled her eyes to the ceiling. When we were through, mother didn't light up a cigarette, because my aunt Hazel and uncle Martin didn't smoke.

My aunt Hazel was a very good lady, and God fearing. But she wasn't a Bible thumper, and didn't preach to others that what they were doing was wrong. She was a little older than my mother by about two years, and my mother's only living sister. Aunta Hazel always had a beaming smile, and was always willing to help if she could. My uncle Martin was a land developer and building contractor, and always had business. Sometimes he had business so much he had to refuse a few orders.

We went back to aunt Hazel's car, and after we were all in, she drove us back home. When we got in the house, mother right away had to be so condescending. I started to go to my room, but she stopped me.

"Just a minute, young lady. Where do you think you are going? Sit down, we are going to have this out once and for all. I want to know exactly what you and your friends were talking about. Don't give me that girl talk business either."

"Well, if you must know, I told them what you said about a woman's place in this world."

"What did you say, Marge?" Aunt Hazel asked inquringly.

"Well, I was telling Ronnie that he could never be a female because..." She explained everything to aunt Hazel, and even aunt Hazel looked at mother with an incredulous, wide eyed look. "And, that he could never be female anyway, because it is just not possible."

"All right sis, but women have come a long way in the last few years. Even though I don't think Ronnie should be acting like a girl either, I do know that letting him dress like one now, will get it out of his system. Then he won't want to ever do it again, because he has tried it, and found it just wasn't for him."

"Why does everybody think I will outgrow being the girl I am? I don't understand all of you. You tell me to treat others the way I want to be treated, and then you go and treat me just the opposite. I know from my catechism, that whatever measure you give on earth, you will receive three times as much in heaven. So, if you think this is just a stage, then why have I been like this, since I can remember? Why does everybody want me to be someone I can never be?"

"Well, you are young yet. You don't know the things adults do, or the pleasures we get from certain things. When you are our age, you will see that this was just a passing phase."

"No aunt Hazel. I mean, you have been good to me and mother, but I just have to be who I am. It doesn't matter what kind of a body I have, it is who I am in my soul that makes me the girl I am."

"But Ronnie, God put you in the body of a boy for a reason. You should be grateful for that."

"No aunt Hazel, God may have made my soul, but He did not make this body. I have been studying these things on my own at the library, and I read about genes, chromosomes, hormones, and the effect all of this has on a person's life. It is the father's genes that say what the body type is going to be, and it is the hormones that while we are in the womb, tells us who we are and who we are going to be. We can't change this, whether you may think it is a stage or not, it cannot be changed, because if it is, then we lead a very unhappy life. How many here want me to be unhappy? I am twelve years old. I have been dressing and being a girl ever since I can remember, and everytime I have to wear stiff, itchy boy clothes to school, my skin itches something terrible. I don't understand why everyone is against who I am."

"How long have you been dressing as a girl?"

"Since I was old enough to know the difference bewteen girls and boys. Like around seven years old."

"You knew the difference between girls and boys at seven? That is remarkable. Who taught you all of that?"

"My girl friends up north and here. Mother wasn't interested in teaching me, so I asked my girlfirends a lot of questions, and they answered them. That's when I got my first library card, and started reading books on human anatomy and reproduction. I found out a lot. So I figured that since I can't have children, and I can't menstruate, I was born barren. That doesn't make me any less of a girl because I have a different package. Aunt Hazel. I know that this body is male, but that is where anything of a "boy" ends. I am female in my soul, and if you knew your Bible the way you say, then you know the soul is not necessarily the same as the body sometimes."

"Well maybe, but you have to admit that you haven't been dressing as a girl, and you haven't shown any interest in boys."

"Aunt Hazel, I have been dressing as a girl, and with my girl friends. Everybody but this family knows and accepts me for who I am. Remember Aunt Hazel, do unto others, as you may have them do unto you. Mom you taught me that, and yet here you are not practicing what you preach. Why?"

"Well, I'm not going to throw out your female clothes, and I will allow you to go up north. But I..." I looked at her with a frown. "I...oh I don't know. I will wait for Dr. Johnston to tell me what I should do."

"Mom, while Aunt Hazel is here, I am telling you now, that I will see Dr. Johnston, dressed as the girl I am. I think he is going to want to see that anyway. But I will not stand for any lectures from him, and I will not stand for any thing that he says, that may be against me being the girl I am."

"Well I guess that would be all right, but as soon as you get home young lady, you are changing into your normal clothes."

"Mom, did you just hear yourself? You said young lady."

"I...see you've got me twisting my words now. What do you want of me?"

"Just the love of a mother to her oldest daughter, me."

"Marge, we have get going. But I want your promise that you won't do anything physical to her," she said pointing to me. "I have been watching her, and no boy can be that feminine just going through a phase. There is always a slip up here or there unconsciously. Ronnie hasn't slipped up once. And I have noticed something else too, her voice is high like a girl's."

"Well his voice hasn't started changing yet."

"Oh yes, it certainly has, that is the voice of a teenage girl, and it will get a little higher too. Maybe Ronnie is right. We know that we have a soul, but it doesn't say that a male has to have a man's soul, and it doesn't say that a female has to be a woman's soul. Most of us have souls that match our bodies, but I have read where there are some whose souls are in direct conflict with their bodies. When this happens sis, the soul takes refuge in the dominant gender. In Ronnie's case, that gender is female."

"Hazel, you are not a psychiatrist, and until I am told this by Dr. Johnston, Ronnie is still my son, and will dress like my son."

"Well, you do what you want. But I am telling you that this is not the way to handle this. You listen to this psychiatrist, but if he is against Ronnie being who she is, he isn't much of a psychiatrist. We have to leave, sis." She gave mother a hug, and they were gone.

"Good night mother. Sweet dreams, because I know I am going to."

Part Two

Chapter Five - The first day of school

Mother came in my room and woke me up. She said my bath was ready, and I need to get going. I got up, and went in the bathroom. I looked for mother's bubble bath, but it wasn't there. But the bathroom smelled like roses. I took off my nightgown, and got in the tub. I used mother's flesh sponge and squeezed water all over myself. It was still warm out being the day after Labor Day, so I thought that nylons would be okay for today. I am in the seventh grade this year, and we get our schedules today. I washed myself thoroughly, and got out of the tub. I threw my robe on, and went back to my room, and got dressed. I put on a pair of lavender panties, and a cami, as well my lavender bra. I took out a pair of nylons, and a garter belt, and put those on, being careful that before I hooked the nylons to the garters, I put the garters through the legs of my panties, so it was easier to use the restroom. I put on my jeans with a rose on the left back pocket, and zipped to the left. I I then got out a white blouse that was white gauze, but you could see the cami and bra through it, front or back.

Mom was not going to go for this, if she took a real good look at my clothes. She did, and she didn't agree, but what she said was if I got in any trouble with the boys, it was my own doing for not listening to her. I told her that in six years I was going to be 18, and what was she going to do, run my life forever? She just said as long as I am under age, I am supposed to listen to her, and not bring trouble on myself.

"Mother, listen to me, for a minute. You said you didn't want me going out dressed like a girl. What I am wearing now is androgynous, and isn't male or female. Their just clothes."

"That is a girl's blouse, and I can see the cami and bra straps you are wearing right through it. I bet you're even wearing panties too. So, you go to school, and when you get beat up, don't come running to me, because I have tried, and tried, to make sure you know that what you're doing will not be acceptable in this society. Especially when boys see you dressed like this. I even suspect you are going to wear a skirt or a dress tomorrow. Well, I will keep my word, I won't throw them out. But I want not one word of complaint from you, if the boys decide to beat you up for being a sissy. I..."

"Mother, first of all I am no sissy, and it is true I can't fight like a boy does, but I do know how to kick, and in the right place if I have to. Mother, the age of boys are boys and girls are girls, is over. We are individuals, living individual lives. You want me to live your life, your way. I am not you, and I cannot live your life. No matter what happens today, I will still be me. I am not going to let anybody destroy who I am."

"Well, I tried. But just so you know, I am telling Dr. Johnston about this when we go and see him."

"Whatever mother," I said rolling my eyes to the ceiling.

I finished my breakfast, and went out to where I was supposed to wait for the school bus. It finally came about twenty minutes later. When I got on, there was only one seat open, next to one of the boys.

"You look pretty in those clothes, Ronnie. Don't worry about a thing, because I will be there if you need my help."

"Thank you," was all I said.

The girl sitting across the aisle from me, said she liked my outfit, and it made me look pretty, even if they were jeans and a shirt. I said thank you, and we talked the rest of the way to school. When the bus got to the school, we all went in to where we were supposed to be for homeroom. I went in and took a seat, and the attendance was taking by our teachers walking down the aisles, and since they knew our names from last semester, they just crossed them off as they went by.

When all the attendance was taken, the homeroom teacher told us to remember where we were sitting, because from now on these were our assigned seats. We sat there and listened to the school announcements, and that there were tryouts for the boys and the girls gymnastic squads. I felt a tap on my right shoulder, and when I looked behind me, Bobbie was sitting there. She said I should try out for the girls squad. I just looked at her, and asked if that would be allowed. The bell rang, and that meant we had to go to our first class. We all went to our first classes, and picked a seat. Cindy and Bobbie were in my first hour class, so I knew I had nothing to worry about.

The boy on the bus was David, and he was in my first hour class too. Between the four of us, I am sure there was something we could come up with, to make mother really go ballistic. Not that I wanted her to, but she keeps dictating to me what I can and cannot wear, and who I should be. So, alls fair. Our first hour class was geography. I loved geography, because I wanted to learn where the different countries of our planet were.

The teacher was telling us about how we were going to go on a trip without leaving the classroom. I knew that all I needed was my imagination, and I could be where we were studying about. The teacher, Mr. Fook (ever notice how teachers have odd names?), passed out our books, and then told us to make sure we wrote our names inside the front cover. When I opened the book, I saw this one had been used by eight people so far, I was the ninth.

The second and third classes the teachers said nothing, just took attendance, and handed out the books. Then said we could go to lunch until the bell for fifth hour rang. Cindy, Bobbie, and I waited for everyone to go out first, and then we went to the cafeteria. There was already a line, so finding a seat for all three of us wasn't going to be easy. As we paid for our food, we started looking around for a seat, and David said over here, and we went to sit by him. David was my age, had sandy brown hair, and blue eyes. He had a lot of muscles for being twelve years old. He was also a head taller than I was.

We sat down by David, and we were talking, mostly about nothing, because the girls and I were talking girl talk, about outfits, and what bra to wear with them, and it was important to have the right panties too. Poor David seemed lost, as most males would be. All the boys who thought they were God's gift, would just say they'd like to see those panties, or get into them. I wonder if they'd fit. But David didn't say anything. We were through eating, and while we waited for the bell to ring, I looked at my schedule. I had PE in room 114. I told Cindy and Bobby where my PE class was, and Cindy said that was the girls gym.

Now this is going to get interesting. I didn't have the right physical equipment to be in a gym with partially naked, or completley naked girls, not that I would stare at them, but they might be offended if they saw my physical body without any clothes. I said that to everyone at the table, and Bobbie said I wasn't to worry about that. Because I was more agile than most of the ones with my physical sex, I would make it in the girls gym. Cindy said that Miss McConnell was already told by them and a few of the other girls, that I was a girl, and that even though I had a male body, it was just a birth defect. But what about the other girls? See when my mother registered me for school, all she put down for my first name was Ronnie. So, all I did was give a very big, audible sigh, and said, "Well girls, let's go. It can only get worse from here."

We put our trays away, and headed for the girls gym. When we all went in to the locker room, the other girls paid me no attention. We didn't have our gym clothes yet, but we were supposed to either already have them, or have them by the next gym period. I asked Cindy where I was going to get a girl's gym set from, and she said it was already taken care of. I said how, because my mother would never buy me a set of girls gym clothes, let alone let me take girls PE. Cindy said her mother is shopping while we are in school, and she is picking me up one. Miss McConnell came in just then, and took attendance. She called us by our first names, followed by our last name's initial. Then she said she wanted us in the gym. We all went in the gym, and she had us sit on the bleachers that had been pulled out.

We all sat down, and then she stood in front of us, and started telling us what she expected us to do this semester in gym. She said we were going to use the uneven paralell bars, and play basketball just between us in the class. She said we also needed to do running, and while the boys would be on the track, we would do our running in the gym. She said that for us who didn't have gym clothes, we were required to have them by the next class that was on Thursday. So Tuesdays and Thursdays we have gym. I just wonder how they will react when they see me changing into my gym clothes on Thursday. If the worst came, all they would do is put me in the boys gym on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. We were lucky at having gym only two days a week. I wonder what mother will say, or do, when she finds out I am in girls gym. Oh well, I just thought that for now, I am a girl by some error of the school's office. But I might as well get used to it, because if Cindy and Bobbie, and a few others had anything to say about it, I would be here until I went to high school.

The bell rang, and we went to our sixth hour class. This was going to be interesting, because it was pre-algebra. Even in junior high school, they started pre-algebra in the seventh grade, because they wanted us to know it by the time we got to high school, or so the teacher said, His name was Mr. Frye, and he was bald in the middle of his head, with grey hair all around it. That always seemed weird to me. I am twelve years old, and I have a gread head of hair, but I guess I get that from my mother. Mr. Frye passed out the books, and gave us our first homework assignment. The boys just grumbled, and I saw Mr. Frye smile. He told us since we weren't doing any classwork today, we could go to our seventh hour class. This was study hall, and we really didn't have any work to do, except pre-algebra. But since the study hall teacher, Mr. Grimes, wasn't expecting us to have any work, he let us talk with each other. Mr. Grimes looked younger than the other male teachers. I raised my hand, and he called on me.

Mr. Grimes, are you a new teacher? I mean, I ask because you look so young." All the girls were now talking about the handsome teacher in sixth hour study hall.

"What is your name, young lady?"

"Ronnie."

"Is that short for Veronica?"

"No sir, that is what my mother named me when I was born. It is just Ronnie."

"Okay then, yes, I am a new teacher. I graduated from college just two years ago, and spent one year as a teacher's aide, to get the program, as they like to call it, down pat.

"Well Mr. Grimes, you had better watch out, or one of us will snap you up." The girls giggled.

"I think my wife would have something to say about that, You'd have to fight with her to get me."

"Mr. Grimes, I know you're married, I can see the ring. I was just teasing you."

"I know you were, Ronnie. Anyway class, just talk with each other for today, but starting tomorrow I want you to realize that this is study hall, and you will be required to do school work. No talking, unless you raise your hand and you are called on. Is that understood?"

The whole class said yes Mr. Grimes, and we just sat there talking until the bell for seventh hour rang. But while we were in study hall, Cyndi and Bobbie told me that I had nothing to worry about in the girls gym, because the word had already been spread. But Cindy did say a few of the girls were going to try and see if I would get excited like a guy would, when he is around naked girls. I just said well they can try, but it won't do any good. I mean, Cindy and Bobbie and the rest of my girl friends have let me dress in front of them from the very first time. So I was used to it. The bell ending seventh hour rang, and we got up and left the study hall.

When we got outside of the school, I asked Cindy and Bobbie what was I going to say when my mother wanted to see my schedule, and she certainly would, and saw I had gym class. She would want to buy me a guy's gym set. Bobbie said don't worry. Let her throw her money away, because my girl's gym set was already being bought by Cindy's mother. I asked what was I going to do, when she asked me where my gym clothes were so she could wash them. Cindy said we could take care of that. I was to give Cindy my gym clothes and she would keep them at her house. What mother didn't know, is that I was being helped by my friends and their mothers. I have to be the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, because even my girl friends fathers were saying I was a girl, because that is how I behave. Notice I didn't say acted. This was going to be an interesting ride.

Chapter Six - At home after school let out

Cindy and Bobbie, and even David said to call them if my mother gave me any grief over my schedule, and gym clothes. The bus ride home was a nervous one, because if I told mom I was in girls gym, she would have me removed immediately. If I told her I needed this type of shorts, and this type of top, she would know that they were girl's gym clothes. The colors were the school colors, but the material and cut were different between the boys and girls. David gave me his phone number, and told me to call him even if I didn't have a problem with mom. Well, what can I say? So, okay, The bus stopped at my house first, because I was the last one on in the morning, and the first one off after school. I stood on our porch, and collected my thoughts before going in and facing mother. Well, here goes nothing, I said to myself. I opened the door, and went in.

"Is that you Ronnie?"

"Yes, mother."

"Did you get any black eyes?"

"No, mother."

"Don't tell me the boys actually didn't say anything to you."

"Oh yes, mother, they said things to me, like it was about time I was behaving like a real girl, instead of a tomboy."

"Oh get serious, Ronnie. They didn't say anything like that."

"Oh yes, mother, they certainly did. Mother, you are the only one that doesn't see the picture in front of you. Everybody else does. I don't know why you are so dead set against me, being the girl that I am deep in my soul. You really have a problem with this, and it is getting really old. I found out too, that if I want to, I can even change my name in the children's court. Of course you would have to be there to give your consent or not. But if you tell the judge I can't have my name changed because I am physically a male, that argument is not going to set well, after my friends tell what they know."

"And just what do your friends seem to know?"

"That while I have a male body, I am a girl inside of my soul, and I can never be that boy you so badly want me to be. Mother, at a children's court name change petition I was told, I can have character witnesses to say why I should have my name changed. The judge can change my name over your objections."

"No he can't."

"Oh! Yes he can."

"Who told you that?"

"Cindy's father, he's a lawyer."

"So he's the one that has been filling your head full of this nonsense."

"No mother, he isn't."

"Well somebody is. You can't be coming up with this on your own. Are those girls you hang around with telling you to do this?"

"No mother. For the last time, I want you to know this is who I have been all of my life. Tell me mother, didn't you think it was strange that I was never interested in boy things. I mean, like cars, and guns, and trains? Didn't you think it was strange I had girls for friends and never brought boy friends to the house? Didn't you think about all of that?"

"You will grow out of it. It is only a phase that you are going through."

"Oh really! Well I am going to check on that. I think I am going to have to go the library, and read up on phases."

"Ronnie, you cannot tell me that you are not a boy. I have changed you hundreds of times, and buy your clothes. I know you're a boy."

"Mother, it doesn't matter what body we have, it is who we are inside that counts. Why are you being so unreasonable about this?"

"I am not being unreasonable Ronnie. By the way, I made an appointment for you with Dr. Johnston. You see him at four o'clock on Friday. Today is only Tuesday. Now, while I can't stop you from acting like a girl in the house, I am going to make sure you understand that what you are doing is not what a boy your age does. Or any boy for that matter."

"All right mother, I'll see this doctor, and you made the appointment for four o'clock. That is really convenient for you, so I don't have time to change. Are you picking me up from school then, on Friday?"

"Yes I am, and we are going to go together, because I was told he will want to talk to me first."

I needed to find out from Cindy and Bobbie what I could do to be able to change into a feminine outfit before going to see this doctor. We didn't have a car, so we had to the take the route ten out to county hospital. The bus ride lasts about fourteen or fifteen minutes, and school let out at three thirty. I had to figure something out. I was going to see this doctor as my female self, whether mother liked it or not. So I just felt that maybe watching a little television would take my mind off of this, but it didn't. I went up to my room, and mother was still resisting my hugs. I had a different phone in my room than the one we had downstairs, so I went to call Cindy and tell her what mother was up to.

"Ronnie, I think your mother understands, but is being selfish because she just wants to brag about having a son. Listen now. I will call the others and see what we can come up with. You can change in the girls lavatory after school lets out on Friday. It won't take long to get you dressed, since you already know how, but we will help so it doesn't take too long. When your mother picks you up from school, you know she is going to go ballisitic."

"I know, Cindy, but I have to be me when I see this doctor, or he will think I'm not serious. I need him to know I am very serious about being the girl physically that I am inside. Mother has me so wound up lately, I don't understand why she doesn't want me to be happy."

"Because like I said Ronnie, she is being selfish. All she wants you to be is her son, so she can brag about you. I have one brother, and even my father tells him, 'that's my little man'. My father think that being a boy is where it is at. I mean he treats me and mother all right though, but it is really boring listening to him say that to my brother. Of course he always tells me too, 'that's my girl', when I have done something good, or bring home a good report card. But parents just brag about their sons more than they do daughters. So leave it up to me and the other girls, I have a plan that will send her reeling."

"All right, Cindy. Talk to you tomorrow then."

"Talk to you tomorrow, girlfriend."

Chapter Seven - A plan is formed

Mother woke me up, to get my bath and get dressed. I got up, and went in the bath room. I took off my nightgown, stepped out of my slippers, and sat gently into the bath water. Mother had again made it a bubble bath, and I couldn't understand why. If she doesn't want me to be a girl, then why is she putting bubble bath in my bath water? Oh well, I am going to enjoy this as much as I can.

Today is Wednesday, so I will wear my Jeans that have embroidered flowers all around both legs. They are
Fuschia in color, and actually zip up the side. I took out a white mitered top, and got out my fuschia panties and bra. The bra I will put in my coat pocket, and change into it at school. I got out my nylons and garter belt, and rolled them up my legs. I stepped in to the garter belt, and pulled it up to just above the panties waistband. I put the garters through the legs of my panties, and attached them to the stockings. I stepped into a pair of pumps that has a one inch heel. I put on some mascara, face powder, and put my lipstick in my other coat pocket. The temperature was a little cool today, and my "coat" was actually a light, pink windbreaker.

I went down to have my breakfast, and only had a slice of toast, orange juice, and a glass of milk. Mother looked at me like she had daggers in her eyes. I ate my toast slowly, and sipped my juice. When I was finished, I drank my milk, and put on my windbreaker. I grabbed my books, and clutching them to my chest, I headed for the bus stop. The other kids at the stop never paid me any attention, except to say hi and talk about things like boys, and clothes. These were all girls, and because I looked so much like a girl, they thought I was one, and said it was nice to have and all girl bus stop. There were no boys to annoy us.

When the bus came, we got on, and David motioned me to sit by him. I sat down and he complimented me on my clothes. He said that Cindy had talked to him at their stop, so he knew what was going on. He did say I was a pretty girl though. When the bus got to the school, we all got out and went into the school. We went right to our lockers, and put what books needed to be put away, and take what books we needed for our morning classes. I had only one book that I had homework for, and that was an afternoon class, so it went in to the locker.

After getting my books, I went to my homeroom. I sat down, and Bobbie said we were going to talk about forming a plan at lunch time. Our teacher came by marking off our names, and we waited for another fifteen minutes, and the bell for first hour rang. We all went to the classroom, and as soon as we sat down, our teacher took attendance. Mr. Fook then looked at me, and asked me if Ronnie was a nickname. I said no because that is what is on my birth certificate. He let it drop, and started our first lesson.

"We were going to study Viet Nam. He looked over the class and asked if anyone knew where it was. There were a lot of hands that were raised including Cindy's and mine. He called on a boy three rows from us, and almost in the back of the class.

"All right, Dennis, Where is Viet Nam located?"

"It is in southeast Asia, and was formerly known as French Indochina."

"Thank you Dennis. That is correct."

"Does anyone know what is going on over there at this very moment?" Everybody raised our hands.

"Hmmm, Everybody knows. All right, Ronnie, what is going on in Viet Nam right now?"

"There is a war over there where there are soldiers from the United States, are fighting the communists from north Viet Nam, and China."

"That is correct, Ronnie. Thank you. All right class, I want everybody to read chapter five, and write an essay on the war in Viet Nam. It is due Friday morning." He sat down, and we all got busy reading. The bell rang for second hour, and we all closed our books, and left.

Our second hour teacher is Miss Hamilton, and she was a young teacher. This was our history class. We would be learning American history, starting with the Revolutionary War. Miss Hamilton said she just had to ask one question before we started, to see if we knew anything about the Revolutionary War.

"When George Washington crossed the Potomac River, why was he standing up in the boat?" I raised my hand.

"Yes, Ronnie."

"He stood up in the boat to give his soldiers on the other side morale and confidence so they would know their commander in chief was coming to them."

"That is correct, Ronnie. Where did you learn that?"

"I go to the library a lot, and read a lot of books. I have been reading up on our history quite a bit."

"Well good for you girl." When she called me a girl, I didn't try to correct her, and nobody laughed either. "Class, please read chapter two, about taxation without representation, which was the biggest protest the colonists had against King George. Ronnie, you will write an essay on the start of the Revolutionary War, and why it started."

"Yes ma'am."

Before we knew it, the bell rang for the end of class. "Remember class, answer the questions at the end of chapter two, and Ronnie, your essay is due a week from this Friday. Class dismissed."

When we got into third hour, the teacher wrote her name on the blackboard. She was an older lady with greying hair. Her name was written as Mrs. Hamilton. I wonder if she is Miss Hamilton's mother. I raised my hand and she called on me.

"I am just curious Mrs. Hamilton. Are you related to Miss Hamilton?"

"Yes I am, young lady. Miss Hamilton is my niece."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"You are quite welcome, young lady. Now class, this is home economics. For you boys that are in here, this can be a very good class, because when you are living on your own, and that time will come, you will be glad you had this class. Also, when you get to high school, and you don't take home economics there, you will still be glad you were here. We aren't going to sew, or do child care, but we are going to learn basic cooking. The books I gave you yesterday, are recipe books, and show the recipes for one hundred food dishes, from breakfast to dinners. I want you to select a partner to work with, and then we will begin our first lesson."

Bobbie tapped me on the shoulder, and told me that we should be partners. I agreed, and we paired up with each other. Mrs. Hamilton gave us a stove to work with, and watched how we prepared a meal. The meal she wanted us to prepare would be for dinner.

"Miss Granger and Miss Kelly will be partners," and she went down the list writing our names down as she called out the partners. "Miss Granger and Miss Kelly, will make a dinner for us. When they are through, I want each one in class to take a bite, and tell us what you think. All right girls, you can start."

We were making a rump roast dinner. In order to make it quick, we just turned up the temperature on the stove to almost double what it was supposed to be. The vegetables were cut too. We took out a roaster, and after rinsing the roast, we set it in the middle of the pan, with just enough water for basting. Then we set the vegetables all around the roast. Bobbie set the timer, and then made a small salad, enough for everybody in class. We gave everyone a knife and a fork, and Mrs. Hamilton told them that was for taking a bite out of the roast, and they would have to cut a small piece off. She also said that when the roast was done, it should be moist inside, not dry like shoe leather. Bobbie and I just looked at each other, and we sat down to wait for the timer to go off, getting up every now and then to baste the roast. Since a rump roast cooks in about thrity five minutes, at three hundred and seventy five degress, we set the oven temperature at five hundred degrees. The roast should be done in about twenty minutes, and we would still have time to have a bite. The timer went off, and I opened the oven. The heat came pouring out, and we had to step back a little. I took two pot holders, and pulled the roast out just a bit. I stuck a long fork in the roast, and it went through, and came out without any blood on it. It was done.

I took the roast all the way out, and set it on a small metal pot stand. Then I showed everybody how to cut a slice of the meat, without burning themselves. Everybody said it was delicious, and then Mrs. Hamilton took a slice, and said it was very moist and tender. She also took a bite of each of the vegetables, and she said they were really good too.

"Where did you learn to cook like this, Ronnie?"

"From my mother, ma'am." It was a white lie, but she thought I was a girl, and it would seem very suspicious if I had said anything else.

"All right, does anybody have any comments?"

"I thought it tasted very good. She cooks like my mom does." Colleen Weatherly was also twelve years old, and she had raven black hair, and was a very beautiful Native American. She lived with her adoptive parents, because her parents had been killed in an auto accident caused by someone else. She told me that she had survived but she was also in the hospital for the longest time. Then she went to a foster home while child protective services looked for any living relatives that would take her. They had found none. She said her adoptive parents had no children of their own, and were very happy when they adopted Colleen. That was seven years ago, and she has been very happy.

"Thank you, Colleen," I said, giving her a nice hug.

After we had talked a little more about the dinner Bobbie and I made, the bell rang for lunch. Bobbie said we were going to talk at lunch, about what we can do Friday, before I go to see the psychiatrist. We got into line, and paid for our food, and went to sit down by Cindy and David. Cindy said that what we were going to do, is on Friday she was bringing a complete set of clothes, and I was to make sure I used bubble or perfumed soap, because then I would still smell like a girl, when I went to this person.

Bobbie said the complete set of clothes was going to divided between her and Cindy. Cindy was bringing a nice dress, full slip, and shoes. Bobbie was bringing the bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings. I was supposed to have nice makeup on, because it usually lasted the day. We didn't have gym on Fridays, so this would work perfectly. Cindy said there would be time after the last bell on Friday to get me ready to meet the psychiatrist.

"When you get home Friday after seeing him, call me, and let me know what went on. We don't have a sepearte phone in our house like you do, so my mom will listen in on the extension. Then we will know how to give you advice on what to do the next time you have to see him."

"All right Cindy, and I told my mother too, that I am not going to listen to any lectures, or allow him to tell me that I am not a girl. See my mother made this appointment for four o'clock, so I wouldn't have time to change. But what my mother doesn't know, will certainly make her go ballistic."

"For sure, girlfriend."

The bell for fifth hour rang, and when we didn't have gym, we had another study hall. So on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we had fifth, and seventh hour study halls, in the same room, with the same teacher.

At the end of the day, when the bus dropped me off, I went in the house, and put my books in my room. I set them on the dresser, and went back doenstairs. Mother was sitting in the kitchen with her ever present cup of coffee and cigarette. I took out a glass, and filled it with apple juice. I sat down to drink it.

"Ronnie, when you came home yesterday, I forgot to ask you to let me see your school schedule. Do you have it with you?"

"Yes, it's in my first book on top of my dresser."

"All right, after dinner I want to see it. Do you have gym?"

"Yes."

"I didn't get a notice that says what kind of gym clothes you will need."

"Just a minute, mother, and I will get it." I went up to my room, and got the schedule. Here comes going ballistic number one hundred. I went back to the kitchen, and gave her my schedule.

"Well, I see that you have gym two days a week, with Miss McConnell. MISS! McConnell? Sine when do they have a woman teacher in boys gym?"

"They don't." I replied with a smirk.

"Don't you dare tell me this is for girls gym."

"Okay, I won't then," and I had that smirk again.

"So, when they find out that you're a boy, they are going to really let you have it, you know. No girl wants a naked boy seeing them naked."

"Mother, that is not what will happen. Miss McConnell has already been told about me, by Cindy, Bobbie, and few of the other girls. The rest of the girls don't really care. I was told that I was going to get the business tomorrow though, because a few girls are going to see if they can get me excited like a guy would get seeing a naked girl. But mother, I have been dressing as a girl in front of Cindy, Bobbie, and the other girls up north. So seeing a naked girl isn't going to make me excited like a guy would get, because I am not a lesbian."

"Ronnie, you are scaring me. This isn't normal for a boy. I..." I held up my for her to stop.

"Mother, for the last time, you are only calling me a boy because of my body. The body doesn't make us who we are. We have a soul, and the soul tells our mind, and our mind that is in our brains, tells our bodies, and that is how we act. You know, mother, I have to thank you for sending me up north those first few years that I can remember. I have gone to church, and I have listened, and read the Bible, and still do, but there isn't anything in there that says we cannot be who we are in our souls. No mother, you just are too blind to see past my body. That is what is messing your mind up. You cannot see past my body."

"Well, if you want to be in girls gym, then I will get you your clothes, but don't come running back to me, saying you were called nasty names, or got beat up by one of the girl's boyfriends."

"I was afraid you would pull me out of girls gym, so I asked Cindy's mom if she could get me my gym clothes that I need, and she said yes she would."

I couldn't understand her. What mother didn't know is, I have already been accepted as a girl at school. That is because they have all seen me enough to know me, and that I never did act like a boy. But I wasn't telling mother the mistake she made by just putting Ronnie down on my school application. The way it is spelled is a nickname for Veronica, so by the way I looked, and acted, the school thought I was a girl. Miss McConnell was the only one who was told about me completely. I was told by both Cindy and Bobbie that Miss McConnell said that as long as I conducted myself as a girl, everything would be fine. Just then the phone rang, and mother answered it.

I couldn't hear what she was being told, but she was very silent after saying hello. I heard her say thank you, and she hung up the phone, and gave me a very strange, puzzling look.

"Ronnie, that was Mrs. Hamilton. She said you made a dinner for home economics class, and it turned out beautifully. She congratulated me on having a wonderful daughter, who can cook at her age. Ronnie, what is going on at that school?"

"Mother, I have been trying to tell you, that everybody, including my teachers, can see me for the girl I am, because they can look past the body at the person. You are the only one who can't see past my body. I didn't ask for this body, but I know who I am."

"I don't understand."

"I know."

Part Three

Chapter Eight - The plan is put into effect.

Mother asked me to get out the chicken, and rinse it off very thoroughly, and place on the cookie sheet with the tin foil. I went in the fridge and got out the chicken. I rinsed it off, and put it on the pan. I had to put my hands by the oven to warm them up, because they were freezing in the cold water. I go tout the vegetables from the bottom drawer in the fridge, and took them to the sink, and rinsed them off. I then got out the cutting board, and cut them into small pieces. I put the pieces in a colander, and rinsed them off again. Then I set them back in the fridge, until the chicken was done.

When the chicken was done, I took two pot holders, and just pulled it out just a little. I took a fork and put it in the middle piece. There was no blood, so it was done. Then I placed the chicken pieces on a large plate, and set it in the middle of the table. I then got out the veggies, and poured myself a glass of milk. Mother always drank coffee.

"Ronnie, where did you learn to cook like this?"

"From you, and grandma Dolly. I have wateched you both and saw how you did things. All I am doing is copying them."

"Is that how you really learned?"

"Yes mother. I can learn by watching, reading, or just listening, or all three. Why do you think I get good grades in school?"

"I see. Now I need to know something. When you need something, like a dress or a skirt, why do you go to your friends and get them? Why don't you ever ask me?"

"Because mother, you are so intent on keeping me as a boy, I figured it wouldn't do any good to ask you."

"Well, yes, but I also want you to learn too, that a boy dressing like a girl, gets beat up and called nasty names. I just want you to learn that this is not how boys live in today's society. I will get you dresses and skirts and blouses, as well as girl's underthings, just to teach you a lesson."

"Mother, Mrs. Hamilton congratulated you on having a daughter. Now if what you say is true, then why did she tell you that you have a wonderful daughter?"

"Ronnie, just eat your dinner."

She was very silent after that. It looked like she was thinking hard about this. I know she understands that I can't be her son, but she has always been one for appearances, and anything that does not fit into her way of thinking, just isn't possible, according to her. I don't know what else I can say to her to make her understand that I am a girl, and not a boy. I have tried everything under the sun, and yet she refuses to accept it. I am only 12 years old, and I really don't know a lot of things yet, but I know who I am. I have known since I was three years old, that I was different than others of my same sex. I didn't know what they called it until I looked it up in the dictionary, and then I was interested to see if there were any books on it. There weren't, so what I told mom and aunt Hazel was partly true and partly made up. I did read about chromosomes, and hormones though. I did a lot of reading about a lot of things. I did know about Christine Jorgensen, too.

I just didn't know what to do.

"Mother, since Cindy's mother is getting me my gym clothes, will you wash them, if I bring them home?"

"Yes, but you are goign to need an athletic supporter too. That is what males wear under their gym shorts."

"Oh, uhm yes, I know what you mean. No mother, I won't need one of those either."

"But that is a requirement though."

"Not in girls gym it isn't. I have a way to make sure I am protected down there. Mother, I want to show you something sometime when you have the time. I can do cartwheels, I can do back flips, well not really all that good on the flips, but I can do them. I keep practicing."

"Ronnie," mother said as she started crying. "Why are you doing this to me? Where did I go wrong?"

"Mother, this is not your fault, it is not my father's fault, it is not my fault. It is just the way things turned out for me. Mother, sometimes, deep inside, people get feelings of being someone else, or being a different gender than the one they were born with. Why this happens, nobody knows for sure, but it happens. And if you want me to see a psychitarist to get "help", you are going to be disappointed, because the only "help" I need, is your love and acceptance."

"But Ronnie, this goes against everything I was ever taught."

"Yes, I know it does. but let me see now that was thrity two, almost thrity three years ago. Things have changed a great deal since you were growing up. I keep telling you that, but you seem to think this is the 1930's or the 1940's yet. Mother, this is 1961, the age of Camelot, and we are a new generation that has learned to accept others for who and what they are. Your generation mother, is so old fashioned, it isn't even funny. And while there are those in your generation, like Miss Hamilton, who have open minds, or Mrs. Hamilton her aunt, who is from the generation before you, even she has an open mind. You were wrong to tell aunt Hazel what you said to her before they left to go home. Now mother, I am Susan Marie, and if you can't see me as the girl I am, and you want to keep refusing to accept me, as me, then I am ashamed to call you my mother."

"Let's get the kitchen cleaned."

"See, that is just the problem. When I counter what you say, you change the subject. That is not fair, mother. You need to listen to what I am saying, because even though there aren't many transgendered people, there will be, and we are here to stay."

"Ronnie, that's not what I am doing. I..."

"That is exactly what you are doing. When you yell at me, and tell me I can't be female, and that it isn't possible, I feel you don't love me. It is possible for me to be female, and even though I can't have children, or a monthly cycle, I can be a barren woman, and I can always adopt children. Mother, you are so way behind on how things are, it just makes me cry, because you don't love me."

"I do too love you. I only want what is best for you."

"No you don't, or you wouldn't be yelling at me and telling me boys are going to beat me up, if they find out I'm not a real female. Well mother, the boys may do that here, but up north I am accepted as the girl I am by the boys, girls, and their parents. Why are you against me being happy? Telling me I can't be female, is not wanting what is best for me, but only what is best for you, because then you can brag about having a son. No mother, I will be who I am. I can't be the son you want me to be. I'm sorry."

"Well, we will see what Dr. Johnston says."

"You just don't understand. But that isn't the real problem. Is it, mother?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well, why do I have to see this doctor? Can't you just accept me for me, and love me as your oldest daughter? Can't you?"

"Well, it isn't right that you want to be a female. Ronnie, boys can't be girls."

"The only thing of a boy about me, is this stupid body. I wish I didn't have it, and I was born a girl."

"No Ronnie, you will see when you get older. This will all pass over."

"No, mother, it won't."

"But even aunt Hazel says it is just a phase."

"Mother, did you hear what aunt Hazel was saying to you, just before they said they had to leave?"

"Hear what, dear?"

"That no boy could be as feminine as me, if I weren't female in my soul. She said that a "boy" would mess up now and then without even thinking about it. But I have never messed up. All you said to her was that she wasn't a psychiatrist. Mother, why won't you let me be happy? What is the real reason?"

"Well, it is nine o'clock, time for you to go to bed. I suppose you want to take a bubble bath."

"If I can."

She gave a sigh, and got up from the kitchen table, and went to get me the bubble bath. "Now, you may as well put this in your room, and use it when you take a bath. You only need one cap full."

"I know, mother. The girls have taught me a lot when I was up north."

"Tsk, Ronnie, just go and take your bath, and please go to bed."

"All right, mother. Good night, and sweet dreams. I do love you, you know, it's too bad you can't love me back."

I went upstairs, and got out my rose colored nightgown, and my rose panties. I grabbed my robe, and slippers, and went to run my bath water. I brushed my teeth, and then the tub was full. I lowered myself down slowly, and sponged the water all over me. I thought about what mother and I talked about. She can't love me, and want what is best for me, because she keeps telling me I can't be a girl. I thought about that for a bit. Maybe the girls are right. She is just being selfish, and wants a son she can brag about to her friends and neighbors. I had been doing a lot of thinking, since mother told me she made an appointment with Dr. Johnston. I wonder just what kind of headshrinker he is. I may be twelve years old, but he is in for a big surprise, if he tells me that my needing to be a girl is a mental sickness.

I washed all over, and rinsed off. I got out of the tub, grabbing the towel as I did. I took off my shower cap, and shook my head a little to get the hair to fall around my head. I dried off very throroughly, and got out mother's lotion and body powder, and put that all over me. I then stepped in to my panties, and put the nightgown on over my head. I just let it fall, taking in the sensations from the nylon material. I stepped in to my slippers, and put my robe on, and went to my room. I knelt down by my bed, and said my prayers, including a prayer to please let me be me, and that I didn't really want to see this doctor, because there was nothing wrong with me, except this stupid male body, that mother says makes me a "boy". Why does mother have to be so square? I got in bed, and turned my lamp off, and slid down in the covers just a bit more.

I don't know why I woke up crying, but I did. It was three o'clock in the morning, and I was just crying. I couldn't stop either, and mother, the light sleeper that she is, came in turning on my bedroom light.

"Ronnie, what's wrong? Are you sick?"

"No mother, I must have been dreaming about seeing this stupid doctor of yours. I just wish you were more accepting and loving, because I need you now, more than ever. I feel you don't love me, and don't want to see me live a happy life. You think that because I have this stupid male body, that that makes me a "boy". But mother, I have to be this girl that is in my soul. Don't you see, this isn't something that I just thought of, this is something that has been inside of me for the longest time. Nobody can wake up and say I think I'll be a girl the rest of my life. But for those of us who are girls in the wrong body, we are going through hell, because our parents don't want what is best for us. They just want us to stay a "boy", so that you have someone you can brag about. It isn't fair, mother, it just isn't fair." I rolled over, facing the window, and just cried uncontrollably.

Mother tried to tell me why she didn't want me to be physically female, but all I did was cry. She didn't bother to comfort me, and she left, turning off my bedroom light.

Mother came in and woke me up, and asked me if I wanted to go to school today. This was Thursday, and we had gym today. I told her yes I can go to school, and I got up.

Chapter Nine - Ronnie's friends help

I put on my robe, and went in the bathroom to run my bath. I let the water run, and went to get out my clothes for the day. I took out my lavender jeans with the cute bunnies on each of the back pockets. I took out my lavender bra and panty set, and my black flats with the little strap and buckle across the vamp. The buckle sat on black velvet, and sparkled in the light. I took my underthings back to the bath room with me, and turned off the water.

I sat down slowly, and used the flesh sponge to squeeze water all over my back, head, and front. I washed all over, and got out grabbing a towel. I patted myself down, and put on some of mother's lotion and lavender body powder. I got in to my underthings, except the bra...mother would never let me leave the house wearing it...After drying off completely, I wiped out the tub, and what water was on the floor, and went to get dressed. I put on my makeup, and then into my lavender sweater and jeans. I put my hair in a pony tail, and went down to breakfast. I got to the kitchen, and sat down at my place. Mother looked at me as I sat down, and she just let out a heavy sigh.

"Ronnie, you know I don't approve of the clothes you are wearing. But I can't send you up to change either, or you will be late for school. Eat your breakfast, and get going. Just remember though, that if you get beat up, you brought it on yourself."

I just let out a soft sigh, and finished my breakfast. I put my dishes in the sink, and went to get my books and coat. I was getting chilly out, so I needed to be warm. I put on my coat, and picked up my books. I clutched them to my chest, and left for school, telling mother I loved her, and I would see her later. Oh I forgot to tell you, that the jeans I was wearing zipped up on the side. I went out and waited for the school bus. When it came, I got on, and David waved for me to come and sit by him. I was the last one on the bus before it got to the school. So I sat by David, and we talked in whispers about the plan that we had formed. He said it was too bad he couldn't contribute anything, but he was behind me all the way. I thanked him, and before we knew it, we were at school. We all went in the building, and put our afternoon books away, and took out our morning ones. We went through our classes, and there were no problems. The bell for fourth hour lunch rang, and we all headed for the cafeteria. I saw David just ahead of Bobbie and I. I waited until we got to our table, and sat down.

"My mother said she didn't approve of my outfit this morning."

"I think it looks very pretty, Ronnie." Cindy said, looking under the table. "I like your flats too."

"Thank you, Cindy." I took another bite of my salad, and then I was finished.

We decided to go to the library for the rest of lunch. We were talking about what we were all gooing to do tomorrow, and then the bell rang for fifth hour. We all grabbed our books, and headed off to gym. We went in the gym doors, and there were several girls there in different states of undress, a few of them naked. I walked to my locker, and put my books on the top shelf, and got out of my clothes. I took my bra off, but I left my panties on. I got in to my gym outfit, and as I was walking to the gym, a couple of the girls started running their hands all over me. This is what I was told they were going to do. I kept walking, and the girls went back to their lockers and got dressed. They were the last ones to line up.

When we were lined up, Miss McConnell took roll call, by just looking at us, and marking our names off in her attendance book. She put her attendance book down on the floor by the bleachers, and looked at all of us.

"Today girls, we are going to do simple calesthenics. Is there anyone of you that has tried to back flips?" Four of us raised our hands. "Ronnie, how do you do when you do your flips?"

"Well, not too well, I land on my bottom more than I want to." There were laughs and giggles. "But I keep trying."

"Good. Will you show us how you do your flips for us, please?"

I did a few flips from the small platform that we had, and then went and lined up. Of the three flips that I did, I only did one where I didn't land sitting up, and the last one was all right, but not all that good.

"All right, Ronnie, you need more practice on your form, but hey girl, you did as well as I did when I first started. For the rest of the day, we are going to do a few back flips, and try to do the next one better than one before it. I am not looking for perfection right away, in fact, it may take until June to get some kind of form. But we will practice, practice, practice, and I think you will see just how good you can do. And even though we will practice, I am not going to put any pressure on you to be perfect. But, I may correct your form and posture here and there, but we will have fun too."

I liked Miss McConnell, she wasn't your stuffy gym teacher, and she did show us how she did her flips, and wanted us to try and do the same. She wanted "her" girls to excel, but wasn't going to push us until we dropped. David told us that is what Mr. Harris did. If a boy didn't do something right, he called him a sissy. Miss McConnell is a gymnast, and knows how to teach physical education, but Mr. Harris is only the coach of the varsity football squad, and not a very good one at that. He probably thinks that teaching physical education is having the guys run around the track, while he just stands there. Miss McConnell does exercises with us, and if we fall on our rumps, she shows us the proper way, by doing one or two herself.

About fifteen minutes before the bell rang, she told us to shower and get dressed, and she would see us on Tuesday. We all left the gym, and went to take our showers. This is where it gets really sticky. I have to shower with the rest of the girls. But I had been changing in front of Bobbie, Cindy, and the other girls for a long time. Why was this any different? So I got out of my gym outfit, and left my panties on. Then I went to take my shower. I got nodding approvals from everyone.

"Hey Ronnie, how come you don't stare at us, when we're naked?"

"I wasn't aware that I was supposed to. Is there something special about you, that other girls don't have?"

"No, but there is on you though." There were a few giggles, but they were testing me.

"Well, my special something can be removed, but yours can't."

"What do you mean?"

"Colleen, if you were to live my life, or something similar to it, you would not be able to have your something special removed, but you would have to have that something special added." There were more giggles and titters. "I don't consider breasts to be special, but if you were to go through what I am going through, you would have those removed, but the something special we are talking about would have to be added to you. Hey! Wait a sec! I just had an idea. You can have this one." There were ewwwwws, and a lot of "that's just sick", from the other girls. Miss McConnell heard the last part, and thought that put Colleen in her place.

"So girls, do you think that Ronnie has earned her place in our sisterhood?"

There were a lot of yes, and she is welcome anytime from all the girls. Miss McConnell looked at me, and just smiled. "Ronnie, welcome to girlhood. We know this is going to take some time, but you are strong enough that you will make it. Now girls, I really did like the way everybody behaved themselves today, and the way you all did your flips. If you are going to try and do back flips at home, make sure you have someone there with you, that can act as a spotter. Then when she does her flips, you can be her spotter. Do you understand? This is definitely not something you are to do alone. Even a gymnast like me needs someone to spot for me when I am doing back flips, cartwheels, jump flips, and what not. You all play jump rope together, and what we are going to do in class you should make sure that you do together too."

We all said we understood, and Miss McConnell dismissed the class when the bell rang. We went to our other classes, but I was so much out of it because of tomorrow. I knew my friends wouldn't let me down, and I knew mother wouldn't make me change my clothes, because of the time we had. From school to county hospital was about a fifteen minute bus ride. When the bell rang for the end of the school day, we all went to our lockers, put away the books we didn't need, and took the ones we had homework for. On the bus ride home, Bobbie and David got off at my stop with me.

We all went into my living room, and I went in the kitchen to tell mother I had a couple of friends over. Mother never did really know any of my friends too well, except by name. She didn't know David at all. She came in the living room, and looked at Bobbie and said hello.

"And who is this young man, Ronnie, your boyfriend?"

"You know mother, that is not a bad idea. David would you like to go steady?"

My mother just went oh my god, and went back in the kitchen. We giggled and laughed softly, because mother actually thought I was serious. Good! Maybe she will understand that my friends accept me for who I am, and not what anyone else wants me to be. I asked Bobbie and David if they wanted something to drink, and they said yes. I went in the kitchen and poured three glasses of apple juice. I took them out to the living room, and mother told us to come in the kitchen and drink them.

When we got in the kitchen, mother looked at all three of us, and decided to be mom. "Ronnie, I want you to go up and change into some "boy" clothes. Your friends probably think you're some kind of wierdo."

"No we don't Mrs. Kelly. We accept Ronnie for who she is. So do our teachers, friends, and parents. You don't see the tears Ronnie cries when she gets on the school bus, or when she thinks she is alone. She feels that you hate her because she doesn't fit what you think she should be. I know that I am only twelve years old, but I alos know that a person is supposed to treat others, the way we want to be treated. Ronnie says that is what you taught her, and also told us you don't practice what you preach. Mrs. Kelly, I have a lot of respect for Ronnie, and she really does love you, but you aren't giving her a chance."

"Mrs. Kelly, nobody at school gives Ronnie a second look. She is accepted by everyone as the girl she is. We have a sort of clique at school, but we aren't snobbish about it though. My name is David, and I am a very good friend of Ronnie's. And no ma'am, I am not her boyfriend. I am just her friend. But she is going through a lot to be who she is, and she deserves your respect too. Mrs. Kelly, besides dressing like a girl, which you do not approve of, has Ronnie ever disobeyed you?"

"Well, no, he has been really good at listening to me. But Ronnie is a boy, and he will be a man, and he has to start acting like it, or he could be in a lot of trouble from boys and men. I just want what is best for him. Ronnie, I said go and put on some "boy" clothes."

"Mother, since you don't respect me, why should I respect you? Tell me. Tell me why you refuse to let me be happy. Tell me about a woman's place in the world today. I don't mean what a woman's place in the world was thrity years ago, I mean what is a woman's place in the world, today."

"Well Ronnie, just because it is a different decade doesn't mean a woman's place changes."

"Yes it does, mother. I keep telling you, that you are the only who refuses to see past this stupid body. Do you know what the pastor up north told me? He said that God has a plan for all of us, and if His plan is for me to be female, then that is what I will be, no matter who disagrees. The only reason you don't want me for a daughter is because you hate me."

"That is not true! I only want what is best for you. I know the cruelties of this world, and I don't want you to have to go through those."

"So you tell me to be your son, even though you know full well that I can't. Just remember this, mother, what goes around comes around, and one day I will be this female physically that I am in my soul. One day mother."

"Well, when you are an adult, you can do whatever you want. But as long as you are in my house, you will do as I want. And right now, I want you to change in to some "boy" clothes, so that I can at least "see" my son."

"Mother, you never did have a son. You have a daughter that is trapped in this stupid body. Now I know a little about things, and if I have to, I will leave here, and never come back. Never!"

"If you leave this house and don't come back, I will have to report you as a runaway. Then the police will pick you up and put you in jail."

"No they won't, mother. They'll bring me right back here, unless I tell them that I am being abused, but I have a family that I can stay with. They will take me there, and arrest you. Believe me, mother, there is a lot I can dream up. I am your daughter, not your stupid son. Do you know why I can be this girl physically that I am in my soul? Because I have the attitude, I have the strength to deal with anything that comes along, I have the necessary discipline to be a woman. You mother, are only a female. You are not even a good mother. A good mother loves her child regardless of who that child is, and needs to be. A love that is unconditional. But when you say that you love me, you put restrictions on that love. You will only love me, if I dress and act like the son I can never be."

"Of course you can act like my son, you're a boy."

"No, mother, I am not a "boy", I am a female in my soul being forced to hide in this body by her mother, because her mother is selfish. I am not a "boy", I am a female in a stupid male body. No insult intended, David."

"None taken, Ronnie."

"Well, like I said, Ronnie, you bring everything you get on yourself. I have tried, and tried, but apparently you aren't listening."

"Not about this, I won't listen. Ask anything else for me to do, and I will do it. But I cannot be your son. Not ever."

Well, I think your friends better call their parents for someone to pick them up. Ronnie, when your friends leave, you are grounded to your room for the night."

"I looked at Bobbie and David, and just smiled."

"And don't think about going anywhere, except to your room. If you leave, I will report you as a runaway."

"Mother, you can do what you want. I am leaving, and I am leaving you the address where I will be. I am twelve years old, and as long as I am where you know I am at, they will not take a runaway report. Cindy's father told me that, and he's a lawyer."

"Then I will have him in trouble too. Ronnie, you just cannot go running around the countryside by yourself."

"I go to school by myself. I go to the library by myself. I go to the zoo by myself. What is it you don't want me doing? Dressing like a girl? Girls dress like girls, mother, and I am a girl."

"NO! YOU ARE NOT A GIRL! YOU ARE A BOY!"

"Mother, you don't have to yell. I am going over to Bobbie's. Her address is right there, and I will be staying for dinner too. If you want me to be here, and live with you, it will have to be that I live here as your daughter."

Bobbie, David, and I went to get their books from the living room, and we headed out. I looked back at the house with a sadness in my eyes. Mother doesn't love me, all she wants to do is be a dictator. Well, I can't be happy in that house. I will talk to Cindy's father, and tell him what mother is planning on doing.

"I have an idea. Let's stop by Cindy's, I would like to talk to her father, if he is home."

"All right, Ronnie. What we just saw, you now have witnesses. Will your mother really call the cops?"

"Yes. She will report me as a runaway, but when I tell them what I said to her, and told her where I was going, they will leave. See, when someone runs away, nobody knows where they are going, not even the runaway. But I am just going by a friend's house for dinner. That's not running away."

"Your mother sounds like a real dictator, Ronnie. Why doesn't she see what the rest of us know?"

"I don't know, Bobbie, but I don't know what else to do. She is so against me being anything she can't see, and it's not that she can't see me for the girl I am, she refuses to. That's what hurts, really hurts."

"I know, Ronnie. But you have friends here, and if we have to, we will make sure that your mother accepts you, as you."

"Thank you, David."

Chapter ten - Part One - Ronnie sees the doctor.

We all got to Bobbie's house, and went right in. David asked if he could call his parents, and Bobbie's mother said it was all right. David asked his mother if he could stay for dinner, and she yes. I asked Bobbie's mother if I could call Cindy, and she I could. I dialed Cindy's number, and when she answered, we talked for a bit, and I told her what mother was going to do. I asked her if her father was home, and she said not yet. I asked her if she would tell him that I am at Bobbie's, and tell him what mother is planning. After saying she would, I asked her if she would come with him. Then that way, we can tell about our plan for tomorrow.

"Ronnie, he knows what we are planning for tomorrow, and he says that it is a good plan. After we get you changed, it will all be up to you, and I know you're going to do great. So when he gets home, I will tell him what your mother wants to do, and I will come over with him."

"All right Cindy, and thanks girlfriend."

"You are very welcome, girlfriend."

"Cindy said her dad isn't home yet, but she will tell him. Mother can't report me as a runaway until eleven o'clock, so I am sure that Cindy's father can come up with something. You heard what my mother said. She is so blind to what I need, she scares me most of the time."

"I couldn't believe she yelled at you, like that. Does she do that all the time?"

"No, Bobbie, just when she wants to impress others that she is doing her "mommy" job. When it is just us two, she just tells me she doesn't approve of me, dressing like the girl I am."

"Well, it's like I said, she is just selfish, and wants a son she can brag about. I don't think she wants to understand, and she is definitely not accepting you, either."

"I know, but what she doesn't know is, I can't be that son she so badly wants. I have tried to tell her, but she says I am too young to know what life is all about yet."

"She's the one that doesn't know what life is all about. If she did, she would see you for the pretty girl that you are."

"Thank you, David," I said, feeling the heat in my face, that told me I was blushing.

"You know, Ronnie, you are even prettier when you blush that way." I was getting redder I think.

"Ronnie, don't worry. We will find a way to make her understand, or we can get Cindy's dad to help us get you away from her."

"That would be nice. What I need is a home where I am accepted for who I am, not who they want me to be."

"I agree," Bobbie said, looking like she was thinking hard. "I think what we need to do, is ask Cindy's dad what we can do, because your mother is not a very good person. She tells you to treat others the way you want to be treated, and then she turns around and does just the opposite. I guess saying that her word is her bond, as my daddy says, is not a good thing to say about her?"

"No, it isn't. We actually need to think of another saying that does apply to my mother. She is so stingy, and she never gives me hugs or kisses anymore, and she doesn't sit next to me on the sofa, like she used to, when we are watching television. I..." I was interrupted by Bobbie's mother.

"Ronnie, did I just hear you say that your mother doesn't give you hugs or kisses any more?"

"Yes, Mrs. Granger. Ever since she said I could dress like a girl only in the house, she has been very distant from me, affection wise. I have been dressing like the girl I am, as you can see, Mrs. Granger, even outside of the house. I don't understand why she won't accept me."

"Well young lady, you are welcome and accepted here. When you first came to this house, you didn't have to say anything. I saw in you a very pretty girl, even dressed as a boy. It wasn't anything you said, but it was how you said it, and the things you did, were definitely feminine. I talked with Bobbie, and she told us that everybody at school thought you were a girl. I understand you are in girl's physical education. I know Darlene McConnell from when we were in college together. She actually does know how to teach physical education, and she will do anything for her girls. You are now one of her girls, Ronnie, and if you need to talk to her about anything, she will listen, and if she can, give you a little advice too. I did have an idea for tomorrow though.

"Instead of changing for the doctor right after school, why not change in the girls lavatory, before the second bell rings. I am sure you will get a lot of whistles from the boys, and admiring looks from the girls."

"That would be a better idea than the one we had. Change before homeroom, and then spend the day dressed like I am supposed to be. If mother were to see me before school ends, she would definitely go ballistic."

"All right then, I will have Bobbie bring a set of her clothes with her. I also understand that Cindy is helping too? That is good, because between the three of you, you can get dressed faster, than if you did it alone."

"I like this plan better, because then I won't have to worry about it after school. My mother is picking me up, and then we are going out to county hospital to see this doctor. But don't worry any though, I will not let him get the better of me."

"All right, I have to go and see about getting dinner started. Will Cindy and her father be coming?"

"I'm not sure, Mrs. Granger, but Cindy did say he wasn't home yet, when I called."

"All right, I will make enough for them too. Why don't you call Cindy and tell her they're having dinner here tonight. Then we can let Cindy know of the changes to the plan."

"That's a great idea, Mrs. Granger. I'll do that right now."

I called Cindy to tell her that they will be having dinner at Bobbie's hoouse, because then we can talk. I told her what Bobbie's mother had said, and she thought it was a good idea too. She said her dad had just gotten home, and she would tell him they should come right over. Cindy said she will explain to her dad what I said about what my mother plans on doing. After a little more talk, Cindy said cya when we get there, and we both hung up.

"They're coming over. Cindy's dad just got home, and she thinks that what your mother said is a good plan too."

"That's good," Bobbie said, agreeing that the plan was good.

The doorbell rang, and Bobbie's mother went to answer it. It was Cindy and her parents. Bobbie invited them in, and took their coats. They all came in the living room, and everybody but Bobbie's mom was there. Mrs. Granger was making the dinner, so she had to watch it closely. We were all talking about what my mother had told me when Bobbie and David were at me house. Cindy's father looked young, like he was too young to have a twelve year old Daughter, but he did. He had a full head of brown hair, and dark brown eyes, and he was taller than everyone there. Well I guess that's because we were all girls, except for him. That is at the moment, because Bobbie's father wasn't in the room.

"Ronnie, I can help you, if you ever want to get away from your mother. I can file a petition in the children's court asking the court to place you in safe foster care. I will recommend the Grangers take you in, because Mrs. Granger does have a foster care license."

"I am going to wait until after I see this doctor. The girls are helping me with an outfit, because my mother made my appointment for four o'clock, so I wouldn't have time to go home and change. She doesn't want me dressing like this outside of the house. But how am I supposed to dress? I'm a girl, and girls wear dresses, skirts, bras, panties, slips, stockings, high heels, and take bubble baths, and wear nice feminine nightgowns to bed. I don't know what she wants from me, other than to pretend to be the son I can never be.

"I mean, I am only twelve years old, and we have a new President, and we have more understanding and accepting ways, than we ever did, and we all know the meaning behind be true to yourself. That is all I can be, because my mother surely can't, because she can't live my life. She tries awfully hard though, but she can't, because she isn't me."

"Well you just let me know. I am very serious."

"Thank you, Mr. Marks. It's just sad that my mother doesn't love me."

That was the end basically of talking about what we can do to get me away from mother. Bobbie's mother came out and said dinner was ready, and we all went in the dining room. We stood around the table while Bobbie's father said grace. During dinner we talked about other things, like school, shopping, and makeup. The adults were talking about adult things, while Bobbie, Cindy, and I, talked about going shopping tomorrow, after I had seen the doctor. Bobbie and Cindy said any clothes I wanted, would be kept at their houses. That was so there would be enough room for my clothes, and theirs too.

After dinner was over, the guys went in the living room, while the rest of us cleaned up. It was nice to be included in this group who cared about me as a person. Why couldn't I have Bobbie's, or even Cindy's mother for my very own? Why did my mother always yell at me, and why doesn't she want me to be happy? I will never know I guess.

After we cleaned up, we sat at the kitchen table, and just talked girl talk, about fashions today, as opposed to when Bobbie's and Cindy's mothers were teenagers. Bobbie's mother said her nightmares are about the short skirts Bobbie wears to school, or to just hang with her friends.

"Mother, that's the style now. When you were our age, you wore those skirts and dresses, that came almost to your ankles. Today a girl wants to show a little leg, and figure."

"A little leg? Bobbie, you are showing a lot of leg, and you're not even thirteen years old yet."

"Well, how else am I supposed to attract guys?"

Bobbie's mother gave a very audible sigh, and the rest of us just giggled. "Bobbie, you have a lot of time to attract guys. At your age, you should still be playing with dolls, or at the very most babysitting for someone to make a few extra dollars. But these very sexy clothes you girls wear today, really worry me. Now honey, you are only twelve years old, and there are a lot of really weird men out there that look how you are dressed, and may decide to do something to you. Tell you what though, if you girls are going to dress like this, then never be alone. Always be in a group, because there is safety in numbers."

"All right, mother. We will make sure we are always together, unless of course I am with you and daddy."

"Good girl. I just worry a lot." Bobbie got up and gave her mother a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I just thought how great it would be, if I had that kind of relationship with my mother. Even when Mrs. Granger was telling Bobbie about how she worried because of how Bobbie dressed, she wasn't yelling. I liked it here, and at Cindy's because they were a families that cared about each other, and treated others like they wanted to be treated. That is what my mother kept telling me I was supposed to do, but she didn't think it applied to her. Well, tomorrow I see this stupid doctor, and I am going to make sure he sees Ronnie the girl. We went to Bobbie's room, and she showed me the skirt and blouse she was bringing, and she had me try on the shoes. The skirt is Scottish tartan plaid, and the blouse is lime green, that buttoned up in the back. The shoes were just everyday black pumps, that had two inch heels, and an ankle strap. Cindy said she would bring the lingerie, and the stockings.

Cindy said a half slip would be appropriate, because then the bra straps would show through the blouse. Cindy, and Bobbie agreed, said that the doctor being a male, would be so attracted to the bra straps, than he would me.

"And, he will probably be undressing you with his mind during the whole time that you're there."

"That would be funny, Bobbie, since I am supposed to be there to get my head shrunk." We all giggled, and the mothers came up to the room, and wanted to know what was so funny. We told them, and they giggled too.

"Bobbie is right. Men undress us all the time with their minds, thinking about how nice it would be to get us in bed. This is going to be interesting, Ronnie. I want you to come over tomorrow, if you can, and tell us everything that went on in the doctor's office."

"Thank you, Mrs. Granger. I will be sure to have a lot of fun, making this worm squrim." We all giggled, and then I was told that Cindy and her parents were leaving, and I should get back home too.

"That way, your mother can't report you as a runaway." I said thank you again, and gave everyone a hug, and Cindy's father gave me a ride home.

When I walked in the house, it was just a little after nine o'clock. I walked over to mother, sitting in her chair in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, and having a cigarette. I gave her a hug, and sat down.

"Mother, while I was at Bobbie's, I had dinner with them, and we talked about girl things. I know that bothers you, but you won't tell me the real reason. Why does my being a girl, bother you so much?"

"I have already told you. I made the appointment for Dr. Johnston tomorrow, because I don't want you to be able to change into something feminine. You are wearing your boy clothes to school tomorrow, so that when you see the doctor, you will at least be presentable as a boy.

I got up from the chair, and started walking to the kitchen door, so I could go up and get my bath and go to bed. I looked back at mother, and told her what was on my mind.

"Mother, you taught me to treat others like I wanted to be treated. But you seem to think that doesn't go for you to do the same thing. All you do lately is treat me with hatred and scorn. So that means that is the way you want people to treat you. Right? Right. Good night, mother."

I went up to the bathroom, and turned on the tap for the bathtub, and put in a little rose bubble bath. I went to my room to get my robe, slippers, and nightgown. I went back and turned off the water, and brushed my teeth. I undressed, and go into the tub. I sat there thinking about what we talked about at Bobbie's, and Cindy's father telling me he could help me get away from mother. I had to really think about this.

I washed all over, and got out and patted myself down. I put lotion and powder on, and got into my nightgown, robe, and slippers. Oh darn it, anyway! I forgot a pair of panties. I'll get those when I get back to my room. I put all my dirty clothes in the hamper, and went to my room. I got out a pair of white panties, and slid them up my legs, and got into bed.

I didn't dream anything during the night, and mother came in to wake me up for school. "I have your clothes all ready for you in the bathroom. You are dressing like a boy today, because I want this doctor to see that I have a son. Now, come on, get up, and get your bath. Breakfast will be ready when you come down."

I was surprised that she didn't have an attitude. Oh well, I got up and took my bath, with rose bubble bath in it, and then got out after washing, and got dressed. I went down to the kitchen, and mother had made pancakes, bacon, toast, and there was even a vitamin pill next to my glass. All right, what exactly is mother up to? I had to tell Bobbie and Cindy about this. I ate my breakfast, taking small bites, and when I was finished, I rinsed my dishes, and put them in the sink. I gave mother a hug and a kiss, and told her I would see her after school. She smiled back at me, and said she loved me, and have a good day at school.

I waited for the bus to come, and when it did, I sat next to David, because someone else was sitting by Bobbie. When we got to the school, I asked Bobbie if we were going to do what we had planned. She opened her back pack, and showed me the outfit.

"Come on girlfriend, let's make you pretty." We went into the school, and right to the girls restroom. I went in a stall and took off my boy clothes. Bobbie handed me the skirt, blouse, and shoes, and just then Cindy came in and handed me a bag with the lingerie in it. I got into the clothes, and stepped out of the stall. "Wow, now we are going to make you stunning."

They got out the makeup, and began putting on me. First the eyeliner, then the eyeshadow, then Cindy put on a light foundation, and Bobbie put on the powder over that. They made sure everything was blended in and looked smooth. Then Bobbie handed me the mascara, and I put that on. Cindy handed me a tube of light pink lipstick, and with everything on, I was ready for school. The right way. The second bell rang, and we went to class. The homeroom teachers walked down the aisles taking attendance, when our teacher stopped by my desk.

"Now that is how a young lady dresses. You look very nice today, Ronnie."

I looked up at him, and said, "thank you, sir."