You Must Give In Order To Receive - a Doctor Who FanFic (Chp 4)

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You Must Give In Order to Receive
By Maggiethekitten

by Haiti

Chapter 4
Muffins and Memories

Rose was suddenly wide eyed, “An angel?”

Maggie smiled as she wiped away a tear, “Yes an angel, a pint sized angel of the earthly variety.”

The look on Rose’s face said she was still lost in the fog. Maggie soon cleared it away. “Just as I was getting up my nerve to climb the railing, I heard a small child’s voice calling me. She couldn’t have possibly known my name. Obviously, as odd as it must seem, she must have mistaken me for another woman named Maggie. Regardless, she came running at me on short legs with her arms extended. She was a lovely little thing with dark blonde hair up in bunches, and big blue eyes. She couldn’t have been older than 5 or 6. I knelt down as she approached and she ran straight into my arms. She hugged me tightly and then pulled back.”

Maggie stopped and looked deep into Rose’s eyes before starting again, “She told me, ‘Don’t go away Maggie. I love you,”’ I know … I know. How could she possibly know what I was about to do, and how could she possibly love me? And yet the look in her eyes said she did. I pulled her in close as the tears ran down my cheeks. Finally I kissed her on her forehead and savoured her unconditional love. Then, as fast as she had come to me, she turned and ran back the direction from which she’d come.

“In the distance I could see her parents, at least, I suppose it was her parents.. The fog was a bit heavy that night and I couldn’t make their face out clearly. He was a tall thin man and she was a young woman with blonde hair. My little friend ran back to them and jumped into her father’s arms. She turned and waved at me just before the trio disappeared into the fog.

“I turned and walked away from the bridge. I had found my reason to live. I had one little girl who accepted me and loved me. If for no other reason than that I had to try and go on. And I did, at least until tonight.”

Rose wrapped her arms around Maggie as tears fell freely from both women.
“Oh Maggie, what an incredible story. I’m so glad that little girl came along when she did.”

“Me too.”

Rose sighed, “I can’t possibly imagine what life must be like for you.”

Maggie searched for words, “ No … I suppose you can’t. I don’t see how any woman born a woman truly could, but perhaps if you can try an imagine a scenario I’m about to paint, it might just give you some idea. Imagine if you will, waking up one day and suddenly you are trapped in a man’s body. Your mind, your heart, your desires, your likes and dislikes, you very soul is the same, only your body is now a man’s. Obviously you would try to tell people who you truly were, but how could they possibly believe you? Would you believe such a story if someone else told it to you? Of course you wouldn’t. No one in their right mind would believe such a tale, and they would think you mad if you persisted in it. You would have but two choices: either go on saying you’re a woman, and be locked away, or masquerade as a man. In either scenario you are a prisoner, locked away for the rest of your life. Never again will you enjoy even the simplest pleasures of being a woman. You will die and no one will know who you truly were.”

Rose dropped her head in shame. The Doctor was right. She had been blinded by the body. How could she ever have been so closed-minded? How could she have made such a terrible mistake? Hopefully, the Doctor and Maggie could forgive her ignorance.

“Maggie I’ve got a confession to make. I … I well … I had difficulty thinking of you as a woman, once I realized you were a man, I mean not really a man, but well … that is ….”

Maggie pulled Rose back in for another hug, “It’s alright, Rose. I know what you mean. I’m not offended. At first you believed what you saw, but now you believe what you can’t see.”

Rose smiled sheepishly while Maggie’s blue eyes twinkled, “By George I believe she’s got it! Thank you, Rose.”

~ §~ §~

As the two women savoured the warmth and love of their hug, the Doctor was fighting the winds and bitter cold. Having finally reached the north end of the bridge, he set out to find Shakespeare’s. The street was deserted, and he soon found himself talking aloud to a higher authority he hoped was within earshot.

“Okay, we’re here. Now what is your game this time?”

He stopped, listening for something that didn’t come. Nothing but the sound of the howling wind greeted him, so he started up again.

“Quiet are we? Very well then. I’ll do the talking.”

He paused a moment to collect his thoughts. “White Guardian? Black Guardian? I know one or both of you are here. I’m sure of it. And … I’m sure you intend me to be a pawn in one of your chess games. Well … I’m not going to play. Do you hear me? I refuse to play!”

The Doctor scowled as he looked up into the night sky, “Is this about Rose? I know whatever you have in mind, she’s part of the mix. And what about Maggie? Is she the reason you’ve abducted my Tardis, and sent me to Victorian England on Christmas Eve 1898? How could this woman’s life or the ending of it be so important to either of you?”

Again, nothing but the howling winds. The Doctor continued on in silence.

Turning the corner, he followed the cobblestone until he was standing in front of the shop of London’s finest baker. He was prepared to knock on the door until he raised old Shakespeare from the flat above, but then stopped, as he read the note. “Gone to Brighton. Closed until the New Year.”

The Doctor pulled his overcoat closed and turned back the way he came. His stomach was hungry for scones; his mind was hungry for answers.

“If you’re behind all this, Black Guardian, it’s rather pointless talking to you. You’ll make your play soon enough, and I’ll have to deal with it then. White Guardian if you’re listening … then I appeal to you. If you’ve need of me, then I am at your service, you know this, but please do not endanger the lives of those innocents travelling with me. I’ve lost too many, far too many.”

The Doctor was nearing the entrance to the bridge when he finally encountered another person out on this dreadful Christmas Eve. His eyes lit up. He could not believe his good fortune. It was the Muffin Man!

“Hi ho the Muffin Man!” he sang as he ran toward the wagon.

A short and round grey haired man, hardly dressed for the inhospitable weather greeted him with a smile. “Fresh hot muffins, my Lord?”

“Oh yes, and three, if you please?” the Doctor rubbed his frosty fingers together.

The old man dropped the muffins into a bag and handed them to the Doctor. “Here you are, my Lord.”

The Doctor reached into his pocket to pay for his purchase and then sighed as he had not a farthing on him. “I … umm … seem to be a bit skin.”

The Muffin Man smiled, “No charge my Lord, take them in the spirit of Christmas, and remember what they say, you must give in order to receive.”

The Doctor gave him a puzzled look, “Isn’t that umm … it’s more blessed to give than receive?”

The old man shrugged his shoulders and looked deep into the Doctor’s eyes. “That depends, my Lord.”

“On what?,” the Doctor eyed him curiously as he savoured the smell of the muffins.

The Muffin Man started pushing his cart, “On your situation and your needs. When the time is right, you’ll know which applies. Merry Christmas, my Lord.”

The Doctor held his small bag of warm muffins and contemplated the old man’s strange words as he watched him disappear into the fog.

The man and his wagon had no more gone out of sight than the Doctor realized he’d been visited by one of the Guardians in disguise. They had been listening. He was pretty sure it was the White Guardian; he would have sensed the evil had it been his nemesis. He was even more sure that his cryptic message about needing to give in order to receive had bearing on the journey before him. While he still didn’t fancy being a pawn in the game or risking the lives of Rose or Maggie, it appeared the game was afoot and he had no choice but to be a participant, unwilling or not.

Tucking the muffins inside his overcoat, he pulled it up close around him and started once again for the bridge.

~ §~ §~

Back at the Tardis, Rose and Maggie were continuing to learn more about themselves and each other.

Maggie was standing by the fire, warming herself while Rose was playing with a cold cup of tea, thinking about how much she’d learned this Christmas Eve.

“Rose, might I ask you a question?”

Rose set down the cup she wasn’t drinking, “Of course you can. Lord knows I’ve asked you enough already.”

Maggie returned to her seat on the sofa. “The Doctor says he travels both time and space in this ship, this horseless tea carriage of his?”

Rose confirmed with a smile and a nod.

“And while he looks pretty much like any other jack the lad you’d see on the streets of London, save for those strange white boots of his, it’s obvious he’s not from here, not from France and not from any place I’ve ever known of”.

“That’s true. He’s not from Earth. He’s from a planet called Galafrey. I’ve never been there, and he doesn’t speak much about it, but I do know all his people are gone. He is the last of his kind. He is the last Time Lord.”

“How terribly sad. Save for you, that means he’s all alone,” Maggie stared at the dancing flames. “I know how it feels to be alone. It’s the worst of the worst, I think.”

Rose took Maggie’s hand, “Well … you needn’t worry about that anymore. You’ve got me and the Doctor to keep you company, and now the Doctor has two birds to drive him bonkers.”

Maggie smiled, her baby blues sparkling. Twenty years seemed to melt from her face. “Thank you Rose. Thank you so much.” She hesitated, “Rose? One more question?”

“Sure, Mags, fire away.”

“You said you were a south London girl, but you’re no more from any part of south London I’m familiar with than the Doctor is from France. I dare say you’re not from my London at all are you?”

Rose smiled and confirmed Maggie was spot on. “You’re right. I’m not from your London of 1898. Back home in my London, it’s Christmas Eve 2008 and my Mum’s goose is drying out,” she added with a frown.

“Blimey!” Maggie gasp wide-eyed. “That’s a 110 years.” She looked round the Tardis, “This is H.G. Wells Time Machine!! I can only imagine the wonders of London 2008.”

“Well if the Doctor can ever get us to my Mum’s place,” Rose quipped dryly, “you’ll be able to see all those wonders first hand.”

“There must be advances in your time beyond my wildest dreams. Men flying to the moon!” Maggie spread her arms like eagle wings and flew fantasy like a small child.

“And the people …I can only imagine how much man has grown in over a hundred years. He must have gained so much wisdom, and hand in hand with that wisdom, must surely be compassion, understanding and tolerance. All the great sicknesses must have been cured. No small children in the streets begging for food. War must be a thing of the past.”

Rose sighed, “Sadly, no … there are still diseases, still hunger and man still hasn’t learned to get along with man all that well.”

“Rose? Are there people … well people like me … you know what the Doctor called me … transpeople? Are there transpeople in your London of 2008 just like me?”

Rose thought about the people she’d seen on the telly, and marching in the parades and at some of those wilder night clubs. Some of those were the “transpeople” Maggie was speaking of, but to Rose, those people had always been odd strangers, perverts, and confused individuals. She hadn’t really thought of them as men and women, that is … until she’d met Maggie.”

“Yes, there are others there who suffer what you suffer, although it’s hard to imagine you as a trans … transsexual is the word I think the Doctor used? I … I just can’t think of you as anything else other than a woman.”

Maggie hugged her new best friend, “Oh thank you. That is the greatest compliment you could ever pay me. And yes, I’ve suffered and I suppose all those like me must suffer to some degree, but it must be so much easier being a transsexual in 2008. It must truly be the age of man’s enlightenment.”

Rose listened as Maggie painted a romantic version of a utopian 21st century London. “I know medicine hasn’t the ability to place my spirit in a woman’s body, the Doctor as much told me that, but there must be loads of things that can be done to alter one’s appearance and make a body more feminine. I’m sure all of these procedures and medicines are made readily available to all, and not just the rich and aristocracy.”

Maggie was talking about plastic surgery and feminizing drugs. Rose didn’t know much about the drugs, but every woman knew about plastic surgery. Most of it was not covered by the National Health Care, and the very best cost the very best, and was certainly not available to all.

“And I bet they don’t lock us away in prisons or asylums anymore. People of your time are more understanding and compassionate.”

“Were they?” Rose thought. When she first discovered Maggie had been born Edward, had she been very understanding or compassionate? Had she recognized, and accepted Maggie as a woman, or had she simply humoured her like you would a small child, or someone who had lost her faculties, maybe even belonged in a mental hospital?

Rose didn’t think people like Maggie could be imprisoned for simply being transsexual in modern day England, although she wouldn’t be surprised if there still were laws in the books prohibiting her from dressing as a woman, or using the public loo. And she was very sure there were still places in the world that would imprison or possibly even kill Maggie for simply being herself.

Maggie was losing herself in a futuristic world that Rose knew was still an impossible dream. “Oh Rose, I can’t imagine what it must be like to walk down the street in your London, but I’m going to try.”

Maggie drew a picture in her mind and shared it with Rose. “I could go into shops and no longer have to lie about buying clothes for my fiancé. I would be greeted with the same welcome and respect as any other woman looking for a new dress or a hat. People I passed on the street would greet me with warm smiles, and no longer would I see the disgust, the fear and the hate in their eyes. People of your time would be above such thoughtless cruelty and prejudice ...”

Rose’s stomach was in knots. The shame she was feeling was souring her stomach. People of her time were not above cruelty or prejudice. Racial and religious hate crimes were in the news everyday. Would Maggie really receive a better reception from shopkeepers or those she passed on the street? Rose had seen enough on the streets of 21st century London to know Maggie would not fare much better in Rose’s time than she would her own.

“… My family would accept me for who I truly was. I never would have been chastised for expressing the true me when I was a child, and I would be welcomed as a daughter of the house ....”

Again Rose felt more shame and sadness. Would her family really have welcomed her so readily? Would they have encouraged any young boy who seemed to take to girls’ toys and girls clothes? The few talk shows she’d half watched with her Mum said that was not normally the case. Children like Maggie were often punished as severely for such behaviour as Maggie had been. Those who decided to try and live as the gender of their choice were often cast out by their family. Parents often said they didn’t have a son or daughter anymore. From that point on they considered their child dead. That hardly sounded like the enlightened loving family Maggie envisioned.

“… Why … I might even be able to have a beau if I so desired. Granted I’m not the most attractive sort, but surely in your time there would be a man for me, one who could see beyond this shell. I could marry and even adopt children!”

‘Could she find such a man?’ Rose pondered. ‘How many men would not only accept Maggie as a woman, but could truly love her as a one?’ She wondered just how long it would take for Maggie to find her handsome prince, or for that matter, would she ever? She also wondered if there were many places in the world Maggie could marry, or any churches that would bless such a marriage. Children? Adoption was hard enough for a blue blood couple. The papers were full of barren couples begging unwed mothers for their babies. Maggie and her man would have no chance at all in Rose’s London.

“I can’t wait to get to your London, Rose!” Maggie was bouncing like a child waiting for Christmas morning.

Rose smiled and stayed silent. She couldn’t bear to tell Maggie that there was no Santa Claus for her in the 21st century. Sadly, she would find that out soon enough.

“Rose,” Maggie asked with the enthusiasm and look of a child, “If you could make a single Christmas wish, what would it be?”

Rose thought for awhile and then gave a pat response, “World peace I suppose.”

Maggie winked, “No … I mean something a little more personal. You know … something for you!”

Now it was Rose’s turn to drift off to a fantasy she prayed would be reality, “To spend the rest of my life with the Doctor,” she sighed dreamily.

Maggie nodded knowingly. She never had experienced true love, but even a blind woman could see how these two felt about each other.

“I don’t think you’ll have to depend upon Saint Nicholas for that one, Rose. I’d say you’ve got that in the pocket.”

Rose smiled, “Thanks Maggie. I hope so. I … I can’t imagine my life without him.” Then she turned the table. “So how about you, Miss Maggie? What would be your ultimate Christmas wish? I bet I can guess?”

Maggie got up and walked silently to the fireplace, rubbing her hand and drinking in the warmth. When she finally turned and faced Rose her eyes were shining bright blue again. “It’s not quite what you think.”

Rose’s mouth opened in shock. Maggie assured her she hadn’t gone round the bend. “Yes, of course I want to be all female, to have a body to go with my spirit. I would be very happy to look just like you, Rose. I think you are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, but if I truly had a body to match my spirit, I think it would be a little different …” She shifted from foot to foot like a nervous child, “If I tell you, you’ll think me mad for sure.”

“No I won’t,” Rose reassured her.

“It’s really a silly thing I suppose, being a grown woman and all”.

“Maggie,” Rose gently prompted her.

“You won’t laugh?”

Rose crossed her heart and solemnly promised she wouldn’t.

Maggie carried back what warmth she could from the fire and rejoined Rose on the sofa. “You remember me telling you about that summer afternoon with Allyson in the garden?”

Rose nodded.

“That was the happiest moment of my life. The little girl in me felt so alive, so free, so … so … exactly the way I wished life to be. And … even though it’s been over thirty years since that day and I’ve grown to middle age, the spirit of that little girl is still very much alive within me. So in answer to your question, if I could have anything for Christmas, I’d ask the jolly fat man to let me be that happy little girl. Only this time, it wouldn’t just last for a few hours of a summer day. This time it would last for as long as any child is a child.”

Maggie’s face had dropped as she’d told her tale, as if she was afraid to see Rose’s reaction to her hearts desire. When she finished, she finally found the courage to raise her face and look into Rose’s eyes. “I … I suppose you think me quite daft to wish for such a thing?

“No … no I don’t,” Rose gently reassured. “Come to think of it. It makes perfect sense. I’m a woman now, but I was a little girl once. In fact, if I hadn’t been a little girl and done all the things little girls do, I suppose I wouldn’t … I couldn’t have grown into the woman I am today.”

Maggie breathed a sigh of relief. Not only did Rose not think she was mad, but she also seemed to understand her wish. “As much as I would cherish the love of a handsome prince, that little girl within me still yearns for the unconditional love of a mummy and a daddy, and to be pulled up in a lap and feel arms holding me tight and safe. It seems ridiculous, but I still want to run and play just like I did that afternoon. Yes, I’d be happy to wake up a woman just like you Rose, but if I had my choice … if I could have it exactly the way I wanted it, I want to wake up as a little girl with parents who love me and grow into a woman just like any other girl: one day at a time.”

Rose could clearly see the little girl within Maggie, yearning to play, and desperately needing love and acceptance. She wished she could do more, but she offered all she could in a pair of open arms. Maggie snuggled into them and laid her head on Rose’s shoulder. A few minutes later Maggie was sleeping soundly.

Rose was deep in thought, contemplating all she’d learned since meeting Maggie, when she was startled by the arrival of the Doctor.

“Hi ho it’s the Muffin Man!” he sang.

“Shhh!!!” hushed Rose as she pointed to the sleeping Maggie on her shoulder.

The Doctor walked softly over to Rose and then gently lifted Maggie up, allowing Rose to slip out from underneath. He eased Sleeping Beauty back down on the sofa and pulled a woobie over her. Rose watched Maggie sleep, amazed at how much the child within was coming out. While Rose was watching Maggie, the Doctor was watching Rose, and marvelling at her maternal instinct peeking out. He was tempted to comment, but discretion being the better part of valour, decided to let this one pass.

“So … did you two girls get to know each other?”

“I’ll say we did and … and …” Rose looked up sheepishly at the Doctor, “and just like you said, I got to know myself a bit better, too. I wasn’t very happy with what I found. I’m ashamed of how I acted and how I thought.”

“Rose … there is no need to be ashamed of ignorance. Shame serves no purpose other than to lead to self pity. No … recognize your ignorance, and do something about it. Learn, Rose Tyler … open your eyes and learn!”

“Oh I’ve learned alright, Doctor … I’ve learned so very much.”

“Good girl!” the Doctor complimented his companion, then turned his attentions to the sleeping woman.

“How long has she been out?”

“Oh not long. Maybe twenty or thirty minutes. Poor thing must have been exhausted; she just fell off in my arms.”

The Doctor smiled slyly, “Well … she might have had a little help from some Maruvian sleeping root. I did mix just a little into the tea.”

“But … you’re not sleepy and I’m not sleepy?”

“Ah yes, that’s why I played Mum,” the Doctor reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small vial of brown powder. “I slipped a bit into her tea. I felt she needed to relax for the two of you to talk, but apparently I was bit strong on the dosage.”

“Apparently so,” Rose confirmed as she watched Maggie sleeping deeply.

“All the better she sleeps, anyway. We need to talk. Care for a muffin?” the Doctor presented the brown bag to Rose. She waved him off as she was hungrier for conversation than a warm breaded sweet.

“While I was out, I ran into the White Guardian.” The Doctor paused, “well … at least I’m pretty sure it was him.”

“Well, what happened?”

“He gave me these muffins as I didn’t have any money to buy them”.

“What?” Rose said in disbelief, “The White Guardian is the Muffin Man?”

“Only masquerading as one, and he did give me a message, ‘You must give in order to receive’.”

“What does that mean?”

The Doctor shrugged his shoulders, “I haven’t the foggiest, but he’s assured me I will when the time is right.”

“So why are we here in London on Christmas Eve, 1898, and what does Maggie have to do with this all? Is she the reason we’ve been sent here, or did we just happen upon her by chance?”

The Doctor warmed himself by the fire, “Those are excellent questions, Rose, very well thought out and presented. Unfortunately I haven’t any excellent answers for them. All I can do is tell you what I think. I believe we are here in London on Christmas Eve 1898, because for reasons unknown, that is where we are supposed to be. I don’t know if Maggie is part of the grand scheme of things, but I want to be believe our meeting was more than happenchance. The only thing I know for sure, is that the next move is theirs.

Rose joined the Doctor by the fire, “Sooo …what do we do Doctor?”

The Time Lord licked his lips, “Now we eat those muffins!”

Rose laughed and shook her head as she went to one end of the sofa and the Doctor squeezed into the other, while Maggie slept curled up between them. The Doctor reached into the bag and leaned toward Rose to hand her a muffin.

Suddenly Maggie’s nose twitched and then a sleepy smile followed.

“I smell muffins!” she said, sitting upright.

“Hello, Sleeping Beauty.” The Doctor laughed as he reached into the bag for a second muffin, “Care for a muffin my dear?”
,
Maggie took the muffin. “Oh thank you Doctor, I love muffins! They’ve been my favourite ever since I was little.”

The Doctor and Rose watched as she tore into the muffin, like the small child she so wished she could be.

Muffins and fresh tea, minus of course, the Maruvian mix, were shared by the three and then it came time to make some rather important decisions. The Doctor gave Maggie one last chance to back out. She turned him down flat. She was ready to go where ever Rose and he would lead.

The next decision was … where exactly would that be? The Doctor had said he felt the next move would be the Guardians, but that did not necessarily mean they should sit there drinking tea and eating muffins while they waited for it.

Considering they still had an appointment for dinner at Rose’s Mum’s, they decided to try and save her goose, and their necks, by setting course and heading there as originally planned.

The Doctor crossed his fingers and then flipped the control switch. When the engine engaged it startled Maggie, and her hand instinctively reached for Rose’s. Rose smiled reassuringly as she squeezed it.

“Next stop ladies, south London, Christmas Eve, 2008,” the Doctor proclaimed with a wink.

To be continued ...

Editing by Holly Logan

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