Only In Porn

I breezed into the room, feeling my palms sweat. Regular Dave was sitting on a desk, facing away from me. I stopped there for a moment, and seriously considered running away. At the very least taking a desk as far away from his as I could, and never meeting his eyes. Or talking to him again. What would you think if he did that to you? I would think he was mad at me. That might actually be better. Or worse. I didn’t know what it was about him but I thought about him in my other classes, and at home. His sense of humor. His sandy blond, shaggy hair, and pretty blue eyes.

The night before I had spent the half hour in bed, before I went to sleep, imagining those eyes and that hair looking up at me from where his mouth was burried in my crotch. It took forever to fall asleep, and I didn’t worry about it then.

Confronted with the real thing I worried about it obsessivly. I am not gay. Of course that wouldn’t be gay, only there was Rule no.1. I was still a guy, and I had guy thoughts. That made it gay, and I wasn’t gay. There was nothing wrong with being gay, I told myself that because I was woke. But there was something wrong with it, because it wasn’t something that I was. I liked girls, and I was going to continue to like girls. And maybe just suck some dicks. Strike that thought from the record, stenographer.

I dropped my backpack next to Regular Dave and he taked and took a double take. “Have… have I seen you in makeup before?”

“It’s just something I’m trying out.” I downplayed so I wouldn’t seem like the kind of girl who he wouldn’t like. Only I didn’t care if he liked it or not.

“Do or do not, there is no try. And you definitely did.”

“I apreciate the reference but don’t understand your point.”

“You look nice.”

I tried not to gush, “Thanks.” And failed.

I took my seat, smoothing my skirt underneath me. He didn’t say anything about the skirt. He hates it.

“I think I’m not supposed to say that you look good in a skirt. So I’ll say you look great in a skirt.”

I touched my hair, realized that was bad, and twirled a lock in my fingers instead. Damnit that was worse. You are definitely flirting with him. But it was okay because he thought I was gay. I wish I had told him I wasn’t gay. I mean straight. Please start the class already.

But Ms. Clark wasn’t even in the classroom and I couldn’t stop talking to Regular Dave. I cleared my throat instead, and broke eye contact, and fixed eye contact, and broke it again.

“We won’t be able to do any extracurriculars tomorrow. Well we can, but the crew is dutchmaning the flats. No one wants that in…” he looked around the class, “… places.”

“Yeah, that would be pretty gross. You poor baby, you’re going to get blue balls.” See that? That’s flirting. That’s what you don’t want to do.

Regular Dave winked at me, “I’ll manage something.”

The wink hit my nipples harder than the veiled proposition. The bell rang and I still hadn’t been saved. I put my finger on my cheek, and copped an innocent look, “I guess you could call someone.”

“I did get someone’s number recently.”

“I put my hand to my breast in the moi move and horrified myself by winking at him. And then acted on a half hour of fantasies, “Sometimes a girl needs a little garauntee of reciporcation.”

“Consider it garauntee—”

“Okay everyone, let me do attendance and then it’s warm ups.” Where the hell had she been? We all faced forward, and the conversation dropped off, as Ms. Clark made two marks in her book and slipped her shoes off. “What do you want to do today?”

The consensus was Machine and we all stood and shook out, which makes me feel like an idiot every time. Curtis stepped forward to start the motion and Ms. Clark put her hand up, “You don’t get to play Curtis. And you definitly don’t get to be in the center of the machine.” Curtis threw his pen across the room and got another detention.

I girl I recognized from my Algebra class went to the center and started pumping her fist in and out, close to her chest, I came forward to turn it into a cam shaft, and the machine started. Regular Dave came to stand behind me and became a bellows, going up and down. He faced away from me, which was a very apropriate idea because his legs were close to mine and…

And as I turned the wheel of my cam shaft my ass would occasionally brush his leg. This is a normal thing. You try not to touch people during machine, but it happens. Everything is inocennt here. It still caused a hitch in my breath every time it happened. My arm was getting tired and I focused on that, instead of trying to anticipate the rythm. When I caught myself trying to sync up with him, beads of sweat had broken out on my brow, and I sqeezed my eyes shut until the last person joined and the machine exploded.

I turned to fall to the floor, and found myself in Regular Dave’s arms as he reached out and caught me. “I figured you would forget not to fall in that skirt,” he whispered in my ear.

Whisper some more. Whisper anything. “Thanks,” was all I could say, as he carefully set me down, and then collapsed next to me. Please let this class be over.

“So you can draw?” Wee David asked me. We were having lunch in the cafeteria. Everyone was either tired (the girls) or wanted more (the guys) and feminism won out. We were taking a break from the loft until tomorrow, and playing Cards Against Humanity.

“Yeah, she can draw,” Autumn played my wing-woman. “Who had ‘my cavernous rectum’?” Big Davey held up his hand and she threw him the card, “You know what I like.”

Wee David kept talking to me, and I found myself really liking his eyes. They were dark blue, and fierce. I wanted to reach out and touch some part of him while he talked to me and I had no idea why. Is this something Regular Dave did to me? That bastard. “I’m okay. I don’t know much about, like, icons and stuff.”

“Could you learn? Cause I could use little pictures and stuff for this.”

“Like what?”

“Well like things that pop up when people get something. So if the bottle spins to ‘butt plug’ theres a picture of a butt plug and stuff.”

I thought back to the bead joke, that I thought had been a joke. “You guys… you do that?”

“It’s rare. I mean, Goober is the only guy who’s really into it. Hey Bree, how big is your butt plug?”

“Which one?” Bree put her selection into Rachel’s pot. Wee David and I had been sitting out for the talk.

“The red one.”

“I think the wide part is tree inches.”

Wee David turned back to me, “That’s kind of her thing, but I put it in for anyone who wants to experiment.”

That was something I was certain I didn’t want to experiment with. Not even a little bit. Wasn’t even the slightest bit erotic. That was dirty in a way that completely turned me off. I didn’t want anything in my asshole because I wasn’t gay. But you’re gay for chicks now, and (like the porn Bree watches) sometimes—NOPE. All the nopes.

“You should have, like, an opt out button. Something where you can cancel on the butt stuff and do something from the same sexiness tier.”

“Oh, that’s great!” Wee David pulled out a notebook, and I dug a pen for him out of my bag. When I gave it to him, I found myself holding it for longer than I should have.

Dammit Aisling. You are not ga—you are not straight. You like chicks. God his eyes are gorgeous.

He wrote, “Opt out —> same tier. Limits?” And then touched my fingers for a moment as he gave my pen back. “Right now, can you just do a bottle for me?”

“What kind of bottle?” And we talked about that for a long while. Something classic like a coke bottle? Or something adult like some Old no.7? Maybe a bottle of lube? Why does it have to be a bottle? It could be a dildo, or a plug.

“We’re techies, it should be a screw,” Regular Dave said from my right. I hadn’t forgotten he was there while I didn’t flirt with Wee David. I couldn’t forget he was anywhere. But, “Free from jealousy or envy I will play…” And somehow his being present made not flirting with Wee David that much easier.

“I want to sell it to the general public, dude.”

“So? It adds an extra innuendo. Who wants to open a ‘spin the bottle’ app and get hit with double penetration?”

I cut my laugh short, and felt my nipples cut long. Wait, real people actually do that? I thought that was a porn thing. Sitting between the two boys I suddenly realized the temperature of the air. They’ve both done it too. That’s something that… Whoa that thought went so too far, it was infinity far. Time for a breather.

I stood, “I have to go to the bathroom.” And I locked eyes with Autumn.

“Oh, I’ll go with you,” she leaped up too.

Regular Dave brought in the rest of the table on the merits of a screw as Autumn and I fled the table.

I found a stall and found that a skirt really worked for what the bathroom was for. While I didn’t remember having to pee, I found that I still had something to do in here. Can I just pee on command now? I knew I didn’t have anything to injure if I held it. In fact that’s what I had been doing. Waiting until in class to go, so that I wouldn’t meet anyone in the bathrooms.

So far it had worked, and the ladies seemed exactly like the mens other than the lack of urinals.

And the boxes on the sides of the stalls. What the hell were they for? Not something I could ask anyone.

As I did the thing I sort of came in here for, Autumn said from next to me, in the stall, “So what did you want to talk about?”

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Talking in the stall was not done.

“Aisling, are you okay.”

“I’m…” I cleared my throat and tried to speak at normal volume, “I’m fine. Can we talk in a second?”

“Why?”

“Do you want to talk now?”

“Why not?”

I finished, pulled my panties up, and unlocked the door, “Because—It’s okay now.” I went to the sink.

“Don’t be such a boy. This is the sanctum of woman. We talk here.”

New information. Rule no.1. I would not talk in the stall. Ever. I could manage while I was out and she was in though.

“Have you done… that?”

“I’ve done just about everything after a year with them, be more specific.”

“Everything?”

“Just about.”

“Even double penetration?” My nipples had cooled it, because all I could feel was shock.

“You really have to be in the right mood. It’s mostly a show week thing.”

She opened the door and went to wash her hands. Once clean she put her hand on my arm, “You don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything. I don’t think Rachel ever has. She doesn’t even like anal.”

That’s not even enticing. Dirtiness is not hot, and that’s dirty and you don’t want anything entering the exit only. There’s no girl who would enjoy that. They do it in porn for money.

Autumn turned to the mirror pulled a compact out of her backpack and started touching up her eyeshadow.

“You’re eyes look so amazing,” I told her. Then blurted, “You just do that as a favor for the guys, right?”

“What anal? I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it. Like I said, no pressure.”

That’s gay. Only gay guys like that. She’s… She wasn’t lying. I knew she wasn’t.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

She looked at me, with her newly done eyes, “It’s intense, if that’s what you mean. What do you think Wee David is for?” She handed me the tube of lipstick, “You need a touch up, luv.”

“My mom needed Bruce,” Autumn told me, as I came to the group after Math. Her ass, that Wee David had fucked, looked great in her jeans. Is what I didn’t think. Wait, no. I’m gay. I can think that. Can’t I? In any case I tried to think about it less. Tried not to think about his dick sawing in and out of her asshole. Tried not to think about the way her eyes looked while he did it. Tried not to think about the way she said it was intense, not painful. I haven’t even had regular sex. How much more intense could it be? Just a finger was more painful than I could stand.

I realized I had blanked out, and caught on to what she was saying. “—installing that dumb ass sink today, and can’t fit the fucking thing in her Camry. You wanna take the R line together?” Her mouth, with which she had moaned while taking it said. “Aisling? You in there?”

“Yeah, sorry. Math was really boring. We can take our time getting home, there’s a Cubone that none of the casuals have picked up.”

“Well no Instinct bitch is getting it.”

“Fight me.”

She laughed, I laughed, she had done anal, we said goodbye to the others and walked out the back door.

We had to track through an alleyway to get the Cubone, which Autumn kept pronouncing cub-one. She continued until I threatened to slap her in the face. Then she did it again, and I punched her arm, and she pouted and stopped.

She got the pokemon too. “Now you owe me,” I told her.

“Fingers or tongue?”

Everything! “You start, and I’ll tell you when you can stop.”

She waggled her eyebrows, and we set out for the platform. We talked about pokemon, and then repeated things we had seen on tumblr (which she called and I resolved to call, ‘tungle’). It turned out that she was only in the middle of homestuck, and that she shipped Karkat and John.

“Ew, why?”

“I just like it. Don’t be a homophobe.”

“Okay, I won’t. But why?”

“You don’t like yuri?”

“No, I think it’s kind of gross.”

“Are you sure you’re a girl?”

Nope. Rule no.1. “Last time I checked.”

We walked up the stairs and waited on the platform. “Look, guys like lesbian porn right?”

“So I’ve heard. So does Bree.”

“Bree likes a lot of weird stuff. Here’s the thing though, girls don’t like lesbian porn. I don’t even like lesbian porn, and I was a lesbian.”

“Was?”

“I was more confused than I wanted to admit to myself.” We sat next to each other in the middle of the train. At 3:35 it was barely half occupied. No one was standing and there were still seats available. “I mean, I wasn’t confused until I met the crew, and then seeing what they did… It just kind of unraveled my world, you know? Like the guys are mostly straight, but even them, on occasion. ‘Cept Big Davey.”

Wait was that hot, or…

“Anyway, what I was saying about the porn stuff. See for the most part you and I want a plot with our story. We want to feel the emotions with the characters in our porn. Guys just want to see people fuck. So in yuri there’s a long plot (usually) with a drawn out character arc (usually) at the completion of which the characters (usaully) realize they love each other, and maybe kiss. There’s also lots of hearts drawn on the panel if they have sex.”

Autumn reached down, in a casual motion, to where my hand was resting on my lap, and casually took it in hers, all while she continued talking, “Now what’s the plot of a lesbian porno? Two women meet and fuck. The end.”

My heart was racing as she held my hand, resting in my lap. It was a little uncomfortable, so I move our hands to sit between our knees. I didn’t pull my hand from hers and she gave my hand a little squeeze in affirmation. “You’re saying that homo-porn is made for the opposite gender?”

“I sure find it hot anyway.”

I didn’t know what to think of that, and I continued not to know as the train came up on the Nine Mile station. I did know that I was holding someone’s hand. Someone who had indicated pretty clearly that they wouldn’t mind having sex with me. Someone who was, at this moment, trying to seal the deal. Someone who had indicated this by almost coming out and saying it.

“Hey, listen,” Autumn tapped our hands up and down as she talked, if I didn’t know better I’d say she was nervous. “The contractors are gonna be finishing the cabinets when I get home. It’ll be a lot of noise, and dirt and fucking commotion and stuff.”

Well, are you going to let her close that deal? I didn’t know. Things were moving fast, and it wasn’t even Friday yet. In three weeks I’d worn a skirt, put on makeup, joined a swingers club, become a techie, started at a new school, moved to a new city, and had been abandoned by the only gender I’d ever known. It had been an exhausting month. It might be nice to just go home and decompress. Maybe take a nap.

Instead I put my head on her shoulder, “My mom won’t be home until five thirty at the earliest.”