Secondhand Life - Part 40

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I actually managed to doze before we hit Hawaii. I found myself resisting Dennis' gentle nudge. Then his annoyingly coy whispering – blowing actually – in my ear. I was too sleepy to recognize his playfulness, so at the time it only registered as mild annoyance. I kept trying to flick his face from my ear as he blew into it like a roadie testing a microphone.

“Helooooo. Yoo hoo..... Earth to sleepyhead..... wakey wakey.....” blow blow blow. Nudge nudge nudge. “Rise and shine baby. We're here.” I felt him lean in really close as he whispered “Time to get laid.”

THAT worked. My eyes shot open and I sat bolt upright in my chair as I felt the blush burning in my face, and turned to face Dennis.

He exploded in laughter. “Ohmigod girl! If you could see your face!” He gasped out through his guffaws.

I glanced around the cabin to see everyone gathering their things and taking a moment to look curiously at us. It was obvious they knew Dennis had pranked and startled me, but they seemed not to know or care about the details, and quickly turned back to their gathering.

“What?” I hissed.

Dennis just shot me the most wicked grin.

“Girl I've been nudging and shaking and poking you for over 5 minutes. You did not want to wake up. Now I know all it t....”

“What did you say????” I kind of whispered, kind of hissed. There was more heat in my question than I intended, but Dennis took it in stride.

“I said ...time to get lei-d.” He replied with a goofy grin. He could tell from my bewildered stare that I still didn't get his little joke, which only seemed to delight him more.

“Come on babe”, he said nonchalantly as he handed me my bag and started up the aisle. “Time to get welcomed to Hawaii.”

As it turned out – to Dennis' great disappointment, there was no welcoming committee with flower garlands. Just a bunch of studio suits and their drivers as we debarked at the corporate hanger and boarded the limos to our hotel.

“I thought there were always hot Polynesian hunks and babes to welcome visitors to Hawaii with flower leis.” Dennis whispered as we rode to our hotel. He seemed a little upset.

“Someone has been watching too many movies.” Mikey grinned at him.

“Maybe they do that for the tourists.... or at least with package tours?” I offered. “We traveled for business on a chartered jet. We didn't get lei-d. We just got suited.” I grinned.

He sagged a little. And I brightened.

“Well, if they thought we were lawyers, maybe we could get courted if not outright lei-d.” I grinned.

Dennis groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Look if it means that much to you, I'll have the driver stop on the way to the hotel so you can go and get lei-d.”

His grin was back and I could tell he was finally getting tired of this joke.

“Thanks for the offer, but I don't need your help.” He smirked.

“No, really.” Mikey interjected. “After what she did to Eoin in Atlanta, I'm sure she could....”

..and I slapped my hand over his mouth. It was meant as a comical gesture and he seemed to realize that. It had the desired effect. Dennis laughed.

“Oh my God. I totally forgot about that!” Dennis drew himself back in mock offense. “What horrible things do you have planned for that poor boy on this leg of the tour? Are you going to sacrifice him to a volcano god? Take him to a Thai brothel? Make him wrestle a Sumo on a Japanese gameshow?” he smirked at me with one raised eyebrow.

“All good ideas.” I grinned. “Some of which I hadn't even thought of... Michael, are you getting this down?”

Mikey beamed at me, nodding and tapping his finger to his temple indicating that he was taking mental notes.

“Of course, I'll make sure you get all the credit.” I deadpanned to Dennis. “I believe in creative attribution.” I couldn't completely hold back my smile, which cracked through my stoneface.

“Oh, no no no no no you don't” Dennis laughed. “Katherine is a force of nature..”

“Hurricane Katherine” I interrupted, nodding.

“...but the rest of us mortals need to behave ourselves. We can't go getting our fingerprints on anything! We have to work in this town!” he laughed.

“Okay, okay” I held up my hands in mock surrender. “You can keep your burglar gloves on. No prints. ….Still..... Do you think we could arrange for someone to be waiting in Eoin's hotel room when he arrives, to make sure he knows Katherine paid out of her own pocket to make sure that HE got lei-d?”

Dennis shot me a conspiratorial smirk as Mikey handed him the phone.

Dennis quickly arranged for Eoin's awkward welcome, the contacts he had been talking with about getting work for Katherine and Matt had recommended a local girl who had modeled for them before. Like many starving artists, she modeled, busked with her boyfriend, acted where she could and even took the occasional gig as tour guide, so they were sure she would be game for the gig.

….Once we convinced her that she wasn't the one being pranked.

It took a three way call with Dennis' friends Andy and Rei, who she knew, as well as Dennis and eventually me. She refused to believe she wasn't being set up and demanded to talk with Katherine. I don't think she actually expected it to happen. Certainly not for Dennis to simply hand me the phone.

“Hi!” I turned to Dennis with a slightly lost look on my face and that wavelength thing worked again, just as I had hoped. He mouthed her name, “Mae, is it?”

“Uhhh. Uh huh.” She replied, somewhat stunned.

“Katherine.” I chirped cheerily. “Katherine Keller.”

Long pause and the sound of breathing into her phone. I figured she wasn't sure how to react and was frantically sorting out what to do next. She obviously never imagined I'd be sitting right next to Dennis as he tried to recruit her for this prank, or that he'd simply hand me the phone. Time to put her out of her misery.

“I really hope you can help us out with this little joke. Sorry for the short notice, but it just came to us as we got off the plane. You see we're in Hawaii as part....”

“Uhhh.... I know. I saw online. The first stop on your...uh...” then she laughed. “Oh, GOD. I don't have to tell YOU! You're doing it.... umm, yeah. I know....” she said, beginning to get flustered again.

“Well, what you may not know is that on our previous tours, this ….sort of ...ritual.... has grown between Eoin McClure and....”

And she exploded in a laugh.

“Oh, GOD! How could I NOT know!??? Even my great grandma knows... and she doesn't even know what year it is!” She fought to regain her composure. I could picture her blushing furiously at the thought of laughing in Katherine Keller's face.

“OK. Good.... so, we'd like your help with this. As I said, sorry about the short notice, but we just thought of it as we got off the plane and we're putting it together in the car to the hotel. It's simple enough. I'm assured we have enough time to pull this off.” I looked to Dennis and he nodded with a grin.

“Uhhh... sure. I'm in. You're really just pulling this all out of....”

“...thin air.” I quickly completed her sentence, having this sudden hunch she was about to go anatomical. “Yes. One or two elaborate things require planning, but usually, an opportunity just presents itself. When we got off the plane at the executive hangar, someone aboard...” I shot Dennis a look and was rewarded with a shy blush “..expressed disappointment that we didn't get the stereotypical tourist greeting... SO... we began thinking that at least Eoin should get a welcome.... a seemingly private and overly awkward welcome... in his hotel room. While his costar, pal and sometime partner in ...extracurricular activities....” I shot Dennis and Mikey a grin which they returned, pleased that I was being appropriately vague. “...well, Katherine with a press crew in tow would go to fetch her leading man for an impromptu moment with local media... only to find Eoin awkwardly fending off this eager local...”

“Me.”

“Uh huh.” I giggled. “...there to make sure he gets his welcoming lei... Which he'll completely misunderstand.”

“Uh... what makes you sure he'd be awkwardly fending me off? Especially if he thinks it's a ...private... welcome.” She asked worriedly.

“Trust me, sweetie. I'm certain. He's been pranked enough that he'll suspect that he's being set up for something, but we'll pull it off before he figures out how. He will act as if he's on hidden camera. He will be the model of propriety and restraint, which is why you will have to work extra hard to make it look embarrassing when we bust in. It will be totally safe. He will try to run away from you.”

I let her think for a moment, then went in for the close.

“Of course afterward I will own up to the prank and how I talked the local girl into it. And you can now put playing a scene with Eoin McClure and working with Katherine Keller on your resume. ….BUT... if you don't trust me, can you maybe recommend someone else? We're really short on time.”

I could hear the resolve in her voice and pictured her head nod “I'm in. What do you need me to do?”

I handed the phone back to Dennis and he quickly went over the ruse, told her who to ask for at the hotel to be let into Eoin's room before he arrived and walked her through the gist of what we had in mind. She seemed confident she could improvise the scene. We told her what time we would barge in with the press and she hung up to fetch her props and go to the hotel.

Dennis continued working the phone on our ride to the hotel.

“This would be so much easier if I could just call...” he muttered to himself while he stabbed away at his phone.

I shot him a glance. I'd been wondering the same thing myself. He caught my glance and quickly darted his eyes to Matt. Ah. He didn't want to be obvious that we were trying to round up some work for him.... I mean some shoots for me.

I flashed Dennis a grateful smile and he nodded. We were both on the same team here. After Matt's help finding Katherine, I knew Dennis would have done anything he could for Matt even if I hadn't asked.

Mikey was busy staring out the window acting like our as-seen-on-TV-tourguide.... pointing out filming locations. “Ohmigod! That's where they shot that Magnum P.I. Where Higgins....”

“Went to Hawaii?” I asked innocently.

Mikey shot me a glare of scorn and disbelief. “They were ALL shot in Hawaii!” His voice dripped contempt.

“Oh.... MAGNUM P.I.” I said stonefaced.

Dennis snorked and you could almost see the cartoon bulb light over Mikey's head when he realized I'd been messing with him. He blushed. Shot me a dismissive scowl and went back to calling out landmarks. I caught Matt's crinkled eyes and knew he was wondering if this was our normal interplay. I think he knew from my tiny smile the answer to that unspoken question.

So our ride to the hotel was filled with the quiet sound of Dennis tapping on his phone, Matt fiddling with his camera, Mikey calling out random names for no apparent reason, and my continued chuckling as he did so.

“Hawaii 5-0!” He'd exclaim and point.

“Original or reboot?” I'd quietly egg him on.

“New one” he'd nod. “I don't think that building was there in the 1970s, so maybe they shot the original at whatever was there before. ….Ooh ooh! Brady Bunch Hawaii special!” he exclaimed, nearly bursting with excitement.

“Calm down Arnold.” I teased.

“Arnold?” Matt raised an eyebrow while Dennis laughed to himself, still working his phone.

“Horshack” Mikey glowered. “Very funny cuz.”

I smirked.

“Cuz?” Matt asked.

Oh crap. I saw Mikey go red as we both realized we were getting maybe too relaxed around Matt.

“I can't get used to that Australian slang either” I said, trying to sound casual. “Still, I'm trying to.” I glanced at Mikey's wide eyes, knowing he'd stepped in it too and hoping I could make it go away quickly. Matt knew I was a Katherine Keller ringer, but not much beyond that. He certainly didn't know I was Australian or my relation with Mikey.

I laughed. “Still, it's better than 'Ooh – ooh'!” I croaked out, mocking Mikey's earlier outburst.

He mock scowled at me as Matt laughed. I could see the relief in his eyes that Matt had already put it behind him as just so much more of our weird familiar banter.

“Any more famous landmarks?” I asked hoping to get back to our earlier trivial banter.

Mikey nodded to me, glad to be back to our earlier routine. “Uh. I think that was in 50 First Dates.”

“Think? Wiki-boy?”

He held up a finger. Uh oh. Here it comes. “You know Wiki is a Hawaiian word. It means....”

“Macht Schnell” I derailed him. His face fell and he mock glared at me.

“Showoff” he muttered, and returned his gaze out the car window.

Then I heard the click.

I turned to see Matt, camera up, and a silly grin on his face.

“Sorry” he said, not sorry at all. “I was just watching this back and forth and thinking how great it was and suddenly I realized I had this in my hand and you so distracted me I completely forgot.” He flashed a sheepish smile. “I hope you don't mind.”

“Depends” I mock scowled. “We're not going to see these in some tawdry tabloid or anything.”

Matt grinned. “Not unless one of you decides to moon someone. Both of you would be better.”

Mikey shot me a devilish grin.

“In your dreams ...CUZ...” I said the last very affectedly as if I were trying to use 'his slang' to mimic him. I think Matt bought it and Mikey picked up exactly what I was doing and why, but still smiled at the double meaning.

“There are better ways to become famous. Trust me.” I smiled. He grinned, nodded and returned to looking out the window.

“So, why the candid photos?” I inquired. I was trying to be curious and not defensive.

“You don't mind, do you?” Matt asked.

I just gave him an unblinking Katherine stare. I wanted an answer, not another question. Eventually he buckled.

“I just.....” He looked at me, and I felt like I was under a microscope. It was a very intense gaze. “I know we're here for a few days, and then you're moving on, and I'm going back.... and thanks again for giving me a place to crash until I can get back to school....”

I dismissed it with a casual shrug.

“....I was just thinking about that day we met in the park...” he continued, gathering his thoughts as he went. A stupid grin broke out on his face. “...and how you ambushed me at school... and all the other stuff... and yeah, I got some great shots, but it was all work..... to sell.... and I thought after we split up here... well.... what are the odds we'll ever cross paths again?”

“Stranger things have happened” I replied in Katherine's monotone, surprising even myself.

Matt laughed. “Yeah. And I've been witness to a lot of them....” Then he got somber again. “But I feel like I've been on this crazy winning streak and I need to know when to fold and walk away.... so...” He waggled his camera in his hand. “so this... these.... are just for me.... kind of a souvenir....” and he looked up at me sheepishly as if finally seeking permission.

“All you had to say was 'For me' y'know” I smiled. “But the rest was nice too.” I gestured in a 'go ahead' motion, and Matt raised his camera again.

“You guys don't mind, do you?” I asked Dennis and Mikey, suddenly realizing it wasn't my sole permission to give.

Dennis smiled to Matt. Mikey looked a bit perturbed.

“Just your personal stuff? No chance to get in a tabloid or scandalous website?” he challenged Matt, who smiled and shook his head 'no' with an apologetic shrug.

“Relax wonderboy” I laughed. “You're just breaking into the biz. You'll have plenty of opportunity to humiliate yourself in the press.”

This snarky rebuke actually seemed to mollify Mikey, who flashed me a grateful smile and returned to his sightseeing.

“So what's the grand plan minion o' mine?” I playfully teased Dennis. He broke off staring at his phone to glance at me.

“Ummm.... settle into your suite at the hotel.... publicly humiliate Eoin....” he flashed a devilish grin “... decompress and unwind for a few hours... then suck up to suits.”

I raised an eyebrow. This was the first I heard about sucking up to anyone.

“Suits? …..What suits?”

“Corporate suits. It's their annual executive retreat. VPs & division heads from all over the world converge for twice yearly management retreats. This time it's 12 days in Hawaii. And....what do you know... the cast and producers of their biggest property this calendar year just happen to be stopping off for a few days as the start of their Asia tour.”

“What a convenient coincidence!” I smiled. Dennis squelched his laugh. “So. About this ….sucking up....”

Dennis glanced at me, his mouth quirking up into a smirk.

“Whom exactly.... are we....” I looked him in the eye “....upsucking?”

He bit his lip shut and I thought his head might explode from the suppressed laugh.

“Who?” I held up a finger “How hard?” a second finger went up “...and how high?” third finger.

Dennis finally allowed himself a laugh. “God girl.... you make it sound so sordid!” He calmed himself. “It's just business as usual. Politics. 'Oh, Mr Vice President... what an impressive division you have!' 'Oh Madame division head... I've never seen such a portfolio.... how do you keep it so vibrant and diversified?'....” He said all this in a breathy Marilyn Monroe delivery.

I could only roll my eyes. “Seriously?” I smiled.

“Essentially.” he grinned. “Not quite that over the top... but yeah... essentially.”

I winced at the thought.

Dennis let out a snort. “Of course that's for most people. Eoin, Cyril, Colleen and Dez will be troweling it on thick. Of course with Katherine, the bar's a bit ...lower” He grinned. “People will consider it a success if you don't knee anyone in the groin or break a bottle over anyone's head.” He grinned at me wickedly.

“Did that ever actually happen???” Mikey exclaimed and quickly buried his head in his iPad, no doubt trying to look it up.

“If any of that happens, I want to be there!” Matt said excitedly.

“YOU....” I held a scolding finger up to Matt. “...are NOT invited!” My stern look crumbled as I turned to Dennis “.....is he?”

Dennis shook his head, smiling. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Matt slump.

“....could he be?....” I said meekly, my finger tracing a curlicue pattern on Dennis' forearm.

A smile broke out on Dennis' face. “I'm sure as part of Katherine's entourage, if he were to accompany you....”

“....US...” I said shifting my eyes from Dennis to Mikey with a nod.

Dennis sighed. This was obviously a variation from the standard Katherine playbook, but then again, we had been rewriting and appending the Katherine playbook for months.... and he made no secret of the fun he and Michael had that night we crashed the swank restaurant and karaoke club. He just smiled and nodded. “Katherine's entourage continues to grow....” he sighed with a smile.

“Just call me the Ponzi of PR” I airily said with a dismissive handwave.

Dennis and Matt both smiled. Mikey remained buried in his iPad, no doubt still searching for an image or better yet animated GIF of Katherine crowning a business executive with a liquor bottle.

***

We dropped our bags in our suite and went to round up the mob to storm Eoin's room. Mikey had the brainstorm to use my 'official' twitter account to tweet our hotel and Eoin's room number and 'bring your camera & flash' with the hashtag #P-Eoin-ed;-)

We were in the lobby a few minutes later, as random people were starting to drift in looking a bit confused and with an expression that belied their suspicion that they had been the ones punked.

When we stepped out of the lift.... OK, when I stepped out of the lift, the mob of people turned to me and grinned. I just put up a hand, which instantly quieted them down... (I must not let Katherine's seeming power go to my head!) and I pointed to Mikey, who gestured for them to gather in a circle as he explained the prank.

“Is the girl there?” I whispered to Dennis.

He nodded. “She texted me a few minutes ago. They snuck her in as planned.”

“...and Eoin?...” I shot him a glance. Dennis smiled.

“Any minute now.”

“How long do you think we can leave her before barging in? I kind of want it to get as awkward as possible, but not pass our peak awkward moment.”

Dennis smiled. “Andy and Rei have nothing but glowing things to say about this girl. She did improv for years during and after art school. She can keep the discomfort up until we barge in.”

I returned his smile. “I'm counting on it.”

Mikey gathered the twitter flash-mob while Matt wrangled some members of the local press. He explained to them that it was a setup, but it would still make for saleable photos to the tabloids, even if... no, especially if... the ambush was explained as the sordid joke between cast members that it was.

Dennis shouted “He's coming!”

Mikey, Matt and I all waved our flashmob into the lounge off the lobby. I could hear the shutter sounds of a horde of smartphones and DSLRs as Eoin checked in at the front desk and collected his room key. I scowled slightly, wondering why anyone would choose an MP3 of a noisy mechanical camera from the past over the virtually silent tool the new tech offered them.

I bought a round of drinks for our 'mob of angry villagers' and put it on Katherine's HauteShot corporate card – hoping I could convince the powers that be that it was a 'promotional expense'.

I watched Eoin check in and head to his room. Moments later I beckoned to our mob to head for the lifts.

***

It couldn't have been 5 minutes since Eoin arrived at his room. As we walked down the hallway we could already hear his alarmed short shrieks. I turned back to Matt & our flashmob with a wicked grin and put my finger to my lips in a shushing gesture. That quelled the group and I made exaggerated tip-toeing motions as we all quietly reached Eoin's door.

The sudden loud pounding of my insistent fist against the door made our crowd startle slightly. I just turned to them with a wicked grin and put my finger back to my lips.

The loud panicked yelps from inside abruptly stopped moments after my pounding began. There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Our group stared at me expectantly, but I just held my fist up in a paused knock, inches from the door. I really enjoyed these Keller pauses... seeing how long I could hold things until the awkward discomfort got too much and someone felt the need to break the silence, and breaking it myself just as someone else was about to do so.

“Eoin? …..Baby, it's me.... What the hell is going ON in there?” I shouted through the door.

There was another long silence then the sound of a large thud and what might have been breaking glass. The sounds of scrambling and another panicked yelp. I tried to imagine what the girl could possibly be doing, and grinned to myself at the thought that we would all find out soon enough.
I pounded even harder. “Eoin!”

More alarming sounds from inside.

I grinned at our group, then turned back to the door and got back into character. POUND POUND POUND. “Eoin!!! Open this door!”
Finally I heard fumbling behind the door. Eoin's muffled voice hissed 'STOP it!'

The door flew open.

Well, it flew open an inch and quickly caught on the security door hasp. Through the crack Eoin barked “I said, stop it!”.
The door closed again and I heard Eoin release the security hasp. I turned quickly to the mob behind me, pleased to see cameras and phones poised and ready.

Finally the door opened fully and I was greeted by a beet red Eoin in Jeans and an unbuttoned shirt torn half off.
The sudden cacophony of shutter sounds and explosion of flashes startled and further disoriented Eoin. Meanwhile, I just stood there, arms crossed and an extremely pissed off look on my face.

As Eoin rubbed his eyes and struggled to regain his bearings, I pounced.

“What the HELL is going on here? I thought we were meeting local media and fans in the lobby, but you never showed, so I came up here to find out why.” I angrily cocked my thumb over my shoulder at the agitated mob. “And they followed me”.

While Eoin stood stunned in the doorway, a pair of slender arms appeared from behind him, raising over his shoulders and looping a flower garland around his neck from behind.

He ducked out of it before she rested it on his shoulders with a blindingly fast ninja move and spun around, his back to us, hissing “STOP it!”
Finally we got a glimpse of the slight young woman in the sarong, striking in a wholesome 'girl next door' way, pouting at Eoin and looking disappointed and frustrated. She glanced at the crowd and gasped. I slipped her a pencil thin smile and caught the acknowledgment in her eyes.

This was going exactly as hoped.

“Oh no!” she gasped, looking at Eoin with the annoyance one might give a petulant child.

“Now you've done it! You were supposed to get lei-d before you met your fans and paparazzi ….but NOOOO.... You had to get all 'difficult diva' on me!” she nearly spat at Eoin. Then she shot me an uncertain glance, like 'too much?'

I gave my head the tiniest shake, but she caught it and relaxed. I stormed up to Eoin and yanked the garland from the girl. “Oh, just let ME do it!” I sighed with melodramatic annoyance and I violently planted the lei over Eoin's head like I was conking him with a tray in a bar fight '….or a liquor bottle' I thought with a mental smirk.

Eoin winced at my aggressive gesture, then blushed, since it was just a soft flower garland. I then turned to the girl. The shutter sound behind me had stopped. I presumed by now everyone had their phones in video mode.

The girl gave me a mortified look. “I'm SO sorry Ms Keller!”

“What part of 'get him lei-d and to the lobby to meet the press' did you not understand?” I said icily.

She played contrite and grovelling really well. “I know. I KNOW!.... I kept trying to tell him there was a crowd of fans in the lobby, and I just had to get him properly lei-d before meeting the celebrity press. But he just kept running away like I was some kind of vampire!”

I shot Eoin a perturbed look. “Seriously? What the hell?” He turned crimson. “You run from this girl like a panicked ferret? For a moment I thought you had some flower allergy or something.... but you have no trouble letting me lei you.... hard.”

I saw the lightbulb go off over Eoin's head. He turned bright crimson and looked down at his lei, pulling it out with his hand and running his fingers over it.

“Sorry.” he said with an apologetic smirk. “I guess I need to bone up on local customs.”

“Later.” I snapped. “We're on a tight schedule, and I don't have time to traipse all over the hotel just to get you properly lei-d”

“Was that proper?” Eoin smirked with raised eyebrow. “Seemed kind of ...rough.”

“You didn't seem to mind.” I shot back with a pencil thin grin. Then I sighed heavily. “All right.... “ and I yanked the garland from his neck and handed it back to the girl. I then turned to the crowd, who still had all their phones and cameras up. I handed it back to the girl. “Let the professional show us how it's done.”

Mae was great and went into perky tour guide mode, explaining the tradition of the Lei greeting to the crowd of cameras. I just stood there, arms crossed, in 'strict schoolteacher' mode, and Eoin stood in awkward demonstration assistant mode. It was perfect. Mae got a round of applause from the crowd, and I stepped in, nearly interviewing her. I asked her name and background. She mentioned her work as hostess with the tour company, and I made sure she gave everyone her public contact info. Then I turned to the cameras. “If any of you want to see Hawaii with the woman who lei-d Eoin McClure”.

Mae beamed. Eoin blushed and shrank down slightly. I raised a finger in afterthought and brought it to run under Eoin's garland. “Well, at least ONE of them.” I said deadpan to the crowd.

It was clear our impromptu 'fan/press event' was concluded. And for those who didn't get the hint, I made a dramatic gesture of looking at my watch and scowling at Eoin. “We're late.” I then turned to the stragglers. “Sorry. Gotta go..... showbiz stuff.”

The crowd chuckled but finally dispersed. I took the liberty of walking into Eoin's room. Mae followed. Finally Eoin realized he was entertaining company whether he wanted or not, closed the door and joined us.

“So was this all your idea?” Eoin asked me motioning to Mae, who sat there smirking. She seemed a bit overwhelmed to be sitting alone with the two of us, but also riding an adrenaline high in the afterglow of a successful improv.

“What makes you say that?” I asked in Katherine's deadpan. The girl stifled a snort.

“Oh, please!” Eoin rolled his eyes. “Even the girl knows your stunts!”

“My great grandma even knows. I can't wait til she sees this!”

“Shouldn't take long.” I said, poking at my iPhone. Eoin continued to stare at me. I wasn't sure if he was annoyed. I just looked back at him, hands in my lap. “Look, We could do the standard 'meet the local press' thing, one on one, 5 minute conclaves in a room or comic-con style, side by side at a table in a hall. Might get a few lines of print or maybe a couple seconds of video under a bland voiceover as filler on the local news.
I found what I had been seeking and held up my phone. “Or THIS.”

The animated GIF of me clobbering a wincing Eoin with the Lei while Mae looked on with an evil smirk looped on my phonescreen.

Eoin sighed. Mae giggled.

“....and so it begins.” Eoin muttered. Still, I could hear the smile in his voice.

“As if it ever stopped....” I said airily, to Eoin's snort and Mae's giggle.

We both posed for a few selfies with Mae, and I paid her in cash from my purse. I felt this was somehow 'dirty' and expressed my misgivings to Dennis, but he said she'd probably be thrilled to get the cash immediately after the gig. So I shoved my sordid thoughts aside and handed her the envelope with a handwritten 'thank you'. She gave me a warm hug and thanked ME for the gig. I smiled and admitted that it was a great gig for both of us, and she put on the hoodie jeans and flip flops from her gym bag, slipped out and headed home.
I got up to go too. Reminding Eoin that we had to get ready to meet the suits. He rolled his eyes. He didn't need to be reminded and he was looking forward to it as much as I was.

“Is there anyone who actually enjoys these things?” I asked.

Eoin smiled. “Of course. The executives. They get out of their offices and powerpoint meetings and get to dine and drink and hobnob...with us!” He said with a flamboyant arm wave and a laugh.

“At least with my dentist and gyno and tax guy, I get the feeling we'd both rather be somewhere else so there's this grim camaraderie of 'lets get through this'. I know they won't prolong the experience any longer than necessary.” I smiled sardonically.
Eoin chuckled. “You know the drill. Keep moving. Maximize selfies, minimize talk. Run the maze and get it over with. It always feels longer than it is, but before you know it we'll be back in our rooms.”

“...raiding the mini-bar.” I laughed. He nodded. “Well, I have to go back to my room and get ready.” I smiled.
Eoin paused and gave me a look. “You.... aren't planning anything for the corporate meet and greet?” he said uncertainly.
I shook my head. “No. No plans. I'm exhausted from setting this up.” I smiled. “A girl's gotta pace herself” I grinned. He relaxed. And I found myself bothered that he relaxed.

“.....but if an opportunity presents itself for a little off the cuff inspiration....” I said with a tiny grin and slightly quirked brow.
Eoin tensed again.

'Better.' I thought to myself, and satisfied, breezed out of his room.

***

We actually had a few hours before 'the Suit Sucking' as I began calling it to Dennis' growing annoyance. We rounded up Matt and Mikey and went to meet Dennis' contacts Andy, Rei and Jamal.

It looked like an abandoned industrial building. It seemed so out of place here in paradise. It's as if someone transplanted it from the Meat Packing district in Manhattan or that seedy industrial part of L.A. where the secret Karaoke club was. I then reminded myself that the nondescript seediness on the outside of those places camouflaged the opulence inside. I'm sure that was the case here too.

Not so much.

It was clean, but cluttered. Like the world's largest dorm room, but when Dennis introduced me to 'the textile turks' it all became clear. Andy Rei and Jamal were all under 30. Well under 30. None of them looked old enough to drink, but looking at the diplomas they had tacked on the wall, I presumed they were all older than they looked. That or they were all Doogie Howser precocious and finished grad school before they even hit puberty.

The truth was somewhere in the middle. Yes, they all skipped many grades on their trek to success. Well, their trek to their Masters degrees. Success was still proving elusive.

We all sat around the MacGuyvered conference table, which looked like the weathered deck of an expensive sailboat. Which in fact it was. Andy explained that as a start-up, they didn't have the money for office furnishing, so they decided to repurpose found items into distinctive design pieces. The large conference table made from the wreck of the old sailboat was one of their favorite examples of this iconic aesthetic.
I had to nod. These kids were imaginative and resourceful. No real surprise. Andy and Rei Ng were siblings, and the kind of overachievers that earns them enemies, even in the elite private schools they attended most of their lives. They were scholarship kids, so scary smart that organizations were fighting over who got 'sponsorship' (bragging) rights. Andy went to Parsons, where he quickly became legendary. His sister Rei went to MIT as a computer science and chemistry double major, but quickly discovered and became obsessed with Dava Newman's textile research group designing a next gen spacesuit for NASA. Rei barnacled herself to the group and quickly proved to have interesting insights and unorthodox, but intriguing approaches to problems they were tackling. They adopted her like a neighbor child who shows up at the dinner table daily, but is entertaining and welcome company.

Eventually Rei decided designing spacesuits was not her passion, but she had absorbed enough from the group that her imagination took her in different directions. She corresponded with Andy on the idea of taking tech and fashion and fusing them into new lines of clothing. Namely, she wanted to get Andy to help her take her astronaut biosuit study and repurpose it to a terrestrial garment inspired by the Fremen stillsuits from Frank Herbert's Dune.

That quickly drew the attention of DARPA, who funneled research money into development of a desert uniform that was combination life-support suit, high tech sensor and communication device using piezoelectric and thermal sinks to generate power for it's myriad embedded sensor, communication and biomechanical assistance tech. It was a second skin that would allow the soldier of the future to survive the harshest environments, sense those environments in infrared and uv bands, receive direct telemetry and interact with command and control stations, have the strength of a physically superior species. Actually, many of the design ideas were inspired by many members of the insect and reptile world. They achieved astounding success compared to earlier efforts, but the breaking point of the project, was the chameleon.

Dissatisfied with the enhanced survival capabilities, advanced surveillance abilities, biomechanical enhancements and ability to power and even charge 'telebionics' from the kinetic and thermal energy of the wearer, the pentagon wanted enhanced camouflage capability. They wanted invisibility 'like Harry Potter or Star Trek'. Rei and Andy were beside themselves. They had given the pentagon a suit that drastically advanced the state of the art, and the pentagon could only whine that it wasn't invisible ….like in popular fiction.
Andy and Rei got an extension to their contract and tried to tackle 'the invisibility issue' although they both believed it was decades or centuries beyond the current state of the art.

Much to their own surprise, they did come up with something. It was a prismatic microfiber that scattered electromagnetic energy in a wide spectral band, from deep infrared to near x-ray frequencies. The result, as they described it, was like a 'heat mirage' a wavering ….something... that didn't seem to exist in any specific space. They pitched it to the pentagon as extremely advanced camouflage, since it was impossible to 'get a fix' on a subject using laser sighting, rf or heat seeking technologies. Yes, the soldier would be visible, but they would be ghostlike and impossible to target.

The pentagon wanted invisibility. This was not invisibility. Their contract was canceled. Much of their research was classified, and they were cut loose.

While their 'stillsuit' tech was owned by their former government employers and so highly classified that they would likely spend the rest of their lives in prison if they so much as tried to market a better hunting jacket or gear for mountaineers, the 'stealth' technology still belonged to them, since the Pentagon considered it a failure and had no interest in it.

So they repurposed their prismatic microfiber into a new fabric that was beyond slimming, beyond mesmerizing. It allowed the wearer to be the focus of all attention, and still captivate people who could not process what they were seeing no matter how long or how intently they stared.
Jamal was a friend of Rei's. An MBA student at Harvard. They had met at some party or bar in Cambridge, and it was never clear whether there was something between them at one time, but now their relationship was unmistakably platonic, and strictly business. Rei knew if they wanted to start in the 'rag trade' they would need Andy's design talents, her textile and chemical engineering skills, but they would also need business acumen, to set up and maintain the infrastructure of their creative business, so she brought in her old friend Jamal.

They had some limited test runs of fabrics, and Andy was designing outfits from weather resistant trenchcoats to swimwear with some startling properties 'borrowed' from various aquatic species. It was still very early times, and this meeting with Katherine might be somewhat premature, but still too big an opportunity to pass on.

Rei showed me some prototype fabric swatches, and Andy presented some drawings of designs he had for the fabrics. Dennis and I put our heads together and picked a variety of designs in an assortment of 'beta-fabrics'... the textile samples Rei had that would soon be turned into clothing for the Katherine Keller photoshoot that introduced @reaLI designs to the world.

I was initially confused about their company name, and said as much to Rei and Jamal. I caught their mutual smirk, and think they were getting ready to let me in on their little joke when I blurted “Oh! Roman numerals! Wicked!” Shooting them a devilish grin.

They seemed nonplussed. They were used to explaining their little joke to people. I got the feeling that no one previously figured it out for themselves.

“Perhaps you should put some big almond pupils under the logo... in almost the same color as the background, so the effect is nearly subliminal” I suggested.

They looked at each other and nodded.

“That would be very cool.” Jamal said.

“Extremely cool.” Rei nodded.

“You don't.... I mean it's your idea.... your design.... you probably expect to be compensated for the design consult and collaboration.”

“I think that would be somewhat redundant.” I grinned. “Since Hauteshot will already have a substantial stake in the company.”

That was one of the many miracles Dennis was working on his phone on the flight to Hawaii and our ride to the hotel. Andy Rei and Jamal had a revolutionary product and company, but they were still the most nascent of cash-strapped startups. Until Haute shot became an angel investor, purchasing 49% of the company from its founders for a considerable infusion of capital.

They now had the means to design, manufacture and market their revolutionary new products, including a head-turning introductory ad campaign featuring legendary supermodel (and angel investor) Katherine Keller, and shot by her personal photographer. The guy in the crutches.

They took me to a room that reminded me of Jared Kaltmarsh's 'mad science lab'. There was a lot of green screen and some cameras on tripods. I wasn't sure what a fashion startup was doing with a DIY holodeck.

Rei asked me to strip down to undies as Andy and Jamal politely left the room.

“Don't leave because of me” I hollered after them. “Shy model is an oxymoron!” I laughed.

They came back blushing and conspicuously holding eye contact. These guys were so sweet, struggling to be so well behaved. I found it funny and cute. Rei stuck a little strip of label paper next to my belly button that looked to have QR codes and various geometric patterns on it.

“That's the anchor key.” she explained. “How we calibrate measurements.” She walked me, in bra and panties, over to a circular plate. When I stood on it, I realized it was a turntable, like a lazy susan. She pulled up my hair and clipped it into a bun. I presumed it was to get a better look at my neck. She walked back to a laptop wired to a camera on a tripod and fiddled with it for a bit. She then came back to me and moved me on the turntable, rotating me about 15 degrees at a time, until she finally rotated me completely around. It took about three minutes. She then touched my elbow and escorted me back to the desk with the laptop while I re-dressed.

I saw my photo with measurements superimposed. This app was really cool. By dragging the pointer between any two points, it generated a measurement figure. This didn't just measure waist, hips, inseam.... it could plot the slope of the waist, the curve of the hip, the roundness of the thigh millimeter by millimeter... it looked like the first step in the future of custom-tailoring.

Rei smiled as she watched me watch her.

“I kinda... borrowed... code from JPL.” she grinned. “It was used for orbital cartography, but I figured the principle was …..portable. So I ported it to this.” The pride showed on her face.

“And I helped Andy design the machine assist custom pattern process. He designs it, the AI morphs it to the ….um... model...” the many meanings of that term seemed to just hit her “and once the fit is perfect, the machines cut the pattern and handle a lot of the rough assembly.”
I smiled. “How very Star Trek... 'computer, 21st century fashion' ...and bam!”

“Well, not quite 'Bam'...” Rei grinned. “But we can go from sketch to garment in hours where it used to take days.”

Andy then sidled in, holding up his iPad. “We had a few preliminary ideas, and wanted your feedback.”

“No one ever asks the model for her opinion.” I pointed out.

Andy shrugged it off while Rei and Jamal just laughed.

“We're not asking you as a model. We're asking you as a major investor and business partner.” Jamal smiled.

“Oh. In that case then....” I grabbed Andy's iPad and started scrolling through sketches. “That one's really hot. Do you think you could talk your model into wearing something that bold and outrageous?” I asked the trio.

They grinned wickedly and I sensed this could be the start of another lucrative relationship for Katherine and her company.

We brainstormed a few more ideas and said goodbye while they went to fire up the fab process and Dennis and I headed back for the suitsuck.
On the ride back I had to grill Dennis.

“Katherine's company bought a chunk of their design startup?”

Dennis nodded.

“Ohmigod! Who approved that? Oh, God.... someone gave permission, right?”

Dennis smiled. “What? You think I spent the entire flight playing words with friends with Andy and Rei? Yeah. Katherine was an easy sell. You should see some of the things she's invested in in the past.” he laughed. “But I hardly ever approach her about business. So when I do, she listens. And so far, it has always worked out. I knew Andy from in the day when he was at Parsons. We met during fashion week and clicked. We stayed in touch, so when we were jetting to Hawaii and you mentioned lining up some shoots, it all came together.”

“What on earth are they doing in Hawaii?” That still made no sense to me and seemed awfully convenient.

“Well, if you were starting a company that was pretty much self contained, required little outside infrastructure, and planned to target western and Asian markets, would you stay in the frigid northeast or move to the most temperate state in the union?” He grinned.

“Point taken.” I smiled.

We called Matt on the ride back from the hotel.

“How is your schedule for tomorrow?” I asked.

“Ummm... I was just going to hang out.... with Nancy.”

“Nutty Nancy?” I mock gasped. “You have a date with Nutty Nancy???”

Matt sighed heavily, but there was a chuckle under there. “Be NICE!”

I pretend-grumbled down the phone.

Matt continued “It's not a date. It's just.... you all have stuff to do, but Nancy and I are both kind of... tagging along. I'm OK on my own, but I have my doubts about her. So I figured if we hung out together, maybe I could make some more progress....”

“Shelling the nut?” I teased.

“STOP that!” Matt laughed. “God, you can be so mean!”

“You're not exactly the first person to say this about Katherine Keller.” I said in a 'Duh!' tone of voice.

Matt was still chuckling. “No wonder you're so good at it.”

I knew what he meant, and felt a small sense of relief that Matt had not lost sight of the fact that I was indeed a ringer, but resolved that we should fully commit to the ruse that I was Katherine, even in seemingly private conversations.

“Retake.” I sighed heavily. “...so... you plan on spending tomorrow with Nancy... talking her out of her rabbit hole... and gently unwinding the crazy.”
Matt laughed. “Alright... that was slightly better... but still not very compassionate. ”

“Dammit. I'm a celebrity, not a samaritan!” I grumbled. THAT brought the laugh.

“Yeah, yeah yeah.... Well, I figured maybe we could see some sights...neither of us have ever been to Hawaii.... and through it all, we'll just be ….chatting.”

“A clever plan doctor Cutler.” I laughed. “So, it's more about spending time with Nancy than it is about going anyplace or doing anything in particular.”

“Pretty much.” Matt conceded. “Why? What do you have in mind? ….your devious little mind?”

I laughed. “Nothing. Well.... nothing devious. I got a work offer. A shoot. A model shoot. But we need a photographer.”

“I thought Katherine didn't do model shoots anymore.” Matt sounded skeptical.

“She hasn't sworn off them...” my voice trailed off recalling that horrible Rado Mitruscek gig. I quickly refocused. “...she just has a lot of other things going on, so model shoots are rare.”

Matt harumphed. He seemed a bit miffed that I made a persuasive argument.

“And because they ARE so rare, they pay really really well.”

“Makes sense.” I could hear the smile in Matt's voice.

“So we need a photographer.... well, Katherine's contract allows her to choose the photographer for her shoot.... and if the photographer has a quiet, mousey, somewhat ....crazy assistant tagging along, well, most photographers have assistants in tow, so that's no big deal.... but we...” I cleared my throat “...I... really need a photographer.”

Matt was silent on the phone.

“..And it pays rather well...”

Still more silence from the phone. I was trying to imagine Matt's face... what was going through his mind.... mental note to self, need to use facetime or skype whenever possible. Easier to read people.

“So....? I... can you.... adjust... your plans?” I asked with exaggerated hopefulness.

Matt laughed gently. “Let me talk to Nancy. Although I can't imagine her passing up an opportunity to spend a full day scrutinizing Katherine Keller.”
I groaned quietly. “I have a thing with corporate suits, but my P.A. Dennis will be in touch when we get back to the hotel & you guys can plan out the shoot. I place my fate in your hands.” I laughed.

When we got back to the hotel, Dennis called Matt and arranged to meet as soon as he 'shined me up and sent me off'. He shot me a warm, teasing smile as he said that into the phone. I returned his smile, reminded again how Dennis and Katherine would not be possible... or at least could not possibly be who they are... without the other.

Power shower. Dennis handed me a bottle of body wash that smelled like a rich tropical garden after a fresh rain. Dennis swept my hair into a casual up-do and pinned a fresh flower into it. He then handed me a very sexy sarong that seemed like something a shipwrecked John Paul Gaultier would have whipped up. It seemed simple and native, but had tiny touches that made it seem ever so subliminally sinful and naughty.

“Handy you happened to pack this.” I teased.

Dennis snorted. “Please child. As if you never were going to have to schmooze VIPs at some drab meet & greet? Remember, the P.A. gets copies of the itinerary. AND the P.A. Actually reads them.” He grinned teasingly.

I squeezed his forearm. “Thanks.” He just smiled. I raised my voice and called to the other room “Michael???”

Mikey wandered in. He seemed awkwardly embarrassed watching Dennis dress me. It occurred to me he always saw the after effect but never witnessed the process. I resolved to act casual and oblivious to his discomfort.

“How about an inside-baseball movie called 'a day without a P.A.' where all the personal assistants are raptured or something and the celebrity superstars are left on earth to carry on on their own resourcefulness?”

Mikey barked a laugh. “Another dystopian apocalypse movie?” he mock whined. Then he broke out in a savage grin “ I love it! I don't think anyone would buy it, but I'm sure it would be the most popular unsold screenplay in town.”

Dennis regarded me one last time. Scanning me from toes to top, nodding approvingly. “Good to go and destined to dazzle!” he smiled proudly.
I gave him a grateful hug. “Thanks. As always.” I whispered. He gave my arm a squeeze and I think I caught a little glisten in his eye. I knew Katherine appreciated him, but I was sure it wasn't in her nature to ever tell him.

“Go give 'em hell girl!” he beamed.

“So I can do the clobber with the liquor bottle thing?” I teased.

Dennis mock glowered at me.

“OK. OK.” I held up my hands in protest. “I'll behave.”

Dennis nodded.

“...unless things get TOO dull or unbearable... and no matter what may happen, I promise to leave no scars.” I said impishly.
Dennis continued his glower and grumbled “Just...GO....” He made shoo-ing gestures, but I could see the smile in his eyes as I flashed a finger wave over my shoulder.

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Comments

I've missed LC's over the top sense of humor.......

D. Eden's picture

Or should I say the author's sense of humor? It's been so long since I've seen this story I almost didn't recognize the title whe I saw it. Heaven forbid that! I would have missed that lively wit and the ensuing hilarity.

I'm truly glad you decided to post more, and I hope to see even more very soon. I still can't wait to see what happens with LC after the tour is through, and how Katherine manages to get back into a life which has been so thoroughly enriched by LC and company. Like Kirk in the alternate universe, a civilized man can pretend to be a barbarian, but a barbarian cannot play at being civilized.

So is the issue I see with Katherine. LC can play at being the real Katherine, but how is Katherine ever going to follow in LC's footsteps?

This I have got to see......

Dallas

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

Thank You, Thank You

for this new chapter, it is very good, now all we have to do is get the next chapter posted.
Hugs
Francesca

- Formerly Turnabout Girl

Time to get laid ... ahem ... lei-d

That just cracked me up. And I had to take several reading breaks, just to catch my breath. Or risk asphyxia!

Thank you for continuing this opus of Katherine Keller! And I am really looking forward to the shenanigans that will happen next in Hawai-i and the rest of the Asia tour.

Jessica

I Nearly Missed this.

Christina H's picture

Like Dallas I nearly missed this episode I'm so glad that you have decided to continue as I love
your quirky sense of humour and it's like you were never away.

Don't leave it so long before you post another chapter.

Christina

A rare appearance

I don't see Ng as a last name in a story too often.

LC deserves a stake in Katherine Kellar Enterprises after this.

And yes , I was stunned at receiving this jumble sized fix of one of my favorite stories.

If I remember right

If I remember right there’s a movie out there called a day without a Mexican where all Mexican immigrants disappear and the world basically grinds to a halt

I'm SO transparent :-)

Yes. That's where I stole it.....

No. Wait. Picasso/SteveJobs said "Good artists borrow. Great artists steal".

That's where I borrowed it from. :-)

K@