Singles: Anna Begins

Author’s Notes: This is the biggest chance I have taken as a writer. It is just an inner dialogue. It might be a huge failure.

I got the inspiration for this story from the Counting Crows’ “Anna Begins”. I hope that I did the lyrics and music which Adam Fredric Duritz, Charles Thomas Gillingham, David Lynn Bryson, Lydia Holly, Martin David Jones, Matthew Mark Malley , Steve Bowman and Tobias Hawkins created justice.

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My friend assures me right now it is all or nothing with Anna. My friend is worried about nothing. My friend is just being melodramatic. I have time and there is nothing special about this moment in my life. I am in a great frame of mind, but that will not go away. I know it has every other time before when I was doing good. This time is different and I am not worried or concerned that I might miss out on Anna if I do not act right away.

My friend pleads with me to this time make an exception and just go for it with Anna. My friend wants me to not stick to my plans. Yeah, I had plans to have Anna and I be one before and they did not work out for the closer it got, I was not in a great frame of mind. This time is different, I am not worried. This time my plans will come to be.

Why does my friend keep on bringing on my great frame of mind? My friend needs to understand I am in a good mood and my emotions are where they should be. This is how it will be from now on. I am not going back to a life wasted.

If it does not work out with me and Anna and we are never one, so what? I know what I will do, just send her off to a tropical island where she can be with the coconut trees which she loves. She loves coconut trees for they remind her of the standing on a beach looking at the open sea. The open sea is freedom to her.

Anna would be so happy there I know she will stay. It would be best for her in some ways, for she could be at one with the freedom life has not given her. It would hurt but I would be happy knowing she is happy. I do not need her and I to be one. It would be for the best, but I do not need her.

I do not care that Anna said it is different and I do need her now. The reason she gives is for I am changing. While we are all changing. Anna is also. Anna used to be not as defined as she is now. She is more real, then again we are all more real as we grow as a person. Changing does not mean the facts are different. I will be fine if somehow my inactivity makes me lose Anna.

I don’t care if it isn’t love between me and Anna. Anna doesn’t really talked to me about it so
I know it isn’t love. It is just something in between love and like, a shade of grey. That is fine for when Anna is around I feel alive and I know she feels the same way.

When Anna get the courage and does talk to me and say it is love, the mood gets somber. She brings up all the consequences if we become one. To me they are nothing, they are worthless concerns about nothing. I do not care what other people think, I want Anna and I to be one.

Poor Anna does not have much confidence in herself. I find her so beautiful but she is scared that I do not want to be seen out in public with her. It is from us never going out. It is not my choice now that we almost never go out in public. It is hers, I respect the decision. I feel for her, Anna is judge so harshly for her looks. There is nothing wrong with how she looks. I tell her time and time again if I was a woman I would be happy looking like her. I tell her who cares what other people think about looks, you are a great person.

I wish more people knew Anna like I do. She is a wallflower, an introvert. It is not her real personality, it is from not wanting to be rejected. Once she is self-assured where she is at, Anna is the life of the party. It is great to be around her then. Then again for me It is always great to be around her. I know when the real Anna is out she has a spark in her eye which is as bright as one from a zinc ember. I have only seen that sparkle in pictures. They are my favorite pictures.

How I am talking about Anna now, am I just trying to make myself forget what I want to forget when I deny I love Anna and need her and I to be one. That I want to forget how Anna begins to agree with me just to retreat back to safety. Then Anna begins to fade away. I cannot take the pain of her disappearing again.

I need her in my life and if is only part time that is fine. I know people who have their own personal version of Anna and they never even get to see their dream woman at all, not even a picture. They only have conversations with them. It is true that they never have to worry about the lady who they want to be around all the time disappearing. I could not do so, I need Anna around as much as possible. I need her smiling face in the same room as mine.

Sometimes it is the kindness between us which makes Anna change her mind about me and her becoming one. She thinks I will be giving up too much to be with her. She thinks that she does not deserve to be happy, but that kindness makes her see past the doubt and just enjoy us being one. Anna sometimes shakes from joy from just strangers giving her a friendly smile. I know it leave her shuddering for days after. It is from her believing that she will never get such a good reception from strangers ever again. That it was the outliner experience from her being in public. She is scared of rejection. I am sick of being scared of rejection.

I know this is love with me and Anna. Being one with her will not be easy. I know when I tell Anna it is love and I am not going to bend or break my resolve. I know when I state I am not going to worry about what other people think is when Anna begins to try to make a compromise.

It is not a compromise she wants to just disappear. She talks about just going out one more time and me taking pictures with my mental camera and pin them in the photograph album named My Memories. That she will just stay in from now on.

Just thinking of never seeing Anna again would make me not able to sleep in my quiet bedroom. Anna will know why the room is quiet for I am not even thinking. I will not take the chance of falling further away from being a great state of mind. Then her kindness will start to cover me like rain. Like a cool spring rain which renews me, gives me strength to do what I need to do. This is for Anna begins to change her mind. She will do what is best for me and agrees.

Then Anna will disappear. Even with her agreeing she will not be ready. Then again she will never be ready so ihat is the only way she will follow through with what she said she will do. I Oh God I will not be ready for that sort of thing, that fight with her. I will know what I will have to do, put on one of those dresses which I bought Anna. Do my face with makeup like I taught Anna. Go out and see my friend who is concerned about me and tell him that Anna and I are one from now on that Anna begins to be.



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