How do you keep going?

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I have to ask those who read, comment, and contribute content, How do you Keep going ever day?

I my self have a wreaked life, it started going bad early for me.

I going through high school was hoping to join the military to either make it a career or to pay for College.
I took the ASVAB at school and scored a 94 the first time, I had the recruiters calling every day and trying to practicallt beat my door down, but then things started going downhill.

I sustained a severe concussion on the football field, and after that the Headaches never stopped, it was a constant pounding a sidewalk with someone using a jackhammer had it better. No one believed me and I went through it for almost a year, Depression set in and well I went to the closet Got the shotgun and was going to end it, but finally my family listened and the doctors finally listened too, I got treated and things started turning back around. While i had been going through all that my grades tanked, I had to leave 3 Advanced and honors Classes, and failed a class that year, barely passing most of the others. But that one year destroyed my GPA dropping me to the Bottom 50% of my class on graduation. The insult to injury was the migraines made the recruiters treat me like I had the plague, because i was now medically ineligible to serve. I was going to go for the nuke program, oh well dreams gone. I could not get accepted to the college i needed nor get a scholarship. I did community college because I was lost and it was all I could afford.

While in working 2 jobs, I was starting to feel things could get better, then the accident happened I was on my way to work when I had to stop to avoid hitting a car that cut me off and slammed on his breaks, only to be rear-ended by a buffoon not paying attention slamming into me at over 60 mph. He lest 100 yards of skid marks before he hit me. i went to the Hospital in the ambulance because my neck was hurting so bad. afyer I get to the Hospital and am waiting to be unstrapped from the back board my father shows up 2 hours later I find out the sherif is going to issue me a ticket, I never even was allowed to talk to him, so I tell my father what happens and he calls the deputy, the deputy decides not to issue me the citation because my story lines up with one of the witnesses. The guy who hit me lied like no silver tongued devil I had ever seen.
I ended up with a herniated dsik in the thorassic region of my back, and while I was doing physical therapy the attorney we had (we went to church with him) droed the ball. I ended up settling with the insurance companies with barely enough to cover my medical bills at the time.
Life has remained bad since.

I have gone though many bouts of pain and depression since, then I found a story online cannot remember where it was a Little
Kidd Campers story and wanted to know if there was more and found my way here. I will be honest this site and the Whateley sie have kept me from ending things the stories providing the escape I need from my reality of Pain.

My Current status is I am 34 years old, live at home with my folks, and just barely starting to get by, My bills are getting a little less each month but very slowly. I am reminded by my father so often that by my age he had started his own business was married and had kids. When will I move out, etc... I am employed full-time but do not make enough right now to live on my own and have few prospects of getting a better paying job. The sad thing is when I ask what help I can get from the state I make too much to get any they always say. I have been paying income taxes since i was 13, and they can not help me. the other obstacle is I am Autistic.

Right now I help Erin when ever I can by send what little i can spare, because I need this site to stay around and to sow my thanks for the small glimpses of fancy the stories here provide.

I apologize ahead of time, I am going though a down spell, if I upset anyone.

The question I have to ask you all here is how do you keep going? I know many people here have it just as bad if not worse. For other reasons most of the time of course. I know many of you have had a full life so I need some wisdom from those who have seen much more than me.

Comments

Life certainly poos on some of us.

Angharad's picture

For some of us it's just bloody-mindedness that keeps us going but even for those with relatively flat lives, there are good things that happen. The trick is to use the lift it gives you carry you through the bad times. Even the smallest thing can be used, such as seeing the sunshine after a cloudy day, or a rainbow during the rain--see the beauty in everything from a flower to a bird to a person.It's not just platitudes it really works, or it does for me and I'm nearly twice your age with back and neck injuries that give me hell at times. Also do not give in, do what you want to do, set targets and achieve them, keep them easy to start with and increase them as you improve. Life is often what we make of it even with less than good hands dealt us. Good luck.

Angharad

How Do I Keep Going

Mostly I think of everyone who I would let down if I didn't keep going.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

How do you keep going...

I think--sharing, sharing a piece of something within ourselves that is 'intangible, yet precious' is wonderful. What I share and how what I share impacts others, gives a fulfillment that nothing 'real' matches.

What you shared may, in many ways, impacts those who read what you've written. It will impact some more than others. It will move others to write or in other ways spur creativity. It may move others to have a kinder heart. It may be the tipping point to help someone change their life or change someone else's life. It will hurt some by triggering their own pain and it will help to heal others, but because you chose to share it... it matters. Which means you matter.

We can all spout platitudes about the 'glass half empty/half full'. We can commiserate and empathize with the challenges of your life (which we do and others will as well). We can hope that it will improve. However, it all comes down to what you value for yourself. You value what is on this site. You value it enough to share.

Sharing is really what this and all other site like this are really all about. That's what keeps me going. Sharing.

Hugs,

Leila

thank you for the replies so fa!!!

MadTech01's picture

I wrote that early this morning when my pain had me at one of my weakest moments, I wad not been able to sleep and the pain was just gnawing at me. Finally the pain meds worked and I got some sleep.

And I see what you mean Angharad, And Angela it is the little things that keep us going, and the fight not to disappoint and heart the ones we care about.
Leila, thank you for what feels a poetic response as well, and how true it is.

for those of you that my statement may have caused distress I greatly apologize and beg you forgiveness.
I have said before that I suffer from depression and this was me at one of my worst in a while, I had to get all that I was feeling out and ask others how they cope at times.

Thank you again for your kindness, this is why I love this sire.

"Cortana is watching you!"

I think you will find that most people here

are what some would regard as 'damaged goods'.
By the very fact that we post here, we are different to the mainstream if not outside it at times.
I don't think that there are many of us who are totally unscathed by our lives.
No two of us are the same nor are the things that have happened in our lives the same.
Yet we soldier on and make the best of what hand we are dealt with.

Some of us are able to do what the boxers would say, 'roll with the punches' and ... well deal with and get on with life.
We hide a lot of emotion and feelings. That is part and parcel with who we are and the world we live in.
"That's Life" I'm afraid.

On a brighter side, it is 50years since the UK law that made having gay sex a crime was repealed.
The environment for LGB people here is a lot better these days and for 'T' it is improving quite quickly.
Someday and I hope it is soon, we can be far more open about who we are and what we want to do with out lives. Then coming out as 'T' won't be front page news in the National Enquirer or similar rags.

Samantha

cowardice mostly

That and hope for the, almost negligible, future possibility of acquiring a time machine/paradox engine/temporal telepresence projector/a new game+/etc

(note: Unlike most people who say they want a time machine, with no clear goal, I know the exact moment I need to influence, and how, with obvious variation based on method of getting there)

you would be hard pressed....

MadTech01's picture

You would be hard pressed to find a single human being who does want to go back in Time and change just one thing heck most would want to change many.

"Cortana is watching you!"

that would make an interesting plot line for a story

going back in time to change one thing in your past. What if that turned out even worse, then going back even earlier to change something, etc. trying to make your life better. I may have to write that one down for future use ...Muhahahaha

We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

You who unleashes rabbid Huggles

MadTech01's picture

I can see that, the oes who sets free Huggles every time they are captured and contained on you crusae to spread happiness.

You always make me smile Dorothy, never change!

"Cortana is watching you!"

I need to stick around

laika's picture

at least long enough to witness the downfall of the Biggest Snake Oil Salesman in American History.
Also there's the matter of refusing to let those who would be happy to be rid of people like me win.
Fuck them! Uh uhn! I ain't going anywhere! Sorry this isn't very inspirational but it works for me.
~hugs (oh very well... huggles) and hoping for brighter days for you; Veronica

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXioctDPGn0

I have a friend that called the election before even the news.

MadTech01's picture

HE said it was going to come down to Hillary vs Trump, even when I thought who would choose the most hated people to run for office. Well he was right he says he is waiting for the world to implode and is eating his popcorn while it burns watching the blaze.

Trump protests too much, if he was innocent he would protest but not as loudly, because often the guilty man will protest the loudest while trying to get the investigators to look somewhere else. Crime is a darwinian process and only the smart and strong survive.

Most of the time we never hear about smart criminals its the dumb ones who we see every day. Posting pictures of your self with stolen property while bragging about it, boasting about your deeds, committing crimes right in broad daylight, etc... every crime leaves a trail, you can never cover everything you can just protect against everything you can, to try and not get caught. Trump promised his tax returns, then after he won said he did not have to turn them over because he won.

Al Capon was never busted for his real crimes, but the Government got him on Tax Evasion, he ended up paying his due and left prison a broken man and died not long after.

The Teflon Don was nailed eventually, he got cocky and eventually made a mistake and the Feds nailed him.

Criminals have to be lucky every time they commit a crime, law enforcement only has to be lucky one time. the smart criminals we never hear about are the ones that pull off there crime and then eventually just disappear never to commit another crime. It is when they get greedy and do not stop that they eventually get busted.

Trumps mistake if he was involved with illicit money is he made himself a public figure, as a celebrity he would have been free and clear but when he stepped into politics and tried to do things the same way he opened him self up to this all on his own. If he would listen to the lawyers, stop tweeting, stop making public statements contradicting his own subordinates, this would have gone away but he can not keep his mouth shut.
Clinton was investigated over whitewater but it did not almost bring him down it was the affair with a white house intern the cover up that almost really hurt him. Nixon was busted for doing what trump he is trying to do. The thing with D.C. Politics is you can be forgiven for the crime its the cover up that is unforgivable.

"Cortana is watching you!"

It takes the right attitude

Personally I am a firm believer in Karma and that Karma must balance in the long run. So for every bad thing that happens, (and I've had some nasty ones) something good must occur to balance it out. That way whenever something terrible happens in my life, I look at how it will later balance out with some really good things happening later on.

We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

eno clue here

MadTech01's picture

if its reincarnation and karma either i was bad in a past life or I am building a big payment of the good stuff later on in life or the next one.

The christian answer I have gotten before is your pain must be part of the plan, blah blah, yack yack.

If there is a hell, I might want to go there for vacation and some R&R after a tour of this life.
I modded the avatar sec briefing sue me Camron :P

I go through my time of an even keel with little bouts of happiness, but those damn down spells are just painful, that was the first one I ever felt Like I had to talk with someone about ever. Then again being unable to sleep at 4am after a long day probably added to it. Trmadol is your frind take it like the doctor ordered, that pain this morning was what I get for missing a dose. remind me take it before I have another repeat already 2:30am

"Cortana is watching you!"

Sheer stubbornness for me.

For just an example of some of what I've dealt with, you can read my blog here that I posted on January 19th of this year. I didn't go into really explicit detail there, just mentioned thoughts about what I dealt with in my childhood years, especially during the adoption.

When the adoption broke down, I was sent off to a group home where everything went to hell in a hand basket for quite a while. It took a worker there nearly two years to break through my anger and actually be able to help me through a lot of what I had experienced while there.

I went through some other not so fun experiences after moving to Stratford, Ontario in late June of '84. I was eighteen years old.

When I was nineteen, a few months before my birthday in the spring of '86, I started having vision problems. I saw a doctor about it, mentioned that I had a hard time dealing with glasses pinching my nose and he recommended contacts as an alternative option.

My Children's Aid Society worker (I was still a Crown Ward at the time) outright denied that option, then refused to get me glasses.

Well, I managed to get through the rest of the semester, only having difficulty with grade twelve English, which I was taking for the second time, after having failed it the first time because I couldn't understand half of what was being taught or discussed in the class.

To counter that, I was acing just about every other class, having posted no less than a 95% for French the prior semester, a 98% for grade ten German in the same semester as the French and 97% for grade eleven German in the spring semester. I never scored less than 90% on any of my math or science classes, heck, other than grade twelve English, I pretty much breezed through my classes.

That changed in the fall of '86. I came back to school that September and immediately had very serious vision issues, serious enough that I was unable to attend afternoon classes for most of the time over the next eleven weeks. What was happening, as I later discovered, was that the fluorescent lights were triggering migraines, I could handle the first two classes (a bit over two hours total), but going back into class in the afternoons was pure hell, as the migraines would become severe enough that I was experiencing severe dizziness and nausea.

Eventually, the principal reported to my CAS worker that I wasn't staying in classes all day, and my CAS worker, rather than find a way to help me to deal with the problem, dropped me like a bad habit; I ended up expelled from school and drifted for six months before ending up in jail.

Once I was out of jail, I came to Toronto where I spent most of my days for the next nineteen months working anywhere from sixteen to twenty hours a day, two to three jobs each day, then the Fibromyalgia made itself known through frequent bouts of pain.

Eventually, the pain was bad enough that I couldn't do the work anymore, so I ended up on social assistance. I've been on either welfare or disability for most of the time since then, partly because of the vision issues, partly the Fibro, mostly because I am bipolar and have MPD.

Mental health issues like bipolar disorder are much more likely to get one on disability here in Ontario. I know that when I was just trying to get disability without using the bipolar, I got denied every single time and was told to go and do physical labour, "there's nothing wrong with you". If I had been in a wheelchair, they might have helped me sooner, I guess, but Fibro doesn't always show visible signs for others to notice.

I also have what is commonly called multiple personality disorder. I have half a dozen or so personalities, about half of them I've only seen once or twice. They vary from young girls, one four years old, one six, to young men of about sixteen to nineteen years of age. The younger ones are cute and sweet, just like one would want a little girl to be. The males, though, are a whole different ball game. The one I have had the most experience with is Johnny; he'd be about sixteen, always looking for trouble, if he can't find it, he'll start it, leaving me to face the music.

I've been dealing with the headaches since '86 and the Fibro since '89. I had a brief bout of asthma when I was eighteen or nineteen, but recovered and had no problems with that until the mid-'90s. I've had to use an Advair inhaler for the last two years, with Ventolin as back-up.

I discovered in '95 that I had already lost about 25% of my hearing in both ears due to damage in both middle ears. At the time, I was told that the hearing loss would increase by about 1 to 3% per year, so I now have maybe 50% hearing left, likely less.

I'm extremely light sensitive, I wear sunglass clip-ons over my glasses and still get blinded quite a bit when I'm outdoors. I'm also noise sensitive, I used to have hearing aids, wore them outside and couldn't handle sudden noises at all; I haven't had them since '98 because of that. It's not fun when you're walking along, an emergency vehicle goes by with sirens blaring and you hit the ground hard because of the noise.

I also have two deteriorated discs in my neck, they've made things fun for nearly thirty years, I can only turn my head about 15° each way.

I'm honestly not sure, but I think I may be borderline autistic myself; I've never actually been diagnosed as such, but it fits well enough.

So yeah, I can understand a lot of the stuff you're going through. Pain has been a steadily increasing part of my life since '89, and a lot of other issues either were present before that or have materialized or returned since the Fibro became an everyday occurrence for me.

The one major difference is that I haven't worked since '89. I did take a basic woodworking course at one point and enjoyed it quite a bit. but I believe that was in the summer of '89, so the Fibro hadn't come around yet.

My biggest issue over the years has been that most of the public places I've been in use fluorescents as their primary source of lighting. Since '86, I can only handle being under fluorescents for about two hours at most, so I hadn't tried to get my GED at all.

Someone here mentioned to me a month or two ago that there are places out there that use LED lighting, I think she said, not fluorescents. She suggested that I look around for places like that and ask about doing internships in areas that interest me (like foreign languages).

As I said earlier, I enjoyed that woodworking course, so that may be an option as well. I'll be exploring these things after I find a new place.

At the moment, I have a rather dire need to find a new place to live, tenants have to be out of this building on Monday night at the latest. I've been looking for places for the last two months, most have been way too small for me (I own a fair number of paperbacks, likely about 4k, maybe even close to 5k, and I want to be able to have them wherever I end up, so I need a fair bit of space). Others have demanded money above and beyond first and last, with one even demanding I set up an Interac transaction before I could even view the space. Nope, sorry.

There have been a couple of others that I suppose I could have taken, but I have mobility issues, especially with stairs, and a couple of these places were showing apartments on the fourth or fifth floors, no elevators in the building. I can handle a dozen or so steps, but not fifty.

There are a couple of possibilities that I will be checking out in the next day or so, I'm hoping that one of them will be good. Covering the rent won't be an issue for the two places I have interest in at the moment, I have enough in the bank for first and last for either one.

The big issue at the moment is getting everything packed and ready to haul butt out of here on Monday.

I have to admit that I've done a lot of bitching about things in my life, but I'm going to try to turn things around, despite all my issues.

Like you, I help Erin by dropping some cash into the site when I can afford it. This place helps me to cope with life's insanities each day.

In my own case, sheer stubbornness keeps me going.

I've thought many times over the years about committing suicide, but I haven't tried anything like that since early September of '98, even though I went through sheer hell not long after that. Oh, there were times when I was really seriously depressed, but I've not been on meds for psych issues since September of '99, and I haven't self-harmed since a year before that. I'm not sure how I cope when things get rough.

Sorry for the big post here, I sincerely hope that you can sort things out and improve your situation soon.

I wish I knew...

erica jane's picture

Each day seems to me like I'm coasting along waiting for the ride to stop. I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of the panic attacks. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of never being who I really am. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of waking up in the mornings.

~And so it goes...

The main thing that keeps me

The main thing that keeps me going is family and friends. I've had low points- almost certainly not as low as you- and times when I wanted to shut myself off from the rest of the world. Sometimes it's hard to understand why anyone would ever like me or want to associate with me, but when that happens, one needs to remind oneself that there are people who genuinely love you. On those rare occasions I'm even remotely tempted to end it all, I'm reminded of the words of Raymond Reddington. You have to trust that if you fall, there will be people there to catch you.

Debs xxxx

I keep going trough the

I keep going trough the support of friends and the strength they give me. When I am feeling down they are there with a kind word or hug. Even if those hugs are from the cyber variety I know that the love of the friends is there. I was pretty low a year ago and then I find this site and I have realized that the friends I have made here are an incredible source of support. That friendship helps me through those points when I get down and get a bit off.

Thanks for the Reminder!

MadTech01's picture

We all have to be reminded of things every so often.
It is just hard at times to remember the good when we are at our lowest and have to be reminded.

Thank you

"Cortana is watching you!"