The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1401 by Angharad Copyright © 2011 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

I really don’t recall much of the journey home, except Stella telling me to slow down at times and reminding me that we had two babies on board. That did cause me to think for a few moments, and also to reflect on the fact that I wasn’t the greatest driver in the world.

At one point Stella was on the mobile phone to Simon, who had been told at the office that one of his kids appeared to be missing. He immediately called the police and the school had been searched and she wasn’t there.

He wasn’t terribly pleased that they all thought her transgender status made her a bit strange, at least in their eyes–in Simon’s view, she was just an ordinary kid who was trying to deal with life and small urinary problem. That she had been sexually abused some years before was in his opinion very much more of a handicap to her and other children than having the wrong sexual organs.

When I heard all this later, I hugged him and thanked him for his defence of our children’s normality. True, Trish is a bit strange, but that’s because she has a brain the size of a small planet, not because she used to be classed as a boy. She is a little girl now in everything but ovaries.

Once we got past Salisbury, a giant bottleneck usually, I felt a little easier–probably because the end of our journey was in sight. Finally, after what seemed like an age we pulled into the drive, nearly hitting the police car which was parked in my usual space. I grabbed Catherine and ran into the house, leaving Stella to bring her baby and the luggage in. I noticed Danny going out to help her.

“Any news?” I demanded waving the female copper away until I’d spoken to Simon. He shook his head.

“Lady Cameron, I’m WPC Brown, I’m a family liaison officer.”

“Congratulations, Simon, look after her, I’m going to the school.”

“That isn’t a good idea, Lady Cameron.”

“In your opinion, perhaps, but that is where I left my daughter this morning and where I will commence my search for her.”

“But, Lady Cameron...”

I grabbed my bag, jumped in my car and powered off to the school. I wasn’t surprised to see police cars there, but the number did catch me unawares. Still if it meant they found her, so much the better.

I demanded to see Sister Maria and after kicking my heels for a good fifteen minutes I was allowed to speak with her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said when I approached her.

“So you should be, I particularly asked you to keep an eye on her because she wasn’t acting her usual self.”

“I know, and I don’t know when she went. She was in registration, but no one seems to remember seeing her after that.”

“You don’t do registration for each class?”

“No, mornings and afternoons, that’s all.”

“So she could have been missing since nine o’clock?”

“I’m afraid so. If anything has happened to her, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“She’s still alive.”

“How can you be sure?”

“As sure as I know that tooth abscess hasn’t healed properly yet, has it?”

“No, it hasn’t.”

I turned round and slapped her face. She looked aghast at me.

“It’ll heal now, pus couldn’t drain.”

“Why, yes, it feels easier. Thank you.”

“You thought I’d hit you for losing Billie?”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

“If I had, it would have been much harder and you’d be lying on the floor.”

“Oh–I didn’t have you down as a violent person.”

“I’m not, but those of us who aren’t violent usually, have difficulties controlling it once we get started.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I hope you never do, it’s not a pretty sight and I make the angel of death look like an amateur. I’m not proud of it, neither do I regret it. I protect my own whatever happens and whatever it takes.”

“You’ve hurt someone, haven’t you?”

“Yes, and I’d do it again.”

I need somewhere I can sit quietly, if I can meditate on her energy, I can find her.”

“What when all these police have failed?”

“With all due respect, and I’m sure they’ve worked jolly hard, I know they do when children are involved, but I do know her and I have that advantage of being able to tune into her.”

“My tooth feels much easier.” I don’t know if she hadn’t listened to what I was saying or she was trying to distract me, but I wasn’t playing.

“Somewhere quiet, if you please.”

“The chapel is quiet, it’s been closed for a couple of weeks because we had a bit of a flood when one of the radiators leaked. It’s a bit cold in there, that’s the only thing.”

It also has all this religious symbolism everywhere, I’ll bet, but I said nothing other than it would do fine. We went in through the priest’s entrance and the robing room at the side of the chapel. It’s a modern lock and makes very little noise.

I followed her into the chapel proper and she put up her hand to stop me and to shut me up. She pointed ahead into the chapel by the altar. I tip-toed up to her and there in front of us was Billie. She was kneeling before the altar and on the floor by her was a kitchen knife.

“Jesus, you have to make me a girl or I want to die. You helped my sister Trish–she used to be Patrick. She cut them off and she survived, because I believe you helped her. You even helped her to have the job done early when she was wounded there and they made her into a proper girl.”

I felt tears run down my face and Sister Maria was silently weeping too.

“I’ve asked you every night to make me into a girl. I’ve prayed and prayed and each morning, when I look, that stupid sausage is still there. Why? Why can’t you perform a miracle for me–I’d do it for you.”

I wanted to intervene, to rush in and hug her to tell her that she was perfect as she was; except I knew she wouldn’t believe me because she wasn’t perfect in her own eyes.

“You’ve given my mummy magical powers to heal people, even sometimes those who are dead. Why couldn’t you give her the power to make me into a girl? Why have I got to wait another seven or eight years just to have this stupid sausage removed. I want it to go–if you make it into a girl’s bits, I’ll love you forever and always do what I can to help you.”

By now, I was having difficulty seeing what she was doing, my eyes were running so much and the lump in my throat was the size of an asteroid.

“Jesus, you’re supposed to be my saviour–save me–or let me be a proper girl in heaven.”

She picked up the knife and despite the lump in my throat I screamed, “No, Billie, don’t.”

She turned round and I was already running towards her.

“Mummy?”

“Darling, please put down the knife.”

“I can’t, Mummy, I have to do this. Jesus will save me–he promised us he would.”

“Sometimes He can’t always do that, my darling, sometimes we have to work through these things ourselves.”

“I am working it for myself, He won’t let me die, Mummy.”

“Please, please don’t do this darling–look, we’ll talk to Stephanie, see if we can do something to hurry things up.”

“They won’t, they have their rules.”

“But the rules said you couldn’t have hormones and you got them, didn’t you. Stephanie is on your side, you know.”

“You grown-ups are always telling me lies.” She was crying, “I was told lies when I had to do those horrible things. I was told I’d like it. It was horrible, and he used to touch me and I felt sick–it was so nasty–he was so nasty. Grown-ups tell me lies. Jesus wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Billie, darling, have I ever lied to you? Have I ever hurt you?”

“No, Mummy, but I gotta do this–I don’ wanna be a boy anymore, I’d rather be a dead girl.”

I’d edged a few yards closer. “You don’t have to be a dead girl, you can be a live one, honestly, I’ll ask Stephanie to see what she can do or where we can go to hurry things on.”

“No, Mummy, I wanna do this now.”

“Can I please at least have one last hug from you before you do this?”

“You’re trying to trick me.”

“I’m not, darling–I love you.”

I stepped forward and she stepped backwards, away from me.

“Please, darling, give me one last hug and then you can do whatever you like.”

“You’re just saying that, you want to grab me and take the knife.”

“You can keep the knife if you want–you can stab me if you want–I don’t care. If you die because of this–I’ll just die too.”

“You can’t die, Mummy, you’re an angel and the others need you. I’m a nothing, not even a boy or a girl–a nothing.”

“You’re not, you're my daughter, my child and I love you. You are perfect, no matter what you think at this moment, believe me you are perfect.”

“I’m not–I’m an abomination, it says so in the Bible–I’m a sinner.”

“Please stand still, Billie, I don’t like talking to you as you walk round the place.”

“You want to catch me and take the knife.”

I stepped forwards and she stepped back straight into the arms of Sister Maria, who in the panic she stabbed and screamed.

“Oh Jesus, I’m going to see Him,” she gasped and fell down a large red patch spreading over her abdomen.

“Go and get help and don’t you dare run away–hurry,” I said firmly to Billie who seemed shocked.

“I didn’t mean to do it, she frightened me.”

“Run and get help.”

“I can’t, the door is locked, I’ve killed her, haven’t I? I didn’t mean to, Mummy, I didn’t mean to.”