Lessons Learned

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I wrote this story and posted it, but unpubbed it because of the very real feelings and people involved. The story is true. I recently received permission from one of the people in the story to re-post it, so I'd like to enter it in the Summer Romance Story Contest. If it's deemed ineligible, I don't mind, but I wanted it here so others might learn from it. Thanks. Cathy.

LESSONS LEARNED

By Catherine Linda Michel

She sat on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands, crying as if she'd lost the best thing she'd ever had, and in so many ways, she had.

Several months before, Alice, a late life transitioner, had begun an online romance with another T-girl she'd known for three or four years. Everything had gone so wonderfully smooth, and Alice was beside herself with joy, head over heels in love.

Alice had always had immense respect for Janice's common sense and with her talent as a writer, as well as Jan's 10 year head start in transition, over Alice. Jan always had a way of getting Alice to look at things from a more 'real life' viewpoint, where Alice always looked at things from a fantasy point of view.

They'd even had a 'video date', which consisted of the two of them, using their webcams and communicating over an online phone service. They both dressed in their very best, prepared the same dinner, and watched a movie they both had on their hard drives. They had both, it seemed, had a wonderful time, and it seemed that this unique date had strengthened their growing relationship, and Alice was completely in love with Janice.

She'd bought an inexpensive, but expressive, twin heart necklace for Jan, hoping to place it lovingly around Jan's neck, when they finally got together in real life. Alice had sung to Jan, and read love poems to her, and Jan had seemed to have enjoyed being serenaded and thought of in such a loving way.

The two had planned to get together at a friend's home for a few days, for a first, face-to-face meeting, hoping that a neutral setting, and their growing love and respect for one another, would help solidify their feelings for one another, and really begin a lifelong partnership between them.

Alice had invested all her hopes and dreams in this relationship, hoping against hope that, this time, it would be right. That she'd finally found the one with which to share the rest of her life. So many times before, her hopes had been dashed, and her heart broken. She tried so hard to try to do everything right this time, and it seemed that her efforts were,indeed, bearing wonderful fruit.

Her transition and Real Life Test were going far better than she'd ever hoped for and, with this relationship, it seemed her life was finally going to be what she'd always hoped it would be...full of love, life, and joy. She, for maybe the first time in her life, was looking ahead to the rest of her life, certain in her belief that Janice was the one.

Through countless phone calls, and over their webcams, the two women solidified their feelings for one another, and words of love were spoken so tenderly and lovingly. Oh, how wonderful it was for Alice! She went through her daily, humdrum life in a dream of love, and planned for a long, loving future with Janice. She told all her friends, family, online family, and co-workers about Janice and how wonderful she felt, and they were all so happy for her. Life couldn't get any better than this, she thought.

Alice had always been a very impulsive sort of person, and she always threw herself into things head on, when she was interested in them. This was no different. She lived and breathed the love she felt in her heart, constantly. She did everything she could think of that seemed romantic, never realizing that it might overwhelm Janice, who, like Alice, had never been in such an intense relationship.

In fact, it was overwhelming Janice. She had begun the relationship in the hope of finding within her, the love and commitment it would take to sustain such a loving affair. She truly believed that she could do whatever it took to assure that she and Alice would form the lifetime partnership she believed she wanted, just as much as Alice did.

Yet in Janice's heart, doubts were growing, unknown to Alice. Jan's parents, who had all but disowned her when she began her transition, were in questionable health. Her Dad had numerous health problems, and her Mom had still not adjusted to her son becoming her daughter. Jan began to feel that, if her Mom found out that she was in a relationship with another T-girl, in effect, in a lesbian relationship, it would be too much for her Mom to handle. Jan was faced with a no win situation, and she wrestled with what she might have to do to resolve it.

She loved Alice, of that there was no doubt. She wanted a life partner, and had chosen Alice to be that partner, in the fervent hope that Alice would feel the same way. The courtship had gone so wonderfully smooth, and she knew that Alice loved her with all her heart, but despite that, she began to realize that she could not let herself desert her parents, who she truly loved and never wanted to hurt, even though they'd hurt her with their nonacceptance of her transition.

She agonized over which direction she had to go, and finally reached a heart wrenching decision. No matter how much she loved Alice, no matter how much she knew that Alice loved her, she would have to end it. She simply could not allow her actions to harm her parents any further. To her everlasting credit,she went directly to Alice, knowing that, although Alice would be heartbroken, maybe devastated by her decision, it was what she had to do for her own sanity, and for her parent's well-being.

She contacted Alice in the usual way, phoning her online. She tried her best to soften the blow, but she could tell that Alice was, indeed, heartbroken. Alice tried her best to not let it show, but Jan knew her too well, and knew that Alice was trying to be brave for her. It was, all around, a sad day for both of them, but Jan could do nothing else. Her duty, she firmly believed, lay with the ones who had brought her into this world, and in spite of their nonacceptance of her, Jan knew that two wrongs never make a right. She simply could not desert them, or subject them to even more disappointment in her and her life choices.

Alice did, indeed, try to be brave. She put up a good show of acceptance of Jan's decision, but inside, she died. When the two were done talking, after the phone had been hung up, she cried and couldn't seem to stop. All her dreams and hopes had just been destroyed, and could not believe, nor could her heart accept that everything she'd ever wanted had ended. She canceled plans with her friends. She canceled the meeting that she and Jan were going to have, and she cried, nearly non-stop, for all that night.

The next day, going to work was torture for Alice. She went through the entire day in a sort of haze, with tears in her eyes, threatening to overflow at any moment. Everyone knew something was dreadfully wrong, but they had no way of knowing what it was. It was no easier for Jan.

She spent a lot of time, regretting having ever started things with Alice, and regretting even more, the necessity of ending it. She'd wanted the same things that Alice did, and had hoped and prayed that they would live their lives and their love, together, but she knew where her duty was, and she could not bring herself to shirk it. Her sense of duty, and her love of God would have to sustain her, and she believed she knew that they could.

This story has no real end. It is still in flux. Janice and Alice are trying to change their relationship to one of close, trusted friendship. It won't be easy though. It will take work on both their parts, to try to put to rest the feelings they had, and might still have, for one another. With the help of their friends, and the strength of character they both have, they will win through this, and become the very best of friends.
As for their future...well, who knows.

We all know that true love never dies, and that time can change things. At the same time, we also know that duty and responsibility, however real, or self imposed they might be, are powerful things. Can these two star-crossed lovers ever find one another again, the way they both wanted? Probably not, but only time will tell.

In the meantime, friendship and respect must be their bywords. They both know that they made mistakes, and they have learned from them. You can't hurry love. You can't force it. You can't make it do what you want it to do. You can only accept it with an open heart, and hope for the future. You never know when it might find you, and you never know what might end it. All you can do is hope, and accept, and treasure every precious moment with the one you love.

Alice's final words to Jan about their breakup? What else could they be?

“As you wish.”

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Comments

A nice story

but I found it bittersweet and kinda sad. In a good way.

Bailey Summers

Thank you for reading and

Thank you for reading and commenting, Bailey. It's a very personal story for me.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

What can I say?

Andrea Lena's picture

We all know that true love never dies, and that time can change things. At the same time, we also know that duty and responsibility, however real, or self imposed they might be, are powerful things. Can these two star-crossed lovers ever find one another again, the way they both wanted? Probably not, but only time will tell.

Thank you.

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

I'm so glad you like the

I'm so glad you like the story Andrea. You've become a real treasure here at Top Shelf and your contributions to my universe are absolutely priceless to me. God Bless you and yours.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

Lessons Learned

I believe that love is stronger thatn most anything and will triumph in the end.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Thanks Stan. I hope you're

Thanks Stan. I hope you're right, but sometimes it just isn't meant to be. "Time will tell."

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

It Really Made Me Mad

jengrl's picture

It really made me mad that she chose to conform to the wishes of her parents other than herself. It is just like all the years of living before transition where you try so hard to be what everyone else wants while in the meantime you aren't being true to the most important person and that is yourself. I found that when I began to be my trueself, others had to adapt to it. The ones who really matter did and we are still close. Janice threw away a relationship with Alice where both were mutually and lovingly respectful for a big gamble that her parents would come around to accepting her. There is a greater chance of her parents still rejecting her and there she will be with no one in her life. I will take a sure thing over a gamble any day of the week and Jan blew it in my book!

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Comments on Lessons Learned

As my friend would say, "Oh, You is SO right, girl!"

Jan Was A Coward!

jengrl's picture

Come to think of it, Jan was a great big COWARD!!!!! I have a friend who got dumped by her boyfriend because said boyfriend was told he would be disinherited if he didn't do what they wanted. He claimed that he didn't really want to do it, but his family forced him to. That was a line of BS! He was and is a coward for not fighting for their love and my friend Michelle was left to pick up the broken pieces. Her ex still hangs around on her Facebook page and acts like everything is just peachy. She tolerates him, but just barely!

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I obviously touched a nerve

I obviously touched a nerve in you with this story, Jen. I can understand your viewpoint, but sometimes circumstances dictate other than a happy ending. Janice and Alice still have one another, just instead of lovers, they are BFF's and sisters forever.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

I obviously touched a nerve

I obviously touched a nerve in you with this story, Jen. I can understand your viewpoint, but sometimes circumstances dictate other than a happy ending. Janice and Alice still have one another, just instead of lovers, they are BFF's and sisters forever.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

Not sentimental

laika's picture

...or designed to make a girl curl her toes savoring the romanticalness (romanticity?) of it all; but a great, realistic story of how love can go in the real world. It seems like things like "I was true to myself and honest with her" and "it hurt but I took the chance, and learned something and survived" can be as valuable as "happily ever after".

But I really hope Janice's parents at least gained some inkling of what a good person they have for a daughter, that when she was concerned for their happiness even after they spurned her. That would be the real tragedy if they didn't. Anyway, a great story Cathy...
~~~hugs, Laika
.

I went through two months when I couldn't even look at t.g. fiction, it felt like too painful of a reminder of my own nonexistant life as a woman. But I'm glad that's over and I can once again enjoy fine stories like this :)

Thanks Laika. It's true

Thanks Laika. It's true that some stories just don't reach the end we want from them, but sometimes something good comes from something sad. I'm so glad you liked the story, and thank you again for your contribution to my universe. It fit perfectly and was just what I hoped for from you.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

A beautiful story

Thank you for sharing it. I do hope that some day they will find and be able to experience the love they both so desire.

Now excuse me, I need cry some more over their loss.

Connie

Don't cry honey. rejoice in

Don't cry honey. rejoice in the fact that Jan and Alice still have one another... as BFF's and sisters. Love doesn't conquer all, but it does prepare us for better lives if we're willing and open to it. Thank you for your comment.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

We do what we have to do.

so easy to say, so difficult to do. And even harder sometimes when the better decision hurts
as well. Very compelling and thought provoking. And for some of us here, I might expect, painfully true as well. Thank you.


Happy to know you. Belle

easy... difficult. Very

easy... difficult. Very true Belle. Painful, maybe, but necessary when it just isn't right for both. Thank you so much for commenting.

Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

Lessons Learned

I really hope that somehow the problems find a way to be resolved and a happier part of this story is a result. As a person considering SRS, your second paragraph mention of a "Late Life Transitioner" really hits home for me. I'm not attractive as is, and I really don't have any faith that I would not frighten the general public if I were to transition ( I'm 50+, Tall, and overall just generally LARGE -well except for certain ineffective bits down below). The idea of me in a dress, while appealing to my mind, is just scary in reality. I have a wife who is comfortable with me (we've decided I'm a heterosexual lesbian), but I can certainly see how it would be very disturbing to find that great happiness pulled away suddenly. I hope that hese two somehow find happiness.

If it helps you, I didn't

If it helps you, I didn't start my RLT until I was over 60. I too agonized over my ability to present myself convincingly as the woman I know I am, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and step into the shark tank. For reference, I'm 5'7"on a good day, and 205 pounds. (down from 235) Have faith in yourself, in who you truly are, and be proud. Whatever decision you come to, I'll always support you.

Hugs,
Cathy

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

"Breaking Up is Hard to Do!"

...says the old song! There was a really nice, great girl who I had really fallen deeply in love with in College. The problem was one that a lot of us have had: I was more interested in wearing her lingerie than "getting into" it! We had a very hard, tearful break-up. We went out one last time 2 years later and ended up with both of us crying our eyes out! We still exchange birthday and Christmas cards. She's married to a really nice guy and is a recent new mom of a beautiful girl. Me? Still looking for Mr. or Ms. Wonderful!

Diane.