Just when I thought I was stuck in a rut, things got really interesting. Mom recently had a stroke, realized it and then went to bed thinking she would feel better the next day. BTW, she barricades herself in the house if I am not there. The following morning she somehow got to the phone and called me at my boyfriend's house where I was spending the weekend. So, 37 miles and 35 minutes later, I got an aspirin into her while waiting for the ambulance and police to arrive. She spent a week in the hospital and her 92nd birthday in rehab.

I am thankful to be able to be writing this and looking forward to spending the day with friends. Thank goodness for modern medicine. Last Sunday I attended the tdor event at the chapel in Princeton, NJ with my boyfriend. As people were reading the names I thought back to my own assault, muggings, abuse. The candles were slowly being extinguished as the list grew longer and longer and my anguish built. By the time it was my turn I was a ticking emotional time bomb. I had five names to read but by the third one it was impossible to continue, I totally lost it and starting crying like a baby.

I am happy to say that after ten months of stalling, the VA has given me a total left knee replacement. I am happily resting at my second home, < my family doesn't care so I am at my boyfriends house> having spent 4 days in a VA hospital and then 16 in a CLC. That's the VA version of a nursing home/rehab facility which they call a community living center. Aside from MAJOR pronoun isues, some patients with homophobia and an intern who used a tool backwards and drove a staple down into my flesh, I was treated very well.

Life is like a crossword puzzle, at some point you put in the last piece and eveything falls into place. I guess at that point you realize you're dead. Speaking of which, I have had some bumps in my yellow brick road lately. In my former 'life' I overdid things in my need to hide out with the men and now must deal with the aftermath. At age 64 my doctor has told me my left knee is 84 and totally worn out.

Happy Easter Mom,
I'm not sure if when I was born you wanted me
But as I grew up I loved, needed and helped you
At 10, when I confided in you, you turned your back on me
But at 51 you seemed to finally accept the real me
We have aged and things have changed for us both
At my transition in 2002 you truly abandoned the new me
Now, at age 90, you need me and I unselfishly care for you
The insults and mean things you purposely say hurt me deeply
Yet I am by your side when you need me
Why then mom, won't you ever accept me
your daughter, Carol

I was innocently searching for my son the other day using a search engine I had never tried and lo and behold a phone number and address popped up. I called, let it ring about 7-8 times and hung up. The next day I was in a Burger King on the Garden State parkway heading to Atlantic City when my cell phone went off. Recognizing it was the number I had called the previous day, I answered it. Turns out it was my son who was puzzled as to why I call and bug him after 9 years. Fifteen frustrating minutes later, after having heard enough of his ranting, the conversation was over.

Well, it's been a while I guess but some things have happened that need to see the light of day.

Things have been rather quiet lately, or so I thought. Then a waitress friend of mine got pregnant and finally after six years of being me I got an invitation to a future baby shower.

For anyone following my crazy but fun life, I may or may not be a grandparent yet as I have been unsuccessful in starting a dialog with my son.

I learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut. Easy to say after I was outed at a local diner some years back by a waitress with a big mouth and a bigger secret who professed to be my friend. Last week my ex was shopping at Costco and didn't realize she was talking to a friend of mine, she was talkative and so I have learned that my son is getting married and his girlfriend is pregnant.

Hi, being a little older than most of the rest of you, I have experienced a bit more of life. I have had breakfast with a good friend and had to put him in a body bag at lunchtime. I was married but the rules changed and so I am now divorced. Why do I write what I write?