The Family Girl #067: In Remembrance

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The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #67: In Remembrance

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:
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As many of you know, Holly Hart passed away recently. 40 days ago, to be exact.

I don't really know about others, but among traditional Catholics, we usually hold a requiem mass forty days after a loved one's passing. I was not a relative of Holly's IRL, so I did not think it proper to arrange for such a mass. So all I did was to include Holly's name (both as Holly Logan and Holly Hart) in the list of mass intentions for yesterday's regular service (people can ask a priest to offer a Mass for several reasons, like for example, in thanksgiving, for the intentions of someone else, like a birthday, or for the repose of the soul of someone who has died).

I am not a "real" relative, nor do I think Holly was Catholic, nor particularly religious. I guess this is more for me more than anything, to declare my wishes for her, and to declare my sadness that she's gone.

As I have gotten older, I have often wondered what purpose ceremonies like funerals, requiems, or things like that really have. It cannot be for the deceased since they're gone already. I could only conclude it's for those of us who are still here.

Music that has been termed as "requiems" were originally made for requiem masses, but in recent times, they've been elevated to a musical genre on their own. But such somber, melancholy music, such as Mozart's Requiem - why can they be beautiful, if the feelings that they evoke are, well, feelings of sadness?

I guess it's because they make you feel, and any kind of music which has that kind of power can be beautiful.

I guess, if I was being brutally truthful, I would admit that my commemorating Holly's 40th day is about that. I feel sad, and I want other people to know why. I can always say that it's just tradition to commemorate the 40th day since someone's passing, but that would not be the truth, or rather not the whole truth. I am sad, and I want people to know why.

Holly's death had a larger impact on me than most others here, I think, since three days before she died, I had lost my baby girl And I suppose that's why I didn't post about it when I heard, like a lot of people did here in BC. Few can know how it feels to lose one's first baby. And Holly passing away almost at the same time - it just made it all the more painful.

People say girls feel their emotions more than men. Maybe that's true. I cannot say since I cannot offer an "empirical" yardstick, given I am no natural-born girl. All I can say is that I am sad.

But I am happy that I was able to help show Holly our appreciation for her before she passed away: knowing the graveness of her situation, two months before her death I organized a kind of "thank you" post for her.

http://direct.bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/44841/family-girl-...

When I heard she had Stage 4 Cancer, I knew that her recovery was a long shot at best, and aside from a miracle, nothing could be done anymore. Hence I organized that little post, so that at least Holly would have known how many of us felt about her. I thank the following who publicly sent messages in that post: Annette, Angharad, Arecee, Bailey, D.A.W., Dorothy Colleen, Drea, Joanne, Kris, Lonewolf, Melanie E, Melodie T, Ole, Portia, Richie, Sephy, Stanman, Suzi J and T.J. I also thank them for exercising forebearance, and did not comment about her condition nor about the graveness of her situation.

At least Holly had a little bit of consolation when she read our words before she died.

I suppose that is what's important, that we let our feelings for a person be known when it would have mattered to that person, and not when it's too late. In that respect, girls got it right, I think - to not hide your emotions, and to let people know how you feel about them. Especially if you love them.
  

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Comments

To this day...

Andrea Lena's picture

...I was and still feel overwhelmed with grief over everyone's loss of Holly but even more so for your loss. That you have been so dear a friend to me for these past several years has left me feeling close as if you were part of my own family, and even perhaps for me even more lately. All my love to you and Moe.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

You always seem to get it right

"In that respect, girls got it right..."

You always seem to get it right, Bobbie. I guess that's because you've really always been a girl.

Kris

{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}

I dont know if I said it at the time

but my sincere condolences on the loss of your baby, hon.

I've been to many styles of funeral services, from very somber ones to ones where funny stories about the loved one were shared so laughter could be mixed in the tears, and I cant say what's best, except what works for you as a person. For me, I hope I see Holly again, when my time comes ...

Biggest hugs possible hon.

DogSig.png

Rememberance is for those still living

Bobbie,

You got that right: The funeral (or memorial service) is for those left behind, since the deceased is no longer suffering in this earthly life. It is a very important part of the grieving process. And it should help us to gain acceptance and closure for our loss. The tradition of a Requiem 40 days after the death - it seems to me - is to help close the period of active grieving.

Case in point: I have been present for the funeral of my paternal grandmother 29 years ago, my paternal grandfather 27 years ago, and my maternal grandmother 10 years ago. And that has helped me greatly in finding closure for their passing. Because of financial and geographical issues I could not be present at the funeral of my maternal grandfather 19 years ago, and it has taken me years to find closure for his passing instead of weeks as for the rest. 16 years ago I lost my first daughter in childbirth, and in hindsight, my active participation (carrying the casket to the grave, lowering it and closing the grave) in the funeral has greatly helped me gain closure over her loss (unlike my ex-spouse who after 10 years had not yet accepted the death). And lastly, my father passed away 3 months ago, and again I was an active participant in the funeral (not forgetting a very deliberate process of letting go in the months prior to his death).

My heart goes out to you and your spouse for the loss of your baby. Take your time to grieve and cry for your baby. Share your the experiences you had with your baby with others. And above all acknowledge your feeling of loss and emptyness, allowing time to bring healing and new joy.

With heartfelt hugs from South America.

Jessica

The Best Way

to remember Holly is to think about what she meant to you in life and remember her for what she did and who she was. Don't dwell upon her death. Celebrate what she did in life ^^

She meant a lot to a lot of people. And she touched so many lives.

Sephrena

Hi, and thank you

bobbie-c's picture

Thank you, Allison, and Kris :)

I ain't fighting it anymore, y'know. As you might have read in my previous chicken scratchings lol.These past years, esp. the ones here in BC, have given me that. But thank you, still, for the gentle admonishings (or is it admonishments. ah, well, you know what I mean lol). Yes, I am a girl. But it cannot be denied - physically, I am not natural-born, but I am a-okay with that. I am adjusting as well as anyone cam, I think, and I think I can be happy with my state of affairs. Which I think is the whole point of life's pursuits. No need for the gentle scolding, although I am always happy when someone's paying attention to me... lol joke!

To Aunt Andrea, Dorothy Colleen, Jessica and Sephy -

Thank you for your words. They are heartfelt, and I appreciate them. Yes, Moe and I do mourn the loss of Baby Aiko. I wish I had gotten to know her, to have helped her grow and be a wonderful lady, to have loved her, and to have been loved by her.

Our vacation has helped us heal a little bit. I guess we'll always feel the loss, but that doesn't mean we can't move forward and still be happy. The trick is to move forward, as Aunt Andrea knows. (wink)

I am okay - no need for any words of sadness. Let's try to keep things positive, and to try and blog positive things. Right, Dorothy? lol
 

 
 
   

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I have a muted way of experiencing emotion.

Maybe I am just all bitch or something. I experience loss in a very muted way, and I have been confronted about it. I wish I was more emotional. Holly was a good woman who spent a lot of time helping others. We were good friends.

She was also tough as hell, not in an angry, non caring way, but in a "you can't knock me down way".

I am sorry she is gone. I hope to meet her again soon.

Gwendolyn