about coming to love a man

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Warning, may be disturbing.

I am writing a new blog entry to answer the question from Renee M on my entry she has a boyfriend now.

If you want to go into it, could you tell when your feeling toward guys changed? I think mine changed because of 2 months of estrogen, but I can image just going full time and always being treated as a womyn could also "free oneself" to admire and be attracted to men.

The answer is rather complicated. I have to go back to when I was 15. Then I was totally unaware sexually. Even my wet dreams were without a target and were more annoying than anything else. Well, also a bit scary because I was sure if my parents found out, I would get another nasty lecture about it all being inappropriate.

Then it happened. I think my mother most have thought my lack of interest in women meant that I may be gay. Honesty, it is the only thing that makes sense to me. Some guy who occasionally rode my school bus came by my house in his car that day before I got home from school. He quickly made friends with my mother and convinced her he wanted to be my friend. And then in standard southern tradition, he asked permission to take me out.

When I got home, I was told I was going out with him. I'll call him Tom for now. I did not even like the guy, but I really did not have much choice. My mother ruled with an iron hand and she had spoken. So we headed toward the local Sonic. Only on the way there, he turned off onto one of the farm roads, and I found myself in the car alone with him in the middle of a rice field.

When he began to fondle me, I froze. Eventually I was raped. I did not even fight back. I just was not there. But knowing that I did not fight him was the worst guilt of all. Boys are supposed to fight to the death over such things and I had failed completely. Worse, it happened two more times before I was able to pull myself together enough to threaten him so he would stop coming back.

But the guilt kept me quiet. It was not until my 20's that I was even able to admit it happened to someone else. It was that time I met the first man that I have ever loved. He was a psychiatrist in a play that I was helping with on the Strand Street Theatre in Galveston. He was also gay. His gentle nature was able to draw out the story the rape, but at the same time, he was sure I was not gay so he pulled away and left me. And he was right. Sex as a gay man has never been appealing to me.

After my actor, there were no men I found that would even come close. I did find myself drawn to strong, adventurous women. And women definitely appeal to me sexually. I guess somewhere in my thirties I developed a fantasy that maybe I would have been okay with Tom if only he had given me time to grow into it and had taken me gently. Yes, it was a fantasy because I could never have liked Tom, but I so wish I could have been sexually awakened some other way.

A few months ago, I tried putting myself out on a dating site that would allow me to meet men with me being a trans-woman. I found that though I could flirt, I could not get past the rape when they started talking about a sexual relationship.

So it has been 8 months into hormone therapy when I met my boyfriend. Suddenly, the past did not matter anymore. I really do not understand the process other than I think I was just finally ready. I'm sure it helped that I first found him attractive from his writings. Then as I got to know him, well, it was like a floodgate opened.

One of the most frustrating changes was that I had managed to keep the desire for GRS under control. Now, I feel it is totally necessary because I want to be with him properly as a woman. As I said, my therapist just chuckles and says I have come a long way and that I will be back to work soon.

So in general, there was one man who got under my shields, but mostly I am afraid of them. My boyfriend seems to have found a way around that fear.

Comments

Cassie, this blog is an eye

opener. I hate what happened to you with Tom, Hope you know that there are men who will care and cherish you as your boyfriend is.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

I am very happy for you...

I have pretty much stated I don't know where I am going, I am on HRT for not quite 2 months, and I am starting to see changes. I am happier than I have been in many decades.

I am stuck around 170, the HRT has made weight loss a bit harder, but I'm not discouraged. Since I made my 1st goal I am shooting for 160, if I make that and still feel I need to loose weight I'll go lower.

When I lost weight in college I hit 169, and was showing ribs, it isn't the case this time around. I suspect I have lost a lot of muscle mass between then and now.

My point is while I'm not sure where my ultimate sexuality is going to be, I am working hard for the goal. So I have a lot of empathy for you on this. There is no right or wrong concerning it, just don't get hurt.

life is good now

I do not know where things are going to go either with me. I just know that I do not want to limit myself. I now have a whole different menu to choose from and I'm going to enjoy what makes me happy.

Weight, well, I'm way behind you. My target is 136 and I still have 42 lbs to go.

I have started going to the gym, it is included in my insurance plan, so I hope to put a little bit of muscle back before I see any more result in weight loss. There are other factors that are messing with my ability to get there. I am hoping that they will clear up within the next month, but I am not counting on it.

As far as getting hurt, well, this is my first love as woman. If it falls apart, then that is just part of the process and I will learn and grow from it. Until that time, I'm going to make the best of it.

Bright Blessings,
Cassie Ellen

If that is your preference then go for it!

However not everyone is and the idea of coming to love a man comes from a place that originally one does not like men, I would suggest anybody who has doubts not to not think they are wrong not to like men and try to induce themselves to like men because it is 'expected'.

Live your own happiness.

Kim

my preference

Hi Kim,

I really do not know what my preference is. I see the relationship as way of learning what I really want. I would not go as far as saying I like men in general. I found a special one and that works for me. I am not taking anything for granted now. I know that there are no hard rules and the person I am now may not even have the same likes and needs as who I will be six months from now. That is definitely true with who I was six months ago.

I really do not think it is expected for a trans-woman to suddenly start liking men. From my experience in the community, most of my friends have never switched their sexual orientation so they are now lesbians and that is where I considered myself to be. So now I have to relabel myself as Bi. ~shrugs~ I just see myself as being able to love others without gender boundaries.

Thanks for your response,
Cassie Ellen

I was not really addressing you per se

You know what you want so there is not anything to say.

I was more addressing other TS women out there. I have heard a number of stories of T-girls wanting to fit in with straight women friends and they turn themselves inside out trying to share their interest in men.

It is just sad when I hear those kind of stories.

For me, I just do not find a male body as interesting and their mental quirks just do not mesh with my more feminine sensibilities. I am sure there are always exceptional men out there but I will not go out of my way looking for one.

Kim

My Feelings About Men

Dear Cassie,

Thank you for sharing; your herstory is quite interesting. I'm sorry for the traumatic events you experienced.

I never had any sexual feelings for boys and then men until HRT. I tried to be friends with the more friendly, less macho kids thru HS so I was friends with the very smart nerds and athletes. As an adult I had more friends in my first job, but it declined from there. At the job site in the same company I was at for the longest period, I was friendly with quite a few machinists, and other medium level workers, mainly men, but not the engineers or higher status workers. I was only friends with a guy and a womyn into bicycling. The womyn was a good friend and I told her about my XDing (I was in denial that I was TS). At other sites I'd try to be friends with the gals that would talk to an awkward nerd; I was bad at casual conversation because of my Asperger's. I ended up friends with one other nerd engineer per site; these guys were the most soft spoken, least aggressive and/or macho of the men I had contact with, but both were serious athletes.

In general I was comfortable hanging out with these soft spoken guys, but I disliked any macho, "I can top that" behavior. I think I still feared these aggressive men since they were the type who teased and bullied me as a child.

As I said, I was crushing on one guy at work after being on HRT for a few months. Post op, dilating, it just seemed reasonable and fun to have someone else with the proper tool do the work for me. I hadn't sought to hang with lesbians for about a year, but I did have another Tgal lover (no penetration) til I was about 2 months post op. She dumped me because she realized that she was a het gal. Her dumping me probably added to my desire to explore sex with men.

I had 4 boyfriends in 5 months. The first was really great at sex, but I finally realized that his life style was not one night stands, but to be with one womyn for great sex until he was tired of her or became attracted to someone else. This was after he went out of state for 3 months for his father's funeral, etc. The next 3 guys were all losers. I finally realized that being courted, dating with some lust involved and sex with someone good who was also smart, polite, good looking, etc. was great fun, but when the guys were just being themselves, they were the guys I never liked. I think I could have been with a man like the ones I was comfortable with, but I never met one. Sex was very pleasurable and confirming I was a womyn and it had become very important to me; I wasn't in the mood to wait, look for someone and take things slow. I sought out and met a lesbian Tgal I'd been introduced to once and we've been together most of the time since. I think if I was trying to get a lesbian GF, instead of a BF, I might have succeeded. 2 lezzies hit on me while I was pre-op. I guess I should have gone out with them, just to see what would happen, but i was afraid of rejection, both for being T and for having the wrong parts.

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

much to think about

Hi Renee,

I was labeled sub-clinical Asperger's Syndrome when my daughter was given a full diagnosis. And I have many friends who were blessed to be Aspies. I do believe it is a blessing. Being able to see the world in a different way is a gift. One of my earlier indicators that I was trans was reading Pretending to be Normal by Liane Holliday Willey. I totally identified with her experiences.

One of the odd things with my transition is that I hardly presenting with any autistic spectrum traits now. My therapist thinks that somewhere as a child I had just turned off my social interface because my intuitive reactions were all wrong for being a boy. So now I am not one anymore, they all fit and I am learning to trust and act upon my instincts. So now everything is coming online again and functioning properly.

I know what you mean about fearing aggressive men. I still have that fear myself. That was a big problem when I was working. I see software engineering more as an art form. It is definitely not something to wrap up your ego in and be competed against. So being good at it made me a dangerous competitor when all I wanted to do was to write beautiful code.

The big thing that I have decided is that I am tired of living in fear. I'll be cautious, but I am going for enjoy what I can out of the life I have left.

Love & Light,
Cassie Ellen

Intuitive reactions

Your remark about intuitive reactions being all wrong for a boy and the shutting down part of yourself certainly rings a bell with me. I've talked about before some of my own experiences being in the autism disorder spectrum, and have seen the same disbelief from others that it applies to me.

This is the first time I think I've seen a reasonable explanation linking gender problems and autism. Generally, most seem to think that autism is the opposite, an expression of hyper masculine traits.

A very interesting line of thought.
Hugs
Grover

autism & gender

Hi Grover,

An Aspie diagnoses usually is not just being a high functioning autistic, but also is accompanied with above average intelligence. As my autistic traits have been disappearing, I am still having to deal with the issues of my intelligence. What we are finding is that the way I process information makes me not an NT. So that, I will always have to deal with. And that is also the biggest place where my loneliness has come from.

We are currently working on my acceptance that I will be unable to communicate how I think and feel because most people are not capable of that level of abstract reasoning. It is still lonely, but it does not make me not okay.

Point is that it is difficult to distinguish the communication problems because of the way I think from neurological problems that indicate being on the autistic spectrum. The co-morbid symptoms mostly are the same.

I also have had a girlfriend in college who was very much an Aspie. I was attracted to her for her more masculine traits. I do not think she is any bit male though. I see it more as the AS leaves her very focused on getting what she wants in a direct way. In our culture, we tend to associate that form of directness with being male.

It can be argued that women tend to achieve their goals by indirectly maneuvering men to seeing thing their way. I think that is not as much a feminine trait as much as a way of coping with people who have a level of danger about them. Having grown up as the tiniest boy in my school, I learned the same techniques because it was simply a safer way of doing things.

I wish you the best in your journey.
Cassie Ellen

The hardest part for a survivor...

Andrea Lena's picture

...after the trauma itself, the hardest part for a survivor of rape is telling your story to another. Nothing on earth, I believe, can compare with the shame and loss of self, in a way, that arises from being victimized. Too often we deal with the misconception that folks might innocently believe; that it 'happened,' as if it was an event or an 'occurrence,' when it's an act of violation by another human being.

You've shown tremendous strength and your blog actually has encouraged me. I've never spoken of this before, not once; but while my own preferences have been decidedly 'lesbian-oriented,' at times in my past I had fantasized about being with a man. Those occasional feelings spanned a lifetime up until I started having memories of my own victimization. Now I cannot think about it without getting physically ill; the thought is repulsive because of what my father and uncle did to me.

That doesn't sound so good until I realize that I never really knew that about myself. Your blog is 'emotion-provoking,' you know. Thanks for your courage and strength.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

the guilt is what crippled me

For me, there was no one at home that I could tell. I knew that my mother would deny it or throw it back as being my fault. This fear played out to be true three months before she died when I tried to talk to her about it She chased me out of the house, yelling at me and blaming my wife for having made me say such things.

I could not tell my father. He would not have been able to handle it. He was already too fragile, and was off working in Colorado at the time. Anything more would have made him unable to cope with his life.

I did not dare tell my brother. He would have killed the boy.

The latter response is the one I have the most trouble dealing with. So many people who have "cared" about me want to go fight battles for me. What I really need is to be listened to and told that I am okay. It is sad that I have had to protect my family and friends from themselves when I needed to be there for me.

So not only did I feel guilty as a victim, I felt guilty for needing help. Fortunately, the next thing my mother forced me into was even more damaging. At least after it happened, I was given some peace as it locked away so many of my memories the year before.

I am not ready to go into that or why it all came back again as PTSD and night terrors. Maybe another blog post.

Andrea, I wish you the best on your journey. I cannot tell you that the pain goes away. I can say that as I learn to love and trust again, I am better able to handle it.

Love & Light,
Cassie Ellen

I've started to notice men now

Been scary as heck with my history, but I'm slowly getting used to the idea of finding a guy attractive.

Sadly, no real chance to take it past looking, at least not at present, but we'll have to see what the future brings ...

DogSig.png

I've started to notice men now

Hi Dorothy,

I did not mean to rush it. I figured I would enjoy exploring those new feelings about men as I could handle them. Getting a boyfriend was totally unplanned. Serendipitous and providence are the words that keep echoing in my head. He teases me that I am head over heals. I just giggle and enjoy it.

Take your time and enjoy looking. The universe has a way of bringing things into play when the time is right.

Bright Blessings,
Cassie Ellen