Contemplating the end of everything

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I am sitting here at a new low, or maybe the same one I was at before. The long sleep is very appealing, but not for me, not yet.

Yesterday was my Birthday. It wasn't great, but it was OK. Somehow they seem better when you are younger. I am now 56.

I have started Spiro, mostly for blood pressure. For those not in the know, it is also a T-Blocker as well as an excellent hypertension drug. It is half the drugs given to folks starting to transition. I've been on it for several weeks, and it is having it's expected effects.

A quick bit of personal history, I hit a crisis back in May, it was either do something about my transgenderism or give it up, and join the other 31% of us who don't make it. I have a kid (not mine, my brothers, but I raised him) I love very much. It is the only reason I decided to continue. My brother committed suicide, it was the start of my spiral down. I got the kids, and did the best I could. It wasn't as much as I would have liked. Since then both parents died, and right after my Dad passed in 2008 I was diagnosed with diabetes. I already had hypertension. Basically I stopped caring, I stopped going to the doc or treating my various ailments. Some where in the back of my mind if I just dropped dead it wasn't suicide. My blood pressure has been as stroke levels for years, and yet I persist. It would be ironic now I have decided to live I dropped dead. I gave death a more that fair shot.

The boy (he isn't a boy though, not at 22 years old) wants to just drift along. He is finding getting job after waiting a year or three is not easy. We had a nice rowe this morning, which is part of the depression.

I guess I'm living up to my avatar, I am personally in a hurry, but I have decided to try to get as much weight off as I can. I started at 265, diabetes got me down to 235, and I've gotten me down to 205. I do not intend to stop until I hit 170 or less (a lot less), but I will be leaning on my doctor hard to keep from overdoing it.

I got a new doc because I was concerned how my old doc would handle it. This may have been a mistake. The new doc is a trans woman, apparently business is good in Dallas. All the docs are backed up for months for HRT and whatnot. She does not give straight answers, I have the feeling I'm supposed to accept her word on everything. I have been told I must follow a diet she is very fond of, one that eliminates about 95% of what I'm eating. It eliminates fruits with seeds, including bananas and tomatoes, anything white (bread and starch). I had an appointment with her yesterday, I asked her where the specifics of what I am supposed to be doing (instead of what I can't do), and was told it was in the book. I interpret that as she doesn't know, or couldn't be bothered to help, and I haven't found it yet. Reading this book is torture, it talks down, and the first 50 or so pages is selling the diet (I've already bought the darn book!) I bought two others for my GT and another trans friend.

She also told me I would not get HRT until I lost my weight and used her diet, I reminded her I had already told her long ago that I was loosing the weight, and don't need her help with that. I am also told if I don't follow her diet I will plateau, which shows she really isn't listening. I lived on a small minute stake every day for 6 weeks when I was in college, and lost over 30 pounds. It was a mistake, when I got down to 169 I declared myself done, and blimped out even worse. I will loose this weight, one way or another, with or without her help. She is also not very available as a general practitioner, unlike my experience in the past.

So I made an appointment with the old doc, and will come clean and apologize. I will treat the lady doc as a specialist, and if my dis-satisfaction increases I will find a new doctor. I will give the new diet a chance, when I come to the part where it tells me what to eat, but I am in no hurry, as I am 100% on track for what I need to be doing. Reading in general is still torture, which is why I am not here as much as I used to be.

The transition is still proceeding. I am practicing my cross dressing skills (is it cross dressing if it is part of becoming a woman?). Whatever. I've been out in public in androgynous clothing (read that girls clothes that aren't obvious about it), and will eventually get more adventurous. I have been to Electrology 3000, a hair removal place in Carrolton, and am actively getting laser treatments on my face to remove hair. The estrogen comes sometime in the future. I am told spiro can have minor estrogen like effects, as when the testosterone is removed there is only one thing left.

As for the diabetes, it spite of my best efforts (though I have watched what I eat carefully) it has not spiraled out of control. It could be weight loss and diet will help a lot on this front.

Now if there was something for male pattern baldness. I'm not too hopeful on that one. As my therapist says, I'll be wigging it for the rest of my life, baring medical breakthroughs.

Comments

hugs, hon

my thoughts and prayers are with you hon. Hugs.

DogSig.png

Hugs my friend I've sent you

Hugs my friend I've sent you a pm.


I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

The diet-book formula

Most diet books are 95% filler. Usually the first half of the book explains why other diets don't work at all and teases you with unsatisfying hints of how this diet is different. The problem is, they could explain in a few words what you're supposed to do, but if they do that, the mystery is over and the book is done.

Honestly, it sounds like you've been doing quite well, especially considering the knocks you've taken. You're making progress, you're changing, you're doing different things.

That doctor, on the other hand, sounds terrible. I wouldn't want to go to a doctor like that for a head cold. If she is this insensitive and inflexible about diet, imagine how unhelpful she will be about everything else you need to go through.

Happy birthday! By the way, I'm 56 too. All the really cool people are 56 or thereabouts.

Hugs,

Kaleigh Way

And the real honest truth about diet is?

No two people should ever eat the exact same food. Let alone be on the exact same diet.

There are dozens of body types which determine the TYPE of food you should eat to stay healthy, and there's a huge range of metabolism rates, which determine how much you should eat, and there's a whole range of different ways your body utilizes micro-nutrients, which determine what you need to supplement more when it comes to vitamins, minerals, and enzymes, which in turn determines which SPECIFIC foods you should eat the most of.

My body for whatever reason, seems to be severely lacking in the B vitamins, for example, prefers "lean food" (low carbs, fat, salts, high protein), and has a fairly normal metabolism rate (for a female my age... not a male... oddly enough, which female rates are lower than male ones.)

This will not likely be the same for you.

Abigail Drew.

Thank you all

For the many responses. I was at a low point, it happens. It happens a lot less now I have decided to face my problems, but still...

My endo doc doesn't know it, but she is on probation. I do not take well to being dictated to, and the statement I will not loose this weight unless I follow her diet is ludicrous. I will try the diet out, but it will be on my terms. I went back to my old doc (the one I was so nervous about) for my general practitioner needs, and held nothing back. I have asked the endo doc to share the lab work (not directly, but I filled out the paperwork for it), if she balks and tries to claim the data as her property then she is fired. Think it can't happen? My mom had the same problem a long while back, when she was alive.

I got a lot of PMs, which a thank ye. It appears this is a sensitive subject, especially in our crowd. In some ways I think it needs addressed more openly, as in Lara's Playground.

I'm about to go shopping, I'm waiting for my boy to be ready. I'm going out in women's shorts and women's shoes and a tee shirt. They are not obvious, they are rather androgynous. My legs are smooth from diabetes, and a bit discolored, so they are not what I call attractive, but I suspect showing leg is going to be a lot more common in the future (especially when I am officially en fem).

It was incredibly busy last week. Had a GEAR meeting (tranny get together) first time totally en fem, several doctors appointments, visited a friend getting electrolysis (which pinned down the shop for my use later), and tried to distract her during the painful parts telling jokes. This may have backfired, the tech thought they were funny too. I tend to collect jokes, then dole them out to match the occasion.

I came away from my en fem experience with a new appreciation of why women are always cold. All the fabrics are very thin and silky, and there is no insulation. Add to the fact I've lost a lot of personal insulation (now 203) and it is flat out cold.

Thank you all for caring. It helps a lot.

If you think you're cold now...

Wait until you're on hormones as well. Testosterone ain't no joke when it comes to keeping body temperature elevated. Start suppressing that and........ BAM! It's like stepping into a deep freezer.

Abigail Drew.

I suspect you are right

That and loss of natural insulation doesn't help. All part of the price of beauty. At least that was what I was telling myself when they were ripping out my eyebrows using wax. Not as painful as the laser hair removal, but still. Then they show their new trophy, just before throwing it away.

The Spiro is doing something, though I'm not sure what yet. But the main reason I'm taking it is working, the blood pressure is way down to safe levels.

I am now under what I was when I was 20. I would love to know if some of the treatments I keep seeing work, such as laser treatments for cellulite, and floppy skin (yep, I've got it). I am a natural skeptic, and it seems there is a lot of snake oil salesmen for women out there.

Finding shoes that I don't feel I'm being ripped off is a problem. Welcome to becoming a girl.