Unbelievable

I am slowly walking down the path, fearfully, afraid, but moving forward.

The depression has receded, but it still lurks. Having accepted that I will probably transition, just not today, seems to have taken a load off. My boy says he thinks I am becoming much happier. I think he is right.

I met a trans-lady this Wednesday. Her name is not important. If you happen to live in the Dallas area PM me and I can guide you to a ton of local resources I didn't know was there until lately. Anyhow, this girl is mid transition, but she is giving of herself to help make it easier for others as a volunteer for GEAR. She is very tall, and when the surgeries are finished (seems to be the fate for all of us, one way or another) I think she is going to be very pretty, even beautiful. I went to this meeting not knowing what to expect, and came away with a lot of basic sources for things I will need, and knowing where to find out more. Nice.

The end of the month, last Thursday, GEAR (Gender Education And Resources), part of the Dallas LBGT group, has a meeting for the trans community. I attended for the first time. I met one FtM person there, the rest is a local mix of MtF, all in various stages. Since I am still laying groundwork, so to speak, I went as I am, a male waffling on the fundamental issues. That puts me as one of the newest members of this club, but I felt welcome.

...

Now here is where it gets really strange.

One of the faces was exceedingly familiar. I dismissed it, basically out of fundamental disbelief, until she spoke. Turns out it is a very old friend, who decided to start HRT last December. I've known her as a man for just over 10 years, neither of us had a clue about the other, until then. I'm still shaking my head about the unlikeliness of it all. However, I am not about to refuse a gift from God. If she is willing, and I do not see why not, she is now a part of my support, as I am of hers.

We would have had the same Gender Therapist, except I was a bit pushy. This bout of depression was more scary than most, a lot more. The sane part in the back of my head knew I didn't want to go where the front of my mind seemed to be telling me. So now we use the same basic office, with office mates. Small family, even so.

I would be less than honest if I didn't say I am afraid. This is an understatement, I have a lot of work to do with my GT. There is this core of self hatred I can't shake, and I have never thought I looked good as a man, I can only imagine what I will look like as a woman. I visualize this with real dread. A lot of what I'm going through is fear of one form or another.

I have been to Laura's chat, I am finding I am not so unusual in many ways. TG's in general seem to be our own worst enemy, the uncertainty, the unwillingness to accept our strengths and magnify out weaknesses seems to be universal. I spoke to a young lady on the chat that seems to unable to accept she had a really pretty face (that was all she showed in her picture), and switched to body image when a chorus explained she was wrong. I would like to think maybe we helped, but as with me, she has a long way to go.

An older lady (my age) at the GEAR meeting was extremely authentic, till she spoke. I could not tell. Maybe there is hope for me, we'll see.

So now I have a list of things to do. The first is to loose weight. I was 265-270 8 years ago, I'm down to 230 pounds. I want to continue this trend, which means walking and portion control. The moment I say diet it is over (oops). I want to reach 180 as a goal.

Get back with my doctor, find out if he can handle the new me. If not, get a new doc, then get back on meds for hypertension and diabetes if I need them (I will), as well as any help I can get for my weight. It relates to the self hatred, I was trying to kill myself through neglect.

There are things I can do to help the process that will still allow me my stealth. Things like hair removal, which is god awful expensive. It is not obvious, but a needed part of the path.

At some point I will need to try dressing as a woman. This is one of my scary zones. I was caught many decades ago, it is why I swore off. Again, it seems necessary, I might even enjoy it, but not as much as most.

If I get my weight under control I think it will give me the confidence to proceed. I won't be the caricature I am so afraid of becoming. So along with the doc, it is priority one. I do not want to be a fat bald man in a dress. I'll address the bald later, but first the fat.

I will miss being a Mason, and several other aspects of my life that will go away when I become obvious.

So here I am, with all these grandiose plans. I just pray to God I can carry them out. It beats ODing on meds or worse.

So what do you think? TMI?

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