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The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") 
Blog #43: Me? Jealous? Nahhh... To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link:http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs |
We had a late business lunch with this movie/TV personality & print model yesterday, at a very, very upscale (not to mention expensive) out-of-the-way little restaurant in one of the five-star hotels in the main business district. She was a very sweet and friendly girl, and had a big fund of funny stories to tell and had most of us giggling and laughing, much to the consternation of her personal assistant, since we were starting to bother the nearby tables.
But what really got us to pay attention was that she was drop-dead gorgeous. As in REALLY drop-dead gorgeous.
Was I jealous? Nahhh...
I guess it's my girl's fault that we had the meeting: Tintin suggested a simultaneous recruitment and PR TV-print campaign, and it involved hiring local TV and print talent. She sold me on the idea and I had it vetted by the home office's marketing people. They beefed up her plan a whole lot, adding lots of details, essentially "professionalizing" her outline and changing it into a full-blown marketing program (they sent back a one-inch-thick ring binder... grrr) and suggested getting a locally-based PR company to execute it. I tentatively approved it, but agreed to push it on our own first as far we could, until we had to commit real funding, and to see if we wanted to really do it when we reached that point.
So, to start the ball rolling, since she knew some people in one of the major TV networks here, Tintin started some "infomal" inquiries. One of the results of this was this little tete-a-tete.
After doing all I can to be physically female, and learning all I can to live as a female, I thought I did good (though I only really felt... "real" a little over a year ago - about the end of 2010), but when I get to meet people like this girl, and naturally end up comparing myself to them, it makes me question things - if I really am doing good, or I'm just deluding myself.
Actually, the girl, empirically speaking (nice nerdyword, huh?), doesn't fit the stereotype of the beautiful girl. Slim curves gone to thinness, extremely modest boobies, and though she had a pretty face, she wasn't beautiful. Empirically speaking, that is.
But to hear her, and to talk to her in the flesh, she was indubitably female, and attractive to the nth degree. Everyone couldn't take their eyes off her.
I guess I wasn't as friendly as I could have been. and I tried to find out why. I don't know how it is for real girls, but I guess I reacted to her like she was a rival (I guess I need to go meow or something now heehee). I don't know why, though, since we weren't competing for the attention of some guy. And, as I said, she was a sweet girl, friendly, sincere and funny (except that she talked about her dad a lot... I wonder why)
Back at our place later, I tried to puzzle it out. I suppose I was jealous of the fact that she was getting people's attention. Being made much of as The Boss here, plus the natural attention that foreign females get here, has made me (forgive the word) cocky, so perhaps I was expecting to be the center of attention as usual... I highly doubt it, though - I am egotistic, yes (lol), but not that egotistic.
I think it's more likely that I resented her for her perfection, that it was so effortless and so effective, and so all-encompassing, despite not being stereotypically physically beautiful. (And I am not saying she isn't pretty - she is. Very. Just not beautiful... sorry if I am expressing myself badly, but I think you know what I mean.)
I wish I could get that easy manner, and that natural, unaffected femaleness that I suppose "made-girls" like me have to work hard at. And why was I so affected this time, as opposed to other times when I met gorgeous women before? What was different? Thinking it through, I guess the difference now was that I really do accept that I'm female now, and I suppose I consider myself in play now, as in, I'm also in the running along with all the other women, deserving or not.
I guess I was more envious than jealous, and I had to think that over, as in what really is the difference between envy and jealousy anyway? Ah, well. It doesn't matter, really.
Last night, Moe said it was useless to be envious. It's only natural that she'd be gorgeous - she is a TV celebrity and model after all. If I were that gorgeous, I'd probably be on TV, too.
That, of course, deserved a pillow throw. Too bad Moe dodged it lol.
(BTW, the banner picture of Toni Gonzaga is a publicly-accessible picture of her on the internet, from a Belo billboard ad - no i.p. or copyright infringement is intended. Also, the girl in the blog is not Toni, 'kay? Toni has no connection with her, except that Toni's a Filipina as well, is a TV celebrity too, and is super-pretty, too.)
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Comments
The Family Girl #43: Me? Jealous? Nahhh...
Why jealous, or envious? As a celebrity, she MUST be wary of the media
May Your Light Forever Shine
I'm with Moe.
She's professionally supposed to be like that.
Now some cattiness of my own:) She's an actress so maybe she was acting the entire time around all of you and in her private life she's a mess.
She might be bad in bed?
But you've already outscored her.
You've got Moe.
*Great Big Hugs.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I'm with Bailey...
...sort of. We do tend from time to time to compare ourselves to others; it's human nature, I suppose. And all of us here, I expect, understand either by experience or by really knowing those of us who do experience insecurity, that we feel like we're starting out already three steps behind the last runner even before the gun goes off. And if you're a 'made-girl?' Well...maybe six steps behind and wearing iron track shoes.
In the end, it's really how we perceive how folks perceive us. I know a woman who is as attractive as any starlet you might view on Entertainment tonight. Her abandonment by her ex-husband and the abuse before hand led her to ask me once, 'Am I ugly?' I've seen a few pictures of a dear woman I met at Storysite and have yet to meet in real life. She send me a photo of herself; post-SRS for those who keep track of those things. The most breath-taking photo of anyone I know personally, and yet she feels plain.
When so much of what we are in this community depends in a way on how we look; the need to convince someone who would otherwise believe we are male when in side we aren't? It makes it all too easy to look at ourselves and frown. And people who aren't trans do that all the time, too, because it comes down to being accepted.
Which brings me to the point that my dear nephew Bailey just made. I've got Mrs. D, for better or worse, and while I'd love her to see me for the 'Andrea' I am, I still have her looking at the man she married nearly 27 years ago and saying, 'I've got you!' And thankfully, with a great deal of tearful nodding by this romantic, I can cheerfully say along with Bailey to Bobbie, 'You've got Moe!' Tran-hemispheric hugs!
Love, Andrea Lena
Like the lady said!
We are the most vulnerable of the vulnerable to this kind of thing. I have known for a long time that I am envied too by folks though I clearly am not on the level of being beautiful as I have declined any facial surgery up to this point.
However, I think I get by in the world fairly effortlessly though never the center of attention and found out I was definitely in play when I received the backroom cattiness and claws from other women, at very unexpected times I might add. I might add that some adult women are no better than high school girls at that kind of thing and am no longer surprised.
I get the impression you have already won a great victory and you are just going after bigger game in wanting to be more like that print model. Be thankful you can even consider even possibly trying to emulate her.
There is no question I envy genetic women who can do this but I envy even more other transwomen who can do this.
Edit: And you know what this means: It is not likely you will get much sympathy from the rest of us. Sorry.
Kim
just remember, hon.
Some of us are envious of you.
(me, for example)
Envy vs Jealousy
There really is no difference in the way the two words are officially defined, but the way they're more typically used, envy is more of an "I wish" while jealousy is more "I'm gunna take".
And yes, Bobby, I envy you. I know I can never be like you, so I'm not jealous, I'm envious.
I can only hope that someday I can finally get to where I'm as easily accepted as female as you are, but I'll never have your business skills and the wonderful job you have because of them.
Abigail Drew.