More has happened in the last few days than the past six months, and it still gets worse. This time my daughter is involved.
I blogged at the weekend how my son had been excluded from school. His school have now given me an update and say that it is only since Feb that he has been a problem, until then he was the same as any other 11 year old. His grades are good (except French mais je connai pas).
I don't know if he returned to school yesterday, I've heard nothing more from the school yet. I am told that my ex was laughing when she collected him on Friday morning after being told he was been excluded for two days. I also know that if he doesn't show for detention on Thurs afternoon he earns another 2 day exclusion.
Today I sent an email to my daughter's school suggesting that her well-being was below par. The head (who knows me) rang and confirmed my suspicions. He went on to say that he is concerned for her home life. He and I have the same background information so I have arranged a meeting just after the Easter break. Should be useful. He emailed her grades (not good) so I now have direct email access to him (his office wouldn't give me his email addy although they knew who I was and that I wouldn't ask for it without due cause). Common sense prevailed.
I'm seeing the ex in the morning, I have lodged the first of my son's school letters with the court, I have the rest in a folder. The ex still doesn't know I'm talking to the schools but she'll find out in 11 hours. I'm told the judge (it's an access hearing by the way) won't stand for incomplete paperwork, the ex hasn't written her statement and doesn't have representation. Not a good way to start the day.
I've pulled my best suit out of the closet. I have to present male (part of the current court order) so my school tie (old boys' association) will get an airing. The train is at 0624 and it's a 3 hour run there.
The worst that can happen tomorrow is I gain nothing (in access terms), the best? I don't know. Anything that protects my children is a bonus. I have both schools uttering concerns, that should mean something to one of the agencies.
[rant]
To those who flung blame at me a few days ago, I admitted my faults nearly two years ago when this process started. I had depression and medical evidence for it. By the time I reached court my doctor had certified me mentally fit. I put my finger to keyboard and wrote down my flaws for my solicitor's (and the court's) benefit. When the ex and her team threw allegations at me I'd already answered them, that helped me, honesty is always the best approach. They turned nasty (VERY nasty) and tried to ruin me (it may sound like an exaggeration but believe me it ain't). A judge ended up telling them he'd have my ex for contempt if she repeated the allegation one more time. I've every right to be bitter in my dealings with her, but not so it would impact on my children.
[/rant]
There we go. Tomorrow (today if you're east of the meridian) will be an interesting day. I have no real idea how it will end, it'll just start in court.
My motto by the way is "Don't under-estimate me."
Topsy
Topsy, Seems To Me That
Your children would be better off with you and need counseling about who you are. They might be acting out their confusion over who you are. Please, find the help that they need. More than likely, they need reasurance.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Gee..........
You sound like you know what you're talking about. Brahahahahahaha Oh yeah... two (2) s's in REASSURANCE.
Mea the Magnificent
Best of luck
Best of luck to you topsy and may things turn out the best possible outcome for you and your children.
It seems to me
As though you have really gone somewhat beyond the pale here in the sense of bending over backward to comply with entirely ridiculous requirements set by the courts. It also seems fairly clear that your children are at risk and you are doing your best to protect them. I sincerely hope the court sees the same thing and gives the children to you, even though that will be an added burden on you, especially now.
I couldn't even begin to give any advice. I just wish you and your kids good luck.
Abby
Update
I have just left the court and have jumped on a 140mph train, fortunately it was stopped at the time.
The court has firmed up the contact arrangements and put a program of family support in place to arrange better communications between myself and the ex. I had no problem with that, social services will review the program and provide feedback to the court (if necessary). So far so good.
Holiday and day contact is better defined, responsibilities are clearer. So far so good.
I've told the ex that I'm talking to the schools, can't say she's happy but my barrister and the social worker explained that I have those rights.
The real problem of the day was outside the court's remit. My son is back at school but has a risk of being excluded for another 2 days if he does not report for detention at 3.30pm (it's 12.30pm local right now). He will be given a reminder at lunchtime (about now) but is not locked into the school so could walk out.
The school told me today that he is deliberately leaving so he can play with his friends, he is actively trying to be sent home. The school don't know why and have organised him to go on a program for children who are about to be excluded permanently. All of which is not good, he would end up in a school that has a 'lock down' system, whether he accepts it or not. I have told the school I am happy to go there if they ask, to explain anything to him as a parent.
To say I'm worried is an understatement. He is on the point of destroying his young schooling career but can't yet tell us why.
I just hope the ex can realise that she can talk to me about it, I reminded her today, not knowing if she'll accept my help.
Topsy
Mostly Harmless
He's under pressure
I wonder if he's being bullied?
It may be about some unrelated matter. Unfortunately, it could also be because someone (child or adult) at the school knows about you and is using it to make his life miserable.
This is one of the big problems for people like ourselves. It's not just us, what we do affects everyone we know in unpredictable ways.
See if you can get a quiet word with him in private. I think it's the only way you'll get anywhere.
Penny
PS At least you got on the train, not under it.
He's under pressure
Or the problem come from the other side of the parenthood system; she do not spend enought with him, got a lover, got depress, play both siblings one agains the other.......
tmf
Update 2 - good for the wrong reasons
Life, what would we do without it?
I wrote the last update on the way from the court. That, I thought, was it for the day. How wrong can I get?
I checked with the ex just after 4pm, had our son gone to detention? No he hadn't. Did she understand implications? Yes she did.
I asked the ex to tell our son that I was talking to his senior teacher every day. She did that.
I suggested that if he is excluded again (based on past evidence) then I be there instead of her on Tuesday. I was surprised when she agreed, this either shows cooperation or desperation, I hope it's the former.
She added that his reason for wanting to be excluded is that he knows others who have been thrown out of the same school, and they have good lives don't they?
I'm also going to suggest she meets me the same afternoon. I've tried before without success, but if you don't ask .....
So, communications seem to be improving but I have a Nero feeling right now so can't forget the real issue here, our son.
I have written to the school (well, email) telling them that I will be there on Tuesday but asking if perhaps 0940 could be avoided (that means the 0624 train from here). Give a poor girl a few extra hours beauty sleep please.
BTW no new partners or new depression (AFAIK) etc etc
Topsy
Mostly Harmless
I did much the same.
I did much the same thing as your son. At 15, I wanted nothing more than to quit school but I was too young to quit, so I stopped going and got expelled for truancy. Afterward I was sent to a sort of reform school, which was ever so much worse.
I couldn't begin to guess why he wants to quit, but it seems obvious that is the case. I hate to say it, but short of finding out why he feels this way(I doubt he's clear about it himself) and somehow addressing whatever it is, the likelihood is that you as parents are basically helpless to stop him from doing as he will. I know that in my own case my parents beat the hell out of me and the only thing they got for their trouble was defiance.
Maybe letting him know just how godawful reform school is would help. I wish I had some actual useful advice to give, but I don't. The best thing I can say is talk to the kid.
Abby
What next?
I think the school is going to refer him to a unit for disruptive students, ironically based at my daughter's school (but separate buildings). Ultimately if he's expelled he would end up at a school in the middle of nowhere.
Anyway, I'm second-guessing the school. More info later today but I might need to leave this blog until after the weekend.
Topsy
Mostly Harmless